


Sleeping with the Girls Vol II: Chaos Theory

by AdmiralTigerclaw



Series: Sleeping with the Girls [2]
Category: Ah My Goddess, Evangelion, Love Hina, Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha, Ranma 1/2, Sailor Moon, tenchi muyo, those who hunt elves
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-09
Updated: 2017-08-04
Packaged: 2018-09-23 02:41:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 31
Words: 282,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9637325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AdmiralTigerclaw/pseuds/AdmiralTigerclaw
Summary: Seal said it best in the song 'Crazy':"We're never going to survive unless we get a little crazy."Cross-universal, cross-fictional madness continues in volume two of Sleeping with the Girls.  The SI, last noting a fist at his face, wakes up once more in a world not his own, amongst people he knows, but doesn't know.However this time, the situation just got a little bit more complicated.Hit that OP link, and remember, links are for media and music.  Right-click and open in a new tab to enjoy without interrupting your reading.





	1. Ramifications

 

[SWTG VOL II OPENING](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GHAaA9RilcE) (Right Click, Open in New Tab/Window)

 

* * *

  **Chapter 1: Ramifications**

_"This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays."_  
_– Douglas Adams_

* * *

 

Have you ever overslept?

I don't mean slept past your alarm, or slept through the school bus one day as a kid. I mean really, REALLY overslept to the point where you actually feel worse than if you'd had no sleep at all?

If you have, I'm sure you recognize the signs. Stiff limbs, throbbing headache, and epic lethargy... You'd swear you had a hangover except you haven't been drinking.

Well, the symptoms of both actually stem from the same key cause.

Dehydration...

The human body is over sixty-percent water by weight, which does just about every job imaginable. It doesn't just keep you cool. It keeps your blood thin and easy to pump, lubricates your joints, and removes waste materials. If you don't have enough water in your system, a lot of things are going to start going wrong, all at the same time. And you will know it.

I certainly knew it; it's what woke me up. This throbbing, hammering headache that reminded me of the many hours I spent locked into working on a music track without even realizing I'd spent half the day doing so.

At first, I wasn't exactly sure of anything except that I felt like shit.

I felt like shit, and my body just didn't want to move. And while I didn't want to move, I no longer felt like sleeping. I just felt like lying there, waiting for someone to come stop the nuclear testing occurring inside my skull. Staring idly at the most uninteresting ceiling.

Not my ceiling; not even close...

When I finally realized that, it all came flooding back to me.

Everything...

Where was I?

WHERE WAS I?

What happened?

Am I dead? This can't be heaven, hurts too much.

Hell?

No, Hild's not here to rub it in. Would I even end up there?

Why do I feel like a small truck hit me? It's pain... Pain's good, that means I'm still alive?

What-

Oh yeah! Tre punched me in the face. I got punched in the face because I almost killed Cinque with Venom. How'd I do that? I'm not sure. I can't use magic; I was faking it. Did Senbei do something?

I had to stop asking myself so many questions I couldn't figure out. I need to start with ones I can do something about. Like where I was.

I gave the room a casual inspection. It was oddly familiar. I was in the middle, on the floor, sleeping in a futon.

And the girl?

I froze, listening for her breathing.

Quiet, cool... There was nobody.

Nobody at all... Not even Luna.

No Luna? Luna? SENBEI! They were right there on my shoulder! I had...

My things!

I sat up abruptly, my head protesting the action as I gave myself the once over. I didn't have my backpack, or my shotgun, or anything else! Where were my things! Shit, did I jump without them this time?

No, NO! Right back to square one! No-

"You're awake."

I damn near jumped out of my skin at the sound. I could have sworn the room was empty. But that voice, it sounded-

I turned to the source, and there, in a chair about six feet away near the door, was the future 'God Emperor of Mankind' in all his total normalcy, Tenchi Masaki.

There had to be several seconds of silence as I tried to process exactly what was going on. That was Tenchi... If that was Tenchi, that means I'm in Tenchi's house. That meant this must be Ayeka's room, which explains why it was familiar, and that must mean I appeared next to her. That would make this the second time, but...

"You're okay," he indicated before I could continue panicking. "Washu told me to keep an eye on you in case you woke up."

Really? How long was I –

"How long was I out?" I asked, trying to calm down.

"Twenty-eight hours," Tenchi indicated. "Washu said you'd probably sleep close to thirty after all the punishment you've taken."

Twenty-eight hours... Damn. No wonder I feel like shit incarnate.

Tenchi reached over to the dresser and picked up a large glass, then turned and handed it to me.

"Here," he commented. "Washu said you'd be dehydrated after your nap."

"Thanks," I replied, taking it. "She's right... As usual."

"As usual," Tenchi agreed with a small chuckle while I downed the water.

"So what happened?" I continued at length. Tenchi simply shrugged.

"What's there to tell?" he responded. "You appeared next to Ayeka again. Washu detected you before anyone even woke up, and was checking on you before your companions even had time to react."

"Companion- Luna's okay?" I asked. "And Senbei's here?"

Tenchi nodded. I sighed. One less thing to worry about...

"They're both just fine," he advised. "The talking cat, Luna, was very concerned for you. Said you just got punched in the face by some angry cyborg girl."

"Yeah," I nodded. "I don't even remember the blow connecting. Just saw her reach back for it... I guess I flinched when I should have scurried."

Not even awake five minutes, and I'm already quoting movies.

"Yeah," Tenchi agreed. "Almost accidentally killing someone's sister has that effect on a person. I'd say you were pretty lucky it wasn't worse."

"Yeah," I agreed. "Lucky. Lucky I ended up here."

Actually, thinking about it. Luck had nothing to do with it. Call me paranoid, but I don't think I've been teleporting as random as I first thought. It's all too convenient. First I teleport to nothing but worlds I know quite well, into the beds of characters I know just as well based on some personalized mental favorites list. Then, when I finally hit a situation I can't cope with. I end up back in the safest world to date. That's not a natural phenomenon. It happened far too many times to be coincidence. Coincidence is when you meet your friend in the movie section of the grocery store in another city when you've been out of contact for three years. Not spontaneously teleporting to a compiled list of worlds based off your favorite fiction. On top of this, you have to think about the order of the worlds I landed in. I landed in a world that gave me something useful enough to make use of later, starting with Washu and her speech shot.

No, this was sapience at work. Something or someone was actively messing with me. I'm no genius, but it would take an idiot not to notice the pattern. And when I find out who or what it is, I'm going to sick every damn god, goddess, or demon I make friends with on them and introduce them to the idea of the curbstomp song. Boot first.

Until that happened though, I guess I'd better deal with the now.

"You said twenty-eight hours right?" I asked. Tenchi nodded.

I've been showing up between four and four-thirty...ish. So that's twenty-four hours. Which is a day, plus another four, so it's more like four AM plus four...

"It's about eight isn't it?" I asked.

"Eight-seventeen," Tenchi corrected. "But good guess. You hungry? Sasami's got breakfast for us."

Technically no... I have no appetite for about an hour after I wake up. But I just went a day without food. I'm eating. No questions asked.

Nodding, I stood up. Damn, stiff... To be expected after being asleep for a full day... I groaned a bit at my joints' refusal to bend as they should, but made to walk around the room a bit in order to work it out. That's right, stiff joints are easy. Walk it off, walk it off.

"You okay?" Tenchi asked. "Washu said to make sure if you woke up, you took it easy."

"I think I'm okay," I responded as I worked circles around the futon. "Just a bit... STIFF."

I emphasized the last line by stopping and yanking my head sideways. There was a satisfying CRACK and what was left of my headache almost immediately went away.

"Ahahahahaaa... awww..." I almost drooled. "That felt good."

Once I was satisfied with my personal condition, despite this throbbing running from my shoulder down to the tip of my fingers in my right hand, I turned to the de-facto god to be. Then I noticed something.

Tenchi was a blur. How could I MISS that?

"Glasses," I tapped my face, then looked back down at the futon, lapsing into English. "Dammit! Glasses! My things... Where the fuck-"

"Washu has everything," Tenchi instructed. "You brought back quite a few things she wanted to take a look at. And the glasses... They didn't exactly come out intact. Washu was rather surprised you managed to get them broken."

"I got punched in the face by a cyborg SUPER SOLDIER," I pointed out. "I'm kind of surprised I'M not broken... Or maybe I was."

Tenchi just shrugged. "It's Washu. Knowing her, the next pair will be capable of taking everything Ryoko can dish out."

"Yeah, I know right?" I agreed as the Masaki stood from his spot and made to leave the room. "Washu strikes me as someone who would take a blow to her scientific prowess as a personal challenge. It'll probably end up being immune to contact nuclear detonations. And if it doesn't have thermal imaging, night vision, and an integrated heads up display capable of scanning for things I didn't even know existed, I'll be disappointed."

Tenchi let off a small chuckle at my humor as he led me to the stairs. On the way there, I remembered one important thing...

"Hold on," I stated, and disappeared into the bathroom.

A minute later, I returned.

"Okay, I'm better," I commented.

Tenchi nodded and continued on. As he did so, I caught sight of the most interesting scene. At least, to me.

On the couch, watching TV, was Sasami.

In and of itself, it wasn't interesting. It was the arrangements that got me. Sasami was tucked into one corner, leaning against the arm of the couch with Ryo-Ohki propped up against her in child form. Situated on Sasami's shoulder between her neck and the side of Ryo-Ohki's head was Senbei, leaning against the couch. In Ryo-Ohki's lap, Luna was half curled-up but obviously staring at the screen.

The screen itself told me quickly what had their rapt attention, and it suddenly made sense. They were watching an episode of Sailor Moon. My DVD box set was lying on top of the TV.

Bunched up as they were, it was kind of cute. So cute I almost wish I had my camera on me. Especially with Senbei not actually being completely TACKY for once... Wait, Senbei's getting along with Team Cuteness?

I almost laughed outright where I stood, but managed to suppress it to a single, loud snort.

Ryo-Ohki's ear twitched, and instantly, the polyform-lifeform's head snapped around to face me. Then she began to exclaim in a series of excited 'Meow Meow!'

"He's what?" Luna's head followed suit. Her ears perking up alert the way only cats can do. "He is!"

"Hmmm?" Sasami raised the remote and paused the DVD, following everyone's gaze. Then her smile lit up the room.

"You're awake!" she chirped. The picturesque image of strange and cute dissolved as she jumped up from her spot. Senbei easily floated clear while Ryo-Ohki followed, Luna jumping up on the back of the couch effortlessly.

"Thank goodness you're alright," the feline commented as I reached ground level. "After all the stuff you managed to pull off, I was afraid you'd been killed when that one girl hit you. The sound it made..."

"Personally I'm surprised I'm not dead too," I nodded at the feline. "Considering what punched me..."

"So you DID know where you were," Luna tilted her head. "I wasn't sure what was going on, and I was worried when you never started explaining anything like you did before."

"I'm glad you kept your mouth shut too," I nodded. "If they knew that I know even HALF of what I really know about them, things may have been a lot worse."

"I was hoping that was the case," Luna replied. "You seemed to be keeping your head down, so I followed your example. Then, when that girl punched you, and we jumped, I just didn't know what to do. Then this red headed girl busts into the room, sees you, and starts yelling at the top of her lungs. The next thing I know, I'm being hugged by a girl in pajamas, the lights come on, and the red head's shouting about a skull fracture, another girl comes right through the wall like a ghost, Senbei's trying to use his little luck trick on this blond girl..."

"Whoa, whoa, wait a second," I threw my hand up. "Back up... SKULL fracture?"

"You were hurt," Sasami supplied helpfully. "Ayeka almost freaked out when she realized your nose was bleeding all over the futon."

"So I DID get broken," I looked at Tenchi, who shrugged.

"Washu said to keep things toned down, just in case you panicked," he waved it off.

Okay, fair enough. Don't need me having a mental breakdown after head trauma. I guess I got hit harder than I thought. Funny... I don't feel like a trauma patient. So Washu must have been pretty fast in the fixing. I'll have to ask her about the extent of the damage later.

"You want something to eat?" Sasami continued into my thoughts. "I've got breakfast ready."

"Sounds good, thank you." I replied. "Where's everyone else?"

"Breakfast," Sasami smiled.

As we stepped into the dining area, I understood. Today's morning meal wasn't the Family routine I'd been privy to last time.

The table wasn't nearly as packed as it had been the first time around. First and most importantly, Washu was absent. She was probably in the lab. Ryoko was also missing. Tenchi was obviously not there because he was standing behind me at the moment, as were Sasami and Ryo-Ohki. Of the cast that normally sat here, the table was sparsely populated by Mihoshi, Noike, and Ayeka.

"Well, good morning," Noike was the first to spot my entrance and promptly addressed me like a hostess would. I hadn't really interacted with her much last time. Nor Mihoshi for that matter... Then again, most of my interactions consisted of unintelligible conversations that had to be run through Washu. I guess the first thing I should do, would be to give a better impression of myself now that I could actually, you know, have a two-sided conversation.

"Morning..." I replied. "I hope my sudden appearances haven't been causing more trouble than normal around here."

Noike blinked, and I realized I'd inadvertently acted a little more familiar than was polite. Confounded! It wasn't much, but I knew it was the 'more trouble THAN NORMAL' part of the statement.

"Not too bad," Ayeka cut in before anyone else could respond. "At least you have the decency to keep your hands to yourself. And you're quiet. I probably wouldn't have even noticed you were there, save for Washu waking us all up at four in the morning..."

Uh... Did I just get complimented, insulted, or was she making genuine small talk? I'm pretty certain by a combination of how I knew Ayeka to act, and the way she never made eye contact that her comment wasn't intended to be nice. Did I lose ground with her? I could have sworn we ended up on friendly terms. Maybe it was because I landed in her bed a second time. Dammit, now she's pissed at me again.

Hmm...

"I'll be sure to find the deity responsible for this mess and give them a good slap with a VLR for daring to interrupt your beauty sleep," I advised.

There... That should let her know I got the gist of it. Princess not happy, but Princess understands the situation and doesn't want to lose face pressing the issue.

I was rewarded with the princess actually giving me a sidelong glance before she asked a question.

"What's a VLR?"

Oh... I shouldn't use personal science fiction terms in speech. It confuses people.

"Very Large Rock." I answered. Still a confused look... "Asteroids. They make wonderful bludgeoning tools when you get them up to ninety percent light speed."

"Mmmhmmm..." Ayeka nodded, feigning interest. "Well, after what happened it's nice to see you're awake now."

Then she turned back to her half-eaten meal. Attempting to translate from Preposterously Proper Princess into Normal Speak... 'You're not out of the doghouse yet, but you show promise. You are dismissed until such a time as I'm not in a foul mood.'

I don't think I'll be attempting to talk to her any more this meal. I've been down this road. Don't bug her.

Mihoshi stared at me blankly for several seconds before returning to her meal. In the little time I'd seen her, she'd been curiously quiet. I would have expected her to barge in with a dozen questions, or throw us off on a tangent, or something non-sequiter.

Mihoshi being quiet and almost brooding was so unusual it was downright creepy.

Luckily for me, the moment was broken when Senbei suddenly teleported half way across the room and immediately engaged the blond in a rather animated conversation about a high-speed interplanetary chase she'd participated in. From the way it sounded, they must have been going on about this previously. Nobody seemed the least bit put out that he was half a foot tall and dressed like a fashion nightmare.

Then again, look at who we have for residents.

I didn't catch much more of the conversation as Sasami suddenly tugged me by my arm over to a spot at the table and started preparing dishes. Now that we could actually understand each other, she took it upon herself to make comments of each dish she placed in front of me.

I was being treated to a traditional Japanese breakfast. Main course... Steamed rice. And.. Oh Look! Miso Soup. Well, the stereotype menu wasn't completely inaccurate. Then again, I guess it had to show up some time.

Then there were side dishes. I was prepared a kind of sample platter. Sasami pointed out items quickly. Tamagoyaki... Essentially, rolled omelets. Nori, dried seaweed, which smelled 'off' to me, but that was probably just the way the seaweed smelled. Some broiled fish... That looked tasty. And Tsukemono... Pickles

"And no onions in this," Sasami concluded with a smirk. "I noticed you pick those out of the omelet last time."

Did I do that? I honestly couldn't remember doing that. But then again, I was a little preoccupied at the time.

Thankfully, I wasn't expected to try and master chopsticks, and was provided with a fork and a spoon to compensate for my lack of skill in that department. As I ate, Sasami bombarded me with questions about what was good, what I liked, or didn't like, why I hadn't touched the Nori. (Seaweed upsets my stomach, so I've come to notice with my few attempts at Sushi.) And generally pestered me and built a profile of my personal tastes in food while I sat there, fully aware of it. Mainly what it boiled down to was the fish, the rice, and soy sauce getting turned into a casserole, with the Tamagoyaki as a side course, and the pickles as an hors d'oeuvre.

In short, I took a meal Sasami had carefully prepared in traditional style, and mashed it together in a bowl.

On the plus side, I didn't get stared at this time around. Noike was occupied with her own breakfast, Mihoshi was having an animated chat with Senbei, and Ayeka was doing her best to pretend I didn't exist.

Lord only knows where Tenchi wandered off to once Sasami took over, but he was nowhere in sight. And off in a corner, Luna was talking quietly to Ryo-Ohki, who responded back with her characteristic meow noises.

It took a few seconds, but then I realized something.

"You can understand her?" I asked the feline.

"Yes," Luna managed to shrug. "I do speak cat you know. She's got a very sophisticated and humanized dialect, but it's definitely Felix."

"Mew-Meow, Meow?" Ryo-Ohki tilted her head to the side.

"Not really," Luna continued to Ryo-Ohki. "I live with a bubble brain as it is."

"Meow?"

"He's not that bad actually," she continued. "Though after what I've seen, I'll admit he is fumbling around a bit too much with risky plans."

"Meow- Meow..."

"You have no idea..."

"Okay," I interrupted, stopping from my meal. "All I hear is 'meow' over and over again. Is it some kind of feline Morse code? Or what?"

"Don't be silly," Luna chided, her posture suddenly picking up. "Felix isn't structured around sounds produced by the mouth. It's considered vulgar by cats to make sounds with the same part of your body that consumes flesh."

Oh, okay...

"Not to mention give yourselves a bath I take it?" I asked.

"I wasn't going to mention that," Luna looked off to the side. "But yes."

I put my fork down.

"So how does it work?"

"Felix is based on precise pitch control, and perception of subtle tonal differences." Luna advised. "A single 'meow' can carry as much information as a paragraph in human languages."

Damn, that's saying a lot. I mean, literally.

"So why are you talking to her using human language?" I pointed out.

"Habit," Luna shrugged.

"Mind if I give it a shot?" I asked. I was curious. It's not every day you actually get a chance to speak animal. Turning the tables on all these 'talking cats' would be hilarious.

"Meow... Meowow," Ryo-Ohki bubbled.

"What'd she say?" I asked.

"She said, more or less," Luna began. "She sells sea shells by the sea shore."

Cat language trainer eh? I can produce that sound.

"Okay," I began. "My turn..."

Luna started giving off a wry smile.

"Meow... Meowow."

There was a pause.

"She sells skittles, ferocious sea monster with slap of five chunky dancing," Luna translated. Sasami burst out laughing, and even Ayeka seemed to be shaking in her spot.

"Not even close," I sighed.

"Better than most humans," Luna shrugged. "At least you got the right tone for 'sea' down in the middle. Most people will hit the first tone spot on, and slaughter the rest."

"Maybe I can get Washu to program me to speak cat," I mused. "The same way I learned to speak Japanese."

"Don't bother," Luna shook her head. "It's physically impossible for you to speak Felix. You couldn't hear half the tonals in that sentence alone since they're ultrasonic. And you couldn't hope to reproduce the sounds with any degree of accuracy. Trust me, I've known plenty of people who've tried. At best they come off as mentally handicapped kittens. It's as hard as a feline speaking human is. Stick with what you can do."

"But you speak human," I pointed out.

"Have you ever noticed I don't move my mouth the way you do to produce certain sounds?" Luna asked. "I have to be magically assisted to produce certain sounds. You should recall from the information you know about me that I had to have a Band-Aid taken off my head to speak to Usagi. Otherwise all that would come out would be garbled gibberish. I'd rather not make a fool of myself like that."

"Point," I shrugged. "I honestly didn't think about it."

"Fair enough," Luna nodded back.

"You mentioned Ryo-Ohki speaks a sophisticated dialect," I continued on a near tangent. "And humanized. What do you mean?"

"Oh that?" Luna looked at the weapon of mass cuteness again. "She actually says 'meow' whenever she speaks. She has no reason to since it's just a coincidental sound, but she does. As for her dialect... If it were to be put into a form you could understand, she has a very classy English Accent, and speaks using complicated statements"

"Complicated?"

"Erhem," Luna cleared her throat. "For example: Visualize Spot. Visualize Spot sprint. Sprint Spot sprint. Spot sprints expeditiously."

That was... Wait.

"Was that 'See Spot Run'?" I asked. Luna nodded.

Okay, so that was one thing interesting about Ryo-Ohki. Part critter, part super weapon... Personality of a child, intelligence of an MIT graduate. Well, she's an organic super computer too, so I should have seen that coming. Still... English accent? Great. Now I'm going to keep imagining her in a top hat and monocle every time I see her.

"Learn something new every day," I concluded.

"Well," Luna bounded up on the counter nearby and sat down. "At least you pay attention. Lazy bones would just be lost by now."

"How long are you going to keep comparing me to Usagi," I asked out of the blue.

"At least until I can figure out who's crazier," Luna replied pointedly. "Usagi for her childish antics despite how dire things are, or you with your downright suicidal stunts."

"Hey now," I started to glare, insulted. "I took calculated risks with what I was doing. I'd like to see you put your ass on the line against-"

'BOP!'

"Ow!" I snapped, turning to see Sasami retracting a balled up fist. Did she just hit me in the back of the head?

"We don't use that kind of language at the table," she chided.

She did! Sweet little 'never hurt a fly' Sasami just smacked me in the back of the head for swearing at the table.

"Okay, okay!" I returned at the glaring child. "Sorry."

Maybe I should just finish eating. Good idea... Sasami might not look it, but she could be pretty bad ass herself. Considering she beat the living shit out of Mashisu, a well-armed and well-trained GP officer. And this didn't even include the fact that she was Tsunami. Comparatively speaking, I was a mosquito.

I doubt she'd do more than bop me on the head until I was sick of it, but I've already blown my luck once. I don't need to get bitch slapped by Tsunami.

Before long, Noike finished her meal and quickly stood up from the table, excusing herself as she did so. Ayeka similarly dismissed herself a short time after that and washed her plate. That left just Mihoshi, who'd been preoccupied with her conversation with Senbei, and me.

Sasami continued to profile my food preference, and Ryo-Ohki returned with Luna to the living room, where the sound of Sailor Moon episodes resumed on their own.

Noike returned, dressed for travel as she popped open the fridge for the moment.

"I'm going to make a run up to the store real quick," she advised. "I think Tenchi took off to the field on foot again, so I'll use the truck."

"Okay," Sasami nodded. "I'll let him know if he pops up."

Noike nodded and turned to leave, but paused and looked at the table.

"Mihoshi," she snapped. The blond officer stopped talking to Senbei and glanced at the green haired woman curiously.

"Don't you have a report to send out?" Noike asked.

Mihoshi stared blankly, turned her head, looked at the clock, and then looked at Noike again. Then suddenly, her eyes widened and she looked at the clock again.

"Eek!" she yelped. Hastily leaping to her feet. "I'm going to be late!"

This was the Mihoshi I recognized. Bumbling, bubbly, clueless Mihoshi... She fumbled around on her body before producing what looked like a pink cube that looked like it was made of Jell-O. Ah, the control cube. Another insanely awesome piece of gadgetry from an already awesome setting full of really cool gadgets.

With a few deft twists, several items randomly appeared in mid air and came crashing down in front of her. Senbei dodged a suddenly appearing teakettle and several pieces of rather expensive looking china before he teleported into the air and gave the officer a surprised look. Then with a flash, Mihoshi was out of her casual clothing, and into her uniform.

"Okay!" she chirped happily. "I've got to run, but I'll be back in a few hours! I just have to give a quick report to central and I'll be home in time for dinner okay?"

"Okay," Sasami smiled, trying to hide her chagrin at the mess that had suddenly developed. "I'll make sure to set your place."

"Hey boss," Senbei suddenly spoke up, teleporting over to me. Since when did I get called boss?

"You don't mind if I go with her do you?" he asked. "For some reason, she's insanely rich. It's nothing I've ever seen before."

I almost stopped thinking. Senbei was actually being serious. I mean, when was that goofball ever serious? Then it clicked. Senbei, master of probability... And Mihoshi, idiot savant of probability... It makes sense, in a weird, twisted kind of way.

"Sure," I shrugged. "Go ahead. She'll be back in a few hours anyway. But don't come crying to me when she puts your abilities to shame."

"What?" Senbei asked, his character returning. "Better than me? Non-non! I am the best at what I do."

"You just keep telling yourself that," I rolled my eyes. "But it's on the record. I warned you."

"We'll see," he nodded, teleporting over to Mihoshi's shoulder with a quiet pop.

"Okay!" Mihoshi looked at the devil on her shoulder. "Let's go!"

She gave her control cube another twist, and they both disappeared with a pop.

It was quiet, just like that. Now I think I was starting to get it. Unlike fiction, which lead you into a joke by cutting back and forth, Mihoshi ran on no such poetic schedules and nobody got any warning. Her chaos was sudden, random, and quite unexpected. Nobody could get away from the gag because you couldn't see it coming until it hit you in the face. That had to be why it drove everyone bonkers. No setup for the gag... Of course!

I stuck another bite of tamagoyaki in my mouth and chewed thoughtfully. Senbei was going to be in for the ride of his life on-

I stopped chewing.

A moment later I tore out of my spot. There was no way I was going to miss a spacecraft take off! I might never get to see another one!

I made it to the sliding door and dashed out onto the deck by the pier as Yukinojo settled into a hover just above the lake.

One word, 'AWESOME'.

A little larger than a Learjet, but with odd similarities between that and an SR-71, the shuttle Mihoshi flew was triangular, twin-engined, and seemed to defy logic as it floated almost silently above the lake.

I sprinted around and out on the pier to get a better look at the underside. Maybe it had some kind of repulsor plate on the bottom. It wasn't riding any retros.

"IDIOT!" Ayeka's voice suddenly shouted from nearby, causing me to almost fall off the side of the pier. The princess was waving frantically at me.

"Mihoshi's takeoffs are as bad as her landings!" she continued.

What? No they weren't. From what I remember, her takeoffs are nowhere near as bad as her landings. I mean, all it does is kick up some water when she-

Oh shi- WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?

"Kzinti Lesson!" I snapped, slipping a little as I spun around to sprint toward land. "KZINTI LESSON!"

The engines started spooling up deceptively fast. Reminding me that this was NOT a jet, it does NOT take two minutes to warm up. It started up as fast as you could start a car, and it took off like a coiled spring. The engine power coming out of something that accelerated that fast would be enough to- GOD DAMMIT! I REALLY need to stop getting caught up in the cool stuff and think about it a little more!"

I didn't get very far unfortunately. With a thump and the roar of wind, Yukinojo took off like a rocket, the back blast knocking me over the side of the pier into the water.

I came up a moment later, wiping the water out of my eyes and shivering. DAMN this was cold! Yukinojo was already clear of the nearest hill and climbing rapidly up out of sight. Damn! I wonder what the thrust to weight ratio on that thing was.

"You really are hopeless aren't you?" Ayeka commented as she reached the edge of the deck nearest me. "The way you were talking and acting, I didn't think you'd be dumb enough to actually walk up behind a spacecraft. Especially with Mihoshi at the controls."

"You'd THINK," I shrugged. "But I've been having an attack of the stupids lately. Too many cool things to look at around here. I forget to think about the obvious consequences."

Ayeka shook her head.

"It's like you've never seen a space ship before," she rolled her eyes.

"Actually," I began. "I haven't."

The princess paused.

"You haven't?"

"Not up close anyway," I revised.

"Well," Ayeka lowered herself to one knee and reached out. "I assume you've learned your lesson quite well."

"If I had actually been thinking," I began. "I wouldn't have done that in the first place."

Taking Ayeka's invitation, I grasped her outstretched hand and began to use my free hand to pull myself back up on the deck.

"Don't!" she snapped. "You'll get this outfit wet, and I just washed it."

Well, what am I supposed to do? Let you haul me up with your own- wait she was lifting me out of the water with one hand!

The princess hauled me up almost deftly. An obvious reversal to the situation a few days ago when I had struggled to haul her out of the lake. Of course, she was Juraian, who had body enhancement strength to make the GP body enhancement treatment, which made trained athletes look like weak children, in itself, look weak.

Everyone is stronger than I am, or faster than me, or more powerful, or more durable. Dammit, I don't even get fucking durability bonus out of all this. I go squish from a punch in the face.

"There," Ayeka commented. Satisfied as she deposited me on the deck.

"Thanks," I replied.

"Don't mention it," she replied disdainfully as she turned away towards the far side of the house.

"Why are you so pissed off at me?" I asked, causing her to stop. The princess looked over her shoulder for a moment, then replied.

"I'm not angry with you," she shrugged. I call bullshit.

"If you're not angry, you could have fooled me," I replied. "Cold shoulder, clipped tone, double meanings in some of the things you've said, and just now... Behaving as if I'm a stray puppy that almost drowned. Is it because I teleported right into your bed? I told you that wasn't my fault. WASHU told you that wasn't my fault..."

Ayeka sighed, then turned around, her eyes looking a little less determined than they did before.

"It's not that," she shook her head. "It's just..."

She stopped, flushing, and looked at the ground in front of her.

"It's just that, I was just certain Tenchi was getting comfortable around me," she commented demurely. "I thought I'd finally made some progress."

Oh great... Love Story Blues. I need a country song for this. Wait, didn't Ayeka resolve her issues around Tenchi before Noike even arrived? Or, no... Tenchi comfortable with her, oh... OH! 'COMFORTABLE'. I get it. She was hoping to 'GET SOME!' from Tenchi.

"So you're worried about what he thinks of you now?" I asked. The princess flushed another shade darker.

"You're worried about that?" I turned my head to the side. Snorting a quick laugh. "About what mister 'I can't even hate the guy who tried to KILL me' Tenchi Masaki thinks about you?"

I laughed. I shouldn't have, but I did.

"It's not funny!" Ayeka snapped, turning with a huff.

"You'll be fine," I jogged up next to her. "Tenchi knows just as well as you do what's going on."

Then I paused.

"Which, quite frankly, is next to nothing," I added at length. "But if you're worried that my appearance is ruining your image... Don't worry."

'Humph!" she scoffed. "Not exactly encouraging words there."

"Well," I shrugged. "I'm not good at pep talks, sue me. But I think you're getting all worked up over nothing."

"I suppose," she sighed, relaxing a little. "It still doesn't make me feel better.

"At least do me one favor then," I stated.

"And what's that?" she asked.

"Please stop taking it out on me," I pleaded. "I've had a really bad week."

The princess eyed me for several seconds, then turned over, and walked to me.

"Fine," she nodded. "It's not your fault anyway."

"So," I began. "We cool?"

"Yes we're..." then she blinked. "Cool."

"Awesome," I snapped in English, then spun to head for the house. I had breakfast to finish.

"STOP! RIGHT! THERE!" she suddenly thundered behind me. I froze dead still.

"What'd I do?"

"You will wait out here in the sun until you've dried off," she commanded regally. "I will not have you walking around inside dripping water everywhere. Do you understand?"

I think I liked it better when she was avoiding me.


	2. Two Point One

* * *

**Chapter 2: Two Point One**

_A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly..._

_Specialization is for insects._

_\- Robert A. Heinlein_

* * *

 

 Back to the lab again...

Wait, isn't that a song? No, it's lyrics in a song. Who sang it?

Bah! Never mind.

Suffice to say I'm relieved that at the very least, Princess Ayeka had agreed not to take out her personal, emotional frustrations on me. I mean, I like her character, and I'm sympathetic to her background. But I have no desire to be an emotional punching bag (nor a literal one either), and I actually don't like it when people get a deep-seated dislike of me for no discernable reason.

Seriously... I dealt with enough of that shit when I was a kid. So I had determined long ago to be the nice guy, giving people the benefit of the doubt. It's a simple philosophy. 'There are plenty of assholes in the world already; I don't need to be one of them.'

But when someone seems to have it on their mind to absolutely despise you no matter what merits you try to present, be that they just don't like your personality, or find something more childish, it irritates the snot out of me.

So when people start acting like they're determined as all hell to be my enemy, I eventually just roll with it. You want to be my enemy? I might as well give you a reason to be my enemy. Welcome to the wonderful world of stupid. You can be stupid. I can be stupid.

But guess what?

I win, because I'm acting the part, and you're the one actually getting pissed off.

This would actually be the way Ryoko's relationship with the princess more or less works. Ryoko knows her 'vulgar' actions irritate and annoy the princess, and gets amusement harassing her. Ayeka does not realize Ryoko specifically targets her because of said reaction... The rest?

Sibling antics scaled up to home-remodeling force. You'd swear THEY were related, instead of Ayeka and Sasami. Of course, most people saw it as true hatred.

Thankfully, having more or less made second peace with Ayeka, I wouldn't have to worry about the potential for disaster inherent in such an arrangement.

Well, second peace wasn't entirely accurate. I had been 'forgiven' for the transgressions that weren't my fault in the first place, and she wasn't going to despise my very existence. But that didn't mean she wasn't going to make absolutely sure that I adhered to her royal standards of following instructions.

When she said, 'stand in the sun until dry', she meant DRY.

Not 'dry enough not to drip everywhere', not 'mostly dry'... DRY.

This got rather boring. Well, kind of...

It took me an hour to dry, clothes and all. But fifteen minutes into this I decided to show Ayeka up in her little mind games. If I was going to stand there and look absurd, I was going to stand there and look absurd, intelligently. Don't ask me how that works... Please.

Standing around and doing nothing was an art form you just didn't appreciate until you tried an hour at parade rest. Last time I did it was a funeral for an aunt of mine I never even knew. But I was there, and I was going to pay some respect. And with a lack of any emotional attachment to this relative, I did the only thing I could really think to do at the time. Parade Rest, unmoving, unflinching, rigid...

It's not as bad as attention, which sucks more, but standing completely still with your hands placed in the small of your back REALLY tweaks the shoulders when you try to relax into the stance. One has never found doing absolutely nothing to be so damn much hard work.

This activity was both boring as all hell, and yet mildly entertaining when I caught the princess looking at me every few minutes to see if I really was standing in one place. It became a kind of game. She tried to catch me at fault, and I did my best to catch her TRYING to catch me.

Since I hadn't moved an inch, I think I was winning. I wouldn't call this the most interesting routine, but it killed time.

However I didn't really get to find out with any finality as to who would end up winning this little 'game', as the sound of Noike returning with the truck distracted the both of us.

She quickly requested the princess to help her put some groceries away.

Now, one may wonder if they aren't familiar with this household, exactly why Noike was ordering the princess around. Well, the pecking order was rather convoluted. Noike was picked by Seto, Ayeka's grandmother, to be Tenchi's OFFICIAL fiancée. That made her house boss whenever Washu wasn't acting as house mother. If you still can't make sense of it, just try not to think about why Tenchi has half a dozen girls clinging to him.

The simple version was it went sort of like this.

Tenchi/Washu, Noike, everyone else... Me.

Being the bottom of the totem pole in this scenario, it was obvious the moment Noike made her request what the princess would do next.

"You can help too."

Delegate.

Except when Ayeka turned to tell me, I was already moving. If I aimed to improve my current standings with the princess, this would be as good a start as any. Yes, I fully intended to suck up as best as I could.

Game forgotten, I quickly hopped up into the back of the truck. An ugly green single-cab something-or-other that reminded me of those trucks from the fifties. Or was it the thirties? Bah! Who knows, it reeked of 'old truck'.

It was loaded with bags of groceries labeled in characters I couldn't read...

Shouldn't I be able to read something by now? Oh well...

I helped unload by handing items down to the two as they shuttled the groceries inside. It didn't take long. It was mostly light stuff that I wouldn't have even noticed save for the constant twinge in my right arm every time I lifted something. Man, that was getting worse...

Once the unloading was done, I was allowed to return to my breakfast...

My cold breakfast.

Eh... I walked away from food for an hour. My fault really.

"Once you've finished," Noike commented while putting some groceries away. "Washu said that once you woke up, she wanted to see you in her lab."

"Right..." I nodded, then focused on what was quickly turning into mush.

With no distractions from eating the second time around, I managed to wipe out my meal, miso soup and all. That done, I quickly washed the dishes I had used and left the dining area.

Sasami was back to watching more Sailor Moon with Luna and Ryo-Ohki. Were they going to marathon those DVDs all day? Probably... There was something like thirty hours between the two seasons I had.

Shrugging the question away, I turned and walked over to the lab door. I was just about to knock when I noticed something odd. The door was vibrating, as if getting thumped on repeatedly. I hesitated, as it reminded me distinctly of what a door does in the proximity of a sub-woofer.

There wasn't any noise though... I wonder... What was Washu doing in there?

Knocking a few times, I waited. After a few seconds, I tried again.

"Just go on in," Sasami chimed from the couch.

"You sure?" I asked.

"She's expecting you," Sasami grinned.

"Okay..." I shrugged. And turned the handle, giving the door a push.

["ME AND ME MUM AND ME DAD AND ME GRAN. WE'RE OFF TO WATERLOO-"](https://youtu.be/va6nPu-1auE?t=1m57s)

'Thud'

JESUS H. FUCKING CHRIST! I slammed the lab door shut again, white as a sheet. What the hell was Washu. - What the flying fuck? That was loud.

I turned around to see that I wasn't the only one who almost had a heart attack. Luna was buried under a cushion, her paws over hear ears, and likewise Ryo-Ohki had been startled right out of her child form and dove behind Sasami in an attempt to escape the blast of noise.

"My WORD!" Luna began, sitting up straight. "For a second there I thought we were under attack."

"Mroew..." Ryo-Ohki nodded.

"I'm going to find out," Luna nodded back, hopping down and trotting over to me.

"You actually want to go in there?" I asked.

"I've already been in there once," Luna shrugged. I'm still wondering how she manages to pull that all-too-human body language off so effectively in a cat's body.

"Okay then..." I nodded, turning the handle on the door again, bracing for a wall of noise. Luna too, flattened her ears. I would imagine, if it were bad for me, it must be absolutely painful for a cat with a more sensitive sense of hearing.

With a quick shove, I opened the lab door.

"VINDALOO! VINDALOO! NA! NAAAAAA!"

We both ducked into the lab; the door depositing us in an area that looked similar to the one I was in last time I was here. But then again, there was no telling where you were in a place that spanned more surface area than every continent on the planet. What could she possibly need five entire planets for anyway? Did she have continent sized projects she let sit around, or did she just have THAT MANY little experiments and items the size of a city bus?

There was no telling for sure, but one thing was certain.

"This is LOUD!" I tried to shout over the din at Luna. I think the feline responded, but it was drowned out by the noise of the music that was being played. I tried to figure out where it was coming from, but it seemed like it was coming from everywhere. It was like headphones... NO! Worse than headphones... It was like it was inside my skull. It wasn't painful, but it was pretty hard to think over the sound of lots of Brits shouting 'We all like vindaloo!' in clearly understandable English.

Washu can't be too far away. Her door has a habit of depositing interlopers within' spitting distance.

A few seconds of scanning the surroundings proved me to be right again in my educated guesses. A few dozen feet to our left, Washu was sitting, back to us, on one of her floating cushions, typing away next to a table of extremely familiar items.

The reason Ryoko was missing from breakfast was also explained. As the afore-mentioned was currently a little tied up off to the side, looking quite exasperated with her situation.

Sneaking up on Washu was a cinch. Well, if you can call walking quite normally over to the scientist 'sneaking'. I don't think anyone would be able to hear anyone else if they were wearing tap-dancing shoes and Riverdancing behind her.

"Washu!" I tried to shout over the din. But my voice was carried away never to be heard from again. Oh god dammit, my kingdom for an air horn. Or maybe that thing Jim Carrey had in The Mask that said 'squeeze me Gently' and ended up not only shattering the window on the car he used it on, but blowing the radiator too. Awooooooooooooga!

Stepping closer, I reached out and tapped the scientist on the shoulder.

"WASHU!"

She jumped, turning to face me for a second, then quickly spun and tapped something on the edge of the table.

Silence! Sweet, SWEET silence...

"Hey!" She began. "You're awake!"

"How can you hear anything over that noise?" I asked, sticking a finger in one ear.

"It's only ninety decibels," she shrugged. "No damage to your hearing, so relax."

Washu then stood up from her spot and picked the object she'd tapped off the table.

"I took the liberty of going through all your things when you came back," she began. "That music player of yours gave me an idea for a little gadget and I just HAD to make it."

"Mind clueing me in on what it is?" I asked, then stopped. "Wait, no, you'll tell me whether I ask or not. And I'm betting it's some kind of super technology music player."

"Good assumption," Washu nodded. "It's a music player that utilizes gravitational resonance to make every molecule up to four-hundred meters vibrate in frequency with the music pattern. Which allows you to be right in the middle of the music no matter where you put it. Perfect for personal use, or parties."

Well, that explains why it sounded like it was inside my head.

"Anyway," Washu set the glorified MP3 player down. "I'm more concerned about you at the moment. After our last conversation, you didn't make any communications for three days our time. The beacon jumped three times as well, which told me that you must be okay... But you never call, you never write..."

"I was a little preoccupied with my situations at the time," I shook me head. "The first was dealing with a being that may or may not be on par with one of the Administrators. The second was dealing with a bunch of people who were monitoring my every move."

"The third?" Washu asked.

I blinked. Third? I didn't wake up any- wait. Yes I did. Which means I skipped- Hmm...

"I went back to sleep before anything happened there," I pointed out. Washu paused and put her hand on her chin.

"So it's definitely linked to your state of consciousness," she pondered aloud. Then, with snap of her head, she looked at me.

"Tell me," she began. "In the last world, did you pass out? Or were you knocked out?"

"I don't even remember the blow landing," I admitted. "I just saw a fist and then it was lights out..."

"I see," Washu replied almost to herself, then reached out and rapidly typed up some data. After a few seconds, she turned back to me, pondering look replaced by one of her more motherly faces.

"So how do you feel?" she began.

"Well," I thought about it. "The headache's almost gone, but I'm still stiff as a board."

"That's to be expected," Washu nodded. "You really were in a sorry state when you appeared."

"How bad was it?" I asked.

"Luna thought you were dead," Washu looked down at the feline. "It only took one look at those glasses I gave you to realize you were seriously hurt. Oh, by the way."

Washu reached over and handed me a pair of glasses. Grateful, I slipped them on, the lab around me returning to crystal clarity.

"Thanks," I nodded.

"You're welcome," Washu indicated a spot another floating Cushion popped out of one of her instant portals. I still can't get over that as I sat down.

"So anyway," she continued. "Considering how tough those were, I knew instantly you had to be in pretty bad shape. The preliminary examination I did accounted for at least a smashed nose, and a concussion. It only took me a few more seconds to determine you'd suffered a compound fracture of your skull, and a possible Epidural Hematoma."

Epidural Hematoma... Epidural Hematoma... What was? Epidural... Epi- WAIT!

"Isn't that bleeding in the brain?" I about panicked on the spot before Washu clapped a hand on my shoulder.

"You're okay," she chided rather forcefully. "Luckily for you the blow was more or less face on, and that thick skull of yours took the trauma. Most of the damage done was localized, and you were bleeding from the nose instead of into the cranial cavity."

"Okay," I nodded, trying to calm back down. Damn, good thing she really DID have Tenchi keep it low key.

"Now," Washu continued. "Considering this is ME we're talking about, the injuries were a snap to repair in no time flat. By the time I got to work, the nanites I'd given you were already reconstructing bone tissue around the fracture points. But I gave them a little boost and reconstructed your nose."

"I kind of figured the reason I didn't spend a month in a coma would be your doing," I began. "I couldn't even tell I'd been all that hurt when I woke up."

"Physical trauma injuries in primitive humans are practically trivial to repair these days," Washu waved it away. "So long as you're still alive, most injuries which leave the tissue in tact are repairable. Even getting caught on an exploding starship doesn't guarantee you'll end up dead as long as medical experts get to you in time."

"Well," I began. "It doesn't hurt that you're also a-" I paused and looked at Luna.

"She already knows," Washu shrugged.

"Goddess," I smirked.

Ryoko snorted.

"Did you say something dear?" Washu asked in a playful voice. Ryoko averted her eyes, quickly finding something more interesting off in the distance.

"Anyway," Washu continued, standing up. "Stand up, let me run some checks."

"Why do you need to run tests on me if you just fixed me up?" I asked, but complied.

"Young man," Washu began pointedly. "I may have fixed your injury. But I have yet to determine the results of the last week. You've suffered from severe sleep deprivation, physical AND mental trauma, chemical imbalance, and extended periods of stress and fatigue. On top of this, the injuries you've received have been taxing the limits of that nanobot injection I gave you. You've lost at least seven to eight pounds of body fat in less than a week, when it's considered unhealthy to lose more than three. And considering your actual active time in each world based on my beacon log, you've only experienced a combined total of about three days. I have to make explicitly certain that there aren't any harmful side effects as a result. And if there are, to treat them."

"Oh..." I didn't have anything intelligent to respond with to that. But I guess she had a point.

Washu lead me over past Ryoko to a set of equipment that looked all too familiar and began hooking me up. Once she did that, she whipped out a penlight and quickly pointed it in my eyes.

"Hold still," she instructed, switching back and forth a few times before returning it to wherever she got it.

"Dilation's normal," she noted aloud, glancing at her screen. "Blood pressure's in range of the last test but higher..."

"Point where you hear a sound," she indicated, then pushed a button. I almost didn't hear it at first, but there was a quiet tone that sounded like it came from off to the left. I pointed. Washu repeated it from multiple directions a few more times before she stopped.

"Normal hearing," she remarked. "Inhale please..."

This was starting to seem like the typical medical examination as I took a deep breath. Though, instead of a stethoscope, Washu just looked at her computer and nodded.

"Same as before," she nodded, then did a double take. "One hundred and one point five. Core temp's a touch high. Feeling sick lately?"

Was she using Fahrenheit scale knowing I'd recognize it better?

"I was getting cold flashes in the last world," I nodded. "Plus I was sore for no reason."

"Your body was having a hard time adjusting," Washu nodded. "I could read you all the symptoms on sleep deprivation, but I'm sure that after experiencing them first hand, you recognize them. The high body temperature is a bit abnormal. Usually temperature drops, but you might have caught something, probably influenza, though the nanites probably killed it off before the symptoms got bad."

Washu then pressed a button, and suddenly, a white display appeared in the distance covered in markings of various sizes, looking distinctly like a Washu Brand Snellen Chart for eye exams.

Except where the huge ass E would be, there was a rather obvious 'ka' symbol. She just gave me perfect lenses, what was she-

"Please read the chart," Washu pointed out.

"Ka," I began. "Ga. Uh... Fu-Fa?"

"Stop," Washu grimaced, changing the display. "Can you read any of that?"

"Negative," I stated curtly.

Washu sighed.

"Sleep deprivation's had an adverse affect on the language programming process," she shook her head, then changed the display. Now a giant L was at the top.

"Read," she instructed.

"El..." I began. "Oh, El. Oh, Em, Gee, Double-You, Tee, Eff, Bee, Bee, Cue..."

"Keep going," Washu instructed.

"Are, Oh, Eff, El, Oh, El, See, Oh, Pee, Tee, Ee-"

Wait a second...

"Lol, Oh my god what the fuck barbecue, and ROFLCOPTER?" I blinked in surprise.

"Cognitive recognition delay is way up," Washu shook her head.

"How'd you know I'd recognize that?" I asked. "It won't show up here for at least, ten years or so."

"You have a picture on your camera showing your computer screen," Washu commented. "It's in the image."

Oh...

"Anyway," Washu sighed, inputting some data. "Because of the sleep deprivation, your brain hasn't been able to fully process all the information it's been getting. Plus that, combined with your jumps, seems to have resulted in you experiencing more or less three days instead of a full week like you should have. So the reading portion of the language programming is way behind. Other than that, you're more or less fine. Your blood pressure, core temperature, and cognitive abilities should normalize over the course of the day, assuming you stay more or less stress free. "

"So in a nutshell I'm-" I began.

"You're in good shape for someone who just went through Chibi Hell Week," Washu interrupted. "But you need a little down time for everything to regulate. Normally I'd suggest more bed rest but..."

My brain wasn't slow on understanding the implication there. I go to sleep, Chibi Hell Week mark two. But I can't go staying awake for days on end.

"Hold out your arm," Washu advised, getting my attention again. She was holding a syringe.

"What's in that one?" I asked, remembering the last time.

"New dosage of nanites," Washu commented, injecting my arm without fuss. "After the things you've been through I decided you'd need a configuration made for handling larger scale injuries. They don't fix them much faster, but you won't have the side effects that plagued you last time. And they'll improve your tolerances to muscle fatigue by breaking down lactic acid. Not to mention neutralize all those toxins released into your blood stream by the fat loss."

"After what I've been through, you should just give me the Body Enhancement treatment," I commented. "I can live with trying to hide that I'm 'Man: PLUS' if it means I can deal with the crazy strong people I've encountered."

"No," Washu stated quite simply.

Somewhere, somehow, I know someone would just LOVE use the sound effect of a record player coming to a stop to describe just how my train of thought processed that statement.

"Run that by me again..." I stated.

"I said no," Washu stated again and then continued before I could voice an objection. "I was thinking about it all day yesterday myself. I figured you wouldn't turn it down a second time, and might even come asking for it. Frankly, I was kind of surprised you turned it down the first time. That takes some self-restraint to pass on that kind of opportunity, and your argument was rather weak considering how easy it is to hide it. I think, you were more afraid of what you would become. Not that you were afraid what might happen."

Washu smirked a bit and crossed her arms at what had to be the most obvious look of 'That's Not Fair!' I must have had on my face.

"Luna explained what you told her about the comparisons of your worlds." The scientist continued. "A full body enhancement treatment would make you neigh unstoppable in your own world. I would trust that you would use such ability responsibly, but as they say, Power Corrupts, and Absolute Power Corrupts Absolutely. Were you to snap, you could go on a rampage to rival Ryoko and Ryo-Ohki on Jurai. Or given what you know about these worlds you arrive in, do far greater damage. And I promised myself... And Funaho. I would never create another Ryoko."

"Hello..." Ryoko commented from nearby. "Right here you know."

"So," I began, trying to find words. "Just like that, I'm disqualified... Because I COULD go nuts and rack up property damage counts in the quintillions..."

Ryoko's damages to Jurai totaled over six quintillion yen. I remember freeze-framing Misaki's bill to get a closer read. That's sixty-quadrillion dollars. Or more understandably for people who don't count that high very often. Sixty Thousand Trillion Dollars. Or if you're STILL having trouble wrapping your head 'round it:

Six, with sixteen zeros behind it...

Needless to say, my self-esteem got a boot to the face just then.

"Oh! Don't look at me like THAT!" Washu pouted, grabbing me around the neck, putting me in a headlock, and giving me a noogie. "Lighten up you! You're too serious!"

GAH!

"I'm not letting you walk around as a living weapon," she continued after letting me go. "But I'm not going to let you walk around defenseless! So cheer up!"

"If you're not going to turn me into a living tank," I began. "What ARE you going to do?"

"I'm going to give you a useful tool," Washu cackled, actually CACKLED. Oh god, she just went into mad science mode! Washu was notorious when she was like that...

"What's with that look?" she interrupted my train of thought. "Oh, come on, it's not that bad. Come here!"

The scientist dragged me back over to the table where my things were sitting and began to explain herself.

"You've been collecting items from the worlds you've visited," she instructed. "I realized that when you were fighting that demon. So I decided to add to your mix and give you a few new tools."

Then Washu reached over and plucked a case out of one of her instantly appearing acme instant holes...

Still finding that cool...

"Take a look at this."

She set the case on the table with a loud 'thud', and snapped it open. Inside, was what I could only describe as some kind of wetsuit; A solid-black one-piece ensemble that looked like you slipped into it, and then zipped it up in the back. But knowing Washu, any semblance to a wetsuit was purely cosmetic. It was a suit, but not a wetsuit. Futuristic, super science suits only came in a few flavors.

"Is this a power suit?" I asked.

"Almost!" the scientist grinned as Luna hopped up on the table to take a look. "I like to call it a Hazardous Environment Suit."

Hazardous Environment? A Hazard Suit? Oi, where's my crowbar? And I'll need a beard.

"You need something for strength enhancement and minor protection." Washu continued. "You said yourself that in the 'comedy' based worlds, slapstick violence still occurs. This will protect you. I designed it based off the GP combat pressure suit, but modified the overall design specifically for your needs."

"Such as?" I lead in. Okay, I admit, I was interested.

"It's impact resistant to a minor level," Washu began. "Not combat rated, but it protects against coincidental impacts of medium objects enough that you can only really be hurt if you walk into something deliberately. And then the suit itself is very resistant to physical damage. You can take one of Earth's armor-piercing bullets and it won't penetrate this suit. That won't protect you from blunt force trauma, but at least your insides won't be plastered on the wall."

I'm starting to like this suit...

"Here," Washu picked the suit up and handed it to me. "Put it on."

"Now?"

"Yes."

I shrugged, and started slipping my legs into the thing, when suddenly Washu stepped forward and stopped me.

"No," She began. "It goes on UNDER the clothes. For the suit to work it has to be in contact with your skin."

"What?" I gaped, realizing I was about to ask a rather obvious question. "You mean strip?"

Washu nodded, and then simply stood there waiting. I countered by fixing her with a non-plussed look of my own.

"Well?" she began after a moment.

"Is it too much to request a moment of privacy?" I asked.

Washu rolled her eyes as if to say 'you big baby', but reached out and pressed a button on her console as it appeared. Out of nowhere, a changing screen suddenly materialized between us.

"Better?" she asked, blocked by little more than a frame of wood and paper. I knew better than to answer.

After a few moments, I stripped down and started putting the suit on. The material felt odd. Almost like the texture of sandpaper, but soft like gel. I pushed my feet down into the legs, and discovered the suit wrapped all the way around, covering my entire foot. The hands were similar, and ended almost seamlessly as gloves. Only the fingers were cut out just short of the second knuckle, allowing me access to my real digits, and there was something that looked like a watch on the left wrist. The suit rose up my neck, but wasn't unpleasantly snug like a turtleneck sweater. I always hated those things. There was some kind of small tab or button right at the collarbone.

"Are you decent?" Washu asked after a moment. "I have to explain a few features."

"Yeah," I shrugged. The fit was actually very nice. "I guess."

* * *

                                                                                       

* * *

 A moment later, the changing screen dropped through an oblong hole in the floor.

Cool.

"Okay," Washu continued, looking me up and down. "Perfect fit. I got your measurements right. But if you ever need to adjust it, just..."

"Push this thing here?" I indicated the tab near my throat.

"Right," Washu blinked. "Know about GP uniforms too I take it?"

I nodded.

"Good," she smirked. "I took the auto-fitting feature from the GP uniform. The next one is something of my own design. The watch on your left hand."

I looked at it...

* * *

                                                      

* * *

 

"There is a button on the side at the one-O-clock position," Washu instructed.

"Here?" I pointed.

"Press it."

I did as instructed and-

'BZAP!'

"AHA!" I yelped. It felt like I'd just grabbed an electric fence and got bit by the current.

"Good," Washu nodded. "That's normal."

"What was that?" I asked, waiting for the tingling over my ENTIRE body to stop.

"Calibration," the scientist answered. "The suit just established a contact link with the nerve endings on your skin. Tell me, does it feel a bit drafty all of a sudden?"

I almost yelped with modesty when I realized that it no longer felt like I was WEARING anything, and quickly looked down to reaffirm I was still decent. Indeed, the suit was still there.

"The suit is like a second skin," Washu continued. "It will pick up the same sensations you do and transmit them directly to the nerve clusters below. What it feels, you feel. It also partially regulates heat, as it absorbs body heat to recharge."

"Cool," I grinned, though I felt a bit exposed now. A few seconds later I realized the pun. Dammit!

"Next feature," Washu continued. "Also requires the nerve connections to be calibrated. If you look at the watch again..."

I did as instructed.

"You'll notice the ring around the outside with the toothed edges..."

"The ones with the arrows that point at the numbers, one, two, four, eight, and sixteen?" I asked. "Can I take a guess and say that's some kind of strength enhancement settings?"

"Very good," Washu indicated with a nod. "That is strength enhancement, in multiples of your physical strength. You twist the ring clockwise to select up the scale, and counter-clockwise to go back down. One is of course, your normal physical strength. Sixteen is, obvious."

"Right," I nodded.

"The other reason the suit has to be calibrated," Washu continued. "Is to operate those strength enhancement features. The suit, once tied in, reads your nerve impulses and when under power, provides the equivalent force scaled up."

I nodded again. That makes sense. In order to function smoothly, it has to know what I'm doing, and how much force I'm trying to apply to operate with any kind of precision. Otherwise I end up walking around like a teenager's first time in the car tapping the brakes a bit too hard. That did lead to a question.

"Does it compensate for if I'm attempting finesse with strength?" I asked. "Like, if I'm trying to pet a mouse, but accidentally crush it because I 'pet' it sixteen times harder?"

Washu shook her head.

"That's something that can't be programmed externally," she informed me. "It partially detects how you're moving, so you won't suddenly leap off the ground trying to stand up at sixteen times normal strength, but you'll have to learn to control your more extreme actions on your own, or risk hurting yourself and others."

"So," I began, thinking. "I shouldn't go right to max until I get used to operating the other settings."

"Bingo," Washu nodded. "There's one other thing too. The power system holds enough energy for four minutes of continuous operation at maximum strength. Five if you're really active and producing excess body heat."

"That's all?" I asked. "Five minutes of Hulk LIGHT, then back to normal?"

"If you need more than five minutes at sixteen times your normal physical strength," Washu smiled wryly. "You've got bigger problems."

"Well that blows," I grumbled, then looked back at her. "How do I recharge it? Turn it off?"

Washu nodded.

"It recharges over a period of about twenty minutes when it's off. You can operate it at two times strength indefinitely, but it won't recharge. The four, eight, and sixteen settings effectively consume double their previous settings so you get sixteen minutes, eight minutes, and four minutes respectively. As I said before, you can stretch those to twenty, ten, and five minutes if you're active and producing excess body heat."

Okay, so the thing has a short run time at full power, but it recharges faster than my cell phone. I've got full body protection from impact from small objects, and protection up to MAYBE large caliber bullets, though I might end up with internal bleeding there. Still, there was one thing missing.

"Does this thing have a helmet?" I asked.

Washu gave me a perplexed look.

"Why would you want a helmet?" she asked.

Okay, wait, hold up... STOP. Why would I want full body protection, except for the most vulnerable part of my entire body? Is this another test checking to see if my common sense was in tact?

"Hello?" I asked, pointing at my face. "I came that close to dying from a punch in the face..."

"Then don't get punched in the face." Washu responded pointedly.

What the? I mean... This is... How the...

"I mean it," she continued. "Don't get punched in the face, or shot at, or attacked by monsters... I'm providing this suit for your protection, not so you can go starting fights. I SHOULD provide you with a helmet, but instead I'm going to deny you one. I figure that if you're aware of such a gaping vulnerability, you'll be a lot less likely to go doing crazy things, and keep your head down like you should."

I...

I really don't know what to think. She's nerfing me. She's deliberately nerfing me. First it's the body enhancement, which I can understand. Now it's 'no helmet for you'... For what? So I don't go trying out something crazy like shouting 'ZERG RUSH!' and charging into a fight over my head?

What kind of retarded, fucked up logic is that?

"It's for your own good," Washu frowned.

I warned you to get out of my head so many times now... If you just read my mind, you deserve it.

"You managed to last this long in environments not suited to your presence," Washu continued. "And you did just fine."

"Not including the whole 'almost got killed by a cyborg super soldier punching me in the face' bit I would assume," I frowned. "Right?"

"I'm certain you won't let that happen twice," Washu snarked. "After all, your head is your vulnerable spot."

Then she reached out and flicked me in the forehead.

"It's also your greatest asset."

She then turned to Luna and smiled.

"Isn't that right?" she asked.

"I'll admit, yes," the feline agreed.

"Anyway!" Washu perked up. "There's one more feature I haven't told you about. Look at the watch again."

"Okay," I nodded.

"Below the timer, which is your current runtime for a given setting remaining by the way, you'll see what on a normal digital watch would be the illumination light button."

There was indeed, a big rectangular face button. Washu walked around to my right side and seemed to check the area around us for some reason. Then took me by the shoulders and pulled me a step back and to the right.

"Press it," She instructed.

'Beep.'

'Fwip!'

I blinked, and looked up at the sound. Right in front of my face, was a solid black circle; ringed by ripples in the air that bent the light the same way a glass of water would. I almost jerked away from it on instinct when Washu quickly grabbed my arm and held it still.

"It follows your arm," she instructed, swaying my arm back and forth.

"It's," I started to laugh just a bit as the hole in the air moved. "It's a portal."

I pushed the button again, and the hole sealed itself like it was never there. Then pushed it again, reopening the portal, then again to shut it. Cool, COOL! I was actually totally geeking out now.

"You like that?" Washu grinned at my barely contained excitement. In retrospect, I had to look like a five-year-old on Christmas day. I simply nodded with a stupid grin on my face as I played with it.

"I noticed how you behaved every time I used one," Washu continued to smirk knowingly. "I kind of figured you'd like this little feature. It's useful, and interesting from your perspective."

"No kidding," I continued to grin quite stupidly at the hole as I made it appear and disappear. Fuck a helmet, I'll just find one later. Now I've got a portal! I can conceal carry a goddamn BAZOOKA and nobody would know. I'll be a walking armory. Hehehehehahahahaha!

"I think you broke him," I barely heard Luna comment.

"He'll get over it," Washu replied.

I continued to goof off for about another minute before I finally managed to calm down. Still, it's a portal. I just need a gun that shoots them and I'd be all set.

"You about done?" Washu smiled. After a moment, I closed the hole one last time and lowered my arms, sighing in an attempt to calm myself again. Then nodded.

"Okay listen up," She snapped in a tone that made me lock up rigid as the first day of BCT. "This is your safety brief. The pocket dimension that comes with this suit is not a magical bag of holding, no matter what you may think. This is a two-dimensional storage access that connects you to a private micro-universe. This universe is a self-contained independent thermodynamic entity approximately one and a half meters across. What goes in, _will_ come out. That means objects, life forms, air, water, heat, light, whatever. If you put it in there, it will _still_ be in there when next you open it. As this space is so small, it will reach maximum entropy very quickly. Do not open under water, do not open submerged in magma. Do not use as a bomb disposal location. Be aware of where you choose to open the access. Be sure that the access area is not occupying the same space as the supporting columns of load bearing structures, equipment under high stress, or anyone who happens to be standing there. The results can and will be quite unpleasant. Do you understand?"

What goes in, will come out, maximum entropy, watch where I open it... It took a second, but then it dawned on me. DAMN! You have to be careful with this thing.

"Yes ma'am," I nodded, knowing the look of realization on my face told Washu before I even spoke.

"Wonderful!" Washu turned away. "I've got a few more things I'm working on, but I'm still up in the air on a few details. In the mean time you should go find something to do to get used to the two-X setting on the suit. Twice your normal strength shouldn't take too much adjusting too, and makes for a good stepping stone for four times your normal strength. And for the time being, don't TOUCH any of the higher strength settings."

I nodded. Some people might call it lame. But when someone tells you for your own safety NOT to do something, you DON'T do it.

"Everything else you need to know is in this manual," Washu continued, handing me a small five to ten page pamphlet. "It explains things in a bit more detail than what I've explained here. Read it. I put it in English for you."

"I will," I nodded. Washu then turned and pushed a button, her door appearing behind me.

Making to leave, I stopped to grab up the clothing I'd taken off so I could go and redress myself. The... 'Draft' was getting a bit unnerving to tell you the truth. Luna bounded down off the table to follow.

"Oh wait, hold on!" Washu commented suddenly. "I almost forgot."

For just a second, I was reminded of my own mother. Always remembering one more thing at the last minute. That's one thing that will drive me up the wall. Still, I stopped and turned around.

Washu was looking down at Luna though.

"Luna," the scientist continued at the feline. "I was going over your data earlier. And I noticed a string of genetic and magic type indicators that are markers for advanced biological morphology. However the markers attached to them that dealt with your ability to link those to your magical energy reserves seem to be damaged... Looks almost like cellular level frost damage."

I blinked. I got the idea of what she was saying... But likewise with the rather confused look Luna had, I was dumbfounded as to what she was getting at.

"If you'll hold still for a second," Washu explained. "I'm going to repair them, and do a test trigger."

Before either of us could question what she was going on about, Washu pushed another button, causing a small device to appear and bathe Luna in a momentary blue glow.

"Cellular reconstruction is a cinch," Washu cackled. "Now... let's see what we get. If what I was reading was correct..."

She pressed another button and the beam stopped, then emitted a brief pulse of light. For a second, nothing happened. Then suddenly, the feline began to glow. Then, there was another flash, this one from the photoluminescent cat, and an audible loud 'POP!' that forced me to shield my face.

"Just as I expected," Washu commented. "Dual morphology."

I lowered my arm as the light died off, and came face to face with, not a cat, but a blue haired young lady, blinking away in surprise.

Wait... What? What did Washu just-?

Then it hit me... Luna could transform into a human. She just used it like, maybe once... Ever.

"I forgot she could do that," I noted.

"So did I," the girl with Luna's voice replied.

Well...

That explained the whole 'human body language from a cat' shtick.

I really need to review my source materials the next time I get the chance...

 

 


	3. What's New Pussycat?

* * *

  **Chapter three: What's New Pussycat?**

_"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."_

_\- Robert A. Heinlein_

* * *

  


There was an observation I made about using Washu's strength enhancing Hazard Suit.

I felt light.

Really light...

It was only two-times my normal physical strength, but it's amazing the difference in something as simple as double your own strength.

Sure, I wasn't actually any lighter. My feet reminded me of that. But the way my legs moved with a kind of eased snap as I took each step just didn't feel like I was lifting but half their weight. In fact, it felt really REALLY weird.

Ever picked up a heavy box, only to discover as you lifted that the box was in fact, empty? Remember the sensation of surprise as you nearly catapulted yourself across the room? That's what this felt like, all over my body.

Every movement I made felt like I had overestimated what I needed. Every step a kick; every swing of my arms, overthrown... It was as if every move I made was like I was going to throw one appendage or another out of it's socket, or pull muscle, or tear a tendon...

But despite the sensations, it was all illusion. I did not violently yank my arms beyond their range of motion, and when I actually did react to the sensation of an over swing, the suit's nerve connections read my muscle control perfectly. Stopping me without so much as the strain you would normally associate with trying to stop yourself in the middle of a violent throwing action.

It took a little while, but I realized that the real trick was to get used to the sensations. Once you got used to those, the true feeling was that of being lighter than air. Compensating was easy, though at first, I looked like the proverbial drunken master. Stumbling this way and that, flailing about, but somehow still in control.

Luna was getting an absolute kick out of it.

I suppose it was only fair trade for what happened.

See: After Washu had triggered Luna's transformation from Felis Catus into Felis Sapiens, we had stood, staring in shock. I had forgotten that element of the feline to the point of it not even registering. It had reminded me there were gaps in my knowledge about everything that I knew big enough to drive a truck through. Seeing as I barely remembered after the fact that she COULD transform, I then realized that I didn't remember, or didn't know the in-universe method originally used to trigger it.

Luna, likewise, had seemed to puzzle over similar for something like thirty seconds to a minute before Washu had decided to comment.

"Like what you see?"

So drawn into my own thoughts about it, I could only furrow my brow as to what the mischievous scientist was implying in that deceptively schoolgirl-tone. I had to look at her to ask her what she meant when I noticed that absurd Cheshire-cat smile of hers.

Once seeing that smirk, combined with her question and tone of voice, I had almost nonchalantly approached the situation as if I had been back home watching it on the TV. To my mind, occupied as it was reviewing trivia, it was the natural thing to do. That smirk, with that tone, with that question... It was a classic lead in to a joke. Most likely it would be used in a perverted contex-

Then I jerked my head back to Luna and realized what Washu must have been seeing. See, after turning into a 'human', Luna was no longer, or rather, had never been wearing any discernable clothing. Being a cat and all, that wasn't previously an issue. Now as you might expect of a long drawn out lead-in like this, I had been staring at her rather blatantly naked body, looking dumbfounded, for over a minute.

You know how that looks.

Now, I am very much male. And as such, I am admittedly attracted to the human female body just as much as any other guy. I'm just better at hiding it. Much better...

How much better?

Some people think I'm gay. Bah! Let them think what they want.

I'd like to blame a childhood of ridicule and torment from my peers for that one. I'll admit it; I'm defensively shy. Based on the way I behave though, you'd never actually realize it. THAT was a byproduct of military training.

Given my stunted social growth, resulting in being more introverted; I'd gained an enhanced intellectual view of the world. Apply military training here to bitchslap all the introvertedness out of me and apply a brutally practical mindset.

The result is the peculiar mindset I have. I don't 'pursue' female companionship... Not actively anyway. I'd rather just sit and enjoy their company, chat, have a good conversation. I'm more comfortable that way. Blatant attempts to flirt with me have a tendency to trigger my deeply rooted defensive response, which is rather cold compared to normal.

A bunch of guys would probably see these thoughts, roll their eyes, and simply declare that I need to get laid.

They're probably right...

But I don't care. Instead, I've actually embraced the concept that girls are not mere objects of desire, to be pursued like prizes. I've seen too much drama at home as a direct and indirect result of that childish thinking that it just didn't seem worth it.

Hell, that's probably the only reason I'm still alive. If I had acted even one IOTA like half the guys I knew back home, I'd have dug myself a grave the size of a swimming pool with a backhoe and mining explosives.

Deep seated psychological issues aside... I digress. What did this have to do with Luna?

Well, with the combination of my personality, and the understanding of how these things usually turn out in these worlds, I more or less knew just how few 'safe' responses I suddenly had. Washu might not have immediately recognized it, but there was a convention of this universe at work that very second. I had been standing right in the middle of a joke going off.

Privy to this understanding, knowing exactly what all the wrong responses were, I still almost fell right into the cliche'. I almost had a mental shutdown and panicked. But that one corner of my mind that was approaching everything from the logical 'this is fiction' perspective managed to keep me centered.

The correct response, believe it or not, is not to over react, but also not to ignore it. It was clean, clear logic that so many people placed in this situation just did not possess. Either because it was part of the joke, or because they were perverted imps anyway.

I had coughed, suddenly turning around to inspect the 'FAR more interesting' cable running across the ground a dozen meters away.

"Luna," I had said as if it were a suggestion almost below her notice. "You might want to do something about your attire."

"What do you-" she had begun, but cut off. I swear... I felt the heat behind me before she let out a rather curious sounding 'Yeep!' of modesty at her state of undress. You're no longer a cat Luna... Did you expect that body to come with a ballroom gown standard issue?

Washu found the revelation hilarious, while Ryoko had audibly grumbled about how boring this was.

In all fairness, whether I had noticed or not, I had stared at Luna, as a girl, while she was naked. Such things do not go unpunished. I had managed to prevent her from losing her dignity, but not her modesty. And as the conventions of these universes SO love to do with perverse humor, it got its revenge. Or rather, Luna got her revenge, in her own little way.

After Washu had scienced up some clothing for Luna, she'd ushered us out of the lab, leaving me with instructions to drink lots of water to flush the toxins released by fat burning out of my system.

Luna had been a touch wobbly for maybe all of ten minutes. After that, her movement quickly betrayed her feline nature. While she was indeed a very pretty girl, there was no mistaking very deliberate, predatory motions of the feline within. Where she was very human-like for a cat, she was very cat-like for a human.

And she was quiet. Unlike my crackling joints, her footsteps betrayed none of her presence as she got used to the bipedal form. No pops, cracks, thumping footfalls, nada. Even a sharp turn when Noike had called Ayeka was so quiet that Ryo-Ohki, in 'cabbit' form, didn't even twitch an ear at it.

Noike had called Ayeka because she had forgotten something on her previous shopping run that she needed for lunch, but didn't want to waste more gas on the drive just for that. Gas has never been cheap in Japan.

Instead she asked Ayeka if she wouldn't mind taking a walk to pick the ingredients she needed up.

Ayeka had agreed, commenting on a pleasant stroll before the day warmed up too much. Then Luna had jumped in, suggesting that it would be the perfect exercise I needed.

I agreed, because she was right, but I was all too aware of just how eager her voice had been with the suggestion.

Do not mistake Luna the cat for 'just a talking kitty'. Once she was the advisor to a queen. She wasn't royalty, but she was nobility. And Nobility knows how to hobnob.

As I had described, switching the Two-X strength enhancement on felt weird. And at first, it made walking awkward. Luna was lucky. Her body was magically programmed and ready to go. She didn't have to do much more than get used to the sensation with little more effort than it took to do warm up stretches.

That wasn't the best part though. What really got me was while we were walking along part of the road that had a guardrail running along our side with a shallow ditch beyond.

Luna had hopped up and started walking along it.

And I don't mean carefully balancing... I mean WALKING. She was so busy just chatting it up with Ayeka that she didn't even seem to realize she wasn't even on a flat surface. Look at guard rails some time. They're 'W' shaped metal sheets turned sideways.

I doubt she even realized she'd done it.

In comparison, my bumbling antics were downright comic relief territory. I was well aware of how I had been so easily relegated to the position of sideshow act. Musing as I had been about what conventions were going on, and how, I couldn't miss it. I was in the company of the refined princess, and the elegant catgirl, and here I was, trying not to trip over my own two feet, while trying to more or less lurk on the outer edges of a rolling conversation between two of more noble blood.

I wasn't bitter, but rather kind of self-amused at the absurdity of the situation in all its simplicity.

Ayeka seemed to enjoy the company of the Felis Sapien quite a bit too. I suppose that while everyone here was dear to her (Yes, even Ryoko. I told you, they bicker like SISTERS.), there was nobody around that had her sense of refinement.

Luna was the perfect stopgap measure for that.

Which overall, was a good thing. It kept Ayeka rather pleasant while I fumbled around like an idiot. Though, after the first mile, I started to get a feel for walking.

"I think I got it," I piped up, catching their attention.

"Really?" Luna turned to face me, walking sideways with jealousy fit-inducing ease.

I was waddling along the way I would on a slick surface, but with a bit more bounce than normal, but I was in control. Now I just needed to normalize my gate.

"I'm not so sure you have it as well as you think you do," Luna commented after a moment. "You're still twitchy."

"Where?" I asked, trying to give myself the once over. "You sure?"

"Just demonstrate by example," Ayeka commented, stepping in front of me. Then without warning, she stopped.

It was plenty of distance for me to stop as well. But that was under normal, ideal conditions. I managed to plant my leading foot firmly the way I would normally stop in such a case, but found that instead of coming to an abrupt halt, I bounced, stumbled over the planted foot, and pitched right into the princess.

"Grah! Fuc-"

Ayeka simply sidestepped my collapse as I tumbled to the ground, trying desperately to get my feet under me before finally just tipping completely over and rolling until I was on my back. At least I didn't scrape myself up thanks to the suit.

"God dammit!" I swore reflexively in English. "Now I know what physical therapy is like!"

"You over-compensated," Luna snickered as she bent over me.

"Laugh it up fuzz ball," I continued to grumble in English, completely oblivious to the fact that I had fallen out of the local language. It only bought my some looks of confusion amidst a rapidly expanding fit of giggles from the catgirl. It was contagious though, as soon Ayeka was laughing through her hand. And after a minute, even I couldn't help chuckling.

I look like an idiot.

"Stand up," the princess instructed after a moment. "We're wasting time."

"It's not like we have anything better to do today," I responded, rolling over and carefully working my way to my feet. I say working because just the act of standing up wasn't so easily accomplished. It felt like I was trying to get on my feet, while standing on a fence post trying to keep my balance. It was very tempting to shut the suit off for a moment, but I knew that would just make it harder for me to adjust later.

"I would still like to be able to have lunch prepared on time," Ayeka chided me. "If you can't keep up, we'll just leave you here and get you on the way back."

"So hurry up," Luna agreed. Great, I'm getting double-teamed. I swear. Luna gets a human body, and suddenly she thinks she can be as bossy as Ayeka.

Then again, Luna was always bossy to Usagi. She just couldn't do anything about it before.

"I'm hurrying," I complied, managing to get my balance. "This is just... Not as easy as it looks."

"Save the excuses," Ayeka continued to chide. "It's only two times your physical strength."

"Unless you'd like me to start comparing you to lazybones again," Luna giggled. Oh, she knew where to poke. Once you knew what buttons to push...

But I knew it was more a poke of fun than serious.

"Okay I'm going to try something a bit different," I commented.

And I immediately started off again, but sideways. What I needed, was to get used to sudden adjustments. So I walked sideways one direction for a few steps, then switched around, trying not to stumble. Every few rotations, I switched around to walk backwards, checking over my shoulder to make sure I didn't make any more of a fool of myself by walking right into the ditch.

"That gives me an idea," Luna commented as they caught up with me a moment later. She then turned and whispered something into Ayeka's ear. I didn't hear it, and I only saw them because I was turned sideways. But Ayeka turned her head and gave an approving nod.

Okay, what were they planning?

I found out soon enough. Ayeka decided to step towards me, forcing me to stumble away from her if I wanted to avoid getting knocked over.

Then, just when I recovered from almost falling on my ass, Luna likewise sent me stumbling by walking across my path.

"What are- Oh... I get it," I smirked as it dawned on me what was going on. "Good idea."

We continued on down the road like this for quite some ways. I'd wander along the side of the road, forwards, backwards, and sideways. And every once in a while, one of the two would deliberately get in my way. Then I had a choice. Either crash into them, stumble and fall, or get out of the way.

It turned into a kind of game after a while.

Yeah, I can be easily amused at times. But I was improving, slowly. Over the remaining course of the walk I only fell over another half a dozen times. After that, I started to improve rather quickly as my body started to get a feel for its newfound 'strength'.

The entire walk was about forty-five minutes. It was no further than the distance you'd normally drive to the nearest grocery store. But the difference between a five-minute drive, and a forty-five minute walk just doesn't jump out at you until you actually compare it.

Now, I've walked this kind of distance plenty of times, so I was familiar with it. My measurements weren't exact, but it was somewhere between one and a half to two miles.

Give or take.

"Yamada Grocers," Luna had commented idly when we arrived. I instantly started laughing, causing the two women to stare at me.

"What's so funny?" Ayeka asked.

"Nothing you'd get," I managed to chuckle. "Just some outside context humor."

"If you're referring to Seina," the princess smirked. "I believe I get it perfectly."

That made me stop as I turned to her, puzzled.

"How'd you know what I meant?" I asked.

"You think Washu didn't explain what was going on to us?" Ayeka cocked her head to the side with a slight smirk. "After what happened a few days back when you called us about that monster... Washu pretty much had to tell us. I know about how you know, what you know."

The princess then turned away, heading for the entrance to the store.

"Or do you really think I would just divulge what I did this morning to anyone?" She continued as she walked away. "I'll be out in a few minutes. Stay put."

There was a pause before Luna turned to me to ask a question.

"What did she tell you?" the feline-turn-human asked.

"I'm..." I began. "I think she meant when she explained why she was so angry this morning."

"That doesn't make sense," Luna shook her head. "Why would she not tell anyone else why she was angry?"

"It was personal," I answered.

Luna crossed her arms, looking as confused as I had been.

"Why would she tell you anything personal?" she asked after a moment. "Especially if she barely knows you."

"I think," I pondered aloud. "And this is just what I think. I think it's because she knows I already know everything about her. Secrets and all."

I looked at the feline wryly. Then with only a mild jerk whipped out the water bottle I had stashed in a pocket and started downing it. After a moment, I came up for air to finish.

"And I'm willing to bet you," I continued. "That she was warning me to be on my best behavior."

I worked to finish my water while Luna pondered that.

"What for?" she asked at length.

"Dunno..." I shrugged. "I know her personality and history backwards and forwards, but that doesn't make me a mind reader."

Leaving off with that, I continued to think about how I didn't know what Ayeka was actually thinking. And it reminded me that indeed, while I knew characters quite well based on observation, I didn't know everything there was to know. Not perfectly...

Luna was a prime example.

While wracking my brains out for details reminded me that I had known about her human form in the back of my mind. The significance it held was little more than cosmetic, with maybe a thought of how useful having the two forms would be.

The real component here was not the big differences. It was the subtleties that didn't come across looking at an animated drawing. That feline grace I'd noticed. Her refined skills around nobility, not to mention the intelligence she had. It was more than a cute face and a mane of violet hair. It was a character who had subtle physical and psychological attributes to match exactly what she was. A cat girl, with noble upbringing...

I was willing to bet as I mused, that on top of her feline grace, high IQ, and social skills. Luna probably had razor sharp fingernails, and could bench-press a linebacker. At least, in her current form. I'm not sure how much of her 'human' form was really human, and how much of it was humanized 'cat'. Her pupils were round in both forms, but she seemed to see in the dark just fine. So if she retained a lot of 'cat' in her human form, what appeared to be just regular sized muscles for a human could actually be holding several times the muscle density. Which would easily put her in the star athlete category.

Looks can be deceiving.

Of course, sometimes, looks are everything. And I'll admit... Luna had them, in human form anyway.

While we waited for Ayeka to hunt down and purchase whatever ingredient Noike had forgotten, Luna began to attract the attention of some of the young men that came by the store.

It was what I'd like to think of as the typical mooks for a romantic series. A trio of guys who were about as discrete about noticing and making an approach to Luna as nails on a chalkboard was considered pleasant. Complete with overeager and absurdly inane attempts at pickup lines that made their intent rather transparent even to a four-year-old.

These mooks were a dime a dozen. Any female with any semblance of intelligence would catch on in no time flat and turn them down without forethought. In fact, that's probably why these guys seem so rampant. All the upstanding guys have girlfriends, leaving the bottom feeders to pester everyone else.

Still, it wasn't all that serious. As far as mooks go, they were rather pathetic excuses not even worthy of thug status. Their faces were forgettable. Hell, I bet even if I learned their names, I'd be asking who they were within' a week.

So I let them hit on Luna. I figure watching how she reacted to the attention would be telling. Or funny...

Or both...

Almost instantly I spotted it. Luna visibly scrunched up ever so slightly at the unwanted attention, her noble demeanor drying up as she became flustered with their attentions. It was a far cry from her usual, bossy self. I guess that being a cat most of the time doesn't allow for very much in the way of dealing with the advances of typical guys. It was kind of cute, and funny at the same time.

Still, they were starting to make Luna seriously uncomfortable as she started to back away a step, giving me a sidelong glance as if wondering if I had suddenly dropped off the face of the Earth. (Which, given my track record, isn't too far fetched.)

The trio, sensing weakness, merely closed in. One suggested lunch, while another complimented her hair for the umpteenth time. The third was making rather ludicrous attempts to look charming, flashing his well-brushed teeth.

At least they were hygienic mooks.

Every time he did however, Luna cringed, ever so slightly. If I remember my basic cat body language, that was more a threat to her than a sign of charm. If they weren't careful, I might actually get to see how strong Luna really is if she accidentally lashes out at them. Maybe I'd better stop this.

"Okay," I began, stepping forward. "Break it up. Break it up... All you're doing is scaring her. Back off."

They seemed to regard me as if noticing I existed for the first time. The 'leader' seemed to give me the once over before he spoke.

"You don't want to hang out with this chubby loser do you?" he asked Luna.

"We'll get rid of him for you if you want," another commented, trying to play the hero role. There was a subtle warning of conflict beneath the statement that I couldn't help but catch.

"I don't think she's interested," I continued, casually lacing my hands across each other in such a way that I was holding the dial on my 'watch'. To them, it looked like I was just clasping my hands in front of me. It was three on one. If this turns into a fight, I'll get creamed, even at two times my normal strength. With just two clicks, I would be strong enough to flatten one of them with a mere slap. I wasn't supposed to, I knew it. But I figure a nice example right from the get go on one of them would get the others to back off.

After all, it's not every day the chubby guy packs the strength of eight men.

The three seemed to be taking their cues from Luna though, each eyeing her for a moment then giving me suspicious glances. So they thought themselves the heroes of this situation. Or at least, were trying to make it look like they were the heroes, if only to impress the girl. Lovely... A Mexican Standoff... First one to blink loses. I really hope this doesn't turn into a fight. If I seriously hurt one of these guys on accident, I'll never hear the end of it from Washu. Not to mention Ayeka will probably take it upon herself to be my personal jailer.

Joy...

Speaking of Ayeka, the doors to the store suddenly parted, depositing the princess, a sack of groceries in one hand, right into our midst.

She took just a quick glance at the group as we all noted her arrival, then smiled sweetly before asking.

"Good morning you three. Is something wrong?"

For just a moment, nothing happened, then the three seemed to turn up the charm factor up to eleven and smiled back.

"Good morning Miss Masaki," one of them beamed. "We were just making sure this young lady was okay. This guy seemed suspicious."

"It's okay," the princess returned the charm. "They're with me, so there's nothing wrong."

"Oh," one of them commented, failing to mask the disappointment in his voice. But immediately covered it up with a follow up. "Do you need help with anything?"

"No," Ayeka responded. "We're good, and I'm in a little bit of a hurry, so I don't really have time right now, okay?"

"Okay," one of them nodded as if graced by heaven itself. "We'll see you around then!"

Ayeka watched them go, giving them a pleasant smile and a wave until they vanished around the corner, heading on to whatever they were originally planning for the day. As soon as they were out of sight, the smile faded to a more non-plussed look.

"So what happened?" she asked.

I shrugged. "Teen hormones. Pretty girl."

Then I noticed that during Ayeka's exchange, Luna had quietly moved around to place me between herself and the trio. She looked just a touch anxious.

"Do the math- Not used to the attention," I continued. "Are you Luna?"

Luna mutely shook her head.

"They're not all that bad," Ayeka continued. "A little bone-headed, but I've seen worse."

"Seryio Tenan?" I asked with a cocky smirk.

"Seryio Tenan." Ayeka confirmed with a suppressed laugh.

"Who's that?" Luna asked.

"A large ham," I began. "Ego the size of a galaxy, and bubble gum pink hair. A bit of an elitist if I ever saw one. I just think of him as 'cotton candy for brains' and leave it at that."

Ayeka laughed. Full outright laughing, almost forgetting herself in the process.

"Cotton candy for brains," she smirked after collecting herself. "I would never have thought that one up."

Then she gave me the most surprising smile.

"Anyone who can come up with a description for Tenan like that is okay in my book."

"Well yeah," I shrugged in response, quietly happy that I was officially on the 'good list'. "The guy's two can's short of a six pack."

"Surely he can't be all that bad," Luna commented as we started our way back towards the house.

"Hey," I began to Ayeka. "You mind if I tell her about the duel?"

Ayeka paused, glancing at me with a most curious look. I guess knowing about my source of knowledge, and seeing me put it into effect were two completely different animals.

"Sure, go right ahead," she finished after a moment.

"Okay," I grinned.

So I explained the duel between Tenchi and Seryio. Or rather: The humiliation of the pink-haired fop. Ayeka eyed me silently as I verbally reconstructed what had happened, from the moment Misaki arrived, all the way through who was betting on whom. For me, it was a run down of episode thirteen of the Tenchi OVA. The funny thing, was the slow but steady failure of the princess to hide her disbelief as I explained what was going on, not only in lucid detail, which Luna already understood... But the fact that I was describing what was going simultaneously in multiple places. The only thing I left out was Yosho's disguise.

After about thirty minutes of this, I reached the duel itself.

"And you know what happened?" I asked with a smirk.

"What happened?" Luna asked, her attention fixed on me in rapt fascination.

"Mihoshi happened," I chuckled. "She lands Yukinojo in the lake at something like mach two. And the next thing anyone knows, Tenchi's still standing there soaked, and Seryio's vanished, only to be found floating on his back in the water, out cold."

"All that boasting and he's taken out by water?" Luna started to laugh. "He really is sad..."

"No kidding," I turned from Luna to Ayeka.

'Pop! Pop!'

"Speaking of Mihoshi," I stopped at the sound of two gunshots overhead. "I think she's back."

"What makes you say that?" the princess asked.

"Oh come on," I began. "You mean to tell me you never notice the sonic booms?"

"I never pay attention to it," she shrugged.

"It's the only thing that sounds like that for hundreds of miles," I shook my head. "And you don't pay attention to it?"

"I heard that sound all the time on Jurai," she shrugged.

'Pop! ... Pop!'

"Second pass," I commented, looking around as I noted the increased gap between the leading and trailing booms. "She's slowing down fast."

"Sharp turns too," Ayeka furrowed her brow. "If her passes are that close together..."

"There!" I snapped after a moment, pointing to a cloud in the sky. The two followed my gaze to a light cumulus that suddenly gained a rather obvious hole in it. There was no ship in sight, but I knew Yukinojo had just gone through it.

"Is she going to crash?" Luna asked with a bit of worry.

"Nah," I waved it away. "She just lands, really, REALLY hard. Just like with Seryio's duel."

"She does that every day?" she asked me incredulously. I looked at Ayeka. Ayeka looked at me. We both turned to Luna.

"Yes," we said in unison.

'Thump-WHUMP!'

This time there was the slightest hint of tremor in the ground.

"Touchdown," I indicated.

 


	4. Foolproof

* * *

  **Chapter four: Foolproof**

_"Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference."_

_\- Author unknown, attributed to Mark Twain_

* * *

 

"I do not understand," Senbei began. "It defies everything I know."

The pint-sized demon-god sat on an upside down plastic cup, wrapped in a dry dishtowel with his feet dangling into a teacup full of hot water. You'd swear he was sick.

I'll admit it wasn't the most peculiar sight I've seen in the last seventy-two hours, but it was on the list of oddities I'd attribute to watching on Saturday morning cartoons. Then again, given events as of late, who am I to call that odd?

The poor (I laugh internally at that terrible pun) demon had returned with Mihoshi from her brief trip out to her main ship to send a report. And it looked like my prediction had come true.

Nobody escapes Mihoshi unscathed.

"Her power," Senbei continued to half-babble. "It's like she has none, but at the same time she amasses so much wealth that just being near it makes me drunk with pleasure. But then, it's like some kind of abomination..."

"Mihoshi has a bit of a thing going for her as far as luck goes," I commented idly as I assisted Noike with lunch preparations. Mihoshi of course, was nowhere in sight. She'd been banned from the kitchen during food prep times unless it was potato peeling. "I did warn you ahead of time about it-"

"You don't understand!" Senbei snapped back. His arrogance and flamboyance were completely gone. "She does not obey any kind of conservation principal. I could feel it during the pursuit. She amassed so much wealth, but yet I felt no transfer of luck between her or anything else!"

Ah yes... On their little trip, Mihoshi got a little sidetracked with some out of the way pirates doing a scouting mission. Somehow, as is par for the GP officer, she managed to not only engage and successfully arrest them. She did it in her shuttle, while they had a battleship. Senbei had been witness to the entire thing. And according to him, they retained all their original luck. They had to. In order to survive when their reactor went critical and the ship exploded... There were no fatalities.

Comparatively, the only thing that went wrong for Mihoshi was loss of the automatic targeting subroutine. When Senbei had volunteered to help Yukinojo fix it thanks to being able to fit into the compartment where the wiring was, he had bumped into one of the cabin airlocks when Mihoshi had pulled an unexpected high G turn. What ever passes for inertial compensation hadn't functioned quite as advertised. And he promptly got spaced.

Luckily, demon-gods are not really affected by explosive decompression and exposure to hard vacuum the way a human would be. Aside from a catching a cold from the ultra-sub-zero temperature of space, something I find strange because catching a cold due to temperature is a myth, Senbei was otherwise unharmed.

Apparently, the venting of atmosphere from that airlock caused a slight shift in Yukinojo's maneuver that had allowed Mihoshi to dodge a blast that would have vaporized the hull, return fire with a random potshot, and cause the pirate ship's reactor to go critical.

"You sure she wasn't just absorbing your fortune?" I asked.

"No," Senbei shook his head. "I felt the flow; sensed the probabilities... She violates the law of the conservation of happiness!"

Among about a dozen laws of physics, but I knew that already.

"You do realize that doesn't necessarily apply here right?" I began. "We're in an entirely separate universe independent of the functions of Yggdrasil and Nidhogg."

"It doesn't matter," the demon responded. "I thought about it, but wealth in these situations is predetermined through initial conditions. While it is acceptable that her happiness can inflate over time, and in this universe, to generate it by her own means, it is an amount that is predetermined over a long period of time. It should not appear so suddenly, in such quantities, out of nowhere. It was overwhelming."

"Try not to think about it too much then," I advised as I turned to fish something out of the fridge. I never realized how big it was. "Sometimes it's just not worth the effort..."

But I was curious. Senbei had gotten a better 'reading' on Mihoshi than anyone else here, perhaps even Washu, simply because he specialized in luck and probability. It was tempting. The blond GP officer was Washu's descendant (having a twenty thousand year old mortal form can do that you know), and given how things worked. She could very well be a demigod.

But then again, it depends on what version of Mihoshi you subscribe to. You have the 'dumb blond airhead' Mihoshi, who gets around on sheer luck. You have the, idiot savant version of Mihoshi... In which she doesn't realize it actively, but every move is an instinctual action of sub-conscious super-intelligence. And then there's the Chessmaster Mihoshi. In which the idiot routine is all an act. And she's laughing at us on the inside. The ultimate fool act...

Given recent events, and my own observation. I think I'd want to say 'None of the Above'. Or, more accurately, 'All of the Above'. Senbei detected her burst of sheer good luck, I've seen through her landing routine, and when push comes to shove, Mihoshi's dangerously perceptive. The 'Lovey Dovey Plan', goofy as it was, was her idea after all. And it worked...

I mean, family history considered, the only 'airheads' in her family seem to be her, and her mother. Her brother's a bit of a single-track mind, but competent, and so is her grandfather. Her grandmother, Mikami, is brilliant in terms of political ability and hobnobs with Seto. And then there was Kagato's comment that Mihoshi was a massively competent officer until something happened resulting in the collapse of her performance...

Dammit! No! Stop it! Now is NOT the time to be trying to figure out what makes Mihoshi tick.

But at the same time, it IS intriguing. I might be able to figure something out about Mihoshi that nobody else here can.

No! Mihoshi's like a living Murphy's Law backed by the conventions of gag humor! Any attempt to figure her out WILL result in failure, humiliating, painful failure. That is the only constant around her.

But then, I don't adhere to the same rule set she does... Maybe I CAN work around to figuring her out.

God DAMMIT! I can't decide. This is going to drive me nuts all day... My gut instinct is telling me to avoid her like the plague, but that part of my brain that likes to solve problems is screaming its thirst for intrigue!

When in doubt, procrastinate.

What CAN I do? Easy... Lunch first, then everything else.

Lunch was about as exciting as any other meal I had come to expect around here from my previous experiences. Though, now that people were more familiar with my face, I didn't quite feel like such the pest.

I'll spare the boring details, but once again, Washu was absent (along with Ryoko), and so was Tenchi. When exactly did he more or less turn into a farmer? Does he spend all day, EVERY DAY at that field?

Since there were three empty spots, they were easily filled by Luna, Senbei, and myself. 'Nuff said...

Curiously enough, I found myself pretty much orchestrated into a place along side princess Ayeka. It seemed innocent enough. At first...

It wasn't before long that I found that the princess had an ulterior motive in the arrangement. If it weren't so annoying, it would be amusing. But I had soon found myself being coached on the finer points of Japanese table manners and royal etiquette...

Kill me, please.

Okay, so it wasn't really all that bad. The princess only scolded me once, for failing to adhere to what in my opinion was an overly rigid posture at the table, after the first time she told me. In simple terms, I slouch. I put my elbows on the table... You know... All those absurd table manners that serve no other purpose except to make you look classy and dignified... It's a good thing Juraian Etiquette was Japanese... Because I'd really hate to try and remember my soupspoon from my teaspoon, from my regular fork, and my salad fork... Along with the locations of said utensils amidst half a dozen other utensils containing oh so many different knives, at least two bowls, and possibly three plates...

Oh, and a cup, or two, or three.

I hate formal meals. Can you guess why?

Still, once Ayeka scolded me, I started listening right quick. I'm on her good side; I plan to STAY on her good side. Plus I don't like getting yelled at... It pisses me off, which makes me get confrontational. And in a pissing contest between a princess who can sink an aircraft carrier and myself... Rule One!

On the plus side, when I did something right, it was nice to hear her coo praise my way. Though, you had to kind of bury the hidden connotations comparing me to a Neanderthal in terms of how civilized I was. Good thing I don't care. Though if you ask me, if Ryoko were actually at the table at the moment, this would have escalated into a firefight nigh instantly. Even with Noike present.

For all the admitably enjoyable attention though, I couldn't help but wonder why exactly Ayeka had suddenly taken such interest in my etiquette. Especially with the goofball grin coming from Sasami, parked right next to Luna, who seemed equally curious to the whole thing.

It was Noike who finally voiced my unspoken question after Ayeka had pretty much handicapped my ability to move, with a posture correction that left me trying to avoid having my hamstrings lock up. (Seiza position... God, my knees can't take this!)

"Ayeka," she began. "Why are you doing that? Can't you see he's uncomfortable?"

Yes, very much so. I can't even sit all the way on my heals. Do something house boss!

"Because." The princess replied. "If this whole business about teleporting into my bed is going to become a regular thing, I am going to make sure that he's well trained and the perfect gentleman."

What am I, a lap dog all of a sudden?

"Why would you want him so well trained?" Luna asked.

"Because when rumor starts getting around- AND IT WILL." Ayeka shot a glare at Mihoshi, who didn't seem to notice. "I don't want those rumors to say I'm sleeping with some uneducated barbarian. At the very least, if my image is going to suffer that kind of damage, I might as well make sure it looks like I have STANDARDS."

Oh dear... I'm being groomed.

"Does that not seem like a reasonable solution?" she asked. "After all, your future may well depend on that image."

And then Ayeka turned the female charm up to eleven with a smile that could have melted Old Man Winter's heart. Even I was not immune to siren song that told me to nod my head in agreement when she was making that face.

Great...

She's going to make an ornament out of me. No worse, the analogue would be a prize horse. I'm going to be conditioned into being the perfect specimen, and paraded around like a Budweiser Clydesdale so that the princess may save face a little should the galactic paparazzi catch on. Brilliant plan! It's right up there with my 'Operation: Make Urd cry Mommy!' in terms of sheer absurdity. Why me?

"Well," Luna began. "I suppose that makes sense. Plus it'll be good for him. A little bit of extra class never hurt anyone."

Don't encourage her Luna! The last thing I need is for Ayeka to-

Oh... Fuck.

My leg just cramped up.

"Ergh..." I gritted my teeth, starting to tip over, but managing to hold myself upright with the table. It was all I could do not to yelp as my calf did its best impression of a pretzel

"I think he's had enough," Noike shook her head. As she did that, I managed to pull myself away from the table and haul myself to a standing position.

"Walk it off," I gasped in English as I limped around in circles. "Walk it off..."

"Come on," the princess shook her head. "That was barely two minutes."

"He'll have to work on his Endurance," Luna commented conspiratorially as I tried to relax my twitching leg.

"Maybe," Ayeka replied as flopped down on the floor to massage the offending muscle. "Are you okay?"

I was breathing hard, obviously in pain at this point, my foot visibly jumping as my calf continued to twitch.

"I'll be fine in a minute," I managed to gasp out. "Though if we could avoid the Seiza from now on, my legs will thank you tremendously."

"That position does cut off circulation," Noike commented idly from her spot. "That can exaggerate chronic cramping in some people. Maybe it would be best to avoid that."

The princess seemed to mull on that for a second before nodding in agreement. Thank you god! I don't know if I could survive that for very long...

"Anyway," Ayeka continued, motioning for me to return to the table. "Get over here and finish eating. After that, you are to go take a bath. It's been a day since you came back, and I will not have you working up a smell in this house."

I had to stop and stare at the princess non-plussed for a second. There's only so far I could be pushed around. And having just worked off a rather painful cramp, I wasn't so complacent to be ordered around as I had been minutes before.

"Okay," I began just short of scathing. "I'm not four years old... So let's not be absurd."

And I left it at that. The princess did back off a little, but she still drilled me in the use of chopsticks. As I mentioned, I'm not much good with them. I can use them but that's for the occasional Chinese takeout.

Of course, as it would hold, Ayeka, just like Luna, was right.

It was the princess' turn to take Tenchi his lunch out in the field today, which helped save me SOME face. But face it, when you're right, you're right. And Ayeka, even if she had been starting to treat me like a child (I'm older than her if you ignore her seven hundred years in stasis) was still right.

I needed a bath.

So guess what I found myself doing?

It wasn't that simple though. My first, and biggest worry was of course, making doubly sure that I was in no way going to be the butt end of a perverted joke. Given that Mihoshi was here, there was no way to be sure, but I didn't feel like taking any chances.

Upon entering that floating onsen bathhouse, which involved teleportation. (I have a new way to describe nausea now.) I checked, double-checked, and triple checked for any occupants. Not only that, but I made sure to tie an empty soda can I'd fished from the trash to the door. That way, if anyone did enter, I had enough warning that I could inform the trespasser that it was occupied.

Once I was certain the perimeter was secure, there was just the suit to deal with.

According to the manual, it's designed to be impossible to remove by force, as the nerve connections would make it feel like I was being skinned alive. That wouldn't be pleasant. However, it WAS designed to be removed. You just had to know how.

The instructions were simple enough. First, shut strength enhancement off. I'd had it running on two times my normal strength all morning and I'd almost forgotten it was on. Returning to normal strength was interesting. Everything suddenly felt heavy, like I was slogging through water.

The next instruction was to terminate the nerve connections. This could be done by pressing the button in the eleven-O-clock position marked 'safe'. (A note in the instructions pointed out that the button was labeled this way so that nobody would realize that it was what allowed the suit to be removed.)

Upon pressing the button, I was greeted by a brief jolt, this one more like a flash of heat or being cut with a knife. Unsettling, but it was only momentary, and replaced by numbness. According to the manual, a sensation like this would be normal, and feeling would return in a few minutes.

Next, reach to the back of the neck, and pull at the overlapping flap is if removing Velcro. Use the suit's form fitting button if there's any problems.

Almost immediately, the suit started to come loose.

Once it did, it was trivial to slip out of the material.

Oh the funk... With no place to go, the stink I had already been building up stayed right where it started.

Cleaning instructions on that thing were simple: Soak it in soapy water, and air dry.

This I did. And then I took care of my own hygiene. The nice thing about the floating onsen was that Ryoko designed it. Ryoko, having turned from feared interstellar pirate into a lazy bum, had one very clear redeeming trait.

She knew what she liked. And she knew how to get it.

Hot running water was unlimited, the bath was large, and the place was private. When in doubt, ask the lazy person. You'd be surprised what they know that others don't.

Thinking about it, this was the first real alone time I had gotten to relax. I figure a good hour just soaking would help make everything I've been through worth it. No psychotic girls, no half-pint demon gods, no transforming talking cats... Just me, sore muscles, and hot water.

Maybe this will help my arm, I can't even crossover without it pulling now.

Unfortunately, as I was kind of half expecting, this scenario would be short lived. I didn't know when, or how, but I knew I'd be disturbed despite my precautions. At the very least, I was glad it waited until I was more or less finished and relaxed.

"Interesting..."

The sound of somebody talking not ten feet away had made me instinctively it up and reach for a towel. I knew this would happen! I knew it. I knew it... I took too long, now I'm going to get caught in a gag I can't avoid!

That's when the face suddenly dropped down in front of me.

"Don't mind me!" she stated with a smirk. "I just came to see the specimen that had Washu-Nee-Sama all worked up this time."

Er... That's-

"Tokimi?" I blinked.

There was no mistaking the absurdly cute way in which the two-foot-nothing physical manifestation of the youngest Choushin beamed at my comment.

"Oh! Nee-Sama was right... You DO know who we are."

With that, she floated back and righted herself, crossing her arms.

"The young traveler who defies reality, sees our reality as a world of fiction, but yet has no power himself. Fascinating." She continued.

I tried to relax, but I wasn't exactly decent. And here was 'Mini' Tokimi trying to hold a conversation with me as if it were nothing at all to bust in on someone taking a bath.

"Why are you here?" I snapped defensively.

"I'm here to investigate you," she smirked, tilting her head to the side disarmingly.

"No," I continued. "Why are you-" I motioned around me. "HERE? Of all the times to come gawk at the side-show act, you decided to pick when I was taking a bath."

"Oh that's easy silly," Tokimi replied, waving her hand. "This was the first time you've been alone long enough for me to do so. I didn't feel like dealing with the others, they have a bad attitude."

So she intentionally wanted to catch me alone. Convenient...

"Plus," Tokimi held up a finger with a wink. "I've been studying the behavior of human males. It's far easier to keep you in one place when you're concerned about your modesty."

If ever anything could confirm that Tokimi was indeed the sister of Washu, it was that single, twistedly perverse logic she had presented me with. She had intentionally cornered me in the bath BECAUSE she knew I wouldn't be so inclined to jump and bolt.

"Exactly!" Tokimi nodded.

Mind readers...

"Tell me," the mini-goddess continued. "What's your take on all this?"

"All what?" I asked.

"This..." Tokimi waved around. "Your reality hopping. Visiting worlds of what previously to you had been mere entertainment. Interacting with people who were simply figments of your imagination. Your reactions are fascinating to watch. As I've never thought to try mixing realities like that before."

"My take?" I asked.

Tokimi bobbed her head in a nod that was too cute for words to convey.

"In a word," I began, then sighed. "Tiring."

"Oh?" the half-pint manifestation tilted her head. "How's so?"

"Well," I began. "Sleep deprivation to the point of passing out makes a good start. Then there's the terror, the physical abuse my body's been taking. The awkwardness of most of the situations, half a dozen hare-brained gambles just to keep from getting killed violently... Do you remember what happened with Z?"

Tokimi blinked. "That timeline has been nullified. Amazing your world's fiction would have it."

"Still," I continued. "Do understand what was wrong with him?"

"He was unstable," Tokimi commented, looking a bit down trodden. "By human standards, he might have classified as insane. It was a pity the way everything turned out."

"Oh he was sane," I chuckled. "In fact, I think I know exactly what was going through his mind all the way up until he tried to off Tenchi."

"Oh?" Tokimi suddenly perked up and gave me her full attention. "Your fiction was showing what was going through his mind?"

"No," I shook my head. "I know what was going through his mind because it's the same damn thing that's going through mine right now."

Tokimi floated back confused.

"That when I find out who or what is playing puppet-master with my life, damn the consequences... I'm going to punch it in the face."

"What purpose would that serve you?" Tokimi asked. "You could not physically hurt something capable of transporting you across higher dimensionality like that. Just like Z could never hope to cause me harm in such a manner."

Obviously Tokimi still doesn't grasp how completely illogical humans can be when worked up. For a nigh omnipotent being, she's sure naive. But then again, out of the three, she had next to no interaction with 'mortals' beyond appearing, giving orders, and fading away. Phenomenal cosmic powers, and hyper-genius intellect with the emotional maturity and understanding of a five-year-old. It's a far cry from the likes of Hild.

"Did it ever occur to you, even as you restored Z's timeline, that killing Tenchi was your punch in the face?" I asked.

"What do you mean?" Tokimi asked. It was obvious I had a perspective she'd never considered.

"Okay," I leaned against the side of the bath, raising out of the water a bit as not to overheat. "Look at it this way. Z was upset at losing his family over your little experiment."

"I couldn't restore everything without stripping his abilities," Tokimi commented. "And he was too valuable to revert to his original state."

"Invenerial," I cut her off. "As far as he was concerned. You fucked up his life, he was going to return the favor..."

"But he couldn't harm me," Tokimi admonished. "So such thoughts are illogical."

"Humans don't act logically," I replied. "We'll go down in flames if only to give one last 'FUCK YOU' to the universe. Z knew he couldn't hurt you physically, but he COULD hit you where it counts. He had the power, and the drive, to throw a wrench into the entire Choushin experiment. His ultimatum to you during the fight made it clear. Either you put him down yourself, or he kills Tenchi. One way or another, no matter what happened to Z, Kobayashi-Maru. He may not win, but you still lose."

Me and my geek phrases...

"Insightful," Tokimi seemed to gaze through me for a minute while she thought about it. "He ceased to care for his own existence but was determined to 'punch me in the face' as you put it."

Then she perked up again.

"That is a most interesting reaction!" Tokimi chirped. "It's like the jealousy I was observing a few months ago. You are indeed a most interesting specimen. Tell me, what then was the point of the counter-actor in your eyes?"

"Insurance," I shrugged. "And right up until he hit Tenchi, his plan was perfect. It's just that Tenchi didn't up and die like he was 'supposed' to."

"Hmmm..." the pint-sized goddess mulled some more. Once again, radiating cuteness. You know, I'm starting to think that the Great Old Ones, Eldrich Abominations, and Things that Shall Not Be Named are not some inhuman physical manifestation of rip and tear and tentacles and whatnot... But that they're so cute that the human mind just can't handle contemplating something that powerful to be so pleasant to look at. That the universe is a place filled, not with cosmic horrors, but sickening cuteness so disgustingly sugar-coated that we covered it up with blood and guts and tentacles just to keep from having epileptic seizures.

"So," Tokimi continued after a moment. "You're telling me that you're like Z right now?"

"Not quite," I shook my head. "I'll settle for getting a nice violent punch in."

"But it won't be effective," Tokimi continued. "Punching whatever's doing this won't do anything to it."

"Oh, but it will make me feel SO MUCH BETTER," I all but cackled, then stopped and looked at Tokimi seriously.

"Just confirm something for me," I stated. "You're NOT responsible for any of this mess, am I right?"

Tokimi shook her head.

"No," she replied. "I only know of this situation because Nee-Sama asked me to help find your position."

"Good," I nodded curtly. "I didn't want to punch something so cute anyway."

"It's not like you'd get far before she punched right back," Washu's voice suddenly piped in.

"GOD DAMMIT!" I snapped, twirling around to duck down into the water again. "Does anyone have any respect for modesty or privacy around here?"

Washu smirked back from a position next to the door. My 'alarm' dismantled in her hand.

"Nothing I haven't seen already," she responded offhand. "Who do you think changed you out of your bloody clothes yesterday?"

"Nope, none at all." Tokimi's deceptively cute voice chirped behind me. "Hello Nee-Sama."

"Hey Tokimi," Washu nodded to her sister. "Come to check him out yourself I see. Did you find anything odd about him?"

"Nothing unusual about him at all," Tokimi shrugged. "Aside from his interlinking astral pattern, he's no more unusual than a stone. Which is interesting actually, because most humans in this world have more potential than that for the temporal mass given."

"The temporal mass is a byproduct of his knowledge," Washu pointed out. "With as much knowledge about key events as he has combined with our interest in him, it's not surprising he has so much temporal mass. I've also noticed that he's uncharacteristically perceptive, which only makes it higher."

"That could be a characteristic of his home universe," Tokimi commented. "Metaphysical balance between worlds usually favors mental ability where physical ability is weaker. If all his ability is mental, that would explain the unusually low potential."

"I've finished pulling the information collected on his world if you want to go investigate it," Washu replied. "Maybe getting some in-depth information on the properties of his world as a whole may shed some light on the subject."

"That sounds like fun!" Tokimi chirped. "I might find a few surprises while I'm there!"

"What exactly are you two going on about?" I asked.

"I was thinking about that whole 'conventions' thing you had explained to Luna," Washu replied. "She told me about it along with how you described worlds as 'gritty'. I believe you remember I said something about that this morning."

I nodded.

"So I was thinking about it," she continued. "And I realized that you were perceiving something that occurs beyond the physical level. Like the slapstick comedy routine. And I thought about how you reacted when I fixed Luna's transformation abilities, and the way you reacted hit me as unusual. It got me curious, so I came to find you and ask."

Then she looked me squarely in the eyes. I'd never seen Washu act quite like that.

"Were you perceiving one of those... Conventions?"

"Perverted comedy gag," I nodded. "Standard joke fare. Place two people in a sexual situation that should not have occurred, let exaggerated reactions take place, and laugh at the fireworks."

"And you reacted differently... Why?" Washu asked.

"Over reaction is the punchline," I commented. "If you don't over react, the joke falls flat."

"But it was still funny," Washu pointed out. "At least, I thought it was funny at the time."

"Luna still overreacted," I pointed out. "I merely avoided being the butt of the joke."

"Strange," Washu turned to Tokimi. "Have you ever noticed such patterns or... Conventions?"

"Never," the pint-sized manifestation shook her head. "Reviewing the previous event... The concept is almost completely at the quantum uncertainty level of causality. Without it being pointed out, I wouldn't even have noticed it occurring..."

Then Tokimi stopped, and started to laugh uncontrollably.

"What?" Washu asked. "What's so funny?"

"I'm tracing some of the causality going on in this room," Tokimi replied. "And there's a fifty-fifty chance that you'll have one of those events in approximately sixty seconds."

"What do you mean?" Washu asked. "I want to record this!"

"Oh, I don't want to spoil the joke," Tokimi grinned. "I bet he'll figure it out though... I'll see you later!"

And with a pop, Tokimi was gone.

"I wonder what she saw," Washu pondered aloud.

"Probably a failure of my anti-intrusion precautions," I sighed. Then looked at Washu. She was still holding my intruder alarm. "Like someone walking in on me because you went and disabled it..."

"This thing?" Washu looked at the soda can she was holding. "I thought it was trash."

"Then the gag's already in motion," I shook my head.

"What makes you so sure?" Washu asked.

"Because if you look at it like you're cutting scenes for animation," I replied. "In order to make it funny, you have to include the setup. The setup occurred when I set that up as an alarm."

"If you realize it's coming," Washu pointed out. "You should be able to avoid it."

"Too late," I shook my head. "Any attempt to circumvent it will result in twice the hilarity when the punchline hits."

"So you're just going to sit there and do nothing?" Washu asked.

"Murphy's law states that anything I can do will make it worse," I chided. "Including nothing."

"That's unusually pessimistic of you," Washu chided.

Maybe, but I had my suspicions. By mere process of elimination, I was almost certain there was nothing left here but to wait for it and then deal with damage control.

"Ryoko still in the lab?" I asked seemingly off hand.

"Yes," Washu nodded.

"Sasami?"

"TV."

"Noike?"

"Cleaning."

"Ayeka?"

"Field."

"Ryo-Ohki, Senbei, Luna."

"TV, TV, sleeping."

"Mihoshi's coming," I placed my hand on my face.

"You're kidding!" Washu blinked in shock, then turned towards the entrance. "Well, I know just how to take care of it! We'll turn the joke inside out and-"

"OVERREACTION," I snapped, seeing everything already falling into place. Any attempt to alter the situation makes it worse...

"Right!" Washu realized. "Over reaction is the pu-"

My eyes tracked her foot as she tried to stop. Oh, here it comes... Said foot landed square on a bar of soap that had slid away from my spot previously on its own slime trail.

Washu didn't go down right there, but instead slipped up and stumbled backward, tripping over a wash bucket I had left next to the water. Instinctively, she spun about intending to catch herself before she hit the ground. Trouble was that beyond the bucket, it was hot water, and I.

God I hate being right.

The water saved me from having the wind knocked out of my lungs, but Washu still landed square on top of me. She came up sputtering after a moment giving me a quick look of shock.

"Compromising position," I sighed. "Followed by,"

"Oh my..." Washu's gaze snapped to Mihoshi, standing there in a pink towel looking quite shocked.

"Hasty conclusion," I continued. "Whatever you do. Don't respond with-"

"It's not what it looks like," Washu snapped in a hasty attempt at authority.

"That..." I sighed.

Catching up with my commentary, Washu turned and gave me a shocked look as I stared right back into her mint-green eyes.

"Congratulations," I commented in a straight non-plussed fashion, only barely hiding my sarcasm. "You just experienced THE most classic perverted gag of all time. The 'Compromising Position Misunderstanding' Want a cookie?"

"Are you two going to be long?" Mihoshi asked. Dammit, even her response to a joke was a joke in itself.


	5. Better Fools

* * *

**Chapter five: Better Fools**

_When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro._  
_\- Hunter S. Thompson_

* * *

 

"You're kidding, right?" Ayeka asked as she washed the remains of Tenchi's lunch dishes. "Just like that?"

"Just like that," Washu nodded between bites of her own, late meal. "He started calling the shots one after another. I didn't believe it until it was too late."

News of what happened in the bath had gone around rather quick. Not from Mihoshi, but rather by Washu herself. My suggestion of course... Head off the whole thing before Mihoshi got a chance to open her big mouth. That was damage control.

To my relief, the story was met with a few chuckles and some minor disdain overall. Not that anyone would really think so poorly of Washu as to actually believe what viewpoint Mihoshi might have had of the whole mess. But as I had pointed out, it was best not to take chances. This was Mihoshi we were talking about. The scientist agreed.

Ayeka was the exception of course. A bit more curious than the others, courtesy of my retelling of her mother's visit during our walk back from the store. She slowly pried me more and more with little questions about what I had seen, what I thought about it, and what actions of her had been a result of the gag.

One I pointed out was the entire routine she and Ryoko had gone through starting with Sasami reading a manga. Of particular I pointed out why I had cracked up last week when Washu had teleported her into the lake. The setup of the joke beginning with Ryoko's suggestive comment going wrong thanks to the trap built into the door, culminating in the both of them falling for it when they overreacted to Washu's presence in Tenchi's room.

Ayeka had started to laugh as she connected the dots, but suddenly stopped and looked at me sternly.

"How much of that argument did you see?" she asked.

"The whole thing," I replied. Then I realized why she'd asked, as she suddenly turned a touch pink and tried to find words amidst a fit of stuttering. Sure, she knew I knew her secrets, but her mind was only just now realizing I might as well had BEEN there. The conversation between her and Ryoko wasn't exactly child safe material. And the princess wouldn't be caught DEAD admitting to that. At least, not yet.

"What about when Mihoshi first showed up?" she suddenly asked, almost conspiratorially. Washu paused in mid-chew. "Did you see all that?"

The whole Hot Springs episode? Well yes, I saw-

Oh...

Oh yes, that's right.

I HAD seen all that... ALL of that.

I looked away, at a loss as to how to respond to the subtext of the princess' question. In the corner of my vision, I saw her flush an even deeper shade of red as I pretended to find something interesting about the clock.

"You..." Ayeka began at last. "You actually s- saw."

"Yes," Washu cut in. "He saw you naked."

About as subtle as a train wreck Washu! Jeeze...

"Or more accurately," the scientist corrected. "A cell-shaded two dimensional representation of your naked body. Nothing to get worked up about."

"W-w-w-WHAT?" Ayeka turned, gawking at the scientist. "What do you mean, 'nothing to get worked up about?' It's still my body! I'm not like Ryoko! I don't just go showing off to anyone!"

"And what will you do?" Washu asked. "Do you realize he's but one in millions?"

Ayeka froze, another rant dying in her mouth.

"What?"

"We're FICTION in his world," Washu emphasized. "Fiction, reproduced for the masses. There are probably hundreds of thousands of copies distributed there. Chances are it even aired on a national television network."

Ayeka went from beet-red, to ghostly white in a matter of seconds. I could hear her voice catch in her throat in that familiar sound I had first heard when this all started. The sheer scale of what Washu was implying, while true, might be just a bit too much for Ayeka to handle. Washu, don't make her crack.

"Hell, knowing how people behave with the fiction we have," Washu continued. "You probably have your own fan clubs."

Then Washu looked at me.

"Am I right?"

I threw my hands up immediately as Washu brought the attention of the conversation, and a spooky glare from the princess, back to me.

"I respectfully plead the fifth," I stated defensively. "I just managed to get on her good side. I don't want to start over from scratch... Again."

I held the posture as the princess cast a withering glare in my direction. After several seconds of looking between my 'please don't kill me' look, and Washu's look of 'whatever', she finally closed her eyes and took a deep, calming breath.

"Very well," she commented in her regal tone. I was finding that Ayeka fell back on that tone of voice whenever she was controlling her temper. She was Misaki's daughter all right, temper and all. It was her idolization of Funaho that had given her that dignified manner. Even if it was only a means of self control.

"We shall never speak of 'those things' again," she put special emphasis on her words before she leaned in very close to my face. "Because if Ryoko finds out about it, I'll never hear the end of it from her."

"What things?" I commented in a faux innocent tone, lowering my hands.

"Exactly," Ayeka winked, understanding the way I meant it.

"See?" Washu commented. "Nothing to get worked up about."

Yeah, sure... Nothing. Nothing except a princess with realistic modesty issues, and a hair trigger. Good thing you can talk some sense into her.

"Do me a favor," Ayeka interrupted, changing topics with a determined snap.

"Yes?" I asked, as eager as she was to quickly change the topic.

Ayeka wandered over and picked up a basket full of folded laundry, then calmly walked over to me.

"I need you to take these up to Tenchi's room," she instructed. "Just put them in his room. He'll put them away himself later."

I nodded, receiving the basket. Almost immediately, I winced as my arm protested. Man, what did I DO?

"Oh," Ayeka continued. "Remember to knock first..."

"Yeah," I nodded. "Lake."

Ayeka left me to this task. Easy enough... I practically flew up the stairs on the two-X strength setting. Then down the hall. Knock a few times to ensure I didn't end up underwater with a load of laundry. Set the basket down on Tenchi's bed. Have a momentary look around because I'm nosy...

Eh, nice room. Awesome view of the countryside around the house. He had that old computer from OVA three sitting on a desk. From the looks of things, it was an old 486 or early Pentium system. The room was typical of the stark contrast I'd seen around the rest of the house. The simple, everyday items sitting in the room betrayed none of the extra-terrestrial or even extra-dimensional nature of the guests. Let alone the abilities Tenchi had. It was, if you could put it this way, refreshingly normal.

Not to stick around and snoop for very long, I finished my assigned task and bounded back down the stairs, aware as I did so this time around, of the spot where I had nearly taken the fall when I had been running blind and afraid in the dark. It seemed like years ago. What I had already been through. But really, it had only been a few days.

Pausing on my return walk, I noticed that 'Team Cute' was still at it concerning the Sailor Moon marathon. Though, with the exception that Luna was no longer a cat, and passed out next to Sasami. In fact, she was learned up against Sasami, with Ryo-Ohki parked in her child form again right in their lap. Who was in turn, cradling Senbei, who was still wrapped up in a dry hand towel.

Mihoshi sat slightly apart from the group on the couch, giggling at a humorous scene showing Artemis being chased by dozens of angry, red eyed animals. I wonder what episode they're on.

Upon reporting back to Ayeka to confirm I had completed my task, the princess smiled approvingly before instructing me to fetch another basket of clothes that she was going to go wash in the bin outside.

A rich, super powered, technologically advanced family descended from the most powerful galaxy-spanning empire in the universe...

And they don't even have a washing machine.

No wonder Ayeka always seems to be busy doing laundry...

If she asks me to assist in that particular task, I'm stealing the truck and heading to the nearest Laundromat.

Finding my target basket, I crouched down and picked it up.

Dammit! This tweak in my arm is really getting out of hand.

"Hold up," Washu indicated from behind me. "Stop. Put it down."

"What's the matter?" Ayeka asked, puzzled. Washu left her spot and wandered over to me.

"You okay?" she asked, examining my arm. "This is why I wanted you to try and take it easy after all."

"Just my arm," I shrugged. "It's been sore for a day or two now. I thought it was just from everything I've been doing."

"Hmm..." Washu pondered for a moment. "Well, to start, turn the suit off. Now that you seem to be used to it, you should keep it off unless you need it, or your muscle mass will start to atrophy."

"Done," I clicked the watch, feeling my weight settle back in. I don't need to get proportionally weaker now do I?

"Now," Washu continued. "Do this."

She reached out with her arm, palm up. I followed suit.

"Now this," she continued, flexing her arm into a curl.

I did and-

"OW!" I snapped, wincing at the shot of pain like little needles from my elbow to the tips of my fingers.

"Where'd you feel that?" she asked.

"From my shoulder down to the tip of my pinky," I winced. Washu nodded thoughtfully.

"Little sharp pains like that when you lift anything?" she tilted her head. "Burning sensation behind the elbow? And, how about the feeling of pulling in the upper arm when you cross over?"

Check, check, and double-check. I nodded as I tried to work it out rotating my arm.

"You've got a vertebrae out of alignment," she smirked. "Probably the T-One. One moment."

Washu walked over to where she'd left her plate and quickly dealt with the dishes, informing Ayeka that she would be hauling me away again, just when the princess was starting to turn me into a personal assistant.

Ayeka took minor offense to that comment, denying that she was making a servant out of me. Inwardly, my brain spotted an inconsistency. Washu said 'assistant', Ayeka said 'servant'. I couldn't help but point it out.

"Quiet you," Ayeka commented in a non-plussed fashion. But it wasn't the mean look she'd used with any of her previous admonishments, but more one I'd seen on many people I knew. A kind of offhand playful rebuttal that only seemed serious if you weren't really paying any attention at all... She was acknowledging that I was picking on her the same way that I'd pick on my friends back home.

Could it be possible that I was not only on Ayeka's good side, but she was relaxing around me enough despite the previous near-setback that was actually, dare I say it, toying with me?

I really didn't get to investigate that much further, Washu instructing me to follow her into her lab again. Walking through that door never seemed to get old. I shit you not. Even with my new 'portal watch', I couldn't help getting just a bit giddy walking through it. And having been in the lab several times now without anything inherently 'bad' or embarrassing occurring to me, the subtle sense of foreboding was going away.

The door deposited us in yet another area of the lab. This one seeming to be parked in the middle of a field, fair weather blue skies stretching into the distance in all directions. It was a rather odd contrast to the areas I had been in before. But then again, five Earth-sized planets have a lot of room. The only things out of place for this setting seemed to be the kind of 'base' set up in the 'middle' of the 'room'.

Which strangely enough, included Ryoko. Washu must be moving her around.

"You still here?" I prodded verbally, coming to a stop as I noticed her presence. "What the hell did you do?"

Ryoko just grumbled dejectedly about being stuck in the lab all day.

"I just have her in here to keep her out of trouble," Washu commented as she wandered past me. "I didn't want her getting Ayeka riled up with you in the condition you were in, as fragile as you already are."

I looked at the tied up former pirate again. Out of everything Ryoko hates more than anything in life, it would have to be locked up, immobilized, and deprived of contact. You try spending seven hundred years locked in a cave, fully aware the entire time and see if it doesn't leave you with a few mental scars some time. Even more so after her mother locked her up just like this and left her in the dark for hours.

"I think you can let her go now..." I commented sympathetically. "I'm not exactly cripple."

Washu took a glance at Ryoko, an ever so slight look of Mischief playing on her features.

"I know about THAT too," I threw the comment out. "Don't do it to her again... You know she hates it."

Ryoko looked back and forth between the two of us, slightly confused. Washu shot me a brief glance of shock again before masking it with an amused smile.

"There's just no end to the secrets you know is there?" The scientist commented as her console appeared. With a flick of the button, the restraints on Ryoko loosened, allowing the former pirate free. Ryoko instantly teleported out of the spot and onto the ground next to me.

"Thanks," she commented shortly, then looked at me curiously. "How do you know about-"

"Long story," I rotated my arm again trying to work on that pain. Ryoko looked around for a moment.

"Well," she began, looking a little nervous. "Just between you and me, don't let Ayeka find out. She'll laugh me into the ground."

"Done," I commented, raising my eyebrow. "Just try not to roughhouse with her when I'm around. I'm breakable."

Ryoko eyed me for a moment, then half-flew, half-teleported to the exit and then quickly left the area.

The old secret keeper routine... Is that what I'm becoming now? You know... I'm just going to pretend it's not a big deal. The chain of events that routine can spawn are not worth the headache. Though, if you ask me, there's a lot of blackmail potential from all these personal secrets if I really need it. Not that I'd sink that low as to do such a thing-

"Over here," Washu interrupted my thoughts, standing next to what appeared to be a towel. "Come lie on your stomach."

Now what's she planning? Better not be something perverted or mischievous. Though at this point, I trusted it wasn't. Washu hadn't really been all that mischievous to me beyond teasing a little. And I doubt she'd try anything perverted. Especially after the example I had pointed out earlier.

"Hurry up," she instructed impatiently. "The sooner you do, the sooner your arm will feel better."

Oh! I see...

After laying down on the towel, or whatever this thing was because it had a rather strange texture for a towel, Washu continued with a few more instructions.

"Arms at your side," she began. "Turn your head, try to relax."

After a moment of silence, I suddenly felt the presence of her hands pressing against my back.

"Talk about tense," she commented, voice slightly deeper in thought. "What exactly did you go slamming your back into to get it all knotted up like this?"

Washu worked her hands right in between my shoulder blades in a rolling, upwards motion, seeming to be looking for something by touch, rather than by sight. While she did that, I thought about the question. What have I hit? I haven't... Wait

"I got slammed into a tree," I provided, remembering that raging firefight with Zoicite. "Thrown through the air by a magic blast."

"That would do it," the scientist intoned behind me. "I had no idea you'd been walking around like that or I would have taken care of this sooner. My medical scans were focused on vitals and physical damage. Not dislocations."

Then her hands stopped just short of the base of my neck, seeming to find what they were looking for.

"Okay, relax," she instructed, and began to push, applying that same rolling pressure, but this time seeming to pour her weight into it. Then, just when the pressure was reaching the point where it would start to hurt-

'CRACK!'

There was a brief moment where my mind literally blanked.

Then...

Oh. My. GOD!

It's as if someone suddenly took all the happiest moments of my life, forged them into a hammer, and struck me upside the head. For just a second, my vision seemed to spin, and I could almost feel the drool in my mouth. But this was all overpowered by this sensation of absolute giddy relief that almost made me start to laugh like a deranged lunatic right then and there.

"Wow," I barely registered hearing. "That was a big one."

Washu continued in a few other spots, eliciting a few smaller, but no less satisfying pops from my shoulder blade and ribs in my back.

"There," she commented after taking a moment to slowly twist my head and neck one way, then the other, though we weren't rewarded with any pops. "All done... How's that feel?"

Feel? You mean there are sensations OTHER than that of a blob of purely content meat paste?

"How's what feel?" I asked, with a slightly unhinged, lethargic smile. For once in my life, I could have just laid there and died a happy man.

The general sensation of every nerve in my body thanking me for releasing it from centuries of torment slowly faded away after a minute or two. I could feel now this warm sensation in my right arm, as of circulation being returned, and a pulsing relief, right to the tip of my finger.

"Wow," I laughed, slowly pushing myself to my knees. "Was that just my back, or did you do something else?"

"I just popped your back," Washu commented as I turned around. "Nothing special added."

I froze once I realized what had been different. Washu wasn't standing at her four-foot high child form, but a good five-ten or so full adult size, arms crossed with a smirk.

"Why are you like that?" I asked, trying not to act shocked or surprised. I mean, I knew Washu could change her apparent age at ease. But seeing it for real, well...

"I needed more weight to pop your back effectively," the scientist explained. "Applying some super strength would have just hurt you if I didn't estimate your durability correctly, so I opted for this instead."

Oh... Logical, I guess.

"Also," she continued. "Using this form will make it a little easier to instruct you in the modifications I did to your weapon."

Modifications? Weapon?

"Is that why we're in an open field?" I asked, looking around. "I was wondering what the scenery change was about."

"Yes," Washu nodded, wandering over to a portable gazebo with a table beneath it. "I was working on it earlier when you showed up, but I hadn't quite determined how far I was going to take it. I needed a little time to figure your personality out, so I watched your interactions all morning."

Figures she'd be spying on me.

"From the looks of things," she continued. "You seem to think and act rationally, so I have no concerns about the equipment. Just think of it as my way of doing a brief background check on you."

She must be in her adult form so I would take her a bit more seriously.

"Given what you had on you when you returned," Washu pointed out, turning to the table, which had all the items I had collected on it. "It looks like you picked up a small arsenal. An average mix. The slug thrower and the trigger mine are standard Earth fare. The dagger, I guess that's what you used on that demon..."

I nodded.

"And then there's this glove," the scientist pointed. "And this magic powered beam saber."

The glove... Jail's power glove.

JAIL'S POWER GLOVE!

Wait just a cotton-picking minute!

"Duh!" I snapped, interrupting the scientist in the middle of her commentary, earning a sour look. "That's what happened!"

"What happened?" Washu asked.

"The whole reason I got punched in the face in the first place," I snapped, stepping forward to scoop up the glove. "I used a magic attack."

"But you can't use magic," Washu pointed out.

"I know," I replied. "I didn't... I mean I did, but it wasn't me."

Slipping the glove over my right hand and giving it a test grip, I turned to Washu.

"It had to be this glove," I continued. "It's Scaglietti's power glove. Like all the devices in that setting, it's got built in operational AI. I was only faking a spell for a distraction for Senbei, but it must have read my intent and made a real attack out of it."

"Magic can be finicky like that," Washu pointed out. "But reading your intent and building a functional spell out of it is not a simple procedure."

"Washu," I stated. "I know what I saw. I was standing right there when it blew the girl through the wall."

Then I realized... Best show by example.

"Here," I turned to face open field. "I'll show you."

Washu crossed her arms, looking a bit smug. She'd at least give me the benefit of the doubt.

"Zazoom zazamoor..." I began. Almost instantly I inwardly winced at how stupid it sounded. Without the driving wind and flanging voice reverb effect, it sounded so pathetic. I felt kind of silly doing it in front of Washu at this point.

"Let the fires become my sword and strike you down!" I finished. "VENOM!"

Nothing...

I glanced at the glove, and then where I was holding my hand.

Still nothing...

"Dammit," I grumbled, lowering my hand.

"There was probably more at work than the glove," Washu pointed out. "You were in a base of some kind right?"

"Right," I nodded.

"The glove might act as a control for external support, or an amplifier," she continued. "You probably just redirected an automatic magical defense system."

"Yeah," I sighed, remembering how the strings Jail called upon seemed to come out of the ceiling and floor. "Bummer. Being able to cast VENOM, or Fireball, or even maybe Dragonslave-" I stopped and chuckled at the thought of being my own pocket nuclear weapon. "Still. I've got the Doc's glove, which means he doesn't have-OH... FUCK!"

"What?" Washu asked as I cupped my head in my hands and paced in circles, lapsing into English.

"Oh, fuck-fuck-fuck..." I continued. "Fuckity fuck-fuck. Shitcakes and FUCKSHROOMS!"

"WHAT?" Washu asked in an elevated tone.

"He's got the fucking Crystal!" I snapped. "God DAMMIT! Why didn't I give that thing to Usagi when I had the chance?"

"Is that bad?" Washu asked. "I take it that's bad."

"The guy's like Doctor Clay with Seryio Tenan levels of batshit," I pointed out. The scientist instantly blanched. "And I practically handed him the keys to a reality hacking plot device. He may not have all seven, but that's still a lot of raw power."

Do I need to go over just how BAD it is for the 'Good' Doctor to have his hands on a rainbow crystal? There are just about a dozen ways I could imagine him using that based on story context alone, and that's BEFORE getting really creative with it.

"Now shit's really going to be fucked up," I shook my head, pacing. "As long as he has the crystal, he could cause all kinds of problems in that universe. AND, as long as he has the crystal, the good guys in the Sailor Moon universe DON'T have it, which means they won't have their Deus Ex Plot Crystal when they need it, which means Metallia's going to rape-stomp them, which means... GOD DAMMIT I'VE FUCKING KILLED THEM! GOOD GOING ME! I AM BECOME MIKE NELSON! DESTROYER OF WORLDS!"

"Now..." Washu began.

"But wait, THERE'S MORE!" I continued, my mind continuing to draw up bigger-and-badder scenarios. "We have a two for one special going today! Destroy the world of your choice; kill another at no extra charge! You can't FIND a better deal!"

"If you'd just-" Washu tried again.

"And if you call now!" I interrupted, my mind now flying on the implications of what no Sailor Moon would mean in the long run in that reality without someone to check Galaxia's activities. "We'll throw in the end of all life in the universe! A fifty dollar value, ABSOLUTELY FREE!"

"AT EASE!"

I froze; stiff as a board, on reflex alone before looking at Washu.

"How did you," I began. Washu slapped her hand down on the table, right next to my IET Handbook.

Oh...

"Calm down," she instructed forcefully. "You haven't killed any worlds yet."

"I might as well have," I shook my head. "Without their plot-crystal, the Sailor Senshi WILL die at the hands of Metallia, and then she'll consume the Earth, killing all life. And it only gets worse from there."

"Then you'll just have to fix it," Washu admonished. "Won't you?"

"Cheh..." I scoffed. "I need to somehow get back to Jail's lab, recover, the crystal, and return to Sailor Moon's world in order to fix things up. That is, if my actions haven't made things worse than before. I'm no metaphysicist, but even I understand the implications when you said I have high temporal mass. Set events are now FUBAR."

"And what exactly is stopping you from doing just that?" Washu asked. "You seem to know what needs to happen."

"I need to get back to Jail's lab," I pointed out. "So far, I'm not exactly in control of where I'm going."

"You came back here," Washu pointed out.

I paused to think about that.

Yeah, she's right. I DID come back here... Random Hops only SEEM Random, but like I mentioned before SOMETHING is pulling the strings. If I came back to a world I had been in previously once, chances are I'd be revisiting other worlds. If that's the case, then it's just a matter of waiting until I hit the right worlds. I just have to play my cards smartly, and wait.

I sighed, relaxing a little.

"That's better," Washu nodded approvingly. "Your temporal mass is high, but that doesn't mean your every action is significant. The butterfly effect, which you seem to be thinking about, likes to overplay the significance of minor temporal branching in a timeline. Truth-be-told, minor causality stutters are quite common, and major events don't get shifted around as badly as the theorem would like you to think. It takes a lot more collective temporal upsets to alter major causality branches. Statistically speaking, a minor stutter rarely effects a critical branch point."

"In passing," I filled in. "I worry too much."

"Precisely," Washu winked.

"Yeah well," I began. "Considering my knowledge of events in these worlds pretty much consists of nothing BUT critical branch points..."

"Then all you have to do is make sure you don't alter those critical points," Washu countered. "Easier than you think. Trust me. I would know."

You would, wouldn't you?

"Yes," she commented.

"Can I at least have some mental privacy around here?" I asked. "I've pretty much given up on physical privacy."

Washu smirked, but otherwise didn't acknowledge my request. Instead, she turned to the table.

"You can think about how you'll clean up that mess later," she continued. "Right now, let's look at your shotgun."

The scientist led me over to another table where Mossy lay. The shotgun looked the same, save for what seemed to be some kind of reflex sight. The real difference seemed to be the odd colored shells lined up next to it.

                                                             

"I figured you'd be most comfortable with a weapon you more or less understand," she continued. "So I didn't modify the shotgun here beyond adding a smart sight. Standard issue on Galaxy Army rifles. This is better than giving you any real GP gear, since it may require service while you're out of contact, and it would be rather annoying if you had to try and service parts that can blow your torso off if mishandled."

Yeah, she has a point there.

"So," I began, looking at the shells. "You modified those?"

"Yes," Washu nodded. "Well actually, I fabricated them. They're based off hunting rounds that were formerly used on the planet Abason. Before hunting was banned there, the planet was known throughout the galaxy as home to some of the largest, most dangerous game imaginable."

Why did 'Abason' strike a chord?

"The original rounds were much larger, intended for taking out predators such as the Doduos," Washu continued. "These are scaled down to about half their original size to fit your weapon."

Half size! How big was the gun?

"This one," Washu picked up a round with a striped, black and yellow casing. "Is a scale version of the Eight-Double-D 'Yellow Jacket' round. It's similar to your buckshot round. Except instead of shooting eight thirty-three caliber steel balls at target, it fires eight, razor-sharp darts in a complicated sabot casing. It'll shred just about anything short of armor like tissue paper."

I whistled. What kind of game would you need to be hunting to need what amounts to a shotgun-fired hail of supersonic knives?

Washu set down the 'yellow jacket' (fitting name) round and picked up the next round. This one had a solid case, with a single red stripe near the end.

"Backlash," she advised. "Zero-Zero-Double-D. Named after the rather touchy recoil it has. This is a two-stage saboted gyrojet round tipped with super-compressed tektite. Just like the columns on board the Souja."

I know nothing about that material. Is it like depleted uranium? The way I remember it, there was a comment tossed out during the fight with Kagato that implied it was supposed to be absurdly strong.

"It has a muzzle velocity of one thousand meters per second, but will reach maximum speed at three hundred meters, going about two thousand meters per second. Hunters used this against the Doduos, since it allowed them to hunt at standoff ranges of about a kilometer without being too heavy. Trust me, you want to be at least that far away when hunting something like a Doduos."

"Rip and tear?" I asked. Why was that name so familiar?

"Rip and tear," Washu nodded.

Washu placed the round back on the table. Huh... Gyrojet. Just like a Warhammer bolt round... Heh. There's a nickname already. A Bolt Round. I guess that means Mossy just got reclassified as a 'Bolter'.

"What about this one?" I indicated the yellow and red striped shotgun shell. I knew better than to touch.

"Goodfellow," Washu answered.

Goodfellow? Why did I have the feeling that I was about to see the law of inverse lethal magnitude go into play?

"This is something of a personal design," she continued. "I figure, if you really need some firepower at some point, having a few of these on you will bridge the gap without making you 'too powerful'. They're mechanical analogues of Masu physiology. Material casing, with a gel layer of the neutral material, with a filament core of the anti-material."

So it was an antimat- Oh HOLY-

"DAMN!" I gaped. Law of Inverse Lethal Magnitude, right to the letter!

Washu seemed amused at my reaction. Well, yeah, she just told me that I was getting an antimatter-round.

"Yes," she interrupted my thoughts. "It's powerful. Like I said 'to bridge the gap.' It's only a tiny filament of the anti-material, but it'll pack a wallop to match a tank."

You know what? I like Washu. I really like Washu. She may nerf me to keep me from being a galactic threat, but she still knows what a guy likes when it comes to firepower.

"Now," the scientist continued, materializing two sets of earplugs and handing one to me. "Familiarization with round effects. Both shooting characteristics, and damage."

I stuffed the small foam plugs into my ears as Washu did the same. Then she quickly snapped up the Mossberg, making it obvious why she wanted her adult body for this. In her younger form, with its shorter arms, it would be awkward to handle.

Washu snapped the action open and inspected the chamber through the ejection port as if she had done it thousands of times before. Then with a deft motion, handed the weapon to me. I parroted the routine, inspecting the chamber to make sure there wasn't a round in it before she continued.

"First fire a regular buckshot round," she instructed, handing me a regular red shotgun round. "Just so you have a benchmark."

I slid the round into the chamber through the ejection port, then snapped the action shut. Washu nodded and pressed a button on her suddenly appearing console. A few meters away, a target dummy with the likeness of doctor clay suddenly appeared.

Taking the weapon off safe, I raised it to my shoulder and took aim. Then with a loud 'crack', fired.

The clay... Clay, splintered from the hail of steel pellets.

"Okay," Washu nodded, pressing another button, which moved the damaged target to the side as a second appeared. While she did that, I opened the action, ejecting the used casing.

"Now the yellow jacket," she instructed. I nodded, picking up and chambering the yellow and black round.

Aim... FIRE.

Mossy kicked, and the likeness of Clay in front of me practically shattered.

"More penetration and higher damage for the same amount of kick," Washu instructed. Next to her, a screen showing a high-speed camera replay of the shot appeared. "It also actually hits twice."

The individual 'darts' of the round sliced into the figure and ripped right through it, and were followed up by their sabot petals, which acted to aggravate the damage, causing the whole figure to shatter. I ejected the spent casing.

"Backlash," she continued.

I chambered the black round. This time the next figure looking like clay appeared quite some distance away. I took aim, intending to try out the sights.

"Wait," Washu interrupted. "Set your strength enhancement up to Two-X."

I looked at her once confused, but followed instructions before taking aim again. As I learned into my aim and started to squeeze the trigger, I wondered. Just how much extra recoil did the-?

'BA-BAM!'

"Holy-" I stumbled backwards before falling flat on my ass. "What the hell?"

"BACKLASH," Washu pointed out. "You think they named it that because it sounded cool? You need to brace correctly when firing that round. Plant and lock your rear leg. Lean in to just before where you would lose balance. Rest your cheek on the stock; cradle the weapon more. It's like having a much larger rifle, and it's going to kick like one."

"No kidding," I replied, stopping to rub my cheek where the stock had slapped me. "With a kick like that, I doubt anything on the receiving end will survive."

"See for yourself..." Washu picked up the binoculars I'd forgotten I'd packed and handed them to me.

"Ouch," I commented once I adjusted them for focus. What was left of the 'Clay' was not much. The 'upper torso' section was gone, leaving only a scattering of debris all around it. Over penetration would be an issue too.

"If you have problems bigger than what the backlash can deal with," she continued. "That's what the Goodfellow is for. Though I don't expect you to have very much trouble of that nature, and I don't expect you to go looking for it either. But as I've learned around Mihoshi, expect the unexpected. Now, pick up the Goodfellow."

I did as instructed while Washu prepared another target. This one just as far away as the last, if not actually a bit farther.

"Load," she instructed.

"Loaded," I commented after a moment.

"Aim," she continued. "But DO NOT fire."

I sighted up my target.

"Now turn your head," She continued. "Do not look directly at the blast."

I did so. Yes of course, antimatter annihilation. Pure radiation... Just like a nuclear flash.

"Fire," she instructed.

'Crack!'

There was brief pause, which ended with a blinding flash of light reflecting off my leatherman. I hadn't even noticed it was sitting right in front of me as I stared at it. The flash was followed a moment later by a loud boom and a burst of wind blown dust.

"Gah!" I snapped, big red and green blobs now dancing right in the center of my vision. "Dammit!"

"What?" Washu commented. "You okay?"

"I'm fine!" I returned, trying to blink the blobs away despite knowing that blinking had nothing to do with it. "Just caught the reflection."

After a minute of waiting for the obnoxious colors in my vision to fade, Washu once again handed me my binoculars.

"Oh yeah," I commented after getting a good look. "It's dead."

The spot where the last target had been was nothing but a small, smoldering crater.

"You get three of those rounds," Washu informed me.

"Just three?" I asked. The scientist nodded.

"If you need more than three," she advised. "You've got bigger problems. Three of those, and thirty each of the other two rounds."

"Fair enough," I nodded. Enough firepower to, hopefully, keep me safe. But limited enough that I couldn't suddenly turn into a one-man-army.

For the next hour, Washu continued to drill me on the use of the rounds, quizzing me on round selection to match a threat, as well as correct posture for utilizing the Backlash rounds without suffering a potential broken arm. Her instructions were clear and reinforced by everyone's favorite teacher: Pain.

Do not fire a backlash with any less than two-X suit reinforcement to my strength. Do always assume the correct postures for standing, supported, and prone. Do always double-check the backstop area behind a target. More so than normal...

The warning she gave me about the Goodfellow round was much simpler. Everything within' twenty meters is toast, and anything out to fifty is probably not getting back up. Do not look at the blast, and there is no minimum arming distance. So be aware. When she handed me the rounds, they were in a small, armored case that reminded me of a glasses-case. Aside from a small symbol of a crab superimposed over a radiation symbol on the ends, it was unmarked. The case itself would be capable of withstanding explosions, but she warned me not to go testing it.

I don't exactly plan to.

When we finally finished my little training and instruction session, Washu escorted me out of her lab, returning to her child-like form while I had my back turned at some point.

Despite the noise and mayhem of weapon training occurring inside, it was plainly obvious that not a single person was the least bit aware of what I had been doing the last hour. The Sailor Moon DVD Marathon looked to be nearing its end, with team cute still parked in place, heavy one former space pirate.

Then, there was Luna, head lolled to the side, mouth open, almost drooling.

"She's STILL out?" I asked, shaking my head.

"Well, she's been through a lot too," Washu pointed out. "And she was keeping an eye on you non-stop yesterday."

"Nonstop?" I glanced at the scientist. Washu nodded.

"She was worried you were dead remember?" she advised. "She was so strung up and nervous that I swear she was going to start pouncing on shadows if I hadn't kicked her out of the room and assigned Tenchi to watch you. It's kind of amazing she managed to stay awake that long. Cats, even sapient cats, normally sleep between thirteen and eighteen hours a day. She did an amazing job of hiding her fatigue as well as she did... Though I think she caught a few naps here and there."

"Yeah," I heaved a sigh, suddenly feeling a bit sorry for Luna. "I guess she needed to get some sleep some time too."

I wandered over to the couch, careful not to bother the others, smirking as I pushed some of the human-feline's bangs to the side so they wouldn't hang in her open mouth. It was both silly, and cute.

You know... For a bossy, paranoid, self-important imperial advisor turned superhero babysitter... Seeing her zonked out like this, in this form, really struck home with my inner sympathy. Luna's actually pretty smart and easygoing when you can relate to her from a mature perspective. Stuck stressing over a bunch of children trying to do the job of an entire nation's military, at the risk of the end of all civilization. And knowing that every time Usagi blows her off, that the message that 'This is SERIOUS BUSINESS' just doesn't seem to be getting through. Poor thing was one hell of an underrated character in her world, and she deserved more respect than that.

That was going to change, starting right now. She saved my bacon almost half a dozen times now that I thought about it. Given all she's done for me already, I'd have to make sure I return the favor and get that crystal back where it belongs. I owe her at least that much...

Speaking of... I paused, turning to Washu.

"Hey. Do we have any canned tuna?"


	6. Faulty Fabrications

* * *

  **Chapter six: Faulty Fabrications**

_"It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense."_

_\- Mark Twain_

* * *

 

["Check it out!"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U5fNBNTXYlQ&feature=youtu.be&t=1m10s)

Hah! Priceless...

"Cause it's a lyrical power crash!"

"Your tracks make me laugh!"

"When you're put on the microphone!"

"You get smashed fast!"

"Not used to the nitty gri-"

Sasami vs. Drache...

Who's going to win?

'BOOM!'

You'd be surprised.

"Awwww..."

"You have to DODGE the claw. And then dodge it AGAIN after it flips over to use the beam cannon..."

Sasami glanced at up at me, slightly miffed and confused at my comment as I leaned on the back of the couch, looking right over her head.

It seemed that Washu had not yet explained about my temporal offset to anyone.

Truth be told, the more I thought about it, the stranger it got. Technically speaking, I'm anywhere from ten years, to twenty years ahead of everyone I've met in terms of what year it was in the timeline. So strange it was to believe that despite being different realities; Earth was practically identical in development in each case.

'How identical?' you ask...

Well, Sasami was playing, EINHANDER.

I remember playing Einhander when I was younger. Or rather, playing the demo on my old Playstation back in the day. And then I had watched some "Let's Play" versions on youtube maybe not more than a month ago... So for me, this was an exercise in memory. Because more or less, it was the same damn game to the letter.

The funny part, is even here, the game had yet to be released to the public. As it would turn out, Noboyuki has some nifty connections, and regularly uses them to get his hands on things most normal people would be hard pressed to find. Everyone got a little something now and again, just because he was a nice guy.

It was obvious where Tenchi had gotten his personality.

So Noboyuki's latest little gift: A beta release copy of Einhander, something like six MONTHS ahead of the official public announcement, if not more. Apparently he'd dropped it off some time yesterday, but Sasami was already engrossed in the beginnings of that thirty-hour Sailor Moon marathon. A marathon she'd finished shortly before dinner.

The game had its quirks for being so early. Some of the effects seemed off, extras were missing, and despite successfully triggering it, there had been no lower path through the level.

It was all I could do to keep from pointing out each and every little secret. The quip about the Drache's beam cannon was a momentary lapse in my self-control.

Now, you'd think Sasami, as she was depicted across the various continuities would DESTROY a game like this in no time flat.

In reality, well, it was kicking her ass. Now, I'd seen her go through a fighting game earlier, which she combo'd and cheaped her way through in twelve minutes flat. But Einhander...

'0 Fighters Left'

Yeah, that about summed it up.

Of course, a tiny portion of my thinking was off on the thought that, if Sasami got frustrated enough... What if Tsunami decided to get a little silly and metaphysically hack into the game data on the disk, and insert THE Tsunami into the game?

Frankly, that would be a very short game...

But still, it was a humorous thought as I smiled around a yawn.

"Alright! Bedtime for you."

I almost jumped, not realizing Washu had been standing right next to me. It came with that brief hot and cold flash I hated so much about being startled.

"Bed time?" I asked, feeling fifteen years younger all of a sudden. "Shouldn't I at least try to avoid jumping?"

"You can't avoid sleeping any more than you can avoid breathing," the Scientist pointed out to me. "You're going to jump at some point whether you like it or not, so it should be under more controlled conditions."

The exchange got the attention of the others. Sasami had paused her game to look at us, along with a stop in activities from everyone else...

"You also need to consider that you may or may not be able to get additional sleep on the far side of your jumps," Washu continued. "So you really should be taking more after Luna-"

Her name being mentioned, the advisor perked up.

"-And going to sleep MORE often. If you go to sleep sooner after much shorter days, you won't need to spend as much time asleep than normal. Essentially, you'll catnap. This way, you'll at least be alert enough to defend yourself if you have to, rather than driven to psychosis."

I never really thought of it like that.

"All things equal," Tenchi chimed in. He'd been sitting in a corner chatting away with Noike. "If you keep showing up places at four in the morning, you'll only get maybe four to five hours of sleep before most people get up and notice you."

"Right Tenchi," Washu nodded. "Chances are, even at your very best, you'll never get the full eight hours of sleep if you need. You might get six, which is the absolute minimum to stay on your feet... But that's unlikely."

"So instead," I filled in, starting to understand. "I take SHORT days, so that I don't require as much sleep each time I sleep."

Washu nodded, having become used to my ability to make sense of things. I sighed.

"Fair enough."

I paused, looking around, noticing everyone looking at me... It was almost like they were expecting me to trudge up the stairs, change into pajamas, and crash out. The silence this generated was quickly becoming awkward...

"So..." I began into the utter quiet. "How exactly do we do this?"

Collective facevault... I'd never imagined such an absurd physical gag to actually occur, let alone see everyone execute it at the same time. Washu, who was closest, literally looked like she'd been startled out of a deep sleep by an air horn to the face as she stumbled and caught herself with the couch.

"What do you mean?" the scientist asked as she recovered. "Isn't it obvious?"

"Well, it's not like I can simply sleep on command," I pointed out. "Especially knowing that I'm not merely going to sleep, but jumping realities. It would be like that first day I left home to ship off to basic training all over again. I spent four hours staring out the window that night unable to sleep."

Washu put her hand on her chin. Obviously, while a genius, she hadn't considered that.

"Come with me," she continued after a pause. "Luna, Senbei, you too."

Senbei teleported to my shoulder as Luna stood up and gave a bow to the others. Ayeka in particular returned said bow the most formally.

"You're absolutely right," Washu continued once we were through the lab door. Every time I went through that thing, it seemed to be yet another area of the lab. This section was actually familiar. Maybe it was because the new core module for Ryu-Oh was located just a hundred meters away. "Now that you understand what happens every time you go to sleep, you will definitely have a harder time doing so if you're not tired."

With a push of a button on her console, Washu made a bundled up futon drop out of one of her instant holes. Within moments, it unpacked itself until it was splayed out on the ground in front of me. Like everything else Washu had, it had her usual crab marking on it. I wonder if she realizes she's just as bad as Doctor Clay when it comes to marking everything with a logo.

Hell, I wouldn't be surprised to find out at this point, that when viewed at the macro-scale, the galaxies of this universe were arranged in a pattern that looked like a really huge crab.

"Lay down," Washu instructed. As usual with her, I complied without fuss.

"Now," she continued. "Before I get started. I'll just let you know that I already packed all the stuff you acquired, and then some, into your storage pocket. So you don't have to worry about that."

"I wasn't even thinking about it," I admitted. That reminded me rather blatantly how fast I could get complacent when I wasn't threatened in the least. I'd have to work on that. Thinking along those lines, I realized I had a question that needed a quick answer, if only to confirm.

"You certain the pocket will jump with me?" I asked.

"Well," Washu pondered. "From what I've seen, everything attached to your body that has a lower mass seems to jump. The storage space is bound to the watch, which is attached to you. And it only has a pseudo-mass when it's sealed. Seeing as Luna, with hidden pseudo-mass from her humanoid body, was able to jump with you, it should work just fine."

"What about me?" Luna interrupted, looking confused. "I won't have to be put into a pocket or something will I?"

"You'll just have to lie on top of him," Washu shrugged.

Washu must have intended that comment to sound the way it did, because one glance at Luna pointed out that with her current body, it qualified as a double entendre. It took Washu a moment to catch it herself. She must have been so used to being a touch perverse that she didn't even realize it.

"Oh! Hah!" She concluded when she did. "You didn't realize? I didn't just transform you; I fixed your transformation abilities. You can go back and forth at will."

Luna blinked.

"I can?" she asked.

"Of course!" Washu chimed in. "Give it a shot! It's easy."

Luna looked a little apprehensive, then glanced at me for confirmation. Uh, don't ask me, I'm not qualified in that field.

"Right..." Luna sighed. "Here goes nothing."

The advisor closed her eyes, concentrating. Having not done this in so long, it was probably a little work.

"Got it!" she chimed.

'Pop!'

There were no flashy effects, no subtle glows, not even reverse growth scenes you would have expected. One second, Luna was standing as a humanoid girl in front of me, the next, air rushed to fill a spontaneous vacuum and a the dress she'd been wearing crumbled to the ground like Obi-Wan-Kenobi's robes in 'A New Hope'. It was more or less the same thing that had happened with Shampoo.

"Did it work?" she asked, slightly muffled. "Gah! I'm stuck! Help!"

"Hold on," I advised, learning over to sort through the pile of fabric. I found the neck of the dress she'd been wearing, and fished around for a second. Finally, I found a clump of fur that could only be the cat's neck, which I carefully gripped and guided out of the mess.

"Thank you," the feline, back in her more familiar form, nodded. "Looks like it did work."

"Of course it did," Washu smiled. "This is ME we're talking about."

Yeah, typical Washu.

Without so much as stopping for a moment, Washu stepped over and picked Luna up by the scruff of her neck, quickly lifting the feline into the air, and turning her around and around in her hands as if inspecting for defects. Luna did her best to conceal her chagrin.

"Hmmm." the scientist pondered. "The mode switch appears to be complete. No partial transformations."

She then looked at the pile of clothes on the floor.

"That however, might be a problem." She continued, setting Luna down again. "Your particular morphology and method of change does not appear to compress and store garments the way Ryo-Ohki can. Unless you want to be stuck in the nude every time you switch into your humanoid form, I'm going to have to do something about that."

I watched passively as Washu pondered over the solution to this problem. Wondering what Washu would do next was fascinating in person. For all the solutions she had so far, I've noticed a rather practical, but creative use of high and low-tech solutions. Mixed, matched, and jumbled in all kinds of ways. Like for example, the control 'watch' on my suit had little more than an LCD face. Though, in retrospect, that might just be to disguise it a little. It almost seemed like she was using some kind of technology oriented version of Occham's Razor.

"Aha!" The scientist suddenly exclaimed, reaching out to tap a few keys on her ghost-like console. Then she reached off to her right, dipping her hand into an instant hole and plucked out a small...

"A collar?" I asked.

"Simple solution really," Washu nodded. "An auto-sizing collar that will automatically compress and store whatever clothing Luna is wearing when she transforms down into her more compact feline form. And when she transforms up into humanoid, it will reclothe her instantly. Though it will only be with whatever she was wearing last."

"I'm not exactly fond of collars," Luna eyed it suspiciously.

"This one also has a backup beacon," Washu continued. "If for any reason, you two get separated, I will still know where you are."

"I don't know," Luna hesitated.

"Put the damn thing on," I cut in. "If we end up in Berserk, you'll wish-

"BERSERK?" Luna seemed to turn pale beneath her fur.

"Oh, so you've heard of it?" I raised my eyebrow.

"I'll take the collar," Luna snapped hastily, ignoring my query. Apparently she had... She could only get it from Usagi or Rei. Man, I wonder what else they've been reading. I mean, BERSERK? That doesn't seem like Usagi's typical fare.

While I pondered that, Washu bent down and quickly fixed the feline up.

"There," she commented after a moment, bringing a mirror out of seemingly nowhere. (Must be another portal.) "How's that look?"

Luna twisted and inspected herself in the mirror, looking almost like a woman who was preparing to go out on the town.

"Not bad," she commented. "The color matches my fur."

"Of course," Washu replied pointedly. "I'm not going to send you out a fashion disaster."

Then with the press of another console button, the dress Luna had been wearing dissolved into sparkles and vanished.

"And now that outfit is stored," the scientist nodded. "The next time you switch into humanoid mode should be a lot less embarrassing."

"Thank you," Luna imitated a bow with her head, betraying what I now understood as the humanoid nature sneaking body language in.

"No problem," Washu grinned. "You two will get me piles of data... Which reminds me."

Washu turned to look at me.

"Call me as soon as you're safe at your next destination," She instructed. "I have a few things for you to take care of when you do."

"Understood," I nodded. As I did so, Luna jumped into my lap and sat down.

"I'll keep watch like before," she commented. "If anything happens, you'll be the first to know."

"Got it," I nodded again.

"And I'll watch too," Senbei suddenly faded in. "We will be A TEAM."

"Good night you three," Washu grinned, acting like a mother who was turning the lights out at a slumber party. Then, with a brisk turn, she stepped through her main door. A few seconds later, the lighting in the area began to dim.

Flopping down on my back, I stared at what more or less was the ceiling. The place was confusing. It seemed so open, yet so closed. Luna, for lack of anything better to do, crawled up onto my chest, absentmindedly kneading it in the process of curling up to lay down.

"Watch the claws," I commented.

"Oh," she returned. "Sorry, habit"

Senbei teleported next to the feline and reclined against her, looking the least concerned of anyone. Someone like Senbei could be at home almost anywhere.

I'm not sure how long we just sat like that, might have been five minutes, might have been thirty. But I pondered my situation over that time. I almost smirked at everything that had happened up until now. Weird didn't even begin to cover it. By the time this was all over, it was likely that I wouldn't be the same. Neither would my life.

Musing on that, I continued to stare, until I realized something.

"Great," I started to glare at nothing. "I'm not the least bit sleepy..."

"You have to figure something out," Luna advised. "If you don't get some sleep before you're really tired, you'll be miserable trying to catch up."

"Knowing that only makes it harder to pass out," I sighed. There was silence as I stared some more, trying to will myself to blank. But I just couldn't.

"Do you smell something?" Luna perked up.

"Smell?" I asked, then took a whiff. "No, nothing."

"I smell something," the feline continued. "Rather odd smell."

I took another whiff, nothing. As I did so, I felt my body get a little heavier.

"Ah," I understood, then belted out a yawn. "Washu's gassing us. Figures..."

"That won't do," Luna belted out a feline yawn. "I have to be awake."

"I don't think you'll have to worry too long," I commented, resting my eyes as my body started to relax.

Leave it to Washu. If there's a problem, she'll find a solution. If I couldn't get to sleep on my own, she'd find a way to put me under. I should have expected gas, it was so basic I couldn't help but wonder why I hadn't thought about it even as the blackness took me.

Now, I couldn't tell you how long I was out once my eyes shut, but like every other nap I've had in the last few days, it seemed like I had just dozed off when I was gently informed that my resting time was over.

"WAKE UP!"

I was sitting upright in an instant. Like any other time where I knew I'd have to be up in a hurry, my mind instantly latched on to the urgency in Luna's voice and connected the dots. There was trouble, perhaps even danger.

"I'm up!" I snapped automatically as I started assessing our location. Even as I did so, I was greeted by a most confusing set of responses...

"YAY! BIG BROTHER'S BACK!"

"WH-WH-WHAT THE HELL!"

I barely processed the voices when Kaola Su did a flying body tackle, giggling like mad as she took me straight to the ground.

"You're here to play right?" she grinned from ear to ear.

My mind started to catch up, realizing that Kaola Su also meant-

Motoko finally found her voice amidst her stuttering false starts, and screamed that deceptively high-pitched, ear splitting shriek of hers. I winced at it, certain now that everyone in the building was awake. Memories of what happened last time I was here instantly sprang to mind as I worked to pry Kaola off me. Motoko was freaked out, and if she got to her sword, we'd all be in for a world of hurt.

I had to calm her down!

"It's okay!" I started snapping repeatedly. "It's okay! You're okay!"

Blast it Su! Get off me!

"This is hardly okay," Luna admonished me as she tried to back away. As she did so, I finally caught the look on Motoko's face. The moment Luna had opened her mouth, her eyes had gone wide as saucers and her mouth fell open.

There was no mistaking that she would attempt to KILL Luna on the grounds of being a demon.

Demon?

"SENBEI!" I snapped.

"SIR!" He appeared.

"WOW!"

'Glomp!'

Su dropped me like a bad habit as she ADD'd right into the pint-sized demon god. I have to admit I felt just a touch of pity for the little guy. Su somehow managed to snag him out of the air in one deft motion before the bringer of foul luck even realized he was in trouble. Sorry Senbei, I guess you're going to take one for the team on this one.

Still, his sacrifice served its purpose. I was now free of that little coiled spring.

"Motoko!" I snapped, desperately working to get her attention away from Luna. It worked just a touch. As she directed her absolutely mortified face at me this time.

"Y-y-y-" she stuttered again. The poor girl seemed to be short-circuiting.

"It's okay," I repeated, moving towards her with my hands where she could see them. "You're okay. It's just me."

"N-no!" Motoko gasped out, trying to scramble back. "Stay back!"

"Motoko!"

And here comes the cavalry. Though this time, it was Naru who came barreling through the door, stopping just long enough to identify what was going on. Being the only intruder of significant size in the room, I was instantly spotted.

"YOU PIG!"

This time around, Narusegawa was not the least bit afraid of me. Having pretty much seen how passive I had been last time. And thus, seeing me, in the same room as the now retreating Motoko, her aggressiveness won out, and she went ballistic.

I was mentally prepared for it this time however, and I also wasn't suffering from a cracked rib. On top of that, Naru wasn't anywhere near as clever as Motoko when it came to fighting. She just lashed out with brutal strength.

Her Akamatsu-Patented Iron Punch hit nothing but air as I did something that Keitaro, wherever he was at the moment, had never bothered to do.

I ducked.

"Chill!" I snapped as I recovered. Unfortunately in passing, Naru managed to grab my shirt with the opposite arm, yanking me down.

Is it really going to come down to another ground fight in this place? I think I established last time that I could win such a situation against a trained fighter, if only barely. Naru was no such opponent.

She was however, even more vicious than Motoko ever was.

"Cad!" she snapped, lashing out blindly as she rolled around to take a swing at me. "Sicko!"

"Ow... Ow..."

I put my arms up to protect my face and let Washu's hazard suit live up to its name. Naru was waling on me, but aside from the sting from the nerve connections, the blows were notably less painful than they would have been unprotected. If she'd just give me an opening long enough to reach my wrist, I'd turn this whole situation on its head faster than you could say: 'By the Power of Grayskull!' But Naru wasn't having anything of the sort.

"That's about enough of that..."

There was a loud pop like a balloon. And suddenly Naru was caught by the wrist in mid-swing and forcefully yanked off of me. Luna, now humanoid, had absolutely no trouble as she damn near threw the student out into the hall. Naru stumbled to stay on her feet with a look of shock. Of course she'd be shocked! The room hadn't had an absurdly strong angry woman with purple hair just a few seconds ago. So busy had she been pounding on me, that she hadn't noticed Luna make use of her newly repaired transformation.

Motoko however, most certainly did. And I was positive that at this point she'd be totally convinced that Luna needed killing. My hand found the watch face, and I gave it a twist, one click to two-X, and I felt my body become 'looser'. But I would probably need more than that to easily overpower Motoko before she snapped out of it and turned into Ginsu Girl. So I twisted again, clicking up to four-X.

And damn near threw myself onto my back.

"Dammit!"

Four-X was to two-X, what two-X had been to my normal strength. I had to take a little more care as I rolled onto my stomach and started pushing up. The over-extending sensations were back in force, so everything felt just a bit wobbly as I turned to see Motoko, shakily going for her replica.

"It's okay," I barked again, trying to arrest her attention. "It's me!"

Motoko's face snapped between her 'multiple targets' at this point, her hand finally locating her replica Katana. Instantly she yanked the whole thing out, violently fishing to remove the blade from its scabbard.

No, no, NO! I will not have this devolve any further! I rushed the swordswoman, grabbing at her sword hand as she bared the first few inches of the blade

"No! GET BACK!" she snarled in terror, trying to yank free when I grabbed her wrist. It was clumsy, and overpowered, but it worked as I forced her to stumble backwards with the raw strength I had available. Motoko backpedaled into her bookshelf and came to an abrupt halt as I pinned her in place.

"It's okay!" I repeated, looking directly into her wide, terrified eyes. "You're okay! It's me! It's only me! Calm down!"

"Y-Yo-" she stuttered some more. "You vanished! Gone! It's not possible! There's no way!"

Aha! I thought this seemed a bit over dramatic, even for Motoko.

"J-just. BANG! Gone!"

"Calm down!" I implored again. "You're okay!"

"Y-You're a demon!" she continued to stutter. "I felt it! You're going to eat me!"

Oh for the love of-

"CALM DOWN!" I let my tone drop an octave. "Nothing, and nobody is going to eat you."

"B-but the cat-"

"RELAX," I snapped. "It's okay... She's a friend. The only demon around here is Senbei-"

I indicated Su with a turn of my head, who was now using Senbei like a dress-up doll. Oh my-

"And he's no match for her," I continued, trying to ignore the hilarious one-sixteenths scale combat fatigues Kaola had managed to shove the demon god into. Sorry Senbei.

Motoko eyed the pint-sized demon god, still on the verge of hyperventilating as I continued to lock her arms against the bookshelf.

"He-he's really a-"

I've had enough of this panic. Get a hold of yourself before I Bright-Slap you. What's it going to take to get your attention? Another 'turtle' attack? Or maybe-

"Aoyama Motoko!" I snapped in a tone I usually reserved for my niece and nephew's antics. "If you don't calm down RIGHT NOW, I'm going to pick up the phone, and give Tsuruko a call."

That did it. Motoko went as stiff as a board without another peep. I can't believe I never bothered to try fear of her sister last time. It ranked right up there with her fear of turtles.

"That's better," I nodded. "You're FINE. Nothing's going to happen to you."

Motoko just stared back, breathing in ragged gasps for several seconds, seeming to calm down. Satisfied that I had control of the situation, I pushed away, releasing her.

"See?" I continued.

Motoko remained unmoving. It was just a matter of seeing if she was going to relax, or go right back into her routine, or maybe now that she was getting over the fear, she'd get really REALLY pissed.

But what she did...

Her eyes welled up like saucers and her sword dropped to the ground. And in a single deft motion, she tackled me, bawling at the top of her lungs.

Wait, what? What the- WHAT?

What the hell? What is this? What's wrong with her? Why's she burying her head in my chest like a five-year-old who just woke up from a nightmare? This is 'I hate men!' Aoyama Motoko. And she's only been in contact with me for a combined total of maybe thirty minutes. What's going on?

"Now you've gone and done it," Luna commented with a shake of her head.

"Done WHAT?" I asked, carefully reaching up to my wrist to shut off my strength boost. "She's not supposed to be a crybaby like Usagi."

If not worse than Usagi's fits. What the hell man? Just... What the hell?

"Narusegawa!" I snapped my head to the entrance of the room, where the student was still rubbing her wrist. I also noted the other two girls had shown up, and were looking on in confusion. "What's wrong with her?"

"That's the same thing I was going to ask you after I was done beating you to a pulp!" Naru spat back. "She's been like this for a week. Ever since you left. Here I thought she'd just driven you off or something. Except she kept going on about how you just vanished."

"Well," I snapped back. "I kind of did. I just went through hell week hopping all over reality and back again. Sue me. Where's Keitaro?"

"He's stuck in the hospital," Naru replied. "Idiot went and broke his leg. And what the hell do you mean 'hopping all over reality'? I thought you were supposed to be some kind of government contractor working on top secret military tech."

"A what?" Luna asked.

Ah dammit, I almost forgot about that cockamamie story. Of all the times for this world to be right on the mark with it's seeming ability to bust lies.

"That's just some bullshit cover story Washu cooked up on the spot," I returned. "Even I thought it was absurd."

"So you lied then!" Naru snapped back. "I knew there was something wrong about you."

"What would you have me do then?" I started to glare. "Tell you the truth?"

"It usually helps!" Naru snarled.

"I'm a SLIDER," I snapped, only realizing exactly what I had said a moment later. Wow, I AM a slider.

"I don't believe you!" The student replied.

"EXACTLY!" I was almost yelling. "And knowing that, what would you have me say?"

"You PROVE it!" She snarled.

"That tends to require some form of PROOF!" I continued, my temper starting to flare up as well. "Proof I didn't have as I wasn't quite sure what was going on over getting my ass kicked! Though this time around, I think when it comes to proof, I'll just defer you to the FUCKING DEMON."

And I motioned around Motoko to Senbei.

Naru followed my indication over to the pint-sized demon god. And the retort I had seen her forming died in her throat. At six inches tall, currently hovering while Su was busy hunting for a helmet to go with his 'uniform', Senbei was not something that could be so easily dismissed.

"Or perhaps," I continued. "You would prefer to ask the talking cat who turns into a young lady."

Naru looked at Luna as I motioned to her. Luna crossed her arms and rolled her eyes, but remained silent. Behind her, the other two girls seemed equally shocked. Kitsune especially due to her wide open eyes betraying her.

More to the matter at hand though, I was reminded by yet another sob that the shirt I was wearing was subject to any attempts Motoko may make to blow her nose. As I had mentioned, I'm not exactly mister waterworks. So this was a very uncomfortable situation.

Still, what could I do? I can't just shove her off me.

Best thing I could guess would be to get her to stop crying. I did my best to think of something silly, or witty, or confident. But in the end, I had nothing. My wit just couldn't cover this one.

So at a loss, I just fell back on the child-managing standby I'd learned.

"It's okay," I commented, tentatively wrapping my arms around her shoulders to cradle her while she continued to sob into my shirt. "It's okay."

Combined with a few more repetitions of 'It's okay', patting her on the back, and some slight rocking, it seemed to work.

"You're okay..."

I'd never seen her this emotionally crippled, not even her worst in-universe breakdown.

After five minutes of damn near cooing and shushing like I was cradling an infant, Motoko was finally quiet. It was at this point that Luna sat down next to me, looking quite serious.

"So now what?" she asked. The remaining girls finally gained enough courage to likewise walk in and surround us. I looked down, remembering out of nowhere a single bit of my advice from Spacebattles. Don't make young girls cry.

Motoko was crying.

"I don't know," I concluded.


	7. Pottery Barn Rule

* * *

  **Chapter seven: Pottery Barn Rule**

_"Few things help an individual more than to place responsibility upon him, and to let him know that you trust him. "_

_-Booker T. Washington_

* * *

 

 

["Stockholm Syndrome?"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bNmPm74b92w) I asked.

"That's one possibility," Washu came back. "Though given your description, it would be a very unusual case since only a few criteria are fulfilled."

Once the shock of events had settled down, it was almost trivial to placate Motoko, who nearly cried herself back to sleep. Naru had wasted no time after that in filling me in on the details between thinly veiled insults.

For at least the first day after I had jumped out, Motoko had been convinced that I had 'EXPLODED' and was understandably in such a state of shock over it. After that, her personal habits deteriorated. She had become reclusive, jittery, and prone to nightmares. To make things worse, her normal habit of lashing out violently at Keitaro had all but ceased to be. Instead of putting him through a wall on principle, she started to break down, retreat to her room, and cry.

Knowing that what she experienced probably classified as 'watching a person die'. I could understand the shock she had, as well as the panic when I had reappeared.

However, this didn't explain why she tackled me in a fit of tears. Seeing as she previously wanted to kick my sorry ass half way across Kanagawa just for existing.

Then of course, there had been the Tokyo University Entrance Ceremony held two days later. Keitaro had broken his leg when part of the building landed on him. That gave me a rough idea of 'when' I was in this whole mess. Keitaro was stuck in the hospital, which kind of told me why Naru was more agitated than ever. She didn't have her favorite punching bag, Motoko was useless, and Su was running them ragged.

Now add my carcass showing up to the mess...

Throw a rock in a pond, and you'll have ripples.

Washu had told me that the principles of The Butterfly Effect tended to be exaggerated when it came to long term temporal mechanics, but I think she was referring to world-altering events such as the issues presented by the dimensional relocation of ONE rainbow crystal... Not isolated 'family' groups such as this.

None the less, I followed her instructions once things were settled down, and had given the scientist a call just as soon as I had managed to untangle myself from Motoko.

We were discussing the issue in English, as I felt that should Motoko wake up and overhear the conversation, it would only get worse. The unintelligible discussion had gotten me a few odd looks from Luna, who sat at the table near me while Shinobu (not so scared of me since it was now obvious I wasn't anywhere NEAR as bad as first thought) cooked breakfast. To tell you the truth, I found that despite my mind being programmed to speak fluent Japanese, I was far more animated when I was speaking in English. My body knew the motions to match my thoughts so much clearer. The resulting head bobs, hand twirls and chops, finger taps... All that... It all just came so naturally. The contrast between that and the rather dull way I had been speaking the last few days was so great that I had actually noticed it to begin with.

"I'd need to examine her personally to be certain," Washu continued. To Shinobu, it looked like I was just talking on a blue-tooth cell phone. "I can't make an accurate diagnosis of her mental state from here. More likely than Stockholm Syndrome though, is that she's formed an emotional attachment to you because you undermined her psychological defenses."

"Is that even possible?" I asked. "I barely had any contact with her at all."

"Mutual high-stress experiences and underlying emotional issues can exacerbate the situation," Washu instructed. "Psychological bonds are easily formed between people in such situations even in the shortest amount of time. For example, after you fought that monster... Tell me. Did that girl, Rei... Did she dote on you?"

"Uh..." I blinked. "Yeah actually. Now that I think of it... I was so tired I didn't even realize it."

"Same thing," Washu pointed out. "Different scenario. In that case you shared an extremely stressful experience, combat, and formed a very quick bond, if only to survive. In this case, you exercised a self-defense tactic that cut through all her emotional and psychological defenses. In layman's terms, you conducted a near flawless performance of psychological warfare."

"All I was doing was trying to keep her from beating the crap out of me," I threw back. "I wasn't trying to break her."

"And you used your in-depth knowledge of her as a character as a basis for that right?" Washu asked.

"Yeeeah..." I responded slowly.

"There you go," Washu concluded. "You applied the knowledge equivalent to someone who's known her all her life. And she had no ability to reciprocate, and absolutely no psychological defense against it. As a result, you stripped away all her emotional defenses like paper machete in your attempts to weaken her resolve to 'beat the crap out of you', and confronted what I believe to be the scared, lonely girl under it all."

God dammit. I did in two minutes what took Keitaro two years.

"And then you did the absolute 'worst' thing you could have possibly done to her," Washu continued.

"What?" I asked.

"You were NICE to her," she concluded. "Just like Stockholm syndrome... You made her vulnerable and then exercised compassion and kindness. The difference though, is that your kindness was not, and is not subjective to the situation. It was REAL kindness."

"So," I learned my head into my hand. "In summary..."

"She's infatuated," Washu finished.

'Thud!'

Shinobu looked over at me as my head slipped out of my hand to bang against the table.

"Great," I continued, picking my head back up. "So now she 'wants' me?"

"Might not be quite like that," Washu corrected. "It might be more akin to a parental or sibling bond. Either way, it's an emotional attachment. The shock she received when you vanished last week and reappeared might have exaggerated her initial emotional response to your presence. Like I said, I'd need to see for myself to make any accurate conclusions. It's possible that once she gets over the initial shock, she'll normalize."

Okay, that's good to hear. So at best, she'll return to normal. But-

"What's the worst-case scenario?" I asked.

There was a pause. A long pause.

"Crippling emotional dependency," Washu finally began in a more serious tone. "Near obsessive desire for your presence at all times leading to a state of depression in your absence. If not corrected... Leads to potential substance abuse, poor decision-making with the possibility of entering into an abusive relationship. Alienation of her family, unplanned pregnancy... And that's the short list."

"Fuck." I commented flatly. Luna turned her head, seeming to recognize the swear.

"Still," Washu's voice recovered some life. "That is a WORST CASE scenario. It assumes the extremely unlikely chance that her state continues to deteriorate to the point that she is no longer psychologically capable of defending her vulnerabilities. Normally you need a seriously screwed up environment and ongoing hostile conditions to push the psyche that far. More likely she'll just try to get you into the sack. Same thing Ayeka and Ryoko tried with Tenchi."

'Thud.' I applied my forehead to the table again.

"Not encouraging Washu," I commented when I recovered.

"You can't tell me you don't like that idea," she jabbed playfully. "I've been studying your behavior around Ayeka. You hide your desires extremely well with that facade of yours, but it'll take more than that to sneak it past me. I've been around a while."

"Not funny," I quipped in a cold tone.

"Actually it's extremely funny," Washu continued. "From that whole conventions point of view anyway. But despite what you may say, your behavioral patterns are more honest than you are. You might not want to admit it, because your mind may still be suspending the thought that we're all fictional, but you have to face the facts. Everyone is real, and you like the attention."

'Thud'

"What I like is invernerial," I came back up. "I don't need to be breaking characters and settings for my own personal enjoyment."

"What benchmark do you use to decide what is broken and what isn't?" Washu asked.

"These are set stories," I replied.

"Says what? Your manga? Your DVDs?" Washu chided. "I don't know where you get it in your head that these timelines are set in stone, but your very presence has already thrown them off."

"I know," I countered. "But these are people's LIVES I'm playing with. That's why I need to do as little damage as I can and put things back the way they were."

"You might as well climb Mt. Everest in nothing but swim-trunks," the scientist admonished. "You are under no obligation to put a timeline in a specific order. There is no 'destiny', there are no time police watching you. Any who claim that are simply watching out for their own agendas."

"But-" I began.

"No buts," Washu interrupted. "You should be watching out for yourself, and only yourself. I know it sounds a touch cruel and selfish, and I can understand your moral point of view, but really... What's a few altered timelines? When you've run through these stories all the way to their ends, what happens after? Ultimately, in the end, the universe just does not care about the story going one way or another. If it concerns you so much, just worry about making sure you don't kill any planets. It is perfectly acceptable to screw around with timelines and be completely moral about it. Ruining a timeline so that person X is never born does not make you a murderer. Otherwise, everyone would be guilty of murder because of all the timelines that never were. Just be true to your moral standings in the linear sense."

"My moral standings on the linear sense include not ruining the lives of innocent young ladies," I snapped. "I'm not retroactively erasing Motoko-"

Shinobu looked over at the mention of the swordswoman's name.

"-From existence. I hurt her, mentally. And if she gets attached to me, there's a strong possibility that I'm going to hurt her MORE. I can't accept that; it's not who I am."

"Now you're being honest," Washu commented. "You couldn't care less about the timeline. Even if you see her as a character of fiction, you care about her well-being as a human being."

"I-" I began, but stopped.

"Don't let causality be your excuse," Washu instructed. "Smart as you are, you cannot even begin to grasp the complexity of it. Stay within' your scope. You do what YOU think is right."

"Well," I began after a pause. "I think unscrewing Motoko's psyche is the right thing to do."

"That's your decision then," Washu was probably nodding sagely. "I'm willing to surrender to you that having her becoming emotionally attached to you in this fashion is not healthy at all. So if you want to fix her up, you'd best provide a good way for her to rebuild her emotional defenses."

"I'm not qualified to attempt psycho-therapy." I replied. "I know her... CORRECT personality well enough, but just as likely as not I'll end up doing irrecoverable damage."

"Not all emotional issues require a doctorate in psychology," Washu replied. "Just good, caring support."

"And if I get stuck with Motoko liking me?" I asked.

"Then Motoko likes you," Washu concluded. "It's not like that's a bad thing. You were probably trying to get her to either like you, or at least not hate you. You certainly did that with Ayeka. Impressive too considering you managed it in under twelve hours. I've never seen her act quite the way she did. She might actually like you a little."

'Thud'

"You really need to stop doing that," Washu chided as I lifted my head back into my hand. "You've only just healed from a skull fracture."

"You don't see anything wrong with the princess transferring her affections for Tenchi onto me?" I asked.

"Oh she loves Tenchi with all her heart," Washu laughed. "By no means does that mean she can't grow to care for others at the same time."

"In the wonderful world of Tenchi Muyo," I began in a deadpan tone. "There is no such thing as a single mate..."

"Heh..." Washu laughed. "The family tree around here isn't the most clear-cut, is it?"

"At least you notice..." I sighed. "The controversy of the Masaki Family Tree is a topic of EPIC proportions back home."

"Hey, whatever works," Washu sounded like she shrugged it off. "Anyway, enough of that. There's a reason I wanted you to call me."

"Yeah," I continued, glad for the change in the topic. All this talk of whom I liked and who liked me was becoming uncomfortable.

"Since we know you're jumping now," she continued. "I placed a small dispenser in your pocket before you left. It looks like a fat silver pen, but it isn't."

"Hold on..." I began.

I raised my left arm and checked clearance before I pushed the button, opening the shimmering, warped little portal into my pocket and took a glance. All my things were there. It was kind of weird the way they looked to be sitting in a black void that shimmered with rebounding light from the outside. It almost made my eyes water. However, floating in the void clipped to my backpack strap, was the object Washu described. Unsure as to how it would feel, I reached in to the shimmering hole in space and grabbed the 'pen', yanking it free of the strap with almost no effort. There was no odd sensation as far as I could tell.

Once I retrieved the item, I had to stop and settle my pack to prevent it from tumbling around inside the pocket-like space. Everything was just floating as if in zero-G. Once it was settled, I finished by sealing the portal again... Okay, open once, and close again.

I still couldn't get over it. That was just so freakin' cool...

Laughing at the little fun tech-toy, I almost didn't notice I had an audience. Shinobu had frozen stock still at the sight. Gaping open mouthed at what I had just done, looking a little shaky. Poor kid was so easily frightened of anything strange... That reminded me. Maybe I should be a little more careful about where I use some of the more flashy technology. This kind of stuff could easily attract the wrong kind of attention.

Making eye contact with her, I merely shrugged.

"Don't over think it," I warned. "It's just a fancy pocket."

Shinobu nodded mutely, obviously not registering my advice.

"Never mind," I shook my head. I think I'll just let her bluescreen for a while... I've got a Mad Scientist Goddess on the line running up her interdimensional AT&T bill.

"Okay I have the pen," I commented, twirling it idly. "What do you want me to do with it?"

"It's very simple," Washu replied. "The pen contains a dozen more beacons that transmit data on their surroundings much like the first one."

"I take it you want me to drop a beacon somewhere in each universe I go to?" I asked.

"Yes," Washu stated. "Just thumb the top like any typical pen, and it'll drop and activate a beacon pellet. I can deal with the rest."

"Any particular place you want it dropped?" I inquired. "The front garden, the kitchen sink, the surface of the sun... Or does that matter?"

"As close to your landing point as possible," the scientist advised. "The girls you land next to might be acting as some sort of anchor. One of the intermingled astral patterns in your scan is actually Ayeka's. If I can get reliable data on them, I might have a hypothesis."

Hmmm... Linked to Ayeka? If I'm linked to Ayeka, and that in turn links me to the others...

"Now that you mention it," I began. "I jumped back to Ayeka, and now back to Motoko. Same order as before. If that's the case, I might just jump back to Those Who Hunt Elves next."

"I'll see if I can get any other patterns sorted out from your records," Washu advised. "Get that beacon as close to where she stays as possible. That'll get me a clear picture of her astral pattern."

"Right," I sighed. "Her room..."

"Most likely," the scientist agreed. "Oh, and don't forget to practice at your higher strength settings."

"Right." I almost broke my neck because of that.

"Catch you later," Washu chirped.

'Click'.

"Not while she's asleep in there though," I pondered aloud. I've learned quite well what pressing my luck would do. Thank you very much.

Sighing and looking up, I noticed the smell of something scorched. Don't tell me...

Glancing again at Shinobu, I discovered she was still stuck in an infinite loop.

"Hey Shinobu," I waved my hand. She didn't quite react. "Hellooo? You awake?"

She finally blinked and focused on me after I practically tapped her on the nose.

"Hey!" I continued, pointing at the stove. "What are you disintegrating?"

Shinobu 'Eeped' and spun, quickly yanking the pan she was cooking on away from the heat. Mmm... Carbonized fish. Knowing my luck, that would be designated my breakfast simply to be able to dispose of it. Nothing like charcoal to get you going in the morning. All part of a balanced breakfast...

"So what did Washu say?" Luna piped up, catching my attention. I turned to give the feline-now-girl a non-plussed look.

"She said not to make excuses for myself," I sighed, "That and typical fictional Aesop drivel: 'Be true to yourself' and all that."

"That doesn't seem all that helpful," Luna shook her head.

"I'm paraphrasing," I replied. "Long and short of it is that I've inadvertently done psychological damage. Now I get to figure out how to fix it."

"That sounds like an absolute blast," Luna responded sarcastically. "Did she at least give you an idea on how to do that?"

"Rebuild her emotional defenses," I answered.

"How exactly do you do that?" the advisor asked.

"Don't know," I admitted. "Depends on how screwed up she is. For all I know, this could be a cakewalk, or it could prove impossible to the point of needing to break out the pointy sunglasses."

"I'm afraid I don't follow," Luna shook her head.

"In-joke," I waved it off. "Never mind. Suffice to say this makes things more complicated. On top of the issues we've got to deal with, now I've got a new problem. And I might be the only one who can fix it."

"Are you sure that YOU have to take care of it?" Luna asked.

"I don't HAVE to," I pointed out. "I could always point her at a psychologist and say 'GIT!' But psychiatric care costs money. Absurd amounts of money... That could just make things worse for her. On the other hand, I specifically know the difference here between what is right, and what is messed up. That makes me the best person for the job."

"You're certain?" Luna asked.

"Considering I messed things up," I put my head in my hands again. "It falls upon me to fix it. As they say: You break it, you own it."

"You broke Motoko, so now you have to fix her?" Luna asked. "I'd have to disagree. You were just protecting yourself. She's not your responsibility."

"Maybe not," I began. "But how would you like it if I decided getting that rainbow crystal back wasn't my responsibility either? You've seen your show; you get the gist of it. Remember, without the crystal, Usagi doesn't get her silver crystal. Without that, Metallia will crush her. Game over. You want that?"

Luna fell silent.

"Didn't think so," I shook my head. "If I'm responsible for something going wrong, I'm damn well going to fix it. Mark my words."

'Clink'

I looked up as Shinobu set a plate down in front of me.

"What's this for?" I asked.

"I-I couldn't help but overhear how you want to help Motoko," she stuttered. "I don't really know anything about most of the stuff you're talking about. But I th-think it's a nice thing you're trying to do. So I figured you'd want something to eat."

She's still scared of me...

"Thank you very much," I nodded, placing a smile on my face. "Sorry if I scared you guys. It's a long story."

I've got to work on Shinobu a little. At least come across as a big cuddly teddy bear rather than a real one. I'd rather her not be scared of me. I'm not all that scary...

Am I?

Shinobu turned back to her cooking, allowing me to look back at the plate she'd set before me.

It was the burnt fish... Though it had been seemingly quickly and carefully cleaned of the scorched parts. I can't hold it against her. She's the daughter of a chef. She doesn't want to waste food, and she doesn't want to serve people messed up food. This was a go-between.

Still, all this seafood and rice. What I wouldn't give for a nice juicy steak right about now. Or maybe a burrito... Yeah... A burrito with lots of pepper-jack cheese. A nice, filling, artery clogging burrito.

Okay, stop. Wishful thinking will get you nowhere. I'm not in any position whatsoever to make special requests on food. Either I eat what I'm given, or I can starve. I can't buy food. I need money.

Money... I need to find a way to make a little cash. If only to buy a little food for myself, or help pay for food I consume. Something... I can't expect to last very long living on kindness and offers to help do things.

Turning to Luna to comment on the issue of money, I came face to face with a rather curious sight.

Luna was staring at my plate.

I looked down at the fish, then back up at her, then at the plate again. I've seen this look before. My dog does it; my dad's cat does it.

"Hungry?" I asked. Luna jumped when I spoke, then turned away looking slightly embarrassed.

"Of course not," she responded. "We only just ate a few hours ago."

Okay, I'm nobody's fool. That was a barefaced lie if I ever saw one.

"Here," I slid my plate over to Luna. "Help yourself."

"I said I'm not-"

'Grurgle...'

Luna turned beet-red at the sound, at which point I smirked slyly and raised my eyebrow. Do characters from these worlds have some kind of trigger mechanism that makes their stomach growl whenever they try to deny being hungry? It's like a 'growl on command' or something.

She was right though. We only ate a few hours ago relative. I was a little hungry, but not as hungry as she looked when she finally gave up and virtually pounced on the fish.

Hmmm... I wonder how much energy she's burning in that form. Physical strength is not free, and she's definitely stronger than a normal human like I expected, considering the way she nearly tossed Naru like a sack of potatoes. Given the likely higher muscle density, and the resulting metabolism, she'll probably need three to four times what I eat a day if she maintains that form at all times. And given the carnivorous nature of cats in general, It'll have to be more protein than starch. Which means meat or beans. And I've not seen many cats eat beans.

Man, pet sidekicks are expensive to feed.

While Luna went on to attack the food I'd given her like she hadn't eaten in three days, I pondered more on her Feline tendencies. As a cat, she was essentially just target practice. She massed too little to be even an effective projectile, and wasn't even strong enough to challenge other small animals.

In her human form however, she was strong as an all star athlete, and still had the grace and balance of her feline nature. But what are her reflexes? Motor impulse depends a lot on the time it takes for a signal to make its trip from the brain to the muscles. Luna definitely had higher reflexes in her feline form because of her small stature. Plus the advantage whiskers give in detection air current motion. If she kept even a fraction of that reaction speed despite her much larger humanoid form, not only would she be strong and agile, she'd be lethal-fast.

There was no doubt. Luna was a predator.

That being the case, she'd be one vicious fighter when cornered. Considering she'd have the speed and power of a black belt before she ever even got the training...

And if she got that kind of hand to hand fighting training...

I'd have to look into this. Returning Luna to her home universe with that kind of fighting prowess had just too much potential to ignore. I kind of feel sorry for Usagi though. Now that Luna's transformation was fixed, the blond princess won't be able to blow the advisor off. Push comes to shove, Luna's one loud pop away from dragging Usagi off to some kind of practice or training, kicking and screaming the whole way.

Heheheheh... That's a mental picture I'd almost pay to see.

"What?" Luna asked around a mouth full of fish. "Whashofunny?"

"Nothing..." I commented off-hand. "I just find a lot of things amusing."

Luna chewed for a few seconds while staring, then swallowed.

"Anything you find amusing is more than simply 'nothing'." She pointed out. "Care to enlighten me on the joke?"

"Not really, no," I smirked back. "I'm going to wait and see if my hypothesis is correct before I let you in on it."

Luna scowled at me, then returned to her meal. I continued to sit there for another thirty seconds before I heard someone moaning from just out the entrance.

"Good morning Motoko," Shinobu turned towards the entrance. "How do you feel?"

"Terrible," Motoko's voice came back as she walked into the kitchen area. "I had the strangest dream. That strange man-"

She froze when she caught sight of me.

"'Mornin!" I commented in English, waving a greeting.

Motoko's face drained of color.

Aw man... I hope she doesn't go off. Again...

"You feeling a bit better?" I asked as if nothing was wrong. In this kind of situation, it is prudent to behave with utmost care. If a person is in a borderline panic, behave as if you have everything well under control. Confidence inspires calm.

Motoko's face spoke volumes for what was going through her mind. And while she managed not to panic, it was obvious she was not exactly in complete control as she worked her mouth silently.

"You," she began at last. "Did you... Did I..."

"MEW MEW!"

Motoko didn't get to finish, as at that exact moment, Tama came flying through the kitchen. This wouldn't be too odd save for the fact that Tama is a small green and yellow hot-springs turtle. Did I mention that? Maybe I didn't. Well, I think Haruka commented on it. But still... A flying turtle, man... A FLYING TURTLE!

"Turtle!" Motoko yelped and backed away. However, Tama made no course to antagonize her normal prey. (I'm certain Tama knew quite well that Motoko was terrified of her, and utilized it for turtle-laughs.)

Instead, Tama quickly vanished out the exit. The reason why became clear a moment later. With a small roar like a lawnmower engine, one of Su's scaled down main battle tanks rolled into the kitchen. Su, and Sara, the latter of whom I had not noticed around the place until now followed it.

"After her!" Kaola announced with a flourish. "No turtle can escape the wrath of the Hinata Self Defense Force First Armored Cavalry Division!"

The hatch on the tank popped open. Out of the opening, Senbei rose up; wearing an overly decorated set of green combat fatigues with a helmet the fit him perfectly. The little demon-god was actually DRIVING the thing.

"General!" Senbei snapped. "The enemy is retreating towards the hot-springs. Requesting permission to engage!"

"Permission granted Major Catastrophe!" Su responded. Major Catastrophe? That's about as bad a pun as General Chaos... But somehow, it fit. "Head northwest to flank her while Colonel Sara and I prepare the main attack!"

"ROGER!" Senbei dove back into his tank with an overly flamboyant burst of Engrish. "For the Emperor!"

The tiny diesel (?) engine on the tank revved, and the vehicle powered out of the kitchen, forcing Motoko to dance out of the way as it moved towards the hot spring.

"I've officially seen everything..." I declared. A flying turtle being chased by a demon god driving a model tank, under the command of a hyperactive, magical, twelve-year-old girl who builds mecha. You can't make this shit up. And even if you could, you'd never be able to throw it together this way. What's next? Pink Elephants?

No, actually, Baby Acapulco back home already had one on their sign drinking margaritas. So I guess that idea's out...

I looked back at Motoko, who followed the tank with her eyes before looking back to me. I simply shrugged. The swordswoman stared back, then glanced at Luna, who simply kept eating. Then she looked back at me. Then her eyes began to widen as she connected the dots. It had not been a dream. Her face going crimson, she started to fidget in place, trying her best not to break down.

"I... I-" she began, choking before she could put out a coherent statement.

Then, with a shout of 'NOOOO!' she bolted from the kitchen. My hand found my forehead a moment later. That girl...

"Motoko!" Shinobu shouted after her. "What about breakfast?"

No answer... Only hollow footsteps thumping up the stairs.

"Great," I sighed, turning to Luna. "Now she's running from me."

"You better catch her then," Luna commented, eyeing more of the food Shinobu was cooking. "You can't fix her if you can't find her."

"Preaching to the choir," I replied, pushing myself up. "I think I know where she's going though."

Exiting the kitchen, I made my way to the stairs. This was more or less typical. Motoko had obviously gone into denial-mode. Knowing how she thinks, I'm willing to bet that she was busy telling herself that she did NOT throw herself into my arms this morning. That she did NOT cry herself to sleep. That there was no way she'd act like that around someone she barely knew. And if she was doing that, she was probably going to retreat to the rooftop clothesline to aggressively work it out with some exercise.

I paused on the second floor to think about that. That was more or less Motoko's standard defensive response to most problems she couldn't beat the crap out of. Maybe she wasn't as broken as I thought. Maybe I don't have to do anything.

Maybe... Better think on it...

Musing on it, I decided a quick detour was in order. While Motoko was on the roof, her room would be empty. That would allow me to drop off one of Washu's new beacons without having to explain myself. And if Motoko up and fixed herself, it might become hard to drop that beacon off later.

Wandering into her room, I took a quick look around as I whipped out the pen. Washu said to drop the little pellet off as close to the point of arrival as I could. This would mean her bed. However, beds get changed; futons get folded up, moved around, and beaten. If I put the thing under the pillow, or on the floor where the futon went, it would probably be found and thrown away as trash.

Some place close, but mostly untouched. Not her dresser, or her bookshelf... Nothing Su would get into.

Her armor? Maybe...

The armor was supported on a small stand just a foot from her futon. Yes, perfect... Nobody touched that armor; not even Su or Sara would dare mess with it under penalty of Motoko's wrath.

Whipping out the 'pen' from my pants pocket, I thumbed the top of it once, depositing a tiny little pellet the size of 6mm BB into my hand. Damn, the thing was tiny. Washu can get something this small to do everything she said it did?

Well, it WAS Washu. I'm wearing a suit she made that would make the Pentagon shit themselves if they ever knew about it. Even a fraction of the technology needed for any component of this thing was likely to be worth so much money, that I could be set for life if I sold it.

I wonder if Washu will let me keep the suit when this is all said and done.

Looking at the armor, I found a small nook in one of the lower pieces. I'm not familiar with the components of Japanese armor, but it was some kind of shin guard. With a quick shove, I stuck the small little pellet in place and stood up again. Mission accomplished... Now where's my medal?

Turning to leave the room, I returned my thinking to Moto-WHOA!

I froze as I caught sight of my face in a dressing mirror and quickly stopped to take a closer look.

Damn! As I ran my hand along my face, it occurred to me. No wonder I was scaring Shinobu. I look like a grizzly bear! When was the last time I shaved? Three, four days ago? It was when I had somehow managed to get back to my room exploiting Mitoto's weird translocational abilities.

That just wouldn't do! I can't walk around like this! I need a shave!

Checking clearance and opening my dimensional pocket, I fished around quickly for my backpack and retrieved my electric razor and its power cable from a side pocket, pausing only to smirk at the portal before I shut it.

With a quick glance, I found a power socket and plugged it in. Time to get rid of this shag carpet.

With a click, I turned the razor on.

And I promptly yanked the power cable out of the bottom when I realized it wasn't supposed to make 'THAT' sound.

Shit! I forgot! Japanese electrical supplies use a different voltage and frequency! Oh man, I hope I didn't fry my razor. That would be just my luck.

"Dammit," I growled, pulling the power cable out of the socket. Good thing this was designed to come apart like this. "Now how am I supposed to shave?"

"You can start by getting the hell out of Motoko's room!" Naru's voice cut into my thoughts.

I damn near jumped out of my skin, nearly knocking the mirror over in the process.

"Jesus Christ!" I swore in English before switching back to continue. "Don't sneak up on people like that!"

Naru simply glared at me from the entrance with a scowl that would have scared Hild.

"Just what exactly are you doing?" She asked.

"Trying to shave," I replied defensively, holding my razor up as evidence.

"In Motoko's room?" Naru interrogated. "You have some nerve!"

"But-" I began.

Shut up!" she snapped. "First you attack Motoko. Then you act like nothing ever happened and lounge around Hinata House like you own the place. Then you mess with her head more, and now you have the nerve to be messing around in her room! You're disgusting! If Keitaro and Haruka hadn't said you were okay, I would have thrown you out myself!"

"Hey!" I began. "It's not like I-"

"I don't want your excuses!" she snapped angrily, advancing on me rapidly and forcing me to take a step back. "You've been nothing but trouble from the moment you showed up! I don't care if you're some 'slider', or a covert government technology agent, or whatever you claim to be. Don't think I buy either story for even a second! I don't know how you're pulling off these tricks, but I'm on to you! And I will expose you if you cross me!"

What the hell? I know Narusegawa could be vicious. But this was absurd! I didn't do anything to deserve this!

"And if you so much as go NEAR Motoko," Naru continued. "I will beat the ever living shit out of you like the scumbag you are! Do you understand me?"

And without so much as giving me a chance to answer, Naru turned and stormed down the stairs. It took a few seconds before my face caught up with my mind, resulting in my mouth hanging open in a look of shocked disgust.

Kitsune, who'd witnessed the entire spectacle from just up the hall, wandered over and gave me a momentary appraising look before patting me on the shoulder.

"She's been worried about Keitaro," she commented. "She acts like she doesn't care, but I can see through that act. Just stay out of her way for the time being."

I slowly cranked my head around, face more or less stuck where I had left it.

Keitaro puts up with THAT?

I have new-found respect for the guy...


	8. Situation Normal

* * *

  **Chapter eight: Situation Normal**

_"Hey, maybe it's Karmic Balance. Since now I know I have much bigger LONG-TERM problems. I'll have less SHORT TERM ones..."_

_"No, no. Lasers, Aliens. I just flat out have problems."_

_"But I'm willing to SHARE MY PROBLEMS!"_

_**Sub-Machinegun fire...**_

_"See? Now we ALL have problems!"_

_\- Freeman's Mind_

* * *

 

 

"I think she hates me," I commented.

"What makes you think that?" Luna asked.

"Do you want me to name off the list of everything that's happened around here?" I countered with a question. "Or would you like to just take my word for it?"

"I think you're being hasty," the Felis-Sapien admonished.

"She threatened to beat the shit out of me in cold blood," I pointed out. "In this world, that's either a sign of affection, or unbridled hate. And I can tell you right now that she isn't making me chocolates up there."

No. Naru had not been making idle threats after the issue of her ultimatum. For two hours I made multiple attempts to get to the roof. And for two hours I found myself intercepted each and every time as if she knew exactly what I was thinking.

She said nothing through most of this. But then again, the look on her face as if murder might be on the menu didn't require anything being said. The times she did speak, it was to basically ask me 'What did I say?' and glare at me. Which only worked to piss me off.

Finally, she just started yelling at me any time that she saw me on the second or third floor, or heading for the stairs. It wasn't long after this before I just grabbed Luna and retreated to the teahouse for a strategy session.

I wasn't exactly afraid of Naru. No, there was nothing really scary about her compared to the likes of Hild, or Urd... Or the Numbers... And I didn't feel threatened by her the way I had around Motoko. I was more concerned with my own actions. One slip and my temper would get the better of me, and Naru would be lying next to Keitaro in a hospital bed. With the gear I had at this point, it would be absurdly trivial if I REALLY wanted to. Power-suit, explosives, firearms, antimatter, beam sword... Unlike my last visit, I was armed well enough to take on any given 'normal' human. Hell, I could take on actual military forces with some chance at winning since the suit can't be punctured. Not that I'm stupid enough to try that...

But considering I wasn't quite to the point where I'd be inclined to start solving all my problems with violence, I chose to get away from Naru rather than force a confrontation.

"It certainly didn't help things that you tried to shave in that swordswoman's room," Luna shook her head. "I have to ask, what were you thinking?"

"I was thinking I needed a shave," I shook my head as well. "I'm so used to it being a non-issue at home, that it didn't even cross my mind."

"Even when you're in other people's homes?" Luna asked incredulously.

"Like I said," I pointed out. "Didn't register. The thought never crossed my mind. It might as well be automatic. I didn't think about it. I just did it. I can be rather spontaneous like that at times."

"Ugh... So I noticed," the advisor laid her chin down on the table we were sitting at. "So what are you going to do now?"

"Don't know," I commented. "Whatever it is though, I have to be careful. Remember that initial punch she tried to throw when we appeared?"

"Yeah..." Luna rolled her head to the side. "What about it."

"Probably fatal if it connects," I warned. "Just like Ah My Goddess, there are events that happen to characters here that I can't survive. Naru can throw a move nicknamed the Iron Punch. It's a class of comedy-gag violence often called the Megaton Punch. If only for a second, she has the destructive force of a large truck packed into her fist. It's common for violent tempered females of this world to have a variation of this. Anyone who gets hit goes flying as if thrown by an explosion."

"Anyone who isn't you," Luna sat up seriously.

"Exactly," I nodded. "Back home, if I do something stupid, I might just get yelled at. Around here, even the simplest mistake or lapse in judgement might get me killed. The worst part of it is... As a comedy-gag, it's not controllable. And those doing it seem to have a mental blindness to it. Naru might well never realize that she can spontaneously deliver enough force to stop a car."

"But Washu gave you that suit for that, right?" Luna asked.

"Naru aims for the face," I shrugged. Luna fell silent.

"Hmmm..." Haruka wandered up to the table I had occupied, another cigarette in her mouth. "So it wasn't all in my head after all."

I turned to the teahouse manager with a puzzled look on my face, as did Luna.

"What's not all in your head?" I asked.

"I used to wonder," Haruka began, plucking her cigarette out of her mouth and holding it with two fingers. "Whenever I got angry with Seta, I'd just deck him. It always seemed like the right thing to do. You know, even though they teach us not to be violent with people and all that... It's always bothered me how he'd go bouncing like a rubber ball. Nobody else seemed to pay any mind to it though, so I just let it drop."

"You were aware of it before I appeared?" I asked. Haruka shrugged.

"I guess you could call it that," she then took a puff on her fag before continuing. "It was always a passing feeling. Like something was out of place. Like I said, nobody seemed to notice, so I let it drop."

"I wonder then," Luna piped up. "If that girl is aware of this in the same way..."

"Maybe," I began. "Maybe not. Haruka IS the Straight Man character of a Romantic Comedy. She might notice it because of the focus that comes with the 'job'."

Haruka snorted a laugh.

"I can't help but find it funny when you objectify me like that," she spoke after a puff. "Thinking like I'm a character of some manga just seems so off, but then, so accurate."

"And you don't seem the least bit bothered by it," Luna pointed out. "You're taking it rather well in fact."

"I'm the STRAIGHT MAN character," Haruka deadpanned around her cigarette, then removed it and smirked. "Nothing rattles me."

"Almost nothing..." I corrected, remembering some of the story line she got.

"Pardon?" Haruka asked, raising an eyebrow at me.

"Never mind," I waved it away rather than having to explain. "There isn't anything you can about Naru is there? I can't get near Motoko while she's acting as guard dog."

"No way," Haruka shook her head. "I told you last time. I'd help you once, but after that, getting along with them was your problem. Not mine."

I stared at her for a few seconds before replying. As usual, Haruka was going to sidestep the entire issue.

"Thanks bunches..." I commented sarcastically in English.

"You're welcome," she responded equally. True to form, Haruka didn't so much as show a crack in her stoic mask when she did.

I turned back to Luna to ignore the unhelpful one. If Haruka wanted to stay out of it, fine. But with the 'balance of power' in Hinata upset as it was, I could only imagine that it was a matter of time before the trickle-down affected her.

"Luna," I began. "You're an advisor... Advise something."

"Er... What?" She asked. "Advise you how?"

"You worked for the queen way back in the day right?" I pried. "Surely you had to play politics around the people in the court. If anything, politics involves mudslinging situations like this."

"Well," she thought for a few seconds. "My memory's still sketchy, but watching the show did a good job jogging it. I'm going to swat Artemis the next time I see him by the way... Now, for the most part, we didn't deal with too much open hostility. Serenity was pretty good about keeping a lid on that kind of thing. There were some of the usual rivalries and clashes of personality and method. But nothing quite this extreme."

"So how'd you handle the minor stuff?" I asked.

"Well," Luna shrugged. "Most rivals avoided each other, except when they were one-upping one another. When they absolutely HAD to interact without it turning into a competition, someone was usually around to act as a go-between."

"No special tricks?" I asked. "No ploys?"

Luna shook her head.

"I'm afraid not," she stated. "Serenity was really good at balancing that kind of thing. And when it actually did get out of hand, she was really good at strong-arming."

"Let me guess," I commented. "Really nice woman, but scary when angered, right?"

"She didn't get angry very often," Luna shrugged. "But I have seen it. That Belldandy girl reminded me a lot of the queen."

Ouch. I could still remember that brief look from Belldandy. The one that makes her more scary than Hild. Not because she'd be stronger than Hild, mind you. But because she'd probably just ignore the escalation of force and skip to full power...

"So does that leave us with anything?" I asked.

"I can try talking to Naru myself," Luna shrugged again. "I can't guarantee that she'll listen to me, but that's about the best advice I can give other than to simply avoid her completely."

I was afraid of that. I hate situations where my options are limited. To be frank, I still couldn't believe how screwed up this whole situation was. In order to help try and 'fix' Motoko, I had to catch her. In order to catch her, I had to get past Naru. Not that this would be hard enough, but Naru knew I was trying to approach Motoko. It's like a game of minesweeper, except the mine moves, you have a time limit, and you don't get any helpful numbers to warn you.

"Let's go," I pushed up off the table. "We'll just have to think as we go. If you can't talk some sense into her, you can always keep her busy."

"I suppose that's better than nothing," Luna nodded, getting up to follow me.

With the morning wearing on, and lunchtime still two hours away, it was rather chilly on the walk back up to Hinata. I hadn't really paid much attention to the climate over my aching body the last time I was here. But this time, I was aware of how nice and cool it was. I was kind of glad it was cool. I hate the heat.

It was strange though. Not just the universe hopping, but the climates. One world, its spring... Another world, its fall... Then it's summer...

That idle thought reminded me. All these seasons, all this weather, and my 'standard' clothing at the moment were a pair of pants and thin shirt. I should have packed a jacket. Especially if I really was going to return to Sailor Moon... I was so busy running and fighting when I was there. And afterwards, so tired that I hadn't even noticed it was cold. But I remember the fall leaves on the ground.

Washu's suit seemed to insulate a little, but the nerve sensations still made it feel cool. I'd at least need a jacket to 'feel' comfortable walking around.

Which again reminded me... In order to get a jacket, I'd either need to acquire one, or buy one. But buying one requires money. I don't have any money.

"Hey!" Luna interrupted my train of thought as we reached the top of the stairs. "Looks like you're in luck."

I followed her gaze and spotted Motoko out near the remains of the tree she took out last time I was here, back to us, looking around puzzled at the grass patch where I had ended up dozing off. I wonder what's going through her head at the moment.

"Hold up," I muttered, sticking my hand out to stop Luna.

We just stood there at the head of the teahouse stairs, observing Motoko as she continued to look around. She must be looking for something.

Her dagger?

Well, so long as I had it, she wouldn't be spilling her intestines, if that were what she was considering.

"Hey," Luna elbowed me in the side. "Instead of staring, why don't you go talk to her?"

"Hold on," I glanced at Luna in annoyance. "Let me make sure Naru's not going to do a flying-tackle out of a second story window or something."

Given Naru's habits today, I wouldn't be surprised. Wherever Motoko was, Naru wouldn't be far behind.

"I don't see or hear anyone else," Luna indicated while I looked around.

"She's got to be around here somewhere," I frowned. "Motoko being in easy reach is too convenient."

"It's not like she's going to be hiding in a bush waiting to ambush you," Luna rolled her eyes. "Stop being so paranoid."

"Paranoia keeps me alive," I pointed out.

"Paranoia also cripples your resolve," Luna countered. "Now go over there, and get this over with."

Cat-girl was right. Paranoia does cripple resolve, and ruins self-confidence. That leads to indecision. Indecision leads to hesitation. Hesitation leads to pain, and hurting, and death. At least, as far as I was concerned.

One last glance around and I started walking forward. About mid-way over, I paused. Motoko had her sword in her right hand. If I startled her, she might still jump and attack violently. Then again, she might run like a coward without thinking. Weighing my options, I decided my best bet would be to approach, but stay a bit outside of striking distance.

Once I got to a few body-lengths away, I was close enough to hear her muttering.

"Where IS it?" she asked nobody in particular.

"Lose something?" I asked to her back.

"Eep-!"

Motoko twirled around as she choked off a startled yelp, grabbing to draw her sword. However, she froze once she realized I was standing there. Naru was right; she's very jumpy.

"What are you looking for?" I asked, trying to break the ice. Motoko continued to stare for a few more seconds. Then she started to back away.

"You don't have to-" I began, stepping forward. But all that did was break her hesitation and she turned and bolted.

"Wait!" I snapped at her back, then growled to myself.

"Dammit..."

"Don't just stand there!" Luna shouted at me. "Go after her!"

Yeah yeah, I hear you! Sheesh, why can't this shit ever be simple?

I bolted after Motoko. Just a minor thing, I'm going to have to start working on my exercise more. After walking up those stairs, I had already drained myself a bit. And given the amount of running I'd been doing as of late, and how exhausted I keep ending up as a result, being out of shape just wasn't going to cut it. With a minor thought, I clicked my watch over to two-X to see what would happen. I almost fell over from the sudden seeming weight change, but managed to catch myself before I hit the ground. Immediately, I felt the results though. My legs didn't feel like they were working nearly as hard as I chased Motoko around the corner of the main annex and up the stairs dividing it from the west building.

"Don't follow me!" She snapped back when she realized I was giving chase, and put on a burst of speed.

Fine! You want to play this game? I can play this game!

I let Motoko round the corner, then spun and doubled back.

If she loses sight of me, she'll slow down. But she'll still head for whatever amounts to her personal sanctuary. That's one of three possible locations. One, her room... Two, the clothesline on the roof of the west annex building. Three, the onsen... Two of those three required her to go up the stairs.

"Now what are you doing?" Luna asked as I came running around the front and bounding into the main entrance.

"Playing TAG!" I replied with just a touch of sarcasm. If I could get to the stairs first, I stood a reasonable chance of intercepting Motoko. Then I could try and force her to talk if she's unable to retreat. I needed to-

"WHAT THE HELL!"

God dammit!

I caught myself and came to a stop just in time to see Naru come out of the kitchen glaring at me. I was forced to Hesitate just long enough to see Motoko come racing around a corner, glance at me for just a brief second as she did so, and then shoot up the stairs.

Naru glanced at the stairs, then looked at me, her eyes narrowing as she put two and two together.

[About FACE!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CFv7d-6GkaQ)

I planted my foot firmly, eliciting a 'tump' from the sound of my boot on the wood. A boot I knew I shouldn't be wearing indoors in a Japanese building. Oh I'm just giving Naru all kinds of excuses aren't I? Screw it, I'm not taking my boots off at this point. Right now, more pressing matters. Such as...

FULL. TACTICAL... RETREAT!

I pushed off and rushed out the front door like my life depended on it.

"WHY YOU! COME BACK HERE!"

"Not a chance in hell!" I snapped, bolting out the front door. I managed to anchor my hand against the frame and came swinging around as Naru dropped what she was doing.

Once again, the familiar routine... Running scared. Well, not so much scared this time as just wanting to avoid the mess. But still, running... The problem of course with running would continue to stem back to my fitness level as I had already pointed out. Motoko was a fit swordswoman, but even Naru had to be decently athletic to some minor extent. In fact, everyone here was probably fit, having to climb the main steps daily. And that alone was a three-story climb.

Either way, I was not fit for extended running, or stair climbing. And Naru would catch me, and beat on me for a while, or force me to fight back. I was trying to avoid that...

But then, I had an idea, I couldn't really outrun Naru in a straight sprint, but I'm sure that if it came to something that took more strength than stamina...

The trick kind of popped into my head about the moment I was chasing Motoko, but in my rushing around, I really hadn't thought about it in more elegant detail. The idea was actually pretty simple. It takes muscle power to climb a staircase on top of the stamina needed to run. When I flipped on my strength enhancement to keep up with Motoko's climbing, I had inadvertently stumbled on a use of strength boosting I hadn't thought about, but had logically put into practice. If I use strength enhancement to help me climb a staircase, I did less work.

Less work means I don't tire out so soon. Not tiring out means I don't have to out-run someone like Naru, I just have to out-last her. And considering all the staircases around Hinata, it would be a cinch.

Like I said though, my mind wasn't that elegant, so all I was really thinking was. 'I can just out climb her'.

In my mad-dash for the corner of the Annex, I reached for the watch-face. I knew I'd be a poorly coordinated mess, but I wasn't really concerned about looking all that silly in a flat out sprint.

I switched it up to Four-X as I ran at the staircase, placed my hand to the side in case I needed to balance and raced up the steps.

Well, that was the plan. Except instead of flying up the steps, I effortlessly cleared eight steps in a bound, and promptly tripped up on my landing, tumbling into the solid lips of several higher steps.

Whoa...

I didn't really stop to think about the full implications right there, as the landing kind of hurt, and Naru was rounding the corner. But in my head, one mischievous thought sprang to mind.

"Catch me if you can..."

Did I just voice that challenge out loud?

"You are DEAD!" she snapped. But I was on my feet again, bounding up the steps three at a time, trying not to stumble. In comparison, Naru was having a dogged time trying to follow. Once I cleared the top, I replicated Motoko's previous course and hung a right, sprinting along the back courtyard toward the far corner of the building. The interesting part is that it didn't FEEL like sprinting. At least, my legs didn't feel like I was sprinting. With Naru just clearing the stairs to tear-out behind me, I reached the building corner and made yet another hard right.

The plan forming in my head was simple. Hang a loop around Hinata; slip down the east stairs to the teahouse, with Naru just far enough behind to stay with me. And rocket up the main stairs. Repeat two, maybe three times, and see who drops dead from exhaustion first.

Unfortunately though, that plan never reached execution. On the eastern side of the annex, just after rounding the corner I tripped and stumbled on the uneven ground, and fell flat on my face when I attempted to compensate. These landings hurt! I'd have to see if Luna could help me with the Four-X routine like she did before.

Sprawled out next to a large bush, I quickly changed from my new evasion plan to a much simpler hiding routine, and rolled myself under it as fast as I could.

Naru came around the corner a few seconds later, huffing as she went past.

"You can't run forever!" she snapped angrily.

Oh but I can hide...

I waited a few minutes until her random violent death threats subsided, being replaced by a loud, angry conversation with someone near the front of the building. After a few more minutes and that too died off, I finally decided to switch off my strength enhancement.

That was kind of cool. I hadn't thought about strength enhancement being useful for improving running stamina. If I could use it to run faster, but you can only cycle your legs so fast... And that jump. Wow. If that was Four-X, I wonder what kind of height I could get with full power?

Landings would be a problem though.

"Hey," a foot suddenly prodded me in the back, making me almost jump out of my skin. Then I recognized Luna's voice. Damn she's so quiet. "You can come out now."

I rolled out of my hiding spot to look up at the cat-girl as she smirked wryly at my predicament.

"You found me rather fast," I pointed out.

"I can hear your breathing," she shrugged.

She still has feline hearing in human form too.

As I pushed myself to my feet. Luna simply sighed.

"Well," she began. "You certainly messed that one up."

"It wasn't a total loss," I smirked. "I learned a new trick."

"Really?" Luna looked surprised.

"Yeah," I grinned. "Strength enhancement makes running easier. Especially stair climbing... Not to mention I get a bit of a power jump out of it. I think I could get ten to twenty feet out of a jump if I used full power."

"That's good," Luna nodded. "Mobility is extremely important."

"No kidding," I smirked, wiping some mud off my clothes. Great, now I have to do laundry.

"What was Naru going on about a minute ago?" I continued. "Was she talking to you?"

"Yeah," Luna sighed. "She got fed up trying to find you and told me to keep you on a tighter leash."

I laughed.

"What's so funny?" Luna asked.

"Think kitty," I answered. "Think REALLY hard..."

Luna furrowed her brow in confusion for several long seconds. Then, finally, her currently human face lit up with the obvious human display of mirth.

"Telling the cat to keep the human on a leash," she laughed. "Priceless."

"Puns are a dime a dozen," I grinned. "Accurate puns out of the blue by the unwitting..."

Luna almost bent over double laughing at the simplicity of it. The universe was a strange place. The last week was living proof that fiction just couldn't match... No. That's night right... Fiction WAS reality right now. Or reality was fiction. It was all so confusing.

"Anyway," Luna recovered after a few more seconds of gasping. Come on, it wasn't THAT funny.

"Anyway, I think I might be able to talk some sense into her. I believe that she seems to think that I can deal with you, just from that comment alone."

"I'm a guy," I raised an eyebrow. "You're a girl, therefor, on 'her' side."

Luna nodded.

"A very basic social bias," she smirked. "She trusts me by default."

"Even though you physically tossed her like a plastic toy," I pointed out.

Luna shrugged.

"I doubt she even realized that happened in her fury," the felis sapien pointed out. "But a bit of leverage is a good start here. Now, if you'll excuse me for about an hour, I'm going to go get washed up."

I blinked as Luna changed subjects without so much as a pause.

"What? Now?"

Luna rounded on me and got right up in my face.

"Yes," she stated curtly, her eyes growing a kind of demented look. "NOW. I haven't had a bath in five days. Do you have any idea what that does to someone like me?"

I took a step back. Okay! No need to tell me twice. I understand. Five days and any normal human would feel dirty. I know I've been concerned with my hygiene enough to get it through my head. For Luna, it must be raw torture.

Still... My brain was having a hard time wrapping itself around one point. What a cat considered a bath...

"Oh don't even THINK it!" Luna snapped, reading the look on my face for sure. "Naru offered me the uses of that onsen. I've never been in one before. I'm not about to pass that up."

Well, that line of reasoning was fair enough, but yet...

"I thought you hated water," I began. "You're at CAT."

"We only hate it when we have to wander around shivering because our entire bodies are covered in soaking wet, matted down, FUR." Luna enunciated for clarity. "And right now, I have a form that I haven't had access to in ages. A form that most certainly won't take two hours to dry off."

And then her face went from harsh to a stupidly surreal smile.

"I plan to enjoy it... Wouldn't you do the same?"

I began making subtle shooing motions with my hands.

"Fine, fine, go get your bath." I shook my head. "Don't let me stop you."

As we rounded the front corner of the annex, Luna turned, and with more bounce in her step, went right in the front entrance.

Add Luna's need for a bath to the list of things that came with having a transforming cat-sidekick. Food, sleep, hygiene...

I hope for the sake of my own sanity, what's left of it, that this doesn't devolve to Pooper-Scooper duty. That mental image was just WRONG. I don't mean funny wrong either. I mean, ' What has been seen cannot be UNSEEN!' wrong...

Then there was Senbei. He was around here somewhere with Su and Sara. What did that guy run on? Was he powered by raw misfortune, or did he need to eat, sleep, wash, and all the biological processes that come with the territory of 'living thing' as well? He could survive being dumped into hard vacuum... But the more I pondered, the more some rather obvious situations popped up.

Those two had their natural abilities, but were both in positions to be provided for by their 'owners' in their worlds concerning the matters of the fundamental basics. Luna by Usagi, Senbei by... Whatever made Senbei tick. Nidhogg?

They weren't just my 'sidekicks'. I was responsible for their well being as much as they were responsible for mine.

Symbiosis...

The more I thought about this, the more it seemed like Team Management rather than Inventory Management.

Luckily, I was saved from any further over thinking by the sight of Kitsune, shit-eating grin plastered on her features, walking directly for me.

"Wow," she began once she got close enough. "I haven't seen Naru that angry since the day Keitaro showed up. If you're trying to out-do him, you're doing a good job. That was hilarious!"

"You don't even want to go there," I shook my head. "Last time I was here, Motoko almost put me in the hospital."

"Well," Kitsune pondered from behind her seeming permanent squint. "I admit I don't know what's really going on, but that whole thing about you testing military technology WAS a pretty good cover up if you'd only just kept up with it. How'd you manage to do that big jump? One of Su's inventions?"

"Wait," I began. "You saw that?"

"I was watching Motoko from the second floor," Kitsune laughed. "You have a lot of guts to approach her after everything that's happened. You like her, don't you?"

That's the second time I've been presented with that conclusion. Short answer, yes, yes I do. But not the way she's thinking.

"I'm just trying to fix the damage I've done..." I pointed out.

"You didn't say no," Kitsune grinned. Oh for the love of- Wait, this is Kitsune. She's looking for any reason to tease me. Well, I'm not going to fall into that trap.

"Yes," I stated in a matter-of-fact tone. "I like her. I like her the way she's supposed to be, not a nervous wreck that I've been told she's been like for the last week. Got a problem with that?"

"You don't have to get snippy," Kitsune's smile faded.

"I've been getting death threats from Naru all morning," I pointed out. "Wouldn't that make you a bit snippy?"

"Okay," Kitsune raised her hands in acceptance. "Point taken. But how exactly do you plan to 'fix' Motoko?"

I shrugged.

"You don't know?" Kitsune's eyes bugged out in disbelief.

"You've got to start somewhere," I pointed out. "I can't figure it out until I can at least talk to her. That's, kind of hard at the moment."

Mitsune Konno placed her hand on her chin in thought, her eyes returning to her trademark squint. It hadn't struck me before just how creepy that looked in real life. She looked barely awake.

"I suppose I could help with that," she began. "Motoko HAS been a bit reclusive the last few days, and without her, Su's been driving us up the wall..."

Any further thought was cut off by several loud sounds. The first of course, being Motoko's now easily recognizable shriek. The second, someone else's shriek...

This was followed by the distinctive thump of a hand grenade. Except nobody here should have any hand grenades... Well, maybe Su...

"What is Motoko doing now?" Kitsune asked in seeming annoyance.

Two and two makes four.

"She didn't go to take a bath when Naru started chasing me, did she?" I snapped.

"Well," Kitsune seemed surprised. "Yeah, it's the best way to relax around here when you're under stress."

Oh god, LUNA!

"Move!" I snapped, partially shoving Kitsune aside. "She thinks Luna's a demon!"

"Oh dear..." Kitsune appraised from behind as I shot in the entrance.

'THUM-CRACK!'

Typical! This is TYPICAL! Where's the onsen entrance? Wait, that's it right there.

I have to break those two up before either Motoko 'exorcises' Luna, or Luna manages to snap the swordswoman like a twig in self-defense.

'BAM!'

A piece of Motoko's signature concussion wind-tunneled through the changing room, popping my ears. Luna's yelp of terror was clear as day this time.

"Luna!" I snapped as bounded for the far do. "Run for it!"

[Half a second ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wuOuO5moZEQ)later, the girl came racing through, look of horror painted on her face.

Outside Context Logic hit like a ton of bricks, freezing me in place.

No... NO! Don't come running to me NAKED!

"She's insane!" Luna snapped as she placed me between herself and the far entrance. "Do something! Anything!"

NO! NO! You're going to set off a gag with me as epicenter!

"Come back here!" Motoko's voice snarled as she came through the entrance.

Oh. SHIT.

Let's review our checklist on this kind of thing.

\- Male Protagonist in the wrong place? Check.

\- Luna, Naked? Check.

\- Motoko, naked? Check.

\- Third party, attracted by the commotion and bound to misunderstand? Due any moment now...

Checklist complete.

Please stand by... Perverted gag in progress.

So there I was. Naked catgirl hanging off my shoulder, staring face to face with a naked swordswoman. As soon as she saw me, Motoko froze in place, flushing a shade of crimson.

I should avert my eyes out of courtesy, but I had absolutely no intent of letting them off Motoko's sword. There's no telling what might happen with her in this state, and I need to watch the motion of that weapon.

"She's trying to KILL me!" Luna breathed into my ear. Even I had to admit... That was inappropriately distracting.

"First," I began steadily, lest I shatter the seeming stalemate. "Turn BACK into a cat."

There was a loud pop like a balloon and a rush of air, and the weight Luna had been applying to my shoulders vanished. The sound served partially knock Motoko back to her senses. She began to back up, realizing that she was still fully NOT clothed and was staring down a male.

"Now," I began, trying to pace backwards. "We pretend this never happened."

I bumped into something behind me, and my heart sank. Of course... Why delude myself when I knew the punchline was already too far-gone?

"Caught you..." Naru stated in my ear. Oh, that was cruel irony on top of it. I can't believe I walked right into this one...

Then suddenly, it occurred to me. Clear as day.

No matter how seeming serious a problem might be, for all the grimdark my imagination could cook up with the help of Washu. No matter how hard I tried to fight it, to avoid it, to sidestep and dodge. The conventions would find a way.

A way to make it funny.

This was Hinata. This world is Love Hina.

It's all part of the routine...


	9. Like a Fox

* * *

**Chapter nine: Like a Fox**

_"When you look back on your life, it looks as though it were a plot, but when you are into it, it's a mess: just one surprise after another. Then, later, you see it was perfect."_

_\- Schopenhauer_

* * *

 

 

"I hope this doesn't become a habit of yours..." Haruka commented around her cigarette.

I turned a nonplussed look on the manager of the Hinata teahouse as I once again occupied a table. I wanted to say something sarcastic to her, but simply settled on a look that pretty much described how annoying this situation was becoming.

"I'm just saying..." she shrugged. "I know you understand I'm trying to do business here."

You might wonder how the hell I managed to escape the situation that had snowballed beyond my control so unbelievably fast... I could give stories on my cunning, skill, charm, wit, whatever... But sadly, none of that had anything to do with the fact that I was now safely back at what I had dubbed 'home base' here in the world of Love Hina.

Truth be told.

I was saved from 'Naru's Righteous Vengeance' by Kitsune, of all people...

That's Mitsune 'Kitsune' Konno. The mischievous trickster character who I could easily apply the battle buddy trust rhyme to.

'Trust your buddy with your life, not your money, or your wife.'

Which, comically enough, was indeed my life that was saved, so...

Yeah...

SHE saved me from Naru. How? Well, I almost didn't believe it myself. After walking right into that comedy-gag thinking Luna was going to be hurt by Motoko, the entire thing snapped shut on me as if it were planned all along.

There's a R.O.B. out there who I'm going to enjoy punching... I should start keeping a list of 'that was for-' phrases, in case one punch isn't enough to satisfy me.

Naru caught me exactly at the moment I should have expected. 'It's Not What it Looks Like' in full force, with me staring down a well armed, naked Motoko. I had frozen up, unable to decide what I should do. I knew that if I moved, she'd punch me. If I tried to talk, she'd punch me.

If I did ANYTHING, she'd punch me. I had no course of escape, no exit strategy at all. Sure, I knew the fact that the coup-de-gras for the whole thing might be averted by not overreacting to the punchline...

Problem with that was, I had already reacted... Retrospectively, I was screwed the moment I suggested that we forget what was happening. That would have been the moment that I would have broken down laughing at this situation. Provided it wasn't my ass that was about to get handed to me...

Motoko had bluescreened, so it seemed. Her mind was still at war with itself as to whether she should defend her modesty, or flee. But the entire time she kept her replica sword trained on me. And the entire time she was blushing furiously.

The damned stalemate lasted for what seemed like forever. I think it was twelve seconds though...

But through all this, even with Naru literally breathing down my neck, the killer blow never fell. I couldn't figure out why. The gag was complete. The only thing missing was the slapstick violence.

Even as I noticed that, I started weighing my options for preemptive counter-attack. Could I really do that? On one hand, I'm in deep shit, and I need to defend myself before she kills me. On the other hand, if I hurt HER, whether she actually intends physical harm to me or not, I could land my self in deeper shit. Or a violent reaction on my part could snap Motoko out of her mental funk in a manner not conducive to my survival in the next forty-five seconds.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't...

I was saved from that decision when Kitsune interrupted forcefully and told Naru to knock it off. Part of me practically shouted in joy the moment I realized she was in the room too. Because my mind instantly understood...

I had an alibi!

Friggin' SAVED!

Kitsune pointed out to her best friend in a surprisingly sharp tone that I hadn't done anything wrong here, and that I was simply trying to protect Luna.

"But he's-"

"No buts Naru! I was standing right there when it happened."

Kitsune calmed her friend down, pointing out the cat cowering on my shoulder, once again reminding Naru of my strange story. Again faced with overwhelming evidence in my favor, Naru backed down. But she wouldn't leave the room. Not while I was still there. Not with Motoko 'vulnerable'...

"Motoko, dear..." Kitsune began in a well-acted conversational tone. "You can go back to your bath now."

At the same time, Kitsune interposed herself between the swordswoman and myself, grabbed me by the shoulder, and forcefully turned me around.

"Let's go," she directed. "Nothing to see here. Move along..."

One step... Not dead; not killing anyone. Two steps... Past Naru. Do NOT make eye contact. Three steps... Four, five...

Out of the changing room. Out of sight. Out of danger.

Five minutes later, I was staring at Kitsune across the table from me; Luna was curled up in a chair nearby passed out. I was saved, but at what cost?

Yeah, I should be grateful, but my understanding of Kitsune's character had me just a bit on edge. She had some ulterior motive, right? Kitsune never did anything for free...

Or was I just being paranoid after what had just transpired?

"So tell me," she continued as Haruka walked away to tend a customer. "How's that thing work?"

"The suit?" I asked, looking at the part that was exposed on my arms.

"Yeah," she nodded. "We got interrupted before, but I figured out you did that jump using that weird suit. You weren't wearing it last time. Is it one of Su's?"

"No," I shook my head. "Something Washu made for me to help protect me from comedy routines in these worlds."

"These worlds..." Kitsune furrowed her brow. "What you said this morning, you were serious?"

"It's complicated," I sighed. "But yes. The long and short of it is I'm spontaneously hopping from world to world. And every world I land in is a world of fiction back home."

"Hmph..." Kitsune snorted what sounded like a suppressed laugh. "I don't see what's worth watching or reading about around here..."

"Seriously?" I cocked an eyebrow. "No really, seriously? With all the entertainment you get just watching Naru pummel Keitaro daily, you don't see the entertainment value for people in another world?"

"Okay," Kitsune shrugged. "You have a point there. I can see why people would find us entertaining."

Then she paused and leaned in conspiratorially.

"What genre?" she asked.

"Isn't it obvious?" I replied. "Romantic Comedy."

"Hmmm..." She nodded. "Fanservice?"

"Butt-loads," I responded. Wait-

Whack!

Kitsune blushed a bit as she shoved me away, causing my chair to tip backwards. Luckily, I caught the edge of the table with my knee and kept from being bluntly dropped to the floor.

"You naughty boy!" she grinned mischievously. "I didn't realize..."

"Oh grow up," I interrupted, shaking my head. "That's the second time someone's realized that little point. And I'm not in the mood for it. Not right now..."

"Okay," she dropped the act, but was still a bit flushed. "So we're a world of fiction to you, is that how you seem to know what you're doing?"

"Yeah," I nodded. "Last week, I was doing my best not to get killed."

Kitsune's flush faded as she stared at me puzzled.

"You mean Motoko?" she asked.

"Yeah," I nodded. "Remember when I commented about a hand grenade?"

Kitsune nodded, totally engrossed in what I was telling her.

"You mean her little sword technique right?" she began. "You weren't speaking as well as you seem to do now, but you commented on a hand grenade..." She paused, then looked me in the eye. "Comparing it?"

"Yeah..." I nodded, emphasizing it as an understatement. "The details are complicated, but you guys can take that blast easy... Me? Well, Zan-Ma-Ken will do to my body what it normally does to the walls, the rocks, and everything else."

Kitsune winced.

"And the entire time Motoko was just itching to beat you up," she concluded. "You must have been terrified."

"Somewhat," I sighed. "But then I got really pissed off at the unfairness of the universe and took her up on it."

"You WHAT?" Kitsune blinked. "I'm no expert, but you barely beat her unarmed. How did you manage to win?"

"I didn't," I pointed out. "Motoko pretty much had me owned in the first few moves, so I just gave up. She didn't like that, and threw a tantrum because I wouldn't fight back."

Kitsune blinked.

"You're kidding..."

"I shit you not," I rested my elbows on the table. "And she REALLY didn't like it when I called her out on it... Called her a bully. In case you didn't notice, there's a missing tree out front where she blew a gasket."

There was a pause.

"Wait a minute," Kitsune began at last. "You mean to tell me that Motoko's been moping around for a week because you called her out on her attitude?"

"I wouldn't say it's that simple," I shrugged. "But, yeah. Plus my sudden vanishing probably didn't help. I keep getting told it sounds like a large balloon being popped."

"Okay..." she sat back, placing a hand on her chin in thought. "But then, why did she throw herself at you this morning like that?"

I shrugged. I don't really feel like going over the psychological issues laid-bare this morning. It presented too many uncomfortable issues for myself. I was in control of the situation, and she was emotionally vulnerable, so she latched on to me in her shock as a result. I'll leave it at that.

Kitsune seemed to decide on something, and looked me dead in the eye. Oh damn, her eyes are open.

"Okay," she began. "I'll help you deal with Naru if you can deal with putting Motoko back the way she belongs."

That was out of left field... Kitsune doesn't just offer to help. What's-

"What's your angle?" I asked suspiciously.

"What?" she asked.

"You don't have the nickname 'fox' for nothing," I tapped the table. "Remember my perspective here..."

"Oh," she blushed. "Right... You would know how we are that way wouldn't you?"

"Exactly," I nodded. "So just give it to me straight. What are you getting out of this?"

"Well," she began, her eyes returning to a squint as she cast a glance at the ceiling. "With Motoko back to normal, Su won't pester us so much so-"

"Quit lying," I interrupted in an annoyed tone.

"You're kidding!" she snapped her look back at me. "I wasn't-"

"You had to think about what you were saying," I pointed out. "And you failed to make eye contact while doing so. I KNOW how you are, so I'm on my guard. Trust me, I've already dealt with someone who makes your skills look like tinker toys. Now give it to me straight."

"Okay!" Kitsune seemed a bit rattled. Yeah, after dealing with Hild, Kitsune's fibs were rather obvious. This time, she cast her eyes down, not quite making eye contact, obviously embarrassed to be caught so easily.

"I was going to hold you to a favor," she began. "A person who hops worlds HAS to be coming across some cool stuff."

That's what I thought...

"So," I began. "You want me to grab you a souvenir, is that it?"

"Nothing much!" she replied defensively. "If you happen to find some priceless jewel, or some neat magical artifact..."

"The only priceless jewels slash magical artifacts I've come across can be considered super weapons," I advised. "I'm not giving you, or anyone else for that matter, any objects that would allow you to run around conquering planets."

Great, now I sound like Washu's argument for not giving me that body enhancement. Gotta' love playing the part of the Responsible Adult don't we? As that thought struck me, I noticed Kitsune seemed to take pause at my statement. Probably imagining herself as Queen Kitsune, Master of the Universe.

"Forget the world domination fantasy," I stated nonplussed. "Conquering the world is the easy part. Running it however, is way too much work for what it's worth."

"Yeah," Kitsune nodded. "You're right about that. Just being in charge of Su is hard enough. What worlds have you hit? Would I know any?"

"Let's see," I furrowed my brow. "Tenchi Muyo, Those Who Hunt Elves, Sailor Moon, Ranma-"

"Ranma?" her face brightened.

"You've read that manga?" I asked.

"Used to swipe copies from a friend of mine," she shrugged. "Always enjoyed how Nabiki manipulates everyone for money."

Figures...

"Maybe you can get your hands on one of those ancient Chinese artifacts," she continued. "They seem to have an endless supply of them turning up all over the place. Just one of those would be worth a fortune here."

"Deal," I stated, realizing something important in what she just said. "But nothing dangerous."

"Deal," she replied back. "I'll take care of Naru, and you promise to bring me back a cool Chinese trinket. Nice doing business with you, you hungry?"

"I don't think Shinobu's done with Lunch yet," I pointed out.

"I was thinking more of something Haruka can whip up." Kitsune snapped up a menu.

"If you're trying to get a free meal out of me," I began. "I'm broke. Hopping worlds is not exactly compatible with my bank account."

"Oh don't worry," she shrugged. "I figure you would have seen through that anyway. This one's on me."

"Aren't you normally broke most of the time too?" I asked. "I doubt freelance writing pays much beyond the rent."

"It's okay," she waved it away, now hidden by the menu. "Haruka'll just make me work it off like she always does. I'm not afraid to work. I just hate sticking to the same old routine day in and day out. It's boring."

It clicked, and I smiled knowingly at the menu in front of me. Little Fox...

"And you get an extra favor out of me for the meal too..."

"What EVER made you think I would go and do something like that?" she asked in a completely faux innocent tone. Yeah, she knew what she was doing. She wasn't about to walk away without the upper hand if she could help it.

"I'll let it slide," I picked up another menu, and immediately frowned. I still couldn't read it. I'll have to ask Haruka if she can whip up a burger and some fries if it wasn't too inconvenient. All this Japanese cuisine was really starting to make me miss home.

"Just one thing," I realized. "Pick something that's quick to cook. I don't have all day, and I mean that in a literal sense. I want to be attacking this problem as soon as I can."

Okay, so Kitsune isn't as bad as I had imagined. But then again, she still behaved true to her character. I'm going to have to watch people more carefully for this kind of thing. Humans are not personality templates. Even Kitsune has a logical reasoning behind her actions.

That means Naru does too...

Naru thinks I'm dangerous, that I'm a threat. So long as she perceives me as a threat, she's going to 'protect' anyone else who's vulnerable.

So if she DIDN'T see me as any kind of threat...

I think I'm sensing the beginnings of a plan here.

Yes. If nobody considers me a threat, if I'm buddy-buddy with everyone, then she'll probably relax. Considering how things are around here, I'm already half way there. Kitsune's on my side. Su's already filed me away as a plaything. (Thank GOD Senbei's keeping her busy... Or should I be thanking Hild?) Haruka... Haruka's Switzerland -neutral... Motoko is the primary objective, and any approach I make to her will set Naru off all over again. That just leaves...

Shinobu...

Little miss timid girl herself. If I've got HER on my side, Naru should back off considerably.

Or she'll suspect me more than ever of being up to something... So I could just be wasting my time with this idea.

No, stop, that's the Paranoia talking. I should remember Luna's advice and not let it reduce me to inaction.

Luna's advice...

Oh yeah! That's right, Kitsune isn't just useful for distracting Naru, she's Naru's BEST FRIEND. That makes her the perfect 'diplomatic go-between' here.

So how can I use that on top of things? It's not like she can just tell Naru to stop hating me. The world doesn't work that way. Even the strange romantic comedy worlds...

Now I wish I had a pen and paper. I need to write things down, or sketch it, or SOMETHING to visualize this...

So I need to get Shinobu on my side, and distract Naru with Kitsune... Preferably with Kitsune making with the sensible talk. Using the good ol' fashioned functions of peer pressure, I can tone Naru's hostility down, and have a chat with Motoko.

Now, the fun part is, I only have a few hours to get that done. How am I going to get that kid to side with me in that short amount of time? She's not like Skuld, and can't just be bribed with ice cream and a little attention...

My eyes wandered back to the menu Kitsune was holding. A plate of... Something... Something with fish on it...

Bingo.

Twenty minutes and a cheeseburger (Haruka laughed when I asked.) later and it was time to put 'Operation Suck-Up' into action. If I could get on the good side of a princess in less than twelve hours, I could handle one timid middle-schooler.

"So I just have to keep Naru out of the kitchen?" Kitsune asked.

"Exactly," I nodded. "Use whatever means you see fit, just keep her occupied."

Shinobu was in the kitchen, working hard on lunch. She'd cooked almost all the meals, being the only one with the skill to do so. That must be a lot of work for a kid her age, even if she did enjoy it. That left me with a simple option that would help gain her trust.

Now, being that she was all but an expert cook sans the actual training, what could I possibly do to help the kid? Well, an extra pair of hands never hurt in the kitchen... Not competent ones anyway. Naru and Kitsune were dangerous in the kitchen, and Su's idea of a meal involved enough spice to make a chili cookoff seem tame.

So we I kicked off the plan by letting Kitsune go in first. While she went and hunted down Naru for whatever crackpot reason she could come up with, I waited outside.

And waited...

And waited some more...

Okay, how long is this going to take? I know that you can't rush this kind of routine or it'll look suspicious, but it doesn't take ten minutes to interrupt someone.

[Then came the shriek.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fzAb870jXNo)

"KITSUNE!"

"Sorry Naru! I didn't see you there..."

"UGH! You got bleach all over my dress!"

About damn time... Though, maybe I shouldn't have said 'By any means'.

"Hurry! Let's go wash it out before it stains..."

"It's BLEACH! It doesn't stain, it fades colors!"

"Well, let's hurry and go wash it out before it FADES your dress."

"You can't wash out ble-"

"No time to waste Naru! Come on! Hurry up!"

"But- Kitsune!"

"No buts!"

And that was that...

Well, Kitsune sure knew how to distract Naru. Now it's my turn to do my job.

Indeed, Shinobu was working quite hard on lunch. I don't exactly know what was cooking yet, but it smelled as good as the meal I missed last week. I almost regretted chowing-down earlier.

My approach was soundless thanks to my boots keeping my ankles from popping. It was a mistake I realized when I openly greeted Shinobu, causing her to visibly jump.

"Oh," I began. I should have made let my boots thump a little. "Sorry... That looks good. Need any help?"

Don't mince words; just be direct, serious.

But not 'too' serious. It's hard to convey in words exactly how to pull it off. It's a strange cross of appearing confident, but gentle while seeming to allow someone else to lead. It's part acting I'm sure. A lot of tone control is important. Don't pay enough attention and you'll sound harsh instead of firm. Or stupid instead of goofy. Or even worse, you'll sound flat, and then EVERYONE's on to you.

Six years of experience working on this vocal routine more or less paid off with Shinobu rather quickly. My seeming pleasant desire to help her with meal preparations at least got her to assign me to stirring something. Once I had more or less broken the ice, it was almost trivial to get her to open up. I just had to talk about the food.

Common social practice. You want to get someone to talk to you? Find out their hobby, or favorite subject, and make a few random remarks. As long as they don't feel embarrassed, they'll chat away so long as you feed the conversation a little.

Shinobu was actually quite interesting to listen to when she was talking confidently. So long as it was about food, or instructions about the stuff that I was handling, there wasn't the slightest sign of the shy little girl she was half the time.

Now that I was actively looking for subtleties in the characters, her confidence as a chef was definitely her strong point. Strong enough that I was actually willing to ask her a few points on cooking. Points she seemed to enjoy explaining quite liberally in detail.

It was like when I gave Skuld the extra attention. Only difference being that Skuld's aggressive where as Shinobu's quite passive. But you get them going in their field of expertise, and you almost couldn't tell the difference.

Of course, I think I just about had this situation well in hand when somehow, fate decided to test me.

"YEEK!"

"WHAT!" I snapped around to find Shinobu cowering away from the counter.

"C-c... COCKROACH!"

ROACH? IN MY KITCHEN?

HERESY!

Did I not already mention my territorial kitchen habits? Well, in case that bit was forgotten, I start to take mental possession of any kitchen I'm working in. Even though I have no claim whatsoever to any property in the entirety of Hinata, this was currently MY kitchen.

And in MY kitchen, I will not tolerate nasty, disgusting, disease-ridden pests. There was only one penalty.

EXTERMINATUS.

My hand found the handle of a frying pan I had been about to put some butter in but had halted at Shinobu's yelp. And in two swift steps, not even thinking about it, the scorching hot pan left the stove, swooped through the air, and cracked into the counter with the sound of metal on wood. As well as a satisfying crunch...

"Not anymore..." came my almost automatic response to dealing with Class Insecta... What was once a cockroach, was now a crushed and burnt mass of roach goo on the underside of the skillet.

And my mind was officially off-task. When confronted with one fully-grown cockroach as I had just so violently terminated, one cannot help but realize the follow up learned from dealing with them in the past.

Where you saw one, there were hundreds you DIDN'T see...

Ugh... The neat freak in me reeled. Hinata was a building made with paper, and wood, with lots of moisture, and certainly some nice warm places since it WAS settled on a hot spring. Add some food and...

Roach HEAVEN.

As I turned to Shinobu, who'd blanched a little at my vicious bug-handling method, I couldn't help but have a sudden running desire for some 'Combat' roach gel. That stuff was the SHIT when it came to long term roach control. Last time I used some was ten years ago.

I haven't seen a roach since.

Not at home anyway.

"Just kill it," I continued once I realized the look on Shinobu's face. Then I turned to the sink and started washing the contaminated cookware with a hiss of steam.

"Hey Shinobu! What was that?"

Su came bounding into the room, still dressed in her 'General' uniform

"I heard you scream so I came to see what was so scary."

"Just a roach," Shinobu's voice was back to its timid self. I must have scared her. DAMN! Now I've got to start all over. That's going to set this plan back by twenty minutes or more. What's more, Su was a blatant distraction. I hadn't counted on her interference.

"Did you SQUASH it?" Su grinned. "They make a cool 'squish-CRUNCH' sound when you do."

Shinobu made a face that illustrated her opinion of roach murder as a form of entertainment.

"Yeah," Sara followed in a moment later. "You just have to get mean with bugs. Or they'll take over."

The little blond girl glanced at me and grinned.

"Of course Keitaro would scream too," she cackled in English. "He's a wuss."

Ah yes, Sara was actually bilingual at her age because of being dragged back and forth by Seta.

"Be careful," I smirked at the blond girl in my own flawless English. "You might just put your foot in your mouth..."

I got a funny reaction out of that. Sara gaped, then hid her gape, but decided it was too late and gaped again. Yeah, there are still English speakers in the universe. Then with a 'hmph!' quickly turned to Shinobu and changed the subject.

"So when's lunch going to be ready?"

Reminded of the food that was currently untended, Shinobu snapped around and quickly checked on something as I returned my now-clean pan to the stove. Little Meahara almost went into overdrive as she finished what she had been about to do before that unwanted pest had shown up. While she did that, I likewise, added butter to the pan I was re-heating.

Then my brain caught up with me.

"Where's Senbei?" I spun around to ask.

"Hmm?" Su looked up from where she was just about to get into the rice, and jumped back as Shinobu absent-mindedly swatted at her with a ladle. (Whoa... File that one.) "Oh, Major Catastrophe? I've got him guarding the laundry room. If read Tama correctly, she'll go after Motoko's clothes, and then we'll have her!

Tama's over there," Shinobu commented without so much as turning her head, but indicated with the ladle she'd swatted Su away with. "She's been watching me cook for the last twenty minutes."

Wait, she has?

"She has?" Su asked.

All eyes turned where Shinobu indicated. And yes, Tama was parked on the corner of the dining room table, watching the kitchen.

"AHA!" Su shouted. "Now I have you!"

"Mew?"

Tama took off from the table. A feat that my brain was still having trouble registering for an otherwise 'normal' creature. (Senbei was excused for NOT being normal.) With a quick loop, she eluded Su's grasp and swooped into the kitchen. Looped around Sara, and zipped right past my face.

The little turtle seemed to be accessorizing lately. Having a little dark purple band wrapped around her-

Wait...

Isn't that Luna's collar?

I turned again as Tama floated over to the counter and settled there tauntingly. That little purple band was indeed Luna's collar. Ah, crap. Luna must have taken it off when she went for her ill-fated bath. I'm not even going to go into the problems this could cause.

"Hey," I began at the turtle. "That's Luna's..."

The fact that I didn't even think about how absurd it was to talk to a turtle like it could understand aside, I turned to grab Tama with about the same predictable results as anyone else.

[Tama sportingly took off again.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DOtORdNFRkQ)

"You'll never catch her like that," Su commented idly. "You've got to be faster."

Okay, I don't have time for this.

"Come here Tama," I ordered in a much stronger tone. Unfortunately, Tama was not a dog, and didn't feel the least bit obligated to listen as she floated out the door with a parting 'mew'.

"You can try and catch her if you want," Su grinned. "Maybe if you drive her towards Major Catastrophe..."

I shook my head, becoming irritated as I turned to follow the turtle out of the kitchen.

Tama wanted to play, but I refused to chase the turtle at anything resembling a run. I'm not going to wear myself out chasing something that I know can out-run me in a pinch.

I followed the turtle around the inside of the building for five minutes, the little floating reptile never quite leaving my sight, as if taunting me. Then she swooped outside and around towards the back.

Finally, Tama landed on a small stone lantern and mewed at me, tempting me to try my luck.

"Okay..." I began, stopping just out of arm's reach. "You want me to dive right at you and bash myself on solid stone."

Tama just elevated her head and blinked innocently.

"Well I'm not going to play your little game," I glared back.

No sir... I'm not falling-prey to that. I'm going to make my own solution to this problem. In fact, it was around that moment that a rather interesting idea popped into my head... What if I...

My hand fell on the button of my 'watch' and the portal snapped open with a small 'fwip' sound. Tama paused to look at the sudden hole of darkness.

And I pounced.

My arm swept around, the half-meter wide hole scooping the turtle off the lantern like an interdimensional bug-catching net. Another button press and the portal closed with the critter trapped inside.

"Ha!" I grinned, then paused as I stared at the stone lantern. There was a large chunk of it missing now, a smooth, circular section of it scoured perfectly out of existence. Right where I had taken my swing.

I tapped the lantern with my foot. Solid stone...

Ouch... Now I had a visual to go with why Washu told me NOT to open it part way through people or load bearing structures. I mean, damn! I hadn't even felt resistance, and the portal just cut through that lantern like I was taking a swing at thin air. I could take a swing at a support column for an office building and drop the whole thing on my head more efficiently than the best demolition teams on the planet.

I quickly brought my arm up and snapped the portal open again, noting the perfectly carved-out piece of lantern now sitting in there, and one very confused turtle.

"Good thing you stayed put," I commented as I fished the turtle out of the pocket. "Now, I'll be taking that collar."

As I did so, I tried turning my arm and giving the portal a shake, trying to dump the excess junk I had inadvertently picked up. To my dismay, even when I faced the portal straight down, nothing fell out.

Pocketing Luna's collar with my 'free' hand, I turned to let Tama go.

"Run along and find Mutsumi or something," I instructed. "It's getting a big crazy around here."

"Mew mew!" the turtle exclaimed. A lot of absurdly smart animals in fiction, I swear she understood. A moment later, the turtle took off.

"As for this," I reached into my portal and pulled on the chunk of stone. It was weird to describe pulling it out. It felt like sliding it off a shelf. And as I discovered, it was-

THUD!

...Heavy.

"This is why I wear steal toe boots," I gulped aloud, working to dislodge my boot from the object I'd dropped on it.

Mental note: While I hadn't noticed in the instructions, or thought about it. I can carry absurdly heavy objects in my portal at no expense to myself. I however, cannot dump them out. Objects must be retrieved or moving already as Washu's safety brief implied.

Hmm... But Newton's first law states that an object in motion will stay in motion. And an object at rest will remain at rest. Or, in more accurate terms, mass will maintain its momentum until acted upon by an outside force. As GlaDOS said in Portal... "Speedy thing goes in, speedy thing comes out."

Therefor, why did Tama and the slab of stone not come flying back out of the portal the moment I reopened it? I took a swipe at that thing pretty damn fast. In relation, if you fixed your frame of reference on the portal instead of the Earth, the statue went flying through at the speed of a slow moving car. At a minimum, it should have come rocketing out almost immediately after it cycled the two-meter space.

Maybe closing the portal syncs momentum with the user.

Or maybe Washu has a safety feature built in...

Or maybe it's because I didn't continue moving, but stopped before it could reach the 'limit' of the pocket, so the pocket universe stopped in relation to the mass.

That makes more sense to me...

Hmm... If I closed the portal while I was still moving, I wonder if I could use that as a way to translate the momentum of a heavy object to a new vector and then throw it. After all, you're not expending energy to change the momentum of the mass; space-time is simply being rotated so that the vector is realigned.

I'll have to experiment with this portal a little more and ask Washu about its affect on momentum from different angles. There's some crazy ass shit you can do with this thing. Right now though, I had other things to do.

Turning to head back to the kitchen, I stopped as felt my foot land on something. Looking down, I noticed something else had fallen out with the lantern bit.

"Hello..." I commented as I bent down, picking up the small disk-shaped object. "Did Washu leave you with me too?"

Of course the gravitational music player, I guess that's what you'd call it, didn't answer me. Though, rather than opening my portal up and getting tempted to play with it some more, I just stuffed the small uber-tech device in a pants pocket and turned back towards the front.

As I approached the entrance, I heard it.

"-was all he did? Just bashed a cockroach?"

Naru...

"Yep!" Su's voice replied. "And then he went chasing after Tama. I doubt he'll catch her though."

Good grief! I thought Kitsune was supposed to keep Naru AWAY from the kitchen so I could do fulfill my plan. It's not like it's that hard for her to come up with crazier and crazier Wile E. Coyote styled schemes to keep Naru busy... And Naru would fall for every one of them. Just like the time she kept Naru away from Seta...

Just like...

Wait, that plan failed in the end. That kind of plan ALWAYS fails in the end. These plans were created EXPRESSLY for the purpose of failing, as hilariously as possible. That was the whole point! I could have slapped myself in the face.

It's not that the plan itself was poor, it's the nature of the plan itself. In a comedy setting, if plan X is designed for a specific outcome, you can expect the exact OPPOSITE of the desired outcome to occur. Usually after some absolutely silly actions and activities...

So if my plan was to keep Naru away from the kitchen, then Naru would invariably end up gravitated to the kitchen. It was as inevitable as the heat-death of the universe. And looking at it like that, it was obvious what was going to happen.

Peeking around the corner into the entrance as Naru continued to 'interrogate' Su and Shinobu, I noticed Kitsune back away from the entrance, looking nervous. I caught her attention with a quick wave, getting a look of relief when she realized I was aware of Naru.

In response, I made a slash at my throat.

Abort!

Kitsune looked in the kitchen again, then back at me, and nodded. And without taking so much as a second longer, I turned away and headed back towards the teahouse.

My plan was doomed to failure from its inception. Just like how my plan with Urd had been doomed from the start, now that I realize it. That means I needed a new plan... Something that WOULD work... There was a reason to how my plans had been working, or failing. And now that I saw it, I knew I needed to account for it. I needed a plan better than before.

Entering the teahouse, the idea hit me.

"Hey Haruka," I began, catching as sidelong glance from her. "You're going to help me."

Haruka just gave me her blank stare around yet another one of her near ornamental cigarettes before she went back to sweeping.

"Why are you asking me for help?" she began. "I already told you that Naru was your problem-"

"Perhaps I didn't make myself clear," I cut in, voice going wildly sarcastic. "I'm not asking you."

And then I did something I rarely ever did. I lowered my head and glared over the top of my glasses.

"I'm ordering you, and I won't take your apathetic 'no' for an answer this time."

Now I had her attention.

"You're helping me," I continued evenly. "Or I blow all your secrets..."

Her cigarette fell right out of her mouth.


	10. If it Ain't Broke

* * *

**Chapter ten: If it Ain't Broke**

_"When a man points a finger at someone else, he should remember that four of his fingers are pointing at himself."_

_-Louis Nizer_

* * *

 

I had been going about this all wrong.

That's the thought that was going through my head as Haruka openly gaped at my bold declaration.

This day had just been going from bad to worse steadily as it progressed. My actions seemed to merely make my situation more complicated at every turn. No matter what I was planning, it was going to backfire.

At least, that's how it seemed.

The mistake I was making was approaching this problem as if I were back home. Home, where the universe doesn't have a side order of the Rule of Funny as a law of causality.

I was fighting the very conventions of gag-comedy.

And I was losing.

In fact, no matter how hard I tried, I would lose. It would be like trying to go up against Buggs Bunny or the Road Runner... Or even The Dodo. You can't win in a fair fight. You just end up at the bottom of a cliff, standing in the shadow of a falling boulder, holding a sign that says: 'This is going to hurt'...

You have to stack the deck in your favor, and then cheat the rules.

How does that work exactly?

I'm not sure, but to start with, I'm putting my foot down. Haruka is the straight man character. The straight man is the most competent and dangerous character around.

It was the comment Luna made about Serenity. If people couldn't get along, and negotiating failed, she would resort to strong-arming them. Nice, but scary when angered. A strong player who had near absolute dominance in social circles...

Just like Haruka.

"What?" she asked after her shock started to fade.

"You heard me," I replied. "I'm sick of trying to juggle this situation single-handedly while you sit around here pretending it's not your problem."

"It ISN'T my problem," Haruka glared. "It's YOUR problem. Your fault, remember? I don't want to get involved."

"Guess what?" I asked. "Neither did I. You know... Random teleportation and all that...Jazz. So really, life's just not fair. And since life's not going to be fair to me, I figure it's only fair that I make life not so fair to you either..."

What the hell did I just say? I'm talking faster than I can think again, I'm going to put my foot in my mouth...

"You have a lot of nerve to say that after how I helped you," she shot back.

"Please," I rolled my eyes. "You expended next to no effort through all of this. I was the one who got the shit kicked out of him and spent the day getting threatened on the hour, every hour. You just had to wake up once in the middle of the night and glare at people. Do you even understand what I've been through in the last week? HELL! Utter, HELL... And if the pattern keeps up, I'm on the way to a repeat session. So I'd rather have this sorted out before the next time I spontaneously teleport into Motoko's bed. Otherwise we go through this whole routine, AGAIN. So I think a little effort on your part is not too much to ask to make both our lives a LOT less miserable..."

Silence...

"Hmmph..." Haruka continued after a moment. "So your answer is to blackmail the straight-man character into helping you, is that it? Or do you think blackmail is too strong a term?"

"No," I began. "Blackmail more or less covers it."

"I see," she continued. "I assume that since you came in here prepared to blackmail me if I didn't help, that you were also prepared offer me a reward for my help?"

"What?" I asked.

"Incentive," she commented, her tone going flat. "You don't blackmail a person and expect to avoid making an enemy. When you blackmail someone, you should be prepared to reward them for cooperating as further incentive not to seek later vengeance, or to turn on you at a critical moment. What are you offering me?"

"I don't know," I began. "What do you want?"

Haruka quit glaring and closed her eyes, sighing.

"You're asking me my price?" she began as if the words were heavy.

"Something wrong with that?" I asked.

"Only an idiot would place control of this kind of negotiation with the victim," Haruka chided me. "By asking me what I want, you allow me to name any price I want."

"I understand that," I nodded. "But I'm not exactly in the business of bribing people. So I'm just going to ask you."

"Yet you're prepared to blackmail me," she glared.

"I'm just improvising," I responded. "It's not like I planned this more than two minutes ago. I'm kind of short on time."

"Fine," Haruka continued. "I have a suggestion for you then ... Don't EVER try this again. You don't have anywhere near the experience to make it work effectively. If you really know as much about me as implied, you should know how much this little stunt could have cost you if I took it seriously."

"Does that mean you're helping me or not Haruka?" I asked with just a touch of annoyance in my tone. An afterthought kicked me pointing out that Haruka probably could have whipped a rocket launcher out of the closet if she really thought I was going to do anything. So, as a revised mission plan: Don't attempt to outsmart a 'straight-man' character just because you have overreaching knowledge of them. I should be respecting her cunning as much as I respect Hild's.

Man, now that I think about it, trying to juggle the rule of funny when people actually have realistic intelligence is a royal pain in the ass...

"That depends on your offer," she replied. That was a positive response. At least she was at the bargaining table.

"How about some secrets?" I asked.

"I'm not interested in knowing more about anyone around here," Haruka rolled her eyes.

"Really?" I asked. Great... Not good enough... Come on brain, THINK. Sell it!

"Not even secrets about the future?" I asked, inwardly wincing at dismissing my desire not to violate timelines any more than I have. "YOUR future?"

Haruka glanced at me for just a second, but averted her eyes with a scowl.

"That's dangerous business and you know it," she snapped. But glanced at me again. "You do know that right?"

I sighed. I guess I should have expected this not to be easy...

"Look," I began. "It's either nigh godlike information, or shiny trinkets from another world. And you've never struck me as the type that goes for the material goods side of the bargain bin. Kitsune's a cheap date like that."

Poor choice of words in a romantic comedy setting... Mental note: Do not repeat.

"Well, you're right there," Haruka shrugged, suddenly remembering her cigarette on the floor and stamping it out. "There's not much I really want that you're in a position to provide... Sorry."

Fucking A! This started out as blackmail, and now I'm stuck looking like the fool... Typical...

"Okay," I sighed. "I'm serious here, I NEED your help to do this, I'm practically begging here. PLEASE!"

Haruka just gave me a non-plussed look.

"Okay," she quipped.

"I can't do this wi-" [What?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=umlZ_aDyU9Q)

"Huh?" I asked, my brain suffering a disk-read-error.

"It took you long enough to just ask her politely," Luna's voice chimed in. My gaze fell down to the chair the feline was curled up in, both ears standing straight up indicating she was paying full attention despite looking like she was asleep.

"What?" I asked again.

"She's been pretty much ready to help you the entire time," Luna opened her eyes. "She just didn't want to unless you seriously asked."

"Whatever goes on up there," Haruka pointed out. "Ends up coming down here eventually. So really I can't just blow you off if things get real bad."

Now I feel like an idiot. Then again, verbal tact wasn't my strong point.

"So what was that all just now?" I asked, referring to our conversation.

"That was you getting schooled in diplomacy," Luna smirked. "Which was highly entertaining. Blackmail... Please."

I turned and flopped down in the chair on the other side of the table.

"Yeah yeah..." I grumbled. "Enjoy my screw ups... Right now I've got two worlds riding on my actions, and a young lady who needs a psychiatrist. All of this with time restrictions... Don't mind me, I'm not good under pressure."

"I won't hold it against you," Haruka cut in. "Though you seem to do okay. Just remember to think things through a little more. Especially blackmail."

I waved it away.

"Listen," Haruka continued. "Luna explained the situation while you were working with Kitsune."

"You what?" I turned to the feline.

"I took the liberty of doing my job," Luna commented. "You're a soldier, I'm a diplomat. Do the math. I'm more qualified at this kind of thing."

"Too bad I can't just send you in to talk to Motoko," I rolled my eyes.

"After she almost killed me?" Luna made one of those expressions that was a flat out betrayal of her human form. "That won't work, no thank you."

"Thus the whole 'too bad' part," I shrugged, then yawned.

Fuck. How much time did I have left?

"Okay," Haruka interrupted once more. "You came down here to recruit me for something. So you must have an idea to try out. Let's focus on that."

"Oh yeah," I put my hand on my chin. "I do have something of a plan..."

"What is it?" Luna asked.

"That's the fun part," I looked between them. "I can't tell you what it is."

They both looked at me dumbfounded.

"Look," I began. "It makes sense to me, and I'll explain later. Right now though, Haruka. Get me a pen and paper so I can work this out... And your lighter so I can burn it when I'm done."

"Okay," Haruka nodded, walking over to her register to retrieve a clipboard.

"Oh, and Luna?" I asked, reaching into my pocket.

"Yes?" she replied.

"You dropped this," I tossed the Washu collar to her.

"Oh!" she turned just the slightest shade of pink under her fur. "That would have been embarrassing."

"No kidding," I replied, reaching up to accept a clipboard.

Okay... So I had a plan.

Well, I didn't have a plan; I had an objective, and a few guidelines.

As I had realized on the way down to the Teahouse. Any plan I made around here was going to backfire. That means if I try to keep away from Naru, I will end up close to her. If I try to keep Naru away from MOTOKO, she'll be close to her.

I could try doing it backwards, but in doing that, it will STILL backfire in that the backwards version will work, PERFECTLY.

So in short, so long as I tried for a deliberate outcome, that outcome would never occur.

In summary, I can't keep Naru away from Motoko no matter how hard I'm trying.

Sketching it on a sheet of paper, I thought about it from the perspective of trying to write it as a Love Hina short story. How would I remove Motoko from the group?

Well, something funny HAS to happen. No matter what, that will be satisfied. If I want something to happen a certain way, I cannot approach it directly or it will get, funny. So what I want, cannot be the focus of the plan. The plan has to focus on something else.

So if I want to get Naru away from Motoko, I have to do something that doesn't involve me trying to get Naru away from Motoko.

That seems like...

Misdirection...

Do something completely unrelated and have its outcome as my plan, with moving Naru away from Motoko as little more than a waste product. The last time I did that was with Urd, and it worked brilliantly... Until the more direct parts of the plan where I had to improvise, at which point I managed to pull it off, but still screwed up by downing a shit-load of tainted sake in the process. I'm never doing that again.

I sketched up a few blocks on my pad, representing the layout of Hinata. If I come up with a plan that says for Naru to end up at location X, then Naru will never go there. If I throw in a plan that is designed to keep her away from there, then she'll inevitably be there. If I deliberately make it backwards, the opposite is true.

But if I play them both together...

I sketched a square that represented the teahouse. Let's say I wanted to keep Naru away from the Teahouse, so I tell Kitsune that whatever happens, she keeps Naru out of the Teahouse. That can still backfire if somehow, the laws of causality play it as reverse planning. So Naru never goes.

So to back it up, I need to get someone trying to get Naru to go DOWN to the Teahouse. That way, there's conflict, which is a source of comedy.

I sketched a double-ended arrow on my block diagram of Hinata. Even if anyone was looking, it just looked like a few squares and arrows.

Now, in order to make things even more misdirected, I needed a second 'target location'. That way, Naru would be caught trying to go to, and be kept away from, a second location, resulting in a conflict of directions.

The second location was easy after looking at my crappy schematic.

The onsen, a regular gag-magnet...

I do the same thing there. Playing that Naru needs to go there, but is kept away...

The result is that Naru is being simultaneously drawn and pushed away from two locations, and the resulting chaos from the overlapping conflicts causes the most hilarious scene outside of the epic cross-country chase. All I have to do then, is duck and let comedy do its thing...

It would be playing all sides to the middle so that Naru is kept running in circles going nowhere.

And while that's going on, my real target is overlooked.

I ripped the sheet of paper off the clipboard and quickly lit it on fire. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY is to know what I'm doing except me. The logic was simple. If anyone knew what was really going on, they wouldn't act out their parts accurately. The contamination would lead to flawed event sequences, resulting in the whole thing coming apart. So nobody knew what the plan was, but me.

And nobody knew about anyone else's part.

Except me...

Letting the paper burn nicely for a few seconds I quickly walked over and dropped it in a hand sink and let it burn until it was nothing but smoldering ashes. Then I flooded the sink with cold water, stirred it, and emptied it down the drain. Absolutely no plan evidence... Period... I'm not risking it.

Assigning parts was easy. And I quickly moved around Hinata.

Kitsune was to keep Naru away from the Teahouse AT ALL COSTS. I did not doubt her ability to do that, even when she questioned why when her attempt with the kitchen fell apart. I simply stated that it was important that she be kept away.

Haruka was to want Naru to come down, and would come up in thirty minutes to request her to be there in another fifteen. Once there, just occupy her with make-work.

Luna still needed a bath, the first one interrupted and all. So her job was to recruit Naru as her bodyguard against Motoko.

Su and Sara (along with Senbei) were to counter that. I came up with some bullshit story about an ingenious Tama-trap. And if anyone were allowed into the Onsen, it would go off early.

Once the four forces were set in motion, I simply sat down on the front step to wait. One way or another, this would either work perfectly, or come crashing down in a blaze of glory.

The outcome was almost perfect, freakishly perfect. Frighteningly perfect.

For once, it seemed like the world itself aligned to the purpose I was aiming for.

It started with Haruka coming up the steps. She did her part so well she didn't even break stride to make eye contact. She requested Naru for some help with something in the Teahouse... And cited that since Keitaro wasn't around, if she could fill in for a minute.

When Naru argued why she couldn't use 'me', Haruka smoothly gave out some absurd line about not trusting me fully. This coming from Haruka, was easy to buy.

When Haruka left, it was Luna who went next, wandering into the place on a delayed time I'd set, in human form, and begging Naru to protect her from the crazy swordswoman while she got a bath.

That got Naru arguing back. That she didn't have time because Haruka needed her in ten minutes. Luna pulled the unexpected and combined sickeningly cute with Usagi levels of pathetic. (She learned from a master there...) Getting Naru into a pitying state enough that she just agreed in frustration was near trivial.

That however, didn't last very long. I heard the frantic snapping of Su and Sara getting in the way, with the occasional lines from Senbei. And then the frustrated snap from Naru that Luna would just have to wait.

Narusegawa came wandering out the door moments later, grumbling as she turned on the path towards the teahouse. She paused, looked at me; I simply looked back.

Say nothing, do nothing.

"HMPH!" she nearly spat at me. "I can see why Haruka doesn't trust you, slob."

Excuse me for not having a RECTIFIER for my electric razor... Wait, does Haruka have one? She might. I'll have to back burner that. Naru was just sniping at anything she could find. Seta had constant stubble and he never caught any lip. And she would have just bitched about me shaving anyway. It's just a freakin' haircut applied to the face, for fuck's sake...

Once she made for the stairs off to the left, the craziness officially began. Kitsune came running by, asking Luna where Naru had gone. The quick story from Luna made her grit her teeth and take off at a full sprint behind her.

"NARU!"

I checked my watch... I'd have probably about fifteen minutes before the chaos reached a climax. Funny though, this was an old habit from when I had an actual watch. The one I was currently wearing had absolutely no use in telling time.

Standing up once Kitsune was out of sight, I turned and walked directly into the kitchen for a glass of water. Shinobu was cleaning dishes from lunch.

"Hey," she began. "Thanks for taking care of that cockroach earlier."

"Don't worry about it," I replied. "I hate the suckers anyway."

"Where'd you go?" she asked. "You missed lunch."

"I had to run down to the teahouse to take care of something," I responded. "I ate while I was there."

"Oh," Shinobu replied. At least as a side effect of my previous doomed plan, she seemed to be speaking to me normally.

Gulping down my water, I wandered out of the kitchen. If I made a move directly towards where I expected Motoko to be after Naru had seen me, she might come hunting for me when she discovered I was no longer on the step. By wandering into the kitchen, and then wandering out back, it looked like I wasn't doing anything in case Naru asked.

I wandered in back and circled around through the breezeway that separated the east and west segments of the building before I began my end of things. There was more shouting from Su and frustrated snaps from Naru beside commentary from Kitsune's voice that I couldn't make out. Satisfyingly on the other side of the building from me as I wandered inside and moved up to the second level, then the third.

On the way up, I glanced to confirm Motoko wasn't in her room. All clear.

That left only one location. Considering she wouldn't be in the onsen with Su guarding it...

As I made my way up the steps to the rooftop, a bit of apprehension in my chest from this latest plan, it struck me.

I'd been thinking about how to get some time to talk to Motoko. And I'd forgotten completely about figuring out what I was going to do once I did. Dammit Naru! I wasted so much time just figuring out how to get around you that I spent no time figuring out how to fix the problem I was trying to get around you for!

"Dammit," I muttered to myself, leaning against the wall there in the staircase. What WAS I going to do about Motoko? The entire point was to find a way to undo the problem I'd caused. Namely, undo the psychological shock I'd caused, or put her at ease, or be a cry sponge, or... Something... Washu wasn't exactly too helpful with helping me figure that bit out. And I can't just stop now and try again later. This probably wouldn't work two times in a row.

Then again, did I 'HAVE' to fix Motoko?

No, not really. Washu pretty much gave me a lesson in temporal ethics on that one. On the other hand, I'm the nice guy, whether I admit it or not. I don't like screwing shit up. Especially people. One could say I'm borderline goody-two-shoes in that fashion. To the point that others might think it a bit absurd... Especially considering the effort I'd been exerting in this situation probably outweighed the benefits.

Moral/Ethical conundrum, meet logic. Logic, conundrum...

Oh, I see you've already met. Good, now justify. Justify your actions like your life depended on-

Like my life depends on it? DUH! I've already spouted the answer once today!

Justification: If I don't put Motoko back in somewhat 'working order', it is entirely possible that I might come back again with her in this, or a worse, state of mind.

I don't want to teleport into the bed of a progressively more unhinged swordswoman. The first time she understandably freaked out. The second time I had 'come back from the dead' in a way. Both times involved struggle. One of which hurt quite significantly.

If this becomes a regular thing, and she gets more and more unhinged, it might become a game of who can wake up faster. If it's not me, waking up might never happen. And I might not have Luna there to back me up next time. It all depends on what happens.

Okay, so I'm determined to do this on at least some safe self-preservation grounds that don't have me playing mister morality... At least to make sure she's okay. But that still doesn't solve the problem of HOW.

"How?" I muttered, hitting my head against the wall for measure. "How, how, how..."

"WHO'S THERE!" Motoko's voice snapped from above. "Come out you stalker!"

She doesn't sound very meek right now...

"It's me!" I snapped, raising my voice and walking up the stairs with my hands raised. "No stalking intended!"

Motoko lowered her sword. I could hear the inhaling choke she made when she realized whom it was.

"How you doing?" I asked, trying to be amiable.

"What do you want?" she asked, quickly turning away from me and returning to that sword-swinging routine of hers. I wonder how much she does that bit...

"I want to know how you're doing," I replied bluntly.

Well? It was true!

"Why do you care?" she asked. Motoko seemed determined to avoid facing me.

Why do I care? Well, I'm under the impression that you're psychologically unstable. I think it's my fault, and for both my safety and peace of mind, I want to check and see if it's really all that bad so I can figure out way to unbreak you before I pass out. Of course, I can't just explain that to you, now can I? Well, maybe I could, but since I'm no psychologist, I'm not qualified to tell you you've got mental problems because you might do something, rather rash if I screw that up. So I have to kind of guess about it and try to apply some kind of psychological fix under your nose, for which I'm also not qualified to attempt, in the hopes that I can remedy any conditions you might or might not have. Because somehow, I might just manage to fix them because weirder shit happens around here... Like flying turtles and teleporting guys from another reality, and transforming cat girls, and... Oh god, listen to myself, I sound like the description on the back of a DVD.

"I'm just wondering," I spoke aloud. "You seemed a bit upset earlier."

"I'm fine," she stated curtly.

Okay...

Awkward silence... I can't talk if she doesn't want to talk. Man, icebreaker, icebreaker...

Uh, swords, kendo, martial arts, the weather, her hair...

No no! Know jack, know jack, still know jack all, transparent... REALLY transparent... Got to be something I can do. I'm not a socialite, but I'm good at talking to people, I just need to find something we have in common. Something that's not so two-dimensional that it's blatantly obvious to a four-year-old...

Wait... I got it!

While her back was turned, I raised my hand and opened my portal. Fishing around for a second, I found it. Motoko's dagger... Gifts are good icebreakers. Even better when it was theirs to begin with.

"Hey," I began. "Is this yours?"

Motoko stopped what she was doing and turned around, slightly confused look on her face. I just twirled the dagger lightly between my fingers.

"That's-" she began in recognition, her eyes going wide. "Where did you find it? I've been looking all over for it."

Ah, this connects the dots.

"That's what you were looking for this morning?" I smirked, almost laughing. That's what she was hunting in the grass for before I scared her off.

"Well, yeah," she began, voice getting meek again. "My sister gave that it to me."

"What?" I asked, storing the second half of her comment. "You mean you forgot that I confiscated it from you when you tried to spill your guts?"

Motoko blinked quietly, trying to put two and two together. Man, she was more out of it than I thought if she forgot me WRESTLING IT out of her hand. Or maybe she was out of it when I was wrestling it out of her hands... Probably both. Yeah, definitely both...

"I uh..." she worked her mouth, looking away. She obviously wasn't comfortable talking to me. I can understand. After all the crap I pulled merely to defend myself, ending with pretty much flipping her entire worldview on its head, I wouldn't be comfortable talking with me either.

"You want it back?" I asked, just dismissing her reaction. "After all, your sister gave it to you. Not a bad dagger either-"

"It's called a Tanto!" she snapped, her head whipping around.

"Okay!" I almost jumped back in surprise. Comfortable she is not, but still Motoko she be. "Not a bad TANTO. It really saved my ass from a nasty demon."

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"Long story," I commented. "Short version is we managed to fire a psychic blast out of it and torched the thing. Too bad you weren't there. It was awesome. Hell, having you around would have been real useful. Zan Ma Ken Form Two would have simplified the whole issue."

"How do you know about that?" she asked in surprise. "That's a secret technique!"

"Even longer story," I commented. "You probably don't want to get into that just yet."

Motoko seemed to mull on that. As I didn't really want to explain, I just kept going.

"On the plus side," I quirked, changing topics. "I've nicknamed your Tanto, STING."

"Sting?" she asked. "What kind of name is STING?"

Someone hasn't read 'The Hobbit, or 'The Lord of the Rings'.

"Hey," I began. "If the handle alone stings monsters like a hornet, name it Sting."

Motoko just gave me a further confused look.

"What?" I asked. "You don't name weapons?"

"No," she looked up. "I do..."

"How about the sword?" I asked. "Got a name for it?"

Motoko looked at the katana still held in front of her

"Shisui," she stated. "Its called Shisui."

Shisui... I wish I knew what- Wait. It took a moment to cross-wire mentally to convert the meaning rather than thinking about it as a name. Now that I had a complete verbal comprehension of the language (Thanks Washu!) I could convert name meanings any time I want if I chose to actually think about it.

Which was cool, because the name of the sword was Still Waters.

"Still Waters," I stated, though the word coming out of my mouth was still 'Shisui'... "Cool. Like, the calm water that holds secrets below the surface, but reflects your soul, or something nifty and philosophical... I guess that beats out Sting any day."

Motoko just stared back, unsure of how to respond. Okay, so my attempt to show interest there wasn't very useful.

"So," I continued. "You want 'Sting' back?"

"Y-yes," she nodded. "I would."

"Can I approach you then?" I asked. "Or are you going to put me through a wall?"

"Won't that... Kill you?" she asked, balking. "You said that it would kill you. Right before you... You..."

"Before I disappeared?" I provided.

Motoko nodded mutely, turning her head and squeezing her eyes shut.

"What?" I asked. "What's the matter?"

"I..." she began. But stopped. Then the waterworks started again. Oh boy... This was both good and bad. Bad because I'm not the waterworks type. Good because it meant I'd found the problem.

"I thought I killed you..." she stated weakly.

A fatal exception OE has occurred at BRAIN. The system has been shut down to protect your mind. Use Ctrl Alt Delete to reset your train of thought. Any unsaved information will be lost...

"What?" I asked.

"I thought I killed you," she commented more strongly between sobs, dropping Shisui on the ground. "I wanted you to go away. I thought you were some kind of monster man worse than Keitaro... I just wanted to get rid of you."

I'm missing something...

"But then," she continued. "You didn't do any of the stupid things Keitaro does. You didn't even cower like he does, like the weakling I thought you were. Then..."

Motoko walked over to the rail.

"Then somehow..." she continued. Now wracked with sobs. "Somehow, you reversed it, making me the weakling. I was angry... I wanted you to go away, I wanted you to die... But I couldn't let myself do that to a person. That's not my way. So I tried to... and you stopped me... I just couldn't figure it out. I just wished you'd go away, leave me alone... And then you... then you..."

Her words from this morning came back to me.

"Boom," I commented. "Gone."

Motoko broke down, tears streaming freely from her face as she choked up in sobs.

I get it...

Oh my god! I get it!

Naru wasn't exaggerating this morning! Motoko thought I'd EXPLODED. But not merely that...

"You thought you killed me with a thought," I filled in the gaps. "You thought you killed a man."

I know why Motoko threw herself at me this morning. I understood. She thought she'd killed me. Killing a person will fuck you up in the head. Especially if it was unintentional... That left her a nervous wreck for the entire week. Then I reappeared in her bed, alive and well...

"I've always told Keitaro to die," she continued. "But I never really meant it. I never meant to hurt anyone, to kill them. I don't even know you, and I thought I..."

Motoko retreated from Keitaro instead of attacking like normal... That's what Naru said.

Motoko had traumatized herself thinking she'd somehow killed me, and was afraid she'd kill Keitaro next. That was fucked up. That was so fucked up I almost regretted trying to get it figured out.

How the hell am I supposed to fix psychological trauma created from watching a person die?

I don't... That's what. It takes years to get over the emotional trauma brought on by this sort of thing.

But I'm not DEAD!

That doesn't matter. SHE thought you were dead. She had a week to herself believing you were dead. The damage is done. Motoko might as well had stuck a gun to your head and squeezed the trigger.

There's got to be something I can do... I'm not dead. That has to count for something.

No, you're not dead; you're just back from the dead. Now you're a Zombie. How do you like Undead Status?

Don't be stupid...

Okay, fine. So Motoko thinks she killed you, but you're not dead. The first thing you can do here is reassure her that she didn't actually kill anybody, and can't kill people with mere thoughts so that she can get over it as soon as possible.

Okay... So how do I do that?

I don't know.

Some help you are.

Hey, I'm just a section of your mind playing Devil's Advocate for you. I only know what you know. Just improvise. I'm sure you'll think of something.

I sighed. Looking at the pathetic creature before me. It hurt to see anyone like that. I almost couldn't stand it. It reflexively made me want to bury my sensitive side and throw up my own facade of toughness.

"Okay," I began. "It's okay. Look. I'm not dead. You didn't kill me."

Motoko just sobbed into the rail. I'm not exactly good at this kind of thing...

"Look," I began again, wandering over with only a sidelong glance at Shisui. "Do I look dead?"

Motoko turned her head, tears streaming down her face. Maybe forcing her to acknowledge the fact herself would help. Just like how I trained people at work.

"No," she choked.

"Do I sound dead?" I asked.

"No..." she answered again.

I placed my hand on her shoulder. Motoko flinched, but otherwise didn't move.

"Do I feel dead?"

There was a longer pause before she finally answered.

"No."

"Then I mustn't be dead..." I continued. "Must I?"

Then I raised my hand and gave her a light, friendly slap on the shoulder. "So suck it up... There's nothing to cry about."

Real smooth there slick. You have all the delicacy of barbed wire when it comes to this kind of thing.

Oh give me a break! I'm trying to avoid the super sappy stuff. If I get sappy, she might go completely crybaby again and cry into my shoulder.

There was a sudden series of loud pops and booms over towards the other side of the building, followed by muffled shouting. That would be a convenient distraction now that I got Motoko to admit to herself that nobody had been killed. I could only guess however as to how much the chaos had escalated in my diversion plan, but I'm willing to bet Su just broke out the explosives.

"What is going on?" she asked, turning to face the direction of the blasts.

"Laser Guided Chaos," I chuckled.

"What?" she asked, turning to look at me confused. For a moment, she just looked at me silently. Her cheeks were still wet from crying. "Who are you?"

Long answer or short answer? I guess with pretty much everyone else here in the know I might as well clue her in.

"Me?" I asked, turning to lean against the rail. "I'm not so sure myself anymore. On one hand, I'm a nobody. Just some guy who until recently spent all his time staring at a computer, writing music, and checking emails."

Then I learned and put my chin in my hand, squinting out at Sagami bay.

"Then weirdness. I wake up in a strange place, next to a strange girl. At first, I don't know what's going on. I'm being chased. Then I realize I recognize the people who are chasing me. I know everyone."

Motoko just continued to stare.

"Everyone I meet, exists in my world as fiction."

Still no comment, just a perplexed stare from a face swollen from crying.

"Then it happened again..." I continued. "And this time, I woke up when someone kicked me in the chest. And then I heard the words Zan Ma Ken, and all I wanted to do was not get hit. Because in the Manga I read back home, there is a technique known as Zan Ma Ken, utilized by the followers of the Shinmei Riyu, that can pulverize boulders and smash right through wood like toothpicks. A technique that, I figure, can equally pulverize my bones and snap my spine like a twig. A technique known by a character in that manga named Motoko Aoyama, younger sister of Tsuruko, and eventual heiress to the Shinmei Riyu."

Motoko continued to stare, then it seemed that something clicked. She took a step back, her swollen eyes widening.

"T-That's impossible!" she began.

"Impossible?" I asked. "I would like to agree! Not only from your perspective, but mine too! But then again-"

I took a step back, checking my space.

"So is this!"

And I opened my portal.

Her reaction was almost as priceless as mine must have been the first time I saw it. First she looked like she was about to freak out, then she squinted slightly and the near-terror was replaced with confusion.

"Wha-" she began. "What is-"

"Cool huh?" I interrupted. "It's a pocket universe. Perfect for storing things. I picked it up yesterday from a friend of mine. Really smart lady. As far as I'm concerned, this is impossible. But here it is. A hole in space in mid air."

Then I paused, realizing something even better.

"Oh!" I snapped with a smile. "You'll really like this!"

I fished out the magic powered beam sword I had all but ignored for the last two days before closing the portal again. Motoko likes swords, let's play with swords.

"Check this out," I thumbed the power switch.

In retrospect, I was half expecting the characteristic 'snap-hiss' sound effect of an igniting lightsaber as created by Industrial Light and Magic. The sound it generated though, while it did have the characteristic hum, had nowhere near the same pizzazz. Instead, as the blade appeared, it made more of a quickly dropping hum. As if the blade wasn't so much pulsing as the energy was cycling from one end to the other like a guitar string. I hadn't noticed that before. But then again, at the time I was rather tired, and distracted.

Motoko just fixated on the pink glowing blade. Any semblance of her previous emotional state all but erased. I could tell instantly this had to be a good idea. Her eyes looked like Su's when she first spotted Senbei.

"Is that-" she began. There was unmistakable awe in her voice.

"It's a beam sword," I nodded.

"Can I..." she began again. "Can I see it?"

"Sure..." I turned the blade off, flipped it in my hand, and stuck it out. Motoko took a few steps forward and took it from me, then retreated a little.

After a moment to examine it, she pointed the end away from her body and ignited it with the same 'guitar slide' sounding hum. Almost immediately, Motoko blinked in confusion.

"It's unbalanced," she frowned, taking a test swing, but was still obviously drooling over it. "The blade's too light..."

"The blade has no mass," I pointed out. "Of course it's unbalanced. You're just holding a handle attached to a bar of light."

"It's a little shorter than Shisui," she continued her commentary after adjusting her grip towards the pommel, balancing it more like a flashlight. "This would be more of a secondary weapon, or part of a pair."

Good guess...

"You don't strike with this," Motoko added, twirling and swinging it about a few times. "You can't impart a good impact without the momentum from the weight, so it's strictly for slicing, stabbing, and cutting attacks. And it's poor for blocking for the same reason. This is a weapon for speed and finesse, not power."

Wow, she knows her swords. Someone also might want to inform Dido that she's been using her weapons incorrectly. What did she try on me? Double overhead hammer blow?

Motoko walked back over to the rail and swung at it. The blade sliced through the wood with ease. That seemed to make her almost giddy with excitement.

"It really does cut right through things with ease," she gawked. Then she shut the blade off and looked closely at the hilt.

"I wonder how it works..."

"Magic," I shrugged. Motoko gave me a non-plussed look.

"Seriously," I added. "Magic. I would know. Magic doesn't do anything to me, and the blade passed right through me without so much as a scratch."

Motoko's look changed to one of utter horror before she covered it up. Probably imagining who or what had to be attacking me for me to find that out. I don't want her thoughts wandering back there... Hey! Idea!

"Hey!" I began. "What do you think will happen if you use Zan Ma Ken with that weapon?"

Motoko gaped, then looked down at the handle.

"I... I don't know," she replied. That made me smirk.

"How about we find out?" I asked.

Motoko started to grin a little again. It was a dangerous, shit-eating kind of grin. Like a kid who'd just found the garden hose in a water gun fight...

I took a few steps back towards the staircase to give her room as she walked to the middle of the deck and took her stance. After a moment, she activated the blade and took a deep, calming breath.

"ZAN MA KEN!" She snapped, raising it in the air.

"NI NO TACHI!"

Then she swung.

'FWOOM!'

Now, what I expected, and what we got, were two different things. What I expected was the grenade-like concussion of air. What we got, was that the foot and a half long pink blade suddenly became a fifteen foot long pink arc as it slashed downwards in front of Motoko. I could hear the sound it made as it suddenly grew as if listening to a large electrical transformer suddenly overloading.

There was no concussive thump, but instead a loud snap as the blade went through everything directly in its path. Which included the clothes line, the rail, and part of the deck. When Motoko came to a halt, the suddenly huge blade snapped right back to its saber-sized length with a final parting crack.

The first thing that popped into my mind upon processing that image, was the beam sword from super smash brothers when you executed a smash attack.

"Well that's different," I pointed out. "I'd hate to be the idiot who thought he was out of range."

Motoko turned around, a look of near childish glee on her face.

"This is great!" she chirped. "Where can I get one of these?"

An idea popped into my head.

"You want it?" I asked. The more I butter her up, the better.

Motoko blinked.

"Can I?" she began, holding the blade up and examining it more.

"It's yours," I motioned with my hands. "I'm worthless with a melee weapon, you've seen that already. Besides, I can't make that thing turn from a stick-em stick, into a fifteen-foot monster blade. Consider it a token of apology for all the crap you went through this week."

Not to mention I just discovered that I have a much sharper 'blade' that can cut through any damn thing I can imagine... But that's neither here nor there.

After a moment, Motoko turned to face me, shutting the beam sword off.

"If what you said is true," she began. "You... You know everything about me. Don't you?"

"I wouldn't say 'everything'," I admitted. My experience was proving the holes in my knowledge. "But, I can't lie... not around here anyway."

"Then it makes sense," she continued, looking away. "That's how you knew I was afraid of turtles. That's how you knew about my sister... Knew how I'd react."

"I was only trying to protect myself," I put my hands up. "I had no idea it would screw you up that bad."

Motoko suddenly turned towards me again. There was a look in her eyes, one I couldn't quite place.

"So you deliberately took advantage of my weaknesses?" she snapped. "You fight dirty, use cheap shots, and mess with your opponent's mind, just so you can win. Is that how it is?"

What the? This girl goes through mood swings faster than Usagi goes through breakfast. And I know how fast Usagi can go through a meal.

"Look," I kept my hands up. It's entirely possible I fixed her. Which in hindsight might be a mistake, because a functionally sane Motoko is also a functionally aggressive Motoko... "I didn't do any of that to hurt you. I did it just to defend myself."

"Well," her eyes narrowed. I still couldn't pin down her expression. "Let's just see how well you can defend yourself then. I challenge you."

What?

"Uh... AGAIN?" I began. "Didn't we establish last time that you pretty much owned my ass with a melee weapon?"

Motoko blinked, confused.

"Kind of 'No Contest' really," I shrugged.

Motoko smiled. Then I realized why the look was bugging me. It was that look of someone who had their eye on something they wanted. Something they really wanted. It was just missing the smile, and it instantly matched the same look she had when she met a worthy opponent.

Oh crap, I'M A WORTHY OPPONENT?

"Don't be absurd," she smirked. "I want to fight you bare handed. I can't see how that technique of yours really works if I clobber you with a sword..."

Gape and stare mode.

"You're kidding me," I replied. "I barely know enough Brazilian Jujitsu to save my ass when I have the advantage of surprise. You have no idea how much damage I actually took."

"You seemed okay to me," she replied.

"Motoko," I stated evenly. "You broke my rib, broke my nose, beat the SHIT out of me, BIT me, and I walked away with probably a torn ACL. And that was with my cheating and cheap shots. I couldn't win a fair fight against you if my life depended on it."

"Then how did you get better so fast?" she asked.

"I sprained my ankle in the last place I was in," I pointed out. "And the genius scientist there injected me with tissue reconstruction nanomachines to heal the injury. And that almost gave me heat stroke because they weren't designed for the kind of damage I was subjected to in our little scuffle."

Motoko seemed to think about it.

"The same one that made the pocket thing?" she asked.

"The same one," I nodded.

For a second, Motoko just paused.

"Okay, I believe you." She stated. "But I still want to know how that move you did works."

"Can I just tell you how it works instead?" I asked.

Motoko nodded.

"Okay," I stated. "Come here."

Motoko looked at me like I was crazy.

"I'm not going to do it to you," I stated. "Come here."

Motoko cautiously walked up to me.

"Here," I raised my hand. She still flinched, but stopped herself. "Look up a little."

She did so.

"Right here," I began, tapping a spot on her neck. "And right here. The Carotid Artery... All the technique does is squeeze it off, cutting off the blood flow to the brain."

"That's it?" she asked.

"That's IT," I affirmed. "Once you have a choke in place, its over. Your opponent will be out in a matter of seconds. And if you're good and quick about letting go, it doesn't even do any damage."

Motoko pondered about it for a moment, absentmindedly touching her throat where I had indicated.

"I want to try it," she demanded. The way she looked at me supplemented 'on you' to the end of the statement.

Oh HELL NO!

"Uh uh!" I shook my head, stepping back. "No way."

"You said it doesn't do lasting damage," she pointed out.

"I've had it done to me before," I pointed out. "I woke up on the floor convinced I was doing my best not to fall asleep in a lecture. I don't like it."

Not to mention, if she puts me to sleep... Well, the keyword is SLEEP. Do the math.

"Oh quit being a coward," she chided, stepping forward. "I'm not going to hurt you."

She'll never leave you alone if you don't...

If I pass out in her arms and teleport again, she really WILL think she killed me this time.

You should have thought about that before you explained to her how it worked.

I'm just going with the flow.

Then just go with it and make sure she knows NOT to put the squeeze on.

"Please?" Motoko asked into my train of thought.

"Fine," I looked at her. "But don't apply pressure, and let go if I tap you. You don't want to see what happens if I pass out."

"Deal!" Motoko grinned.

I turned around, and immediately, she stepped up behind me.

"What first?" she asked.

"Wrap your arm around my neck," I instructed. Motoko followed the instruction without question.

"Now," I continued. "Make sure my throat is in the crook of your arm inside the elbow. You want my neck in the V there."

"Okay..." Motoko commented after an adjustment. Being a little shorter than her made it easy for her to lock herself into place. "Now what?"

"Now," I continued. "Normally, at this point you'd just work towards tightening the hold and making sure I couldn't escape. The tighter it is, the better it constricts blood flow. The faster I pass out."

Motoko applied a little squeeze.

"Like this?" she asked.

"Easy, EASY!" I snapped. "It doesn't take much." I could feel my face flushing red from just that little bit.

"This technique is so simple," she commented off hand as she let up.

"Probably why I could remember it in the first place," I replied.

Right in the middle of my train of thought, a new voice suddenly made itself crystal clear.

"We're going to correct this right now so you can get your bath..."

NARU! Was I out of time already? Or did I miss something in my plan?

"Let go, let me go..." I stated urgently.

"Motoko, are you up there?" Naru called up the stairs.

"I'm up here Naru," she called back, releasing me as Narusegawa bounced into view on the stairs, Luna in tow.

"Look," she began. "We need to talk about-"

And she spotted me.

"YOU!" she snapped. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

"Eh?" Motoko seemed shocked as Naru began her verbal assault.

"What did I tell you?" Naru snapped.

"Look," I put my hands up. For all the good it'll do me. "I'm just trying to help."

"You've helped enough!" she snapped at me, closing the distance. "You've been nothing but trouble ever since you showed up! First you molest Motoko-"

Did not!

"Then you sit around the House all day with that stupid excuse of yours. Then you go and scare her!"

"Uh, Naru..." Motoko began, but I stopped her with a wave of my hand. Best not let her make this worse by saying something that can come out wrong.

While she verbally abused me, Naru worked her way between Motoko and myself and started forcing me back towards the stairs.

"It's your fault Motoko's been upset for a week," she continued. "Then you made her cry, and then I catch you in her room like some kind of pervert-"

"What?" Motoko blinked and looked at me.

Oh come on! Do I have to explain my every action to EVERYONE? Okay! I admit, I borked up with the shaving bit! I shouldn't have done that! But jeeze! It's NOT the end of the world.

"You're a pervert!" she continued, advancing on me even more. I almost tripped when I reached the stairs.

"Even if you ARE some weird dimensional traveler! You're a pervert, and I don't want to catch you alone with anyone else! I can only guess what you were going to do to Motoko THIS time! But I'm glad I showed up when I did to stop it!"

Okay, that's it. I've had enough of this. I've been walking on eggshells and playing games with causality trying to circumvent this situation, and wasting shitloads of time going nowhere fast only to get yelled at by a girl who's too stubborn to admit when she's misjudged a person.

"Hey," I began. "Why don't you BACK THE FUCK OFF! I wasn't going to do anything to Motoko. I was trying to HELP her!"

"All you've managed to do is upset her!" Naru spat.

"Maybe it's because she thought she KILLED ME!" I snarled.

"What makes you think I would believe you!" Naru snapped.

"I DON'T KNOW!" I roared. "I've only backed myself up with EVIDENCE! Yet you seem to dismiss anything I show you! You dismiss the transforming catgirl. You tune out the half-foot floating blond guy. You even ignore what your own best friend tells you! I'm doing my best to be nice but I just can't figure out what's with you!"

"All you show me is evidence that you used a strange method to get here!" Naru threw herself in my face, backing me down the stairs. "But you have yet to show me any reason to think you aren't a threat! Just one excuse after another."

"Don't you think that if I wanted to hurt someone I would have done it by now?" I asked. "In fact, if I wanted, I could kill everyone here in one shot!"

I DO happen to have three anti-matter rounds in my pocket. I could knock the whole building down.

"Exactly why I need to keep an eye on you!" Naru snarled. "You're dangerous!"

Oh for FUCK'S SAKE! I'VE HAD IT!

"FINE!" I snapped, my hand falling on my watch. "YOU WANT DANGEROUS!"

I suddenly took a step towards Naru. She's absolutely, mule-headedly determined to label me a threat! If I'm going to be accused of being a threat, I might as well be a threat! Playing innocent's getting me nowhere!

"YOU WANT DANGEROUS!" I repeated. "YOU WANT ME TO BE A THREAT?"

Naru seemed in that moment as I felt my eyes bulge in their sockets to rethink her assessment of me. Too fucking late...

Two-X, Four-X, Eight-X...

"HERE'S ME DANGEROUS!"

I stepped level and reached back, and Naru finally realized her mistake as her eyes went wide in panic.

Then I swung.

'CRACK!'

Naru's face went deathly white; my fist firmly embedded in a four-by-four wooden deck support beam next to her ear. The piece of wood was shattered around the impact that I'm certain she realized very well could have been her head.

I just stood there, glaring into her eyes inches away as my brain started to register the stupidity of my action.

"Once," I sucked in a breath. "There was a wall... Now... There isn't."

I swallowed as the sensation my brain was informing me about became more urgent.

"Want to be a wall?"

Naru's eyes disengaged from mine, flitting to her left to look at my outstretched arm. Then flitted back. Then she began to shake.

"Disappear," I all but managed keep my voice even.

Naru was shaking like a puppy at this point, and started to slide down away from where I had planted my fist. After a few seconds, she picked up the pace and quickly ducked down the stairs and out of sight.

Finally! It only took me all but proving her right to get her to back off... Now that she's out of the way, I can focus on just how stupid my latest stunt really was... I mean... I just...

"Luna," I choked. "LUNA!"

"What?" her voice came in from above. "What's the matter?"

"My watch," I stated, my breath beginning to come in uneven gasps. "Quick... Turn it off."

"Why can't you-" she began.

"Turn it off!" I choked out, the pitch in my voice climbing. "Turn it off!"

Luna skipped down the steps immediately as I held out my left arm.

"Off..." I repeated. "All the way... off."

Luna quickly grabbed the dial and gave a twist. I could feel the pseudo-weight settle back down and immediately extracted my fist from the shattered wood.

"Are you okay?" she asked. But I barely heard anything as I brought my hand in to cradle it against my stomach. Pain, searing, blinding pain. That was the problem here. The suit gave me the strength enhancement eight times my normal... But, unfortunately as I just learned, not the durability... My breath came in ragged gasps as I turned to hobble my way back up to the roof. Motoko was at the top of the steps looking down at what had just happened in a bit of a stupor.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

Fire, burning, pain...

"No," I choked, turning to flop down against the rail. "I just punched through solid hardwood with the strength of eight men."

Motoko blinked in confusion.

"I think I broke my hand..." I amended, fighting back the tears starting to stream down my face.

Motoko snapped out of her shock at that statement.

"Let me see," she began, crouching down next to me. "Let me see!"

The swordswoman grabbed my now lame arm and pulled it up where she could look at it. My fist was still balled tightly from when I had thrown that punch. Every attempt to open it burned with a heat of a million suns... Or so it seemed. Now, I'm pretty sure that compared to the beatings I've already taken that this was nothing. However, this seemed to hurt even more than the combined pain from the entire last week... Don't ask me why, maybe it's because there are more nerve connections in the hand than most of the rest of the human body. Maybe it's because the other times I was hurt, I was doped up on adrenaline, or borderline psychotic, or just plain unconscious. But this...

Ever slam a door on your fingers? This was like that, only a thousand times worse.

"A-HA!" I yelped as Motoko tried to pry my hand open. "STOP!"

"Quit acting like a baby!" she snapped at me. "Try and relax."

Try and RELAX she says? Quit acting like a baby she says! Okay, Motoko, go smash your hand and tell me if you can relax! It was kind of an ironic reversal though. First I try to get Motoko to stop crying, now I'm on the verge of crying. Pathetic... A grown man crying. I'm sure putting people in their place today. Look at me! The tough dimensional slider! He makes friends with goddesses, kills psychos with magic powers, and flirts with the devil herself... Let's not forget he falls apart at the first sign of injury and lets himself get bullied by girls with foul attitudes! Hoo-rah!

Curiously though, I picked up on something from the way Motoko was acting. She seemed to know what she was doing.

"You know-," I swallowed. "First aid?"

"You don't think I'd learn Kendo without learning how to deal with a few broken bones do you?" she asked.

Well, that explains that. Professional sword user, knows first aid just in case she causes harm she shouldn't have caus-

"AAAHHH!" I snarled as she worked my hand open.

"You nearly pulverized your hand!" Motoko gaped as she felt the bones beneath the skin. "You're lucky you didn't hit something harder!"

I couldn't respond for sucking in air in sharp gasps.

"What were you thinking?" Luna admonished me, looking on in surprise. "That was incredibly stupid, even for you."

"Lay off him," Motoko snapped. "I'd even pity Keitaro if he smashed his hand like this... I mean, this just... How the hell did you manage to hit that hard? I didn't feel you gather any Chi at all!"

"That suit he's wearing under his clothes enhances his strength," Luna cut in. "He probably turned it up to prove his point!"

"What?" Motoko asked. "That he could dangerous if he wanted?"

"Yes," Luna snapped as she crouched down next to me. "This is all your fault!"

"My fault?" Motoko turned with a snap. She yanked slightly on my hand as she did so, causing me to almost wail if I hadn't bit my lip to suck it in.

"MMMMM!"

"Sorry!" Motoko yelped in response.

"Yes!" Luna continued. "Your fault! Look at him! He's been worried about you all day! He's been fixated on just getting past that Naru girl just to make sure you're all right. Now he's hurt because of you!"

Luna's unusually hostile all of a sudden...

"Sorry for thinking I'd killed him!" Motoko replied defensively. "I wasn't exactly aware he'd be concerned about me!"

"Maybe if you spent a little less time trying to pretend you're a century out-moded samurai wannabe," Luna bared her teeth. "You'd notice things like that!"

"That's family tradition!" Motoko snapped. "What have you got going for you? Flea collar endorsements?"

"I happen to be a royal advisor!" Luna snapped. "My queen put her utmost trust in me!"

"So where was that advice for him then?" Motoko bit back. This was starting to get vicious.

"I'm sorry," Luna began, dripping sarcasm. "It's difficult to give advice to people when you're busy TRYING NOT TO GET YOUR TAIL SLICED OFF BY A MANIAC WITH A SWORD!"

Motoko and Luna both turned to face each other, still on their hands and knees.

"Maniac is it?" Motoko asked.

"And a bully!" Luna glared.

You don't call Motoko a bully! I learned that the hard way...

["Why you little-"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZawlJesdfKU)

"You want to do something about it?"

"Are you looking for a fight?"

"I'd be more than happy to teach you some manners!"

Why am I reminded of Ryoko and Ayek-aaahhh-OH SHIT!

I managed to yank my legs back as the two suddenly tackled each other right at my feet. The scuffle lasted for a few seconds before Motoko, with somewhat more skill in general, plus a little experience from fighting me on the ground, managed to gain the upper hand and started to put Luna into a joint lock...

However, Luna broke free of the hold by transforming into her feline form, causing Motoko to fall flat on her face. Once free, she returned to human form with another loud pop as Motoko scrambled to her feet. Then the swordswoman lunged at her, only to be caught off guard when Luna reacted much faster than anyone would have expected.

With a deft thrust, she grabbed Motoko and threw her up and over her shoulder... And a good six feet...

Motoko hit the deck with a pained yelp, and crawled to her knees, shaking her head.

"Not so rough Luna!" I snapped from grit teeth. "You don't realize your own strength1"

"I'm only going to rough her up a little bit," Luna returned without so much as looking back at me. "A little humility will do her some good."

That's not what I meant...

"Rough me up, huh?" Motoko asked as she turned her head. Then she reached out and grabbed up Shisui from where it had been sitting.

This will not end well...

"I'll show you ROUGH, DEMON! ZAN MA KEN!"

Luna's eyes widened as Motoko launched her attack. The concussion ripped across the rooftop at a little under the speed of sound, popping my ears as the pressure wave passed like the sonic boom from Yukinojo.

Luna somehow managed to dodge it. I mean, not merely dive out of the way of the attack, but sidestep the burst by the slightest margin. Wait!

Does that mean she really CAN still sense the air current?

"I'M NOT A DEMON!" Luna snapped as she jumped in close enough to prevent Motoko from launching another Zan Ma Ken.

"If it looks like a duck!" Motoko began, taking a slicing action with Shisui. "If it quacks like a duck..."

Luna ducked several slashes as she tried to get inside Motoko's swinging arc. With Motoko up to fighting speed, it looked to be impossible.

"QUACK!" Luna taunted sarcastically, suddenly grabbing Motoko's sword arm.

Motoko retaliated reflexively by yanking the Felis Sapien in and landing a judo chop-looking move on her with her almost immediately free hand. Luna crumpled to the ground with a yelp.

"Strength means nothing if you can't land a blow!" Motoko chided. "Don't think you can trick me twice!"

'POP!' Luna was in feline form again, bolting through Motoko's legs and bounding up on the rail.

"No you don't!" Motoko began. "Zan Ma-"

Luna back-flipped off the rail, right over the peak of the next blast as it turned that section into matchsticks.

I should be laughing. I really should. Motoko and Luna at each other's throat like this? But really, I'm worried I might get caught in the crossfire. Plus I wanted to evaluate Luna now that I had the chance to gauge her. Motoko's obviously the better skilled, but Luna's just so quick that she's not landed her signature move once.

I need to record this...

Camera! Where's my camera?

I grit my teeth as I worked my thumb on my lame hand. At least it wasn't crushed like my other four digits. There was a quiet 'fwip' as I opened my portal. Getting my backpack out was no easy feat. But after a few tries to loop my thumb through the carry strap, I managed it.

I had to anchor the bag under my arm and use my good hand to open it, but I managed it and retrieved my digital camera. It had a record mode complete with sound!

Batteries good! YES!

"HOLD STILL!"

Luna was back in human form, standing just in reach of Motoko's attacks, but easily stepping around several slashes and a half-dozen or so direct lunges.

"Strength means nothing if you can't land a blow!" Luna mocked. "Maybe you should listen to yourself some time!"

"Listen to this!" Motoko snapped. "Zan Ma Ken!"

This was slightly different though. She varied the angle on her swing from the overhead to a forty-five degree angle. The resulting burst of air became a short-lived cyclone instead of a shock wave. The change in routine caught Luna off guard as she moved to avoid it, and the cyclone sucked her up and spat her skyward.

Luna twisted impossibly in mid-air and came down in a three-point landing with a deck rattling 'thud'.

"Whoa," Motoko blinked. I guess she's never seen a cat recover from a fall before.

The opening was all Luna needed to pounce. Crouched from her landing was exactly like how she'd be when stalking prey in feline form, so it was impossibly easy to uncoil faster than Motoko could process the image.

For a second, I had the mental image of Calvin and Hobbes... Luna plowed right into Motoko's midsection and sent them both tumbling across the deck into the guardrail. Unfortunately, she'd over judged her spring, and ended up sandwiched between Motoko and the wooden railing boards with a bang.

"What's going on!" Kitsune came panting up the stairs as Motoko broke out of their tangle and dove for Shisui. "Naru's really upse-"

"Stay back!" I snapped.

Motoko recovered Shisui and took a desperation swipe, launching a weak Zan Ma Ken. Luna managed to leverage herself with the rail and pulled up, flinging herself into the air.

There was a crack, partially drowned out by the concussion from the Zan Ma Ken, and Luna was feline again, moving suddenly much faster through the air, sending her a good fifteen feet straight up.

Holy SHIT! She just took advantage of the conservation of momentum! And I've got it on film!

"WHOA!" Kitsune's eyes bugged out.

Luna landed on the rail on all fours and raced along it at the speed only a four-legged critter could manage. Then leapt right into Motoko before she could fully recover her feet.

"OW!" The swordswoman yelped. Luna must have dug in with her claws. "Get off me!"

Motoko grabbed Luna as the feline gave her an object lesson in pain and flung her away. The cat hit the deck with a thud and winced.

"Got you!" Motoko snarled. "Zan Ma Ken-"

Oh! Nice form, perfect head on sho-

FUCK!

I dove sideways in a roll, my mind screaming as I aggravated my hand. My ears popped and rang as the concussion blast from the Zan Ma Ken attack annihilated the rail where I had been sitting.

This just got Real.

"WATCH WHERE YOU AIM THAT THING!" I half-snarled, half-whined in pain.

"Sorry!" Motoko looked a bit nervous. "I didn't mean it!"

"This just goes to prove my point!" Luna dove in at Motoko from the side in human form once again, blind-siding her. "You're reckless!"

Motoko stumbled, taking part of the blow, but managed to leverage Luna again and forced her out in front before kicking her in the back.

"AM NOT!"

Another Zan Ma Ken, and Luna moved to dodge. However, the blast clipped her legs and threw her. Luna was putting up a wicked fight. However, slowly but surely, she was losing. Motoko was just too skilled, and used a technique designed explicitly for fighting the supernatural. Luna could only win by going for a killing blow, but that was out of the question.

"Okay," I snapped at Kitsune. "Someone has to stop them before they seriously hurt each other."

"Are you out of your mind?" Kitsune looked at me with her eyes wide. "There's no way I'm getting between Motoko and anything she'd swing that sword at!"

I don't blame you.

"Hey! Hey!" Su's voice rang out. "What's going on?"

Su came bounding up the stairs with Sara in tow to see Luna pop into feline form, rush between Motoko's legs and turn back into a human, resulting in Motoko tumbling over. That was actually a pretty smart move.

"Cool!" Sara whooped. "It's a fight! YEAH! Go cat-thing!"

"SHUT UP!" I spat in English. "Don't encourage them!"

Luna kicked Shisui away from Motoko while she was sprawled out and tackled her on the ground. Either she was going to break several of Motoko's bones with raw strength, or Motoko was going to tie her up like a pretzel and Zan Ma Ken her right off the roof at this rate. Despite Luna's momentary advantage, I really was betting on the latter.

"Who are you betting on Major?"

I turned to see Su glancing at Senbei AKA 'Major Catastrophe', rubbing his chin thoughtfully as he watched the two combatants grapple on the ground.

"Tough call," he pondered.

THAT'S IT!

"SENBEI!" I snapped.

"SIR!" He straightened out.

"Teach them both what a REAL demon is like!"

Senbei suddenly sprouted an Alucard grin... Kitsune eyed me curiously as the demon-god teleported out of sight.

Luna and Motoko were both rolling on the ground, beating on each other as the fight deteriorated into a brawl.

"Excuse me... Ladies?"

They both froze to look at the surreal image of Senbei, floating in all his pint-sized glory, just feet away. Luna was the first to react, her eyes getting very large.

"Uh oh..." she began.

"Uh oh?" Motoko glared at her. "What do you mean uh-"

Then her eyes snapped wide and she fixated on Senbei... It must be nice to be sensitive to magic and chi. It allows you to see just how much shit you're really in.

"Uh oh..."

"SHAKKIN!"

Even Su winced at what happened next.

Five minutes later, Haruka came up to the rooftop to find Kitsune wrapping my hand carefully in an Ace Bandage, trying to make sure my fingers were held straight.

"Must have been one hell of a joke," she mused. "So did your plan work or fail?"

"A little of both," I winced. "For the most part, it all happened exactly as I expected it... But I think I made a minor oversight, and that caused it to break down late."

"Are you happy with the results?" she asked.

"I wish I hadn't put my hand through a solid wooden beam," I gritted as Kitsune pulled the wrap a little tighter. "But otherwise, I'm not compla-HA-ining. Not so tight, I still need circulation."

"So what about Motoko?" Haruka asked.

"I think I figured out her problem before it all fell apart," I commented. "But you might want to keep an eye on her for a few days."

Haruka raised an eyebrow and glanced over where Luna and Motoko lay in a crumpled heap. Su was poking them with a fragment of the rail from when it had been blasted.

"I hope you two learned your lesson," I snapped. "Luna! Next time I say 'easy', you better damn well EASY."

"Got it," Luna moaned...

"Motoko," I continued.

"What?" she grumbled.

"You understand the difference between a magical catgirl and a demon now?"

"... Perfectly."

"Good," I replied. "I tried to warn you."

"I still can't believe I was beaten by a midget demon..."

I rolled my eyes, but smiled.

I think Motoko's backed to normal.

I think...

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Shisui" or 'Still Water/Still Waters': The use of this name for Motoko's replica blade can be found in Love Hina, Volume 9, page 67, frame six, first speech bubble of 'Burn up Blade Part 2.' This name was discovered doing chapter research and is otherwise easily overlooked because of its single use. As I discovered it after I began the story, it is not part of my original knowledge of the setting as I am using within the story itself. Much like many details being used. My 'knowledge base' is firmly locked into what I knew in February 2010... In this way, 'what I remember' Vs what I discover is based off added research experience. This allows me to 'make mistakes' in terms of what I have for knowledge and otherwise not know certain things, while still being able to bring up otherwise obscure canon details without seeming omniscient.
> 
> For example, the chase scene in SWTG Vol. 1 in the chapter 'Temple Tantrum' contains observations of terrain from Google Earth, and the Photo Collection of Panoramo linked to it. While it is not exactly the animated city, and a good fifteen years into the future in terms of layout, I would expect it to be an accurate enough portrayal. And having never been to Tokyo, let alone Hikawa, I would have no idea how the place is laid out.
> 
> For a bit of personal fun homework for the readers: If you can find the Temple, (Hikawa, located due north of the Shinagawa city-marker if you follow runway 34 Left from Haneda Airport into the city.) and then accurately retrace the path run based on description. You should be able to find a Panoramo photo-link showing a picture of a narrow street or alley roughly five to six feet wide, with a lamppost/power pole sticking up in the middle, next to a young woman. This is the exact lamppost Sailor Mars perched on at the end of the chapter.
> 
> Other photos of the Temple grounds itself shows what the environment would be like to my perspective. Including a little fact that if I'd been about half a block further southeast. I wouldn't have had to crawl through brush to climb the hill in 'General Chaos'.


	11. And Dirty Laundry

* * *

  **Chapter eleven: And Dirty Laundry**

_"May you live in interesting times."_

_\- Chinese Curse_

* * *

 

"So let me get this straight," Motoko began. "The entire reason you were in my bed in the first place was because you keep randomly 'teleporting' from one world to the next every time you go to sleep?"

"That's more or less the long and short of it," I shrugged.

[Seems like I trade one issue for another around here.](https://samuraipenguinstudios.bandcamp.com/track/athinsomnyaa) First I save myself from Motoko only to screw up her mind, then unscrew her mind only to have Naru in my face, and then get rid of Naru... In exchange for busting my hand up something fierce. Not to mention having Motoko and Luna attempt to beat the crap out of each other... But for all the trouble that was, I got it on camera.

Of course, with that over I was back at the teahouse, hand wrapped up and splinted to keep my fingers in place, being reminded every few seconds by the throbbing. The best I could do was distract myself from the pain by getting Motoko up to speed while I waited for my laundry to finish. I had to do it at some point; otherwise I'd run out of clothes. I just wish I had another pair of pants. I can't believe I only have one good pair. Why didn't I grab my shorts? WHY? All the more reason to find a way to make some money and buy more clothes.

Ugh... No matter... The lucky thing was those dryers in the laundry room weren't out-of-order like I had once suspected. Shinobu rather just used the clothesline on the roof to save on the electric bill. But I didn't have time to wait all day like that.

"I can't believe you didn't try to tell me last time," Motoko shook her head. "You could have avoided this whole mess if you'd just come right out with it."

"Feh!" I scoffed. "I didn't know last time. This place was only stop-number two. I thought the first 'jump' was a fluke of the universe. It took me two more jumps before I figured out when they occurred. Besides, it's not like you'd have believed me anyway."

"So why then," she continued. "Into my bed? Do you know?"

"Don't know," I shrugged. "I'd just as much like to have avoided that. As we're both well aware, popping up in your bed was not met with a very warm reception."

"I... see," Motoko looked away as if ashamed. "I apologize for that."

I waved it away.

"Don't fret over it," I shrugged. "I can't blame you for a natural reaction to a stranger appearing in your bed. Even if it did hurt like hell."

"Not just that," Motoko shook her head. "But my conduct later was also unacceptable. I pursued you for petty vengeance even though it was obvious you were in no condition for a fight. I acted just as you had said, like... Like a bully. My actions were dishonorable."

Motoko promptly got out of her seat threw herself into that absurdly formal prostrating bow the Japanese use when asking for deep forgiveness... The name of which eluded me at the moment.

"Get up," I ordered. "You're being silly."

Motoko looked up at me confused before slowly returning to a spot across from me. Luna let a small smirk appear on her human face before I forced her to suppress it with a momentary glance.

"Shit's over and done with," I continued. "Just forget about it, there was nothing inherently bad about your actions. You thought I was some kind of sick pervert, you were wrong. That's all."

"But-" she began.

"No more," I raised my good hand. "It's okay. I forgive you. You forgive me. We're even."

"Okay," she sighed, seeming to relax more than she had. "So when you jump, you land in bed with another girl, and each one is from what in your world is a piece of fictional work."

I nodded.

"I think that's rather creepy," Motoko stated bluntly. "No offense, it just is."

"Fair enough," I shrugged. "But consider my perspective for a moment. You just get creeped out by the pseudo-stalker routine. I have to play 'dodge the killer female' repeatedly. I've landed next to over half a dozen women and had to either fast-talk my way out of it, or fight back. The thing I can't figure out is the fact that they're all from fiction I know. It's as if someone's looked into my head and gotten a list of my favorite characters and thrown me into it."

"Wait," Motoko interrupted. "All your favorite characters?"

"Yeah," I sighed. "Like something or someone's reading my mind."

I looked up, and Motoko was blushing a new shade of red. Oh HELL... Here we go again.

"D- Does that make ME your favorite?" she asked demurely.

"Motoko," I sighed, resting my head in the palm of my good hand. "Now's not the time..."

"Right! Right..." She nodded quickly, averting her gaze and trying to fight away her blush.

This is definitely going to be a regular pattern. They're all characters I like. They're all female. I'm male. Obviously they're going to see it as some kind of affection. I just hope nobody takes it the wrong way. If I really am going on a loop of previous visits... It would be good to know what they might think ahead of time.

Ritsuko and/or Airi will be my next landing if things go according to pattern. Technically, while she's young enough to be a kid sister to me, Ritsuko's more my favorite character out of the two... Gun nut and all that. She'd probably freak out if she read it the wrong way.

Rei's unpredictable. Her personality is a touch abrasive, but if what Washu said pans out accurately, about mutual stress and bonding, she might be a touch more affectionate than I'd be comfortable with. I doubt Luna's going to keep things a secret there. I'll just have to be prepared. Rei might go off like a firecracker, or I could end up her personal shopping cart.

Shampoo might be flattered at the revelation... But if Mousse is any indication, she's rather single minded, and probably won't care.

Marller on the other hand... She's a demon, and does not take affection very well. Especially affection from humans...

And Quattro?

Fuck Quattro! I have no intent of letting her or anyone else there know about what's going on. The more I can keep them in the dark, the better for everyone.

"So," Motoko continued into my thoughts. Looks like she's gotten over her blushing. "You're getting to meet all your favorite characters from stories. I always thought that would be kind of cool myself. Like if I got to meet Miyamoto Musashi..."

"You would THINK," I laughed. "But trust me when I tell that it's nowhere near as easy as it sounds."

I raised my right hand.

"Case in point..."

Motoko nodded.

"I'm a computer geek," I continued. "I work on the computer, write music, play video games. I'm not an adventure hero by a long shot. I have some military training, which is where I learned that trick that kept you from killing me for real the first time. But it's been a while, so I'm kind of out of shape."

"So I've noticed," Motoko gave me the once over with an appraising look. "You're face is round, your frame is stocky, and your appearance leaves room for improvement. I would never have guessed military training looking at you."

"The look you gave me when you got your first good look at me pretty much told me what you thought," I chuckled. "I must have been a mess too. "

"You smelled rancid," Motoko smirked, looking up up to the right in an attempt to avert her gaze. "Like you hadn't had a bath in a week."

"It was the nanites," I shrugged. "They weren't geared to the damage you inflicted, and they almost boiled me in my own sweat. Ask Haruka."

"It must have been terrible," the humor was becoming contagious.

"You should have seen the look on Kitsune's face though," I started laughing outright at the memory. "She was planning to take advantage of me, I could tell. And then the wind changed direction, and she went like this-"

I made the face Kitsune had made.

"And whatever she was doing fell flat faster than Naru trying to put Keitaro into LEO."

Motoko laughed. I don't think I've ever heard her actually laugh. Then suddenly she stopped.

"What's LEO?" she asked. Though the phrase came out sounding like 'Ree-oh'

"Huh?" I began, and then the question caught up. "Oh... Low Earth Orbit."

Motoko made a blank face for a few seconds and then she caught on and started to giggle... Covering her mouth this time to try and retain some semblance of dignity.

"But yes it sucked," I continued. "It sucked... I was tired, hurting, frustrated, and hungry. All I had to eat after breakfast was a few bananas."

"I promise I'll make it up to you," Motoko laughed. "I owe you that much at least."

"Bah!" I waved my hand.

"I mean it," Motoko glared at me suddenly. "I put you through hell last week, and you still had the guts to get past Naru and talk to me. I don't care what you say, I owe you."

"Fine," I sighed. "It's not like I can stop you when you get like that."

There was a pause as Motoko thought about it before she suddenly perked up.

"I know," she smirked. "I'll come with you!"

'ERRRT!' That's the sound of my mind slamming on the brakes.

"Come again?" I asked.

"I'll come with you," Motoko nodded more seriously. "You had to deal with a demon right? That means you have to fight. And I'm much better at that kind of thing than you are. And a little field training would be good for my sword."

Then she motioned with her head to the side.

"Plus I get to try out my new sword..."

I glanced at Luna with my eyes half-lidded, then gave her the Spock Eyebrow. Luna just scowled slightly and rolled her eyes. Motoko had no idea what she was getting into.

A little part of me that was sarcastic decided to kick in here. It was almost automatic.

"Sure," I looked at her, doing my best to keep my face neutral. "You can come along if you want."

Motoko smirked confidently.

"You just have to sleep with me."

And her face went from excited to thunderstruck in zero point eight seconds flat.

"Wh-wh-WHAT?" she almost shouted, blushing to levels beyond anything she'd managed to this point.

"You want to be on top or bottom?" I continued, dropping my gaze and playing with a salt shaker as if I was asking for her shoe size.

"I- wh- h..." she stuttered. "What kind of thing is that to ask a young maiden?"

"Maiden," Luna scoffed. I just ignored her comment. Luna was still sore about Motoko's attempt to 'exorcise' her.

"The truth," I continued to hold my neutral look.

"The-" Motoko continued. She seemed to be completely unable to figure out what to think. Her normal 'anti-men' reaction was warring with her seemingly new trust of me. And also at war with that hidden bit of romantic mindset she suppressed. "But to- How dare- With y- I mean so soon, but I'm- And it's..."

Funny how this worked... You say something with a double meaning and you can bet that ninety percent of the time people will take it the wrong way. It didn't help that I did it on purpose, but still... I could barely keep from laughing at Motoko's response. It was just that funny. I'd better quit while I'm ahead though. Before I mess her up again.

"Focus," I raised my elbow and let it drop onto the table.

Motoko finally used the interruption to collect herself.

"Surely you don't mean that," she asked. "Right?"

"Get your mind out of the gutter," I commented. "It's how the jumps work. Think about it for a second. I go to sleep; I jump. I appear next to a girl who's also asleep. That means that anything or anyone that goes with me has to be there when I go to sleep. And from the looks of things, in direct contact with me."

Motoko said nothing, but she continued to blush around a shocked look.

"So more or less, to go with me, you have to 'sleep' with me in a very literal sense."

I looked at Luna, who nodded in confirmation. Motoko took a glance, then did a double take.

"Does that mean that she..." she began... "And you..."

Gutterbrain...

"Luna," I sighed, rolling my eyes.

'POP!'

Luna landed on the table on all fours and sat down, tilting her head.

"Can you do this?" the feline asked. "I think not."

Motoko spent several seconds thinking as she tried to come up with the right response.

"Your choice," I continued. "If you're coming along, it's top or bottom. I'd pick top if I were you... I'm heavier than you are."

"I- I think I'll pass," Motoko commented, sounding dazed.

"Okay," I nodded. Phew, trouble avoided. Try explaining Motoko as well as myself to the next person in line... I guess that Motoko's refusal to take that option means that she's not infatuated with me as Washu had suggested. "You can do something for me though..."

Motoko looked at me expectantly.

"If I show up next to you again," I began. "Do nothing, just let me sleep."

"But-" Motoko began. "You... You're a man. I can't just let you sleep next to me like that! What would people think? It's not right!"

"Tell that to whatever entity is pulling this crap," I tilted my head. "It's not like I'm going to do anything... Well, I might roll over and squash you."

I made a slight chuckle, but Motoko's blush was back, and the joke fell flat.

"It's completely unacceptable!" she continued, fighting valiantly to control her voice. "How is that any different from your other proposal?"

"The first one you get a choice," I pointed out.

"And this one doesn't?" She asked. "That's just wrong! It's not fair!"

"DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT FAIR!" I snapped in my 'drill' voice, causing both Motoko and Luna to jump back visibly at my outburst.

"Sorry," I sighed. "But I mean it. Nothing has been fair to me since this mess started. If it upsets you so much that you don't get a choice here, remember that I don't either. If I end up coming back here, I'm probably going to land next to you. I don't get any more say in the matter than you do. In fact, I've got the short end of the stick in all this... So the best we can do here is deal with it, or not deal with it."

There was silence for several long seconds. In that time Motoko glanced off into the distance, lost in thought. It wasn't fair. This whole mess just wasn't fair. Not for them, since they had to put up with me. And certainly not for me, seeing as I didn't even do anything to start this... I just woke up some place and it went from there.

"Fine," Motoko looked at me suddenly. "But let me warn you... Try anything, and I might forget I like you."

"Thanks," I nodded, seeming to feel a load come off my shoulders. "If I survive the next week I'll be sure to-"

Wait what did she-

"Hey!" Kitsune suddenly interrupted, walking into the small cafe. "Your laundry's done."

"Already?" I asked, dropping my previous line of thought. "That was quick."

"Those brown shirts of yours are almost paper thin," she shrugged. "What's with those anyway? Don't you have any style at all? The only other thing you have is that one black shirt with the weird face on it."

"I don't go places," I shrugged... Correction: "Well, I didn't go places..."

Kitsune shook her head.

"Thanks for doing that for me though," I continued. I didn't want Kitsune of all people to pry into what my social life had been like. The last thing I need is HER attempting anything. "I'd have done that myself except-"

"Yeah, yeah," she waved it away. "Motoko wouldn't let you. That's okay. I can handle a few dirty clothes."

The way she said that, I caught the gleam in her ever-squinty eyes. When I looked straight at her and raised my eyebrow, she gave me the ever-slightest smirk that said 'you owe me another one, heh heh heh...'

"So I've noticed, Nabiki," I commented cryptically. Motoko missed it while Luna made the slightest wincing motion... But Kitsune simply gave me a V sign before quickly changing topics.

"You seem to be getting along with Motoko quite well now," she commented, grabbing a nearby chair. "Much better than before, and certainly a good deal better than last week."

"I think we've come to an understanding," I nodded at Motoko in front of me.

"An. Acceptable arrangement," she nodded with only a slight pause. "How's Naru?"

"Still a little shaky," Kitsune shrugged. "But calm now. She eyed to phone several times. I think she was trying to decide if she was going to call the police are not."

"Did you let her know that probably wouldn't do any good?" I asked.

"Eh..." Kitsune shrugged. "I just asked her what she thought the police could do to someone who could teleport right out of a jail cell. After that, she quit. But she was wishing Keitaro were here... I'm so keeping that one for later."

"Heh," I smirked. "When faced with someone 'worse', she finally realizes how good it is with Keitaro around."

"Well," Kitsune glanced at Motoko. "I have to admit Keitaro's a regular handy-man having to work repairs on the place all the time. Though his peeping can be annoying at times."

"I haven't been able to figure out if he's doing it on purpose," Motoko sighed. "Or if he's really just that plain clueless."

"I think it's more the latter," I shrugged. "Mixed with a little rule of funny."

"Rule of funny?" Motoko asked as if I had suddenly become a frothing lunatic.

"Yeah," I nodded. "A little trick of causality around here. It's kind of hard to explain with a straight face. Mainly because it sounds insane... But I know it works after earlier."

"That's right!" Luna piped up. "Your plan..."

"Plan?" Motoko asked, looked between the two of us for a few seconds.

"I need to explain that don't I?" I asked Luna. The feline simply nodded.

"Yeah," Kitsune nodded. "Whatever you were doing earlier didn't seem to make any sense. You wanted Naru away from the tea-house, but you never said exactly why, and you weren't even there anyway."

"Uh..." Motoko raised her hand. "Am I missing something?"

"Controlled Chaos," I explained simply. "In order to talk to you, I had to get past Naru first. But I couldn't do that without becoming the butt-end of a joke."

Motoko looked at me like I was crazy.

"What?" she asked.

"Okay," I sighed. "I'll have to explain this from square one. Near as I can tell, this universe-"

I waved my good hand about.

"-Seems to operate on a kind of law of causality I would term the Rule of Funny."

"What exactly does that mean?" Motoko asked.

"It means..." I grabbed the notebook I had been using earlier and anchored it under my bad arm, then snatched up the pen. "That for every logical solution to a problem, if there is an equal, yet more comical solution, the latter is more likely to occur. Think of it as a variation in probability."

No dice...

"Okay look," I continued. "We'll use Keitaro as an example here. You know Keitaro well enough. Let's assume that he's been out all day, but has to come in and clean the onsen."

I sketched a circle on the paper.

"Now," I continued. "For simplicity's sake: Let's assume that the onsen is either occupied, or unoccupied. Time of day doesn't matter. And Keitaro does not know the status one way or the other because he's been out all day. You following?"

Motoko nodded but wasn't sure where I was going with this. I quickly drew a slash through my image and wrote the number 'fifty' on each side.

"Alright," I continued. "Given that there is a fifty-fifty chance between occupied, and unoccupied. How often should Keitaro stumble into you guys, vs. how often should he go about his routine without a hitch?"

"Fifty percent," Motoko commented. "About half the time."

"Right," I nodded. "How often does this play out?"

"A lot more than fifty percent," Kitsune submitted.

"Exactly," I pointed my pen at her. "Why would you think that is?"

"Because Keitaro is a pervert?" Motoko asked, unsure.

"You'd think," I nodded. "However, how often does he get caught 'peeping' at everyone?"

"Every single time," Kitsune pointed out. "As far as I can tell. He couldn't hide if his life depended on it."

"Right," I nodded. "Keitaro seems to peep a LOT, but he gets caught every single time. And when he gets caught... Well, Naru puts him through a wall, or Motoko here sends him flying. Take your pick. Given the end result of this action, it is logical that Keitaro would either learn how to not get caught peeping or stop peeping were he doing it on purpose. Make sense?"

Motoko nodded.

"So why then," I continued. "Does he seem to peep on you guys a WHOLE LOT, and get caught every single time, if logically, he wouldn't do it on purpose?"

I glanced between the two Hinata residents for several seconds. Motoko looked like she wanted to say something, but kept her mouth shut.

"Consider this." I continued at length. "As an outsider, which is more funny? Keitaro going about his business, or Keitaro walking into a 'situation' and getting his ass kicked?"

"You sure he's not just a masochist?" Kitsune asked.

"Has he ever said 'oh yeah!' after getting put through a wall before?" I asked.

Kitsune said nothing.

"Wait," Motoko cut in. "So what you're saying that because of this 'Rule of Funny,' it is more likely for Keitaro to accidentally stumble in on me in the onsen than not?"

I nodded.

"That's absurd."

I tilted my head to the side.

"Absurd?" I asked. "Yes..."

"But..." Luna added.

"But it works," I nodded to my feline companion. "I proved it with Washu yesterday. And I saw it in action in the kitchen today."

"So what's this got to do with this plan of yours?" Motoko asked.

"Simple," I continued. "As an outsider, what's more funny? Me talking to you without incident? Or getting my ass chased around Hinata non-stop for six hours every time I try to go near you?"

"So your plan had to bypass that?" Kitsune furrowed her brow.

"Yes," I nodded. "But it wasn't that simple. Because plans themselves are included in the Rule of Funny; Plans BACKFIRE."

Kitsune's eyes shot wide.

"Naru got into the kitchen!" she realized.

"Exactly!" I pointed at her.

"What?" Motoko was lost.

"Plans always backfire," Kitsune pointed out. "Especially ours for some reason. They backfire because it's funny for them to backfire!"

"Right!" I nodded.

"So your plan," Luna continued. "Was designed to take advantage of that?"

"Yes," I nodded. "But not just that, because reverse plans can backfire as well by going exactly how they're planned. The key is in the planned outcome."

Motoko just watched the three of us in rapt fascination as I began to sketch a block diagram of Hinata similar to earlier on the sheet of paper.

"The goal was to talk to Motoko without having to wrestle my way past Naru," I continued. "In order to do that, I had to remove Naru from the vicinity."

"But if you do that," Kitsune nodded. "You simply ensure that Naru will be there."

"And if you try to do it in reverse," Luna's ears were standing straight up. "She's STILL there."

I nodded.

"So I had to figure out how to remove Naru from the mix, without seeming like I was TRYING to remove Naru from the mix."

"You built a plan, whose goals were to go nowhere and do nothing," Kitsune pointed out. "Your objective was to use the plans themselves backfiring in order to keep Naru completely distracted without actually attempting to move her anywhere relative to Motoko."

"This is insane," Motoko shook her head... "I mean, to plan like you were expecting a joke to happen. Just how many plans was this?"

"Four," I stated in a no-nonsense tone.

Motoko's mouth nearly hit the table.

"FOUR?"

"FOUR," I nodded, holding up my newly recreated diagram showing a dot where Motoko was, and four arrows pointing between the teahouse and the onsen with lots of scribbles running through them. "Two destinations, two counter-destinations. Try and get Naru to one location, count on it backfiring, so play the reverse at the same time. Then repeat with another destination so that Naru would be stuck in a loop of to-and-from with these two locations. Once that's set up, everything else is ignored in the chaos."

Motoko seemed to have an epiphany.

"Controlled chaos!" she snapped.

I nodded.

Motoko smiled, proud of herself to understanding how my plan worked.

"So everything that was going on earlier," Luna began.

"Nothing but one elaborate decoy," I finished.

"And..." Motoko began. "It actually... worked."

The swordswoman focused her attention on me again, a look that couldn't decide if it was one of wonder, or of shock on her face.

"No," Kitsune shook her head. "It failed."

"But he-" Motoko began.

"It failed because Naru still showed up," Kitsune pointed out.

"Yeah," I nodded. "Exhibit A..."

I held up my lame hand again.

"Something screwed up," I continued. "It worked long enough for me to get PAST Naru, but Naru still showed up."

I picked my pen up and tapped on the paper with the ballpoint a few times thinking.

"The question is: What?"

Looking down at the page, I started to rework the entire setup in my mind, mumbling in English as I went. I missed something in the setup phase. Knowing my luck, probably something obvious.

"Well," Motoko expressed into my thoughts. "Didn't she show up with the Demon Cat?"

"How many times does it have to be explained that I'm NOT a demon?" Luna snapped.

"Well usually if it's not human-" Motoko began in a raised voice.

"Enough!" I snapped, shutting them both up. "Now what were you saying Motoko?"

"Well, what was SHE supposed to be doing in this plan of yours?"

"Naru seemed to trust her," I continued. "So she was supposed to contract Naru for protection from YOU while she got that bath she's been wanting... You never did get that bath, did you Luna?"

Luna shook her head, and then Motoko raised her hand.

"Wouldn't Naru simply confront me herself?" she asked. "Wouldn't it be faster to just resolve the issue herself?"

I dropped my pen on the table and simply glanced at Motoko with a satisfied look on my face as I leaned back in my chair.

"That's it," I nodded. "You hit the nail on the head."

Yep... It was an obvious mistake. Motoko was on the outskirts of one of the plans. Which means she'd inevitably get involved. It was a mistake that could be summed up in one word.

"Oops..."

"Wait a minute," Kitsune cut in. "A tiny little factor like that can derail a whole complex plan that easily?"

I nodded. Kitsune leaned back in her chair, resting her hand on her chin while immersed in thought.

"Pulling something like that off is harder than I thought," she mused.

"Not thinking of attempting something like that yourself are you?" I asked.

"Huh?" she looked up. "I don't know, just seems like a challenge."

Hmm...

"I don't think you could pull it off," I added.

"What?" Kitsune asked. "What makes you think I can't do it?"

"I have two big advantages over you," I pointed out. "One: I'm an outsider, so by my very nature I'm not bound to the rule of funny as far as I can tell. Which means I'll probably notice it better than you can. Two: I have the advantage of knowing you guys almost inside and out. So I know what strings to pull, and what buttons to press."

"So what's that got to do with her not being able to pull a plan like that off?" Motoko asked.

"I have all those advantages and I still screwed it up," I answered. "How will Kitsune hope to match me if she's blind to the Rule of Funny, and doesn't have the same level of working knowledge of her targets that I do?"

"Easy," Kitsune grinned. "I'll spend more than five minutes sketching it up on a notepad."

"Heh," I smirked wryly. "You do that then. I'm going to find some place a nice safe distance away to watch. I think the surface of the moon should do nicely."

"What's that supposed to mean?" the aptly named 'Fox' asked in response.

"Nothing," I feigned innocence before suddenly belting out another yawn. Mentally noting this, I pushed up away from the table with my good arm. "Anyway, I better go grab my laundry."

"Wait up," Motoko stood up in response. Luna quickly bounded off the table and returned to humanoid form with a pop, startling Kitsune in the process.

"I don't think I can get used to that," she laughed.

A previous assessment of mine concerning the Hinata residents. They must be fit. Indeed, after having been up and down the stairs to the teahouse more than half a dozen times today, I could see the workout they must be getting. With my strength settings turned all the way off, I had to work to climb the steps.

Motoko, who was walking up the steps next to me, wasn't even breathing any harder than before. To tell the truth, it was making me kind of self-aware at my body's shape again. Once upon a time, I could run two miles, haul around eighty-pound bags like they were just another backpack, and not even notice a few flights of stairs in the process...

Now I can't even climb half way up these stairs without having to mentally gear up as if I were preparing to run a lap at a dead sprint.

How the 'mighty' have fallen...

"Dammit." I muttered in English.

"What?" Motoko looked at me.

"Nothing," I spoke up. "Just pissed at myself for being in crappy shape. I used to be conditioned for this kind of thing. Now I've lost it."

"Work hard," Motoko replied. "And you'll get it back."

"Yeah," I nodded, a scowl crossing my features as my pessimistic side took hold. "If I'm not dead before then... "

Motoko paused for a moment while I continued to climb. Once at the top, I stopped to wait for the others, then moved on. My mood was quickly turning sour at my own self-loathing. I hate getting like this. I turn into Mr. Groucho and then I don't want to be bothered by anyone. Just spend a few hours locked in my room listening to-

"I know what I need!" I suddenly snapped. My sudden explanation caused the three girls to nearly jump when I suddenly started digging into my pocket.

"What?" Luna asked. "What do you need?"

"You'll see..." I smirked. "Hah!

I pulled out Washu's little gravity based MP3 player and brandished it to them.

"Music," I concluded. "Heheh... I'm glad Washu stuck this in my pocket before we left. My Ipod was dead."

Now I just have to figure out how to use it...

Instead of retrieving my clothing, my mind was temporarily occupied by working out how Washu's little gravity player, or GMP3000 (It actually said it in English lettering) worked. Two sets of buttons were labeled 'volume' and 'radius', again, in English. Washu must have designed this more with me in mind. That or the general galactic populace used a lot of mixed in English. I still don't get how the Galaxy Police could apply English but use Japanese.

Getting it turned on didn't take long. Aside from the unique features, the little disk had a control scheme like your average Ipod or MP3 Jukebox. Once it was on, the screen displayed the volume in decibels, and a radius in meters. Then it displayed the usual fare, repeat, shuffle, playlist... That kind of thing.

"ACDC," I commented. "Andy Hunter, more Andy Hunter. Huh..."

Oh that's right, she copied the contents of my Ipod, which was a copy of all the MP3s I could find on my computer... Ah! AHAH!

"Ahahahaha!" I laughed.

"What?" Motoko looked at me warily.

"My music!" I laughed. "My tracks are in here too!"

If the track labeled 'Asteroid Mine' was any indication anyway.

"What's the big deal about that?" Motoko rolled her eyes as I turned to set the player down for a moment.

"I write music remember?" I grinned as I snapped open the dryer to retrieve my shirts. "I put this stuff up on Youtube and everything."

"Uh, What's Youtube?" Kitsune asked.

"Oh yeah," I sighed. "Temporal offset crap... I'm in twenty-ten... You're in like, ninety-nine or two thousand."

Without thinking, I turned around and accidentally thumped my bandaged hand into the dryer door.

"GFFFLT," I choked, but did my best to shake it off. God DAMMIT I hate when I do that.

"Here," Motoko shook her head and stepped in to grab the remainder of my clothes. "Before you bust that hand up even more."

"Thanks," I gritted my teeth. After making sure I wasn't going to slice a hole in the wall or a washing machine (or any of the three females in the room), I managed to open my portal with the help of my thankfully still functional thumb.

"Shouldn't you fold them?" Motoko asked me.

"They're all undershirts," I shook my head.

"So you write music?" Kitsune continued as Motoko shrugged and tossed my shirts right into the portal.

"Yeah," I nodded. "Been doing it for about five years now."

"What kind?" she asked.

"Eh," I shrugged. "A mix. A lot of what I like to call 'power orchestra', some techno styled things mixed in."

I've been asked this set of questions so many times it's not funny. It has been my experience that the best way to explain my music to a person without any formal schooling in the matter myself, to simply play a track.

"Here," I turned and picked up the GMP3k where I had set it. It only [took a second to find play](https://samuraipenguinstudios.bandcamp.com/track/asteroid-mine).

Now, in the last week or so, I hadn't had any chance at all to show off what I was really good at. Sure, I've done my fair share of impressing the likes of Luna and others by stumbling my way through this situation with all the collective grace of a bull in a china shop...

But I haven't yet had a real chance to show off my hobbies. Music writing is one of said hobbies. It's too bad I didn't get into it sooner, or I might have been even better at it by now. Either way, I'm self-taught in the art of making music. My Theory is absolute crap, but I play it by ear. It helped that my uncle is an industry professional, and taught me the keys to good mixing and mastering.

The fun part is that the electrical side of working with the music equipment was very close to working on satellite communications equipment. So my training in that, especially signal flow, really made it easy to switch over to, and understand musical recording equipment...

Of course, if I attempted to explain the complexities of the human ear and human hearing to the current party present, I would probably get nothing but blank looks. Kitsune might know more than she lets on, but I doubt it. And Motoko?

I doubt she knows much about acoustics. She knows swords, not sounds.

Then of course, there was Luna, with her super sensitive cat hearing... At which I immediately remembered to turn it down. By the time the song hit the first peak, it was clear Kitsune was enjoying it. Motoko just remained neutral.

"So," Kitsune grinned when it was over. "Do you need a manager?"

"Not you," I shook my head.

Kitsune gave me a rather showy pout. Obviously not serious...

"You do realize," Luna interrupted. "If Rei finds out about this, she'd going to try and get you to write songs for her."

"She has nowhere near the equipment required to produce high quality music," I replied. "But now that you mention it..."

I never thought about that. I'm a music writer; Rei wants to be a singer. Maybe when this shit's all over and done with, and I've found a way to ensure that I can fix that world so it doesn't end in tears and fire, I can hit up Rei for some actual recording.

After all, my gear is second rate, but it's twenty years ahead of anything from half the worlds I've been to.

You know... That might just be a way to make money. Lord knows I need money at the moment. Hmm... What's my next stop? If everything goes according to pattern...

"Okay," I nodded, turning off the GMP3k. "Let's go Luna."

"Er," she began. "What?"

"Bed time," I shrugged, walking out into the main entrance of the annex. "We have things to do..."

Now I just needed my other 'companion'. But he's somewhere with Su. How am I supposed to find him?

"Wait," Motoko blinked. "You're leaving?"

"Yeah," I nodded.

"Just like that?"

"I have to sleep at some point," I glanced at her. "Otherwise I'm going to start getting antsy, grouchy, and generally a lot less nice to be around. Right Luna?"

Luna winced, obviously remembered how borderline psychotic I was in the middle of Shampoo's rampage.

Hmm... Why not?

"SENBEI!" I bellowed in my 'Drill' voice. "FRONT AND CENTER!"

There was a momentary delay in which everyone had damn near leapt out of their skin at my shouting, and the sudden, starling pop as Senbei quickly teleported into the room, rigid as a tent stake.

"Here!" he snapped, looking a bit nervous. Okay, maybe the drill voice in that tone wasn't the right thing to use. But it worked.

"Time to go," I advised.

"You tired enough for it?" Luna asked. "Washu had to gas us to put you to sleep before. You think you can pass out here?"

I stopped and frowned. Luna's right. I'm acting like I'm about to jump in my car and go on a road trip, not hit the sack. How am I supposed to 'sleep on command' here? It's not like Washu can remote-gas us or anything...

"You're right..." I sighed. "This might prove to be a problem."

I turned to Motoko and Kitsune.

"Got any Nyquil?" I joked.

Wait... That's not a bad idea.

"Wait," I blinked. "Where's the medicine cabinet?"

Kitsune perked up and showed me into the kitchen. She always kept aspirin and other such things in a cabinet there in case of a hangover. I was tempted to explain that a little something to eat and a quart of water would kill most hangovers faster than you'd ever think possible, but decided to skip it.

Now, if they had the usual mix of household medications here, they should have...

"What are you looking for?" Luna asked as I started rapidly rummaging through their medicines. It didn't help I still couldn't read any of the labels. But then again, what I was looking for would have an obvious bottle design.

"No," I muttered. "No... No... No..."

"Need help?" Kitsune asked.

"Start reading the labels for anything that contains the active ingredient Diphenhydramine Hydrochloride," I instructed.

Kitsune quickly started sorting through the small pile of bottles and boxes (some of them seemed to be leftover medicines Grandma Hina must have used.) while I went through a few more with ingredient labels I could read. After a few seconds Kitsune suddenly turned and handed me a small blue box.

"I see what you're up to," she smirked.

I took the box from her and looked at it. Pills, I hate pills.

"DREWELL," I noted the cosmetic use of English on the front of the box.

I flipped it around.

Incomprehensible babble... And then: '50mg'

"Diphenhydramine?" I asked.

Kitsune nodded.

Fifty milligrams? Holy-

"That'll work," I chuckled.

"So what are you after?" Luna asked again.

"Effectively," I turned to her, holding up the box. "Sleeping pills."

And here all I wanted was some Benadryl...

 

 

 


	12. RTFM

* * *

  **Chapter twelve: R.T.F.M.**

_"There are no accidents."_

_\- Master Oogway, Kung Fu Panda_

* * *

 

"Definitely a loop," I commented between mouthfuls of rice. "The order is exactly the same. Three worlds and counting."

"Well that simplifies things," Washu's voice crackled in my ear. "If this loop keeps up predictably, you'll end up meeting everyone you've already met, and things should start to settle down as they become accustom to your appearance and method thereof."

"Yeah," I commented. "Assuming nobody's pissed at me too much of course..."

"Why do you say that?" the scientist crackled back.

Heh... Funny story that.

Well, to fill people in on what happened between Hinata, and my latest meal of plain old rice. I took two DREWEL tablets and found a place to crash before the effects could kick in.

The same routine as before: I find a spot to crash, Luna lies on my chest, and off we go as soon as I passed out.

I would like to say for the record that I feel the most rested seemingly after I wake up from dreams. Must be that REM sleep or something. I don't know. But for once after a week, I dreamed.

And boy, did I dream.

This particular dream seemed straightforward enough. I sat down in front of my computer to play some Mortal Kombat. My favorite characters were Scorpion, Mitsurugi, Heihachi, Luna, and Evangeline AK McDowell.

This time around, I selected Luna and equipped her with extra plasma grenades. The first battle would be Luna Vs Excel-Excel and took place in the Super Secret Lair of ACROSS under the vantage of Lord Ilpalazzo.

It was an easy fight considering Excel had no effective attacks and spent half the match taunting.

I admit, things started to get weird when I smashed her through the wall and continued the fight on the deck of an aircraft carrier. Though Motoko just dropped to her knees when her health points ran out.

Round two against Narusegawa started with a Shouryuken that I managed to block before taking the smash ball and gaining Luna's Final Smash. A move where in Luna summoned up some mana and called in a B-1b that I was flying in Flight Sim X to drop cluster bombs. Eliciting a loud single crack... Which was odd for a cluster bomb, but not too concerning since I won.

With the sub-boss thoroughly defeated, it was time to face the final boss.

Omega Chuck Norris.

This lasted about as long as you'd expect it to. Chuck has no hit box, so he just cracked his knuckles, and roundhouse kicked the sun right into Luna.

K.O.

Which of course, frustrated the snot out of me, causing me to throw the controller down, as it was the fifth time I attempted to defeat Chuck... And as usual, like every other time, her turned to me as a car slammed down next to him and said:

'Okay, you really need to wake up...' In Airi's voice.

That wasn't right...

When I came to, my brain tried to process exactly what kind of scene I was looking at. I'm not sure entirely what transpired, but Luna was standing over me, one hand closed over Ritsuko's pistol, holding it just enough off angle to keep the girl from using the weapon, and her other hand closed around Junpei's wrist, which in turn had a hold of the felis-sapien's neck...

It took me another thirty seconds of blank staring before my mind actually caught up with the situation.

Being fixated on Chuck Norris talking in Airi's voice, and the subsequent mental assessment that she really COULD act to pull something like THAT off had that kind of effect on a groggy mind.

Once I realized I was sitting right in the middle of a Mexican Standoff however, my mind did its best to make with the peacekeeping.

The reason for the hostilities was actually Senbei. Though the little guy's stealth was impeccable, Celcia could feel his demonic aura clear as day the moment she woke up. Of course, she thought it was Luna, freaked out, and pretty much set the others in motion.

That left me with a bit of explaining to do.

They of course, wanted to know what happened the week before. As like all my other locations, when I vanished there was a loud pop. I'm pretty certain now that the pop was the sound made because air was filling the space I had occupied. Either way, the sound had startled Mike into coming to a dead stop, throwing Junpei right off the front of the tank, and would have thrown Airi if she hadn't had the sense to actually hold on knowing a cat spirit might be prone to random pit stops.

Trying to explain where I had gone, and why, was no easy task. But even as I explained myself, I mentally confirmed what I had noticed in terms of patterns. I really was looping...

Giving the shorthand, idiot-proof version of my adventures in the last week so that Junpei would understand it was the easy part. It was convincing Celcia that Senbei was only 'Evil' on paper that was the killer here.

Okay, you try to explain to a person who's worldview was based on something similar to Dungeons and Dragons character alignments about the Yin Vs Yang balance of 'Good' and 'Evil', or the humanized approach to such personalities. Explaining it to Luna had been easy comparatively. Celcia was more deeply entrenched in her bias thanks to being the Elder of common elves, and their greatest sorceress.

Airi was helpful here, being the calm center of the group. She more readily understood what I tried to explain and managed to calm Celcia down by citing that she believed everything to be okay. If Airi thought everything was cool, that seemed to be good enough for Celcia.

Explaining that Luna was a magical transforming cat was easy. The group was familiar with outlandish magic and transformations, and she had popped into human form to protect us from retaliation.

The question that got me was: How did I manage to sleep through the shouting?

Short answer? I downed over four times the amount of something that normally about knocked me out with a regular dose.

Longer answer? The above, and the fact that back in military training I learned to sleep in a room filled with other guys, blaring a stereo at full blast, and dealt with a field training exercise that involved CS-Gas by grumbling, turning over, and going back to sleep.

Yeah, if you're tired enough, you can sleep through anything.

Except maybe Motoko attempting to punt your rib cage out the window... But if you can sleep through that, you're effectively in a coma.

Once I had all the mandatory explanations out of the way, things seemed to calm down. Honestly, Those Who Hunt Elves were some of the most rational of the groups I've landed in. After the kind of wakeup calls I got from other worlds, including Love Hina. Not having to immediately start plotting for my survival was rather welcome.

Then it was a matter of giving Luna and Senbei the basic run down of this world. Once I had explained the basic plot to her, Luna's response was rather blunt.

"What is it with you and these strange worlds with their messed up plots?"

I wasn't about to let her get away with that.

"You've read Berserk. You have no room to talk."

Breakfast was set up a short time after that. Those Who Hunt Elves were getting low on supplies, so the meal was rather Spartan. Senbei agreed to stay invisible as not to provoke Celcia. Even in panda form, she's still the best sorceress in this world.

Airi had commented in a conversational tone how I seemed to have picked up my own team of capable characters once she got a look at Luna's transformation a bit better, and Senbei's flamboyant but otherwise obvious power. I admit, I had my own little crew of misfits similar in effective function to the 'team' that was Those Who Hunt Elves. But I did point out that nobody on my 'team' was as dedicatedly specialized as hers.

Finally, while I ate, I decided to give Washu a brief update on the where and when of things.

"No reason," I continued my thread of conversation with Washu with a shrug at empty air. "Its just not all my landing points are exactly the best places to be. Those cyborg girls... The ones who sent me back to Ayeka's room half-dead? Villains."

"Ugh..." Washu sighed. "Of course. The crazy Spaghetti guy..."

"Scaglietti," I corrected.

"Yeah him," Washu's tone indicated a nod. "That does prove to be worrisome. At least for you. From what you indicated to me though those elite cyborgs would be little more than cannon fodder to Ryoko. But for you..."

"Yeah," I sighed. "Any ideas?"

"Probably nothing you could put to any use," the Scientist continued. "You know them a lot better than I do, so technically you're more an expert on them then me."

Washu saying anyone's more an expert in something than her?

"You can't just pop into full Choushin form and like, I don't know, go check it out yourself?" I asked.

"That would be cheating," Washu chided.

"Cheating?" I asked. "I don't recall reality having any rules on what one can and cannot do aside from DON'T DIE."

"It's cheating as far as I'm concerned," Washu's tone indicated her to be waggling her finger at me. "As they say, absolute power corrupts absolutely."

"I think it hits a plateau at some point," I deadpanned. "Considering the power you have with just a step to the left of Tuesday, you're hardly as corrupt as you would otherwise be."

"Are you kidding?" Washu's voice almost cackled. "I can do any damn thing I want if it so irks me. The reason I don't LOOK corrupt to you is because what I WANT to do happens to coincide with what everyone else wants or needs."

"Copout..." I muttered.

"I heard that."

"Bite me..."

"I'll let Ayeka have her way next time you're here instead," Washu seemed to have some mischief in her voice there. "After all, you've been unofficially recruited as her new retainer."

"Has anyone ever mentioned how utterly two-faced you are at times?" I asked in a sarcastic tone.

The mischief in Washu's voice was stronger than ever.

"Big words from the low man on the totem pole."

"It's not like you care..."

"You're right, I don't."

"Figures," I grumbled. "I'm the most interesting pet project to come along since Tenchi, and you won't even suspend your own damn rules to investigate my situation more accurately."

"If I went and did that every time I ran into a little snag," Washu crackled back. "Like when Kagato locked me in the Souja... I wouldn't have found myself where I am now. Part of running a successful experiment is not to wander around messing with it in an attempt to get the results I'm looking for. I may be a 'goddess' by your terms, but I'm still a scientist."

"Okay," I sighed. "Point taken... You don't want to dip your finger in the petri dish. Fine. Compared to you I'm an Amoebae."

"Now," Washu sighed. "That's an unfair assessment. I never once implied that I didn't care or thought of you as a single celled organism."

"I might as well be," I shook my head. "I'm the three, maybe four dimensional life form, having a conversation with the twelve dimensional life form. I've only got three degrees of freedom compared to your twelve."

"Six to twenty-four," Washu corrected suddenly. "You get a degree of freedom for position AND velocity in each dimension."

"My point still stands," I shook my head. "I'm so low down on the food chain that compared to you, I'm a bacteria... Or rather, a drawing on a sheet of paper... "

Then I paused.

"Heheh..." I chuckled. "That's kind of funny because a week ago YOU were the drawing."

"Life is a bit funny that way," Washu chuckled back. "But don't think for a second that I'm going to be that cruel to a sapient life form. You know me better than that. Just because I'm aware of four times the Axis values you are does not make you any less of a person to me. I'm not Doctor Clay."

"Yeah, okay" I sighed, slightly let down. I was hoping for an easy way out of this mess. Real life does not care about difficulty levels. At least I can be thankful Washu sees sapient beings as near-equals. So that's at least a plus. OH! Speaking of sapient!

"By the way," I continued. "I think I might have a hypothesis on what's making me jump."

"Oh?" Washu's voice became really interested. "Got an idea as to the cause?"

"Maybe," I replied. "It's mostly the pattern here. For each of my jumps, beyond the obvious landing in bed next to a girl... My landings have been with what in my reality, is a select pick of my fictional favorites."

Silence.

"Like something or someone has read my mind," I continued. "Took a pick of all the females from fictions I knew very well, and then lined them up and set me loose."

"Strange coincidence," Washu hmmed, then her voice became more serious. "Except that's not a coincidence. There's no way that level of sophistication is coincidence. That's sapience."

"That's what I was thinking," I replied. "Something with an intelligence is doing this to me. Given what I know it could be you or one your sisters-"

"Which wouldn't make sense considering that even I'm lost here," Washu cut in.

"Or you're lying your ass off," I pointed out. "But as credit to you, I don't see you being that blatant about it. A fake mystery just doesn't seem like your style. Maybe Tsunami through Sasami's influence as a prank..."

"She can't do it while her powers are restricted though," Washu pointed out. "Tokimi restored our seals after we cleaned up that little mess Z made of space time."

"And Tokimi didn't seem to be doing anything herself," I continued at a mumble. "Too curious for that unless she was acting. She seems like the type who would hide and watch rather than get right in the middle of it... Which just leaves me with a ROB."

"Rob?" Washu asked.

"Random Omnipotent Being," I filled in the gap. "Back home on a web board there. We'd create random what-if scenarios involving fiction. And rather than trying to come up with plausible excuses for a scenario, we just slapped a catchall on them. We'd say some random omnipotent being, a ROB, made everything happen for its own amusement."

"This Rob character sounds like a real jerk to do that for mere amusement," Washu commented back.

"Like I said, just a catchall." I shrugged. "You literally pick any random, effectively omnipotent being from a list of existing ones and say they did it. That could be any 'god' or 'goddess' in all of fiction, including you."

"I'm not omnipotent," Washu pointed out. "By its very logic an omnipotent entity must be singular, otherwise there is a paradox where in multiple omnipotent entities should be able to interfere with each other, but cannot. Or can, when they should not. There is a breakdown in the logic... Which means that one way or the other, they aren't omnipotent. This logic in itself is how my sisters and I realized that we couldn't be omnipotent. There can be only one."

"I said EFFECTIVELY omnipotent," I corrected. "Someone like you at full power, or Tsunami, or Tokimi... You could effectively claim omnipotence and nobody would be able to call you on it. So they don't have to be literally omnipotent."

"If that's the case," Washu continued. "This is one clever Rob. Tokimi's been hunting around since I called her in. And we both know she's not easy to sneak around."

"I just hope it's not the plot of some Magnificent Bastard," I sighed.

"Magnificent Bastard?"

"Z, but less angry," I replied.

"Ah..."

"Oh!" I suddenly remembered. "Speaking of plots... You should have seen what I pulled off yesterday."

"Now what did you do?" Washu asked slyly.

"Do you recall what Mihoshi did the other day and the whole causality involved?" I asked.

"Your 'Rule of Funny' if I recall," Washu commented. "Make another prediction?"

"Better," I smirked. "I weaponized it."

Washu made the most unusual sound at that point. It sounded like choking. I think I actually surprised her...

Wait. Surprised Washu? Wow...

"You're kidding!" she finally spoke up. "You controlled causality?"

"No! No." I quickly waved my arms though she couldn't see it. "I wish I had, but nothing quite that extreme. I managed to put together a little plan that used the Rule of Funny as a catalyst so I could talk to Motoko."

"You took advantage of a causality pattern?" Washu clarified. "That quick? And you pulled if off without a hitch? NOT BAD!"

"Well," I began. "I never said I pulled it off without a hitch, but it worked well enough for me to have a conversation with Motoko."

"Hmm..." Washu came back. "How'd that go?"

"I think she'll be okay," I replied. "She thought she'd killed me. Which explains a lot."

"Oh my..." Washu sighed. "So it was traumatic shock after all. I was afraid of that. If she thought she killed you, that could leave lasting mental scars."

"I know," I grimaced. "But she seemed to come around once I got to talking. A few gifts helped too."

Washu laughed.

"What?" I asked. "What's so funny?"

"Well," Washu began. "First you get that Rei girl to dote over you, then Ayeka's become concerned with you, and now you're giving presents to a swordswoman. Keep it up and you'll be married by the end of the month!"

"DON'T EVEN GO THERE!" I snapped. "At the rate the causality conventions are playing out, you just tempted fate and invited Seto to play matchmaker with me. If it results in anything like the arrangement going on in that house, if the infighting doesn't kill me, the resulting heart attack will! I'm not so stupid as to think juggling a harem would be anything BUT stress."

"I kid, I kid," Washu replied. "I know you're touchy about it, so lighten up."

Then she paused before continuing.

"So she's okay then?" the scientist crackled. "At least that problem's out from under you."

"Yeah," I sighed. "I wish I didn't have to make an enemy to do so. I scared the crap out of Naru to get her to back down... Busted my hand in the process."

"You did what?" Washu's voice became indignant. "I just fixed you and you've already gone and broken something else."

"Tell me about it," I rolled my eyes and stared at my wrapped hand. "I've broken more bones in the last week than the rest of my entire life. I'm well aware of how much breaking body parts hurts at this point."

"How'd you manage it?" she asked.

"I put my hand through a wooden beam at eight times physical strength," I shrugged. "I realized a little late that enhanced strength doesn't mean enhanced durability."

"You didn't read the manual..."

"Pardon?" I asked.

"I gave you a manual," Washu continued in a condescending tone. "If you had read it, you wouldn't have busted your hand. I detailed a number of potential issues with the enhanced strength including durability limitations as well as side effects on your physical stamina, and instructions on how to safely skip-dash and power jump."

"Skip-dash?" I asked.

"How much did you actually read?" Washu asked.

Uh...

"I got as far as the cleaning instructions," I admitted.

"Oh for crying out loud!" Washu snapped. "I didn't design that suit and write a thorough operations manual on it for you so you could fumble about like a goofball. In case you forgot from our little safety brief the other day. That thing is DANGEROUS if misused. Not only to others but also to yourself! I figure someone as self-conscious as you would have the sense to read it. "

"I'm sorry!" I snapped defensively. "But I've been busy! I haven't had time for more than a glance-"

"MAKE TIME," Washu snapped. "That equipment is not a toy! I expect you to have the same respect for it as you have for live weapons. That's why I let you have it after all."

"Okay!" I threw my hands up despite nobody being there. "I get it! Chill!"

"Read the manual!" Washu reinforced. "I mean it. If you've got downtime, which with a busted hand you no doubt do, you should be studying."

"Okay," I replied, switching to a tone reserved for responses to motherly nagging. "I will!"

"And don't think you can fool me with that nag-response tone either," Washu intercepted my intent. "I'll know if you read it with two questions flat."

"WASHU!" I all but snapped. "I UNDERSTAND! I'll READ the MANUAL."

Besides, I want to know what this skip-dash thing is.

"Good," she replied, her voice returning to its more carefree nature. "I'll be checking up tomorrow to make sure. Anyway... I've got data coming in from the beacon you deployed. It'll take a few days observation to get adequate readings, but good job there. Don't forget to deploy one here."

"Right," I nodded. "I'll make sure of that."

"Okay," Washu commented. "Catch you later!"

"Later," I replied.

'Click'

"Wow," Junpei chuckled from behind the bowl of rice he was inhaling. "She really chewed you out didn't she?"

"Well," Ritsuko cut in. "He's got new and sophisticated equipment. If she just told him to read the manual, I can only say that she's right. Just look at his hand."

"I saw," Junpei commented evenly. "He'll be in that wrap for weeks. With his hand out of commission like that, he's nearly crippled."

"I've still got a gun," I commented with a scowl.

"I'm no genius," Junpei shook his head. "But we both know you can't even use THAT effectively without two hands. Ritsuko, isn't that thing like, hand-clicked?"

"Pump-action," the schoolgirl corrected the fighter. "But you're right. Without two hands, the action can't be worked efficiently. He'll be a sitting duck after the first shot."

"It's not THAT bad," I grimaced. "I should be healed by this afternoon."

Airi raised an eyebrow and spoke up.

"How to you figure that?"

"Nanomachines," I explained in a word. "I won't go into details, but Washu injected me with them in order to help me bounce back from injuries... Seeing as I'm much more prone to injury than anyone else."

"Super fast healing?" Celcia blinked from behind a bite of bamboo. Sheesh, I thought the panda gag was just a gag. She must have altered taste buds in that form. "That's amazing-"

"It doesn't matter," Junpei voiced up suddenly. "The hand is one of the most complicated parts of the body. He needs to leave it ALONE until it's fully healed. There are too many small bones to go toying around. Because if one of them doesn't heal correctly, he really will be nearly crippled."

"And just what would you know about it?" Celcia snapped.

"There are two-hundred and six bones in the human body," Junpei pointed out. "And twenty-seven of them in the hand alone. If he punched a large wooden post hard enough to break it, he probably fractured the second, third, fourth, and fifth metacarpals. And most likely have compound fractures to the proximal phalanges, if not outright shattered them."

Everyone blinked, and stared in mute shock at Junpei.

"What?" he asked.

"Someone shoot me," Ritsuko commented. "I swear I just heard Junpei using complex medical terms..."

"It makes sense to me," Airi spoke up. This caused Celcia and Ritsuko to turn to her with a gape.

"He's a fighter," she pointed out. "He would know how the human body is built, because he has to know how it's built in order to fight better."

"I... suppose that makes sense," Ritsuko blinked.

"You mean you guys don't?" Junpei looked on flabbergasted, completely missing the point. "Man, you're missing out on some cool stuff."

And Junpei launched into an explanation about the mechanics of bipedal locomotion, eliciting a pair of vacant expressions from Celcia and Ritsuko. Airi just took a sip of some tea she had managed to produce from somewhere with a neutral look on her face.

"Hey," Luna elbowed me gently and learned in. "Why's his talk about the hand bugging them so much?"

"Because he's got an IQ of eighty," I mumbled back.

Luna's eyes went wide and she blinked twice.

"Eighty?" she asked. I just nodded.

"He's a blockhead!" she hissed. "Even Usagi's smarter than him!"

"I know," I replied. "But when it comes to fighting, he's hyper competent to the point of absurdity."

"Isn't it obvious?" Airi softly commented. Both Luna and myself gave her a curious glance.

"He's a savant," she stated, adding a cryptic smile. "If he were just a straight up moron, he'd never been able to pick up those kind of skills."

"You have a point," I motioned after a pause. "That explains a lot. If you guys ever manage to get home, you should suggest he get tested for autism. Might explain why he has the social grace of a mudslide."

"I'll keep that in mind," Airi regarded me with a wary gaze.

"And that's why a slap to the ears makes an effective disorientation attack," Junpei concluded.

"Hell has frozen over," Ritsuko commented.

"Hey," Luna ribbed me again. "Are you going to finish that?"

I glanced at the catgirl for a moment in annoyance. I don't like being pestered for my food. But then I remembered. Seeing as this was Luna... And what I was thinking was starting to pan out more and more...

"I gotta' eat too," I muttered. "These nanites burn body fat."

"You're still hungry after three bowls?" Ritsuko blinked. "Junpei's twice your size and eats that much."

"I... I'm just hungry," Luna blushed. "I've been really hungry lately. I don't get it."

"I think you should stay in your cat form more," I voiced.

"What?" she asked. "Why? It's easier to talk to you guys like this."

"I think I understand what he's getting at," Ritsuko interrupted. "It's your body mass. A compact feline requires a lot less food than a fully grown human."

"The bigger you are, the more you need to eat," Airi intoned ahead of a sip of tea.

"It's not just that," I pointed out. "Luna, you're eating as much as Junpei. A six-foot tall heavy built fighter. He's over twice your size."

"That's a lot of calories," Ritsuko furrowed her brow. "I doubt just maintaining a full sized human body requires that much."

"Not a normal human body anyway," Celcia chimed in.

"Luna," I began. "Do you have even the slightest clue just how strong you are?"

"What's that got to do with it?" she asked.

"Something I've been observing for a while now," I shrugged. "But after the way you handled Motoko..."

I turned my head.

"Hey Junpei," I began. "Do me a favor..."

"What?" the fighter asked in annoyance.

"Push Luna down," I pointed with my utensil hand.

Everyone looked at me like I was nuts, including Luna.

"Are you kidding?" he grimaced. "Her frame's no bigger than Ritsuko's... She doesn't have the strength to resist."

"I'll bet you that last bowl of rice you're wrong," I indicated Junpei's remaining bowl. I might not have warned anyone up to this point. But the short version put simply: I don't gamble.

"What exactly are you trying to prove?" Luna asked in confusion.

"Just work with me here," I shrugged. "It's something you really just have to realize for yourself. Come on Junpei, just try and push her down."

"I'm telling you," Junpei stood up. "Her frame's like Ritsuko's. Agility is more her field."

"Shut up and knock her down already," I interrupted.

Junpei walked over to where Luna was now standing. Then shrugged.

"Luna," I began. "Plant your foot and resist."

Luna looked at me for a moment, then shrugged and did as she was told.

"Sorry kitty," Junpei shrugged, then reached out to give her a shove.

Luna braced herself and shoved right back.

One second later, the six-foot tall, six-time world champion stumbled backwards in surprise.

"What the?" he began.

Junpei tried again, same result.

"Okay," he furrowed his brow. "This time I'm serious."

And Junpei rushed the felis-sapien, intent to physically overpower her. For a few seconds, they locked hands and started to strain against each other. Then, to everyone's surprise save mine, Luna started to slowly gain ground.

"No... WAY!" Junpei grit between his teeth. "How can such a tiny frame pack this much... STRENGTH?"

"I knew it," I laughed. "I was right."

"What?" Ritsuko asked.

"Luna retains feline muscle density in her human form," I provided.

"She WHA-WHOA!" Junpei lost his concentration and was promptly overpowered by the catgirl less than half his size.

"Hmmm..." Airi nodded. "So it's like a chimpanzee then. Even though smaller, an adult chimpanzee is several times stronger than a human more than twice its size, and could easily rip your face off with its bare hands."

"Exactly," I nodded. "That's why she's burning through so much energy. That's why she's so hungry."

Luna blinked and looked at her hands in surprise.

"Really?" she asked.

"Really," I smirked. "And it's not just the muscle density I've noticed, but the balance, control, reaction time, and sensitivity. You may look human, but you're still a CAT. Luna, you are a PREDATOR."

Luna continued to blink in confusion for several seconds before the realization started to dawn on her face.

"I'm ..." she began.

"Nature's killing machine," Airi filled it in. "Only better, you're SMART."

"Wait a second!"

Everyone turned to stare at Junpei.

"She's a catgirl?" he asked.

Oy vey... Mister Eighty IQ strikes again.

"How come she doesn't have cat ears or a tail?" he asked. "Aren't catgirls supposed to look like that?"

I could almost feel the collective facepalm at this point.

"Mreow..."

Luna turned to look at the tank, her eyes wide.

"Is that vehicle-"

"Cat spirit," I commented nonchalantly. "Remember?"

"Oh yes of course," Luna tried, and failed to hide her unease. "Cat tank."

Cat Girl, Cat Rabbit/Spaceship, Chinese cat ghost, Cat Tank. It's a good thing I like cats. The number of feline or feline-based characters I have or could be running into around just begs to make fun of a person who doesn't like cats.

"What were you saying?" Luna continued after she collected herself.

"Mreow."

Luna blinked, then blushed.

"Aww, that's sweet," she stated. "Thank you."

"Mreow."

"What's he saying?" I asked.

"He says I'm very pretty whether I have whiskers or not," Luna smirked.

"Awww..." Ritsuko smiled, then got up and patted the T-Seventy Four on a headlamp. "You're a regular Romeo aren't you Mike?"

"Great," Junpei grumbled. "Now the tank's making passes at people."

"I think it's cute," Celcia commented.

I snorted once holding in a brief laugh. A tank making passes at a girl. Granted, they're both cats inside, but still... Man, you can't make this stuff up.

"So anyway," I continued. "I suggest you stay in cat form if you don't need to do anything Luna. That should allow you to conserve energy."

"I understand," the feline commented. And with a loud pop that startled everyone save me, returned to her more compact form.

"Whoa," Junpei blinked. "That trick's probably useful."

"You have no idea," I replied. "She got into a fight with-"

I stopped. Ah yes, one of the reasons I was in a hurry to get here.

"I'll SHOW you," I smirked, backing away to thumb my portal opening.

Those Who Hunt Elves had mixed reactions to the hole in thin air appearing. Airi kept her neutral face; Ritsuko almost instantly had the same reaction I did. I guess this kind of thing was up her alley too. Which reminded me. Under no circumstances am I letting her know just what kind of ammunition I picked up for the Mossberg.

Junpei and even Celcia seemed to look slightly more confused. Though, the former more so than the latter.

Of course, the reaction might instead have been because I was promptly struck in the face by several brown shirts, a shotgun, and a backpack.

"What the?" I began as I stumbled backward, only for Luna to quickly resume human form and catch me before I could fall on my bad arm.

How did? Why did everything- OH!

'Speedy Thing goes in. Speedy Thing comes out.'

"Motoko," I sighed. "Next time I'll warn her."

"What happened?" Luna asked.

"Conservation of momentum and a quick max entropy," I sighed as I thumbed the portal shut. Then looked at my shirts all scattered on the ground. "So much for clean laundry."

"I'm afraid I don't follow," Luna shook her head.

"I won't bore you with details," I replied. "Instead just remind me not to THROW anything into the portal."

"I'll keep that in mind," Luna commented as I dropped to a knee and fished up my backpack. After a few moments fumbling with it, I pulled out my camera and turned to Junpei.

"Hey," I began. "Take a look at this."

With a few presses, I had the video of Luna and Motoko's fight playing on the camera's tiny LCD screen. The camera recorded sound, but had no speakers for playback.

"Hmm..." Junpei stared, then pulled the camera out of my hands. "That swordswoman's good, but she's letting her emotions get in the way."

"Motoko's not important there," I cut in. "Watch LUNA."

The fighter nodded and continued to watch as Luna successfully landed after being tossed in the air by Motoko's attack. Junpei furrowed his brow and watched more intently all the way up to the point where Luna threw herself into the air.

"Nice!" he commented. "I would have never have thought to use an ability like that."

"How good do you think she is?" I asked off hand.

"She's not bad for an amateur," Junpei handed the camera back to me. "But she needs someone to actually teach her."

"Does she?" I raised my eyebrow, then glanced aside at Ritsuko and Airi. Maybe...

"Tell me," I began. "How much martial arts do you think a cat can learn in eight hours?"

"Wait," Luna blinked. "WHAT?"

"Cats are naturally graceful creatures," Airi commented, obviously realizing where I was going with this. "They have very fine control of their reflexes."

"Mike learned how to completely control of a tank in under a minute," Ritsuko shrugged. "I don't think that counts here though."

"Is this a good idea?" Celcia voiced in.

I looked back at Junpei, who hadn't quite caught on.

"So what do you say?" I asked. "Think you can teach Luna martial arts in a day?"

"WHAT?" Luna about shrieked.

Junpei looked at her, then at me, then at the rest of his team. When Ritsuko had asked him one time to teach her karate, he'd refused. But then again, it was an impulse request after she'd been mugged, and then rescued by Junpei. I knew full well that no master in his right mind would teach a student who was vengeance minded like that. Hopefully, Junpei would be a little more inclined to teach someone with Luna's potential.

"I can't teach her my style," he concluded after a long stare.

Ah damn... I was hoping-

"But I can teach her the basics" he appended. "She'll pick up on her own after that."

Yes!

"But-" Luna began.

"Take it!" I snapped without waiting for her to finish, then quickly stuck my face in her ear and whispered.

"I'm practically handing you over to one of the best damned martial artists in any fiction I know. He can out-fight his enemies while stuck in Ritsuko's body. You'd be learning from the BEST. You can't buy that kind of training."

Luna blinked, and turned her head.

"But," she began. "Learn it in a day?"

"Learn what you can," I hissed. "Every little bit helps at this point."

Luna stared, working the thought over. I know I kind of threw this one at her from out of left field, but after witnessing just how 'powerful' Luna really was in the physical sense, and given the 'plots' I'm stuck in. A fully realized fighting catgirl would be a serious bonus to our predicament, not to mention Luna walks away with personal benefits.

"Okay," she nodded.

"Good," I smirked. "Junpei, she's all yours."

"What about me?" I heard Senbei's invisible voice comment in my ear.

"You stay quiet," I pointed out. "Celcia's scared shitless of you. And if push comes to shove, she's the most powerful magic user in this world. She might flip out and use a dragon summon spell. I doubt you'd get hurt, but if your bumbling results in my ass getting toasted, either you never get home, or when you do, pray to Hild Urd doesn't find out..."

"Being quiet..."

"Hey," Junpei cut into my semi-private conversation. "I just noticed something."

I turned to face the martial artist.

"Have you lost weight?" he asked.

"Nanomachines," I shrugged. "They burn my fat to work."

"Hmm..." Junpei nodded. I'm not sure if he actually understood that. But as we had just seen, he's been known to surprise.

"Well, I thought maybe you'd been working out," he continued. "You probably need the extra strength."

"Yeah," I nodded. "A little more fitness wouldn't hurt."

"I was just thinking," Junpei continued. "Those no-no machine things... They heal you super fast right?"

"Yeah," I nodded. "Like I said, my hand should be good by the end of the day."

"So you'll be fully recovered from a month's injury in hours?"

"Yeeeeah..." I nodded. I thought I made that part clear.

"Well," Junpei continued. "If they can heal in a day what normally takes a month, wouldn't they heal injuries that take maybe a day or two in a matter of minutes?"

"Yeah, that would be logical," I nodded. Okay Junpei, captain obvious would like a word with you.

"That means you should be able to recover from a workout in the time it takes to stop for a meal," Junpei concluded.

...

What did he just?

"WHAT?" I asked, my mind already drawing conclusions on what he just said.

"An intense workout is essentially stretching and doing minor damage to muscle so the body can build on it during the healing process," Junpei commented. "If you can heal super fast, you should be able to pack months of training into a few days."

There was a long, silent pause as I froze in place and stared at the otherwise total moron. It was the first time I ever recall being struck THOUGHTLESS. What he just said, sounded as if had been delivered straight from the minds of every exploit crazy nut on the entire internet back home. I couldn't think up a response, I couldn't form a coherent statement in my head. It took several seconds of bluescreening before I realized what Junpei had just told me.

Junpei just told me how to exploit nanomachines to duplicate Training from HELL. Training from Hell that would WORK.

Once that clicked in my head, my mouth about fell off my face. I can't believe I hadn't thought about it! I mean! Super healing means ANY body damage, even intentional damage... Which means... Which means!

"JUNPEI YOU IDIOT!"

"THAT'S BRILLIANT!"


	13. How to throw a Punch

* * *

**Chapter thirteen: How to throw a Punch**

_"We learn something by doing it. There is no other way."_  
_\- John Holt_

* * *

 

Sometimes I even amaze myself.

Not because of how great or awesome something I do is. Doing something awesome isn't really all that spectacular when you can actually break it down into the steps that comprise the action.

No I'm amazed because despite how smart I know I am... I can be one hundred percent bonafide BONEHEAD from time to time.

I mean, look... It took Junpei, six time world champion martial artist, and all around BLOCKHEAD of Those Who Hunt Elves to point out something I should have realized on my own.

Don't get me wrong. I'm no idiot, and I have very good excuses for not realizing this sooner, but I really SHOULD have realized it sooner.

See, it breaks down as thus after a bit of thought. Washu's nanomachines provide dedicated high-speed repair of the internal components of my body. It's not quite regeneration, but it's very aggressive healing. And quite honestly, it's not everything you'd expect it to be, because it still HURTS, and it has nasty side effects if I'm not careful.

But these things provide me with the ability to heal from most physical injuries so quickly that if anyone back home found out about it, I'd be in a lab somewhere giving up half my blood so they could study it.

While this has been useful in keeping me in good enough condition to stay more or less on my feet, I have completely overlooked a rather useful side effect.

See the human body is built to adapt to the conditions it is in. If you're a slouch, the body degenerates to the point where it functions effectively at this level (If you call being a couch potato 'effective'...). If you're a high performance athlete, the body adapts to the conditions present in that situation. Fitness training is all about creating artificially harsh conditions on your body in order to improve it.

In many anime and manga series, as well as any typical Chinese martial arts flick, you'll see characters take advantage of the body's adaptability. It's a simple logic. The harder you train, the stronger you get. Which is true... Somewhat...

The problem is that in reality, such harsh training regimens are not possible because the body can only handle so much before it starts to break. Pain is not some mental block you have to push through to become Mr. Incredible. It's a very real nerve impulse informing the brain that what you are doing is LITERALLY ripping your body apart.

When you train, you are deliberately injuring yourself, if only slightly.

It is only after these micro-injuries, to coin a term, that the body must then heal and adapt so that it can withstand these stresses the next time. This is why every well-informed physical training instructor will tell you to alternate between the type and intensity of workouts from session to session.

The body has to heal.

Anyone crazy or stupid enough to try any of those absurd training montage sequences would quickly discover that they don't actually work, and would more likely end up in the hospital than in the winner's circle.

However, if the body could heal fast enough, if not faster than the training routine could damage it, you could theoretically train as hard, and as fast as you could metabolize the energy.

What Junpei effectively pointed out without realizing the sheer brilliance of the situation, is that with the super aggressive healing of Washu's nanomachines, I had the one key ingredient that separated that kind of crazy-stupid physical training from reality.

Assuming I had enough food to permit the routine, I figured that I could pack two weeks worth of physical training into a day. Basing off an eight-hour 'daytime' period that is. Since normal training regimens had alternating routines for each day. You usually get three or four training days in a week for any particular muscle group. With super-fast healing, there is no need to space those days out. I could literally string together eight one-hour strength training sessions with small 'healing breaks' between them.

Expanding on that I realized that if the aggressive healing was dealing with broken bones, damaged tendons, and torn muscles, I could literally train well beyond what constituted normal 'safe' methods without lasting damage. I could seriously push my body until I was literally tearing my muscles, and it would still be healed in a very short amount of time. And I would still get positive results.

That thought made me stop and blanch. That wouldn't simply make this a training from hell in name, it really would be a form of training straight from hell. Because there's no fucking way that I would do that kind of damage, and not feel it. I had a throbbing hand to remind me of that.

It was enough to derail my excitement honestly. Being as pain-averse as I am. The idea of deliberately torturing myself in the name of strength seemed counter-intuitive to getting strength so as to avoid future pain.

Undecided as I was on how to deal with this revelation, I decided to simply do as I was told for the time being. Without a ton of food to offset what would certainly be the world's most insane training regimen, I'd more likely starve myself to death.

Fishing through the pile of stuff that had fallen out of my pocket earlier, I had found Washu's suit manual.

I also found Motoko's Tanto. Man... I thought I gave that back to her. I must have repocketed it while we were messing with that beam saber. Assuming the loop will loop back to start here in a few days, I'll be extra sure to give it back to her next time.

Anyway... Manual. Read. Now.

I'll have to thank Washu for another favor she did for me here. I've read military technical manuals... Quite frankly, my time in Satcomm School learning how to read those manuals ALONE was more than justified for what you had to do later. Because attempting to find anything cold turkey would have resulted in mental failure. Washu apparently understood how to write a manual in plain English. Literally, plain, ENGLISH.

Aside from the cleaning instructions, which had been my last read. I indeed found the warnings and details on the suit that probably would have kept me from busting my hand.

It was in the section labeled 'Degrees of Protection'.

It broke down something like this. While it was a one piece, the suit was not all one solid level of protection from head to toe. Around critical areas, such as my rib cage, it had a hardened layer of soft armor that would stiffen if subjected to a concentrated blow. Some kind of crystallizing gel did this. Any normal human dumb enough to try punching me in the solar plexus would think they punched concrete. This was intended to protect me from cardiac or pulmonary trauma however, and did not have full body coverage. The other issue was that the gel was brittle when it crystallized. As a result, while it would stiffen to resist a blow, it would 'shatter' and allow extreme blows through. Good for punches and small bullets... Bad for war hammers, high caliber bullets, and megaton punches.

Other parts of the suit also had varying levels of protection. The major joints were protected by slightly stiffened materials while the outside segments of my arms and legs had a carbon nanotube weave to reinforce them against blows I might be using my arms or legs to block.

There was some heavy reinforcement stiffening for my ankles, knees, elbows, and wrists. The last of which explains why I didn't completely trash my wrist when I threw that punch.

However, in order to allow me access to my digits, the protection of the suit tapered off to almost paper-thin before it ended at the second knuckle for each digit. It seems that while the suit could perfectly duplicate the tactile sensitivity of the fingertips, the tradeoff for the suit's protective layer for the sensitivity of the fingers was about even. Meaning that putting the suit around the tips of my fingers would have been meaningless unless I dumped the sensitivity for protection. So Washu just left my fingertips unprotected, finding it unlikely that they would be subject to any dangers if it came down to it. Apparently she thought it was more economical that way.

Kind of both right, and wrong there... But I guess that was my own fault, not hers.

A warning box noted that the suit's enhanced strength settings did nothing to increase the stiffness, density, or otherwise level of protection provided by the suit. It merely increased muscular torque via base-strength amplification through surface structures that mimicked muscle movement below. Or at least, something like that. The plain English explanation Washu left in Parenthesis said effectively: 'It wraps around your body and pulls.'

Reading that box twice, I realized another reason to try and get in shape.

The way it increased my strength was through base-strength amplification.

If I read that right, it means that it wasn't hard set on a certain strength level, but rather took whatever strength I had, multiplied that, and I'd get a new value. The stronger I was, the stronger the max value at sixteen-X would be. As I was, the strength boost would make me powerful, but if I were in tip-top physical condition, I'm GUESSING I'd be pretty close to the physical level of a baseline Galaxy Police body enhancement. Just without the durability.

Maybe... I'm not sure. I don't have a benchmark for it.

It was almost as if Washu designed this thing deliberately to coax me into applying myself constructively if I wanted any kind of real benefit.

Knowing Washu, that was likely to be the case.

Of course, what I really wanted to know about, was that skip-dash thing Washu spoke of.

"This is so cool..."

I looked up from my required homework at Ritsuko's comment. The girl had found my leatherman in mess. It hadn't really struck me, but Ritsuko loved tools as well as weapons.

"Where'd you get this?" she asked.

"My dad gave it to me years ago," I shrugged, turning back to my manual. "It's old, but useful."

Now, a skip dash was-

"Can I have it?"

I looked up from my manual again.

"My Leatherman?" I asked. Ritsuko grinned and nodded.

"Fraid not," I shook my head. The schoolgirl frowned and pouted.

"Why not?" she asked.

"Because I said no," I shrugged, turning back to my manual.

"I let you have my shotgun," she pointed out. "That's probably a lot more expensive than this."

Oh... She's going to try and guilt-trip me like my sister. That's a road well traveled. It's reached the point where it's pretty straightforward. When my sis calls, she wants something. If it's important, I help. If it's trivial or if she asks me if I've got twenty bucks... I'm broke. The hard part is getting her to spit it out instead of trying to beat around the bush and walk me right into it. And one of her tactics that I am well aware of has always been the guilt-trip.

"Irrelevant," I came back. "I said no."

"But why not?" she asked again. Unless she gets a logical answer, she's going to keep on pestering me. And I have a manual to finish reading as required by the Professor.

"Look," I continued. "I don't have any other tools, and I can't exactly haul around a tool chest. That's why I grabbed it in the first place."

Ritsuko pouted a bit. My excuse must not sound very valid to her. Hell, it probably looked selfish to most people. It sounded selfish to my own ears! I mean, I asked for, and got her shotgun, and I'm flat out telling her 'no' when she asks for something of mine. But I have my reason. It's not like I'm trying to be mean here. I just might need that tool at some point. And if I give it to her, I'll wish I hadn't. Sometimes it sucks to be the nice guy well aware of how something like this looks. It makes you feel guilty inside. It makes me feel like I'm being an ass. And I don't like being an ass.

"You can hold on to it for the day," I sighed. "I'll need it back before I leave though."

Ritsuko still pouted a bit. However, the compromise seemed to placate her for the time being as she went back to fooling with my Leatherman while skimming part of my IET handbook.

She found that helping me put my stuff back into my pocket right before finding my leatherman. It came as little shock that she knew how to read it. At this point, trying to determine what was something I actually remembered, and little unexpected aspects that seemed logical in hindsight had kind of blurred together.

"Number twelve," she read aloud, and in rather impressively good English. "Side of Neck. A sharp blow to the side of the neck causes unconsciousness by shock to the Carotid artery, Jugular vein, and Vagus nerve. For maximum effect, the blow should be focused below and slightly in front of the ear. A less powerful blow causes involuntary muscle-spasms and intense pain. The side of the neck is one of the best targets to use to drop an opponent immediately or to disable him temporarily to finish him later."

Ritsuko reached up absentmindedly with her free hand and felt the side of her neck.

"Cool..." she uttered, tracing the length of one of the veins down into her shoulder. "It's like those pressure point moves from a martial arts movie. I think I get why Junpei didn't want to teach me that one time."

Pressure point?

I paused from attempting to read on skip dashing again and mimicked Ritsuko's motion, tracing a vein in my neck down to the base where my shoulder met.

Couldn't be...

I moved my hand up to the place indicated from what Ritsuko had stated, and gave it a weak press with my good hand. Feeling just a slight pang, I proceeded to trace the action down my neck, tapping lightly until I could feel the same thing while I traced the motion a second time.

Could it?

I gave the spot where the base of my neck met my shoulder a few taps, feeling a similar, if slightly buried pang.

No way...

The same spot where that old crone Cologne had tapped me with her ugly stick, knocking me out. Oh for Christ's sake, my IET book comes with an encyclopedia of all the basic pressure points! I can't believe I forgot about that!

I'll have to review them later so I can give the old hag a shock. I'll read it as soon as I'm done with the skip dash.

Now, a skip dash was-

I lowered my suit manual again suddenly with a frown as a dot connected in mid sentence. HOW did Cologne do that with a light tap? I just tapped the spot myself and didn't exactly knock myself out doing so. And did the chemicals in her little chocolate sleep prevention remedy really cause it to delay several seconds? It's not magic. I'm immune to magic. So the affect was definitely some kind of really complex physical event. Considering whom it was. There was a logical explanation combined with a simple fact that she's That Damned Good. I'm sure of it...

Another mystery for me to solve...

I'll back burner it for later.

A skip dash was-

"Have you cleaned the Mossberg?" Ritsuko suddenly interrupted.

"What?" I turned to look at her, dropping my manual. "Where the hell did that come from?"

Ritsuko just held up the IET handbook, indicating that she'd skipped around a bit from the striking points to the information on the M-16A2 assault rifle. Notably, the section on cleaning.

"Just curious," she shrugged.

"No," I turned back to my book with a shrug. "I haven't."

Now, a skip dash-

"What?"

My manual slapped down on my leg as I turned to the gun-slinging schoolgirl.

"You know you need to clean a firearm after each use!" she berated. "If you don't it could fail on you at the worst possible moment! What kind of soldier are you to not clean your own weapon?"

"How about one who's been run ragged for a week straight, tired to the point of delirium, injured several times, and DOESN'T have a cleaning kit?" I asked with a little more than a hint of sarcasm in my tone as I punctuated the last one.

Ritsuko's next comment, probably to tell me that whatever I was about to say was no excuse, died in her throat. Her mouth hanging open before she snapped it shut with the audible clack of her teeth.

"Oh," she stated sheepishly. "Sorry..."

"Not your fault," I turned back to my manual.

A skip-

"Hey-"

OH FOR THE LOVE OF...

I slapped my manual down AGAIN and glared daggers at the schoolgirl. It was just like my mother! Every time I sat down to do something she needed something else. And it would always be just seconds after I sat down. Never any other spacing... Never telling me anything while I was actually available. It was INFURIATING.

"WHAT?" I snapped.

Ritsuko looked slightly taken aback at vicious glare I leveled on her.

"What'd I say?" she asked.

I closed my eyes and breathed for a second. Calm down. Relax. She doesn't know that drives me bat-shit insane. Out with the bad, in with the good.

"Nothing," I turned to her again. "Pet peeve... What'cha need?"

"Let me see the Mossberg," Ritsuko instructed. "Since you couldn't clean it, maybe it would be a good idea for me to look at it."

Okay, can't argue there.

I carefully reached to the side and thumbed open my portal. Noting as I did so that my hand was throbbing a bit less in its wraps. I wonder how long it'll be until I can get use out of it again. Being half-cripple makes me more dependent on assistance than I'd like.

"You'll have to reach in and grab it," I indicated. Case in point.

Ritsuko crawled over and did her best not to step on my knee as she fished around in the bizarre hole in the air before pulling back with the barrel of the Mossberg in her hand. Then with only a backward glance at the portal before I shut it, returned to her place to inspect the firearm. In a few deft moves, she worked the action and checked to make sure the chamber and tube were clear. Then she paused, scrunched up her face, and stood back up.

"Should be in..." she began. Then dashed over to where Mike was parked observing Luna and Junpei and climbed up on the tank.

I turned to watch the catgirl for a few seconds as she observed and mimicked several moves from Junpei before making an instructed lunge at him, only to be thrown on her back. The fighter then turned to her and gave her a quick critical eye before tapping her arm with his foot. Pushing it slightly.

Luna nodded and rolled to her feet. Junpei went through another set of motions, and they repeated the routine. I noted offhand that the dress Luna had been wearing since we left Washu's lab was starting to look like it had seen better days. It was a practical piece. Cute, but modest enough for activity. And resilient... But two days without washing and now getting thrown around in the dirt was starting to show on it. Considering Luna's borderline manic obsessive-compulsive fit yesterday about getting a bath, it was probably secretly driving her nuts.

Come to think of it, I probably need a bath too. I didn't get one yesterday. And today wasn't looking good either. Not in the middle of nowhere anyway.

'Clang!'

I jumped as Ritsuko dropped an ammo box down next to me and started opening it up, revealing that what had once housed fifty-cal rounds had been retasked with holding a large assortment of wire brushes, and a few bottles of CLP. After doing that, the schoolgirl quickly picked the Mossberg back up and began skimming a small white manual she'd also been holding.

After a few seconds, stopping to check the weapon was clear one more time. Ritsuko began to dismantle it between glances at the manual.

"Oh yeah, it's a mess," she commented as she quickly broke the weapon down into its constituent parts. "Someone cleaned it I think, but there's still fresh carbon scoring. How many rounds did you put through this?"

I thought about it for a second. Washu had me go through a shit load of rounds for practice on top of all the rounds I fired before then. I lost count after about sixty.

"Probably about a hundred," I concluded.

"A hundred?" she deadpanned. I nodded. Ritsuko then rolled her eyes and inspected the inside of the barrel. "Where'd you get the extra rounds? Didn't you take something like fifty?"

"Washu," I shrugged. Ritsuko "Oh'd" and proceeded to make me twitch over so slightly by looking right down the killing end of the Mossberg's barrel. The whole weapon was in pieces at this point, and the barrel was little more than a tube, but that didn't stop me from involuntarily tensing up just thinking about it. That's how bad the drills had hammered the weapons safety routines into me. Then again, my three months were spent with a company that was half-filled with delayed entry program recruits between their Junior and Senior years in high school. The sheer amount of unbridled STUPID concentrated into that group pretty much required it.

Tearing my eyes away from the girl, lest have a nervous breakdown from watching her, I turned back to notice Luna was nodding to Junpei before wandering over to me, looking slightly wobbly as she did so.

"Ugh..." Luna moaned as she collapsed on the ground next to me. Then with a squint, followed by a pop of evacuated air, she was feline again. "I have never been this tired... Ever."

Ritsuko looked up at the small balloon-like crack, then smirked at the feline.

"What?" Luna asked, her left ear twitching a few times.

"Junpei worn you down already?" Ritsuko grinned.

"Worn me down?" Luna replied as she proceeded to sprawl herself out sideways against my leg. "Try worn raw. Really... Gods, I never realized just falling down could be so much... WORK."

"I thought cats always landed on their feet," Ritsuko frowned.

"I'm expanding my horizons," Luna replied sarcastically from behind closed eyes. "He was teaching me what I needed to know about safely landing on things other than all-fours, just in case."

"Oh..."

"You okay kitty?" I asked.

"A bath..." Luna moaned. "A bath, a warm blanket, and a nap in a sunbeam. Maybe some tuna and milk after that and I could die content."

"Heh..." I scoffed. "You sound like me."

Luna opened one eye, letting just a slight human-esque smirk grace her feline features as she looked up at me.

"A few days ago," she began. "I learned reality is a lot bigger than I first expected. I discovered my entire life is someone else's entertainment, and that entire populations know everything about me. Now I'm being dragged along for the ride. I've been attacked by a martial arts kitten, turned into a clock by a demon who'd make Beryl hide under the deepest rock she could find, cuddled by a goddess in a child's body, attacked by a short tempered swordswoman. And now I'm taking a crash course in fighting arts from a world martial arts champion with an IQ lower than a klutzy child who barely manages to get passing grades in school."

Luna closed her eye again and rolled her head around to bask in the mid-morning sun.

"I probably sound like you because..." she paused. "I understand you. I may not know everything you seem to know. But I understand you."

Luna belted out a cat-yawn, her tongue curling back to reveal needle sharp teeth.

"And in that way," she continued. "I think someone finally understands ME."

"Kind of hard not to," I shrugged. "Not in the mess we're in. Anyway... You gonna' take a nap?"

"I think I'll take fifteen," the feline stretched out. "I think I've earned it."

"I hear you," I rolled my eyes. At least she can sleep whenever she wants. After a moment, with no more comments coming from Luna, I reached down and picked up the suit manual again.

Where was I? Oh yeah!

A skip dash was-

"Hey," Junpei flopped down across from me, causing me to snap the small paper booklet shut with an irritated growl. Junpei seemed oblivious to it however.

"How's the hand?" he asked.

"Oh, swell..." I replied with a touch of my irritation coming through as sarcasm. "It only feels like it's been dipped in fire. Quite an improvement from earlier when it felt like it had been dipped in a HOTTER fire."

"I know how you feel," Junpei smiled, placing a hand on the back of his head. As he did so, I did my best to let my irritation evaporate. "I once smashed up my hand sparring with my buddy Saitoh. Drove me nuts for a month!"

"How'd you manage that?" Ritsuko commented with a sly look.

Junpei laughed slightly.

"It's a silly mistake actually," he looked away. "I had him cornered and went for a finishing move. He stumbled, and I struck the corner post."

Ritsuko stifled a laugh.

"No padding?" I asked. "On the post I mean..."

"Some guy removed it so their kid could have something to play with," Junpei grumbled. "A little girl was using it for a fort."

Ritsuko squinted in confusion.

"Really?" she asked.

"Yeah..." Junpei shrugged. "Must have been some military commander. He had a dozen guys with him, and he was teaching them a total mess of close quarters techniques. I had half a mind to tell him off, but I wasn't quite as good as I am now, and those military commander types have a habit of hiding how good they really are until they take you apart."

And then Junpei grinned.

"Nice guy though. You'd have liked him Ritsuko. After I busted my hand, he bought me all the curry I could eat when he saw what happened. I ate so much curry it made me sick."

Ritsuko blanched and turned back to the barrel she was working on.

"Yech! I didn't think there was a limit to how much curry you could eat. You talk about it like it's the only thing in your diet."

"Hey," Junpei frowned. "I can't help it if I haven't had a decent curry in six months. It's not exactly easy to find around here."

I'll remember to keep curry on my 'To Acquire' list.

"I'm surprised you didn't turn yellow from all the curry you ate," Ritsuko snarked. "Seriously. That can't be good for you."

The two began to bicker slowly back and forth at that point, much to my chagrin. I'd never get through my manual at this rate.

"I give up," I announced to nobody in particular. I'll finish reading when I'm not getting interrupted every five seconds. Where did Airi and Celcia wander off to? I hadn't seen the two since breakfast. Piichi was around here somewhere. I'd seen that little bear-thing munching on a leaf earlier.

Coming out of my thoughts, I noticed the two were staring at me.

"What?" I asked. Junpei just shrugged, and Ritsuko mimicked the action before turning back to the disassembled Mossberg.

"Anyway," Junpei continued. "Where was I? Oh yeah! After busting my hand, I took to wearing hand protection all the time. Even a little bit extra helps. A cloth wrap is a good start, strengthens the metacarpals-"

I noticed out of the corner of my eye that Ritsuko's face started to blank when Junpei hit that word. She still couldn't believe he was capable of intelligent thinking.

"-When you tighten your fist. I used that until I could afford to buy myself some fighting gloves. I made the mistake of buying some cheap horsehair ones at first. Let me tell you. Waste of money. I threw the first pair out in less than a week. After that, I stuck with cloth wraps until I saved up enough money to get some pro gear."

Junpei held up his hand, displaying his finger less fighting gloves. Thick red padding squares protected the beginnings of each finger, and a large thick piece of padding covered the entire backside of his hand.

"I bought these," he continued. "A pretty good set too. First pair lasted me four years. This is my second pair."

Well, I always wondered what exactly the gloves were for aside from obvious 'fighting accessory.'

"I'd suggest," Junpei looked at my banged up hand for a moment. "That if you're going to go about punching anything else, you get a set of gloves too. Or even, hell... Use that weird glove you have. It looked rather sturdy. And those metal claws on the end could be useful."

I nodded; thinking about the one good bit of decent advice the fighter was giving me. At least I have a way to put Jail's glove to good use.

"That reminds me," the fighter continued. "Get up. I have a few things I need to teach you too."

"What?" I asked. "Now?"

"Yeah," Junpei shrugged as he stood up. "The cat's not the only one who could use a martial arts lesson. I need to teach you a few basic things or you'll end up busting that hand all over again."

"Shouldn't we wait until my hand's better before trying anything?" I queried.

"Nah!" Junpei waved it away. "We just need one hand for this."

"At least wait for Luna," I pointed down at the cat using my leg for a pill- now when did she go and do that?

Cats...

Junpei glanced at Luna, then shrugged.

"I guess," he replied. "Easier if I teach you both at the same time anyway."

Twenty minutes later (Luna took a longer nap than she thought), I found myself standing between Luna on one side, and Ritsuko on the other. The latter had quickly finished cleaning the Mossberg and had reassembled it after examining the reflex smart sight Washu had installed.

It had taken a little arguing with Junpei about how he wasn't going to teach her. But when I jumped in and pointed out it was probably better if she at least knew the basics, he relented. It took a slightly contrived 'what-if' scenario where Junpei might end up under some magic user's mind control (to which Ritsuko sniped quietly that Junpei didn't have a mind to control.) and would need Ritsuko to at least have enough knowledge to fight back if it came down to that.

He emphasized loudly to her several times that the only thing she should be using any martial arts for would be to get an opening so she could run away and get him.

The lesson?

How to correctly punch without destroying your hand. How useful... I had to use my opposite hand to follow the lesson.

"It's very important!" Junpei continued as he demonstrated. "That when throwing a punch, you have correct placement of your fingers. Never, EVER tuck your thumb inside your hand if you don't want it crushed."

Junpei tucked his thumb in, and I nodded mutely. I'd seen this before in basic. Don't put your thumb inside your fist. The moment you strike something it's effectively inside a vice. CRUNCH. There goes your thumb. Have a nice day.

"Most styles will teach you to tuck it off to the side," Junpei continued, showing the two girls. "One derivative however places the thumb on top."

Junpei rotated his thumb to place it on the top of his fist, pressed against the second knuckle of his index finger.

"You might find this variation useful," he pointed at me. "It adds a little strength to the fist in that position. Which is useful because the goal of getting a good punch in is to connect with the knuckles on the first two fingers first. With the metal claws on that glove of yours, having the thumb tucked on top will line that claw up with your punch like a sharp spike. Which should really help to drive home the point."

Damn puns...

"Keep a natural twist to the arm," Junpei kept on rolling. "Your fist should be vertical, but twisted slightly inwards. And when punching, remember this. Out like an arrow, in like your opponent's on FIRE. Kitty-"

Junpei pointed at Luna.

"Tell me why."

Luna blinked, not expecting to be quizzed.

"Uh..." she began. "So nobody can grab your hand?"

Junpei cocked his head to the side.

"I was going to say, so you can throw another punch." he shrugged. "But that'll do."

Figures the answer Junpei would be looking for would be the most aggressive.

The fighter continued to explain the mechanics of a good punch. The power bind the blow comes from the body, not the arm. You put your mass bind a punch, and it becomes devastating. But it doesn't end there. Putting your mass behind a punch requires good contact with the ground to brace your stance. A good punch starts in the feet. Pushing off with the back leg as you throw a blow almost guarantees that everything you have will channel into those contacting knuckles.

As a rule I had picked up a long time ago that Junpei reaffirmed: You don't punch your target; you punch BEHIND your target. Through it...

Luna seemed a bit surprised about that. But Ritsuko quickly caught on and explained that the intent of punching through and behind a target ensures that you will impart all of your force into the strike before you begin to draw your arm back.

Junpei then proceeded to explain and walk us through six variations of punch. Straight, jab, cross, hook, uppercut, and twist...

The entire routine lasted an hour as he coached and corrected Luna, warned Ritsuko about a dozen more times that the only thing she should do with a punch is use it to break for it. And reminded me that no matter how strong someone was, poor footing would sap a punch of most of its force.

Finally, he decided that we had the concept down well enough that he called a halt. He spotted Celcia and Airi coming back up the road from a town in the distance and wanted to break for lunch early. That was, until Celcia shook her head.

"I'm afraid we can't," the Pandafied elf commented. "We finished off what we had at breakfast."

"And from the looks of local prices," Airi continued. "We're going to have to get odd jobs."

"Not again," Ritsuko moaned. "That stupid burger job had me considering bringing Mike to work. I wanted to kill every one in the drive through. AND THIS WORLD DOESN'T EVEN HAVE CARS!"

"It can't be helped," Airi near lectured the younger girl. "I didn't expect the scare we caused to have such an adverse effect on the local economy."

"What scare?" I asked. "I hope it's not my fault. I've got enough problems as it is."

"Oh," Airi smirked. "Don't worry. It was because of the fires in the fields when Celcia launched the decoy operation. There wasn't much damage, but apparently it gave people the impression that we were going to go around burning food crops in the area. Someone probably went and spread rumors looking for a bit of a profit."

"Scare mongering," I grumbled. "Sounds like assholes."

"Indeed," the actress shrugged. "We're used to it though. Kind of goes with the territory of Those Who Hunt Elves."

"So we're- You're broke," I corrected myself.

"We're always broke," Junpei grumbled. "Seems that we can't ever catch a break. And when we do, we blow it."

An actress, a teenager, and a moron... Not exactly the pinnacle of sound financial investment if you ask me. If 'Those Who Hunt Elves' happened to include an accountant, maybe this wouldn't happen to them.

Still...

"So you haven't figured out a way to make some easy cash with YOUR combined talents?" I asked with a touch of chagrin. You've got to be kidding me. Even after all this time, they can't put their talents to commercial use?

"Those Get Rich Quick schemes never work," Ritsuko pouted. "Only an idiot would try them."

"Yeah," Junpei voiced in. "I tried a few things to make some quick cash... Didn't work."

Silence.

"You're not thinking like people from another world," I frowned. I can't believe Junpei walked into that one. I mean I can, but even he should have noticed. "Surely with all the stuff you've got, you could make a quick buck."

And then I glanced at Piichi... OH YEAH!

"Hold on," I turned and did my best to one-arm my way up onto Mike while the other three watched. Junpei finally got fed up with my struggling and gave me a helpful boost.

"Thanks," I nodded before hauling the hatch open.

A few seconds looking around inside the depths of the tank and I found what I was looking for. When I emerged, I threw a half-used roll of toilet paper at Junpei.

"What is?" he began. Luna simply backed away looking a touch grossed out.

"How much is that worth?" I asked. The moment I said that, Airi's composure completely broke and she slapped herself in the face. Somebody knows where I'm going with this.

"Uh... Crap," he commented cluelessly.

"Bad puns aside," I turned to Celcia. "Celcia, who are the only people who use that soft rolled paper?"

Celcia blinked at the question.

"Well," she began. "The only ones who use it are the royalty, and the rich..."

She stopped and her mouth fell open.

"It's worth a fortune," Ritsuko blinked.

"Exactly," I smirked. "If you sell it..."

"We'd be rich," Airi nodded as she removed her hand from her face. "I can't believe I overlooked that."

"It gets better," I laughed, then pointed at Piichi. "You're a rolling toilet paper manufacturing plant."

There was a long, exaggerated silence where I did my best to keep from laughing my ass off.

"So this animal's crap is worth a crap-load of money?" Junpei asked, holding up the squeezebly soft roll.

I nodded with a huge shit-eating grin from the top of Mike's turret.

"Dimensional Economics One-Oh-One," I began. "Everything on you is either worthless, or priceless."

Those Who Hunt Elves stared back, thunderstruck. In retrospect, that sounded awesomely wise.

I am SO keeping that one-liner.

 


	14. Crossworld Puzzle

* * *

**Chapter fourteen: Crossworld Puzzle**

_Step 1: Action A_

_Step 2: Action B_

_Step 3: Action C_

_Step 4: Random question marks indicating a complete lack of thinking the situation through._

_Step 5: PROFIT!_

_\- The typical structure of a Spacebattles profit scheme. Local versions may vary._

* * *

 

It was the whole reason I was in a hurry to leave Hinata yesterday.

"That was probably the smartest thing I've seen you do since Mitoto."

It was the problem that had been bothering me on and off since day one.

"All I did was exploit something that had always been bugging me about the show..."

It was the most basic necessity of modern living.

"No really, it was brilliant!"

It was something that I hadn't had for a week.

"Come on Luna, it wasn't THAT impressive."

Money.

"I'm serious. That had to be the single best idea yet that didn't sound like an insane plot cooked up by Usagi."

I glanced at Luna, my face slightly red as she showered me with praise. The reason for this was the sack of gold coins now safely tucked into my pocket universe.

Sack. Of. Gold. Coins.

A thrill shot right up my spine at the mere thought of it. I'm not exactly clear on the value of gold. But it was clear enough to me that a few pounds of the stuff would effectively be more money than I had ever had the privilege of having in my personal possession.

Naturally, my caution, and a healthy dose of 'this is when Murphy would come kick my ass' made me immediately stuff it away. Lest I get mugged right out of it, or swindled, or otherwise relieved of my new monetary gains. The gag comedy conventions didn't exist exclusively in Love Hina you know.

"It's basic economics," I continued. "Supply and Demand. When there is a demand for a good that is in short supply, its value skyrockets. It just so happened that I remembered Those Who Hunt Elves had a something that was otherwise near impossible to get, and thus worth a fortune."

Of course, that wasn't the end of it. While the price of Toilet paper was indeed astronomical because of the scarce supply, it was that same astronomical price that had a dicey effect on the demand.

Effectively, as Airi pointed out during our first, rather unproductive attempt to sell it. It was so expensive that Celcia's comment about only the rich and powerful being able to afford it held true.

The problem is that the Rich and Powerful are not an abundant resource. You can't simply walk into a shop like in some RPG and start selling your stuff. Here in the real world, (I guess you could call it that at this point) the shops have their own budgets. The rich are rich for a reason, and there is no economic black hole from which infinite amounts of trinket money can be pulled by any random git with enough patience to go klepto on a section of the world map.

I thank the entire Sim City franchise for at least keeping my knowledge of basic economics fresh since the days if high school economics class. Especially the fourth generation of the city building simulator. Its region system allowed for limited simulation of the complex interplay of inter-city commercial systems, and the transportation add-ons allowed for some highly complicated interdependent systems.

On that same note, games of X2 and X3 in turn taught me more about a complex dynamic economy from the perspective of the burgeoning business tycoon trying to make his sales runs in a system that was changing by the minute.

While neither game was anywhere near the dynamic complexities of a real world economy, it taught enough to give me a quick solution to the problem of having an absurdly priced product with no market.

Undersell.

Celcia was mortified at the mere thought of it. I don't blame her, seeing as I was effectively suggesting something along the lines of selling a Lamborghini for the price of a Chevy Suburban. But I looked at it like this. At the current value, the stuff was worth so much gold that it might as well be worthless. Without any buyers, we'd never sell the stuff and there would be no profit at all.

By undercutting the going market price by lowering our sales price, we'd find willing buyers. It was just a matter of finding out what the 'market price' was. It just seemed so simple to me...

I worked with Ritsuko on this. We had town full of 'middle class' people as far as I could tell. Fantasy settings aren't exactly my thing. But Ritsuko pointed out the features that defined the local economy.

Airi made things even simpler. Since she and Celcia had been in town earlier that morning to check on food prices, she had a good idea of what people were willing to afford.

A sales strategy soon formed.

We selected a 'target' demographic for our 'product'. While we COULD sell at ANY price and make a profit, we still wanted to make a hefty profit for our sales. So what we ended up going with was mainly the higher end business owners in town who still ran the shop themselves. They would be the ones with enough cash to blow on a fairly expensive product, and still be numerous enough that we'd have a large selection of targets. They were also the most pragmatic. You become a high-end shop owner by being an impulse shopper. So while they would be the most profitable targets, they were also the most difficult targets.

However, Airi assured us that if she could make an entire congregation of elves willingly strip in broad daylight with a bogus story, she could convince some stingy shop owners to purchase some 'heavily discounted' toilet paper.

All I had to do was get out of the way and let Those Who Hunt Elves do their thing.

Targets chosen, we unleashed Airi upon them. I almost had a touch of pity for the poor sods. As an actress, Airi has had her fair share of commercial product endorsements, and knew how to pitch a sale. With modern commercial advertising practices being applied to a world that barely understood beyond peddling and haggling, combined with Airi's acting abilities, plus the write-off use of one roll for Free Samples...

I think it goes without saying that every last extra roll got sold at a considerable profit.

No, it wasn't really fair at all. But at least I had the peace of mind that we weren't cheating anyone. I don't think I could live with myself to deliberately cheat people. Considering how hard I've worked for my money in the past, I understand how it would feel.

"Okay," Luna shrugged, pulling me out of my thoughts. "So now you've got money-"

"We've got money," I corrected. "You count too."

Luna blinked once.

"We've got money..." she continued after a moment. "What do you have in mind to do with it?"

"Don't know yet," I admitted. "There are things I need to buy, but we can't buy them here. And I don't exactly know how much we have in terms I recognize. So for the time being, I'd like to simply hoard what we've got. A few rolls of toilet paper got us a decent sized sack of gold, but I don't know exactly how that translates into purchasing power."

"Ten thousand dollars," Senbei's voice commented into my ear.

I damn near shouted at the top of my lungs.

"WHAT?" I managed to suppress my voice.

"Well," Senbei partially decloaked to look transparent next to me. "Give or take the value of gold on the Nikkei... But last time I checked, for the weight, you'd have about a million-yen's worth, or about ten thousand dollars."

I furrowed my brow at this. Since when did Senbei- Oh I'll just ask.

"How do you know that?" I asked.

Senbei smirked and swept himself in a flamboyant bow.

"Senbei, god of poverty and misfortune... " He paused, then his normal flamboyant manner evaporated

"I deal in fortune," he snapped. "Fortune is synonymous with WEALTH. Wealth, fortune, poverty... I go on about being rich."

Then Senbei fully decloaked and floated over to sit on Luna's shoulder, glancing at her in a non-plussed fashion.

"Really," he continued. "Happiness and money are just currencies. And being a master of my trade, it would be irresponsible of me not to understand such things. Of course, nobody appreciates those subtleties. But, there you have it."

Luna fixed Senbei with look that silently said 'whatever you say' and did her best to cover up anything she might be tempted to say with a disarming smile.

"So you watch the stock market?" I asked.

"Watch?" he grinned. "I trade!"

That made my eyebrow go up.

"Trade what?" I asked.

"Stocks," he smirked.

"In what?"

"Kuriyama Beika"

Luna laughed.

"What?" I asked. Luna just laughed a little harder, covering her mouth in the process. Did I miss something? An in-joke perhaps?

"Never mind," Luna recovered. "I'm afraid it's a reversal this time. You would have to know the context to get why it's funny."

I rolled my eyes before glancing around. Our outburst had gotten the attention of a few random 'peasants' nearby.

"Senbei," I glanced at the pint-sized demonic stockbroker. "You're unnerving people... "

"Right," he sighed. "I mustn't be seen."

And he made himself semi-transparent and floated back over to me, fading out to the point where I could only just see him against an uninterrupted background.

"So I've got ten thousand dollars in gold," I continued in a lower tone. "That literally doesn't add up. I know those shopkeepers weren't THAT well off."

"Only ten thousand back home," Senbei corrected. "It's as you said. Everything is either worthless, or priceless. You've got a decent amount of gold. But from what I gather it's value is not quite so high here as it is being used directly as currency with little use in anything else."

"So here, the value of gold is weak," Luna tilted her head to the side. "But if we take it with us and trade it for cash where it's stronger..."

"MASSIVE profit," I nodded back. "If we play our cards right, we shouldn't have to worry about money."

"Hmmm..." Luna nodded. "So long as we don't follow any of Usagi's investment schemes. I've never seen so much money blown on an arcade machine before."

I nodded. I'd REALLY love to Invest in an Xbox for Usagi. If only to see how she reacts to something like HALO. Oh yes, Usagi playing HALO. Let's see what happens when she's given a game that requires more than just fast-twitch reflexes.

"That reminds me," I started walking again. The onlookers Senbei attracted were making me nervous. "Now that I know we're in a pattern as far as these jumps are concerned. It means I know where we're going next. That means I can plan ahead."

Luna turned her head.

"You know where we're going then?" she asked.

I nodded.

"Great!" Luna clapped her hands, almost bouncing in her stride. "How should I deal with the next girl we land next to?"

"Well," I took a sidelong glance to shoot a glare at a couple of bystanders who hadn't quite moved on, then continued after they quickly decided they'd rather not be involved with the strange person. "If you can, do everything in your power to keep Rei from freaking out..."

Luna face lit up, and her smile widened.

"We're going home?"

What's this 'we' stuff? I don't live in Tokyo. Hell, I'm not even a natural born citizen of that universe.

"We should start figuring out how we can teach Usagi the fighting skills you know!" Luna continued. "Maybe give her a few lessons in planning, bring her up to speed on what's supposed to happen, maybe secure a contingency-"

"WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!" I stopped and turned, raising my hand. "Slow down Luna, you're getting WAY ahead of yourself."

"I'm just planning ahead," she countered. "There's a lot I have to do when we get back."

"Rome wasn't built in a day," I countered in English. That simply got me a confused look from the felis-sapien. "Look, one thing at a time. You're not the only one who's thought of putting Usagi through boot camp. I'd love to put the whole lot of them through Sand Hill. But I was nineteen, not fourteen, and I spent three months getting screamed at by drills. Let's work with what we've got for now."

Luna nodded; looking more restrained once again.

"I understand," she sighed. "What do you have in mind?"

"Dunno," I shrugged. "Find something to eat I guess. Rice just doesn't last."

"Tell me about it," Luna frowned. Poor kitty was using her human form to wander the town with me, and she hadn't had anything really good for a feline YET.

"We need to find a steakhouse or something," I commented, glancing around at the local shops. "Or maybe a butcher. See if we can't get ourselves a few huge steaks."

MEAT. Cats need MEAT. Take care of Luna... And of course Senbei...

"What about you Senbei?" I glanced at my all but invisible shoulder devil. "I haven't seen you eat a thing."

The little demon god seemed slightly taken aback that someone actually had his well being in mind. Then he just shrugged.

"I have a snack here and there," he admitted. "Though I can recharge myself off of people's fortunes."

"Right," I commented as I scanned about. I noted as I did so how the convoluted world cross effect from the 'Those Who Hunt Elves' plot had affected things. This was a pre-industrial revolution town, but there was a coffee shop not too unlike a Starbucks across the street. It didn't jump out and scream 'wrong' like I would have expected, but the shop front didn't exactly match the old European style of many of the buildings around here. So it kind of held my glance for a second.

I wonder what they have besides coffee.

"How about we ask her," Luna tugged on my arm and nodded down the street.

I glanced in the direction the feline indicated and noted a young lady heading our way. Compared to most of the other people wandering around, she HAD to be wearing whatever amounted to expensive clothes around here.

"She probably knows a good place to eat," Luna continued. "I'm sure I could find out."

Yeah, maybe. I glanced at Luna then at the approaching girl again, then did a double take and blanched.

Maybe not.

The young lady looked about ready to kill something.

"Best leave that one alone," I frowned. "She don't look too thrilled at the moment."

"Nonsense," Luna gave me a wry smirk. "Just keep quiet and let me work."

Luna brushed past me, working to straighten out her posture and quickly approached the now notably grumbling young lady.

"Excuse me miss," Luna began. "If I can have a moment of-"

"WHAT?" the young lady snapped, causing both of us to jump. "What do you want?"

"I apologize for bothering you," Luna clasped her hands in front of herself and did a slight bow. "I was wondering if you might know of a nice restaurant in the area."

"I don't have time for such nonsense!" the girl snapped angrily, then haughtily turned to march past me, sparing me only the slightest sidelong glance in curiosity.

Sheesh, what crawled up her ass and died?

Once her back was turned, I rolled my eyes and glanced back at Luna. I told you s-

The young lady whipped about and leveled a quick glare at me.

"I know I didn't just hear you roll your eyes at me," she snarled, getting right in my face so fast I simply held my hands up. Yikes! Talk about volatile.

She held her glare for a moment, seeming confused as she glanced slightly to the side of my head as if looking for something she couldn't see. Then seemed to note my injured hand, and glanced at Luna.

"Chateau Le Blanc," she continued with a snap. Luna instantly shot me another smirk. "Five blocks over. And tell them to go easy on the Garlic."

She then glanced at Luna one more time, sizing her up, and her nose crinkled.

"And clean yourselves up before you go," she continued with a whirl as she started walking away. "You look like you rolled in a ditch."

Luna's expression melted and she started fidgeting in place.

"And you feel like you picked up an evil spirit," she shot over her shoulder at me. "Do something about it."

After a few seconds to let the lady get some distance and obstructing noises, I shook my head.

"People around here can hear your facial expression?" Senbei quietly asked.

"Just elves," I shook my head, then furrowed my brow and turned to look again. The young lady crossed the street, heading for the coffee shop. Now that I was looking, I noticed the headband she was wearing, covering her ears.

An Elf... Definitely an Elf.

Junpei, Ritsuko, and Airi are bound to find her, and strip her foul tempered ass soon enough. Then she'll have an actual REASON to be in a bad mood. It kind of sucks to be her. Maybe if I can figure out if she's got a spell fragment on her without having to get the other three involved...

I took a step towards the coffee shop and paused.

No, bad idea. You've got enough on your plate already. Let's not get ourselves any more mixed up in a typical Elf Hunting plot. We need to save resources and someone with that kind of temperament won't listen to reason anyway. Leave her to the experts.

"Come on," I shrugged, turning back to Luna. "Let's get something to eat."

We got about ten paces before I stopped and looked back again.

It occurs to me, that I can at least observe her... Maybe find out who she is and give that info to Airi. Then maybe Airi can deal with her before Junpei does. A little payback for causing them trouble.

No... Too risky.

I turned away again.

But... I paused.

"What's up?" Luna asked.

Yes... It has potential benefits.

NO. It has drawbacks if it screws up.

Gah, I can't decide!

Flip a coin.

"Senbei, pick a number between one and ten," I stated aloud.

Evens.

"Eight," Senbei commented quietly.

I turned to Luna, who was looking at me expectantly.

"When in Rome," I commented in English and turned back towards the coffee shop.

"Hold up," Luna commented before I reached the entrance. I glanced over my shoulder to find the felis-sapien patting down her dress in an attempt to make herself look a little more presentable. On that note, I gave myself a similar once over.

Once Luna was satisfied with herself, she nodded to me, and we went inside.

The place smelled like a coffee shop. I don't like coffee, tastes nasty. But the aroma isn't all that bad. However, the place had the feel of a diner. It had the bar, and then several booths I hadn't noticed from outside at the window. It was also deeper than it was wide. An admittedly cute waitress was bouncing here and there between several of the booths, flirting with several young guys who seemed to be here more for the scenery than the food. I was reminded of a cross between a Starbucks, a Subway, and a very compact IHOP.

"Welcome to McPhee's!" the guy behind the bar smiled invitingly through a huge mustache. I admit, it was genuinely odd to hear Japanese words coming out of a Scottish accent. But then again, twisted, TWISTED world.

"How's it going?" I nodded.

"Not bad," he replied, "Grab a seat and Meryl'll be right with you."

I nodded and scanned the room again, taking in the occupants while trying to find that Elf.

Bingo, towards the back corner, next to another obvious elf in a heavy coat sipping on a-

Is that JUDGE?

I glanced on then came back a moment later to take in the gray coat and hat motif covering a middle-aged looking elf with silver hair.

That IS Judge.

Well, well, well...

I let my eyes continue scanning, as not to look like I was looking at anyone in particular. I don't want people who can hear my facial expressions somehow manage to realize I was staring.

"Let's grab a booth Luna," I announced, feigning disinterest.

I wonder if finding him was a PURE coincidence, or if perhaps having Luna with me has had some of that 'Absurdly Convenient Coincidence' from her home universe rub-off on me. You don't just FIND a guy like Judge hanging around. He finds you.

I eyed the booth in the back corner. I liked to be able to see the entire room when I sat down. It was a habit I picked up from my dad. Plus it would be close enough to hear them talking.

Then again, Judge would be one to be pretty close to Those Who Hunt Elves, if only to keep them under light observation.

"I still don't see why you wanted to meet me here..."

I was getting close enough to hear them now as went straight for the booth. The up-tight elf was practically seething in her spot next to Judge.

"They have an excellent brew," the male elf commented idly. "Today's blend is especially good. You should try some."

The thing about Judge, mind you that's the only name I have for the guy, is that in the show, he acted as a kind of ultimate antagonist for the first season. Not evil. Thankfully not every antagonist was some horribly done bad guy. But rather officious, and bureaucratic.

As his name would imply, he's kind of like an elven cop, or investigator. Given the rather, dubious nature of the actions of Those Who Hunt Elves in their quest to collect the spell fragments, it's only natural that someone like this would end up opposing them.

I mean you can't just go around stripping people and expect there not to be consequences.

"I don't like coffee," the female elf snapped. "And I don't like having my time wasted."

"You should try and relax a little Miss Ayers," Judge replied. "Getting riled up only clouds your judgement."

"RELAX?" Ayers practically shouted, earning a glance from the shop owner. She glanced for a moment then hunched her shoulders. "How can I relax after what those... those, HOOLIGANS did to me?"

"I understand how you feel," Judge turned his head. "But you must calm down."

"You don't understand at all!" she hissed. "You didn't have your clothing forcefully ripped from your body by an oversized moronic killing machine! You didn't have your fields set on fire, or your property severely damaged by an iron chariot! You didn't pay money for some of the best protection available in the private sector only to have it walked over like it wasn't even there!"

That... That's that rich elf they stripped last week!

I glanced at Luna who had no idea what was going on. For a lack of giving away any audible body motions, I let my eyes flick back to the pair a few times. I was starting to feel I could risk that much with the two so preoccupied.

"If you wish to file a formal complaint like we established the other day, we can have you reimbursed for the property damage and wasted wages," Judge continued. "A compensation fund has been set up for that very reason."

Heh... I almost let myself smirk. 'Those Who Hunt Elves' insurance.

"What about my DIGNITY?" she continued. "What about my modesty as a woman? Doesn't that mean anything to you people at all?"

"I assure you," Judge took a sip of his coffee. "We have your best interests at heart."

"Then why don't you DO something about them?" the rich elf, Miss Ayers, continued.

"Tiffany," Judge sighed. "The Elf Investigative Committee has attempted on several occasions to halt the less than acceptable activities of Those Who Hunt Elves. Each an every time we've been presented with a stumbling block that has prevented us from doing so. It is not for a lack of trying that 'Those Who Hunt Elves' are still allowed to continue their deplorable actions."

"What's so hard about simply destroying them?" Tiffany asked. "You round up enough people and pay them enough money and you can bury them in numbers! Surely you can do that. I would even pay you myself if it would help!"

She doesn't have the slightest clue what she's up against.

"The Elf Investigative Committee is not your private army," Judge admonished the younger elf. "There are certain circumstances behind Those Who Hunt Elves that prevent us from taking such obvious routes as military action."

"Like what?" Ayers asked.

"I'm afraid I am not permitted to give you that information," Judge replied. "But believe me when I say that it is of dire consequence to everyone."

"Hey guys!" the waitress finally wandered over with a big smile, placing a pair of menus down in front of Luna and myself. "I'm Meryl. I'll be your waitress. Do you need any drinks to start?"

"Water," I commented without even thinking.

"Do you have any milk?" Luna asked curiously. Meryl glanced at Luna with a puzzled expression for a moment before smiling.

"I'll have them right out," she beamed, and quickly bounced away.

"-Don't want to do anything about them." I managed to just barely catch that sentence. "Then I'll just have to do it myself."

"I would not suggest you continue with that course of action," Judge shook his head. "Those Who Hunt Elves are highly experienced in dealing with the vengeful."

"I don't care!" Tiffany slammed her hand against the bar. "I'll figure something out."

This does not bode well. I mean, she's probably going to do little more than humiliate herself. But when you've got as much money as she probably does, things can get... Dicey.

"Be advised that any action you take without approval cannot be condoned by the Elf Investigative Committee," Judge warned. "Any losses you incur should you choose to continue will be solely your responsibility."

"Fine," the female Elf replied. "It's settled then. You guys won't do anything, so I will."

And she stood up with a huff, slapping a coin down on the bar before leaving in a huff. As she did so, I quickly flipped up the menu Meryl had placed in front of me and shielded my face from view.

There was a jingle a moment later, and the sound of the owner thanking a customer for their patronage.

"Didn't even finish her drink," Judge muttered to himself. I waited a few more seconds, pretending to stare at my menu. The difference between a convincing act and a hilariously obvious session of eavesdropping could make all the difference in not getting caught.

"Excuse me," he continued after a moment. "If I could get a refill..."

"Oh sure thing!" I heard Meryl's voice and lowered my menu. She was coming back with a pair of glasses.

"Thank you," Judge nodded as she passed him.

"Here you go!" the waitress smiled as she set a glass of water on the table, followed by a glass of what I believe was milk. I mean, it looked like milk. A really creamy milk... But it was either a trick of the light, or it had a slightly blue pallor to it.

"Thank you," I replied with a smile.

"Do you guys need a little more time to look?" she continued. "Or are you ready to order?"

Judge wasn't going anywhere any time soon, so I guess we were stuck here for the duration. Otherwise he'd know something was up.

"We need a few minutes," I nodded. To which Meryl quickly turned to walk away. In the mean time, Luna was looking strangely at her glass, and giving it a test sniff.

"Smells off," she mused. "And is it just me, or is it blue?"

"It's not pasteurized," I advised. That had to be why it seemed odd. "Drink at your own risk."

Luna looked again at the glass and made a face, then carefully raised it and gave it a test sip. Her eyes widened in surprise.

"SWEET!" she blinked, then looked at the milk again. "I've never heard of milk being sweet before."

I shrugged and lifted my menu up. Might as well make the most of-

I stopped.

I looked again.

"This has to be a joke," I muttered. I was half expecting to see Japanese characters, or gratuitous English lettering. Instead, the menu was covered in a series of sharp, blocky figures made entirely out of straight lines. It was... Nordic Runes?

Great... Just when I thought I had things at least understood with this world, I get slapped in the face with the obvious. No wonder Junpei constantly complains that he hates Fantasy Stories.

The fact that the Menu was written in Norse just made me want to drop my head on the table. If only I had Belldandy here to translate for me. Or Urd... That whole pantheon was based on Norse Mythology.

"The chicken tortilla soup looks promising," Senbei's voice came to my ear.

I resisted the urge to look at Judge as the little demon god reminded me of his presence. His talking was definitely louder than any of my facial expressions. But if Judge heard him, he made no signs of caring. Then again, what reason did he have to be worried? I'm unknown.

Focusing on the issue of the menu, at least someone here could read it.

"What else looks good?" I asked innocently.

After some quiet deliberation, I settled for the soup. Luna went for a Salisbury Steak.

The waitress returned with Judge's refill and took our order. Luna continued to cautiously, but enjoyably nurse her Russian Roulette of a drink. I hope she doesn't get sick. I'm not qualified to play field medic; I'm even less qualified to play veterinarian. I'd hate to have Washu on the line diagnosing food poisoning for a catgirl from another universe.

Food came quickly. And I was officially writing this world off as fucked up beyond all recognition. Between the Starbucks meets IHOP layout, with the Nordic runes, and the fact that half the menu was like a Tex Mex... Oy...

Junpei. I feel you man. I feel you.

Before long, Judge finished his refill and stood up to leave, taking only a quick casual glance around the shop and pausing on me for only a moment. The atypical clothing I was wearing had been attracting curious glances here and there. So I did my best not to tense up when it inevitably drew his attention.

After that, he left some coins on the bar, tipped Meryl for her excellent service, and casually strolled out the door.

As soon as it shut, I let my eyes flick up to watch the Elf Investigator walk past the window and out of sight. After another thirty seconds, I let my eyes drop back to Luna. The felis-sapien had a very serious look on her face.

"You heard them right?" I asked. She just nodded.

"She's going to attempt to get revenge," Luna frowned. "That might cause us some problems."

"Agreed," I stated simply, stuffing my face with a bite of chicken.

Luna then grabbed up her fork and bit into a piece of steak she'd cut off, and smiled giddily at the taste.

"Mmm... Usagi never feeds me stuff this good."

Then she turned her eyes to me, serious once more.

"So what are we going to do about it?" she asked.

I thought about it. My first instinct in a situation like this would be to warn Airi about it so she could be prepared for what Miss Ayers might be planning. My second, creative thought was cooking up the possibility of throwing a wrench in the works to cut the problem off before it could get out of hand.

However, I knew better. An attempt to interfere would increase the probability of setting off gags. Attempting to get in the middle of this would most likely result in a situation much more convoluted than I could account for. And I don't know that Elf like I knew Motoko. Without more information to work with, setting something up to divert the comedy of such a situation around me would be impossible.

"We do nothing," I concluded. Luna just looked at me with a disappointed frown.

"Conventions?" she asked.

"Conventions," I nodded. "For the time being we'll just watch and wait. The less we interfere in this kind of thing, the less likely we get caught in the side-affects."

"I could always deal with her," Senbei let some of his mischievous bearing come to the forefront of his tone. It was tempting, but... No.

"If there's an opportunity for a little luck manipulation you'll be the first to know," I advised the demon god.

"So that's it?" Luna asked. "We just let it work itself out?"

"If anything worth exploiting rears its ugly head," I pointed out. "We'll jump on it faster than Usagi on Rei's manga collection. Just keep your eyes peeled."

"Right," Luna nodded, then stuffed another bite into her mouth, and almost squealed in pleasure.

Seriously, do you get like, nothing but cat food and milk half the time? You didn't even react like this to Shinobu's cooking yesterday. I'm reminded of that episode of Red Dwarf where Rimmer did a body swap and got put into Lister's body. Rimmer, having been dead and a hologram for years had a field day. Junk-food feasts, long hot baths... Smoking... Blech!

Luna must not have realized just what having access to a humanoid form meant after being in a cat body for so long. Being able to experience LIFE from the human perspective is going to prove quite distracting for her, I'm sure of it.

We continued eating in near silence. I stopped to break off a little bit of chicken and covered it in cheese and set it aside for Senbei. He didn't eat much. But then again, he's the size of a one-dollar bill.

Meryl came by twice more to check on us. The second time around, I made to check my watch... I keep forgetting it's not a watch. Damn old reflexes.

"Can we get a to-go bag?" I asked. "And the check..."

The waitress left to deal with that and within' a minute, returned with our bill and a couple of Styrofoam boxes and cups for our food.

Styrofoam... Styro-fucking-foam. In a pre-industrial setting... The damn things better grow on trees or something. My brain is starting to rebel against the stacking number of absurdities.

Meryl gone to tend another customer, and loading the remains of my meal into my soup cup, I began to glance at the check. More Norse gibberish. I'll let Senbei read it for me. Then he can tell me how much gold-

FUCK.

I stopped and sat back in the booth, feeling a touch stupid. Luna glanced up from finishing up her steak.

"What?" she asked.

I glanced at the catgirl. To pay the bill, I needed gold. I had gold, but it was in my subspace pocket. In order to retrieve said gold, I had to open the pocket. However I can't just open that portal anywhere without freaking out the locals. Magic or no, a hole in the air might be a touch more than they can handle. I could retreat to the bathroom, but with my right hand still immobilized, I couldn't grab the sack. So I'd have to have Luna grab it for me.

If I went to the bathroom and had Luna come with me. That might look... Odd.

I drummed my good hand on the table for a moment, thinking. It's always the little problems that get you.

I glanced up at the front where Meryl was flirting with a new round of customers. If only there were distracted long enough not to look back here...

"Senbei," I nodded to the little demon god, who made himself a little less transparent. "We need a little distraction up front. Just don't hurt anyone."

Senbei put his semi-transparent hand on his chin and glanced up front, eyeing Meryl as she quickly retrieved several glasses and started filling them.

"You're not planning to eat and run are you?" Luna asked.

"No," I commented quietly. "I just don't want to open a big fat hole in the space time continuum where everyone can see it."

"Oh," Luna blinked. "The gold's still in there."

"Right," I nodded with a sigh.

"Bingo," Senbei commented quietly, and vanished.

At first, nothing seemed to happen. Then, without any warning whatsoever. Meryl, who'd been turning with a tray full of glasses for the new customers by that point, suddenly tripped up and stumbled with a surprised squeak. The tray flipped up, and the glasses scattered before she collided with a shelving tower holding several more.

That quickly came free of its spot and prepared to come crashing down on the waitress. As I watched, I realized with almost a shock of horror that it had to weigh upwards of a hundred pounds, loaded down with enough glass to put a person on the hospital for a month.

'WHAM!'

The owner managed to cross the distance surprisingly fast to slam the tilting shelving back into position, dropping only a few glasses next to the prone waitress.

"That's the last time I use that carpenter!" he spat. "Meryl! Are you okay?"

The guys she'd been flirting with quickly got up to surround her. As they did so, Senbei popped back into sight next to my plate.

"Mission accomplished," he bowed.

"I said not to hurt anyone," I hissed under my breath. "You almost crushed her."

"Non!" Senbei snapped back with an equal hiss. "I only tripped her. The shelf was not my doing."

Flippin' figures.

"Fine," I snapped, then quickly checked and raised my arm to clear the booth. "Luna..."

Luna nodded as I thumbed my portal open. The catgirl reached in and retrieved my bag of gold in only a few seconds. As soon as she was clear, I thumbed it shut before anyone could notice the dark hole at the back of the shop.

Back at the front, Meryl was doing her best to assure her small crowd of admirers that she was okay, if only soaked. As she did so, I fished out a gold coin and placed it on the table.

"This enough?" I asked the demon god, who glanced at our bill.

"Easily," he confirmed after a moment.

After a few minutes to clean herself up, Meryl returned to the table to collect on our bill.

"Was everything satisfactory?" she asked.

"Good stuff," I nodded as I stood up to leave. The waitress bent over to collect the gold coin.

"I'll get your change-" she began.

"Keep the change," I commented, causing her to blink in surprise.

"SERIOUSLY?" she asked.

"You deserve it," I shrugged. To tell the truth, I was feeling a touch guilty for almost getting her smashed. "Split it with the boss or something and replace what got broke."

"Thanks!" she blinked wide-eyed as I turned to leave. Several of the local stock of admiring males were glaring daggers. Bite me.

Once we were back outside on the street, I sighed and looked around. Probably time to head back to camp and think about what Ayers was up to.

"That was risky."

"JESUSFUCKINGCHRIST!" I about jumped out of my skin as I realized Judge was standing not six feet away leaning casually against the building. "DON'T DO THAT!"

"I thought there was something odd about your aura," he continued. "Then that really subtle, high level magic I felt a minute ago... It matches you perfectly."

He must have felt Senbei like Ayers did.

"What," I began "Were you standing here the whole time?"

"I was a block away," Judge shrugged. "The spell felt strange, so I came back to check on it."

I guess that's reasonable for someone in his line of work.

"I didn't do anything," I responded. Technically true. Senbei did it.

Judge examined my face closely before standing up straight.

"I should hope not," he shrugged as he turned. "Had you hurt someone, I would have been forced to intervene. And I generally don't hold back as a rule. You should be a little more careful about where and when you use your magic. Reckless endangerment really gets my heckles raised."

"Uh..." I began. Just nod and smile... "Sure. Whatever you say."

"So long as we understand each other," he began to walk away. "Stay safe."

I waited for the Elf Investigator to again walk out of sight before even letting myself think about what just happened. I was pushing my luck eavesdropping on him. I mean, I have nothing to fear from him because I haven't done anything. But Judge didn't get his position on the Elf Investigative Committee (Gotta' be an FBI analogue for this messed up world.) for being bad at what he did.

The guy was a brilliant tracker, intelligence gatherer, and master of golem based magic. He made copies of 'Those Who Hunt Elves' that could fight them to a stand still. When Junpei fought his golem copy, he even went so far as to compliment how it knew his every move.

Judge had a simple response.

'He IS your every move.'

I do NOT want to get into a pissing match with that guy.

"Come on," I sighed. "Let's get back to the others. We're late."

Luna nodded as we began to walk down the street again.

"Beedeedeep! Beedeedeep!"

Now what?

"Beedeedeep! Beedeedeep!"

I frowned as I tried my best with one hand to fish out Washu's little Crab-Tooth communicator beacon, getting a few more looks from random passers by. What could she possibly be calling me for NOW? She can't have expected me to have already finished the suit manual, could she?

I fumbled the device a few times trying to open it. I was really starting to miss having two functional hands with all the trouble I was having. I mean, you just don't appreciate it until it happens. And then it drives you nuts.

However, after dropping the whole shebang on the ground twice. I finally, with Luna's help, managed to get the earpiece wrapped around my ear, and hit the answer button.

"Y'ello?" I asked in a slightly convoluted English response.

"Ye-what?" the voice on the other end crackled. I furrowed my brow.

"Ayeka?"


	15. NoReturn Policy

* * *

**Chapter fifteen: NoReturn Policy**

_"Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy."_

_\- Sir Isaac Newton_

* * *

 

It felt like I was talking on a cell phone.

That's the best way to describe how it felt to talk on Washu's crab-tooth beacon communicator. Thing...

It was like a cell phone. A long range, interdimensional cell phone with the clarity of a short band radio headset with crappy microphones used in fast food restaurant Drive-Thru's. But a cell phone.

Or rather, that's how the last twenty minutes of conversation with Ayeka felt. In a situation where I had all but abandoned my perspective of what was normal in order to keep from having a complete and total nervous breakdown. It was this conversation that to me felt so very calmingly normal.

I'll admit, I've been hiding my nerves quite well. But I'm still scared. Despite how well things have been turning out. I'm still scared. I'm scared to relax. To relax, and become complacent in the patterns I've noticed and started to bank on at this point.

I'm scared that if I relax, something will change. Maybe I won't wake up where I thought I would. Maybe I'm going to guess horribly wrong about someone's personality. Maybe I'll miss judge one of the seeming narrative conventions I've picked up on. Any and all of which could get me killed.

When Judge startled me back at McPhee's, it was that hot and cold flash more than the pain of my broken hand that had reminded me just how precarious my position was. It was that moment when I had been so utterly, completely surprised. Not merely given an unexpected result. Completely and totally: 'BOOM! Headshot!' surprised. It reminded me how utterly, insanely terrified I still was inside. Truth be-told, if I had access to any of my weapons at the time, I'd have blown his head off without thinking. Luckily, with my shotgun stuffed into a spatial pocket, Judge remained safely naive of what Washu's custom bullets could do to watermelon analogues.

The normalcy of the conversation with Ayeka did wonders for my stress after this.

Washu had gone out to take care of something. And by gone out, I don't mean a trip to the corner store like we'd done two days ago. The Greatest Scientific Genius in the Universe has errands to run too, yes. But they just fall on a completely different scale.

Washu was heading out to the GP Academy I believe Ayeka had explained. Which meant she'd be out for the rest of the day. Washu had asked the princess to give me a call and check up on how my hand was, and how far along I had gotten in my homework.

That's how it started anyway.

The princess felt the need to chew me out for not completing Washu's instructions to one hundred percent. At which point I argued back that it's not going to get all done in one sitting, but quickly found that Ayeka was well-versed in selective hearing and aggressive counter response on a level equally as stubborn as I am.

Luna, now back in her cat form to conserve energy as we walked along the road, snickered a little at the conversation. Even as Ayeka continued to rake me over the coals for busting my hand up, and all the screw-ups that lead up to it.

Pardon me, but I didn't exactly expect to play psychological war games with Motoko. I didn't know she thought she'd killed me. And I certainly didn't realize I would have to intimidate Naru using brute force just to get her to leave me alone.

I decided to leave the whole four-way plan I had concocted conveniently out of the conversation. Luna was still trying not to laugh outright as Ayeka continued with the third degree.

The discussion of what Junpei had explained to me, with Ayeka, went a lot better than I would have expected.

Most people, after watching Washu trying to explain something like the MASU to the girls, would expect them to be a bit clueless with any technical explanation. I mean, the concept of the MASU was rather straight forward, at least in my opinion. But only Sasami seemed to get it.

Maybe the child-like infighting between Ryoko and Ayeka had been too distracting to actually pay attention to a simple explanation. Maybe it was just the way I conveyed what I was talking about. I'm used to translating technical into layman's speak for people after all.

But digressing. As it turns out. Ayeka is quite smart. Not SMART-smart... But not the clueless girl without the slightest comprehension of basic sciences you might think of on the surface. Now, while she feigned interest in the workings of Washu's suit. (I could tell from the way that her voice went flat.) She did have some interest in the explanation Junpei had for wearing a glove. She even went so far as to concur with what he'd said about throwing a punch.

It turned out though, that the interest was only because it allowed her to segue into a conversation on my clothing.

Of all the...

First Kitsune criticizes my clothing; now the princess.

Ayeka thought my choice of clothing was abominable. I guess that from a princess that can be expected. Even Tenchi's clothes, simple as they were in terms of costume design, had an air of sophistication and a sense of style.

I was wearing a thin brown shirt, and black pants.

While it was not the epitome of style, it was what I was comfortable with. Partially a product of my military training, partially a product of Texas summer heats. And all designed to be light and comfortable. But the princess wouldn't take that excuse.

Somewhere in all this, I explicitly remember demanding to know my pants and shirt sizes. Honestly, as fast as I had been losing weight, I couldn't really tell her. So I said: 'Check with Washu, I'm not sure any more.'

Luna even got into the conversation a little. Having that superb cat hearing, she could pick up everything Ayeka said without even wearing the device. And before I knew it, I was being doubled teamed by the two for my total disregard of my physical image.

Just what I needed... The princess and the aristo-... Okay, I'm game for the pun: 'aristo-CAT'.

In order to at least try and get back at Luna's pompous teasing, I decided to poke back at her own fashion sense by grabbing and throwing a hat at her like a Frisbee.

"Here! See if it matches!"

It was funny to see the kitty 'gak!' under a hat almost bigger than she was. And I afforded a few seconds of relaxing chuckles before Luna's question stopped me dead in my tracks.

"Where'd you get this?"

Dead silence.

It's the kind of full stop you get when a piece of logic just doesn't connect. Even Ayeka on the other end of the crab-tooth went quiet. Having been so absorbed with just the casual argument between the two females, I hadn't even realized I'd picked up something that didn't belong.

But on the mental playback, the fact that I had pulled what seemed to be a lady's sun hat off a bush where it had been snagged as I passed...

What's a hat like this doing stuck to a bush?

It didn't take long for my mind to catch up with me. You're walking down the road back to camp... A camp with Those Who Hunt Elves. You find a hat belonging to someone who is no doubt a girl snagged on a bush.

I looked at the bush, and noticed several snapped branches, and further trampled plants leading away up the hill. As if someone who had no experience with the wilderness, period. Put a bunch of unlikely circumstances together...

"Ayers..." I grumbled, letting a long drawn out groan of frustration rattle along behind it.

"You sure?" Luna asked. The feline went over to the bush and tilted her head. "She wasn't wearing a hat before."

"I'm... Ninety five percent certain," I shook my head. "Who else COULD it be?"

Luna sniffed the branch, and then turned, trotted over, and gave the hat a sniff.

"Well," she continued. "It DOES smell like her."

"Great," I sighed.

"What's the matter?" Ayeka crackled over the earpiece.

"Revenge-happy Elf," I pushed a branch aside to try and look up the path that had been trampled through the bramble. "She's about to do something monumentally stupid, and now I've got to stop her."

"I thought we weren't going to do anything," Luna commented.

"That was before," I commented back. "I thought she'd take a day or three to plan her little scheme. But it looks like she's got no patience whatsoever."

"I could have told you that," Luna frowned.

Yeah, I thought she'd waste her time plotting some elaborate, doomed-to-fail Incredible Machine styled trap. You know; the type you'd find with a super villain. Something that would be right at home in Those Who Hunt Elves. At least then we'd be well and gone by the time she got around to putting her plot into action. And nowhere around when she got thoroughly humiliated by Those Who Hunt Elves.

Not for her go tromping through the woods the moment she made her mind up. Which means she's likely to interrupt the rest of Luna's martial arts lessons from Junpei. That makes her my problem.

Oh god dammit...

"Another wonderful day in Those Who Hunt Elves," I sighed sarcastically in English. "This freakin' world is so messed up..."

Turning to Luna as I mentally switched myself back to Japanese...

"Stay here," I instructed. "I'm going to go up there and try and talk her out of whatever it is she's up to."

Then I paused, and looked at my shoulder.

"Senbei?"

"Yesu?" he appeared in a spout of 'Engrish'.

"You stay too," I continued. "Everyone and their mother seems to be able to sense you. I don't think it's a good idea to come off as 'demonic'... If you get my meaning."

Senbei just floated off my shoulder and down to Luna. Where he quickly made to sit on her back, only to be swatted straight to the ground and pinned by a paw.

"Try it and I'll fillet you," Luna admonished the demon.

"Yes ma'am," Senbei responded with a gasp.

"Should I hang up?" Ayeka crackled on the other end of the comms.

"Nah," I replied as I shook my head at Luna's feline antics. "I can't sneak up on an elf anyway."

Leaving the two sidekicks to themselves, I started pushing my way through the brush and up the hill. It was easy to follow the path of broken branches and trampled underbrush. About twelve meters into the mess, the bracken made way to a small runoff ditch etched in by years of rainfall. That made the climb a bit easier until another obvious path had been cleared nearby.

Clear was relative though. Aside from some trampled weed-like plants and the occasional broken branch, it was typical density underbrush. In other words, desperately in need of a machete...

I had to be mid way up the hill when I finally announced a conclusion to the princess.

"I think this Elf had to pick the hardest path up the most scraggly overgrown hillside on the freakin' planet."

"What?" Ayeka crackled. "Why do you say that?"

'THWACK!'

"GAH-OD DAMMIT!" I snarled. "Because I just discovered Mesquite!"

I'd pushed a branch to the side with my bad arm. And it had slipped free since I couldn't hold onto it and snapped back, alerting me to the presence of several inch-long thorns only in the milliseconds before it gouged several cuts across my cheek. Examination of the offending plant while I wiped at the scratches on my face with my good hand confirmed that it was pretty much a carbon copy of a Mesquite. I had one in my backyard back home.

"I'm afraid I don't follow," Ayeka sounded like she was shrugging.

"Thorny bush," I replied with a touch of irritation. "Absurdly tough for its size, and even harder to kill. Annoying to stumble across at random, bad on tires if you run it over. Worse on your foot if you drive a thorn through your shoe. If any of the trees in the Royal Arboretum are Mesquite, you should tell Ryu-Oh to let it know it'd be one badass battleship."

"You're not really supposed to know about that," Ayeka crackled.

"You don't seem to get it," I began pushing my way up the hill again. "I probably know more about you than YOU do."

"Oh really?" the Princess asked.

"Really-really," I replied.

"Try me," she crackled.

Easy win.

"Ask your brother some time why he looks like he looks like a sixty year old man when everyone else looks no older than thirty," I shoved my way past another Mesquite, being careful not to get slashed a second time. "If you haven't figured it out already..."

There was a long, slightly static silence, and then:

"HE WOULDN'T!"

"Ouch!" I snapped in response. Too bad I can't adjust the volume on this thing.

"He would have told me!" Ayeka continued in a slightly quieter tone.

"He didn't tell you the first time," I pointed out. "In fact, once you found him out. You were all too ready to believe the facade was real. Considering how old everyone seems to be. I would have at least checked."

Another silence...

"Attention to detail," I commented idly. "If you want to act a little more like Funaho, observe more, react less. You'll spot more that way..."

Speaking of which. Even as I said that, I noticed something I'd almost stepped over.

"Oh look, I found a shoe."

"Okay," Ayeka continued at last. The chagrin in her voice was thick as paste. "You keep managing to comment on things I didn't think you knew. Just what else do you really know?"

"Can't tell you," I commented back. "Classified."

"That's an order," she demanded.

"Nope," I shrugged more for my own benefit. "Too busy looking at the shoe I found."

"Seriously?" she asked. "Is a shoe that interesting?"

Not really, but if you'd just take the hint and stop nagging me about the twenty plus hours of solid information I have on your world... If I told you everything I knew we'd be here all day. I hope I can go home at some point again and grab the rest of my DVDs. She just flat out needs to see for herself.

"Fine," she grumbled after a bit more silence. Somewhere, my brain filed away the tone as 'I'll get my revenge next time I see you'. Goody...

"So you found a shoe," she continued, masking her irritation under That Tone. "Think it belongs to that elf?"

"Yeah," I shook my head and looked in the direction the path continued. "Snagged on a root."

"I thought elves were supposed to be 'at one' with nature or something," the princess queried.

"I thought so too," I replied as I started through the brush, avoiding more Mesquite. "But if so, she's got to be the most un-elfy ELF I've ever heard of."

Maybe it's because she was a rich aristocrat. Probably pampered and spoiled. Never done a hard day's work in her life. That makes enough sense to me. Spoiled little girl in an adult's body. Has no idea what she's doing.

Even more reason to find her and stop her shenanigans. It's just like putting a junior officer in charge of unit navigation. There's a reason that the most dangerous thing in the army is considered a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.

"Now I'm worried," I continued pointedly back at Ayeka. "The more I think about it, the more crazy my imagination's getting."

"Better hurry up then," the princess crackled.

"Oh, easier said than done," I responded, doing my best not to slip on a particularly steep incline. "I'm trying to find an elf in the woods. So far I've found her hat and her shoe. I've found Mesquite the hard way where it probably shouldn't be growing. Knowing my luck lately I'll probably find scorpions and rattlesnakes before I find Ayers. This world is REALLY messed up."

"It can't be that messed up," Ayeka returned.

"Gasoline fruit," I stated matter-of-factly.

"Oh," curt reply.

"Yeah..." I replied. "That pretty much sums it up."

"I never realized..."

"Nobody ever realizes the little things," I continued. I think I was getting close to the top of the hill. "You know? When you read a story, you never think about the things you'd encounter. The dust in a dry field... The number of unseen holes you can roll your foot in."

I broke through the brush into a clearing near the top of the hill.

"The fact that nobody in fantasy settings ever seems to encounter fire ants..."

Last week when I was here, a few bit me before the operation to strip Ayers had begun. It kinda' slipped my mind at the time because I was still kind of in disbelief of the whole situation.

"We're here." I announced, looking around. "Wherever here is."

Note to self: Before it becomes an issue, do NOT get lost. Unlike home, if I get lost here, I will not eventually stumble across a major road just by going one direction. Good thing I think of these kinds of things some time BEFORE I go romping through the woods without so much as a compass...

"See her at all?" Ayeka asked into my ear.

Nobody...

"Not at a glance, no." I replied.

I'm sure this is where she'd be if she was going to be anywhere on this hill. Okay, so she's an un-elfy Elf, but she's STILL an elf. She can probably hide when she wants to. The question is whe-

'Crack!'

"Yi-"

Above dofus!

I glanced up, scanning the trees in the clearing, and found her. Yep, just like the creator's comments in Portal. People just never bothered to look up without some kind of subtle cue. I should really learn to think more in three dimensions.

"Found her," I chirped.

Ayers was, well, clinging to a branch in a tree, glaring down at me.

"Go away!" she snapped irritably. "I'm trying to work."

"Work on what?" I asked, stepping towards the tree she was in. "Breaking your neck?"

As if to emphasize my point, the branch she was trying to move through crackled a little more in warning. Ayers yipped again and quickly went to work shifting her weight to another branch before that one could give way.

"You're going to fall," I pointed out. And I have absolutely no intent of making any attempts to catch her. That would just end with something else of mine broken.

"Am not!" she snapped, quickly scrambling for handholds.

'Crack!'

The branch she was hanging on snapped, causing her to scramble back with a yelp, dropping something I hadn't noticed from this angle. A crossbow...

Oy. What was she planning?

"DAMMIT!" she snapped. I guess she wasn't completely un-elfy. She managed not to come crashing down. Some things must just come naturally. Still...

"I think the tree's winning," I pointed out. "You might want to quit while you're ahead."

Ayers scowled down at me, and then down at her crossbow. Then finally heaved a sigh and started making her way down. As she did so, I noted how much of a mess she'd become. Her dress was ruined. Ripped up and torn in several places from her passage through the woods. She also had several noticeable scratches as well. SOMEBODY found Mesquite too...

"Glad you see it my way," I smiled when she finally reached ground level. Ayers just shot another glare at me while moving to retrieve her crossbow.

"How did you find me?" she began, picking it up and inspecting it.

"Lose this?" I asked, holding her hat up.

Ayers glanced at the hat, then closed her eyes and sighed.

Then after a moment, she turned back to her crossbow, and glared.

"Dammit," she muttered. "I just got this thing armed too."

The elf set about fighting with the weapon. Apparently she'd somehow managed to get it armed before I had arrived. And when she dropped it, it had lost its bolt and dry-fired, losing all the tension on the string. It was interesting to watch her grunt as she tried to re-cock the weapon.

"So what are you doing out here in the woods with a crossbow anyway?" I asked.

"What do you care?" she grunted, almost whining as the weapon refused to cooperate.

"Just wondering..." I lied.

"Hunting!" she snapped.

"Hunting?" I asked. "For what?"

"Those Who Hunt Elves," she snapped again. The string got free of her grip and snapped back, forcing the elf to drop the weapon, swear once, and retrieve it from the ground.

"So you're hunting the infamous elf hunters," I let myself get deadpan and sarcastic.

"Yes."

"With a crossbow..."

"Got a problem with that?" she snarled, working again to pull the string taught.

"Do you even have the slightest clue of what you're up against?" I asked.

"As long as I can catch them by surprise..." she grunted. "Then I'll pay them back for what they did to me!"

"You don't..." I shook my head.

"And you do?" she turned, stopping.

"As a matter of fact," I frowned. "Yes... Yes I do. And all that pathetic little crossbow is going to do is earn you an artillery strike from a Type Seventy Four main battle tank."

"And what pray tell, is an artillery strike?" Ayers asked.

"Boom," I stated, waving my arms to emphasize. "And we bury what's left of you in a hat box."

Ayers glowered at me suspiciously. I probably said too much at this point. But I needed to get it through her head that trying to go up against Those Who Hunt Elves with little more than a bad attitude and a single-shot weapon was just going to end in failure.

"I don't believe you," she stated at last. "You're probably just Judge's lackey come to talk me out of this. Well I'm not falling for it."

Ayers went back to wrestling with her crossbow.

"Stubborn girl," I shook my head. "Reminds me of you Ayeka..."

"I'm not stubborn!" the princess denied through my earpiece.

"WHO'S THERE?" Ayers snapped her humorously uncocked crossbow up at me. She glanced around several times trying to find the source of the voice.

"She can hear you, you know..." I replied to the princess.

"Who are you talking to?" the Elf was looking slightly scared now. Of course, no cell phones in THIS world. No radios, no telephones... Not even a telegraph. I might seem just a bit weird talking into empty space. Well...

"Just talking with someone on my magic far-talking device," I shrugged, and reached up to tap my ear. "Say hello Ayeka..."

"Hello." The princess crackled on the other end.

The elf looked at me quizzically, her head tilting to the side as she tried to make sense of what was going on.

"Are you with the Elf Investigative Comittee?" she asked at last.

"Nope," I shrugged.

"Then how'd you get something like that?" she asked. "How'd you get that... Far... Talker. I can't even buy something like that."

"I've got good connections," I replied. True, in a sense...

"Who do you work for?" she asked.

"Nobody," I stated.

Ayers seemed to mull on that, then lowered her crossbow.

"Good," she began. "You're hired."

Hired?

"Pardon?" I asked.

The elf walked up to me, her near panic having evaporated into a more regal bearing. I'd like to think of it as Snobby Mode.

"You seem to know more about Those Who Hunt Elves than I do," she continued. "So I'm hiring you to help me get my revenge. Just name your price. I'll pay whatever it takes."

Didn't Haruka warn me that one should never let the one being bribed set the price? It's official. Ayers has more money than brains. Of course, that, combined with the way she was trying to present herself despite looking like she just lost a fight with a lawnmower made me almost snort with laughter.

"What do you say?" Ayers continued.

So, the question of the day is: 'Do I take her up on her offer?' A few hours ago I might have been tempted simply for the need of money. But after selling ten thousand USD worth of toilet paper, (I really did snort at that point, earning a look from Ayers) I wasn't so strapped for cash.

Now, I could take her up on this, exploit her for a little more cash, and then turn around and ruin her revenge scheme. But I don't think I've reached the level of depravity where I'd effectively become a double-crossing con artist. One has to set some kind of standard, or risk turning into a Xellos, or a Quattro.

Oh how quickly my mood soured just thinking of that girl. If ever there was an invisible line that said 'DO NOT CROSS', it was the one leading down the path to her.

That settled it without question.

"Sorry," I replied. "I don't do petty revenge."

Ayers' face screwed up to a look of audacity.

"PETTY!" she snapped. "Do you know what those bastards did to me?"

"Yes actually," I kept my voice calm. "Very much so."

"Then you know this is very much NOT petty!" she snapped. "So why won't you help me? I'll pay anything you want!"

Oh let's see...

"Because I'm not crazy enough to think I can beat them," I glared back. "These guys TOOK APART the army of the Dark Elf Gabriella in forty-five SECONDS."

"Wow..." Ayeka muttered on her end.

"It's not all that impressive Ayeka," I muttered. "You could do that in your sleep."

"PLEASE!" Ayers continued.

"No..." I stated in a flat tone.

"FINE!" she snapped. "At least tell me more about them. What they're weaknesses are. Any suggestions! I'll compensate you handsomely just for that!"

Girl's getting desperate here.

"Okay," I began. The elf's face lit up and in an instant, I knew I had her full attention.

"My advice," I continued. "Is to turn around, go home, and pretend none of this ever happened."

Her face fell as quickly as it had perked up. That was not an answer she wanted to hear.

"If it helps, drink until you can't remember up from down."

"That doesn't help me at all!" she snapped. I think if anything, this elf was about to throw a full-scale tantrum.

"Let me make this absolutely clear," I continued. "YOU. CANNOT. WIN. There is nothing I can tell you or do for you. If you keep this up, you're just going to humiliate yourself."

"NO!" she about screamed. "I CAN BEAT THEM! I KNOW I CAN!"

For god's sake! It's like arguing with my niece. Only my niece has the excuse of being a little kid!

"Shut up." I ordered, my tone dropping. "You're just being stupid."

Ayers stopped dead in her rant and looked at me in shock. Yes, 'Tiffany'. I just called you, the incredibly wealthy and powerful aristocrat, 'STUPID'.

"Did you just?" she asked, bewildered. I just glared.

"Why you impertinent little..." she began. Her hand came up, palm open. The elf was actually about to slap me.

I didn't think; I just reacted. Her hand came around to give my face a new red mark, but never made contact before my good hand came up and caught her by the wrist.

I absolutely refuse to be struck by anyone else around here. I've had enough damn fucking pain to last me the rest of my life.

"No." I stated. The tone in my voice made it absolutely clear that this was not an option. Then I calmly started twisting her arm down.

Ayers tried to yank free, and got nowhere. That's when I realized it.

She's weak as a kitten! No wonder she was having trouble with that crossbow. I wasn't even on an amplified strength setting and her struggling hadn't even fazed me. How...

"Is this the best you've got?" I asked. "I'm not even trying. How do you expect to defeat Those Who Hunt Elves? Huh? How do you expect to beat Junpei? The guy punches through walls. How do you expect to beat Ritsuko with a crossbow you have to fight with just to load? She has weapons that can shoot from distant hills. She has a vehicle that can knock down a building in one shot. What about Celcia? She may look like a joke right now but her magic will FUCK YOU UP. What can you do that an entire army couldn't? HUH?"

"LET ME G-OW!" Ayers struggled and I instinctively tightened my grip, causing her to yelp. Careful... I don't want to hurt her. I almost broke my sister's wrist like this one time. I'm trying to keep this girl FROM hurting herself. Not expediting the process. I need to pay attention to how much force I'm using here.

"You're just going to get HURT," I continued, emphasizing the last word with another mild squeeze. Easy...

"I said let-" and Ayers spun and raised her foot to kick me between the legs. I curled instinctively to protect my 'vitals' from the blow, saving me from the end result of being on the ground curled up in a ball.

Okay, that's it.

"You need to calm down," I instructed, and twisted her arm. In just a few moments, despite having only one good hand, I had it tucked around behind her, and locked in an arm bar. That would be easy to curl out of however. And since I couldn't hold her in place, I quickly swept one of my feet under her, and dropped her face first on the ground.

"STOP IT!" she about screamed. "LET ME GO!"

"What are you doing?" Ayeka's voice suddenly crackled at ear-splitting volume.

"I'm not doing anything to her," I replied to the princess. "She's just throwing a shit-fit because I'm not letting her do whatever she wants."

It's like a four-year-old.

"LET ME GOOOOOOOO!" Ayers bellowed.

"That doesn't sound like 'not doing anything' to me!" the princess replied.

"It's only a restraining hold," I argued back. "I'm not hurting her."

I'm trying NOT to hurt her.

"How do I know you're not lying?" Ayeka's glower could be heard in the tone of her voice.

"Because you'd kill me the moment I got back," I replied. "You'd kill me, then Tsunami would resurrect my ass and kill me, followed by Washu... What? You think I'm stupid? I'm not suicidal!"

"AAARGHH! GET OFFA' ME!" Ayers bellowed.

"She doesn't sound happy about it!" the princess chided me. "Let her go."

"No." I stated matter-of-factly.

"EXCUSE ME?" the Princess crackled in self-righteousness.

"I said NO." I replied. "I'm not moving until this Elf's learned her lesson."

We're going to sit here until she calms down. Very simple. She can't throw a tantrum forever.

"Let me go!" Ayers bellowed again, sounding weaker this time. The girl was starting to cry.

Great... If she starts bawling on me I'm going to feel like an ass. It sucks to be an ass, but sometimes you just have to be one. And-

What's hissing?

SOMETHING TO MY-

'WHAM!'

I only just managed to spot movement in the corner of my vision as I turned my head. Then something slammed into my side just above the kidney. It felt like someone had splashed me with a bucket of scalding water and then kicked me. The sudden burning sensation made my vision spin as I tumbled sideways and rolled to a halt. I had to blink away a few black spots in my vision before I could get my bearings.

"GOD!" I snarled though the pain. "FUUUUUUCK!"

"What happened?" Ayeka's voice crackled with worry. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," I grunted, sitting up. "I think... Ow! Dammit..."

Instinctively, as I sat up I reached across with my good arm and patted down the spot I expected to find a nasty burn. But there was no damage to my clothing. After a few seconds, the sensation began to dissipate. What the hell hit me? That felt like napalm, or frying oil, or boiling water! SOMETHING!

"I'm impressed," a new voice began.

I almost swore heartily upon realization as I looked up to see Judge not ten feet away.

"To think you'd all but shrug off a stunning spell like that."

The sensation all but gone now, it was easy to roll and push myself to my feet. Ayers had also managed to crawl to her feet and moved herself to the corner of the clearing, looking a touch scared.

"Stun spell?" I asked. Not a fireball? Not a physical blow? That doesn't make any sense. I'm transparent to magic. That shot should have gone right through me.

Judge just nodded.

"Most people would be out for the rest of the day," he continued. "You're a lot tougher than I thought. I applaud such talent."

Then his eyes narrowed.

"However," he continued. "I did warn you earlier about what would happen if you hurt someone."

Judge shot a glance at Ayers.

"Looks like I showed up just in time too," he continued.

Hurt someone? Just in time? Uh oh. I know how this looks. Ayers, on the ground kicking, screaming, and crying... Her clothes torn. Her face, arms, and legs all scratched up. Me, straddling her... Pinning her down.

Oh FUCK NO!

"You don't seriously think I was trying to-" I began. "No. NO! Do NOT lump me into the same category as that kind of pond scum!"

"Really?" Judge raised an eyebrow. "Well, I suppose her current appearance can be blamed on all the thorny bushes in this area. So I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt there."

Then he raised his hand. And what looked like a miniature aurora shaped like a ball appeared in it.

"But like I said," he continued. "Reckless endangerment gets my heckles raised. And I don't hold back."

Fuuu-

Judge stepped froward like an all-star pitcher and chunked his spell. I managed to twist, but it was a vain attempt to dodge at this range.

It slammed into my shoulder; twisting my body and causing me to stumble as the searing sensation of scalding hot water struck me. Instinctively I wanted to slap the spot to try and make the burning stop, but it went away on its own after only a few seconds.

I swore at the sensation and tried to sidestep the other way as a blow caught me in my bad arm near the elbow.

Nothing was sore, but it was hurting, like surface pain. Like my skin was being lightly slapped over and over again. But it was doing it right through my clothes, and right through Washu's sui-

The Hazard Suit is in sync with my nervous system! It acts like a second skin!

I'm immune to magic, that's why the attacks aren't stunning me outright.

But I'm completely wrapped in an object that is NOT immune to magic! I'm wrapped in a 'magic permeable' touch sensor.

God damned Medium Transfer Principle! I HATE YOU! I traded out my total immunity to magic for added physical protection. If only this suit were made out of matter from home! Then it'd be immune too. But it's from Ayeka's universe, so it's from a realm that has magic interaction.

FUCK! I'm wearing a man-sized resistor!

I managed to successfully duck another shot, trying to backpedal away from the elf investigator. I can't fight back against Judge like this. For starters, I'm down a working hand at the moment. So I can't even get access to Mossy. Using my augmented strength barehanded might just end up with me going head-to-head with one of his golems. On top of that, he can actually hit me with spells, so he's got no disadvantage at range!

SHIT!

What if he decides to use something nastier? Something that uses plain force instead of whatever kind of stunning or paralyzing effect the current spell has. It probably won't kill me, but it'll certainly leave me hurting!

"I don't want to fight you!" I snapped.

"That's too bad," Judge chided, tagging me with another scalding stun spell. "You should have thought about that before you attacked Miss Ayers."

Then he changed stance and summoned up a distinctly more substantial looking attack. I'm no expert in magic. I couldn't tell you what one spell would do from the next against normal targets. But being the strange mix-target that I was. There was absolutely no telling what might happen. Would it just flash over me like the stun spell? Would it ignite the suit which would in turn BURN me? Would it cause spalling somehow?

What would happen? WHAT?

Come on... Don't panic...

I need to get control of this situation... I need-

'POP!'

Judge spun around at the balloon-like sound.

"What in the-"

'CRACK!'

-Help...

The elf investigator went as limp as a wet noodle as his body spun and hit the ground. Behind him, Luna stood, blinking in surprise; her fist still balled up.

"I'll take it," I sighed in relief. "Nice shot Luna."

"Good thing I decided to check on you," the catgirl replied, still looking at her hand. "Wow... That really does work."

I wandered over and crouched down next to Judge's prone form. Still breathing. Still alive... Just out like a light.

"What just happened?" Ayeka demanded.

"Luna just sucker punched the guy attacking me," I commented. "Damn Luna, you dropped him like a bad habit."

"He's still alive right?" the Felis Sapien asked. "I didn't hit too hard did I?"

"No," I replied. "He's just taking a surprise nap."

"Good," she sighed. "I was afraid I overdid it there."

Glancing over to Ayers, who was now quite thoroughly scared, I just shook my head.

"See what I mean?" I asked. "This guy went toe to toe with Those who Hunt Elves before. He had me on the run, and I had you easily restrained."

"What- What are you going to do to me?" she asked.

I sighed. Looks like wrestling with that elf scared her. But better scared of me then charging into a fight half-cocked.

"I'm not going to do anything," I continued. "I'm just showing you how REAL it gets."

Ayers seemed to calm down a little at that. Then after a moment, she frowned, and learned forward where she was sitting, clutching her head in both hands.

"What was I thinking," she choked. "Stupid, stupid, stupid..."

Oh! Finally we agree on something. It takes scaring the shit out of you to make you realize how out-classed you are single handedly. But at least you're not completely bone-headed.

"Go home," I continued. "Go home. Get over it. Move on. It's not worth the effort."

"But," she began. "What they did, it's unforgivable... I can't just let them get away with it!"

"Perhaps I should talk to her," Luna looked at me, raising an eyebrow.

Diplomacy, yeah. Sure. Let the diplomacy expert handle this. I very nearly turned this into a massive fiasco.

"Go right ahead," I motioned. "I'll just be over here sitting on Judge or someth-"

Luna spun her head around, right at the same time Ayers did.

"NO!" the Elf's eyes widened. "It can't be!"

Then came the rustling and the crashing.

"EEEEYEEEAAAAAAHHHH!"

Junpei came ripping through the underbrush like an express train. The Mesquite that had dogged everyone else seeming to present no obstacle to his advance as he jumped straight over it. When he landed, he took a fighting stance, looking ready to destroy anyone who so much as twitched wrong.

"I heard screaming," he announced informatively. "Who's the asshole that would like his bones rearranged first?"

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Ayers screamed in terror, clawing away from the fighter. "GET HIM AWAY FROM ME!"

"What?" Junpei glanced in her direction. Then his eyes went narrow.

"AN ELF!" He crowed. And began to advance. Okay. Watching this on a DVD was funny. But the way it actually looked now... It's not funny. It's not even remotely funny. It's disturbing.

"S-STAY BACK!" Ayers yanked off her remaining shoe and threw it at Junpei. The girl was absolutely terrified.

"DO SOMETHING!" Ayeka suddenly snarled in my ear. "Can't you tell she's scared?"

"Do WHAT?" I asked in reply. "He's about as single minded as Ryoko, and I can't exactly fight a six-foot-something martial-arts champion with one bad hand."

That's when Luna stepped in and grabbed Junpei's arm with a shout of 'Wait!'

Junpei reflexively twisted and somehow managed to end up holding Luna upside down by the foot in a second. When he stopped to examine her, he blinked.

"Kitty?" he asked.

"Hi," Luna commented in a slightly annoyed tone. "Mind putting me back down?"

"Oh, sorry," Junpei replied sheepishly and let go. Luna managed to land in a crouch before standing up again.

"Okay," Junpei looked around one more time. "What's going on? What's with the Elf?"

"She was out to get you," Luna admonished. "We were trying to stop her."

"She's that rich elf you went after last week," I supplied. "Her name is Ayers."

"Ayers, huh?" Junpei turned back to the elf. Tiffany just cringed more.

"Relax..." the fighter chided. "We checked you for spell fragments already."

"Wh-" the elf began. "What?"

"I said we already checked you for spell fragments," Junpei stated. "If you don't have any spell fragments, I don't need to strip you. So stop whining like I'm the big bad wolf. I already met the guy, and he's kind of pathetic."

And I thought I was coarse with words.

"I don't have time for your whiny vengeance nonsense," he continued. "You're naked. Big deal! Chasing after us like this is just plain stupid. And a good way to get lost and eaten by tigers. Or raped by bandits. Are you TRYING to get hurt?"

"What's wrong with him?" Ayeka crackled in my ear. "Does he not understand her feelings?"

Feelings? Oh don't get me started on that quote...

Ayers just sat there, looking emotionally and physically defeated. After being told off by just about everyone today, it seemed to finally be sinking through.

"Stupid elf," Junpei muttered under his breath, turning away.

Then he got a glance at Judge lying prone nearby.

"WHOA!" he exclaimed. "Who managed this one?"

"That would be Luna's handiwork," I replied as Junpei walked over.

"Not bad for an amateur," the fighter appraised the Elf Investigator's unconscious form. "Blow to the jaw- how'd you get THAT close? This guy's no slouch."

"I'm a cat," Luna crossed her arms. "I'm good at sneaking up on things."

"No kidding," Junpei nodded.

Then he stood up and walked back over to me.

"You're right about teaching her how to fight," the fighter grinned. "If she can take HIM down with only a few hours practice, imagine how good she'll be as a master."

I half expected Junpei to add 'Not as good as me of course', but the egocentrism never came.

"Come on," he continued. "Let's get back. Ritsuko was getting a little worried when you didn't return from lunch on time."

Somehow, the way he said that made me think it wasn't really the case.

"And bring her too," he continued, pointing at Ayers. "I'll never hear the end of it from Celcia if we just leave her out here."

"Luna," I nodded at the catgirl. Luna just nodded in understanding and went over to help the Elf up.

Junpei, in the mean time, started back the way he came, plowing into the underbrush again like it was challenging him to a fight.

"Hey," I called, then pointed at Judge's prone form. "What about him?"

Junpei stopped, turned around, and scowled.

"I don't care," he shrugged. "Leave him. He'll wake up in a little bit."

"Okay..." I shrugged back. Honestly, I felt the same way. Judge had a habit of rubbing me the wrong way by being an arrogant ass-hat. And he wasn't exactly helpless on his own anyway. Let him lie.

Waiting for Luna to come by with Ayers, who seemed a little reluctant to follow Junpei, I fell in behind them.

"Hey Ayeka," I commented as a thought hit me.

"What?" she asked.

"Well," I began. "An FYI... This is the kind of crap I've had to put up with, every day for the last week. So don't take it the wrong way if I get a little high strung. Because this is not easy."

"You really did have a bad week," she replied. "Didn't you?"

I sighed, giving a long pause. I still had to go get Senbei from the roadside.

"Yeah," I finished at last. "Sucks to be me."


	16. Freelance Financial Solutions

* * *

**Chapter sixteen: Freelance Financial Solutions**

_"I'm crazy enough to take on Batman. But the IRS? Nohohoho THANK YOU!"_

_\- The Joker_

* * *

 

"Hit me..."

'THWACK!'

"Again..."

'THWACK!'

"Again!"

'THWACK!'

"One more time..."

Don't ask me how I manage to do it, but I do. Place me in a group of people and I'll find the center. Not the center of attention, but the center of rotation. The eye of the storm, if you will. With all the activity going on, with me all but quiet for the most of it, I was able to observe everything going on while continuing my now rather long conversation with Ayeka in a more subtle tone.

When we got back, things had pretty much broken into groups. Ayers of course, ended up in a serious conversation with Airi and Celcia, learning about just what Those Who Hunt Elves were really doing.

Junpei and Luna, of course, resumed practicing. The feline, after witnessing just what she could do, was now determined to milk Junpei's teaching for everything it was worth. More power to her.

Ritsuko had kind of gravitated toward the serous discussion before long, while Senbei had turned into Luna's personal cheering section for the latter. Celcia had eyed him nervously upon his return, but he refused to cloak around her any more on the grounds that he was tired of it. After half an hour of nothing but goofy conjecture from the demon god, I think she finally started to understand, and just dismissed him.

So while the groups did their thing. I found myself sitting right in the middle, leaning against one of Mike's treads, continuing my now extended conversation with Ayeka.

"So that's what Those Who Hunt Elves is about," she replied with a crackle. "That sure sounds like a funny plot."

"Well I like funny things," I commented idly at the princess. "At least I'm not into gore fests or something like some kind of psychopath. Hell. It's a good thing I'm more nice than aggressive. If I had attacked instead of run for my life that first time last week, there's no telling how nasty you would have been."

"Honestly," Ayeka came back. "I was about to... What was the word you used?"

"Barbecue," I provided the term in English.

"Yes," she agreed. "I was about to 'barbecue' you as you put it. You scared the daylights out of me."

"YOU were scared?" I chuckled. "When you started to draw power or however that works, I felt all the hair on my body stand on end. I've never been struck by lightning, but that HAS to be what it feels like to come close. It's crazy to suddenly have your universe flipped on its head. It's even crazier to have your entertainment turn out to be real... And trying to kill you."

"It's a bit strange to find out my life is entertainment," Ayeka responded. There was a brief pause at that moment. To tell the truth it was a bit awkward. It was as if something was still missing. Something that had made the entire exchange we just had feel a bit forced. Even after talking to her for over an hour, it just seemed like there was something I had to... Of course.

"I'm sorry," I continued.

"What?" the princess asked.

"I'm sorry," I repeated. "I'm sorry that what I know is more about you than I should know. I'm sorry if it seems like I've violated your life just by existing. I'm sorry that I decided you were one of my favorite characters: My favorite source of entertainment. And I'm certainly sorry that it resulted in placing you in such an awkward situation. I would have avoided it if I could have. If I had even known it was going to happen. I would have-"

"Don't," Ayeka interrupted me. It was a good thing too. Once I decide to get something off my chest, I tend to babble on. Like some kind of self-imposed need to explain my every thought to people so they know WHY I think the way I do.

"Don't..." she continued. "Don't think for a second that you have to apologize for your own tastes in fictional material. Considering some of the stuff I've found and read, I'm just as guilty as you are. We all are. I'm not going to label you a pervert or a stalker because of that."

"No," I shrugged. "I get that label from teleporting into your bed. It's kind of scary what might happen if your mother finds out. Or worse, your father..."

Then I paused. That thought went right to a very scary conclusion.

"Actually... Your father is absolutely NOT to find out," I stated pointedly.

"Wha- Oh..." Ayeka crackled. "Oh my... You're right. If father finds out, he won't care if it's not your fault."

"He'll kill me," I completed the princess' thoughts. "No questions asked. Fathers are like that."

"I don't think he'd go quite that far," Ayeka responded.

"I don't feel like risking it," I countered. "I'd rather not make your father an enemy. So the less he knows the better. As they say: 'What he doesn't know, won't hurt ME.' Or something like that."

"Okay," Ayeka crackled. "Okay, I understand. So tell me, what about these other worlds?"

"Well, last we spoke on the beacon-"

I paused and dug in my pocket for my beacon pen. Can't forget to do this now can I?

"Sorry," I replied, standing up. "Last you were talking to me, I was in the Sailor Moon world. The DVD I brought with me was pretty much what that world was like... But less animated, more REAL."

Oh so very real...

"That's actually my next stop," I continued. "Assuming nothing weird changes things... Knock on wood."

Too bad I don't have wood to knock on.

I looked around trying to think of a good place to stick the latest beacon. But considering Ritsuko slept in a sleeping bag, there would be no perfect place. Where am I going to put this thing?

"At least you beat that monster," Ayeka continued. "If you can beat the monsters in that universe, you should be okay."

"Oh it gets BETTER," I replied, then turned to look at Mike. "I accidentally got one of their magic crystals lost in another universe. Now unless I get it back, an entire PLANET is going to die."

"WHAT?" The princess asked in a shocked tone. "That will seriously mess up that timeline. Does Washu know about this?"

"Yes she does," I replied curtly. "And she told me in no uncertain terms to do whatever I deem necessary, timeline be damned."

"Well," Ayeka began again. "What are you going to do?"

"I dunno," I shrugged. "I can't do anything until I get there. But for the time being, I'm just going to have to wing it. Try and get that crystal back and get the timeline back on rails the best I can. If I can do that much, then they SHOULD be able to spin a positive outcome out of my interference."

"And if they can't?" the princess asked.

I shook my head at myself, half ignoring the princess. I'm going to have to drop this beacon inside Mike. There's no other place I can think of.

"Hello?" Ayeka asked.

"I don't know," I admitted. "Nuke the site from orbit?"

"What kind of solution is THAT?"

"The flashy kind?" I asked innocently. Then I turned and grabbed one of the hand bars near Mike's tread and yanked myself up. After a moment I paused and dropped back down. Okay. This isn't going to work.

"Flashy?"

"Whe' ih do," I began, gripping the dial for my suit in my teeth. I couldn't grip the dial with my wrapped hand. "Bo id da ell!"

'click'

Two X strength.

"What?"

HEFT! I grabbed with handle again and easily leveraged myself up. Now THIS is going to work.

"I said," I continued as I carefully swung to stay balanced while I grabbed the next handhold. "When in doubt, blow it to hell."

I'm not too fond of climbing one-handed. I don't feel balanced.

"I don't follow," the princess responded.

"Sure you do," I commented as I hauled myself up to the next point. Rule of climbing is three points of contact at all times. Unfortunately, I am blatantly violating that rule with one lame hand. "When you first found where Ryoko was, you decided firing a warning shot at the ground was a good idea in the middle of a city."

Then I paused in mid climb and furrowed my brow.

"What was with that anyway?"

"Uh... oh... Come on," Ayeka faked a laugh. "It wasn't that bad."

"You blew out the windows of Tenchi's house at the time," I continued. "Considering the wide angle shot of that sequence really played up the shock wave, you must have blown out, what? Every window in a half-mile radius?"

"Okay!" Ayeka snapped back. "I wasn't thinking clearly. I had just come out of stasis and I couldn't find my brother! All I found was Ryoko. I was angry."

"Whoa," I managed to haul myself up onto Mike's turret. "Calm down okay? I'm not criticizing you. I'm just saying..."

"Are you saying I have no restraint?" the princess snapped back.

"What did I say?" I asked pointedly.

"What are you trying to insinu-"

"WHAT did I say?" I asked again. Sheesh, I'm glad I'm safely a universe away at the moment.

There was a long pause before Ayeka took an audible deep breath.

"You said I know where you're coming from," she continued calmly. "So what do you mean? If they can't fix things if you get the crystal back, you're going to blow their enemy up or something?"

"When in doubt, blow it to hell," I restated. "These are just the kind of villains that such a philosophy would work on. Textbook Evil."

"And how do you propose to do that?" Ayeka asked. "You think I'm going to let you borrow Ryu-Oh or something?"

"No," I shrugged. "That would be stupid because I know that Ryu-Oh is not fully operational yet. Though, you think if I bribe Ryo-Ohki with carrots and ask Washu nicely enough, I can drag her with me?"

"Would that be fair?"

"Perfectly," I replied in a chirpy voice. "Fair to me."

"Eh..." the princess began, but halted.

She don't know me very well, do she?

Now that I was perched atop Mike, I carefully hauled the hatch open. Now, where would I put that beacon? Some place where it would be left alone. Maybe that ammo compartment that had all the shotgun rounds. Plus I could pick up some more regular buckshot rounds while I'm at it.

The way I see it, no need to waste Washu's high power rounds where the regular rounds will do the job. Maybe grab some new grenades while I'm at it. The more choices of ammo, the more options I had. And I like options.

"Look," I continued. "If I'm going to even THINK about going head to head with Beryl, or Metallia, or any of those villains, I'm going to do more than just zap them in the name of love and justice and all that sentimental power of friendship crap. I'm going to get my hands on as much firepower as I can dig up, and I'm going to do my best to glass the place."

"What do you mean, GLASS" Ayeka asked. "What does that have to do with Ryo-Ohki and attacking them with all the firepower you can muster?"

You've GOT to be kidding me. Seriously?

"Ayeka," I paused, placing my good hand to press the crab-tooth firmly into my ear. "You don't know what GLASSING means?"

"I've never heard the term before," the princess responded. "Is it some kind of special military action?"

Is it some kind of-?

"Ayeka," I asked. "Do you know how to make glass?"

"I was never taught to do so," the princess responded. "But you just make it by melting sand and then cooling it qui-."

There was a pause.

"Wait a second," she continued. "You're referring to surface bombardment!"

"Until the surface melts and solidifies into glass," I emphasized. "Until the crust is melted, and the possibility that anything is still alive in the target area is a triple digit value with the decimal point ten spaces to the left."

"Does overkill mean anything to you?"

Actually, considering Metallia's rather metaphysical nature, I'm thinking just glassing the place wouldn't be enough. And if you consider the enemies the Senshi will have to deal with later on in their timeline, Metallia's the weakest. I can't even begin to think about how I would deal with Galaxia. She's a certified planet killer. What makes it worse is that she wasn't defeated by force, but by compassion driving out the chaos infestation. That whole universe is balanced on a knife-edge. If one thing goes wrong, the whole house of cards comes tumbling down.

I paused as I slapped my pockets for that beacon pen...

Galaxia is Chaos Corrupted. How funny... With me referring to Tenchi as the God Emperor, and all the other silly Forty-K references I've come up with, it was only a matter of time. What's that make me? I'm hunting down and destroying this corruption. So am I the Inquisition? I couldn't help but laugh a little.

"What's so funny?" Ayeka asked.

"Oh, nothing." I responded. "I'm just drawing parallels to other bits of fiction I know about."

Me and my morbid sense of humor...

I slapped my pockets again and stopped laughing. Where's that pen? I just- Where the hell did it go?

I reached into the pocket I had stuffed the beacon pen into, and pulled it up empty. The GMP3K was missing too. I just had those damn things! For crying out loud, where-

I looked back over the side of the tank. Sure enough, on the ground below, the two items in question were just lying in the sun, having fallen out of my pocket while I was climbing.

"Oh god dammit," I grumbled, earning a query from the princess. I just managed to scramble my way up the side of this tank, now I've got to scramble my way back down then up again? You've got to be kidding me.

"Why?" I asked the air as I leaned back to rest against the turret.

"Why what?" Ayeka asked.

"Why is it always the little things?" I asked her. I had a hard enough time climbing up here. I don't feel like trying to break my neck twice.

"Hey Ritsuko!" I called down.

The schoolgirl turned her head curiously from the conversation she'd been participating in. This prompted the other three ladies to look over.

"What's up?" she asked.

"Could you grab that pen on the ground and toss it up to me?" I asked. "I kind of don't want to climb all the way back down just to pick it up."

Ritsuko looked over where I indicated, then pulled herself to her feet and wandered over.

"What'cha doing?" she asked. "Making a checklist?"

"It's a beacon from Washu," I informed her. "I have to drop one everywhere I go so she can study my jumps. If we're lucky, she'll find a way to either halt, or at least control my jumps."

"Oh," she nodded in understanding.

"A beacon?" Ayers asked. "From a pen? I thought you needed large torches for beacons."

"Other-worlders have all kinds of interesting devices." Celcia commented.

Ritsuko walked over and picked up Washu's beacon pen, then tossed it up to me, where I barely managed to snatch it out of the air after missing the first grab and bouncing it off my hand.

"Gotcha!" I grinned triumphantly.

"Nice catch," the schoolgirl smirked.

"Okay," Ayers commented back to Airi, spinning around. "If he's not with you, what's his story?"

"Even more strange, if you could think it were possible," Ritsuko replied, spinning around with the GMP3K in hand.

"I'm all ears," the elf responded pointedly, looking up at me. I just shrugged.

"Back in a sec," I commented, then carefully dropped myself into the turret. Once down there, it was easy to find that storage compartment full of shotgun shells again.

"I wonder how she's going to take it," Ayeka commented as I deployed one of Washu's beacons into the corner of the compartment. It looked so much like a loose pellet.

"Who, Ayers?" I asked. "I dunn-"

"ENTERTAINMENT?"

"Correction," I continued. "I think I'll stay here for a moment. She's a bit hot under the collar, or so I've noticed."

After a moment, I noticed there was no response.

"Ayeka?" I asked.

Then I pressed the earpiece against my head a little harder, trying to hear anything. There was still that soft background hiss that had been there the whole time, so I knew it was still connected. And, after a moment voices...

"I said you only needed to check that he's doing what I told him."

"I haven't been talking to him THAT long."

Oh, Washu's back.

"I left and came back and you're still talking. I've been gone for the better part of four hours. I doubt he's gotten anything done talking to you."

"But-"

"No buts. I'm a professor, I know how studying works."

"Washu," I began. But obviously she wasn't close enough to hear.

"Now run along. I can't have you distracting him all day."

There was silence, and then shuffling followed by a click.

"Okay!" Washu's voice came in much more clearly. Well, about as clear as this thing ever gets. "I'm back. Miss me?"

"So where did you run off to?" I asked.

"Had to make a run to the Academy," Washu crackled. "Nice to see that Ayeka's wasting your time so wisely."

"Cheh," I scoffed. "She really didn't interrupt anything."

"You're supposed to be studying that manual," Washu chided. "I told you."

"I was busy earning some money," I replied. "Being broke kind of sucks."

Washu sighed.

"I guess that makes sense," she continued. "We can't survive on well-wishes and happy thoughts now can we?"

"I can't at least," I replied. "I picked up a decent amount of gold coins here. I can trade them out in the next world for some serious cash. That'll solve my money problems at least in the short term."

"Smart move!" Washu chirped. "Just be careful about the value of what you start trading. Economies can be finicky little suckers, and if you toss something of too great a value in, it could result in a temporary collapse."

"It's only gold," I shrugged. "Next world's going to land me in what is effectively Tokyo."

"I'm just warning you," Washu provided. "What you're doing is very similar to interplanetary trade. I've seen what a simple technology trade can do to a primitive world. It's not pretty."

"Part of the reason Jurai and everyone else tries to keep Earth in the dark I take it?"

"More or less," Washu quipped. "So, you said was. What are you doing now?"

"Planting your beacon," I stated honestly. I know a leading question when I hear it.

"Oh!" Washu crackled. "Very good. I got some interesting data concerning your last jump, and I'm continuing to monitor things from there. Be sure and get a good spot for this beacon."

"I've got about as good as you're going to get," I replied. "Kind of a pain to haul my ass up on this tank one-handed too."

"You've still got your hand wrapped up?" Washu asked.

"Yeah," I replied. "I don't know when I should unwrap it. And I wanted to make sure I didn't unwrap it early."

"Does it hurt anymore?" she asked. "Is it warm?"

Hmm...

"Not really," I commented at length. "The pain stopped about an hour ago, and as far as I can tell, it's not warm."

"Go ahead and unwrap it and test your fingers," Washu instructed. "If you can make a fist without it hurting, then you're good to go."

I did as instructed. It took a minute of fighting with my hand, but I managed to loosen the wrap and remove the makeshift splint Kitsune had made. After a few seconds flexing, I opened and closed my hand several times before balling it into a tight fist.

"Oh, SO much better," I grinned. It was a little stiff, but I could clearly tell that all my digits worked just fine, and they bent nicely without the slightest sign of pain.

"Good," Washu commented into my ear.

"I wish I had known about this five minutes ago," I continued. "Would have saved me the trouble of climbing on this tank like I did."

"Heh," Washu laughed. "Sorry I can't read your mind-"

"HAH!" I accidentally commented aloud.

"You told me to stop," she continued.

"Never stopped you before," I rolled my eyes.

"Hey!" Washu cut in. "Now at least you can put that glove on."

Nice way to change the topic.

"True," I pointed out. "Now if only that magic part of that glove actually worked like it did in Jail's base. I'd be all set."

"But it doesn't," Washu pointed out. "So remember. It's to protect your hand if you need to go and punch someone again."

"That reminds me," I continued. "I got hit with a magic attack a little while ago."

"You forgot about Medium Transfer Principle," she asked. "Didn't you?"

"More like I never had a chance to think about it," I replied, propping my feet up across the inside of the turret. "I got blind sided."

"Ouch," came the response. "Normally that wouldn't have bothered you. But I take it you quickly became aware that the suit isn't as transparent as you are."

"Painfully aware," I replied. "The guy used some kind of 'stun' spell on me. It felt like boiling water."

"Stun spell..." Washu pondered. "Brief flash of intense pain?"

"Like boiling water, or hot grease," I replied. "How's that work?"

"From the description," Washu replied. "A stun spell like the one that hit you would work by saturating the central nervous system. Or in easier terms, overload you with pain response by causing all the pain receptors in the body to fire at once. It doesn't actually do any physical damage, but it's almost always a guaranteed knockout on a direct hit. People who are conditioned for extreme pain are some of the few who can stand up to that kind of attack."

Well, that's simple enough. Use magic to trigger pain from every nerve in the body. It would be like being lit on fire, only all at once. The person being hit passes out in shock. And even if they don't, they're still dropped like a sack of potatoes.

"Since you're transparent to magic," Washu continued into my thoughts. "The only thing that the spell could hit was the suit. The suit's got tactile sensors that simulate skin. The burning sensation would have been the spell setting those off. The sensation was real. That's what that spell actually FEELS like. But since only the surface could interact with the magic, it didn't get to saturate all the other nerves in your body."

"So a stun spell feels like someone dunked your body in boiling water," I blinked. Then scowled. I can imagine what the surface sensations of being boiled alive would feel like. But to go one step further and saturate every nerve in the body with the sensation of boiling?

No wonder Judge was impressed. He thought I shrugged that kind of magic right off.

"So what happens if something nastier hits?" I asked.

"I would suggest against letting that happen," Washu commented. "The suit interacts with magic just fine. So if someone starts chucking magic that causes things to explode..."

I get the picture.

"MREOW!" Mike boomed around me. Then there was come clanging and clattering on the outside quickly scrambling up to the turret.

"Hey!" Ayers' head appeared in the hatch opening above. She was gasping. "Get out here! We need to talk."

"Sounds like you have work to do," Washu cut in. "I won't be like Ayeka and stick on the line. So I'm out."

"Later," I commented. Washu replied in kind, then clicked off.

"Come on..." Ayers stated impatiently. "This is important."

"What's up?" I asked, flexing my hand in preparation to climb out of this steel box.

"Hurry up," she snapped, and dropped out of sight.

"Mreow..."

"You said it Mike," I replied.

Now with my hand free, it was a few orders of magnitude easier to climb out of the tank. It took me only a fraction of the time my previous climb had taken. It was only a day. But DAMN I missed having both hands.

When I managed to scramble down off the possessed vehicle, Ayers was there, glaring at me. Not angrily, but like she had something important to say.

"I want to ask you something," she stated. "And I want the truth."

Okay... What's she want to know?

"Last week," she continued. "You were here?"

I nodded.

"Okay," she suddenly bit into part of her torn sleeve. "So, while they were busy making a mockery out of me what were YOU doing?"

"Me?" I asked. "I was acting as a spotter for Ritsuko."

I indicated the schoolgirl. Ayers immediately started pacing back and forth.

"Did you direct that... That tank?" she asked. "Were you the one that told it to shoot?"

I used a laser target designator to have Mike put rounds specifically where they wouldn't hurt anyone. I remember that clearly. Especially because I about blew out my ear drums doing so.

"Yes," I nodded. "Suppressive fire."

"Great!" Ayers, snapped, then really started chewing on her sleeve. "Just great!"

As I watched, the Elf started pacing more frantically. It was enough to catch Luna's attention. Only for Junpei to snap at her to focus on what she was doing, not what other people was doing.

"What's with her?" I turned, asking Airi.

"I'm not sure," the actress responded. "We were talking how you helped when she suddenly jumped up to talk to you."

Then the actress looked down and let off a slight smile.

"I see your hand is better though."

"Yeah," I smiled, lifting my hand up. "It's good to be back to one-hundred percent."

"Let me get this absolutely clear," Ayers suddenly turned, and grabbed me by the shoulder. "You didn't suggest it to them. You specifically did it?"

Uh... Yeah.

I nodded.

"I aimed the laser sight at an empty area and told Mike to fire," I added. "I should have run it by Ritsuko because the muzzle blast nearly drove us deaf."

"OHHHHH..." the Elf's eyes teared up and she turned away as if about to cry. "This is bad. So very bad."

"What's so bad?" Celcia asked. "What's so bad that he was involved?"

"Celcia you didn't know?" Ayers turned to the panda, tears in her eyes. "Claims to the Those Who Hunt Elves recovery fund are rejected if the damages claimed are not caused expressly by you guys."

"Rejected?" Ritsuko asked. "Over something as little as that?"

"You have no idea how many people try to claim on Those Who Hunt Funds for every little thing," Ayers shot back. "A trio of thugs comes to town, and everyone thinks its Those Who Hunt elves. So the Elf Investigative Committee looks for any way to get out of any payment situation. And considering how much money I lost... They'll be examining every last detail."

You've got to be kidding me. The EIC sounds about as anal as the IRS.

"So what's the problem?" I asked. "Just tell them Ritsuko ordered the shot. It's not like anyone can prove otherwise. Nobody here even knows I exist. Let alone that I've been hanging around Those Who Hunt Elves."

Ritsuko even nodded with me in agreement there.

I haven't seen Ayers move as quickly as she did to grab my shirt.

"You don't understand!" she snapped. "The Elf Investigative Committee are good at this kind of thing; VERY good at this kind of thing. They have psychological profiles on people. They know what people are likely to do in a situation. They'll figure out that there was an extra person just by looking at the grass. They have profiles well enough to know that Ritsuko wouldn't be so careless as to stand in front of the tank and fire like you did. They'll know she didn't do it! My claim will be disqualified on those grounds and I won't see a single gold piece!"

"Seriously?" I turned to Airi, who shrugged.

"Well," Ritsuko chimed in. "That Judge guy did say they already knew how many spell fragments were left after the second time it split. So there has to be some truth."

Sheesh... What are these guys, CSI Miami?

"Aren't you rich enough that it shouldn't be a big loss though?" I asked. "You own all that land-"

"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH IT COSTS TO HIRE MERCENARIES?" she screamed at the top of her lungs. "Most people wouldn't hire more than three to five! I hired FIFTY!"

I shot a look at Ritsuko and clicked my tongue. Ritsuko snorted in response.

"And not just that!" Ayers continued. "They knew they would be dealing with Those Who Hunt Elves so they demanded ten times the normal payment!"

"You paid-" I stopped and dropped to the ground, poking the soil with my finger and drawing numbers in the dirt.

Fifty divided by five is ten. So she hired ten times the normal number of mercenaries. And she paid them ten times what they would normally get-

"You paid a hundred times what is normal for mercenaries?" I asked, mouth gaping as I stood back up. Okay, I'm no expert on how much cash is what around here, or how much Mercenaries go for. But a ten thousand percent increase is ten thousand percent.

"Ouch," Ritsuko made a face. "That's a lot of wasted money."

"That's only the beginning!" Ayers spat. Then raised her hand and started counting off. "There's also landscaping, carpentry, masonry, gardening, damage to antiques, medical liability from injuries during the panic, and the fields..."

Ayers fell to her knees.

"Oh GOD the fields," she whimpered. "They all BURNED! I was planning to make back on the money I spent using the income I made off the fields. I had rent fees, crop futures. ALL UP IN SMOKE!"

"I'm sorry," Celcia looked down. "The fields were my fault."

"That's not the point," Ayers shook her head. "I could have recovered my losses on that through the Fund. But now they're going to reject it. And I'm left to eat the losses. I may be wealthy, but I'm not THAT wealthy. A lot of what I make isn't actually held in cash. It's tied up in my investments for that town. For my property! Without the return from the fields and the properties, I only have just enough to pay the mercenaries. After that I'm pretty much bankrupt! I'll have to sell everything..."

Then she shuddered.

"Or worse," she whimpered. "I'll have to ask daddy for some money."

"Okay," I glanced at Airi. I'm not a Wall Street Investor but even I know...

"That's BAD."

"I don't want to ask daddy for money," Ayers whined. "I told him I could make it on my own without him. If I come crawling back to him now he'll never let me live it down!"

"All this because the Elf Investigative Committee are going to nit-pick your claims simply because I happened to be the one to tell the tank to open fire?" I asked. "Even when most of the damage done WAS direct action of Those Who Hunt Elves?"

I quickly snapped a 'no offense' look at Airi. She just shrugged.

"YES!" Ayers sobbed.

"Assholes," I shook my head. Then I turned to Ritsuko.

"How many rolls of toilet paper do we have left?"

"Cheh," the schoolgirl rolled her eyes. "I have tissues for that kind of-"

Then she stopped.

"Oh... You want to give her some rolls to sell."

I nodded.

"We made what," I asked. "Two hundred gold coins? Three-hundred? A few rolls should get her out of this hole lickety split."

"HAH!" the elf laughed, then stopped.

"What?" I asked.

"Pocket money," Ayers leaned forward to clasp her knees. "That won't nearly cover what you owe me."

A few rolls of toilet paper at how much they cost won't cover how much I ow- Wait a minute.

"Owe you?" I asked. "I, me, specifically?"

"Yes," Ayers turned to me, her crying having stopped, only to be replaced by a sad look. "I really hate to say this to you after all the effort you've put in to trying to be nice and help me out. But by my calculations, you owe me three thousand, eight hundred gold pieces."

Celcia made a sharp hiss as she tried to cover up an intake of breath.

"Wait," Ritsuko cut in at my defense. "How do you figure HE owes you that much? At most he's only responsible for some minor property damage. If anything, we owe you for this mess more than he does."

"Simple," Ayers shrugged. "I can't hold you guys responsible because Judge told me himself that the Elf Investigative Committee can't touch you due to some kind of binding legal agreement. He however,"

Ayers pointed at me.

"Is not part of your group, and it is his action that makes me ineligible for recovering what I lost in our little skirmish."

Then she laughed unsteadily.

"Thus, by a fluke of nature, he is responsible for the loss of investment values of what is actually six thousand gold pieces."

"I thought you said," I began.

"That was the projected profits on the field," Ayers cut in. "I cannot and will not hold you responsible for losses I hadn't even seen a return on yet."

Ayers then looked me dead in the eye.

"But I will hold you responsible for losses spent."

"You're shitting me," I gaped.

"I am not," Ayers paused, looking at me confused. "Shitting, you."

Three-thousand-eight hundred... And six thousand, gold pieces? How much is that? How much...

"SENBEI!" I snapped, turning around. The demon god looked up from where Luna and Junpei were still engaged in practice, oblivious to the conversation at hand.

"Need you," I finished, indicating our group.

'POP!'

The little demon god teleported over, startling Ayers, and making Celcia raise her guard again.

"At your service!" he grinned with a flamboyant bow.

"Skip the theatrics," I indicated. "I need-"

"HIM!" Ayers gasped. "He's that evil force I was sensing earlier!"

"He gets that a lot," I shrugged and then added before she could make any more statements. "He's a demon, get over it."

"You have a DEMON working for you," the elf gaped. "What kind of other-worlder are you?"

"The well traveled kind," I continued, holding my hand up to silence any more comments.

"Senbei," I continued. "Three thousand, eight hundred gold pieces. What's the value?"

The little demon god tapped his chin for a second, glancing at me like I had lost my mind, then shrugged.

"Eighty-two million, one hundred sixty thousand yen," he replied. Ritsuko went deathly white. That number was sufficiently huge to make my blood run cold.

"In dollars please," I snapped. "I'm not good with large conversions."

"About six-hundred and thirty thousand dollars," the demon god replied. "Roughly. Depends on exchange rate."

I think my brain came to a halt.

Six hundred and... Six hundred...

SIX HUNDRED AND THIRTY THOUSAND US DOLLARS? MY GOD!

I'm not even ASKING how much the six thousand gold coin value was. I expect that would be in the million range.

"That's INSANE!" I snapped. "Are you absolutely certain you can't do anything to recoup losses like that? I don't even make that much money in a YEAR. Actually, I haven't even made that much money EVER."

Ayers shrugged.

"From what they're telling me," she continued. "It's not like I can just force you to pay. And I don't have any more capital. So..."

The elf tuckered her head down on her knees, a tear coming down her cheek.

"Fuck," I muttered, dropping down on the ground next to her. "If it isn't one thing, it's another."

"This is a problem," Ritsuko turned to Airi. As she did so, she absentmindedly flicked my leatherman in her hand, flicking it open, then spinning it to grab it in its pliers mode. Much the same way you would do with a butterfly knife. Then she spun it again and flicked it shut.

I could sell that, but a leatherman wouldn't get jack squat around here, I'm sure.

"I agree," the actress continued. "She may be holding him financially responsible, but it's still our problem.

"Its not like I can just magic up that kind of money," Celcia commented. "I may be the Elder of common elves, but I don't personally own those kind of assets."

We sat there in silence for a second before Junpei and Luna concluded a frantic series of exchanges and wandered over. Junpei looked no worse for wear. Luna looked about ready to collapse.

"Not bad kitty!" the fighter slapped her on the back. "You're catching on to the basics pretty fast. You'll need to work on your stamina though. All those little breaks really cut into practice."

Luna just smiled wearily and wobbled over to where I was sitting, then collapsed to her knees.

"I don't know how he does it," she huffed.

"Humans are built for long term endurance," I advised the advisor. "You're not."

"I'll say," Luna huffed. Then tilted sideways to lean against me. "I feel like I could sleep for a week."

Oh, trust me Luna, I know the feeling. Tell the truth, I've been kind of worn out all day. And just thinking about it makes me-

I yawned in reaction to Luna yawning. It'll be time for sleep soon. Time to leave.

"What is she," Ayers commented from behind her knees. "Your girlfriend or something?"

"Who Luna?" I asked. I guess it looks that way with her learning on my shoulder like a pillow. But that's okay. Kitty needs her nap.

"Nah," I waved it away. "Just a traveling companion of sorts."

Then I looked at the mane of purple hair currently using my shoulder.

"Hey Luna," I began.

"Mff," she mumbled, her eyes flicking over at me groggily.

"Conserve energy," I advised.

"Oh," she sat up. "Right..."

Then after a moment, there was a loud pop that made me wince and stick my finger in my ear, and Luna was once again just a cat.

Ayers blinked.

"She's a cat?"

"Very much so," I replied, picking the feline up off the ground and tucking her into my arms. I just can't resist holding a cat sometimes.

Luna responded by relaxing and purring.

I should ask her what purring's about.

"Hey!" Junpei snapped. "Why all the long faces?"

"You wouldn't understand," Celcia replied. "You'd just get it mixed up."

"Mixed up?" Junpei snapped.

Ritsuko flicked my leatherman open and twirled it in her grip, then pointed the needle-nose pliers at Junpei.

"It's way too complicated," she agreed with Celcia. "Unless you happen to also be an expert in investing."

"Oh," Junpei shot back. "And you are?"

Ritsuko just sighed.

"No."

That remark made Junpei pause. Normally an argument like that would just escalate. Ritsuko just spun my leatherman shut again.

"Hey," I got the schoolgirl's attention. "Do that again."

"What?" Ritsuko asked. "Your tool?"

She flicked it open, and spun it around in her grip.

"It took me all day to get that down," she commented.

"Here," I reached out with my free hand, careful not to disturb Luna. "I want to try that."

Ritsuko flicked it shut and handed my tool over to me. I held it like she did and gave the tool a flick. The arms got about one quarter of the way and stuck.

I frowned and gave it a second flick, and ended up just waving about.

"How the hell," I began, and gave it another shake. Ritsuko covered her mouth as I repeated this four more times.

"That's why it took me all day," Ritsuko giggled. "You have to snap your wrist really hard to do it."

"Bah!" I snapped it shut with a click. I've never been good with this sort of thing. I can't even twirl a pen.

"You other-worlders are strange," Ayers shook her head. "What is that thing anyway?"

"It's a multi-tool," I explained. "It's got pliers, a knife, a pair of screwdrivers, a metal file."

I worked my old leatherman open and showed her.

"Can opener," I continued. "A bunch of little bits that look like more screwdrivers I can't figure out the uses for. The pliers double as wire cutters..."

I snapped it shut and turned it over in my hand.

"Oh! And the outside has ruler markings for measuring. Makes a good straight edge in a pinch."

Ayers blinked.

"That's neat."

"Yeah," I agreed. "Probably worth a ton around here too. Though I doubt it'll cover half a million in financial losses. If I could go home and trade up some money for the gold I've got, I could probably buy hundreds and bring them back. Then you could sell them and recoup. And we'd be square."

I looked up as I set my leatherman on the ground. Ayers was looking at me hard, her brow furrowed in thought.

"They said you're traveling," she continued. "You go to places that have things like this?"

"Yeah," I nodded. "Why? You want me to bring you back something rare here? I can."

But Ayers wasn't listening to me. She was drawing in the dirt. Drawing frantically in the dirt. Runes, and numbers, and lines.

"If an item that's rare in one would is common in another," she mumbled. "It can be exported or imported for a trade in value... So if the market price is fifty gold coins for something here, and then if the market value of gold..."

Ayers looked up.

"How much does that thing cost in your units?" she asked. "And how much is gold in your units?"

"This?" I indicated my leatherman. "I'd guess about a hundred dollars."

"Gold is roughly 300 dollars to the ounce," Senbei provided.

"Right!" Ayers looked down, completely ignoring Senbei as he mentioned the price fluctuations.

"Two gold coins in an ounce," she continued. "That'll buy three of those, which I could sell here for fifty coins, which nets me value return of..."

"Thirty thousand," Senbei provided again.

"Thirty thousand of those dollars," she continued. "That's... Divide by the value of the tool, which is easy. Move the decimal two spaces... thirty-thousand percent!"

Ayers let out a rather silly sounding laugh. Like a chipmunk.

"So I can sell that," she continued. "And I just sell it for fifty gold. Convert the gold to your currency... You could turn around and buy three hundred of those. Then I could sell them again! Just having you go get them for me. I could not only recover everything I lost. I could almost triple my profits! And if I do a price markup..."

"Whoa!" I raised my hand. "Slow down. I'm not a delivery truck... er... Cart. I can't haul around metric tons of goods!"

"Even better!" The elf was damn near hyperactive now. "A common good in one world whose value is next to nothing becomes an exotic good in another. That works both ways. So I can purchase common goods here, then have you sell them for massive profits! While you purchase common goods to bring back to this world! And since you're the only one doing it, there's no competition! Objects are guaranteed to remain rare, and thus, their values high. Economic impact also remains low because of the low volume! It's perfect!"

"TIME OUT!" I snapped. "I can't just go hauling your stuff around! I have things to do!"

Ayers about tackled me, looking about as excited as Lashara from Saint Knight's Tale when she was making a money plot. It's funny. Up until now, I hadn't even thought about that future spin-off from Tenchi Muyo. I better keep that piece of future history away from Washu. I have no idea what kind of ripple effect I might be having on them as well.

"You've got to do this for me!" she grinned. "Can't you hear the jingle of profits waiting to be made?"

What is she, Teladi? I can almost imagine her dragging out the S.

"I know you know I'm right!" she continued. "You already did it with that toilet paper stuff! Just think! You have access to markets nobody else does. That's a tremendous business advantage! We could be rich... Richer than I already was, but THINK about it!"

"But I'm trying to STOP traveling," I objected. "I'm not in control of these jumps! What good is being filthy stinking rich if I can't stop to enjoy it?"

"You owe me at least one trip!" she continued. "At least one! Please! Even one trip just to pay back what you owe and make a REAL profit. After that, if you're not interested, I'll understand. BUT ONCE! Do it for me!"

I didn't think it was possible. But Ayers, as ruined as her clothing was, and torn up as she was, proceeded to level me with a puppy-dog stare.

Oh come on! That's just not fair! After the guilt trip I'd just been slapped with. Pulling that move is just LOW.

Well, think about it. The rule is to exploit any advantage you can get. And your dimensional hopping just got itself an official corporate sponsor. Even if it IS from the dark ages.

Oh, you're back again. You were there to mess with me while I was working on Motoko. I hope this isn't the onset of Schizophrenia. One of my uncles has that, and it's not pretty.

If you have to shatter your mind into a thousand pieces in order to cope, I think we can handle running things.

I am NOT a committee.

Then think about the opportunity here. Are you willing to pass up the potential to be a multimillionaire?

If I get too involved in a world like this, something's going to bite me. I just know it. I've got too much crap on my plate to add dimensional stockbroker to my list of jobs.

Paranoiiiid...

I am not paranoid, I am CAUTIOUS. There's a difference. CATION is what is keeping me alive here. Caution is how I'm going to get that crystal back and fix Luna's world. And this just sounds too good. I'm expecting Murphy to come around the corner any minute now and jump me for the toilet paper scheme alone. But full on dimensional trading? In case you forgot, these worlds have actual manifested phenomena for cruel ironies. This is not a case of something 'could' go wrong and I'm being pessimistic like back home. But something 'will' go wrong because that's how this world rolls. It's just a matter of WHAT.

Man, you can't LOSE. Look. At the very least, you walk away with nothing. Which is right where you started. This is one risk you can take that doesn't have a bad end saying: 'Good job! You're dead! Hit Reload and Try again Roger Wilco!' Stop being such a pussy and just accept the deal. You flirted with the Devil herself for less!

When did I start calling myself a pussy?

"Okay," I glared at Ayers. "I'll do it."

Ayers' face somehow managed to become so ecstatic it was almost blinding.

"ONCE!" I added in. "Because I'm a nice guy."

And I'm a sucker for guilt trips. God dammit.

"HEEEE!" Ayers squealed like a child. Then this time she really did tackle me, jarring the purring cat in my arms loose as she grabbed me by the face and planted a big fat kiss right square on it.

"Wha?" Luna commented in her disorientation on the ground. "Who-where?"

Ayers broke the surprise lip-lock and giggled again.

"Oh!" she shot to her feet.

"Did I miss something?" Luna commented groggily.

"I'm going to go get my things!" she snapped. "I know just what you can take along to sell. I just need to get back to my mansion. WOO HOO!"

"And how long is this going to take?" I asked.

"Why?" Ayers turned. "You going somewhere?"

Then she put her hand to her mouth.

"Oh!" She realized. "You're not in control! That's right!"

Ayers quickly turned to Airi.

"I need to rent your... tank. It's fast right?"

"MREOW!"

"Now hold on!" Ritsuko interrupted. "Mike is not a taxi!"

"I think we can let it go," Airi cut in from around a sly smile. "She's coming right back if I'm not mistaken."

"Damn right I am!" Ayers quickly ran over to where Mike was parked. After a few seconds, she quickly managed to climb up on Mike.

"Let's go cat spirit, tank... thing!" she announced. "Uh... How do you make it go?"

"Mreow?"

"It's okay Mike," Ritsuko shook her head. "Just go where she tells you, and then bring her back here."

"MREOW!" the tank boomed. Then with a roar, the vehicle started plowing forward, ripping the ground up in its wake as all tanks do.

"That way!" Ayers commented. "Yeah! I'll show Daddy his little girl's not so helpless! Just wait and see!"

"MREOW!"

And Mike kicked into high. Frankly, I didn't realize until that moment just how fast that tank was. So I just sat there shaking my head. That girl's WAY too excited.

"Way too much energy," I commented.

"Agreed," Luna mumbled, working to curl up in my lap this time.

Then I noticed, Airi was laughing quietly.

"What?" I asked.

"Nothing," she laughed. "Just thinking about how quickly you turned that around."

"Sure you were," I gave the actress a Spock eyebrow. "All I did was say a few things."

Right in the eye of the storm again.

"How long do you think she's going to take?" I asked. "I'd like to get to sleep before I get tired.

"We didn't go far since last time," Celcia commented. "We're just a town over."

"I'll give her an hour," I shook my head, tapping my watch. "After that, if she misses the plane, tough. "

After all, an hour should be all Luna needs to be well rested.

I glanced at my watch to see what time it was.

...

Self-reminder: This is not a watch.

 


	17. Kitsemut's Revenge

* * *

**Chapter seventeen: Kitsemut's Revenge**

_"Eat right, exercise regularly, die anyway."_

_-Author Unknown_

* * *

 

7:16 AM

As I stared back at the harsh red glow of the LCD display in front of my eyes, my brain could only contemplate one simple response.

'Aw man...'

Why? Well, simple math. Normal people getting up at this time go to bed anywhere from ten PM to one AM. That gives you your required eight hours or so of sleep. Which is good. But this isn't so simple for me lately.

Now, while I can go to bed at any given time. Because of these jumps, I seem to appear at exactly four AM at my next destination the moment I fall asleep.

So as I gazed back at the clock, I realized that if I appeared where I was now at exactly four in the morning, that the sinister red glow of the alarm clock in front of me meant I had only gotten EXACTLY three hours and sixteen minutes of sleep.

Of course, as anyone would be willing to point out. Most people would just turn over and go right back to sleep. As anyone who's known me for the last week or so would promptly counter: If I went back to sleep, I'd just jump again.

That's assuming that I could even go back to sleep in the first place.

As tired as I was, there had to be a pretty damn good reason I was awake of my own volition long enough to ponder the numbers on the clock.

Hell, after everything that's happened, it wouldn't be too far fetched to believe it was a screaming girl, or an argument over my sudden appearance.

Thankfully, if the quiet whispering was any indication, that wasn't the case this time around.

This time, the blame was all mine.

Or rather, my body...

Specifically, my stomach.

And the fact that it hurt.

A lot...

Like I was going to puke at any moment.

"How long does he have to be there?" one voice whispered. "I mean, I understand the problem, but if Grampa sees him-"

"He HAS to get sleep," the other whispered. "Remember how borderline paranoid he was? It gets worse. If he doesn't get enough sleep..."

"Okay, I get it... But this just looks so... So."

"I know. But it's the only way. Wake him and move him and that's it. He'll just jump again."

What little of that conversation I actually heard just now told me that indeed, the situation was spot-on, as I had predicted. From the sounds of things, Luna was briefing Rei on what was going on.

7:17 AM

The rollover of the minute for the LCD display in front of me had little significance, but it served to alert me that time was passing. And as the two continued to speak from somewhere just behind my back, (When did I roll on my side?) my stomach continued to do cartwheels.

Problem is, on top of this; I had the distinct feeling that I really did not want to move. And if I did, it would only make me feel worse.

"What about this evil presence?" Rei whispered. "I can feel some kind of aura..."

"That's just Senbei," Luna whispered back. "He's harmless... Most of the time... It's complicated, but believe me when I tell you he's on our side."

You sure it's not my stomach Luna? Ugh... Something's wrong. Something's really wrong. This isn't just my occasional bout of late-night/early-morning upset stomach.

This is...

I sat up abruptly, and the sudden feeling of motion sickness took over, making me regret the action.

"Oh!" Rei chirped from where she sat at the foot of her bed. "He's awake..."

"Oh dear," Luna sighed. "I was hoping not to wake him."

I heard them, but I wasn't listening. The way I could feel my heartbeat in the heat from my own face, the fact that breathing itself seemed like real effort... And the spinning; the nausea...

I know this feeling. This is like...

Like...

I groaned and flopped over on my side, I could FEEL my face turning pale as the two females blinked at me in the dark of the room.

"Is he okay?" Came Rei's voice.

"Uh..." Luna began. "He was a few hours ago..."

You'd be amazed how fast The Crud can come on.

"What's wrong?" I felt Luna in feline form prod me with a paw, then she crawled over the top of me to look me square in the eye.

"Oh my," she blinked. "You look pale, what's wrong?"

Today's language lesson, caveman speak.

'Groan.'

Translation: 'I feel like crap.'

'Grooooooooan.'

'I REALLY feel like crap.'

"He's sick," Luna shook her head. "Of all the- why now?"

"Great," Rei whispered. "I hope he's not going to throw up in my bed."

Funny she should mention that.

"I think," I began, trying to keep my voice down. "I'm going to take my leave now..."

I rolled free of the already thrashed covers, promptly leaving the bed in a controlled fall. There was a minor thump as I hit the floor feet first and made for the door.

"Wait!" snapped Rei in a loud whisper. She then grabbed me by the shoulder, to which I almost reflexively yanked free.

"I said wait!" she snapped again.

Now, is NOT the time for waiting. As I turned around to give the girl a desperate sour gaze, she grabbed me by the shoulder again and pulled me back, whispering quietly in my ear. It's nice to note in an offhand fashion that, for once, I'm taller than someone is.

"Grampa's been up all morning since you got here," she continued. "I think he senses this Senbei that Luna's talking about. If you go out there now, he'll definitely spot you."

And if I stay here much longer, we're going to have a mess on our hands.

So those are my choices? Be sick all over Rei's room, or run the gauntlet of Grampa Hino? I object! Those are terrible options! Like they're out of some dating simulation game decision tree. Which invariably means that both decisions lead to getting caught.

And if given the choice, the better of two evils would be to just get it over with.

What's the worst that could happen?

No, that's a bad thought. That's a stupid thought. One never asks that anywhere within the effective range of a fictional phenomenon. It automatically gets worse. Think ahead of the gag. Use it.

Oh... thinking in this state isn't fun. Not with the making with the spinning...

Come on; focus for two seconds... Senbei.

Dammit, why does he have to be a signal flare everywhere I go? I don't know HOW he manages to mask himself against the goddesses when he shows up as Apocalyptic Evil on the senses of every psychic and magic sensitive person in a fifty-mile radius. Well, if he's going to be a flare, might as well be a decoy flare... Carrot on a stick method...

"Senbei," I half whispered, half groaned.

"Yes?" the Demon god appeared in the air next to me.

"Ye-!" Rei snapped out then covered her mouth as she gazed wide-eyed at the pint sized source of Evil Energy. Then she gawked quietly at the absurd attire the demon god was wearing. Same reaction as just about... Well, everyone.

"Rei?" Grampa's voice immediately responded from beyond the sliding door. "Are you okay?"

Oh God dammit, too late! Rei's face changed to that of dread as she quickly started to look around the room.

"Quick!" she whispered. "We've got to hide you!"

"Rei?" Hino's voice was closer now.

"I- I'm fine Grampa!" she announced, quickly snapping her gaze around the room. Then in one swift motion, she snatched Senbei out of the air and stuffed him into a drawer, then slammed it shut. Then she turned back to me and clicked her teeth around a tense hiss.

Can't stuff me into a drawer.

"It's almost time for school," the elder continued, now frighteningly close to the door. "If you don't hurry, you'll be late."

Rei's attempts to find a hiding place to stuff me into became frantic. Oh give it up girl, I'm already caught.

Just as I was about to open my mouth and get this over with, the girl suddenly grabbed me by the shoulder, and with a determined twist, threw me at her bed. That shut me up quite well, as I almost lost it right then and there.

"You mustn't do-" Luna tried her best to mouth quietly.

"No time," Rei replied with equally quiet snap.

"You don't understand!" Luna whispered urgently. "You're setting up a-"

There was a knock on the wood for the sliding door. Rei wasted no more time in grabbing her bedding at lightning-fast speed and throwing it over me. A moment later, something small landed on top of me, a pillow. Then a second one, and something slightly heavier. Must have been Luna.

She can't seriously be thinking she can hide me with something as infantile as a blanket and pillows can she? You couldn't fool a five-year-old with that kind of stunt!

Before I really had time to think about this any further, the mattress sank slightly as Rei flopped down on it. At least she had the decency not to land on me. Or maybe I was just lucky. Though, at this point, between the queasiness, and the situation... I'm not making any observations on luck.

"Rei..."

The door could be heard sliding open. Uh... Old man entering teen girl's room. When she might be changing clothes. Uh, we ask first before entering, yes? No?

Who am I to dictate that at this point?

"Hi Grampa!" Oh that was falsetto. Were I ever greeted in that tone, the first thing out of my mouth would be: 'What did you do?'

That however, was NOT the first thing out of his mouth. The first thing out of his mouth was more like-

"REI! Wha- you're not almost ready! You're not even dressed! You're going to be late!"

More or less...

"I've got it all under control Grampa!" Rei snapped. "I'm not going to be late!"

"You were late last week too," the elder continued. "If this is becoming a habit-"

"I WAS MAKING SURE YOU WERE OKAY!" in came Rei's signature explosive temper. Well, this version of her WAS prone to the bad puns about having a fiery temper for a reason...

"I hope this isn't because of your new friends," Hino stated. "I mean, I like them, but if you're going to start being late for school-"

"I TOLD YOU-"

"And falling asleep in class!" he continued.

"I only did that ONCE!"

"And your grades have slipped," the elder rattled on, shifting into his 'woe is me' voice. Ever wonder how parents, or in this case, grandparents, wait for just that right moment to hammer you with a list of woes? It's like they planned the whole thing out, even though you know they didn't.

"But I-"

"It's your future we're talking about," he continued to whine. "If you don't learn to prioritize better, what do you think is going to happen if-"

He stopped, dead in mid sentence.

"What?" I heard Rei ask.

"It's in here," the Elder Hino's voice had shifted gears completely. It had gone from his poor-old-man tone, a deliberate and rather obvious attempt to guilt his granddaughter, to one of a skilled, alert old master.

"Wh-what?" Rei asked. "What's in here?"

"That evil spirit," her grandfather continued. I almost imagined him standing in the room, looking around like a predator. Too bad I can't see through this smothering layer of blankets and pillows.

There was a brief moment of shuffling. Then a sliding sound.

"GRAMPA!" Rei suddenly shouted. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!"

"What's it look like I'm doing?" he asked in a serious tone. "I'm finding that spirit!"

Rei's body left the bed in an almost spring.

"It's not in my underwear drawer, GET OUT OF THERE!"

Oh, yeah... That would probably be about par for this kind of thing. And she probably really did stuff Senbei into her underwear drawer.

"It must be a perverted demon then," the Elder hissed. "You should exorcise it promptly-"

"OKAY!" the younger Hino snapped. "JUST GET OUT OF THERE!"

"Okay!" Grampa snapped. Well, at least I know the temper runs in the family. "I'm just trying to protect you."

"I don't need protection from my clothes," the girl returned, there was the sound of a thump as the drawer was shut. "Really, you can be such a pain sometimes."

"I'm just worried, that's all." The temper faded as fast as it came. "You know that."

"Yeah..." the younger Hino responded around a sigh. "I know. It's okay."

There was a moment of silence, before the bed sagged under weight again. Both of them sat down.

"Rei," Grampa continued solemnly. "Is there something you need to tell me?"

"Er-what?" she asked.

"Is there something going on?" he rephrased his question. "If there's something going on, in school, with your friends. Just tell me, and I'll be there."

"N-No! Nothing of course not! What gave you that idea?"

"I'm just a worrying old man," the elder sighed.

There was a rustling, and if I were to describe what I thought was happening, I'd say it was a hug, but then again a blanket obscured my vision. And if indeed it was a hug, well, that's a nice, touching scene... But can we expedite this before I vomit? No seriously, I'm going to puke for real here in case you forgot.

"Now," he continued, part of the weight on the mattress lifted. "School starts with or without you. And yo-"

'click'

Click?

"What is-" Hino began.

The air suddenly seemed to get real thick, and then the sound shifted. There was a wind chime and a... A hiss applied with a phase effect? And then I realized with a certain twist of horror... That was the opening effects to-

["The answer is always in my chest…"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i6yRF__0fA0)

And the music that followed those words drowned everything out like I had front row seats to a live concert. Of course, there could be only one thing that would have this particular song, and blast it at this level, and even as I tried to stuff my fingers in my ears without success, Washu's GMP3K boomed music at the borderline earsplitting level of ninety decibels.

"WHAT IN THE WORLD!" I heard the elder manage to yell over the din. "WHAT'S THIS NOISE?"

"I DON'T KNOW!" I could barely hear Rei's voice panicking. "I THINK IT'S THAT THING!"

The weight on the bed shifted as Rei jumped up. There was panicked thumping on the floor, and then the volume spiked. Now it just wasn't borderline, it was PAINFUL! They must be trying to figure out how to work it!

"TOO LOUD!" I couldn't tell who shouted that.

Dammit!

I sprang out of the blankets, surprising the other two as I worked over my stomach to snatch the device from the girl's fumbling hands before she could finish making us all deaf. She may not be Minako, but I doubt she could navigate her way around a regular MP3 player, let alone this thing. Especially since MP3 players didn't exist yet here.

'NOW PLAYING: Aya Hirano – Bouken Desho Desho (Euro Mix) [V=115db]'

Stop button? OFF BUTTON! Shut up you god damned piece of hyper-technological junk! Before I find a really good way to smash you into thousands of hyper-technological PIECES! OFF! I SAID OFF!

'Click'

Instant, blessed silence.

"And stay off," I frowned, my stomach kindly informing me of its displeasure at my sudden motion. We all just stood there for several seconds, blinking away the slight whining sensation in our ears. (At least, my ears.) Luna was still on the bed, ducked flat against the sheets, her paws doing their best to pin her ears to her head. Poor kitty took that harder than we did.

After a few seconds to recover from the shock, the two finally turned to acknowledge me. Rei's face betrayed how nervous she suddenly got. And Grampa?

"You..."

Okay, let's get this crap over with...

"Me," I huffed. Big mistake, opening my mouth only made my stomach worse. It's taking everything I have just to keep from losing it at this point.

"YOU!"

Yes, we've established that part, let's work on new words.

"Never see you again, huh?" The Elder rounded, and despite as short as he was, he did manage to pull intimidating when he wanted. Though honestly, it didn't work on me at this point. I've just seen way too much, and feel way too crappy at the moment.

"Grampa-" Rei began.

"And here you are in my Granddaughter's room," he snapped. "Of all the places... You really must be some kind of pervert! Oh, but you're not armed this time are you?"

Actually, I'm very well armed.

"Grampa DON'T!" Rei snapped more assertively. "It's okay! He's a friend!"

"A friend?" Hino asked. "What kind of friend do you have that shows up at all hours of the morning and night, and hangs out in your room and-"

Yeah, even I could hear the gear-click. This was going to go down that street, and there's nothing I could do about it.

Then he turned, looked at me, then back at Rei.

"You didn't," he glared at me, this time it WAS intimidating. It wasn't just a glare, it was THE glare. The 'you just touched my pretty little flower, and BAD THINGS(TM) are about to happen to you' glare. It doesn't matter how small you are. When you put on THAT face, even the Incredible Hulk knows to run.

"What?" Rei cut in. "No! Grampa, I can explain!"

"Wrong answer," I managed to choke past the rising bile in my throat.

"This isn't what it looks like!" the girl continued. Two cliches in a row?

"Worse answer," I put my hand to my throat, making a sour face. Okay, I need to go NOW.

"You stay RIGHT there," Hino caught my free hand and yanked me back into place as he placed himself between the door and myself. "And what do you mean not what it looks like? What else could this be? You've got a guy in your room! I made explicitly clear that you aren't allowed to date any guys until you're eighteen! And here I find that not only have you been going around ignoring my rules behind my back, but you have the audacity to bring one into your ROOM and... AND..."

Rei's face grew three shades of red at what he implied.

"It's not like that!" she snapped.

Is she going for a record here? That's number three on the 'do not use' list.

"What's it like then?" Grampa asked. "Tell me, what is this?"

"HE SAVED YOUR LIFE!" The girl finally snapped under the grand-parental pressure. "OKAY? HE'S THE ONE WHO HELPED US WHEN YOU WERE ATTACKED! HE ATTACKED THAT MANIAC LIKE SOME KIND OF DEMON! JUST TO HELP YOU!"

Grampa seemed to flinch when she blew up, and cast a withering glance at me. Something about the look on his face, like shock, or horror, for just a moment... I guess it hurt to have your own granddaughter telling you off.

On the bed, Luna was watching intently, both ears erect and aimed at us. We made eye contact, and I knew if 'negotiations' broke down and anything happened. She could still intervene. Plus, I knew Senbei was still nearby in that drawer. One word from me and I'd have all the distractions I could ever want.

"So," Hino continued after a moment. His temper had faltered. "Why is he here? Does him saving me make it okay to-"

"I. Did. No. Such. THING." I never knew the Senshi of fire could come off that ice cold. But, good lord, that was cryogenic.

The two just stared directly at each other for several seconds. Each daring the other to back down. Amidst all the tension, I managed to get another look at the clock.

7:24

You know, trying to sort this out is nice, but time is not a luxury at the moment. And denying the liberation of my stomach for seven minutes now was becoming painful.

"E-scuse me?" I choked. Rei looked at me, and her face went from frost-queen to livid in an instant.

"What?" the Elder growled.

"If it's okay-" I began, fighting back the burning in my throat. "I really need to run."

"Run?" Hino somehow laughed. "You're not going anywhere boy."

"Grampa," Rei was well aware of the color of my face, I'm sure. "I think you need to move. NOW."

"Why should I?" he asked, some force coming back into his voice.

I took a deep breath and fought down the bile nice and hard, then spoke, in a very nauseated, very stiff tone.

"Because if you don't," I began, "You are going to be wearing the contents of my stomach in thirty seconds."

Hino froze, then whipped his head to look up at me. Then he too went livid and quickly backed out into the hall.

"Go..." he motioned. "GO!"

'Thank you-" I mouthed, choking again.

"First door on the left," Grampa indicated as I quickly hauled ass past him. I made it in the door, found my target, and dropped to my knees.

The next few minutes were not exactly the highlight of my life. And it's not something I'd really like to get into too much detail about, and I'm sure nobody really wants those kind of details anyway. But for the sake of accuracy, I did indeed spend this time worshiping the All-Powerful Porcelain Goddess.

Praise be the Goddess. Praise! Hallelujah!

After completion of the Sacred Ritual of the Goddess several minutes later, I felt infinitely better than I had been. Weak and shaky, but... Well, not HORRIBLE, just weak and shaky.

"This is turning into a LONG week," I shuddered to myself as I washed my face in the sink. As I did so, I looked at the mirror. My stubble had grown since I had seen it two days ago, and it made me look absolutely nasty. A pair of slashes across my right cheek where that Mesquite branch had tagged me didn't help the look. They were faded already thanks to Washu's nanomachines, but it was obvious the marks were going to be with me a while. And I didn't even want to think about the lack of a bath for two days in this suit.

"I'm a mess," I muttered to myself in English. There just wasn't any denying it. I was not made for universe jumping. There just wasn't any precedence for it. No form of survival routine. Sure, you could probably adapt a wilderness survival routine, but I'm not exactly a Boy Scout.

If it weren't for Washu's help, I'd probably be dead already. Or at least wandering around with a sprained ankle, an injured knee, a broken rib, and a broken hand... Not accounting for the skull fracture she fixed personally. And even without the critical injuries, if I hadn't returned to top condition so fast, I probably would have accumulated injuries until I was unable to do anything to stop anyone from attacking me.

God I'm so patheti-

Listen to me, I sound like I'm suffering depression. Ugh... That's the problem when I get sick. I can't think positive. I didn't survive the Week From Hell by moping around like Shinji Ikari. Stop moping around like Shinji Ikari!

Ugh... Mental Pep talks take too much energy... I think I'll just skip it and get right to the point.

Washu said her nanomachines help fight disease, which makes sense. So it must have been something I ate. I didn't eat anything greasy right before I went to sleep did I? That always ends up messing with my stomach a few hours later. I don't know why.

No, scratch that. I didn't even EAT anything except another Drewell tablet to knock my ass out. So it wasn't my usual upset stomach.

I ate rice, and a meal from that IHOP/Starbucks wannabe place...

Wait... I ate food from a restaurant that existed in a world that hadn't even learned how to pasteurize milk yet.

I wonder how many pathogens I ingested from the glass of water alone.

Actually, that's probably what it was... Revised note on Those Who Hunt Elves: Don't Drink The Water.

'Thump!'

"You done in there yet?" Hino must be guarding the door so I couldn't try to run. "Hurry up!"

"GRAMPA!" Rei's voice echoed. "Be nice!"

"I am being nice!" the old man responded. "He's still alive isn't he?"

"GRAMPA!"

Well, technically true.

"You just hurry up and get ready for school," the Elder continued. "I took the time to make you a quick breakfast too. And now that I know where the eggs went..."

"For the last time," Rei's voice snapped. "LEAVE HIM ALONE!"

Well, I can't hide in this bathroom all day. I have things that need doing, and I can't get them done from in here. Oh man... I just want to go back to sleep and nap this stomach off. I feel better, but feeling better and feeling good are not the same things.

I opened the door, discovering that Hino did indeed post himself to guard against my escape. Luna was still nearby, observing the older man warily. She knew the guy well enough, but I figure she wasn't taking any chances. Obviously by the way Hino was ignoring her, the old man had seen her enough to dismiss the cat.

"Hey," the old man grunted. "Feel better?"

"Ugh," I attempted to smile. I think it only came out as an exhausted sigh.

"I know the feeling," Hino glared. Then he looked me up and down, examining me now that he had a chance to in the light.

"You American?" he asked, but made it sound more like a statement. "What base are you from?"

Then he paused.

"No," he continued. "Too much of a mess for that... You a fugitive?"

"He's not a criminal Grampa," Rei walked by in a white and brown school uniform, tying the ribbon on the front. "Stop treating him like one."

"Hmph," Hino scoffed. Rei stepped over Luna and maneuvered her way into the bathroom, grabbing a toothbrush and running the water.

"If he's not a criminal, then who is he?" the Priest asked.

"I told you," Rei paused, her toothbrush half way to her mouth. "He's a friend, he saved your life."

Idea...

"Actually," I began, my voice still raw. "I'm Usagi's friend. Maybe you know her."

Luna smiled.

"Hmm?" he looked at me. "Usagi? You're her friend?"

"Yeah," I nodded. "Blond, hair pulled up like this..."

I grabbed at the top of my head with my hands as if pulling up invisible hair.

The old man grunted, nodding.

"I know her," he continued. "Which explains a few things, but not why you were in my Rei's room at this time of the morning."

"I was checking on you," I went with the first thing that popped into my head.

"In Rei's BED?" he snapped. "If you were checking on me, WHY were you hiding?"

"I did that," Rei commented around her toothbrush, then spat it out. "I was afraid you'd freak out..."

Justified.

"What?" Grampa asked. "Why would you ever think I'd freak out if you just came straight out with it?"

"You ALWAYS freak out," the younger Hino snapped. "You scare the girls who come to the shrine, you chase off any guy who so much as looks at me. You even ran off that bum you found sleeping on the steps last week."

There goes Yuichiro and any semblance of getting the plot around here back on the rails. Speaking of last week, I better come up with a REALLY good excuse as to why I was here, with a shotgun, at four in the morning. Because Gramps is really close to asking that...

"And you think I wouldn't expect you to overreact?" Rei continued.

Honestly, overreaction seems to run in the family.

"Well, with flying madmen on the loose its no wonder," Hino snapped. "I'd like to see you deal with a guy who floats and throws crystal spears."

Sounds like Zoicite to a tee. Good riddens to bad rubbish.

Rei came out of the bathroom and crossed her arms, looking down at her Grampa. I swear, if I didn't know any better, SHE was the one in charge, not her Grampa.

"I don't know about flying-"

Lie.

"But I do know that if he hadn't been there to help you..." she let the rest of the sentence hang.

I'm still waiting for Grampa to ask why I was there in the first place. And I still don't have an excuse. After all, I did pretty much show up out of nowhere, ARMED TO THE TEETH, paranoid.

"Okay!" Hino snapped. "But at least next time you could let me know he's here. Maybe I won't try to beat him with a broomstick."

"Okay!" Rei snapped in return. "My mistake! But can you blame me?"

Well, he asked if I was from a military base... And then he ruled that out. Mercenary? Contrived. I've already declared to be friends with Usagi. Teen Prank gone wrong? No, where would I get a shotgun in Tokyo? I could always claim Yakuza affiliation or something equally crazy, but I don't think he'd be too thrilled about that as an upstanding Shrine Priest... Though I could say I was being hunted by the Yakuza... Which is... Equally contrived. But it WOULD explain why I was paranoid. Would also explain Zoicite, somewhat.

But then if I go with that, the way Rei's been carrying on like I'm a friend now... That would imply that the Yakuza might now be after them too. Which would put the old man on edge. And as protective as he is of Rei, would probably result in him deciding that I'm nothing but trouble.

"No I can't," Hino admitted. "Can you blame ME when a strange boy shows up? I worry sometimes!"

Oi, they just admitted to each other twice that they were wrong, I think. Are they so argumentative that they'll sit here and beat a dead horse? If Grampa wanted to win this argument, he could have just asked outright what I was doing there in the first place. I can't come up with anything that sounds plausible to my own brain. Not this fast anyway.

Hold the phone...

Why HASN'T he asked? In fact, why is he being so agreeable, if you could call it that, in the first place? I'd have called the police by now. Or at least threatened to call the police.

What's going on?

Something's off. Something's not right here.

Luna cocked her head to the side, the motion catching my attention. She's watching my reactions; I must be making one hell of a confused face.

Come on brain, WAKE UP! Rewind, play back what's going on... Deal with feeling like crap later. Pay attention to what's going on.

"Okay," Rei continued into my thoughts. "Just promise me you won't run him off like you do everyone else. I've got to run-"

"What?" Hino asked. "What about your breakfast?"

"PROMISE ME!" Rei snapped.

"OKAY! He snapped. "I promise I won't hurt him!"

He's giving in too easily, and wording his statements to get loopholes out of them. I know this trick.

"Good!" Rei nodded, then turned to me.

"I have to run," she informed me. "Stay here and rest, don't let Grampa pick on you too much. Today's only a half-day so I should be back by noon. We'll talk then, okay?"

Rei emphasized 'we'll talk then' by lowering her head slightly, and then she seemed to casually glance at Luna as she finished the statement.

I simply nodded, at which the girl smiled and spun to leave.

"What about your breakfast?" Hino asked.

"Feed it to him!" she snapped, rounding the corner. "I don't have time! Bye!"

And that, was that.

"That girl sometimes," Hino shook his head. Then he looked at me, let his face go from a determined glare to a wry smirk, and snorted.

What are you playing at?

"Well," he began. "Might as well not waste my effort."

Then he turned, putting his hands behind his back 'Kung Fu Master' style.

"Let's go see if you can keep anything down..."

Yes... Way too agreeable. And I may have caught on way too late.

At a loss, casting a glance at Luna, who simply gave me her best 'I don't know' look, I sighed and turn to follow the old man.

I have too much to do, and too little time to do it in. I'm going to be tired all day; I'm going to feel like crap the whole time, and now I've got Grampa playing games of intrigue on top of that.

That settles it.

This is going to be a long day.


	18. Operation Menchi

* * *

**Chapter eighteen: Operation Menchi**

_"The moment you don't respect this, it kills you."_

_\- Stanley Goodspeed, The ROCK._

* * *

 

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine Luna... I've been worse."

Unfortunately, breakfast today did not go very well. Despite Grampa Hino's insistence that I eat something, my stomach did not comply. Oh, I tried to eat, but not only did nothing seem appetizing because of my stomach. But what I managed to down, did not remain there.

So my first hour awake consisted of a few vain attempts to deal with my hunger, followed by panicked offerings to the Goddess.

By about the third time, Luna was starting to look mildly concerned.

"I don't know," the feline whispered. "I haven't even seen Usagi looking this bad."

I glanced over at the kitty from my Place of Worship; I could feel my face drooping from the effort.

"Food poisoning," I stated. "It looks worse than it really is."

Luna tilted her head.

"I'm not buying that."

"I've got an immune system like a rock," I tried to keep my voice down. "It'll pass."

"Like a rock?" the cat let one ear lay flat, but kept the other perked up. It had the effect of looking at an Ironic Smirk.

Please hold: Offering in Progress...

"Ugh..." I continued after a moment. "Trying to force feed myself hasn't really been helping. You can't puke up what you haven't eaten after all."

"Maybe you should stop trying to eat then," the feline whispered.

"Yeah," I sighed. "I think I'll wait until lunch. Maybe by then this crap will have passed."

"I hope so," Luna nodded. "You look terrible."

"That aside-"

I stopped as Luna's ears perked up and she turned her head. A few seconds later, I could hear Grampa walking up before stuck his head in the bathroom.

"Still can't keep anything down?" he asked.

"Eh..." I grunted.

"I didn't think so," he shook his head. "Clean up, then you can go rest next to the fire. It's a bit cold today."

I nodded mutely and he wandered off.

There was a quiet delay before Luna turned and nodded for me to continue.

"You were saying?" she asked.

"I wonder what he's up to..." I continued.

"What?" the feline blinked. "Rei's Grandfather? Don't be sill-"

"He's been way too agreeable," I replied quietly. "Consider all the crap that's happened... The first time he saw me, I put the barrel of a shotgun to his face. That's not something you just pretend never happened."

Luna did her best feline impression of furrowing her brow, then glanced down the hall.

"Now he's being almost NICE," I continued. "He's not even trying to pester me with questions. Like what I was doing there in the first place. Or why I had a SHOTGUN?"

"You're right," Luna continued at last. "First time we met, I didn't even care that you were worn out. I wanted answers. He should too, but he's not trying to get any. The question is... Why?"

"I think he knows something," I pushed myself up and tried to get steady. Still felt weak from all the vomiting, and thirsty.

"Like what?" the advisor hissed.

"I don't know," I sighed back. "Anywhere from nothing to everything. All I know is, he's up to something."

"He might not know anything," Luna whispered. "It might be a trick to get you to reveal something to him."

"We'll just keep quiet then," I stepped into the hall and glanced back and forth. Which way was the fire room? "Unless he cracks first, I know nothing. Come on, let's go get warmed up."

I waited just a moment for Luna to make in the direction of the Fire. Just enough for her turn to point me in the correct direction to take in the hall. She knew where it was from experience, I didn't. But once I knew which way to go, it wasn't hard to find.

When we entered the room, I found Old Man Hino sitting in that god forsaken Seiza position, staring into the flames of the 'Great Fire'.

Honestly, I wasn't impressed. There was nothing 'great' about it at all. I've seen bigger bonfires burning piles of underbrush. Still, you don't disrespect religious practices if you don't want to piss off someone who knows enough Old Master style Kung Fu to break you like Christmas China. Especially when you know that technically, what he's practicing WORKS. So I'm not getting into names here.

For the most part, the fire was a simple affair, arranged in a slight pit in the floor with plenty of insulation between it and the stupidly flammable materials the building was constructed from. The smoke from the fire was vented through a hole in the ceiling, as was the logic for any indoor fire. I don't know if there was a cap above the hole or not, but I idly wondered if this room became a mess every time it rained or not.

But at least it was warm. Despite suit insulation, I was feeling the chills. I really need to get a jacket. That's on my To Do list.

Hino continued to stare into the blaze as I did my best to figure out a way to flop down and warm up without looking too much like a lost puppy. Once I had my spot, Luna likewise found her own nearby.

The old man continued to ignore my presence despite this, and just stared at the flame. He must be trying to duplicate Rei's little fire reading trick. Whether he could do it or not, I don't know. After about four, maybe five minutes of mute staring, he finally grunted before rocking back off his knees and crossing his arms perplexed.

"Anything good on?" I asked. I couldn't help it. I had to say something.

'Mph..." he grunted. "That child is so much better at this..."

That last statement sounded like it was more to himself than to me. But still. I'd love to respond with 'DUH! She's a Sailor Senshi, with, you know... REAL magic backing up her psychic prowess.

"You," he looked at me suddenly.

I glanced at Hino curiously.

"Yes?"

"Can you not feel it?" he continued.

"Feel what?" I asked.

"There's a sense of foreboding in the temple today," he continued. "A feeling of bad omens. Like misfortune itself has arrived."

That would be Senbei. Yeah, you got that in one old man. But I can't exactly tell you now can I?

"I wish I could find out where it was coming from," he continued at me, not knowing that I already had all his answers. "If it was from you, I'd know, but it's not..."

Hino looked at me, then down to Luna, who had curled up and was now sitting there relaxed, the tip of her tail twitching from time to time. But her ears were standing tall, indicating she was more alert than she looked. After a moment, he let his eyes return to the fire, and sighed.

"I don't know," he continued. "Something bad is coming, I can feel it in these old bones. I don't know why Rei didn't notice it. Normally she picks up on these things before I do."

I really don't know what to say really. I'm sure he's just venting his worries since he's got an audience, but he could be fishing. He could be. I still haven't figured him out yet.

Old Man Hino turned his head after a few more moments of silence, then pushed himself to his feet.

"I'm going to go check the grounds one more time," he announced. "Just relax for a little bit."

Sure, sure. Go do whatever it is you're going to do. Go search for Senbei, or pretend to search for Senbei but actually spy on me. I'm not going anywhere or doing anything I think I'd need to hide. Not yet anyway.

"If you catch it, strangle it for me," I commented. The statement literally came out of nowhere from that tiny portion of my brain that churns out the most completely idiotic statements and feeds the impulse right into the language center of my brain. It was a statement that I spat out before I even realized I was saying it.

Hino responded by turning to look at me, then grunted and left the room.

He sure clamed up a lot since Rei left. I don't think he's said two minutes worth of dialogue to me in the last hour.

After a few moments of silence, Luna sat up and looked at me, indicating Hino was more or less out of earshot.

"You know," I began. "If he actually finds Senbei, I'm going to laugh my ass off."

"I would hope not," Luna quietly admonished me. "His senses are strong, but Senbei would pulverize him."

"Yeah," I sighed. "Senbei plays a little rough. Still, he's good with kids."

That, or Su is an unstoppable force of nature.

"He is, isn't he?" Luna laughed a little. "For a demon he's not all that bad. A little funny too. I almost like him, but he's got horrible dress sense.

"Yeah," I continued. "His clothing is a little ta-"

Luna's head shot around and I snapped my mouth shut. A few seconds later, the sound of Hino's footsteps wandered by. Luna waited cautiously before she continued in my place.

"I think I should switch to my human form," she commented. "It might be easier to talk to you if I didn't have to hide it constantly."

"You sure?" I asked. "That switch makes a lot of noise."

"I've already got a story made up to cover it," Luna smirked. "Besides, I've seen how he acts around pretty girls."

"Just remember it wears you out fast," I reminded.

"I'll manage," she frowned.

'POP!'

Dammit, even used to it, I still had to stick a finger in my ear.

"What was that?"

"Just let me do the talking," Luna stuck one finger to her lips, then winked.

"I figured I'd find you here," she continued in a louder, conversational tone. "Nice to see you're not hurt. How are you feeling?"

I waited silently, but Luna made a sour face and waved at me. I responded with a scowl of my own. Don't tell me you're going to do all the talking and not expect me to keep my mouth shut.

"I'm fine," I replied in a slightly annoyed tone, which probably helped to bring the act out. "Feel like crap though..."

"You looked a little off earlier this morning," Luna rolled her eyes but kept up the act with her voice. Better acting than Rei, for what it was worth.

Hino came bounding through the entrance into the room and ground to a halt. It only took him a second to inventory the extra person in the room.

"Young lady..." he began, confusion on his features. "How did you get in here?"

Luna blinked innocently, and tilted her head to the side, trying to milk the 'cute' factor.

"I walked of course," she replied. "I thought you saw me."

I about snorted.

Hino's confusion only increased. Of course, I couldn't help but look off to the side as not to give away the look on my face. I mean, you've GOT to be kidding me... That's got to be the flimsiest excuse I've ever-

"You didn't notice when I greeted you?" she continued.

"No," Hino turned and looked out of the room, then back again. "When did-"

"You looked a bit preoccupied," she continued. "When I asked, you just grunted."

Hino glanced around the room once more.

"And what was that noise?"

"Oh I just knocked something over," Luna waved it away. Somehow, I don't think Hino's buying this.

"And you are?"

Nope, not buying it.

"Can't you tell?" Luna asked, then grabbed me by the arm. "I'm his girlfriend. You can call me Luna."

"Really?"

I inwardly sighed. Luna calls this a plan? She calls claiming she walked right past him and that she's my girlfriend, a PLAN? That's STUPID! That's insane! That's...

Probably going to work.

Oh god dammit, I can't believe its going to work. This is perfectly suitable fodder for a situation like this and its going to work perfectly. Don't ask me how, it defies logic. It defies anyone with common sense. How do people get away with these excuses when they're so transparent? Does comedic causality cause aneurysms? I mean, you can't just spontaneously develop a brain block with a reason.

"Well," Hino began, his eyes flicking to me. I just rolled mine in response.

"That's okay then," he continued at last.

There it is. There it FUCKING is. Insane plan... It works. It fucking works. Now Luna's going to think she can pull this off any time. The problem is the follow through. I can already see half a dozen ways this could go hilariously wrong. Luna doesn't see that yet.

Okay, so teaching her to try insane plans is my fault. I know that now. I'm going to let the kitty know in quite clear detail later that any insane plans should be run by me first.

Old Man Hino changed his posture and quickly bowed, his previous alert expression replaced by a goofy smile.

"I'm sorry for the suspicion," he continued. "It's just that there is some kind of foreboding today. Welcome to this humble shrine."

"Why thank you!" Luna smiled. "It's okay. To be honest, now that you mention it, I can feel it too. It was so bad I thought I might have stepped on a spider on the way here. I'm glad I'm not the only one who noticed."

Spider? What?

"Oh it's been like this all morning," Hino continued. "It's like an evil spirit, but not as sharp. It just feels muddled, like bad fortune. I can't pin it down."

"All morning?" Luna tilted her head. "I hope it doesn't get serious."

"This is a shrine young lady," Hino rubbed the back of his head. "I won't let it get that bad."

"What are you going to do?"

"I'm going to find it and exorcise it," he smirked.

This is stupid.

"Would you like to help?"

This is really stupid. Now he's hitting on her. What's she trying to do? Charm him?

"I'd love to," Luna let her head drop. "But I don't think I should help looking like this."

"Oh that's not a problem," Hino continued. "If you need to use the furo, you are more than welcome to it."

"Really?" Luna asked. "You mean it?"

"I haven't done laundry yet," he continued. "So the water's clean. After that, I'll let you wear one of Rei's hakama."

Wait a second... Did he just offer to let her- Oh, I see what you did there. Luna, you're one slick cat. You're playing him like a fiddle.

"Boy," Hino turned to me.

"Sir?" I asked, trying my best to sound at least somewhat alive.

"You think you can handle heating the water?"

"Wait," Luna cut in. "He's sick though. Shouldn't he-"

"Nonsense," Hino interrupted. "He's fine. Just a little stomach bug from eating something bad. I'm sure he can handle a little bit of fire."

"Yeah," I grunted, forcing my way to my feet. "I can handle that."

"Are you sure?" the catgirl asked. "I mean..."

"I'll be fine," I stated curtly. "But if you hear any screaming... I probably set myself on fire. "

Despite trying to hide it, Luna's face lit up with the most adorable little smile.

"Come on," Hino directed me towards the exit. "I'll show you what to do."

The directions were simple, though the very thought of a wood fired stove in the modern age was just archaic to me. However, I'm not going to argue with the guy over the setup of a SHRINE. It's essentially a historical landmark and tourist trap. Modernizing that would defeat the purpose.

So Hino showed me how to heat the water. Okay, yeah, I've worked a grill like any other Texas male. In terms of practicality, it's all the same. Maximum heat by keeping the flames well ventilated and the fuel together. Of course, I like to cheat. Lots and Lots of lighter fluid. Ever vaporize it and then light it? I have. Had a grill that all the flames went out, so it was just hot charcoal. Doused it in lighter fluid, watched the stuff vaporize. For a bit of a thrill, I shut the grill, and lit the vapor cloud using one of those extended reach torch lighters from the side.

Of course, having a healthy respect for fire, I paid attention to what I was doing. Combustible vapor in an enclosed environment plus spark equals:

'FWOOSH!'

Not only did I keep my face away from it. But I walked around to the side so that the inevitable jet of flames wouldn't try to take my eyebrows off.

And for just one entertaining second, I had a rocket.

Anyway...

Sure, Hino gave me a bamboo pipe to blow air into the little stove. But as soon as he wandered off to deal with some of the first tourists of the morning, I tossed it. I'm not going to stand here like a dofus for that. Instead I just prodded the fuel around and shifted it until something resembling reasonable airflow formed. Convective air currents are your FRIEND.

The morning out here wasn't terribly bright. To tell you the truth, it was downright glum. Looking up, I noted mildly that it was overcast, and chilly. A lot of people would have been bummed out by such weather. Me? I like glum weather. It has a kind of isolating feel that makes the world around you seem smaller, more manageable. I could sure use that feeling the way my nerves have been played with lately.

A hot chocolate would go good with this right about now. If only my stomach wasn't at DEFCON one.

I was just sitting there, soaking up some of the ambient heat from the stove when I noticed them.

Two birds, jet black, sitting on a branch. I never realized Crows were so... BIG.

Phobos and Deimos just stared right back at me, undaunted, unafraid. They were like a pair of oversized grackles. Every few seconds, one of them would twitch, whipping their head around in that way only birds can do. And they would fixate me with one eye. A little bird trivia. Depending on the species, a bird is not looking at something if it's looking right at it. It's looking at something when it has its head turned sideways. Their eyes are more in the side of their head than up front like a human. So in order to get a clear look at something, they have to get a bit of a sideways glance going.

Considering crows are very closely related to ravens, and how ravens are absolutely brilliant as far as animals go. And I knew that Phobos and Deimos weren't just ordinary crows, but smarter.

But...

I still couldn't shake the creepy-crawly sensation as we locked eyes that those two were actually measuring me up. The first time I was here, I hadn't seen them around. They probably hadn't sensed me and then stayed out of the way later.

"Hey birds," I commented at last.

Phobos (or was it Deimos. I don't know, they look identical.) cocked his (her? It?) head to the side, while the other ruffled its feathers a little as if cold.

"Yeah I hear ya," I responded, looking back at the stove.

Deimos (Phobos?) cawed once at this point. A single low, buzzing tone that was louder than expected. Then the bird jumped clear of its branch and glided to the ground a few feet away. Once on the ground, the bird continued to examine me in that way birds do. After a moment, it bounded forward, then sideways.

Phobos (Deimos?) watched its partner for a moment before the former cawed again.

Then it too jumped and glided to the ground as if it had been called down.

Both birds seemed to work out some kind of mutually agreed 'safe distance' from me. They continued to do short, rapid hops on the ground, examining me from all angles.

Phobos (?) got more and more brave as this continued, bouncing ever closer, but paying a great amount of attention to where I was looking.

Then they both bounced back and just stared at me for a moment, motionless. After a few seconds of this behavior, they both cawed at me.

'C-caw to you to," I replied with an inward laugh. "I don't bite."

Deimos (?) cocked its head to the side, then bounced back once with a light caw. Then Phobos (?) suddenly jumped up and took to the air, almost startling me as the bird quickly settled on my shoulder.

At a loss for how to respond, I just kept my head tilted out to give the bird some room on my shoulder, staring out the side of my glasses as the bird turned around and seemed to examine my face up close.

'Caw!' it called once, much quieter than before. Then it spread its wings and took a jump. Deimos followed suit. Both birds took off towards the front of the shrine, before banking around and crossing each other's path before swooping past someone like Mocking Birds dive bombing a cat.

My blood about froze.

That person was none other than Kunzite.

Shit.

SHIT!

What the hell is he doing here? There shouldn't be any reason for him to-

No, you make ripples remember? Don't freak out. He doesn't know anything. With all the 'evil aura' Senbei puts off, combined with your appearance, it should be no surprise. He's probably here investigating it.

Because last time that ripple was felt, 'someone' killed Zoicite.

And that someone, was me. And if he finds out it was me, I'm in for a very painful death unless I can kill him first.

Now, the question is: What is he going to figure out if he hangs around here long enough?

The less he knows the better. And the less time he spends around here, the less he knows. So it would probably be a good idea to run him off before Rei gets home, or before Luna gets out of the bath. Ideally, I should kill him right now if I can find an opening. He'd never see it coming from a random stranger.

But I can't just go and kill him in broad daylight...

As I watched, Kunzite made no motion to hide his presence, or even his nature. He just stood there, in the middle of the walkway, dressed in his gray and grayer uniform with that cape, arms crossed. A pair of tourists entering the shrine caught his attention and his head just followed them until the gaze unnerved the young man, who quickly put his arm around his girl friend or wife, and quickly increased their pace.

Yeah, he just reeks of 'Don't Fuck With Me' in colossal amounts. And that's what makes him so dangerous.

I wonder how close you can get to this guy before he raises his guard.

Poking at the fire in the stove one more time, I turned and glanced again. Kunzite's gaze was still following the couple. I really don't like how that looks.

Fighting a slowly climbing shot of adrenaline making my already unsettled stomach twist into knots, I steeled myself for a plan of action. If anything so much as HINTS at going wrong, I close the distance as fast as I can and try to take his head off before he really knows what's going on. I won't have time to fish mossy out of my pocket. And I won't get more than one shot.

Clicking the dial on the suit, I raised it to four X. If my weak ass self could knock Zoicite down with a strike, I should be able to at least stun Kunzite with four times that strength, long enough for me to try and cripple him.

And don't forget the portal itself is effectively a weapon... One good swipe if I'm close enough and he's headless.

Turning towards him, I began walking at a determined gate.

Kunzite continued to watch the couple for a few seconds before he shifted his gaze to me. Yet he made no motion to indicate he even cared. Closing to what I felt was the right distance to not have to shout, I opened my mouth.

"Can I help you, sir?"

Kunzite didn't answer, though as I closed to just around where I guessed would be lunging range, he uncrossed his arms. That ended up being my indicator to roll to a stop.

"Are you lost?" I continued. "You look dressed for a cosplay shop or something. You won't find one around here."

Kunzite just turned to look up in a nearby tree where Phobos and Deimos were currently perched, watching the situation. After a moment, he let his gaze fall back to me. In that time I had shifted my weight and crossed my arms so as to come across as VERY alert, if not impatient.

"No," he continued at last. Somehow, I was expecting his voice to be deep and resonant, like James Earl Jones. I mean, so far everyone's voice had a slightly different sound than to what I was used to hearing, but not too far off from what you would expect. Luna sounded neither like a little girl the way her Japanese voice actress made her sound, nor that British nanny voice used in the dub. It just somehow, fit.

Yet, instead of some kind of dominating villainous tone, Kunzite sounded... Rather girly. Not female girly, but girly-man girly. Like 'Ahnold' was going to come up the stairs at any moment and go: 'LOOK AT YOU! YOU ARE WEAK AND FLABBY!' But it was obvious visually that he was rather tough and foreboding.

Really though, just hearing his voice for the first time deflated a lot of the sense of dread I was getting out of this guy. And if it was anything I could use at the moment, it was a little extra confidence when dealing with this powerhouse.

"State your business then," I continued curtly. Kunzite flashed me a quick glance again, looking slightly annoyed. I guess he wasn't used to people who'd get right up in his face.

"I'm visiting a shrine," he commented softly. "Is there something wrong with that?"

"Normally no," I continued, fishing for an excuse. "But with everything that's happened around here, now is not really the best time to hang around looking like Mister Sinister. People are already on edge as it is. And that costume of yours isn't helping. Neither is the staring."

Kunzite turned his head, recrossing his arms. He seemed to regard my statement the same way someone would regard the feelings of a mosquito.

"Do you know what happened here then?" he asked.

"Eh," I turned and glanced around the shrine. The couple was up at the rope doing their thing. "Bunch of crazy stuff really. First there was the busses a few months ago. That really spooked people. Then last week there was some kind of big fight."

"Fight?" Kunzite's eyes narrowed.

"Yeah," I nodded. "Big one. And not just any fight either. I hear it involved those Sailor Senshi girls. Got pretty nasty, and there's still a few spots-"

I waved around.

"-Where the damage hasn't been cleaned up yet. That's got people even more on edge. They're saying the shrine is attracting trouble. The shrine keeper even thinks there's an evil spirit left over from the battle. He's around here somewhere, no doubt trying to hunt it down and exorcise it."

I gave Kunzite a moment to process this as the couple from a moment ago finished up their business and turned to leave. As they came by, I could almost feel Kunzite's eyes turn to follow them. When I made eye contact with the young man as he eyed us, I simply nodded and smiled confidently. The young man seemed to acknowledge that I had things 'under control' by returning a slightly relieved smile of his own as he hurriedly helped his girlfriend past.

"So the Senshi had a fight," Kunzite continued once the couple was retreating down the stairs.

"That's what I hear," I continued. Kunzite's scowl simply deepened, and without so much as a thank you, turned to leave. Man, what a jerk. But I guess that was easier than I thought.

Wait a second...

Kunzite just bought everything I said hook, line, and sinker. He didn't even QUESTION the authenticity of what I was saying.

I wonder how much total crap I could feed him... How much complete bullshit he'd believe was the truth, considering his lack of understanding 'modern' culture.

Idea...

As Kunzite turned away, I parsed my brain for something fitting, something absurd and over the top to feed him.

"I heard a Jedi was there," I stated before the idea really formed in my head.

Kunzite stopped and turned, his brow furrowed in confusion.

"A Jedi?" he asked.

"Yeah," I continued, grasping at threads to keep this idea going. Now that I opened my big mouth, I was obligated to follow through, or die trying. "A Jedi."

"What's a Jedi?" Kunzite asked.

And with that simple question, the idea started to snowball.

"You've never heard of a Jedi?" I asked, then snorted. "Where have you BEEN man?"

"What, is a Jedi?" he asked more forcefully.

"You really don't know?" I asked.

"No."

I'm SO going to enjoy this...

"A Jedi is your worst nightmare," I began. "Those Sailor Senshi girls? They're nothing next to one of these."

"Impossible," the general growled, shooting me a look of shock.

"Hardly," I replied. "Those Senshi girls... Far as I can tell, they're just children. A Jedi is more like a living incarnation of DEATH. Most are traveling warriors, hopping from planet to planet, system to system, looking for evils. And when they find something worth fighting, they clean house. And they love their job. If a Jedi chose to reveal itself here in Tokyo, you can bet he'll show himself again... At the very moment he strikes."

Kunzite looked around cautiously. Oh god, he's really buying that story? Hah! If it's this easy, I'm going to leave him a paranoid gibbering wreck. Just give me half an hour. (If I can keep it together that long that is.) After a moment of glancing about, Kunzite took a step closer to me, closer than he'd been before, then leaned in.

After another quick glance around, he asked.

"How does one go about fighting something like this... Jedi?"

This was getting easier and easier to pull off by the second. A million ideas to make this the highest premium nightmare jet fuel possible started dancing in my head. I might as well make this GOOD.

"FIGHT ONE?" I asked in a loud voice, forcing Kunzite to lean away for a second.

"I suppose if you wanted to commit suicide a Jedi would be a really efficient way to die," I continued. "A Jedi's a frickin' MACHINE. Trained in hand to hand combat, trained in magic. Some wield a sword made of pure light. All of them are fast, all of them can teleport. You can hit them with a nuke and it only makes them angry. These guys fight monsters that can level cities, and come out of the fight dusting their hands off. Most people would call it an epic battle. Jedi just call it Tuesday. There's a saying: If you want to kill every last evil thing on the planet, accept no substitutes."

Kunzite was unnerved. I could see it in his eyes as he grit his teeth. I think I might just be able to buy the Senshi some time to get organized if I get him to start jumping at shadows.

"Are you certain they're this powerful?" he asked.

"I haven't even gotten to the really nasty part yet," I replied.

"And that is?"

I looked around, checking how many of the tourists were still around, then wagged my finger. Kunzite leaned in. Man, as close as he was now, I practically had a free kill. Just zip open my portal, bring my arm around while he's still registering the sound. And, as the Queen of Hearts once said 'Off with his head!'

Still, too many tourists. I kill him, and this place becomes ground zero for a full-scale homicide investigation. I don't think Old Man Hino or Rei would appreciate that...

"The worst part," I continued in a low tone. "Is Jedi Precognition."

Kunzite's breath caught in his throat.

"Precognition?" he hissed. "They're seers?" He seemed to recognize at least what it meant.

"They can sense the immediate future," I nodded. "You can't ambush a Jedi, he can sense it. You can't sneak up on a Jedi, he knows you're coming. You might as well paint yourself in neon lettering and run screaming at him for all the good it'll do."

"And a Jedi was HERE?" he asked. I wonder if Kunzite realizes how badly he's blowing his own cover. It's not like he was trying to hide it or anything, but...

"That's what I heard," I shrugged. "I guess all the strange events in the last few months finally got the attention of one. The poor bastard who got his ass handed to him probably never even knew what hit him. A Jedi Knight lives to destroy malicious creatures and corrupted, evil men. You can bet that whoever's behind the weird events as of late is on this guy's hit list. And if that's the case, my only advice to them would be to go crawl under a rock in the deepest, darkest hole they can find. Suck their thumb. And pray to whatever deity they happen to worship that the Jedi gets bored and heads elsewhere to look for demons to fight."

I suddenly had this urge to bust out laughing as Kunzite actually turned away to chew on his glove. I couldn't help it. I had the dark general believing that Zoicite was taken out by some kind of legendary warrior that made Sailor Moon look like a child playing pretend. All because he thought I was just some random gullible human.

Kunzite just looked around again, this time actually looking like he was expecting to get jumped any second. That's right! Be afraid! Be VERY afraid! The BoogieMan is out there.

"This is grave news," he muttered at last.

"What?" I asked, pretending to be dumb. "A Jedi? Only if you're some kind of top general for the forces of darkness. And even if you were, all I really have to say is... Sucks to be you."

Kunzite shot me a completely unmasked glare at that remark. Yeah, he wasn't even TRYING to hide his position. I did my very best to keep a straight face. If he so much as SUSPECTS anything, I'm in deep shit.

"I must report this immediately," he continued, collecting his composure. "Your knowledge was most... Informative."

"Whatever," I shrugged.

Kunzite eyed me one more time, then spun about to leave, somehow managing to swirl his cape in the process. The flamboyance of that act was enough to make me want to take one last parting shot, however childish.

"Hey," I snapped. "One thing..."

Kunzite turned around.

"If you really want to go for the dark commander motif, lose the cape. Only idiots wear those."

Kunzite scowled.

"I'm just saying," I raised my hands. "They get caught on missiles, stuck in doors, sucked into turbofans. Such a wonderful way to die, sucked into a jet engine. Caught by thirty thousand foot pounds of moving air passing over a spinning disk of titanium blades leading into an scorching inferno before spitting your charred and shredded carcass out the back."

Kunzite snorted, then turned to begin walking down the steps.

"Don't be absurd," he commented before he turned the corner. A small hiss indicated something happening, most likely a teleport.

I waited there for thirty seconds, then slowly let the breath I wasn't aware I was holding out.

Then I started to laugh, a short, shallow series of unsteady chirping laughs that sounded more at home coming from a madman than from myself.

Did I really do what I think I just did? Did I just... just. Did I just trick a dark general like him into believing the most absurd load of bullshit since that plan with Hild? Seriously? Was that me? That was the most insane, off the cuff, STUPID, short sighted, absurd, and totally hilarious half-prank, half-information warfare stunt every pulled in the history of EVER. And I should be ashamed of myself for even THINKING about it.

"Heheheh," I continued to gain momentum in my fit of insane giggles. "Oooh... I'm either a dumbass, or a fucking genius... Heh... And if I tell Washu what I just did, she'll probably rule out the latter."

As I continued to laugh, I could feel my body shaking. I had several good chances during that whole exchange where I could have easily eliminated Kunzite before he even knew what was going on. I mentioned once before about how bad a toll restraining myself from such actions really took. Combined with the overall dread, and the fear that he could at any moment, realize I was playing him for a fool. Well, it wasn't quite as bad as when I had that grenade primed in Jail's base. But it was close.

I continued to stand there, trying to relax my breathing. Yeah, okay, I'm better now. Nothing to worry about, everyone's safe for now. The situation is under control, the enemy has moved on, there's no-

Something touched my arm.

My brain blanked. I don't even remember what I did. Only that one second I was upright, the next I was on my back.

"It's okay," Hino snapped from above my head. "Calm down!"

I realized a moment later I must have spun and lunged in my panic, and he must have countered.

The old man looked at me seriously as I worked to sit up.

"I felt him the moment he appeared," Hino continued, motioning towards the main steps. "Evil flows from him like water from a faucet. I was trying to figure out how I could run him off when you intercepted him."

"He looked creepy," I huffed. "He seemed like trouble."

"Creepy nothing," Hino responded. "You tried to take my head off. If I hadn't expected it after watching how bad you were shaking, you might have succeeded. That's not how someone responds to 'he looked creepy', that's how someone responds to 'It's trying to kill me'."

I simply sat there, huffing.

"You know something about him," he continued. It was a statement, not a question.

"Dangerous doesn't even begin to cover it," I admitted.

Hino nodded.

"Come on," the old man continued. "We need to talk."

I rotated to my knees and forced myself up, remembering when I wobbled unsteadily that I was idling at four times my physical strength and running the timer down. Shutting that down, I turned to follow Hino as he walked over to, as best as I could identify it, the 'deck' surrounding the shrine house proper. I don't know if it had a name specific to it or not. After he sat down on the top step, Hino reached over, grabbed a bottled water and tossed it to me.

"Here," he stated as I clumsily caught it. "That's about all you're going to keep down right now, and you need to stay hydrated in that condition."

"Thanks," I broke open the seal and started drink, and like always, didn't realize just how thirsty I was until I was half way through the bottle.

"Now perhaps you can tell me what's going on," Hino stated as I came up for air. "I'd really like to know why you were in my home a week ago, aiming a firearm at me."

"Heh," I laughed. "I was wondering when you'd get to that."

"I left it out of the argument this morning. I didn't want to drag Rei into that."

"Figured you were playing dumb," I looked over to the shorter man next to me.

"You'd be surprised how useful that can be," Hino nodded. "Especially around Rei. Last week was not one of those times though."

"Yeah, sorry about that,' I sighed. "I was a bit paranoid."

"So I noticed," Hino replied. "I'm sure you've got quite the story to tell.

"I wouldn't even know where to start with you," I gave the old man a wry smirk. Really, what would I tell him first about this insanity?

"How about you start with the part where my granddaughter is Sailor Mars," the old man stated calmly.

I paused, for just a second, then glanced at Hino. He just raised his eyebrows.

I expected him to know something, hell I expected him to know... well, THAT. But the way he so casually stated it. I glanced around once just to make sure some of the local tourists weren't really in earshot.

After a moment, I just looked at him again, before letting my head drop into my hands.

"I knew it," I shook my head. "I knew you knew something."

"I know a lot of things," Hino shrugged. "Comes with Old Man Territory."

"So," I asked. "How'd you find out?"

Hino smirked.

"You think my Granddaughter is so slick that she could hide something like THAT from me?" he asked. "I recognized something was up the day she attained her... I guess you could say 'abilities'. A new set of friends, a new routine, a change in her behavior in the last few months."

"Attention to detail," I shook my head.

"Oh I wasn't entirely sure at first," Hino shrugged. "She's done a good job of keeping her newfound status to herself. But I had my suspicions."

"So how'd you confirm it?" I asked.

"She told me this morning," he smirked.

My face screwed up as I turned to look at the man. I recall no such conversation ever occurring.

"Okay," I crossed my arms. "I call bullshit. I may be sick, but I'm not deaf. She said no such thing."

"Do you remember what happened last week?" Hino asked.

"Yeah," I shrugged. "I'd rather not though."

"Neither would I," Hino admitted.

I looked at him, then furrowed my brow and-

"You REMEMBER?" I snapped around.

"All of it," Hino's face had suddenly gone very white. "Every horrifying second of it as I tried to rip my own Granddaughter apart. The beast had subverted my body, but I was awake the entire time. Do you have any idea what it's like to watch your own hands trying to kill the ones you love?"

I couldn't say I have. I've never been subject to mind control, Mr. Hyde transformations, or host to evil demonic horrors. So I'm kind of lacking in experience there, and anything really functional to say.

"I thought it was a nightmare," the old man turned to me. "I woke up in my bed. I figured I had a really bad dream. Rei had gone to school. All this Sailor Senshi business, probably all in my head."

"Except," I shook my head. "Bullet holes, and blast marks, and damaged landscaping."

"You'd be amazed what you can deny when you put your mind to it," Hino shook his head in unison.

So Grampa Hino remembered every sickening second of that firefight I had with Zoicite, as well as the fight we had directly with him afterwards. I thought it all the monsterfied victims passed out and forgot what happened after they got healed...

Maybe it's because he didn't get 'healed'. He got exorcised. Big time. Sailor Moon didn't get there in time to give him his dose of white magic happy fluffy no-monster rays. We broke out the military grade, anti-demon exorcism techniques and triumphed on a wing and a prayer.

"So," I began. "When Rei mentioned that I saved your life this morning..."

Hino nodded.

"I realized," he continued. "That everything that happened, really did happen. Rei, begging me to come back to my senses. That demon-man's laugh. And then the shock in the monster's mind when you opened fire with your weapon. "

"I almost blew it when I hesitated," I sighed. "I've never killed a man in my life."

"That was no man," Hino looked at me. "That was a monster. And he had turned me into a monster. When you aimed that weapon at me, I was screaming for you to do it inside."

"She wouldn't let me," I replied.

"I saw," Hino nodded and turned back. "But you should have anyway. I would rather lay down my life than let my Granddaughter die. Especially at my own hands."

"That would have destroyed her," I replied. "You're all she has."

"She has her friends," the old man commented. "She has you."

I scoffed.

"Me?" I asked. "I'm a good decade older than her, and she barely knows me at all. I doubt she has even a full six hours of contact with me."

Not to mention the ever so interesting measure of my world jumping, and the fact that she's entertainment back home.

Hino looked over at me.

"You went out of your way not to kill me on her pleas alone," he scowled. "Don't think you can out guess this old man, I was watching your every move. If you had run out of options, you would have emptied that weapon without second thought."

Then he sighed, and smiled.

"I may not know much about you, but I know a good man when I see one. So don't pretend you wouldn't have done it if you felt that was the only option. If you really thought she was in danger, you wouldn't have hesitated. And for that, I think I can trust you."

"I'm getting a lot of sappy lines out of people lately," I rolled my eyes. I hope this doesn't degenerate into an emotional dump.

"And why shouldn't you?" Hino asked. "Look at what you did. Who else can claim that? I don't know what you were doing here to begin with, but as far as I'm concerned, that doesn't matter. You've done good boy. That outweighs anything else."

"I didn't do much," I tried to counter.

"You did enough," Hino replied sternly. "Don't cheapen it by trying to be humble."

Humble? Compared to some of the people I've already met in the last week, killing a monster might be the easiest thing I've done.

"You don't even BEGIN to understand the full scope of things," I shook my head.

"Do you?" he asked.

I sighed long and slow. Dark Kingdom, Dark Moon, Aliens, Death Busters, Pharaoh Ninety, Dead Moon Circus, Nehelenia, Galaxia... And that's just THIS universe. Let's not get into my travels in detail, I could make a story out of it.

"Yeah," I continued. "I do."

"Then that's good enough," Hino continued. "I won't ask about the details. But I would like you to do one thing for me."

"And what's that?" I asked.

"Keep her safe," Hino put his hand on my shoulder. "I can't do that any more. I'm too old, and she's already so much stronger than I am. Last week made that crystal clear."

There was a momentary pause before I went back to downing the rest of the water the old man had given me. I needed a few seconds to think. Unfortunately, the remains of the water didn't give me more than a few seconds. This situation was getting more and more complicated.

"I wish it were easier," I replied after swallowing. "I've barely managed to keep myself alive. And I'd be lying if I told you I was any stronger."

"Do your best then," Hino shook my shoulder once. "Sometimes that's all you can hope for."

"I'll promise you this much," I turned and frowned. "It's not going to end badly. I won't let it."

Because if all else fails, I'm a right cheating bastard who refuses to lose to a bunch of generic two-dimensional villains with the collective IQ of a box of rocks.

"Very good," Hino responded, then he seemed to relax a little. "One other thing though."

"What's that?" I asked.

"Don't tell Rei I know," he continued. "Don't tell any of those girls I know. They're not quite professional enough yet. They'll just worry, and that will distract them."

"Yeah that's probably for the better." I agreed. "The situation's complicated enough without them being distracted."

"And don't tell the cat-girl, Luna, either," he added. "Poor dear probably has enough worries trying to keep up with what's going on."

"You know THAT too?" I asked. "How did you even, I don't-"

"Deduction," Hino looked at me. "Usagi has the most peculiar cat. Yellow crescent moon on her forehead. She always follows the girl around. I've never seen a cat that acts like that. Then you appear, disappear, the cat disappears. You come back, so does the cat. The cat follows you around, and then sits at the door like she's keeping an eye on you. That cat acts more human than some humans I've met do. That tends to stand out."

"So how did you?" I continued. "I mean, make the connection between the two?"

"Isn't it obvious?" he asked. "There's that overly human-acting cat in the room when I leave. There's a loud bang, and there's no longer a cat when I run back in there. Instead there's a girl. A girl who claims she walked right past me. I only let her get away with it because I wanted to get you alone to talk."

I shook my head, and examined my water bottle, then tipped it up to try and get a few more drops out of it.

"Here," Hino grabbed up another water bottle and handed it to me.

"Thanks," I nodded, then broke the seal and started downing it too.

After a moment I came up for air and just stared into the chilly morning at some of the tourists.

"So now what?" I asked.

"Eh," Hino shrugged. "I don't know. But if you need help with anything, just ask."

I nodded and thought for a second, then turned to Hino again.

"Know where I could trade some gold for some cash?" I asked. "I need to get some shopping done."

"There's a pawn shop in Shinagawa," the old man replied. "Been there since I was a kid."

"Cool," I replied simply. That's one thing on my list. Gold for money, money for shopping, shopping for necessities.

"Hey one thing," I turned to the old man. "Last week... You recognized how I was holding my weapon."

"I know a soldier when I see one," Hino responded curtly. "It's the way you carry yourself."

"So how do you know that?" I asked.

Hino turned to me, and looked me dead in the eye.

"I was young when the fire bombings occurred here," he stated simply. "I have seen a LOT of soldiers in my time."

"Oh," I looked away. That's not an issue I should touch.

"That was a long time ago," he stated after a moment. "Time heals all wounds."

Several minutes of silence followed and I downed the rest of my water bottle to keep my big mouth shut. The silence was only broken when Luna came padding out.

"Do I have this on right?" she asked.

Hino turned to examine her, and switched right from serious to goofy mode. I almost had to do a double take. I hardly recognized the 'girl'. She was wearing one of Rei's outfits. Those robes with the weird name I forgot. What did the old man call it? Hakane, Hakame? I forget. They were a little off size, I think. Luna's hands didn't quite come out of the sleeves. Luna's hair was also tied back into one long ponytail instead of what seemed to be her default style.

The effect was stunning. Luna was adorably cute in that outfit. I couldn't help but smirk knowing probably hundreds of people who would kill for the chance to be standing here right now. Maybe I should fish my camera out the next chance I get and grab a snapshot.

"My dear," Hino began around that goofy face of his. "You look lovely like that."

"Do I?" Luna blushed and quickly spun around. "I don't think it fits quite right."

Well, it IS Rei's.

"What do you think?" the Felis Sapien asked.

I placed my hand on my chin and pursed my lips as if in thought, Luna's smile faded just a bit as I sat there 'hmmm'ing.

"Yeah," I nodded as if coming to a serious conclusion. Then I inhaled flamboyantly and stuck my thumb up.

"Looks good to me," I stated in a tone that was half way between a whisper and normal.

"Really?" Luna smiled and giggled slightly. I guess that bath really made her feel better than I expected.

"Well," I shrugged, looking around, and found Phobos and Deimos watching from a nearby tree again. "You could always ask the birds."

And with that, I spun to the two crows.

"What do you two think?"

Phobos (Deimos?) turned its head sideways, then craned its neck until it was almost looking at Luna upside down. Then Deimos (Phobos?) bounced a half a foot to the right on the branch.

'Caw!' they both snapped loudly.

"I think we have a winner," I announced as I spun back around. And I almost started laughing again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Chapter Title: Operation Menchi, is a two-piece reference.
> 
> The name 'Menchi', is a bastardization of the phrase Mince Meat as it is used in the anime: Excel Saga. It is the name of Excel's "Emergency Food Supply", which is best described as some kind of... dog. You feel for Menchi. Menchi is kinda' smart. 
> 
> Because of the bastardization of the phrase, the second reference of the title is actually Operation Mince Meat from World War II, which involved using a corpse with false documents as a misinformation operation against the Axis.
> 
> The operation was an unbelievable success.


	19. Basket Case

* * *

**Chapter nineteen: Basket Case**

_"The other line moves faster."_

_-Etorre's Observation_

* * *

 

[Tokyo, the city of ten million people, plus.](https://youtu.be/TLE3zgg73lM?t=31s)

I think.

Timeline discrepancies and universe hops make being certain about anything a little up in the air. Luckily, it still appeared to be Tokyo far as I could tell. Granted, having never actually been to Tokyo in my life, that's not saying much, now is it?

Now, for anyone who's ever gotten lost in a large city. Consider yourself lucky that when you get lost, you have at least some idea of where you are. Where you want to be. And most importantly, can actually read the signs.

That was the first, biggest thing I noticed when we left Hikawa. When looking for an area called Shinagawa, actually being able to identify locations might just be desirable, if not preferable. And considering how Washu's language program seems to have gone on strike at some point. The best I could do was struggle with bits of hiragana like a three-year-old in the Library of Congress.

Luckily for me, I had Luna to act as my navigation and 'translator' when it came to this sort of thing.

This did not make me any happier.

Partially because Luna thought it was funny to get me turned around a little which I pointed out wasn't quite so easy considering I navigated by landmark... But mostly because it was friggin' COLD and I was running around in a short sleeve shirt.

Now you might make the comment right about now: 'Isn't Washu's suit keeping you warm?'

But that's where I would point out that I was not currently wearing the damn thing. Why?

Easy, it was soaking wet.

Short version is this. Once Luna had shown up on the, I guess you could call it 'porch' looking like a diabetes-inducing ball of cute in a Miko outfit, I had taken my leave to get my own quick bath. You know, two days without one and all...

If you remember how it worked out the first time I stripped the suit off for a bath... Well, that was just a few hours of work.

This time the funk almost killed me. If I hadn't already puked up the entire contents of my stomach before hand, it was likely that I would have done so right then and there. You think your clothes stink when they're dirty? Man, this thing hugs the skin, and doesn't breathe. I think the closest analogue to the smell would be spending a week in a fiberglass cast in a warm, humid environment.

It reeked so badly I gave myself the twice over to make sure I wasn't sporting any Gangrene. Thank GOD it seals. Er... Thank Washu.

Actually, same thing now that I think about it.

Once I had my bath, and actually looked like I was somewhat human again, I remembered how Hino mentioned he hadn't used the bath water for laundry yet. A quick shouted question and a confirmation later, and that stink factory was under water. I apologize to later items of the laundry, but this was for a good cause.

Once it was clean, I opted to hang it up upside down to dry, rather than risk wearing that thing soaking wet. I'm thinking that part of the reek was because I had put it back on shortly after I washed it the first time, without letting it dry all the way out.

I think I can get away with not having it on for a few hours. I went a week without it after all.

Mind you, I'm not mentioning that point aloud. You know how that works.

Needless to say, I was internally regretting the decision before very long. I had underestimated just how much the suit was really keeping the wind chill from being a real factor, and I figured I'd be snug and warm in a jacket soon enough.

Soon enough was not soon enough. Even though the walk was only two miles, two miles on foot is a long way.

"Yeah dumb move," I admitted as I stepped out of a place called 'Suga Shichiya', then immediately shivered from a gust of cold wind. "Luna, scold me."

"Er," Luna began as she followed me out onto the sidewalk. "What?"

"NeverBRRR..." I shivered. It's GOT to be getting colder. It's what? FORTY? "Okay, I need to get a jacket before we do ANYTHING else. Or we'll be having Rei defrost me the hard way."

"You want this?" Luna motioned to the outfit she was wearing. "I could always change back-"

"No," I interrupted. "I'll be fine. Besides, I don't think it'll fit me, and I might draw a little too much attention."

Luna looked around.

"More attention then it already is?" She asked. I followed her gaze to a guy who quickly looked away.

"Different kind of attention I think," I replied. "You're cute in that... Me? Not so much."

Luna smiled and blushed; I was admittedly getting a kick out of causing that reaction with almost clockwork ease with every compliment I gave her. I mean, hey, I tell it like it is. Luna WAS cute. What do you want me to say?

Trouble of course, was that she might be a bit TOO cute with all the attention she'd been drawing. I'm not oblivious to the stares. Luna, for her part, couldn't decide if she was enjoying the attention, or uncomfortable like she'd been the other day.

The Miko outfit was of course, NOT typical city-wandering attire, which only fueled the fires. In fact, we probably looked a touch ridiculous now that I thought about it. A crazy stupid foreigner with no sense to put on some warm clothes and the cute Miko wandering around like a tour guide for said crazy stupid foreigner.

I should have brought Senbei with us. Then we would have looked so absurd, that we probably would have vanished right off the public spectrum.

"Well let's get you a jacket then," Luna continued after recovering her composure. "How much money did you pick up in there again?"

"About five hundred bucks," I replied.

"Buck-su?" Luna blinked.

I'm still not used to swapping terms. What's the trade off, about a hundred to one? Give or take... Carry two zeroes...

"Fifty thousand yen," I replied.

"That's all?" Luna looked at me confused. "I thought you had a lot more gold-"

"I only brought a few coins with me," I shrugged. "Did you really expect me to sell them all at once no-questions-asked? You saw how that guy looked at me. I thought he was going to call the police for a second."

Yeah. I put three gold coins on the counter and asked the pawnbroker what I could get for them. He took one look at the money that had originated from Those Who Hunt Elves and looked at me as if to say 'what scam are you trying to pull?' Luckily, that look went away when I mentioned Hino sent me here, and that all I wanted was the gold value of the coins.

Luna's Miko getup helped convince him there. Apparently he knew the place, or knew Hino, or something... Eh, old guys probably had connections to each other around here. Wouldn't surprise me in the least.

The guy broke out a test kit, and after a few minutes weighing the coins, only decided to pry slightly as to where I picked them up from.

Where they were from and how I got them were questions I had been preparing for between shivers on the walk over. Where they were from was easy. 'I don't know.'

How I got my hands on them took a little more thinking. But I settled on: 'Found them hiking back home in the states.'

That's when I got the question I wasn't expecting.

After examining the design on the coin. The broker had pointed out the coin weren't made by a mint he recognized. In fact, they didn't look like they came from a mint at all. They might be very rare, and worth a fortune to a collector. So 'why did I want to sell it for a fraction of what it might be worth?'

Honestly, for lack of a better answer I simply stated that I didn't have time to sort out how much the coins were really worth. I needed the money now.

Partially true in retrospect...

He almost didn't buy it. The guy almost refused to buy the coins from me for feeling like he was ripping me off when we didn't know their value. Even when I mentioned I had a few more back home, he refused. I wish I knew more honest people like this. Honestly, if presented with that kind of opportunity under normal circumstances, I'd find myself having a real hard time passing it up.

It was Luna who saved the day by throwing in a cute please, followed by an accidental 'nya'/'meow'/whatever, for which she immediately covered her mouth in shock. The effect was cute enough that the pawnbroker laughed and caved.

We settled on fifty thousand yen while Luna was examining a few antiques to hide her embarrassment. A far cry from what he thought they might be worth if they really were rare. But I 'wanted to be on the safe side if they were worth nothing,' (Well, since they have no historical value in this world, they really WERE worth nothing, rare or no. They'd just be considered 'fake'. But I wasn't telling him that.) So he agreed to buy them for what the normal going price for gold coins would be.

So I walked out of there with fifty thousand yen. A purchasing power of approximately five hundred bucks American as far as I am aware.

Far as I was concerned, that was more than plenty of money to take care of business today...

Ah yes, business. The culmination of two days of planning since the fiasco with Motoko. I had stuff to buy. Some essential changes in clothes, a few amenities... An electric razor that actually worked... It'll be nice to get rid of this shag carpet I'm growing on my face. Much as I hilariously draw parallels to video games, the sandpaper texture was annoying.

"Point me at the nearest department store before I turn into a frosticle," I continued. "The sooner we get there, the less I freeze."

Luna took a quick glance around, then smirked.

"Right there," she indicated with a nod.

I looked at the building the feline indicated, 'REMY' depicted in large, gratuitous English letters above the entrance.

"Convenient," I nodded, my expression no doubt saying 'typical'. Though now that I think about it, it was probably logical to have a shopping outlet here. Considering that just to the right was an elevated rail station, in the middle of a huge city.

"Come on," Luna grabbed me by the arm and pulled. Not one to be left behind freezing my ass off, I quickly took the lead.

Now, as a modern American, I've grown up around the likes of Sears, Mervin's, Wal-Mart, and various other department and grocery stores. You know, huge department 'warehouses'. I've also been to my fair share of malls.

I had never been in a store quite like this place.

REMY, or Remy's... However the name ends up working, was like a grocer meets department store meets shopping mall, crammed into an eight story building with a cross section smaller than a food court.

A quick rundown based on what I could make out of the floor map... (With Luna's help.)

First floor and basement: General Grocery.

Second floor: Household goods, and some snack shops.

Third Floor: Generic Clothing, more shops.

Fourth, fifth, sixth: Various smaller fashion shops, and lady's beauty shops.

Seventh: A bookstore.

Eighth: I'll dub this the actual 'food court' of this building.

I blanched inwardly. Three floors of fashion and beauty shops? Luna had walked me right into a building that was marketed for women in general. I almost made an about-face on principle... Until the gust of wind from the doors reminded me that further exploration of the local city would be done at my own discomfort.

Very well then... If fate wants to deal me this hand today, so be it. I don't feel good, I'm cold, I'm hungry, and I'm tired. I won't fight it. After all, I'm a guy, with a (cat) girl, in a department store marketed at women, shopping. What could possibly happen?

Mind you I'm being completely facetious here.

"I've never actually been in a store like this," Luna commented into my thoughts.

"No pets?" I asked dryly. Luna closed her eyes and sighed.

"Yeah," she admitted. "I'm used to that kind of thing."

Okay, so maybe she didn't do it on purpose, but still...

"Where to first?" Luna asked.

"Third floor," I stated in a no-nonsense tone. "That should be where they keep the jackets."

Luna shrugged, then pulled me on into the fray.

Finding a jacket was surprisingly painless. I honestly expected Luna, having been hung up on all the little aspects of her humanoid body to fall apart into a gushing shop-a-holic at any second. You know, something more akin to what Usagi might do in a store.

Luna instead made a surprisingly purposeful beeline right into the jacket section, firmly pulling me the entire way. (I admit, part of that was a result of my tendency to browse as I wander through a store, causing me to walk slower and glance around.) Once there, she took exactly three looks at me, glanced at a row of jackets each time, and then reached out and plucked one off a rack.

"Try that one," she stated.

To my surprise, the jacket fit. Slightly snug in the backside, but the arms were just the right length. This however, did nothing to make up for the price when I caught sight of it. Either my basic math skills have gone down the toilet, or this thing was about three hundred American easy...

"Ouch," I commented and quickly put the jacket back on the hanger.

"What?" Luna asked.

"I'm not buying a three-hundred dollar jacket." I stated simply. Luna blinked once.

"Thirty-thousand yen," I continued.

"Is that too much?" the catgirl asked.

"That's INSANE," I stated simply. "Three thousand yen is a better price range here. I don't need a fur coat."

"I'm not exactly an expert in pricing clothes," the Felis Sapien shrugged back.

A few more minutes of looking and I finally found something I could go with. A simple, black, zip-up jacket that was like, thirty-five hundred-yen...

"Well that was easy," Luna commented when I announced I had what I wanted. "I was thinking this was going to be harder."

"Harder?" I looked at the transformed kitty.

"I was dreading you'd start acting like Usagi in a jewelry shop with all that looking around," she returned.

"You thought I-" I began, letting a wry smirk cross my face. "I thought you-"

"Thought what?" she asked. "That I was going to act like Lazy Bones?"

Luna looked around her at the racks of jackets we were currently standing amidst.

"I wouldn't know where to START," she finished with a lost look.

I followed her head around. I guess to someone who's spent their entire life as a cat, the 'fine art' of shopping was lost on her. Still, she's got a wicked mean eye for sizing.

Something tells me that Luna's got all the makings of a killer bargain hunter. Oh, she'd get along with my mother easily... If my mother wasn't such an impulse shopper for anything that said 'SALE!'

I mean SERIOUSLY. There's bargain shopping, and there's 'why do we have this again?'

Looking back at the Miko-dressed catgirl, I realized we'd probably need a few items for her too.

"I'm going to go grab a spare set of pants," I stated informatively. "Go see if you can find one or two outfits that fit."

"Me?" she blinked. "You sure?"

"Unless you want to borrow everyone else's clothing," I returned. "Find something practical, I'll be over here."

Luna nodded and wandered towards the ladies side of the general clothing while I went over to examine things. A decent pair of black pants in my size wasn't hard to find.

Figuring out my size, however, wasn't so easy.

Yeah, I lost a bit of belly because of this whole thing. Even my current pair of pants would be loose if I hadn't been using the type with the nifty auto-adjust waistbands. Thank you George.

But finding anything similar here quickly proved to be a futile act. So I had to try on six different pairs of pants before I found the size that fit.

And everything had to be in centimeters.

When I finally had all that sorted out, I went back to check on the Felis Sapien.

I found Luna looking quite flustered while being assisted by one of the sales people. Oh no... No no no.

"You look absolutely stunning in that," the woman complimented the catgirl as I walked up behind her.

"You sure?" Luna blushed at the compliment. "I mean, I'm sure it looks nice but-"

"Of course you do," the sales lady continued to lay on the charm. "No guy could ignore you like that. It's perfect."

"And how much does it cost?" I asked. The sales lady visibly jumped in surprise, since I'd effectively pulled a Batman on her.

"This particular set is only twelve thousand yen," she smiled.

'ONLY' twelve thousand-yen she says? Yeah-no...

"We don't have the budget for that," I stated directly.

"Oh..." the woman seemed only slightly put off. I need to get rid of her. You give her any slack and she'll steam roll you-

"What do you have a budget for then?"

-Just like that...

"Not enough," I stated curtly. The woman laughed slightly.

"I know what you mean," she waved it aside as a mere joke. "We could always use a little more money, right?"

I don't have the energy for this routine. I need to dump this girl before I run out of steam. My temper is not the best when I'm already tired.

"Anyway," I continued, turning to Luna. "I think I can handle this from here. Thanks for the help."

"You sure?" the sales lady asked. "If there's something in particular you're looking for-"

"Nah," I waved. "We're good. Thanks though."

Take a clue please.

"Okay," she nodded. (THANK YOU!) "If there's anything else you need, don't hesitate to ask."

After a moment to let the lady wander off to some other sucker, I turned to Luna, who sighed.

"Thanks," she stated. "I've seen it happen to people, but I never realized how hard it is to make them stop once they get started."

"Tell me about it," I rolled my eyes. "You have to go into those conversations like you're jumping into a pool of sharks."

"I can't believe you brushed her off so easily though," Luna shook her head. "How did you-"

"I got talked into joining the Military by an Army Recruiter," I shrugged. "They're a lot more pushy."

"I'm going to apologize to Usagi about her shopping habits the next time I see her," the catgirl stated exhaustedly. Luna must be starting to wear down from all this wandering around. "I never realized she could put up with that."

"What was she trying to help you with anyway?" I asked.

"Oh," Luna perked up a little. "Size... I don't know mine."

And yet you can size me at a glance... Oy vey kitty. What am I going to do with you?

"Well let's see what the tag says," I commented through a sigh, reaching out.

Luna cooperated as I fished the tag out from the back of the neck and gave a quick glance at the unintelligible Japanese writing, and the number next to them.

"Size..." I began... "Seven? I'm guessing."

That number seems small to me. But then again, I'm in Japan.

That was about the moment it finally caught with me just how short Luna was. I hadn't noticed it before, paying attention to her feline nature more than anything. But I'd been mentally complaining about how all these teen girls were taller than me like Motoko and Ayeka, and here Luna barely comes up to my nose.

"Seven," I continued with more affirmation, letting Luna turn back around. "Let's see..."

I turned and started rifling through hangers. There were all kinds of blouses and shirts for the season.

"Let's find you a nice sweater and a pair of pants so you don't turn into a Popsicle." I continued. "If it gets any colder, you can just use my jacket."

"You sure?" Luna asked.

"Anything you're not wearing, I have to store," I pointed out. "And the suit will keep me warm anyway. Jacket's just an extra and-"

"Stop!" Luna snapped, causing me to jump.

"What?" I turned.

"Go back to that last one," she stated, walking over. I pushed a few hangers back until she stopped me at a heavy wool turtleneck. The Felis Sapien quickly reached out and turned it so she could see the front. It was white, with the outline of a simplified cat's face and- wait a second.

"Hello Kitty?" I voiced aloud. You've got to be kidding me. Seriously? How old IS that franchise?

"It's so cute!" Luna gushed. I mean, actually GUSHED. I've seen her display a lot of emotions. Most of them on par with what I'd expect from the kitty. I've even seen her downright angry, and 'acting' all cutesy. But this was the first time I saw Luna actually act like a... Well, like girl over anything.

Then again, it's a catgirl, gushing over Hello Kitty merchandise. I should have known.

"How much is it?" she asked quickly, fishing for the price tag.

"More importantly," I began. I'm pretty certain it wasn't as expensive as the absurdly overpriced blouse she was currently trying on. "How big is it?"

Luna pulled the hanger off the rack and quickly examined it. Then her face fell.

"Twelve," she pouted. Way too big...

It was one of those moments where I just can't resist being the nice guy. Something that actually made under appreciated kitty smile like that. And then the mood-whiplash... I just won't have it! There's got to be another Hello Kitty sweater in this mess. There's ALWAYS another sweater. In ten million different sizes, in eight different colors, including eye-searing hot pink...

"Keep looking," I advised, rapidly going through hangers. I did indeed find a hot pink one, but it was size nine, so I glossed over it. I'd rather avoid that color if at all possible.

Several minutes of frantic (at least, as frantic as my sloth-like shopping ever gets) searching through dozens of shirts, and just when I was about to give up and go back to that size nine half way back up the rack, Luna emerged with a huge grin on her face.

"Found one!" she announced triumphantly. Another customer, who'd wandered into the section, looked at her in a rather startled fashion as she all but skipped over to me.

"Awesome," I announced in English, stopping only to shrug at the random person. From what I could see, the sweater was all but identical to the one she first found.

"I've got to try this on," Luna all but beamed. I wonder if now would be a good moment to point out how much like Usagi she was acting. Then again, she found something she liked. I'm not about to spoil it.

I managed to keep Luna from practically racing to the change room long enough to sort out a decent pair of dress pants. Or three candidates... But only just. In doing so, I'd managed to get a view on the price tag for the Hello Kitty sweater. It was an even three thousand yen, which as far as I could tell, seemed about right for a heavy shirt with a franchise plastered all over it.

Taking a mental inventory while Luna changed, I quickly summed up a change of clothes for Luna, a change of pants and a jacket for me. My 'Short Math' on this was thirty, thirty, twenty, twenty... Give or take. Given some of the other things I had to buy, the first ten thousand yen was decent in budget. An electric razor was probably going to cost me forty-to-sixty bucks...

I keep parsing things into dollars...

There were a few other odds and ends I needed to add on top of my current list.

For one thing, a notebook... With all the various things I've been doing, I'm starting to have a hard time keeping track of everything and everyone by memory alone. I'm usually real good about tracking things mentally, but even I have my limits. And given my current situation, and the number of times I've wished to be able to write things down, it was becoming one of those 'cheap but invaluable' little things.

Then of course, there's hygiene. Like a toothbrush and toothpaste to brush these scuzzies... Or at least some mouthwash so I don't kill anyone with my breath.

Off the top of my head, that was really all I could think of at the moment. I'm sure before long I'd have a full purchase order of various tools.

"Hey," Luna's voice came though the door, sounding calmer again. "I have a question."

"What's up?" I asked.

"I was just thinking," Luna continued. "What are we going to do about Usagi?"

"What about her?" I asked.

"Well," Luna continued. "She IS the princess. And all this time she's been right under my nose. I was thinking, wondering. How should I tell her?"

Tell Usagi? Well, originally, she got her memory forcefully jump-started in the middle of battle by having her 'One True Love' impaled on a crystal spear courtesy of a one psychotic asshole, and a magic plot device. The whole sequence of events more or less dumped a lifetime's worth of memories into her head, and left her an exhausted wreck. Too unmotivated initially to try and do anything when Mamouru AKA Endymion, was then subsequently kidnapped.

It took Rei dishing out some good ol' Tough Love to get her to snap out of it. And once she recovered, Usagi pretty much didn't seem at all like a princess. To the point even the villains couldn't believe it.

Of course, said psychotic asshole was now dead, and part of the magic plot device is out of range. Telling Usagi might jumpstart her memory or it might not. Given how she acted even with her princess memories surfacing...

"I don't think you should tell her just yet," I commented.

"But she's the princess," Luna replied. "I've been looking all over for her. She's GOT to know."

"And she'll find out soon enough," I shrugged, learning against the wall next to the change room door. "Just not yet."

"Why, though?" Luna asked.

"Because." I shrugged. "You tell that girl she's a princess, and it's going to go straight to her head."

There was a long, silent pause, punctuated by Luna making an odd sound.

"Oh good grief," she stated. "You're right. She's hard enough to handle as it is. If we tell her now, her ego will be unbearable. I mean, now that I think about it... I watched those episodes with Sasami. Usagi was driven to distraction and constantly off task. She practically walked right into every trap with a smile. That girl has no concept of how straight up the Dark Kingdom wants to kill her."

"That brings up another issue," I commented after a moment. "If the princess is known, the Dark Kingdom is going to go gunning for her. They find out-"

I paused and made sure nobody was within' earshot. Then lowered my voice.

"They find out Sailor Moon and the Princess are one in the same, then that pretty much puts a bullzeye on her back the size of Alaska."

"That's even worse," Luna agreed. "So I definitely agree. We shouldn't tell her just yet."

"At least not until we find a way to give Metallia thermonuclear enema," I replied.

"I'm afraid I don't know what that means," Luna replied.

"Just imagine what Metallia did to the Lunar Palace returned a hundred thousand fold in an instant," I replied.

"Ouch..."

"I like firepower," I smirked at the kitty's response. "If I could get my hands on Sailor Saturn's Silence Glaive, all the better. Nothing like a little bit of Can-Opener-O-Mass-Destruction to make everyone's day all that much better."

"SATURN?" Luna's voice returned in a mild surprise. "I remember Pluto because of the video, but Saturn? My memory must be sketchier than I thought."

The door opened to the changing stall and Luna stepped out.

"How do I look?" she asked, looking over the sweater a few times and turning around in place.

My honest opinion? Just like the Miko outfit, she looked so cute I wanted to stuff her with cotton and stick her on a shelf. She was so cute it was dangerous. Of course, since I don't say that kind of thing aloud, I had to mull on my response for a few seconds.

"It's definitely you," I nodded, giving her another thumbs up. Actually, a cat, wearing a cat logo, that does kind of go together.

Luna smiled giddily before turning and disappearing back into the change room. As soon as she did so, I let my shoulders slouch. Trying to look alive was starting to get exhausting.

"Just how many Senshi are there?" she asked behind the door. "If my memory is really that bad, I mean."

"Nine," I commented idly. "Though the way the timeline's going, you won't see the other half for at least another year. And given how goofed up the timeline is already because of me, Pluto must-"

I stopped.

"Pluto must what?" Luna's voice asked.

The way I've totally fucked over the timeline... Pluto, PLUTO! Oh SHIT! I forgot! She's the guardian of the gates of time. And I've effectively screwed the timeline up something fierce. With the future she's trying to protect, my presence must be driving her up the wall!

"CRAP," I swore under my breath.

This complicates things even more. There's a very specific future in mind, and they're willing to damn near start a TIME WAR to make sure it happens.

I was almost tempted to call up Washu and inform her that there WAS a very good reason for me to get this timeline in order. But at the same time, something else struck me as odd.

Despite the amount of time I've spent here, and knowing Pluto's abilities, I haven't seen anyone who might fit Setsuna's characteristics. And nobody with a big assed key-like staff has tried to catch me in an alley. Given what she's trying to protect, I SHOULD have seen her by now, if only to warn me.

The fact that I haven't tells me one of two things.

One: She is unwilling to act.

Two: She is unable to act.

Actually, I would say TWO... I'm not an expert in timeline manipulation. But at the very least, knowing about it, I would certainly inform Pluto at some later date to drop a message back in time to inform me that she is merely choosing not to act. Assuming I was around or alive to do so.

Now that I think about it, that might even be assuming she's willing to oblige me, or that I remember in the first place...

Okay, I now fully understand why Washu warned me not to think about timelines. This is HARD.

Best bet. Plan for the worst, hope for the best. I must assume situation two; Pluto is unable to act due to alien space bats, time distortions, stasis locks, or straight up being dead. If that is the case, then I must also assume that her timeline fuckery, like sending Chibi-Usa back, won't happen. That means that potentially, the whole Dark Moon fiasco may not happen.

Now I have another reason to want that notebook, I need to write down and plot out how many of the future scenarios are completely thrown out the window. It seems suddenly, that the plot of the latter three seasons formed a kind of self-stable time loop with the future. On their own, they'd fix themselves right up. But with me in the middle to introduce completely unknown factors, the outcome is in complete disarray.

"Hey," Luna emerged from the change room in the Miko clothing she started with. "What's the matter?"

"I just nailed down another problem," I returned. "All the timeline stuff that you guys are subject to is completely trashed."

"How bad?" she asked.

"VERY bad," I sighed. "I'm going to have to ask Washu how I can sort out what used to be a stable time loop."

"Time loop?" she asked.

"An event in which a person is sent to the past, at which point they instigate a series of actions that produces the event that sent them to the past in the first place," I shook my head. "It makes a total mess of cause and effect as we know it. We sci-fi geeks call a variation of this the Grandfather Paradox."

Luna turned and placed her hangers for the expensive blouse on a return pile.

"Is this about Usagi's future daughter?" she asked.

I nodded.

"Then for the time being," Luna turned back, wearing a more serious look. "We just won't think about it. We have the here and now to deal with. And I'm sure the next time you ask Washu, she can point you at what you or I, or Usagi. Or anyone for that matter needs to do. Right now, let's just concentrate on the current problem, or the time loop stuff won't matter."

It's nice how Luna's got such a good head on her shoulders. I can understand why she had the position of imperial advisor.

"Let's head down then," I nodded back. "I have a few more things to grab."

Luna smiled and tucked her set of 'keeper' clothes under one arm.

Down to the second floor we rolled. Finding an electric razor wasn't hard. An end cap had a few different brands, including some really old Norelcos, but the price translated into something like one hundred fifty bucks. The battery-powered monster was just too expensive for my taste. Sure, I could have gone with a cheapo-pack of simple disposable razors. But an electric razor's faster. And time is my biggest problem. A bit of browsing brands found a local brand that was far cheaper; A plug in generic thing that barely looked substantial at all. The price translated in my mind into...

It's... a hundred to one that's... four thousand-yen take two zeroes off...

Forty bucks.

Much better... And if it breaks, well, I guess I can ask Washu for better.

After grabbing that up, we wandered around to find some small office/school supplies. I ended up grabbing a cheap clipboard, some gel pens, and a graph paper notebook. I figure the graphing lines would be better suited in case I had to sketch something up on the fly. I spotted graphing calculators as well, once again on the end cap. And realized after a moment I was looking at some old TI-81s...

Excuse me...

Upon examination of the display, I realized these were 'new' TI-81s... VERY new TI-81s...

I was tempted to grab one, but with a price tag of twelve thousand yen... Which was...

Which was...

WHICH WAS! Come ON! WORK BRAIN!

"Are you okay?" Luna asked.

"Twelve thousand, take away two zeroes," I began, my irritation rapidly climbing. Why can't I do simple math all of a sudden?

"A hundred twenty," Luna blinked in confusion.

"THANK you..." I snapped in relief. A hundred and twenty bucks. That was way too much for a calculator. I could wait until I'm in a later timeline and get the same model calculator for less than half that price.

"Are you okay?" Luna continued to ask again. "You're starting to shake really bad."

I stopped, looked at kitty, and frowned. Why would I be shak-?

Oh... OH!

Of course... I can't think, I'm getting irritated, and I'm shaking. I haven't eaten, that's the problem. I haven't eaten, and I've been on my feet all morning.

"My blood sugar's low," I sighed.

"Blood sugar?" Luna asked. "Do you need a soda or something? I've never heard of blood needing a sugar level before."

"Nah," I waved it away. "I just need to eat."

"Can you keep anything down though?" she asked.

"I really don't have a choice at this point," I shook my head.

"Well," Luna turned to one of the snack food spots near the front of the store. "Let's grab a bite and-"

"Not here," I interrupted with a shake of my hand. "Food is always overpriced in places like this."

"I don't think you need to be stingy about it if you're on the verge of collapsing," the Felis Sapien warned.

"I'm not on the verge of collapse," I gave Luna an exasperated look. "It's never been THAT bad..."

Luna fixed me with a stern glare, the type she normally reserved for chastising Usagi.

"I can go a few hours like this easy," I continued in response to that look. She refused to relent, and I doubt she was going to buy anything I tried to use as an excuse. Luna had already learned to read me too well for that. I'd have to give in, or at least compromise on it. Otherwise it was entirely possible, given my lack of super suit and her feline strength, that she would literally haul me somewhere.

"Look," I continued. "I saw a McDonalds sign on the other side of the street on the way in. We'll eat there. At least I know what I like there."

The Felis Sapien continued to glare.

"Fine," she nodded at length, leaning away a little. I hadn't even realize how close to my face she'd gotten. "Let's hurry then."

No arguments there...

Back to the first floor for checkout. That went about as average as I could have expected, right up until Luna tossed a pair of Hershey Bars in with our other purchases.

"What?" I began.

"You could have told me about this sooner," the advisor admonished. "Those are for later, just in case."

I made no move to argue. Too tired, too hungry, too much general 'bleh' the way I was feeling. This day was just going to stretch on and on.

With our purchases bought, and the cold blast of air from the main doors to remind me. I quickly donned my new jacket before we returned to the street with our bags.

That McDonalds was to the... Left I believe.

It didn't take long to get there. Just a walk under the tracks, and across a crosswalk...

And there it was, McDona-

I paused, blinked, and found something that did not belong.

"What?"

I had to look twice. Either my blood sugar was so low I was hallucinating, or the world-renown 'golden arches' were... Upside down?

"Now what?" Luna asked.

I just shook my head.

"WcDonalds," I stated, as if it answered all our questions. "WcDonalds... That doesn't make ANY sense."

"You wanted to eat here," Luna stated, casting me an un-amused look.

You know what?

"Forget it," I closed my eyes and sighed. "Forget it. I'm just going insane. This is a side effect. I'm insane, and the universe is out to get me. Next I'm going to see Burger Queen and Dairy King, and in a few weeks, I'll probably be giving Beryl a foot massage or something equally stupid!"

"Come on," Luna grabbed my by the arm and started towing me inside. "You need to eat something."

"Welcome to WcDonalds!" the female cashier stated with an overly cheery smile.

Do not think about the inversion, don't try and understand what's going on. Your brain is low on blood sugar. Just get some food.

"Hi!" Luna greeted. "What's good?"

"Well," the cashier paused to think. "We've got the Tsukimi Special right now. And I'm partial to the Teriyaki Burger..."

"I'll just take a Double Quarter Pounder combo" I cut in. "No onions, no pickles."

"Is that good?" Luna turned to me questioningly.

"Lots of meat," I sighed, squeezing the bridge of my nose with my free hand. That headache I got when my blood sugar was low was adding its misery to the mix. Then I looked at the cashier trying her best to look like she was enjoying this boring job.

"Another combo for her," I continued. "Same way."

I'm not sure if Luna like pickles or onions. Rehydrated onions are a pain to pick off if she doesn't though.

"Anything else?" the cashier asked.

"A sack full of hundred dollar bills," I began in English. "Keys to the White House, and the secret to who shot Kennedy."

That was a straight up, automatic joke response, and it only earned me stares of total and complete confusion from everyone in earshot.

"Eh... He's REALLY worn out," Luna advised, trying to act like she understood a word of what I just belted out.

"Oh!" the Cashier let a slightly more realistic smile cross her face. "He just flew in, didn't he?"

"Er... Yeah," Luna went with it. "Those long trips are brutal."

"I know what you mean," she smiled. "Total's one thousand seven hundred and twelve yen."

I can't even figure out how much that is in dollars anymore. But I paid anyway. Once that was settled, the Cashier informed us she'd bring us our food herself, and that we should just relax for a minute.

Not one to argue, I sat down after filling my cup with some orange Fanta. I don't even care if it does or does not have caffeine. I just need a sugar fix and some food.

Luna did her best not to fidget in place as we sat down. Unlike that McPhee's place in the last world, the Miko outfit she was still wearing drew glances at us from other customers. That, combined with our shopping articles, made us stick out a bit.

I decided to pay it no heed. At this point, I could only really focus on sucking down my drink.

When we got our food, I could already feel the sugar from the drink doing its job. The first thing going away was that blasted headache. Once I ate, the other annoying symptoms would join it.

Luna, for all it was worth, did her best to act something akin to dignified as she started to eat her monster-sized burger. But quickly preceded to annihilate it as if she were famished. Her fries quickly became victims as well.

Then my fries joined the victim list as I pushed them across for her. I just couldn't stand the way she was eyeing them.

In contrast, I found that while the Soda helped, I still didn't have much of an appetite. I did my best to at least eat a little of it though, before I gave up about half way through. I didn't feel sick like this morning, but my heart just wasn't in it.

"Still can't eat?" Luna asked.

"I tried," I sighed. "But I don't think I'll be able to finish this today."

Then I looked at her.

"You want it?"

Luna thought about it for a moment, probably trying to decide if it was more important that I eat, or try to eat, or give in to the obvious desire for more food.

"Here," I handed the remaining half of my burger over before she could answer. "Finish it."

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"I'll get something later when I can actually eat," I nodded. "This'll cover me for now."

The shaking had finally stopped, and I was slowly getting my head back a little from the fog it was in.

"So," Luna began between bites. "Now that you've gotten that little shopping spree out of the way, what do you have planned next?"

"I don't know," I commented idly. "I do want to get back to the shrine by noon. Otherwise Rei'll have puppies."

"We should probably drop by Crown on the way," Luna nodded. "I need to contact central-"

"You mean Artemis," I rested my hand in my palm.

"I'm going to KICK his ASS," Luna emphasized quietly with a sharp glare. "Playing fool games like that when he knows what's at stake."

Luna fumed for a moment over another bite of the leftover burger before she continued.

"Joke's on him though," she smirked. "I can't wait to see the look on his face when I pick him up by the scruff of his scrawny little neck."

"Go easy on him," I shook my head. "He's just a goofball."

"It would help to know he had Minako trained a whole lot sooner though," Luna shook her head, then took another bite. "Mff... I need to let him know that she needs to meet up with us as SOON as possible."

"Knowing you guys," I quipped. "You'll probably walk right into her."

Actually...

"In fact," I continued. "Now that I think of it, I can almost guarantee it."

"Really?" Luna asked, then scarfed down the last bite of the burger.

"I'm sure of it," I replied, stopping to take another sip of my soda. "I think the trick for your universe how incredibly insane coincidences you have. Every single time the Dark Kingdom tries something, Usagi walks right into it without so much as trying."

Luna paused for a second, then sat up straight.

"You're right," she snapped, then glanced around and leaned in conspiratorially. "No sooner does she meet the victim of the next attack, then they get attacked. And all this time I thought we were lucky, it's another one of those conventions at work."

"It might even be a power," I commented while Luna took a turn on her soda. "Its commented back home that the Senshi actually have the ability to be drawn to enemies, and to draw enemies to them. That's why majority of the attacks always happen right here in Tokyo, that's why they always seem to show up next to the victim just in time to save them."

"Incredible," Luna hissed. "I'm familiar with their abilities, but that power is just unheard of. It changes everything I had in mind for planning. I mean, if we're always identifying the victim before attack-"

Then Luna stopped.

"Oh no," she gulped. "I already know the next victim..."

"That fat cat?" I asked. "Well we just need to-"

Luna reached out and grabbed my jacket by the front.

"I don't know where he LIVES!" she hissed. Several people took a look at us when she did so. She'd managed to pull me half way out of my spot with almost no effort.

"Luna," I began slowly. "Hands off."

The Felis Sapien paused, then blushed in embarrassment and let got.

"Sorry," she continued. "But if that situation goes exactly as before, then the Dark Kingdom is probably already on the move. And I don't know where Rhett Butler actually is."

"Let's go then," I nodded, standing up to leave the table. Luna quickly followed suit as we dumped our trays and left with our bags.

Once back out on the street, we began heading North. At this pace, we'd probably be back at the shrine just in time to greet Rei. Then we could work something out. Best as I could tell. If this worked as we predicted, just knowing who the victim was would put Kunzite on the move. And chances are, he's probably a little edgy after-

I stopped dead.

He's probably paranoid after the Jedi bullshit I fed him. If he's paranoid, he'll move any timetables he has up in order to get that one monster of the week on his side before he has to face the 'Jedi'. If he's paranoid, he's probably going to be very cautious. Oh man what the fuck was I THINKING?

"Okay," I stated aloud. "I think we've got a problem."

"What?" Luna asked.

"Kunzite was at the shrine this morning," I continued.

"HE WHAT?"

Everyone in earshot stopped to look, but after a moment, continued on his or her way.

"I ran him off while you were in the bath," I continued, picking my walk up to a more brisk pace. "But I think I fucked up big time..."

"How's so?" Luna asked, picking up the pace to match mine.

"I tried to scare him with some over the top bullshit," I continued. "And it looked like it worked."

"I don't see how that would mean you-"

"If, IT WORKED," I continued in a more forceful tone. "Then Kunzite is going to gear up to fight something a LOT more powerful than the Senshi."

Luna stopped this time, then quickly jogged to catch up.

"Are you serious?" she asked. "How powerful?"

"There's a saying," I began. "Never bring a knife to a gun fight..."

"What?" Luna began. "I don't get- how does that-"

"WE are the knife," I stated.

Luna grabbed me and forced me to stop, turning me around to look me dead in the eye.

"That's bad," she frowned. "That's very bad."

"Yes," I nodded. "I know. He's probably moved his timetable up. Far as I know, the first Season of Sailor Moon took place over forty-five episodes, with an in-universe time of about one year. There are fifty two weeks in a year, which means each episode on average is a little over a week apart."

I took a breath before continuing.

"And when was the last time we were here?"

"One week," Luna answered, then her features fell. "ONE WEEK!"

"He's going to try something TODAY," I glanced around. "I'll bet you all the gold we have left he does."

"What are we going to do?" Luna asked. "If he attacks today, we won't have any time to teach Usagi any combat skills, or plot anything..."

"Then we'll just have to move first," I continued. "If those stupidly convenient coincidences of yours really work and he we show up just in the nick of time no matter what. Then the sooner we show up, the less time he's spent preparing."

"But what if he's still prepared for..." Luna paused. "A gun fight?"

I turned back to the catgirl; adrenaline was waking me up quite a bit just thinking about it.

"Then we need to bring a cannon to a gun fight," I concluded.

Turning around, I thought about it. If Kunzite was expecting a 'Jedi' to fight, then we were going to need every last ounce of firepower available. That means the Senshi, Luna, AND myself. And if I went, I'd need all the firepower at my disposal. I want as unfair an advantage as possible. I'm going to need Senbei; I'm going to need my shotgun, Washu's antimatter shells... I'm going to need some protection for my watermelon of a skull. Dammit Washu! This is why I wanted a helmet! Now I don't have one. Where can I get one?

Maybe a bike shop or...

"Where's a motorcycle shop?" I turned to Luna... "I need a helmet."


	20. Enigmagnetic Personality

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**Chapter twenty: Enigmagnetic Personality**

_"I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: 'O Lord, make my enemies ridiculous.' And God granted it."_

_-Voltaire_

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"Twenty thousand, two hundred-yen for a helmet!" Luna snapped.

There was a bike shop we'd passed on the way down. Some place called 'Red Baron'. It was on our way back, so that was perfect. I'd hate to have had to hunt through the entire city for a good Harley Davidson shop. I have no doubts those are everywhere... Just like Mc-... Never mind.

For the most part, the selection on helmets was terrible. The place specialized more in bike repairs and bike sales than on accessories like helmets. But they had a few selections available, and I was in a hurry, so I made due with what was available. I narrowed it down pretty quick. Whatever I picked, had to have a face shield. That pretty much killed every helmet on selection, save for about four or five fancier ones. The one I picked in the end more or less left Luna wondering where my brain had gone.

"Of all those helmets," she continued. "Why did you go and pick the most expensive one? They had a few for only seven thousand yen!"

"Because it covers my face," I replied.

"But some of the others covered your face too," she argued. "There was a twelve thousand-yen one that worked too. You ignored them after looking at this one just ONCE. "

"This one," I held the helmet in question up. "I can pull the whole facemask up with."

"Is that your whole reason?" she asked. "Because it does that? I don't get it. That much money for one stupid feature...

"It means I can pull the facemask up to talk to people without having to take the entire helmet off," I countered. "You ever try to move a helmet around constantly? It's a pain."

Luna frowned and crossed her arms as I examined the helmet one more time. Believe it or not, it wasn't even a motorcycle helmet. It was a snowmobile helmet. Probably a seasonal item meant for whomever was about to go on vacation in the mountains. The thing I like about it was of course; it had a face shield, complete with chin guard. And the whole chin guard could be flipped up at a moment's notice.

That meant, as I had told the feline, I could flip it up and down to talk as I saw fit without having to try and wiggle the thing off my head.

The helmet was also black. Most of the plain helmets were white, and the fancier ones were several different bright colors. A few of them sporting things like 'hot rod' flames and such.

I had yet to explain it to Luna, but the last thing I wanted was for my head to be a bright red bullzeye asking for a high velocity projectile to skewer it. Helmet or no, anything small and fast like a rifle round would end me, full stop. It would be better if my head didn't stand out as a target.

Of course, one of the alternatives was also black, but I thought it looked absurd. When all things were weighed in at the end of my decision process, my pick pretty much won on simple grounds:

It was a cool helmet.

I don't normally pick things for myself simply based on coolness most of the time, but with all my practical criteria fulfilled, it was down to trivial things. I could have bought the absurd helmet, the one for twelve thousand yen. And it would have worked as Luna said. But it looked silly, and didn't have the flip up chin section. So for an extra eight thousand yen, I opted for the more expensive helmet.

I admit, that when it came down to it, I had a pretty flimsy excuse. Little more than personal preference... But then again, I worked hard for that money, we have plenty more gold, and the way my life has been in the last week, if I want a helmet with a bunch of fancy extra toys, I'm going to HAVE a helmet with a bunch of fancy extra toys. Toys like a retractable sunshade visor inside the facemask.

I'm a very stingy shopper, but I get some of the strangest shopping impulses at times.

Besides, Luna got a Hello Kitty shirt. Massive price difference, yes. But she got something she wanted. I think I can have something I want, right? I mean, when you boil it down, I think that I've earned it, having kept it together as long as I have.

No doubt she's been thinking I'm a hypocrite ever since we left the shop. She was quiet about it until we got on the bus, but after a while, she just couldn't keep to herself.

As for the bus, that was Luna's idea. I'd wasted more time than I wanted to in our little shopping spree, and I was afraid we were going to get back, only to walk into a shouting match between Rei and Old Man Hino because she might have thought he'd driven me off.

Luna reminded me the city bus had a stop right at the temple steps. And on a half day like today, right about now, the bus schedule would line up near perfectly to allow students a few extra options for getting around town after class.

It wasn't a straight shot of course. We had to connect twice. But it was still faster than walking. Luckily, with Usagi having used the area busses so much, Luna had all the right connections memorized.

The fare had been two hundred yen per person, per bus, which ended up costing something like twelve hundred yen by the time we got the last connection, but even after my expensive purchase, we still had about ten thousand yen leftover. About a hundred bucks in my simple math...

"I just don't understand you sometimes," Luna shook her head. "I mean, I thought I more or less had you figured out, but then..."

"Look," I continued. "This is the helmet I wanted, end of story. Is it that hard?"

Luna sighed.

"And you wonder why I compare you to Lazybones..."

"Hey!"

'Bong...'

"Next stop: Hikawa Temple."

"This is where we get off," Luna interrupted before I could really snipe back.

After disembarking the vehicle, I realized one other thing the bus saved us from.

Our arms...

It would have sucked to walk as far as we did with the bags we had at this point. Especially me... I had all the extra stuff. Luna just had a shirt and some pants. I can't believe how much I can't wait to get back into that little suit Washu made. Pocket Universe storage was just too great a feature.

"Well, that saved us the hassle," I replied with a heavy sigh, moving to allow another person room to get off the bus. And then had to step out of the way again as she almost ran me over. Too engrossed in some novel like any number of people back home, glued to their cell phones, texting incessantly... "Oi! Get your head OUT of that book and pay attention to where you're going before you get hit by a TRUCK."

Or a bus... Which would be rather ironic considering she just stepped off one.

"That was mean!" Luna gaped; rounding on me as the girl snapped her book shut and blushed. "Why would you say something like that to a total stranger?"

"You've never seen texting," I replied. "Either I let her know how incredibly stupid walking down the street with your head stuck in a book is, or she finds out the hard way when some idiot comes along and decides that speed limits and stop signs are just suggestions."

Luna shook her head in exasperation.

"You could be nicer about it," she sighed. "It's not that hard."

"Sorry," I shrugged as the bus pulled away. "Nobody ever listens to me otherwise... "

"Well I do for what its worth," she began, stepping to look past me. "I'm sorry. He's not trying to be me- AMI!"

I almost jumped at Luna's squeal.

Wait... Ami?

"AMI?" I began. "Wha-"

I turned and looked at the girl who had stopped and was looking at us curiously, then looked back Luna.

"You sure?" I asked. I mean, so far things have been consistent, so Ami's hair should have stood out like a Neon sign. But this...

"Of course I'm sure," Luna looked at me as if I'd insulted her intelligence. "I'd know Ami anywhere, it's only been a week after all."

I looked back at the girl with the book as Luna continued.

"I didn't see you on the bus or I would have talked to you sooner," she stated. "There's so many things we need to go ov-"

"She looks nothing like her," I interrupted.

"What?" Luna looked at me as if I'd gone crazy again. "What are you going on about? Is your blood sugar low again already?"

Uh...

"Oh!" Luna perked up. "You're used to the show! Of course! I should have warned you that Ami blends in with everyone a lot better in real life. The blue in her hair is nowhere near as bright, and it's not nearly as curled. That's just an exaggeration."

And what about everyone else I've met? Ayeka's hair was near identical to her animated color. Why not Ami's?

"That doesn't make any sense," I voiced back at the catgirl. "Your hair is every bit as bright as it should be. And so is everyone else's I've met. Why would that suddenly change now?"

"I don't know," Luna countered. "Maybe you're expecting things to be too much like what you've seen."

Maybe...

"Excuse me," Ami finally found the courage to butt in. "But... Uh... Do I know you?"

There was a rather obvious awkward pause. Of course she doesn't know me.

"It's me," Luna turned to Ami.

"Who?" She blinked. "You sound familiar but..."

"Oi," I rolled my eyes. "She doesn't know..."

"Know what?" Luna asked. "Of course she knows me."

"Uh..." Ami took a step back, looking a little timid. I just shook my head.

"Rei didn't tell anyone," I mumbled to myself in English. Or didn't give full details.

"Wait," Ami continued, stepping forward again. "Are you that guy that disappeared with Luna last week?"

"He better hope he isn't," an additional voice added to the mix. "I might just have to teach him a lesson otherwise."

The three of us turned and I came face to face with yet another girl. Survey says that if that was Ami, then if the brown hair was any clue, this was probably Makoto.

Somehow I expected her to be taller... But the young girl currently threatening me with physical harm was looking me dead level in the eyes. The perspective of seeing them in the anime I guess killed any kind of sense of scale. Just like everyone else I've met. A lack of a functional reference really didn't bring out how they compared to me until I met them face to face.

"Howdy," I stated, again tossing in some random English. "Kino Makoto I presume?"

"You presume correct," the brunet stated in a warning tone. "How do you know my name, and what have you done with Luna?"

"I'm right here!" the Felis Sapien snapped in irritation. The two Senshi looked at her in surprise.

"Really, do you not recognize my voice at all?"

The two girls cast a long gaze at Luna, eyeing the catgirl as she gave them both an indignant stare.

"Luna?" Ami was the first to speak, turning her head to the side. "What..."

"What the heck happened to you?" Makoto cut in, brushing me off like old garbage. "Is that really you?"

"Sometimes I'm not sure myself," the catgirl nodded. "But yes, this is me."

"You're HUMAN," Ami commented.

"Not exactly," I added. "Close, but not quite."

"What do you mean?" Kino returned her warning look to me. "What's going on? Who are you?"

I sighed. Makoto asked the obvious question. The one with the long, LONG explanation that I could probably fill a book with at this point.

"Did Rei not tell you what happened?" Luna asked. "I thought you two would have known by now."

"We heard about the attack," Ami commented informatively. "Usagi said some guy Rei likes helped out and defeated Zoicite. Rei wouldn't tell us much about it. She just said it was rather scary."

"Usagi also said something about having her own show, and the guy liking to watch us or something," Makoto added. "But she wasn't making much sense at that point."

She then turned that warning gaze on me again.

"I'm not sure I like the idea of being watched though," she continued dangerously.

I caught that unspoken threat in her tone. Lovely... Makoto was going to be the overprotective one. I hope she doesn't turn into another Naru. That whole fiasco was a total pain in the ass on several levels.

"So who are you?" she asked again, aiming the question at me. "Some foreign stalker?"

I scoffed. I mean, her tone was deadly serious, but the implication at this point was just funny. I mean, it wasn't funny, but it was.

"He's not a stalker," Luna admonished the taller Senshi.

"Then what is he?" Kino asked. "And how did he beat that creep Zoicite?"

I'm not in the mood for this. Not now...

"Would it be okay to wait on the explanations until everyone's here?" I asked. "For the time being, I'd just like to say that we're on the same side."

"Are you really?" she asked. It was a borderline rhetorical question.

"Makoto, go easy on him," Luna stepped in between the two of us. Which was kind of funny when you stopped to think about how we both could look right over the top of her head at each other. "He's had it very rough the last week or so."

"Are you sure we can trust him?" Makoto looked down at the catgirl. I simply rolled my eyes, which got me a frown in return when her gaze snapped up.

"I'd trust him with my life," Luna returned firmly. "Right now, he's probably our greatest asset."

Makoto blinked and looked at me with a mixed look of surprise and amazement. One mirrored equally by Ami.

"He's Tuxedo Kamen?" she asked.

If I were capable of that facevault stunt, now would have been the moment I did so.

"I- It-" I began, then dropped my bags and helmet on the ground and pulled Luna out of the way by her shoulder before fixing Makoto with a screwed up gaze. "NO! How did you even COME UP with that conclusion?"

"Hey!" Kino responded by poking me in the chest. "The only other guy we know of who should be on our side is Tuxedo Kamen."

"He's NOT Tuxedo Kamen," Luna pushed her way between us again. "But he is our ally. That's what's important here."

"So he knows then," Ami interrupted.

"He knows more than any of us," Luna stated pointedly.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Mako asked.

"Exactly what I said," Luna reasserted herself. "He literally knows more than anyone else here about this situation."

"I really don't think this is the best place to discuss this then," Ami advised, motioning at the fact that we were still standing right in front of a bus stop. The other two ladies glanced around, realizing how public this conversation might be. As they did so, I noticed a dark haired girl in a brown uniform walking at a brisk pace up the sidewalk. I couldn't make her out at this distance, but I'm sure that was Rei.

"You're probably right," Luna nodded to Ami. "We should head up and talk there."

"Good idea," Kino nodded, turning to poke me in the chest again. "I can't wait to hear this, seems like it's going to be good."

Young lady, your mind will be blown. And, well, that IS Rei.

"Hey guys!" The afore-mentioned fire senshi exclaimed as she jogged up. She'd broken into a run around the time Makoto had poked had poked me in the chest a second time. "Makoto, you can calm down, he doesn't bite."

"Eh..." Kino responded with a shrug. "Just being careful. He comes off as a little creepy if you ask me."

"Yeah," Rei agreed. "I thought so too, but he's not so bad."

Then she noticed Luna.

"Who's this girl?" she asked.

"It's me," Luna snapped, getting a little indignation in her tone. Rei just gave her a blank stare.

"Oh for the love of..." Luna began, glancing around. "I'm not going to repeat this fifty times so..."

"POP!"

All four girls jumped a full step back as Luna returned to feline form, her bag dropping to the ground next to her.

"It's ME," she continued in irritation. "You only talked to me this morning. Is it really that hard to recognize my voice?"

"Sorry!" Rei raised her hands quickly. "How was I supposed to know?"

Then she put her hands down and leaned forward.

"That's a neat trick though, where'd you learn to do that?"

Luna sat down and looked up at the three Senshi with what I suspect was a bit of a smug face.

"Our ALLY here knew someone who was able to fix something about my body I had forgotten about," Luna stated. "Technically I was always able to do this, it was just broken."

"You know," Makoto commented, laughing slightly to herself. "When Usagi sees that, she's going to freak."

"Will she now?" Luna grinned a Cheshire Cat smile... And so begins the puns once more. Great...

"You're not planning what I think you're planning?" I asked into the four girls. That earned me a glance from them all as Luna spoke up.

"Probably," she smirked.

"So what are you doing out here anyway?" Rei continued, changing the topic while rolling her eyes. "I told you stay in the temple."

"Shopping," I shrugged.

"You went shopping without me?" Rei asked with a look that was a combination of indignation and a pout.

"I've been living on handouts and the clothes on my back for a week," I shook my head. "Besides, you'd probably have just turned me into a human shopping cart and buried me with boxes like you did to Mamoru."

"I don't bury people with boxes when I sho-" Rei began, then froze. "Wait, how'd you know that?"

"You think our last conversation was a joke?" I asked. "I could write a book on you from memory."

Man, she's acting like Ayeka did. Didn't quite understand how deep the knowledge went.

"That's freaky," Makoto cut in.

"I can go further," I sighed. "Like the reason Makoto is deathly afraid of aircraft."

The taller Senshi froze in place. Perhaps that wasn't the best of things to say because she went deathly white in the process.

"How did you-" she began, reaching out and grabbing me by my jacket and yanked me right up to her face.

"Calm down," I instructed. "I'm going to explain everything soon enough."

Revised note, secrets are for shock value, not general conversation. Keep this in mind in the future if you don't want someone to beat the living shit out of you.

"Makoto," Luna looked up at Kino. "There's a very good reason why he knows about that."

"Yeah," Rei cut in, gently grabbing her by the wrist. "Let him go. He did the same thing to me."

"What?" Makoto asked. "Spout off secrets barely anyone knows?"

Rei let go and crossed her arms.

"He identified me by name while transformed," the Senshi of fire stated in a cross tone. "Not only that but he knew what happened in that first fight I had with Jeidite, and mentioned things only my friends know about."

She paused while Kino continued to frown.

"And then he killed Zoicite," she added for effect. "And helped me save Grampa."

Makoto's face blanked, and she let go of my jacket.

"KILLED him?" she asked. "Not just defeated..."

"Yes," I recalled that rather unpleasant moment. "A shotgun blast to the face will do that. And it was actually thanks to you I knew it would work. You got that sucker punch in on him the first time you met without using a transformed boost. That told me enough about them that I could fight them with regular weapons."

Makoto stared mutely, her mouth hanging open slightly.

"H-" she began at last. "How... there was nobody there at all."

"That's what we're going to discuss," Luna nodded from her spot at our feet. "I promise, it'll all make sense."

Ami, who'd been silent for most of the conversation, nodded emphatically, looking curious.

Makoto looked back me again, then took a deep breath and did her best to mask her discomfort of the situation with a smile.

"Anyone who could take out that creep Zoicite's okay in my book," she placed her hand on my shoulder. "Sorry for coming across a bit harsh."

"Eh..." I shrugged. "No problem."

"So what did you buy?" Rei interrupted, looking at my helmet lying on the ground. Reminded of my purchases, I quickly crouched down and recovered them. Makoto also tried to make up for her distrust by collecting the bag with my new razor and clipboard.

"Just a few essentials," I replied. "Nothing fancy."

"A helmet?" she asked, picking the item in question up.

"Beats a tiara," I shrugged, taking it from her as I did so. "There are monsters on the prowl, and I don't want my head smashed in like a watermelon."

Rei, for her part, pursed her lips in thought before shrugging.

With the shopping bags recovered, we made our way up the stairs. Admittedly, the congregation we had going looked rather odd to a tourist as we walked by. One foreign guy, three teenage girls, all carrying a bag of some sort, and a cat.

At least it didn't look as crazy as Luna and I had looked earlier.

"HEY!"

Speaking of crazy- GAH!

I grunted and managed not to fall flat on my ass initially when a small blond express train struck me. But I still stumbled over when Usagi tackled me almost out of nowhere.

"What in the-" I heard one of the other Senshi begin.

I did my best to grimace away the feeling of a skinned palm from where my right hand had caught the stone flagging in my attempt to recover. Nice... Let's add more pain to an already painful existence. As if I didn't have enough of that kind of thing in the last week and a half...

"Did you bring me anything?" The little princess chirped. "What's in the bags?"

"Usagi, get off him!" Rei snapped in outrage. "He's a guest!"

"Jealous?" Usagi smiled in a blatant attempt to get under the younger Hino's skin.

"As if!" Rei snapped indignantly. I could already tell where this was going. Usagi was still latched on to teasing from last time. And if I let the two go at it for more than a few seconds, it'll take forever to stop them. God, I don't really need another headache. I just got rid of the last one.

"Nothing for you in the bags Usagi," I interrupted the two in a voice slightly louder than I would normally use. It was enough to keep their usual bickering from erupting like it had as Usagi turned back to me with a disappointed pout.

"Now could you get off me?" I asked. "That hurt."

"Oh!" Usagi quickly sprang free. In the process, the girl quickly snapped an apology before offering her hand in assistance. I accepted that help, though after a second I had to do it myself anyway when I proved to be a bit too heavy for her. Of course, it was because she dropped me outright. But what do you expect from a teenage girl almost half my size?

"Well," Rei continued after a moment of shaking her head in exasperation. "At least she's here early for once."

"That she is," Luna smiled, looking slightly impressed, or at least, as impressed as she could in her cat form. Usagi just laughed as if the statement were somehow funny.

"Well," she began. "Rei told me you were back this morning on my communicator, and that we'd need to meet. So I as soon as I got out of class I came straight here."

"Which is probably a sign of the apocalypse," I quipped in English. I didn't want the girls to really catch that one. Ami however, let a smirk slip past her features while the others were too busy wondering what I had just said.

"I was worried about Luna too," Usagi's smile faded a little. "Rei said you both just vanished."

"Loud pop?" I asked the Senshi of fire.

"Uh," Rei began. "Yeah, how'd you know?"

"Recurring theme for me," I shook my head. "It's just air occupying the space I just left."

"Oh," Rei nodded.

"And as you can see," Luna continued. "We're just fine."

"Mostly," I added, sucking on my hand where it had been scraped. Probably not the wisest thing to do, but whatever.

"How did you get here so fast anyway?" Ami asked.

"Yeah," Makoto nodded. "We left before you, AND we took the bus."

Usagi suddenly started laughing uncomfortably while the three other girls fixed a look on her. No doubt, knowing Usagi, she didn't get here so fast on excitement alone. She's no sports star, and she can't simply outrun a bus.

"You transformed and went roof hopping," I began. "Didn't you?"

Usagi made a choking sound as she froze in place. I could only respond to that with a knowing smile.

"Oh..." Luna sighed. "That's just disgraceful. Your powers were not meant to be used for that kind of thing."

Makoto and Rei just nodded. Usagi glanced between them, looking lost. Now, I'd hate to be the one to rock the boat but...

"I don't know," I began. "Were it me with that ability, I'd be abusing the hell out of it."

All the girls looked at me as if I'd grown a third head.

"Now hold on a second!" Luna turned to me with a look of shock. "We're trying to get her to be more responsible with her powers. Not to use them like a toy!"

"Yeah!" Rei snapped. "Don't encourage dumpling head like that!"

I hear what they're saying but...

"What's the point in superpowers if you're not allowed to use them?" I asked.

"USE them," Luna admonished. "Not treat them like a toy."

"I never said I'd treat them like toys," I shook my head. "I said I'd abuse the hell out of them."

"Isn't that the same thing?" Luna snapped. "Treating such abilities so trivially is no better than playing with them. They're supposed to be used responsibly!"

I've been around Luna alone so long, I forget that serious cat is serious.

"I think anything goes so long as it's fair to others," I returned, crossing my arms. "So long as she's not using her powers in something like a long jump, or some other kind of competitive sport. Why stop her? Who's she going to hurt?"

"That's not the point!" Luna snapped, her volume climbing rapidly. "She needs top be RESPONSIBLE!"

I looked around for a second, noting Phobos and Deimos watching us from the branches, and another pair of tourist off by the rope in the middle of the shrine, talking to Grampa Hino. The pair had looked up to see who had yelled. Luna did her best cat-blush and hung her head.

"Look," I continued after a moment quietly. "Personally, if I were stuck with a job I didn't ask for, I'd be asking what's in it for ME. If I get sucked in to the job of risking my life on a weekly basis against my own will, nobody had better be telling me what I can and can't do with any extra powers. If you give me magic powers, I'm going to use them. If that includes using them for personal gain, then I'm using them for personal gain. After all, if I'm risking my life to save the world, I think I should be allowed compensation for the risks."

"That's a slippery slope," Ami interrupted. "That kind of argument leads people to thoughts of entitlement. Historically, thoughts of entitlement have been responsible for actions resulting in horrendous atrocities."

Luna perked up and beamed at the backing Ami provided.

"But I understand where you're coming from," the bookworm continued. "There is no reason why we can't use our abilities the way Usagi has."

Luna's ears fell. Usagi's face brightened.

"But if we just go about doing as we please-" Rei jumped in.

"That's an issue with morality," Ami cut Rei off. "Not responsibility. He makes a very good point. Using our powers like this doesn't mean we've done anything wrong. But Luna makes a good point that we should at least treat our abilities with respect."

"Please," I began, placing my thumb on the bridge of my nose. "Let's not with the morality discussion, my brain still hurts from a temporal morality argument I had two days ago."

"Temporal Morality?" Ami asked.

I waved it away.

"Don't ask."

"Let's just keep it simple then," Makoto spoke up. "If what we want to do would hurt someone, don't do it. Easy enough, right?"

Ami and Rei nodded while Usagi looked back in forth in surprise.

"So," she began. "You guys aren't mad?"

Luna just sighed noisily, but otherwise said nothing.

"Hey," Makoto continued. "Honestly, I wish I'd thought of it first. You not only got here before us, you saved two hundred yen in bus fare."

Usagi blinked and started to smile.

"I did! Didn't I!" she exclaimed. "Cool! I should do that more often!"

"Just be CAREFUL," Luna cut in. "If people see you, someone might start following you."

"Don't worry Luna," Usagi began, waving it through a bright smile. "I can handle that much."

"Ugh..." the cat shook her head.

"Well," I began. "At least she's motivated."

"I just wish she'd be motivated to do her job better," Luna all but whined.

You can't have it all at once Luna. The way I see it, Usagi reminds me of myself when I was in school. Unmotivated, uninterested... You can't make her take anything seriously if she doesn't want to take it seriously no matter how many lectures you try. This girl doesn't need lectures; she needs motivation. And before Usagi can be motivated, she needs to be interested. Now that I think about it, perhaps all those comments of 'exploit everything' I read from Spacebattles can be applied more widely than I thought. Perhaps if I gave Usagi a little taste of what it was like to use her head...

Because I think she's smarter than even SHE realizes.

Glancing back at the blond girl as she grinned. I couldn't help it. My worn out brain was piecing together possibilities. Luna had already shown the potential to be an amazing fighting catgirl. Rei, with only a few seconds of improvised instruction, proved to be extremely powerful.

If any of them had even the slightest inkling of what they could do with just a few creative tweaks; Rei could probably melt steal and create massive explosive overpressure waves. Or psychic firestorms... That would be nasty. Makoto could generate an arc flash, mess with magnetic fields, and perhaps even fire an electromagnetic pulse. Ami could shatter tank armor and create superconductors and blinding fogs. Hell, if Ami put her mind to it, if she flash cooled an area of large enough volume, she could produce a downburst phenomenon. Put them together and you could probably get pretty crazy with physics. A functional railgun for example...

And they manage to save the world while barely able to lob cheap imitations of their true power?

More ideas began to sink in. If these girls were at their full potential, Metallia would shit itself. At full power, Sailor Senshi are supposed to be guardians of worlds. You don't get that kind of lofty title unless you've got the power to back it. And if the title of guardian includes the need to fight off a military force that has interplanetary capability. That MUST at least be on par or superior to handling something like the fully mobilized US Army/Navy/Airforce combined. So then at full power, these girls should EACH be a living nuclear war.

Given the situation, it would be nice for these girls to be at full power. Then I wouldn't have to worry so much. Kunzite would be little more than a cheap magic act next to them. But unless they spontaneously gain a few thousand years of experience in handling their abilities, Kunzite will still own them outright in a straight fight.

And if Kunzite can own them, Metallia would bend them over backwards like they just dropped the soap at Leavenworth.

And if I don't get that crystal back in a timely manner: 'That's it man, game over man, game over.'

Unless I have a fallback option...

And personally, I don't like the ultimate fallback option.

So here's something to ponder. I've already jacked up the timeline completely by accident. Most likely irrecoverably at this point considering how Kunzite will change his entire method of operation. If I make tweaks again, will it get worse in the long term? Or will it get better?

Washu's advice was not to worry about the timeline, just work with the now. If I value the expert advice of a being who's mind is several orders of magnitude more perceptive than my own, then I should plan as if it were my fight and ignore the timeline completely.

And if I'm the one planning the fight, then my plan calls for getting the Senshi to their fullest potential.

However, their potential and their current states are about as different as comparing me to Ayeka.

Right now, I'm technically more effective than the Senshi. I have an actual kill on an enemy officer. That makes them currently less powerful than a soldier with a gun. Which is all fine and dandy when practically nobody in Japan has a firearm and the most dangerous criminal is a street thug with a dull razor.

But the situation is only going to get worse before it gets better. So the Senshi will probably need to get BETTER than a guy with a gun, and in a hurry.

Given what Luna's been trying to do to Usagi in that department for the better part of five to six months now, that's easier said than done.

Still, you have to start somewhere.

And if I'm going to start teaching these girls how to scare the pants off the enemy, I need to start RIGHT NOW.

I know Rei will listen. I had her attention the other day easily the way that fight went. But the others?

Well, before Usagi can be taught, she must be interested. And I have her interest...

Time to exploit that.

"Are you listening?" Luna asked into my train of thought. Apparently she'd gone on to vent or something while I was pondering, because the other girls had looks on their faces like I'd just missed the rant of the century.

"No I was thinking," I replied honestly. "Wha'd I miss?"

Luna just sighed.

"It's nothing," she stated at last. "I'm just venting a little pent up frustration, that's all."

"Feel better?" I asked.

"A little," the kitty nodded. "Maybe I should take a nap. I'm exhausted."

"Good idea," I commented, reaching down to pick the feline up. "Get some sleep for both of us if you can." Luna made to protest my action for a second before she sighed again.

"Wake me in fifteen minutes," she advised.

"No problem," I nodded. The three remaining girls looked at me in confusion as Luna squirmed into a more comfortable position in my arms and promptly passed out.

"She's been going non-stop all morning," I shrugged back at them, absentmindedly finding that little spot behind the ear to scratch. Luna's ear twitched and she immediately started to purr. "Now, about that meeting..."

Luna stayed zonked out cold in my arms for the entire fifteen minutes as we recovered all my shopping and filed into Rei's room. I admit, it was tiny. It was a wonder how we managed to fit three people in there without feeling cramped the first time. Add two more and several bags and it was essentially a 'you stay where you start' kind of affair. Being larger than them, I decided to just take over Rei's bed, using the corner of the room to recline.

In this time, Rei gave the remaining two girls a bit of a brief run down of what exactly was going on. The response was mixed. Makoto was outright disbelieving of the situation, while Ami seemed somewhat more sedate, if not analytical with the critical glances she kept giving me.

When Rei replayed the story of what happened at the temple from her point of view, the looks of shock only increased as she tried her best to describe the fight with Zoicite in detail.

I helped fill in details she might not have noticed while she was occupied. Mostly stuff I had thought about. Even going so far as to point out again, the reason I decided I could attack Zoicite in the first place. Makoto seemed to take a little pride in knowing she had inadvertently helped take Zoicite out.

The thing I really emphasized while I was explaining myself, was how Zoicite practically fell apart under pressure. Rei confirmed what I had noticed here. The fight had started with Zoicite's typical boasting, and ended with him in a near frantic panic, just because I got back up after taking one hit.

We were giving a recap of how we managed to restore Grampa without Sailor Moon's help around the time Luna finally woke up. The feline seemed rather refreshed for such a short amount of time. I was almost envious. I wish I could feel that refreshed with only twenty minutes of sleep. (Yes, I let her have 'five more minutes').

"Did I miss anything important?" she asked as she hopped out of my arms and gave a quick yawn and a stretch.

"Just getting up to speed," I replied. "Not quite to the important part yet."

"Ah," Luna continued. "Good."

"What important part?" Rei asked.

"The entire reason Zoicite came after your Grampa in the first place," I continued. "Remember the crystal?"

"Yeah," Usagi jumped in. "Wasn't Zoicite after those Rainbow Crystals?"

"I recovered it if you recall," I continued.

"Good," Makoto nodded. "So you're going to give it back right?"

I gave the taller senshi a look that pretty much answered her question.

"You don't have it," Ami inferred.

"Nope," I shook my head.

"YOU LOST IT?" Rei all but bellowed. "How could you lose something that important!"

"He didn't LOSE it," Luna interrupted, jumping on the small table in the middle of the room. "It was taken by a mad scientist."

Rei turned to her with a look of mute shock.

"Mad-" Makoto began.

"SCIENTIST?" Ami finished in equal shock.

This was going to take forever, and time was not our friend today. I'd already taken twenty minutes longer than I wanted to in letting Luna nap. But if Kunzite was out there planning, then every second wasted was a second he'd add to his preparations.

"How about the short version?" I interrupted. "The basic premise is this. I'm a slider; I come from another universe. In my universe, you guys are a manga and anime series called Sailor Moon. There are also number of other universes that are also anime or manga series in my world. A little over a week ago, I suddenly started waking up in these next to some of my favorite female characters. I don't know why, and I don't know how. All I know is the pattern. And thanks to this weird pattern, the crystal is currently in the possession of a fruitcake mad scientist backed by a number of superhuman magical combat cyborgs."

There was total silence for several seconds. The girls, save Usagi and Luna were all looking at me with varying levels of shock. Rei had turned a slight shade of red. Apparently she caught the undertone just like every other female thus far in the explanation. She already knew part of the explanation, but I hadn't fully made the connection the first time.

"And when I find out who did this to me," I continued in an elevated tone. "I'm going to kick its ass even if I have to figure out a way to develop godlike powers in the process!"

Rei continued to turn a darker shade of red.

"Seriously?" Makoto finally spoke up. "You expect us to believe that?"

"Seriously.' Luna glared at the lightning Senshi. "I've been there, I've seen his room. I was with him the entire time."

"You want proof?" I asked.

Kino nodded.

"I'll go get my proof then," I pushed my way out of the corner of Rei's bed and thumped solidly onto the floor.

"Uh..." Usagi began. "Guys... Luna... I think you broke Ami."

I glanced at the genius girl. Ami was staring off into space, her face changing rapidly through several expressions, as she no doubt tried to make sense of the explanation.

"Yoohoo," Usagi waved her hand in front of the girl's face. "Ami-chan!"

"She'll get over it," I shrugged, reaching over and grabbing the shopping bag with my new razor in it.

"Where are you going?" Luna asked.

"To change into my proof," I responded as I hefted my bag and walked out of the room.

I'll let them get a few minutes to themselves to discuss things with Luna. They'll probably take her word over mine, and I need to Let Rei defuse anyway.

Honestly, it felt comforting to put my hazard suit back on. After three days of optional enhanced strength, durability, and the added comfort it provided, not having it on left me feeling vulnerable. And I didn't want to admit it, but that one moment when Luna had picked me up in the 'WcDonalds' (Don't think about it...) had scared the shit out of me. Actually feeling her feline strength in action and realizing in that moment that she hadn't fully grasped the extent of that strength yet had left me feeling naked without my own strength enhancement. So getting the suit back on really helped me to relax.

Once I grit my teeth and took the rather unpleasant zap from the nerve connection calibration, I went about doing one of the other things I'd been meaning to do for three days.

Shaving...

Or at least, doing so once I managed to get the new razor out of the indestructible plastic it was encased in. I swear... You could build an impenetrable shield out of this stuff.

Luckily, my leatherman's knife came in handy there.

Once I got it free, shaving was a simple, if slightly tedious process in front of the mirror. My face was something like five or six days overgrown, so I did look a touch like some kind of bum. Ah hell, I looked like a hobo off the street. I was tempted for a second to leave part of it just to have an in-joke for myself. But I decided it was better to look as best as I could.

Once that was done, I gave a tired smile to the face in the mirror. I hadn't noticed before with the mess I'd been, but I had seriously lost a lot of weight around my face. The amount of forced healing I'd done, combined with my less than healthy diet of 'not enough' had taken its toll. I might have looked better, but the speed at which the unnatural weight loss had occurred had yet to give my skin the time it needed to adapt, so I looked slightly sunken and haggard in the mirror.

Turning away from the mirror with a sigh, I gave myself enough room to open my pocket, smiling once at the near inaudible 'fwip' it made as air pressures equalized. One fishing grab later, I closed it and tucked a box under my arm.

I passed Grampa Hino in the hall on the way back. When we made eye contact, he seemed to assess me for a second. Probably noting how cleaned up I had looked at this point. Nothing was said, but he nodded in seeming approval before continuing on towards the fire room. Or whatever that room was called. Inner temple? Who knows...

As I approached the room, I could hear what sounded like Ami's voice babbling at seemingly high speed for her. I caught a tidbit reached for the door about how there was no way a universe could accurately be a work of fiction in another because the odds were so improbable as to be impossible.

That was more or less my cue.

"Read more Douglas Adams," I commented as I slid the door open. Then with barely a thought I shifted the box in my arms.

"Usagi," I held it up. "Think fast."

The blond princess jerked back a bit as I tossed the small blue box right at her face. But her hands managed to snap up in time and snatch it out of the air.

"What is-?" She began, turning it over in her hands as she glanced down.

"My proof," I commented. "Just to convince anyone who still wasn't quite sure."

I watched Usagi's eyes widen as she managed to turn the box one way, then she fumbled it quickly another direction, then yet another as she begin to grin from ear to ear.

"It's," she laughed. "It's ME!"

"What?" Makoto practically jumped over the table, followed by Ami.

"It's ME!" Usagi repeated. Then she flipped it around again, sliding the two DVD cases out of the box. "See? I TOLD you we were a TV show!"

"Hey whoa!" Makoto commented as she took the now empty box from Usagi. "It's even got a drawing of the moon wand on it!"

I laughed a little to myself as the three practically gushed over it. I mean, it was just the box, but they were all over it like ants at a picnic. I'd love to see the looks on their faces if they could actually watch the episodes. But unfortunately, DVD players were lacking at this time.

"These are disturbingly accurate caricatures," Ami commented, looking at the back of the second season-half box. "I mean, it's typical anime coloring, but there's no mistaking Usagi on the front."

"No mistake nothing," Makoto commented. "This is amazing!"

I noticed around that moment, that there was at least one person who wasn't getting in to the little toss around exchange between the other three Senshi. Rei, who hadn't moved from her spot, was just sitting there, looking... Not shocked. That wasn't the right way to describe the glazed look in her eyes. Like she was looking through the wall...

"Hey," I tapped her on the shoulder. "You okay?"

"Eh?" the younger Hino glanced at me for a second. Then her cheeks turned red a moment later as she flushed.

"Er... uh, yeah," she continued, her tone completely falsetto. "I mean, I knew I was fiction to other people because of what you said last time. But, to really see it with my own eyes, is just..."

She still can't lie to save her life.

"You're my favorite character here and you don't really know what to think" I commented quietly. That did it. Her face went so red I had to wonder if all the blood in her body had rushed to the top of her skull.

Rei fidgeted in place and quickly tried to find a direction to look that would hide her face before the others had a chance to notice. At a loss as to that, her hands came up shaking before she finally just threw them on her face to try and hide behind them. Even then, her fingers wouldn't stop moving as she drummed them on her forehead.

Well, that explains her reaction to the Favorites Game.

Best guess, is that none of the girls I've met are used to the concept of actually being someone's favorite. Not like this. Ayeka almost shut down with the realization of how in depth I knew her. Motoko had gone completely shy and demure at the mere implication that someone genuinely liked her. I think Ritsuko missed that part of the explanation, if I had even mentioned it at all.

"Hey," I tapped her on the shoulder again. "Word of advice... Don't try to over think it. I've already gotten this reaction out of several other people. To be honest, everyone's over blowing the whole 'favorite character' bit if you ask me."

"R-really?" the younger Hino let out a shuddering breath.

"I'd be lying if I said I didn't like you," I shrugged. "But I wasn't exactly planning on my favorite pick of characters to turn out to be real either."

Rei dropped her hands and took a deep breath before continuing.

"So," she continued at length. "It's not like THAT..."

I let a single laugh out.

"I don't think I would have lived this long if it were," I smirked.

"So what DO you like about me?" She asked, turning a more serious look on me.

"Eh..." I shrugged. "Dunno... I've always liked the feisty, hot-tempered characters. More entertaining."

"That's all?" Rei asked. She seemed to either ignore, or not notice when I called her 'hot tempered'.

"Well," I shrugged again. "Bonus points for being cute not withstanding. I guess it's partly because I'm naturally good at getting along with the real thing. A few friends of mine back home are bipolar. And out of all the people I know, they get along with me the best, and I get along with them the best. Maybe it's because I don't really let it bother me. It takes a lot to piss me off really. So maybe it just fits me. I don't know."

Rei digested that tidbit of information while her color slowly returned to normal. In retrospect, that felt a bit sappy to me. But then again, at this point, do I really care? So much to do, so many problems, so much stress. I'm not entirely sure how far I've pushed myself in the last week. But I'm pretty certain that at some point in all of this, some part of my mind was going to snap. And when it did, it wouldn't be pretty.

The only thing delaying it has probably been the silly things. Like Luna's humanoid form. So is sappy

"Hey," Usagi's comment at me brought our attention back to the rest of the group. "How do we watch these anyway? These are CDs..."

"You don't," Luna shook her head. "Those aren't CDs, those are..."

Luna turned to me.

"What did you call them?"

"D.V.D.s," I replied. "Digital Video Disks. Players for them won't exist until like, ninety-five or some time around there."

"Ninety five?" Ami asked, then picked the outer box up from where it had been sitting and looked at it more closely.

"Let's see," she commented idly.

"It's all in English," Usagi pouted. "I can't read it."

And I can't read any Japanese because Washu's language program seems to have quit on me. Maybe we should get together and compare notes. You can teach me to read Japanese, and I can teach you English. Everybody wins!

"Found it!" Ami announced. "And... Whoa. Sailor Moon Copyright two-thousand three Naoko Takeuchi, TOEI animation."

"Two thousand... and three?" Makoto blinked. "That's like, ten years in the future."

"You're from the future too?" Ami looked up at me. I shrugged.

"I guess, technically," I replied. "Though, it's twenty-ten, not O-three. I've had that box set for years."

Then I furrowed my brow.

"Copyrights are funny though. The show was made in like, ninety-two, or ninety-three."

Ami laughed once then set the box down.

"So," I began after a moment, glancing at the ladies present. "Does this explanation satisfy you?"

There was no response for a few seconds before Makoto leaned forward and place the DVD case section she was holding back in the box.

"Well I'm convinced," she nodded. "Though honestly, at this point it's not TOO strange..."

Ami nodded in agreement.

"Yes," she stated. "After all, when you describe us seriously, it sounds no less strange. Magical girls reincarnated from a long lost kingdom that spanned the entire solar system, awoken to protect the world from monsters that would conquer it."

Usagi continued to examine the disks she'd pulled from the DVD case she had.

"Its even got Tuxedo Kamen drawn on one of the disks!"

I knew she'd get a kick out of this. But now it was time to move on.

"You done yet?" I asked. "We got other things to discuss."

The blond looked at me with just a bit of a pout, seeming a bit upset having to part with what was essentially her fame and fortune. But she gave up the case with little fuss. I collected it and the box when Rei looked at me confused.

"Hey," she began. "Where were you keeping that anyway? You didn't have much of anything this-"

'Fwip'

I made sure I was clear when I opened the portal. The appearance of it in the air over my arm pretty much stunned Rei into total silence.

"Oh this just gets better and better," Makoto blinked as I stuck the box back into the black hole hovering in mid air.

"Incredible!" Ami jumped in. "Am I mistaken, or is that some kind of spatial pocket?"

"It's a..." I paused, trying to remember what Washu had told me. "-An access that connects to a private pocket-universe. Which is a self-contained independent thermodynamic entity approximately one and a half meters across."

Or something like that.

"Could you keep it open for a minute?" the blue-haired girl asked as she started fishing into a bag that she'd brought with her. "I want to scan it."

"Knock yourself out," I shrugged. "But be quick, my arm's getting tired already and I don't want to drop the portal into Rei's bed."

"What's wrong with that?" the latter mentioned asked.

"It'll cut it in half," I stated bluntly.

"Okay no problem," Ami commented while Rei blanched. The little genius pulled what appeared to be an older palm pilot out of her bag and flipped it open. It wasn't hard to identify the so dubbed 'Mercury Computer'. But unlike a lot of things I'd seen, nothing about it seemed to stick out to me. Probably because of the prevalence of modern mobile technology... I guess you could say the most interesting thing about it was that it was completely uninteresting.

"That's odd," Ami continued after a moment.

"What is?" I asked.

Ami looked up from her computer and furrowed her brow.

"It's got to be interference from the portal," she continued idly. "Close it please."

Done...

Ami frowned deeper as she glanced at her screen again. Then typed a few things.

"No," she shook her head at last. "This can't be right. This doesn't make SENSE."

Welcome to my worldview...

"What's the matter?" Rei asked. Ami looked up at me, seemingly concerned.

"How are you alive?" she asked.

"Pardon?"

"My scans," Ami motioned with her computer. "According to this, I'm detecting that suit you've got on under your clothes. But when I scan your body, it barely detects anything at all. It's like the suit's just standing there by itself. According to my readings, more than seventy percent of your body mass is missing, and you have no life force readings. You should be dead. In fact, you shouldn't even EXIST."

"Are you sure it's not broken?" Usagi attempted to provide helpfully.

"I don't think so," Ami shook her head. "I get scans of everyone else correctly and strong life force readings. But there's no mistaking it. He doesn't show up on scans."

"How's that thing work?" I asked. I think I already knew what her mistake was.

"I'm not sure," Ami looked down at the computer. "It's magic after all, so I've never had to mess with it."

Thought so...

"It's probably Medium Transfer Principle at work again," I shrugged.

"What's that?" Came pretty much the collective question.

"Something Washu explained to me," I sighed and sat down on the bed again. "In simple terms when matter from one universe travels to another, it retains the properties of the original universe."

"That's how we saved your Grampa," I turned to Rei. "I had a Tanto that belonged to an exorcist from one of my earlier hops. So it worked as an amplifier for your psychic powers when you charged it up."

Rei nodded at my explanation.

"But why can't I detect you?" Ami asked.

"Because there is no magic like we have here in his home universe," Luna concluded informatively. "Which means that it just passes right through him."

"And that makes him invisible to it then, right?" Usagi added.

I nodded to Usagi, who smiled. Not bad princess; Not bad...

"Which is why Zoicite's attack didn't hurt you," Rei realized. "And why he freaked out when you got up! He couldn't feel your life force because you don't have any!"

I nodded to the fire Senshi.

"Zoicite went head to head with what as far as he knew, was a walking undead murderous corpse," I chuckled before taking a deep breath.

Then I laughed.

"And then I told him I was DEATH!"

We all laughed at that one before I stopped and took another deep breath.

"And then I killed him."

Nobody really caught the seriousness in my tone before Makoto continued.

"Fitting," she shook her head. "Good riddance."

"Now I am become death," Ami suddenly piped in. "The Destroyer of Worlds."

The room fell silent and cast a look at her.

"It's a quote from the Bhagavad Gita," she continued into the silence. "I thought it seemed fitting."

"Which is funny," I shook my head. "In an ironic way. Because if I don't find a way to get your crystal back, I really AM become the destroyer of worlds here. Namely, yours."

That sobered the humorous mood up right quick.

"Let me just be serious for a moment here," I continued. "The entire situation is screwed up. That rainbow crystal is a piece of the Silver Crystal. The Silver Crystal is pretty much everyone's goal. Whoever has it, wins instantly."

I waited a moment before I continued.

"Since that piece is off in another universe, nobody gets the crystal. With no Silver Crystal, victory goes to the strongest side. And right now, the Dark Kingdom has an unknown number of monsters, an angry general, a bitch sorceress, and an eldrich horror that can lay waste to entire cities if it ever manages to wake up. Your side has... You. And I'm going to be brutally honest so don't take this as an insult... Five teenage girls who don't know the first thing about combat, and don't even fully understand your own magical powers... Who do you think is going to win this?"

The four Senshi currently assembled around me looked between each other uneasily before Usagi's features hardened.

"We've been beating them steadily for a while now," she continued. "We can win!"

The other three nodded.

"If the your enemy keeps sending monsters at you one at a time like they've been doing to this point," I continued. "Yeah, you could win easily. Your enemy hasn't really taken you seriously to this point."

Then I crossed my arms and stood up, making use of my meager height advantage over the girls currently sitting to inflect my next point.

"So what happens when they decide you're no longer 'annoying pests' and actually put everything in to trying to kill you?"

I felt like I was giving a briefing all of a sudden.

"Which brings up the current problem," I continued. "I met Zoicite's butt-buddy Kunzite this morning."

"He was here again?" Rei jumped up. "Is gramp-"

I cut her off with a hand in front of her face.

"I ran the guy off. But I think I made a really big mistake when I did so..."

"What happened?" Ami was giving me a very stern, measuring look. She was ready to evaluate the situation just as soon as possible.

"I scared the crap out of him," I told the girl. "I scared him with a bullshit story about Zoicite getting killed by a Jedi Knight."

"A Jedi?" Makoto cut in. "As in... Star Wars, Jedi?"

I nodded.

"You scared off someone as powerful as him with a story about a guy with a laser sword?"

Makoto started to laugh, which quickly infected Usagi, then finally Rei. Yeah, from their point of view, and mine, that did sound pretty funny. But Ami made clear eye contact with me and I noted that we weren't laughing at all.

"IT'S NOT FUNNY!" she exploded suddenly. The three looked at her with some measure of shock as she glared between them. Ami rarely ever yelled at anyone.

"This is a very big problem," she continued.

"Why is scaring him such a big deal?" Usagi asked, looking confused. "Don't we want him scared of us?"

"We want him scared of YOU," I nodded. "But I hyped him up against an insanely powerful, non-existent threat."

"So, what's that going to do?" Makoto asked. "I'm all for it if the Dark Kingdom decides they want to hide and never show their face ever again."

I glanced at Makoto and nodded, then looked at Ami.

"He's not going to," she nodded in understanding. All the girls gave the team strategist their attention.

"You think he's going to escalate," she continued. "That if he's scared, he's going to bring overwhelming force to fight."

I nodded. Ami nodded again.

"Guys," she began. "We have to step it up. The enemy is likely to act like a caged animal."

"So what's the plan?" Rei asked.

"I say we hit them first," Makoto smacked her fist into her palm. "Give them a reason to be afraid.

"They always have some kind of plan going before we even know it though," Usagi whined. "How do we hit them first if we can't even FIND them?"

"We already know what the next move is," Luna piped in. "There is still one Rainbow Crystal left to gather, and one last monster."

"But the crystals are useless if they can't get the last one," Usagi frowned.

"We know that," I nodded to her. "He doesn't. He'll go after that crystal. We get there first, and we hit him before he knows what's going on. He's probably prepared to deal with your usual antics, not to get blind-sided with half a dozen magic attacks Tuxedo Kamen style..."

If it was the only thing Mamoru was really good at in that getup, it was that armor-piercing, sniper rifle-accurate roses. Why he never went for a headshot instead of just tagging hands is beyond me.

"A predictable enemy is one that is easier to fight," Ami nodded. "But he's still powerful, so we should be careful."

"I should have lopped his head off when I had the chance," I sighed, then sat back down on the bed. "I had the biggest free shot in the world."

"Just how close were you anyway?" Luna asked.

I stood up from where I was sitting and crouched down next to Luna, then slowly leaned forward until my face was just inches away from hers. We just sat there for a minute until it finally clicked in her head what I was doing.

"Oh my..." she blinked.

"Yeah," I nodded sarcastically. "Pretty damn close. Just one 'shlip!' from my portal, and we'd have one less problem for the time being."

I leaned back until I flopped back to take the stress off my knees.

"Only reason I didn't was because it was too public."

"It's a good thing you have no powers he can feel," Luna sighed. "That close and even a blind idiot monster would be able to feel the Senshi's powers."

"All the easier to sneak up on him later," I shrugged. "Like I did Zoicite..."

Then I stopped.

"Why didn't he notice me though?" I pondered aloud. "You figure that close and he'd have noticed something."

"There's nothing to notice with you," Ami provided.

"Yeah," I nodded. "Exactly. Nothing to detect. So when I'm Mister Dark and Spooky and I walk up to an average human, I'd expect to feel the life force of an average human."

Usagi jumped in.

"He should feel something, right?" she asked.

Ten points for Usagi.

"Luna," I turned. "Can you sense me, or rather, tell me apart from anyone else in here? We've got to know right now before we plan anything. I could have bluffed into a counter-bluff."

"I honestly couldn't tell you," she shook her head. "All I've been able to sense today is Senbei's energies. I could feel him before we even got off the bus earlier."

I let out a breath I'd been holding. Okay, so Senbei probably made everything so foggy to their senses that Kunzite didn't notice I lacked life force. The little Demon God was just- Wait a second!

SENBEI!

I shot to my feet, scaring all the girls.

Where did Rei put him?

I spun around trying to remember this morning. Rei had grabbed him and tossed him somewhere before throwing me under the covers... What was it?

Drawer!

"I can't believe I forgot," I snapped as I turned and yanked out the top dresser drawer next to me.

"HEY!" Rei suddenly snapped. "What are you-"

"FINALLY!" Senbei snapped as he popped up. All the girls simultaneously jumped back.

"I thought I'd never get out of there," he shrugged. "Though I was starting to get comfortable."

"So I noticed," I replied, taking two fingers and pulling a bra off his head. Then I dropped it back into the drawer.

"Bah," Senbei shrugged and teleported from the drawer to my shoulder with a tiny pop. "Five hours in the dark and you learn to make the best of it."

Then he turned to the girls. Save for Rei and Luna, the others were gawking.

"Ladies..." he floated up and took a sweeping bow. As he did so Rei shifted back on one foot and did her best to quickly shut the drawer with a thud.

"What IS that thing?" Makoto's eyes were practically the size of saucers. "It's like some kind of doll with horrible dress sense."

Senbei ignored the less than flattering comment she made as he straightened up and took on his most dignified air. Which honestly, was still his most absurd.

"Allow me to introduce myself," he continued.

Oh boy, here it comes.

"I am Senbei," he began flamboyantly. "Top ELITE god of poverty, and misfortune. Assigned by the Daimakaicho herself to assist-"

My hand shot out and plucked the little Demon God out of the air.

"Skip it," I stated curtly.

"Yessir," he grunted.

Ami had her computer out again and was typing away furiously as I let the demon god go. Senbei did his best to straighten his rather gaudy jacket when she spoke up.

"Amazing!" she began. "Even though he's tiny, his abilities are off the charts. He has massive amounts of energy in reserve, and an unusual array of macro-scale quantum manipulation abilities."

"I'm sorry," Rei shook her head. "WHAT?"

"He's a luck demon," Ami clarified to her friend. "Or at least, that's the best way I could describe it. He's also stronger than all the youma we've faced up to this point COMBINED."

Senbei beamed with pride at the blue haired senshi's description of him. And even flexed his arms and did that absurd looking 'buff up' inflation. And to think, he's a joke compared to Marller or Urd, who are in turn, jokes compared to Hild.

"Heh,' I tapped Luna with my foot. "They have no clue do they?"

Luna snorted a laugh and shook her head.

"No they don't," she shrugged. Then she looked at Senbei, then at me again, this time more seriously.

"But I think this solves one problem," she continued. "I think we have our cannon. "

"We do," I glanced at Senbei again. "Don't we?"

Luna nodded and hopped up on the bed next to me.

"Now we just have to solve the next problem," she continued. "We have to find Rhett Butler."

The other girls looked at us as she said that.

"Who's Rhett Butler?" Rei asked.

"Sounds like a gone with the wind reference," Ami frowned.

"The last crystal carrier," Luna advised. "He's a large overweight cat belonging to some little girl whose family spends a lot of time away. I know what he looks like, but I don't know where we'd find him. If we can get to him first, we can get the jump on Kunzite."

Luna paused and looked up at me. Technically no matter how soon we acted, we'd get there right in time to get caught in the middle of it. But the sooner we acted, the less prepared Kunzite should be to handle the situation. Which greatly increases our chances of winning, perhaps even taking Kunzite out.

"It could take days or even weeks to find him though," Ami shook her head. "The Moon Wand only reacts to them at close range. And I haven't been able to produce a sensor that tracks over a larger distance."

"I've got a plan," Luna announced. That even made me do a double take.

"Plan?" I asked. "When did you come up with a plan?"

"On the bus," Luna gave me a slightly insulted look that said 'I'm not an idiot.'

"What kind of plan is it?" Rei asked.

"Simple," Luna commented. "We can't go to Rhett, so we make Rhett come to us."

"OHHHHH!" Senbei suddenly raised his voice and floated over next to Luna. "You are thinking that perhaps you could bait him like in that episode. Are you not?"

Luna nodded.

"In that case," Senbei nodded. "I suspect that the probability of being fortunate increases dramatically. We should have results by this evening if my thoughts are correct."

"This evening," I nodded. Good. We can get this done by the end of the day. I'm going to be dead tired though. I'm already exhausted from the interruptions I've been getting to my sleep. It's more than I got last week, but I'd rather be at one hundred percent when it comes to dealing with an alert Kunzite.

I should have taken his head off when I had the chance...

Now I've got no choice but to get these girls into a fight with him over my stupid mistakes. Goddamn I need to stop second-guessing myself. I've thought my way into more problems than I know what to do with.

I sighed quietly.

I'm just going to need to suck it up and down a metric fuck-ton of caffeine or something.

Or do I?

Wait!

I made sure my arm was clear as I turned and opened my portal. After a few seconds (and more curious stares) I found my backpack and pulled it out. Shutting the portal, I rummaged through my bag until I found the small sack I'd gotten nearly a week ago from Cologne.

I worked my ass off for these things, and this is EXACTLY what they were for.

"What are you doing?" Luna asked.

"I need to be running on all cylinders for this," I unfolded one of the wrapped up pieces of chocolate laced with the Joketsuzoku's personal blend of stimulants 'that weren't speed'.

If I remember, the dose in these was weaker, and should last me only six hours or so. That should be enough to do the job. And if not, I can take another one.

I took a bite out of it and ate it slowly, remembering how the old crone had informed me after the fact that it was not meant to be popped like a pill.

"You okay eating that?" Luna asked, her voice switching to that of concern. "You didn't keep any breakfast down, and you barely managed what little lunch you ate. Who knows how well your stomach can handle that concoction."

"I have no choice," I shrugged as I worked to finish the thing off. "Either it stays down, or it doesn't and –"

My eyes jumped up to Usagi and my adrenaline spiked.

"OOOOH-NONONONONO!" I snapped as she made to stick a piece of the tainted chocolate in her mouth.

Luna was even faster, air expanding away from her with a loud crack as she tackled the young blond girl at record speed. Speaking of speed records. I never even saw Usagi fish the piece out of my bag. When it came to food, that girl was freakin' fast.

"That's NOT candy," Luna snapped in a serious tone.

Usagi blinked back in shock at the young lady now firmly pinning her down.

"L-Luna?" she began.

"Drop it," the Felis Sapien snapped.

Usagi's hand opened and the little piece of sleep remedy dropped to the floor. Ami swiftly collected it.

"That was made for me," I continued at the shocked princess. "It'll probably give you a heart-attack."

"Don't touch anything," Luna continued for me. "Don't touch his weapons, don't touch his equipment, and don't try to EAT anything he has. There's no telling what might happen to you. Understand?"

Usagi just nodded mutely at the catgirl. Once she was Satisfied that what she said had gotten through, Luna slowly backed off.

"When did you-" Usagi began. "You can do that?"

"I can now," Luna smirked. "You're certainly not going to ignore me any more, are you?"

Usagi let out an uneasy laugh and blushed as the other girls giggled at the spectacle. As a minor though, I dug into one of my shopping bags and pulled out one of the Hershey bars Luna had tossed in.

"Here," I tossed and landed it in Usagi's lap. "That's for being a champ."

Usagi's eyes practically sparkled when she saw it. And in seconds, the Senshi tore into it like a hungry shark.

Kids and candy...

"Hey," Rei tapped me on the shoulder. "Any for the rest of us?"

As if reacting on her words, the other three girls looked at me expectantly.

"Sorry," I shrugged. "The other one's for an emergency in case my blood sugar borks. If want more chocolate, you have to fight that thing for it."

I indicated Usagi, who was already half way through her chocolate bar.

"Punk," Rei smirked in a faux insulted tone, and punched me lightly in the shoulder.

I fell over clutching my arm like I'd been clubbed with a two by four.

"GOD DAMMIT!" I grit my teeth. Rei jumped back in surprise looking shocked.

"What happened?" she snapped in shock.

I quickly sat up again because the floor was ice cold.

"Are you okay?" Luna asked, quickly moving to check on me. "What happened?"

"Not so loud," I snapped back. Then I remembered that the old crone had sunk a shot of scotch into me before she'd given me the first dose. Hypersensitivity, that was the side effect.

"God DAMN," I snarled in English. "I hope this doesn't happen every time I do this."

Ami looked at her computer and then back up at me, then shook her head.

"Everyone keep quiet and give him some space," she commented softly. Though honestly, it felt like she was speaking at a borderline shout.

"Why?" Rei tuned it down to a whisper. "What happened?"

"He just ingested a borderline overdose of methylphenidate." The blue-haired senshi replied. "He's suffering from agitation symptoms. Give him a minute or two to relax."

I leaned back against the bed, the throbbing in my head subsiding a little.

"So the crone mixed methylphenidate into it?" I asked. "Sounds familiar... What is it?"

"Oh," Ami chirped a little too loud. "Sorry. You might know it by its more common pharmaceutical name."

"And that is?" I asked in irritation.

Ami almost laughed but managed to keep it in.

"Ritalin." She stated.

...

You're shitting me.

You're FUCKING shitting me...


	21. Kill the Middle

* * *

**Chapter twenty one: Kill the Middle**

_"Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn."_

_\- Gone with the Wind_

* * *

 

I now know what an ejection seat feels like.

Or at least, a very close approximation...

Aside from the 'awesome' factor involved in watching the Sailor Senshi jump from solid ground, three to five stories straight up to the top of a building, I don't think anyone's ever really thought about it. And I mean REALLY, thought about it.

The act of power jumping I mean.

Let me take you back to your physics class, once upon a time.

Breaking it down, the act of jumping consists of four universal laws. The first three are Sir Isaac Newton's laws of motion. You know those little rascals, they pretty much dictate how everything you know about basic mechanics works. From how your car moves, to how YOU move.

The fourth belongs to either Einstein, or Gallileo... Or maybe it was Newton here again, but my mind's been a bit too occupied to remember the whose who of historical science. Needless to say I kind of made it obvious I'm talking about Gravity. Let's just go with it.

In this particular case, you might want to look up a more accurate section known as Ballistics.

See, it works like this: Thanks to our long deceased scientific experts, we know that gravity exerts its force on all objects at all times. If you're the type to suddenly have it all come flooding back to you, you should remember that on the surface of the Earth, this results in a never ending pull towards the ground at exactly nine point eight one meters a second squared.

Now, as one might have guessed where this was going, in order to jump onto the roof of a building, one must first overcome the force of gravity. That's pretty simple, since any reasonably fit person can do so with even the smallest jump. Except when someone jumps they get, what, two feet of air? Gravity slows their ascent down, and reverses their direction to bring them back down to Earth.

The obvious solution to this is simple enough. To go higher, you need to go up, faster, so by the time you slow down, you're as high as you want to be.

Now, how fast do you have to go to get on top of a five-story building? I don't know. My physics class was something like eight years ago, and my lackluster math skills did not really contribute to my full understanding of vectors in relation to ballistics.

But you give me a concept, and I can dig it.

In order to jump high, you must go fast. In order to go fast enough, you need a lot of power. For that, you need to be strong.

I know what you're thinking. 'What an absurdly long winded way to point out that in order to jump on top of a building, the Senshi must have REALLY strong legs.'

Now, while true, I'm not done yet.

Recall our buddy Newton. Just because the Senshi have magically boosted leg strength, doesn't mean his laws take a break. See: Newton's third law states that for every action, there is an equal yet opposite reaction.

Brain awake yet?

Okay, so what does this have to do with the Senshi?

Well, in order to do this sort of power jump, you need to push off the ground, HARD. All fine and dandy. But remember that third law. In order to go UP, they have to push DOWN... Except here's the thing. Once your feet leave the ground in a jump, you no longer have anything to push against. This means that in order to power jump, the Senshi must produce all the speed necessary in that first fraction of a second as they push off the ground.

Do you see the problem yet?

It might seem like such a little thing to miss, but the act of jumping on anything resembling the scale these girls can pull off is like going from naught, to a hundred miles per hour in a second. Going back to Newton: His first law states that objects in motion (or at rest) will remain in motion (at rest) unless acted upon by an outside force. We call this wonderful little gem of information 'inertia'. And if you noticed, the value of 'in motion', and 'at rest' are completely interchangeable...

What this tells you in simplified form, is that going from naught to a hundred, is exactly the same thing as going from a hundred to naught. I don't know about you, but going from one hundred miles per hour to a dead stop in under a second is not the most pleasant experience ever known. Anyone been in a head-on car collision at fifty miles per hour? Cumulative speed from the two vehicles equals one hundred miles per hour... And the cars don't come out looking so hot.

The people come out even less so at times.

So you're probably asking what any of this have to do with me?

Well, after I took my 'borderline overdose' of Ritalin, we spent at least an hour and a half, maybe two hours deciding exactly how to go about Luna's plan. Ami watched me like a hawk the entire time, probably expecting me to go into convulsions or something. In the back of my mind, I made a mental note to never take any more of those things in a full dose. Maybe half, or quarter doses.

Luna's plan was absurdly simple, which probably meant it was going to go all kinds of wrong, but from a logical perspective, it was sound. OTL, or 'Original Timeline', the entire situation revolved around Luna having what had to be the worst possible day EVER... Being chased by what had to be every alley cat in Roppongi. Rhett Butler then performed a rescue not unlike the typical flare Tuxedo Kamen did with his concrete cracking roses... Except with fish bones. I'm not sure how that would look to see it actually happen, but I'm sure it would be at least worth the price of admission to watch.

Luna's idea was simple enough. We can't find Rhett, but Rhett can find Luna, and was in fact BOUND to find her if my comments on coincidences around here were accurate.

Confident in the information between the two of us, Luna decided that she would act as bait for this little operation. She was of course, not the least bit worried about getting hurt since, if it really came down to it, and she had no other choice... Well, they were all just cats, and she was a superhuman transforming catgirl.

My gut told me this was too easy. After what I experienced at Hinata and in the woods of TWHE the last few days, I didn't trust this plan in the least. But we had nothing else to go on but wild guesses. Tokyo was just too densely populated for us to go wandering around, hoping our random encounter tables were set up favorably.

Between Luna and myself, we spent the better part of an hour just figuring out what exactly could go wrong, and why it would go wrong that way. It was an exercise in madness, until Ami had the bright idea of having Senbei calculate the probability of certain situations.

I had broken in my new clipboard rather quick, determined to figure out a way to ensure that we didn't end up screwed by 'plot mechanics'. Ultimately, I ended up with a clipboard full of my chicken scratch abbreviated notes listing the most probable, as well as the most insane situations we could think up.

Usagi tossed in 'random meteor impact' to add to the list of things that can go wrong. I really wish she hadn't, because every five minutes or so after that, I caught myself looking at the sky, and the low-hanging clouds. I mean really, where the fuck did the bunny manage to come up with that one? I'd expect that from the guys on Spacebattles, not her.

Ultimately, it fell into a discernible pattern. While the circumstances were varied, each problem centered on one of three factors:

\- Rhett Gets Away.

\- Kunzite gets to Rhett First.

\- Outside Interference.

In order to mitigate these, I conspired with Ami on selecting a location we could draw Rhett to that would give us more or less a clear vantage, while still being able to draw him into a more or less confined space, away from people. A space that would allow us to see Kunzite first and hit him, preferably from outside, and above. Picking a vantage in a place the size of Tokyo that fit all the criteria at the same time was pretty much an exercise in futility, but we had to work with something.

My other contribution to Luna's plan was to guarantee her safety. Usagi and Ami would follow her from the rooftops at a reasonable distance. While she was now more than capable of fending off a few hundred alley cats, I didn't trust everything to go so smoothly as to leave her alone. If there was outside interference, or if Kunzite made his move before Luna got to the, I dubbed it the 'Killzone'... If anything happened ahead of time, we at least were prepared to backpedal.

I wasn't going to get my hopes up though. Hinata was like a closed system with a limited number of failure modes I could predict. This was an entirely different animal.

No matter what though, it was this, or a dice roll followed by scrambling to put something together.

I'll take my chances with a plan.

After spending, in my opinion, way too much time putting the, I don't want to call it a plan... After spending way too much time putting the 'operation' together, we set out. Luna took off to antagonize as many local alley cats as she possibly could. Usagi and Ami followed shortly after that, leaving me with Rei and Makoto to go set up the killzone.

Simple enough in theory, but execution wasn't so easy. The vantage I wanted was on top of a twelve-story building about a mile away from the shrine. And it was quickly apparent that for all my capabilities, I was only human, and could only move so fast.

I wanted them to go on ahead and I'd just catch up. But Rei pointed out that I'd probably get lost. I was about to argue when Makoto decided to just cut to the chase. Being the largest Senshi in the group, she had no second thoughts about scooping me right off my feet and taking off for the nearest rooftop.

It was that very moment that I realized I was in for a really rough ride.

The first bounce had been to a two-story building. I'd barely finished grunting from the shock of the takeoff when we landed, sending a jolt right to my bones. No sooner did I get over that then did little miss lightning bolt shoot into her next jump, aiming for a four-story building.

Between the high G jumps, and the equally rough landings, it was like getting repeatedly slammed around like some twisted game of destruction bumper cars. Consider me glad she didn't make any jumps higher than two or three stories.

This quickly fell into a pattern until we were hauling ass at a pretty good clip. I noticed at some point, that while she was running on a solid rooftop, her speed wasn't all that much better than any other person. But the moment she jumped, it was like being shot out of a canon. Or ejected from a jet fighter... I had to close my eyes for it. Not from the fear of heights, but instead, from the stinging of the wind on my face and the near-crushing sensation of acceleration. I wish I'd put my helmet on before she grabbed me...

The bounding was not very helpful on my stomach either. While it had mellowed out quite a bit since this morning, I was still technically sick, and had not really been able to hold anything more substantial than a few bites of burger down. The horrible amount of start/stop motion I had experienced by the time we reached the destination building had left it so upset. That when Jupiter finally put me down, I had to go stick my head over the side and wait to see if I was going to vomit up what little I had in me.

Luckily, I didn't. But to make things more miserable, my body was absolutely aching from the jolts. Cool as the jumping was, it was brutal. I don't know what magic function the Senshi had to make them immune to such forces, but they can essentially ignore the kind of accelerations that normally leave fighter pilots with compressed spines for a month. I cannot. And I made sure to let Makoto know it as soon as I could speak properly.

She just called me a big baby. I replied with some irritation that I might as well be a baby with how fragile my body was in comparison to her magic enforced super-jumps. The Senshi, unfortunately, just did not yet seem to grasp the depth at which the mechanics of Medium Transfer Principle altered the interaction between them, and myself.

For god's sake, I'm wearing a suit of skin-mimicking, strength enhancing body armor just to keep from getting accidentally killed by a high five! Is that SO hard to grasp?

Know what? Fuck it... Ami can explain it to her; I'm tired of repeating myself.

After we 'set up shop' as I called it, which was really just a fancy way of saying 'started waiting', we kept contact with Usagi and Ami via their communicators. There wasn't much to report, just the occasional commentary on Luna's rounds.

That left us with virtually nothing to do but kill time. There wasn't much to do on the roof of an apartment building really. I could stand around, maybe stare at the cityscape around me. But it was all just rows upon rows of buildings to me. My 'big city' experience was not all that good, even with Luna's guiding earlier in the morning. About the only thing worth looking at was the Tokyo Tower off to my right. And even that was kind of 'meh' after a while. It's a TV broadcast tower with observation decks.

Rei and Makoto, who knew the area like the back of their hand, weren't so preoccupied with their surroundings. Instead, the two of them grew fidgety from the waiting. When Rei finally complained to me about how this was taking an absurd amount of time, my response was 'Welcome to the Army' without even skipping a beat, which only worked to draw an irritated look from the younger girl.

Ah, hurry up and wait... Rei has absolutely no idea what it really means. We used to stand in formation longer than this just because the Drills had nothing better for us to do. Fidgeting around on a rooftop with a cool wind blowing just doesn't compare to standing in the heat and humidity with your feet going numb. And hey, given the alternative to waiting around is fighting for our very lives, I think I can handle some waiting.

Not that I wasn't at least partially sentimental to her complaint. Luna's plan was taking a bit of time to execute. And waiting always makes you imagine the things that could go wrong. And I have a horribly vivid imagination...

I was also getting hungry again. Upset stomach or no upset stomach, I was running on virtually crumbs. The longer this took, the more likely I was going to break into that chocolate bar Luna had the brilliance to grab for me. The last thing I need is low blood sugar in the middle of what could very quickly become a raging firefight.

All and all, I was secretly miserable. I wasn't about to show it, seeing as I was trying to project an air of 'know what the fuck I'm doing' to the girls. But honestly, if anyone was more nervous about what was about to go down, it was me.

In order to take my mind off it, I began chatting with the two Senshi. It started with a basic explanation of what we were doing here on the roof. Nervous as I was getting, it was the only thing I could really keep my mind settled on that I could speak without sounding like an express train.

Both girls seemed to get the idea of the 'kill zone' easily enough. The concept is simple to understand. You want the enemy you're attacking in the middle. This way, he can only turn and attack one person at a time, while everyone can fire inwards at him at once. Ideally, you concentrate massive amounts of firepower into a very small space.

When Rei inquired me more directly if this is what I'd tried a week ago, my response had been simple. If we actually had anything like a 'kill zone' in that fight, it would have been over in less than twenty seconds. A kill zone is a nasty piece of work. Most modern maneuver warfare is essentially methods of putting the enemy into a kill zone so you could hammer him. Sniper in a building? He's an air strike away from toast. Infantry fight stalling? A radio call for artillery is like summoning the fist of an angry god. Armored cavalry caught in the open by air support? Carnage, but always from the outside.

On top of a kill zone, the idea of clustering together was also on my list of things to comment on. I let Mars know that at NO POINT should she, or Jupiter ... Or any of them in fact, group together during a fight. Kunzite has this little dark shield bubble-dome trick he does. If everyone clumps together, it only takes him a second to fling it up.

I had to check myself to keep from going overboard. As much as there were so many things I personally considered to be 'WRONG' with that they were doing, they were still essentially just children. And I didn't want to sound like I was harping on them. I also didn't want to get on to them considering that for everything I saw 'wrong', they still managed to win originally. So somehow, something worked for them.

And I'd rather not come across as some kind of obnoxious know-it-all. I mean, I know more about fighting than they do, but let's face it. I'm at best, a satcomm terminal trainee with three months of 'sit in a field and pretend you're going to fight something'. Before Motoko, before Zoicite, I hadn't seen anything even remotely resembling real action. There are literally hundreds of thousands of soldiers in the world, each more qualified than I am at this kind of thing...

But I'm the one standing here giving Rei a basic combat training lecture, not them.

And this isn't the OTL...

So that was the long and short of it. I spent another hour trying to give Rei and Makoto a lecture in modern military tactics without trying to sound like I was lecturing them in modern military tactics. That honestly makes no sense to me, but it's the closest way I could describe it.

The communication from Ami stating that they were heading our way was almost too welcome at this point.

"Okay," I nodded as soon as Rei was done talking. "Just like we talked about. When Luna draws the swarm in, wait for Rhett. Once that cat shows up, Moon will jump down to snag him. Got it?"

Rei nodded as I stepped away from the retainer wall to open my portal.

"What about you?" Makoto asked.

"I, or rather WE, will cover them," I commented as I drew out Jail's glove. I have a glove, helmet, strength enhancing protective suit... Much better than what I started with. But if only I had something better... like Master Chief's armor, shields and all. Then maybe I wouldn't feel so naked.

The next item out of the portal was my Mossberg. Makoto did a double take as I opened the action and inspected the chamber. Ritsuko had cleaned it meticulously, but never reloaded it from the looks of things.

"Whoa," Makoto commented. "Is that a gun?"

I glanced at Jupiter, tempted to make a sarcastic comment. But instead bit it back in favor of something a little less hostile.

"Yeah..." I nodded. "You have thunderbolts, I have a thunder-stick."

"You don't really think it's going to get that bad?" Rei asked me cautiously.

"Mars," I addressed her by her Senshi title. "I'm not only expecting it to get bad, I'm expecting everything to go to hell in a hand basket."

"You don't think Luna's plan is flawed do you?" Jupiter asked.

I laughed unsteadily.

"What?" she asked.

"That's just it," I commented. "Luna's plan is practically perfect."

I stopped to take a deep breath and fish the ammo case Washu had packed all my special rounds into.

"Which is why we're so screwed..."

Mars glanced at me in confusion.

"I'm afraid I don't follow," Jupiter crossed her arms before the fire senshi could comment.

"I'm not going to try and explain it right now," I shook my head. "All I can say at the moment is that whatever is about to happen, something is going to go wrong. Big time."

"Are you serious?" Jupiter asked.

I closed my portal and looked at her, letting a frown cross my face

"Does this look like my joking face to you?" I asked.

The lightning Senshi put her hands up as if to apologize for asking.

"Okay," she stated. "Okay. You're serious."

"How bad?" Rei asked abruptly.

"I wish I knew," I shook my head, glancing down at my shells.

"Well," Jupiter continued a moment later. "If that's the case, I'm going to go ahead and head over to my spot with Senbei. I can't wait to see what kind of tricks he can pull off."

Jupiter turned and hopped up on the retainer wall then bent only just the slightest at the knees before taking off in almost complete silence like she'd been strapped to a rocket.

I stared after her for a few seconds, pondering just how exactly their magic worked to give them that ability. Was it some kind of inertia suppression, or something that gave them limited flight? I don't know, and I wish I did. And knowing was half the battle.

Speaking of battles...

Turning back to my weapon, I placed physics questions in the back of my mind. Right now, for better or worse, things were about to go down. If I want to come out of this alive, with things in my favor, I need to be ready to do it...

And my hands are shaking. Dammit, I'm scared again. Fuckin...

Focus.

Of course I'm scared though. I'm about to willingly start a firefight. Not just get dragged into one, but actually be the source, trigger, and primary motivation of one. I'd be nervous doing that with normal humans. And I'm about to start one with a flying, teleporting, energy blast-throwing, dark general supervillain. Just look at the description, I'm deliberately starting a fight with a SUPER-VILLAIN.

I closed my eyes and heaved a deep breath. Calm DOWN.

"You okay?" I heard Rei ask.

"I'm fine," I replied.

"You're shaking..."

"I'm Fine." I stated more assertively, causing Rei to glare at me.

Yes, I'm fine. I defeated Zoicite; I fought a monster, and won. I bargained face to face with Hild, I faced a room packed full of combat cyborgs. These girls, these CHILDREN can face this guy down and come out on top, which means I can too.

So STOP, SHAKING.

Damn adrenaline...

Better focus on how I want to direct this fight, uh...

Ammo!

Yeah, don't want to start a fight with an empty weapon do I?

How do I want to fight?

That's simple, as far away as possible. That would mean sitting half a continent away directing air strikes or something. But I can't call in air strikes, so I guess sniping is my best bet. Which means the round in the chamber will definitely be a backlash. I want the first shot to be the only shot if I can help it.

I quickly extracted one of the black, single-striped rounds and shoved it into Mossy's chamber.

Now, if I miss the first shot, he'll probably teleport. Which means I won't get two shots at range unless I'm lucky.

And I don't think my special skill is luck, that's Senbei's skill.

Much as I'm loath to think about it, I'll probably be fighting Kunzite up close if I miss. And up close, the backlash rounds won't work so well. On top of that, if I miss, they'll go through concrete buildings like a hot knife through butter. But I still want a lot of stopping power.

I could go with regular buckshot. I still have something like twenty left. But it took a lot to bring Zoicite down, and Kunzite's even worse.

That pretty much narrows it down.

I quickly tubed five Yellow Jacket rounds and set about placing two more backlash and three 'jackets on my stock ammo holder. If I do get the opportunity to take a second or third ranged shot, I'll want those rounds where I can get to them quickly.

The rest of my loadout was pretty much just loading more Yellows on my strap. I ended up having to quickly dismantle it from my backpack before I could more effectively put it on. I didn't need the pack on me anymore, why wear it?

"Are you sure you're okay?" Rei asked one more time.

'Tink!'

My hand twitched, causing me to drop one of the fancy shotgun rounds on the ground. A flash of anger shot through my body, causing me to involuntarily flex my now empty hand into a fist for just a moment. I had to remind myself not to snap at the girl. She was just trying to be helpful.

Inhale...

Exhale.

Let the anger evaporate. Sarcasm, not anger...

"I'm, FINE." I continued one more time. "I'm just doped up on Ritalin, sick from bad water, tired, hungry, and I'm about to commit to combat with a living artillery piece..."

Rei blanched as I looked at her deadpan.

"How has your day been?"

"Jeez," Rei sighed and glanced away. "I'm sorry for asking."

"I'm sorry for answering," I replied. "But I don't like nagging."

"I'm not nagging you," she snapped defensively, her head whipping around.

"You've asked me the same question three times," I continued. "And I gave you the same answer three times. The answer isn't going to change if you ask me a fourth."

"You said you're fine," she snapped. I nodded.

"But you don't look fine," she continued. "You're shaking."

"It's called adrenaline," I had to work to keep my voice level. "I'm nervous. It's a natural reaction. And pointing it out to me is only making it worse... so please STOP before I snap at you."

"Okay," she turned away again. "Okay. I'm sorry."

"It's okay," I replied. "I'm just not so friendly under pressure. Now let's focus on something else before I come unglued. See them yet?"

Rei turned and scanned the rooftops. Yeah, keep my mind busy; focus on the task. Back to inventory. Weapons...

'CLICK.' Safety off...

Check.

Protection... Uh, glove, suit...

Helmet.

I carefully laid my weapon flat on the rooftop I was on and slipped my brand new fancy helmet on. It took a second to get it right. But after a moment, I was able to pull the entire forward mask up.

Check...

"Over that way," Mars piped up, tapping me on my shoulder. In response, I quickly stepped back, fished my binoculars out, and went to scanning.

After a few seconds, I managed to spot Princess Dumpling Head and her twin spaghetti strand locks of hair, bounding effortlessly over the rooftops. People can say what they want about her clumsiness. But there was nothing clumsy about successfully making fifteen-meter bounds across open gaps between buildings. The girl had the potential. Just nobody noticed.

"I see her," I replied. "Picking anything up on your evil detector?"

"My what?" Rei asked.

I lowered my binoculars and glanced at her.

"Feel any evil presence?" I restated.

"I can't tell," she shook her head, "Senbei's too close to us."

"Damn..." I muttered. Though I should have expected that. On the other hand, Senbei was to be our Decoy. Should, or rather, when Kunzite shows up, Senbei's presence should draw his attention. I say SHOULD, no guarantees. I just want his eyes off me long enough to do the job.

Sailor Moon reached one of the nearby rooftops. Then took a running start before catapulting in our direction. I calmly stepped back as the girl hit the rooftop with a minor click of her boots and took a few steps to slow down. Mercury tagged in right behind he, landing right on the retaining wall and hopping down.

"How's she doing?" I asked.

"A little tired," Mercury immediately responded. "But she'll be here in just a second."

"It's crazy!" Moon cut in. "I've never seen so many cats!"

You better believe it. And chances are, nobody's ever seen what's about to happen.

"Here they come!" Mars cut in. "Up the road!"

We all turned, my binos coming up to my face again in the indicated direction.

Luna, nothing but a small black splotch at this distance, came sprinting down the sidewalk at full tilt, waiting just long enough for a car to pass before breaking and shooting across the road into the parking lot below us.

And then, it came.

Even expecting it, I can honestly say I was not prepared to see something like this in the flesh.

I mean, weird things and all, but you know, life just keeps throwing me new ones.

A proverbial wall of cats came streaming after Luna. Ten, twenty, thirty? No, more than that. I couldn't count the numbers. Was this a joke? Surely the show had exaggerated this image, right? Then again, maybe it wasn't.

"Hol-eeeee SHIT." I drew out my curse in English. "That, is a LOT of cats."

"I know right?" Moon commented, only recognizing the latter half of my comment. "Luna sure is popular."

"No way," I heard Mars half-whisper to herself. "That has to be every cat in Tokyo."

Probably, or at least, every cat in this area. But still, for Luna to actually manage to get them all grouped up like this. What did she do? Dip herself in pheromones and catnip? Or did she give them all the cat version of a yo-mamma joke?

"Well," Moon's voice interrupted my thoughts. "Are we going to stare all day?"

My binos came down fast as I shot a quick look at her, then set them on the retainer wall.

"Okay," I quickly continued. "We've got work to do. Take your positions and get ready."

Mercury nodded, turned, and launched herself down to a rooftop on the right. I recovered my weapon and leaned myself into the retaining wall, stopping to turn my suit power up to two-X. Rei quickly picked up my binoculars since they were free and quickly found Luna now almost directly below us. The noise from all the cats mewling constantly was getting loud.

"Know what to look for?" I asked.

"Yes," she replied.

"What about you?" I turned to Moon.

"A big fat kitty of course," she shrugged. "Can't be too hard."

"Good," I turned back. "Just keep your eyes on the sky. Kunzite likes to hover."

"Gotcha!" she chirped, then quickly jumped to follow Mercury.

Luna was backing into a corner now, the wall of felines moving to circle her in.

"You know," I commented idly at Mars. "It's kind of funny."

"What is?" she asked.

"I didn't expect to find myself directing you girls like this."

"Like what?" she asked.

"Like I'm in charge," I shrugged. "Call me weird, but I didn't expect to walk in here and start running the place. Or to do it so easily. You get what I mean?"

"Well, Luna trusts you," she replied matter-of-factly. "And you know what you're doing better than we do. Sailor Moon doesn't... Well... I wouldn't call plans her thing."

"Yeah, well I wouldn't call plans my thing either," I replied a moment later. "I already accelerated this whole mess by trying something stupid. Lord only knows what's going to happen here."

"We'll see what happens," she stated. "Wait! What's-"

I followed where she was looking to the top of a van in the parking lot. Something on top of it made a twitching motion and I managed to spot a blur in the air. There was a loud crack, like the sound of a tree branch snapping. And like that, the cacophony of noise below went dead quiet.

"Did that cat just throw a FISHBONE?" the girl asked in disbelief.

I angled the Mossberg down to look better over the reflex sight. It was a little hard to tell from up here, but there was a large blob. Blue, blue-gray... I assumed it must be the cat we were after. I mean, I didn't know what this critter would really look like, but whatever. How many moving blue-gray blobs could it possibly be?

Don't answer that question…

"Bingo..." I commented quietly. "That's him."

"I've got this," Mars commented. The senshi then quickly turned and waved her arms wildly at each building where the other senshi were. I didn't see the response, keeping my eyes strictly on the target.

Below, Rhett was making a showing of being the Alpha Male, looking big and intimidating from the top of the van he was perched on. The hoard of cats started to slowly back away from Luna. Jeez that's a lot of cats.

"So what do we-" Mars began. I just silenced her with a hand.

"Wait for it," I replied.

Below, Rhett bounded off the van as the other felines began to disperse. I had to practically lean half way over the retaining wall to check on Luna. She was doing her best to hold still.

"Wait for it..." I commented again, more to myself than to her.

Rhett was now close enough to Luna that I couldn't really tell them apart too well. All I was waiting for was-

'Pop!'

Even from twelve stories up, I knew the sound of Luna's transformation at this point as she jumped Rhett, scooping him up with ease.

"Go!" I snapped.

Rei turned again and waved a second time. Out of the corners of my vision, I spotted Moon and Mercury jump off the nearby rooftop, landing on the van Rhett had occupied. Even from here, I could tell Usagi had botched it slightly on her landing from the loud bang of aluminum and a sharp complaint from her.

I guess even if she was more impressive than people thought. She couldn't get it perfect all the time. I wonder how much she tears up on a regular basis. Five bucks says insurance companies hate her.

The remains of the mob of cats scattered at the sound, and the girls quickly rushed over to Luna. As they did so my eyes drifted up to scan the buildings nearby. Any time now…

"Check your fields," I commented quietly. "See anyone?"

There was a brief pause.

"No one," Mars returned at last.

"Keep your eyes open," I continued. "If anything's going to go wrong, now's the perfect time."

We stood there in silence as I kept my weapon trained below us. In retrospect, I should have chosen a slightly lower building as my perch. Now that I think about it, when sniping, you don't want the highest perch. It's the most obvious perch. It's the first place I'd look if I were looking for a sniper. But it wasn't the only issue. I was practically looking straight down, which was not the best shooting angle if I had to fire.

"Senbei's moving," Mars commented quietly.

"Where?" I asked.

"I think he teleported," she replied. "He just jumped to another building."

I let my eyes drift up and scanned. Nothing but rooftops and clouds as far as I could tell see. Oh wait, some street lamps are on now. Meh…

"He jumped back," the fire senshi suddenly commented. "I wonder what that was about."

"So do I," I replied. Eyes back on the killzone. "But don't drop your guard."

"Right," Mars nodded as she stepped up to the retaining wall. "I wish they're hurry up though. What's taking Dumpling Head so long?"

I tried to shrug the best I could around my weapon. But she asked a pertinent question. What WAS taking Moon so long? It can't take that long to extract a crystal and preemptively purify a critter, can it? How long does a Moon Healing Escalation actually take anyway? First time around I didn't exactly get to see anyone in action for real save Mars.

Another few seconds of silence and my frown deepened as I glanced down at the group below.

Something's not right… That much was obvious. I'm fully prepared for things to go wrong. But at the same time, I have a pretty good idea of what I'm thinking should go wrong. Anything outside of that is… well, bad.

"Something's wrong," I leaned back from firing position and turned to Mars. "I don't think this should take this long. And no enemy… You sure you don't feel anyone other than Senbei?"

"I can't tell you," she frowned and shook her head. "Maybe you're wrong about that whole coincidental thing."

"I hope so," I muttered, turning back to the retaining wall and glancing at the other nearby buildings. It's too quiet. "Then again, when I'm right, it's bad, and when I'm wrong, its worse. So at the same time, I'd rather be-"

"HEY!"

If I hadn't had the presence of mind to keep my finger out of the trigger well as I had been trained, I'd have blown a hole right through Sailor Moon's midsection as she landed on the retaining wall right in front of me with a snap.

"JESUS FUCKING-" I began in English at a shout, but cut myself off. "Don't EVER do that! I almost blew your head off!"

Moon flinched at the reprimand as I snarled. But before I could continue my tirade, Mars cut in.

"What's wrong?" she asked. "What'd you screw up this time?"

"Hey!" the incognito princess replied. "It's not my fault!"

"What's not your fault?" Mars accused.

"Well," she began; shrinking slightly as her friend bristled. "We kind of ran into a slight snag…"

Snag?

"Out with it," I sighed. "What's the problem?"

"Well," Moon continued. "I know we're supposed to get that crystal out of the cat. But…"

"But what?" Mars asked in irritation.

"Well," Moon continued. "There's a slight problem with that."

"Like?" I asked.

"Well," Moon shrunk again. "I, kinda, sorta, don't know how."

…

"You don't know how," I began after a second. Moon nodded.

"To extract the crystal?" I continued. Moon continued to nod.

"Mercury doesn't know?"

Another nod.

"Luna doesn't know?"

More nodding.

…

"Okay," I stated. "Okay. So you mean to tell me that you girls have been trying all this time to get ahead of the Dark Kingdom in the crystal gathering game, but..."

I paused and looked at Mars, shaking my head.

"But you don't even know how to get the crystals once you have the victim?"

Sailor Moon hung her head, trying to hide her eyes from my glare while she pressed her index fingers together.

"No," I shook my head. "No, I mean, that's just… How do you not know something that basic?"

"But-" Moon began. "How am I supposed to know what to do?"

"All your other abilities came pretty much pre-programmed," I replied. "All your attacks, all your skills. You just 'knew' them."

"But," she replied. "I don't know this one… Why?"

Mars just sighed next to me and placed her hand on her face.

"Sometimes…" she grumbled in exasperation.

I turned my glance at her.

"I don't think you know either," I commented.

Mars shook her head.

"You don't happen to know do you?" she asked.

"'Fraid not," I shook my head.

"You don't?" Moon asked.

"No!" I snapped back. "Of course I don't! On my DVDs you girls never once got there first to try it! I can only tell you what I've SEEN."

"So what should I do?" Moon asked.

"I don't know!" I turned and paced in a circle. "Stop and think about what works. Try zapping him with your healing rays, see if it does anything! Start using your head for something besides holding that tiara."

"But what if that hurts him?" Moon almost whimpered.

UGH…

I turned, letting my irritation evaporate as I fixed her with an emotionally dead face.

"It's a magical healing ray," I stated deadpan. "Somehow I don't think it'll hurt him."

"But-" she began.

"Go," I snapped. "Hurry up."

"But-," she continued again.

"NOW!" I thundered, inflecting my 'drill' tone. I don't have time for this.

To her credit, Sailor Moon is extremely quick when she's motivated. And considering the fact that I'm an adult using my most intimidating voice, and she's just a child. Well, suffice to say you could have mistaken me for her father for a second. At least, the way she spun with a slight panicked look on her face and quickly bounded back to the ground below.

"She will learn…" I commented to myself once she was out of sight.

Mars snorted and shook her head.

"Don't scoff at her," I turned. "She's smarter than anyone gives her credit for."

"HER?" the fire senshi asked. "You're kidding."

"I'm not," I replied. "She might not be a walking book report like Mercury, but she's not a moron."

"I," Mars stuttered. "I don't mean it like THAT. But she's not exactly… what I'm trying to say…"

"That she's naïve and childish," I filled in. "Like a kid. But then again, you guys are what, fourteen? "

Mars opened her mouth to speak, but before the fire senshi could so much as utter a syllable, there was a shout from below. Kicking myself for being distracted by the conversation, I turned and readied Mossy.

"What's going on?" Mars quickly bent over the retaining wall to look down.

I scanned, looking for Kunzite but didn't find anyone who shouldn't be there. Below seemed to be in chaos though. I was really starting to regret my choice of spots. Being so far up made it hard to tell, but it looked like the girls below were running around like chickens with their heads cut off.

"I can't tell from here," I complained as the senshi grabbed up my binoculars. "I don't see any dark genera-"

I stopped when I noticed something dark and blue-gray zip away from the three ladies below. Only thing I know of that could match that was-

"No no no NO NO NO!" I began as uselessly at the ground below as someone watching their favorite team screw up a play during the Superbowl. "Don't let him get away! Catch him! CATCH HIM!"

Cohesion on the ground below continued to dwindle until finally, despite being a rather poor specimen for a feline, the gray blob that was Rhett managed to slip right between Sailor Moon's legs and bolt into the open space of the parking lot.

"FUCK!" I swore. "He's getting away!"

Just for a second, I was tempted to take a shot at him, even to scare him. But then the other part of my mind, that responsible part, reminded me that weapons are for killing. And I don't want to kill some little girl's pet. Now matter how ugly.

After all, that would make her cry.

"Don't just stand there!" I turned to Mars, who was still staring at the situation through my binos. "After him!"

"Wha- Right!" she snapped, slapping my optics on the retainer wall and hauling herself up to a jumping position.

"Don't lose sight of him," I added in afterthought. "If he gets away, it's over."

Mars hesitated as she looked down at me, then nodded and jumped clear. I might have overstated the drama a bit, but then again. If Rhett gets away, I'll have exhausted all my 'strategically useful' knowledge of the first season. Rhett was the last of the group who we knew for certain was going to attract the enemy. Outside of that, I might was well take my chances winning the lottery. Of course, the coincidences might still work, but that doesn't mean jack shit without the missing plot crystal.

Cornering and taking out Kunzite was just to buy time...

Glancing down to the lot below, I was at least partially relieved to see that Mercury and Moon were already starting to give chase. Perfect, this is exactly what I didn't want. Situation gone wrong number one. I expected it but...

If they could only catch up with Rhett quickly enough to try again before Kunzite inevitably showed up. In a situation like this the perfect time for him to get the jump on them would be in the chaos of chasi-

[In that instant everything became crystal clear.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p5UAxGNslNo)

Fuck...

FUCK!

I spun from the retaining wall, suddenly despising my choice of perches as I trotted quickly to the door of the roof access. Of COURSE! From the perspective of someone watching or reading, the moment Kunzite would choose to attack would be at the moment everyone got split up. As one could say, it doesn't rain, it pours. And things always like to get worse before they get better.

"Dammit," I swore again. "Please be wrong... Please be wrong."

Checking the door to the roof access, I quickly discovered it was locked.

God dammit... I'm getting more right by the second. I don't WANT to be right. Being right is very bad right now.

Pounding the door with my fist once, I frowned as I remembered my suit. Now, doors are not so easy to break down as in the movies. But the strength of eight or sixteen of me?

On second thought, after the lesson I learned with my fist, busting down doors, while possible, might not be good for whichever body part I decide to use. Even if I am wearing a glove this time. I don't want to test which is more durable.

I just HAD to go and choose a spot that left me stranded... Just like that, I was left alone while crazy shit was no doubt about to go down. It's amazing how fast it can happen.

I practically danced in place trying to think. Man, I hate pressure. Come on idiot, use your head, you've got a shotgun. USE IT.

Looking down at mossy, I smirked and gave the action a pump, ejecting the WAY overkill backlash round and scooping it up while chambering a yellow jacket. I'd seen this done... A military exercise using an entry shotgun technique. Just line the weapon up with the hinges, and blow them off. Actually, it was Gunny's show if I remember correctly. Not the best source of info for me, but at least it wasn't a movie.

Placing the barrel against the middle of the door, I grit my teeth. I really hope nobody is dumb enough to be randomly standing on the other side of this. I have no idea how far the jacket rounds will over penetrate something like this.

'BAM!'

I cringed at the sound of the report and paused. No blood curdling screams of agony... But I'm sure SOMEBODY knew I was up here now... The spot where I'd blasted the hinge was all but gone. Pumping the action again, I quickly lined up with the top hinge.

'BAM!'

It disintegrated without incident.

My confidence in this action began to rise as I pumped my weapon again and crouched down for the bottom hinge. You know... This was kind of easy.

'BAM!'

The lower hinge blew out, and the whole door swung inwards before it fell right out of its frame, off its latch.

Ignoring the final bang of the door, I quickly moved into the building, stopping only to re-chamber my backlash and fish some more yellows to stock my tube. Don't want to get caught with a half-empty tube like I did with the Numbers now do I?

As I did that, a glance at the 'watch' on my left hand reminded me blatantly about one other feature of my suit I'd momentarily forgotten about. I had a portal that could cut through ANYTHING. And I just wasted three rounds to blow a door open. That was enough to make me growl in irritation.

But I don't really have time to kick myself for misallocating my resources at the moment.

Fresh rounds in the tube, I made a quick dash to the end of the hall to find the emergency stairs. As I did so, I could hear someone else coming over from a nearby room, probably to find out what the loud bangs were. Almost as an afterthought, I quickly reached up and smacked the facemask of my helmet down into place. The last thing I need is some random guy to get a good look at my face when I'm running around with a fucking SHOTGUN.

When the guy, it was a guy, finally saw me. The results were predictable. He seemed a bit surprised to find an armed guy and a little undecided on what to do. In short, he froze up.

"Stairs," I asked curtly. I was kind of in a hurry. The guy quickly pointed me in the direction I was already going.

"Thanks," I nodded and moved on, leaving him to gawk.

The emergency stairs weren't too much of a problem. Twelve flights of stairs to the ground, and I was out in the parking lot.

And I swore, heartily.

In my rush to get to the ground, I'd completely lost track of everyone. Which way did they go? WHICH WAY DID THEY GO?

God dammit! This is getting worse by the second.

The only thing that made me put that thought on hold was the distinct sound of something traveling through the air at high speed when Jupiter landed a dozen feet away.

"There you are!" she snapped. "I was going to grab you but you'd already vanished. Need a lift?"

"Yeah," I replied. "And step on it! I think I know what's about to happen."

The lightning senshi nodded and scooped me up almost effortlessly. Like before, the shock of acceleration was damn near painful as she immediately bounded to the roof of a two-story building.

"I'm not getting any less fragile!" I grunted after the landing.

"Make up your mind," she snapped and made another bound.

"Gah! Just watch the Gs! I'm not superpowered."

I need to find a better method of getting around. The Jupiter Jump Drive is going to kill me.

"So what's about to happen?" she continued after another bound.

"Kunzite's going to attack right now," I replied.

"How do you know?" she asked.

"It's the setup," I replied. "This is the best time to do it. Trust me. If he's ever going to attack, it'll be right now."

"I got it," she replied. "There's Luna, I'll let you off here."

"On the GROUND," I snapped hastily. "I just wasted three rounds for no good reason."

"Got it!"

We hit the ground with another painful thud, leaving me to cringe at the bruises that were no doubt forming all over my body at this point.

"They're over there," Luna commented quickly when she saw me stagger out of Jupiter's arms.

"What happened?" I asked.

"She tried to heal him," the Felis Sapien replied. "He panicked, and I couldn't hold on to him."

"We've got bigger problems," I snapped.

"Like what?" she asked.

Like a cue from Murphy Himself, there was a deep, echoing chuckle that seemed to come from everywhere at once. There was a distortion in the air ahead and above.

"That!" I hissed, grabbing her and Jupiter and pulling them back and around the corner. From the brief glimpse I caught as I did so, I noticed nothing but cape. The guy wasn't facing us.

"What are you-" Jupiter began, but I just stuck my finger in front of my mouth.

"So nice of you to do my work FOR me Sailor Moon," his voice boomed from around the corner. "Pity I don't have time to play games with you today."

I blinked. I seriously stopped to blink. When did his voice go from girly man to demon overlor-?

MOTHER FUCKER!

He's projecting! The little shit's magically enhancing his voice to be more intimidating.

Which is actually, pretty fucking brilliant… I'm going to have to steal that one.

Somehow...

Around the corner, Moon's voice came back with her typical righteous fare a moment later. In comparison to that magically boosted vocal, it sounded rather weak. I know, I'll learn how to do that omnivoice projection, then teach to her. Heheh...

But first things first.

Maybe I can tag Kunzite from behind with a round while she keeps him occupied.

"I don't have time for this!" his voice boomed again. "So die and be done with it!"

Nix that...

There was a thump, followed by the sound of something made of glass shattering, and panicked yelping sounds. In that instant I reassessed the situation. Kunzite was definitely in a hurry today if he was skipping the typical villain discourse.

"He's attacking!" Jupiter hissed. "We have to fight b-"

"Shutup and pay attention," I stated, earning yet another in a never-ending series of glares. "You can't just rush him, or he'll swat you down like a mosquito. Luna."

"Yes?" The catgirl asked.

"Get to Mercury, tell her to start using her bubble attack until the fog's so thick you could cut it with a knife. Jupiter, get to Mars. Tell her I said to provide covering fire. LOTS of covering fire. She'll know what I mean. After that, just follow her example."

"What about you?" Luna asked.

"I need a good shot." I held up my weapon. "But I have to be careful I don't earn a wall shattering force blast or something. I can't dodge it, so try and keep him looking UP."

"Okay," Luna nodded, and during another series of thumps and cracks, returned to her feline form with a pop and took off at a dead sprint. Jupiter took off at the same time in a power jump right onto the rooftop above us.

Time to take the fucker out.

I checked around the corner again, looking for my enemy. Kunzite had moved to the attack and was scattering the Senshi in an attempt to get at Rhett. The cat seemed to be on the ground convulsing like some five-year-old having an epileptic seizure.

He probably started zapping the cat in an attempt to retrieve the crystal. If he's going to go for the crystal, then he'll have to come down to get it. That'll be when I take my shot.

"BE GONE!" he boomed again. There was another thump in the air, followed by a louder crack, enough to pop my ears.

Okay, he's playing for keeps. I might have to stick my neck out a bit and give him something to be afraid of.

Just take a shot at him from behind like Zoicite...

...

Only without forgetting the safety...

...

Come on now.

...

They could use the hand.

...

God DAMMIT! Stop standing here being a bundle nerves and ENGAGE!

While I stood there trying to fight with the fact that my brain was saying go and my body wasn't going, I could hear the noise around the corner intensifying as Kunzite made another attempt to 'dark force blast' the girls. There was some whining from Usagi about not being fair, to which the general replied with an angry tone.

"Quit complaining."

Now I wish I knew why my body was refusing to move when I was more than willing to flank and blast Zoicite's fucking head off. Am I really that scared of Kunzite? Or am I just over thinking this whole thing?

"Fire Soul!"

Finally, someone's on the attack.

"USELESS!" Kunzite roared.

There was a pause; I could hear something that sounded like Usagi's voice.

"It didn't work?"

Not if he used a shield.

"Looks like it worked to me," I heard Mars' voice comment haughtily.

"What?"

"I'll explain," I heard her declare. Then she suddenly shouted. "Its called covering fire!"

"Covering wha-"

"FIRE SOUL!"

I dared to peak from behind my cover, just in time to see the first blast of what looked like a cross between a flame thrower and napalm zipping through the air at Kunzite. The general, of course, threw a full shield up on the spot.

"What are you trying to-"

"FIRE SOUL!"

He kept the shield up as the attack repeated almost instantly. And again, the general remained completely unharmed but seemed to hesitate lowering his shield to attack.

"He can either defend or attack," Mercury's voice suddenly jumped in, sounding excited. "Not both at once!"

Now you girls are thinking. Come on, get'im! Toast him!

"SUPREME THUNDER!"

There was a crack, like an exploding transformer. Kunzite stepped back. It wasn't the most impressive 'lightning bolt' I'd ever seen. Looked more like one of those bolts off a Tesla Coil really. Jupiter was standing on a rooftop directly across from me, having moved to try and flank the general. The concept of a killzone must have struck her as a good idea.

More fire souls, and more supreme thunders continued to rain down, forcing the General to turn so as to face them evenly.

"Just what do you hope to accomplish with these childish antics?" he asked.

He did have a point. Unless we put more firepower to him than he could handle, he'd probably just soak up those attacks until the girls got exhausted. And if his 'absorb energy' trick worked outside his evil dome as well as it did inside, he'd fricassee them with the total energy they unleashed in a flash.

I started to creep forward. About time... I guess I just needed a little reassurance that I wasn't the only one with my head in the Game.

The barrage repeated again, further irritating the general as he backed up.

"Fine," he snapped. "I'M GAME!"

Kunzite threw his arms wide, and the next thing I knew, his shield expanded outwards like a shockwave. I had just enough time to suck in a breath before the semi-transparent dark whatever-it-was slammed into me.

Unlike the hit I'd taken from Zoicite, I actually felt this one. In an instant, it felt like I'd been hit with a bucket of freezing cold water combined with the prickly sensation of my foot being asleep and sprinkled with the thump of slamming face first into a swimming pool.

God damned Omni-directional forcefield blast trick! Add that one to the list of crazy stunts he can pull off. It was enough to cause me to stumble back, but since the main force of the blast was directed forward, It didn't really hurt.

So that's what a dark force blast feels like.

The girls weren't so fortunate, the windows around them having been shattered into a hail of glass fragments by the force. No doubt they'd been hit with the concussive force of a small bomb with environmental effects like that.

"Now you see what happens when you get in my way," he continued with his booming projection voice as he floated to the ground near Rhett.

Okay... Time to do this. He's making it easy. And with Senbei out there somewhere fogging up the area with his 'presence,' he won't feel me approach.

I gathered myself up and stalked forward, weapon coming up as I did my best to creep quietly up behind him. Safety confirmed off... Glanced and check. Round? Backlash. Brace for the shot like Washu taught you.

I anchored my back foot and leaned into my weapon. My suit's been on two X for the last five or ten minutes now.

Standard shooting procedure.

Sight picture, aim, target, breathing...

I went through the mental checklist in an instant; not really needing to do it seriously considering the range I was at... I'd have to be in a coma to miss.

It was almost too easy.

Trigger squeeze...

The alleyway or whatever this was lit up with the first thunderous report of a Backlash round being used in anger as I completely blindsided Kunzite in the back. My brain practically took a snapshot of the moment.

Despite my having total surprise, he actually still had an omni-directional shield up. He really must have been paranoid from this morning. It held, but only just. The energy transfer of the small armor piercing round actually caused him to stumble; the shield itself spontaneously sprouted a spider web of fracture lines around the impact point. Interestingly enough, while the shield itself looked like a bubble tinted glass suspended in empty space, the fracture lines themselves were white. Not, bright white, but like glow-stick level.

Kunzite managed to stagger around, his face crossed with a genuine expression of total shock as he turned to face his new assailant.

I can only imagine what he saw when our eyes met. Because his expression didn't change for several seconds. No fear, no anger, no indignation, just total shock. I was only a dozen feet away, weapon still at the ready. I probably looked like I meant business.

I guess he'd never experienced a true ambush before. At least, Not one that would have straight up taken him out if he hadn't already had his shield up.

I pumped Mossy.

Kunzite took a step back.

Actually, took, a step, BACK.

Mossy barked. A flash of light from the muzzle punctuated by another loud report, forcing the dark general to stumble back again. The Yellowjacket round wasn't as powerful as the Backlash, but it still increased the fracture level of his defense barrier.

Maybe, just maybe…

I pumped again, and fired. That's three away, three to go. The fracturing increased.

Another pump, another report…

Progress…

Wash, rinse, and repeat. I advanced behind another shot, intending to get closer so as to put more kinetic energy into the hit. I could see the girls collecting themselves and watching as I slowly ate at his shield.

I pumped again and fired, last round.

I was hoping against all hope the shot would breach the shield so I could try to club the ever-loving shit out of him. And it seriously looked like that might have done it. But despite being heavily fractured, it held. If only I had loaded a few more backlashes into the tube. I'm sure that would have done it easily

There were a few seconds of silence as I continued to stare down the end of my barrel.

Now what?

In front of me, the fractures stopped spreading and slowly began to fade away as the stress on the shield subsided. Kunzite blinked for a few seconds as I just continued to stand there. Suddenly I realized that I hadn't quite thought this attack through in case it didn't work.

That might be a problem.

[Kunzite narrowed his eyes in a glare. Uh oh…](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JtfBZjCcnF4)

His hand came up, the transparency of his shield increasing. Out of a lack of any other ideas, I pumped Mossy. Kunzite visibly flinched and ducked back, expecting another report. That was all I needed to spin on the ball of my foot and run.

"Why you-" I heard from behind me. "DI-"

"FIRE SOUL!"

A flash of heat behind me.

"SUPREME THUNDER!"

A crack of noise, and the sensation of all the hairs on the back of my neck standing on end.

I heard the general swear as the Senshi tried their best to jump him. It's nice to know they're watching my back here. Really it is.

"SHABON SPRAY!"

The temperature dropped perceptibly as I reached the corner of the building, and visibility dropped almost instantly to mere feet. Damn that really IS a fog of war. And it took her long enough.

Pressing against the wall, I fished all my Backlashes off the stock and rammed them into the tube. If I remembered correctly, the Senshi could somehow see through Mercury's fog, while enemies couldn't.

Of course, neither could I, but that's probably just because they're magic, and I'm not.

Kunzite was swearing somewhere around the corner as I heard more attacks hit the area. Good timing on Mercury's part. If she had done that early, I wouldn't have been able to try that. It failed, but I learned something from it. Kunzite's shield wasn't as powerful as I thought. That, which can be stressed, can be broken. And I almost managed it. Without the shield, he's just as easy to kill as anyone else is.

Of course, easy is relative.

The Senshi's attacks were barely making a scratch though. And I think I knew why. Mercury's attack all but didn't qualify as an attack. Mars' attack was more like a glorified magical flame-thrower, and Jupiter's lightning was barely a spark.

To get through that shield was going to take military level direct force... Concentrated force.

Idea!

I pumped Mossy, chambering a round, turned, and peeked into the fog. Their attacks didn't lack lethal power, that much I knew. But the power was too widely dispersed. I didn't have much more destructive force with a shotgun filled with glorified ammo and got better results than the entire stream of attacks Mars launched that could bake a man alive.

It's not how much power we have, it's how much power we can deliver to as small a point as we can, in as short a time as we can. Overwhelm a single point, and break through before the shielding can compensate.

Something small and black came dashing through the fog, and I flinched, but managed not to instantly kill her when I realized it was just Luna.

"Okay!" she stated in a huff as I yanked my barrel to the side. "That was close. You okay?"

"I'm good," I replied to the feline. "Cut it a little close with that stunt, but I've got an idea."

"I hope it's a good one," she replied, glancing into the fog as if she could see just fine. "He's really pissed off now."

"I have to get to Mars," I replied. "Where is she? I can't see in this fog."

"She's on the roof to the left," Luna nodded in silent understanding of my situation. "Why hasn't he run yet? Usually they retreat as soon as things start screwing up for them..."

"He probably doesn't have the crystal yet," I replied. "I doubt he'll leave without it this time so long as he can fight. Did he finish extracting it?"

"I'm not sure," Luna stated. "Rhett's over there, and he doesn't look so good. I think we interrupted Kunzite before he could finish."

"New plan then," I stated. "Get to the girls, tell them to draw Kunzite away from here. I'll check Rhett."

"Got it," Luna snapped, and bolted back into the fog.

I moved out on her tail, even as I heard another utterance of Mercury's fog attack, which redoubled the intensity of their fog of war. It was so thick that just walking could be a hazard. All I had to do was wander out into the street in this, and I'd be hit by a truck before I knew it was coming. At the very least, it meant Kunzite couldn't see me either. Which was good.

The direction of the Senshi's attacks shifted as I crept forward, listening where I couldn't see. Things seemed to be coming from the right now, muffled by the building I had seen there before the fog had obscured it. I think that was a street on the other side. Though it's easy to get turned around in here.

Luckily, the space was small enough that I didn't have to flail about blindly in the fog for very long before I found Rhett, partly by the horrid sound the feline was making.

Now that I was close enough to get a look at him, well... Yeesh. Rhett was a rather fat looking Maine Coon. At least, I think it was Maine Coon, it's the only breed I recognize. And the guy was huge, and a mess.

"Alright buddy," I commented quietly as I walked up. "You still with us?"

To his credit, the fat cat convulsed violently like a kitten thrashing at a toy in response to my question, indicating that he either understood what I was saying (which is freaky, but I'm learning to ignore that), or was reacting to my voice.

"Easy..." I continued. "I'm not here to hurt you."

I checked around on the ground for the crystal. If Kunzite zapped it out already, it would be nearby.

My search turned up nothing however, which meant that it was still inside Rhett's body. How am I supposed to get that thing out? At the very least, I'd need to get the cat clear of the battlefield.

Dropping to a knee to try and lift Rhett up, I was almost surprised by the feeling of something small and sharp jabbing into my shin. I rolled back to remove the offending rock, when I noticed what it really was.

"This is either pure luck, or more fucking coincidences," I growled, reaching down to pick the object up. There was no mistaking it. About the size of a marker, made of smooth crystal. It was the Star Crystal Nephrite had crafted. The one Zoicite backstabbed him over in order to start hunting down the crystals.

Kunzite probably dropped it when I shot him. But what was really important was that it was the thing that extracted the rainbow crystals from their carriers.

The question was: How did it work?

I swung Mossy over my left shoulder and examined it carefully. Either it just reacted to the carriers and zapped them, or you had to give it a magical start command. Given the way things looked from the show, the latter was probably true.

If only I could zap out the crystal myself. Then I could destroy the star Crystal and be done with that sub-plot.

As if in response to my thoughts, I noticed the crystal start to glow, like a small yellow glow stick. Was it..?

SCORE!

"Hold tight," I turned to Rhett, "This is probably going to hurt a bit."

I turned to aim the crystal at the kitty; the glow becoming brighter in my hand before it began to emit an odd hum. Rhett thrashed more than ever as the crystal worked its magic... Literally.

"Just a bit more buddy," I continued, sympathizing with the critter's pain.

As I watched, the beam from the crystal slowly pushed back the cat's flesh as if separating it with ease. No wonder everyone looked like they were in agony. I swear it must be brute forcing the issue.

"Just a few more seconds," I continued gently as I noticed something shiny emerge amidst what looked like a magically contained open-heart surgery. A moment later, the Rainbow Crystal emerged from the animal's body, looking as if it had never been encased in flesh and gently floated into the air.

"Done," I commented, dropping the Star Crystal and reaching for the more important one.

That's about the moment I heard the whistling sound, about a half a second before something bright red smacked across the back of my hand. There was a cracking sound in the ground next to me at almost the same time.

"Whoa!" I snapped my hand back. It was just a glancing blow, but it felt like my hand had been struck with a hammer. Luckily, I had Jail's glove to prevent anything more serious than that.

The ground next to me had a rose embedded in it. Realizing what that meant, I quickly pushed to my feet and turned to find Tuxedo Kamen already jumping off the roof.

"I'll be taking that crystal if you don't mind," he snapped as he landed and reached down to scoop it up.

Normally, his foes would be all kinds of stunned after taking his armor piercing rose across their hands. Which allowed him to get away with grabbing things out from right at their feet. Unfortunately for him, armored gloves are real good at preventing just that kind of issue, and I'm not prone to being distracted by roses for ten seconds straight.

"Actually," I began, swinging Mossy up off my shoulder. I caught the weapon in my free hand and took a bayonet stance as he started to stand up. He WAS a good guy after all; I can't just shoot him. But he really needs to learn to be a team player.

I stepped in, planting my foot firmly around behind his, and pushed the weapon into his chest quickly, and forcibly. Unprepared for such a quick counter, Mask tripped on my hooked foot and fell flat on his ass.

"I do mind," I finished in a warning tone. "Nice of you to finally show up. What kept you, Chiba?"

He froze, looking up at me as I stood there.

"Wha-" he began. "How do you? Who are you?"

"Later," I shook my head. "Right now, we need to help the girls, and your armor piercing roses would be really useful."

"Why should I do that?" he asked. "I don't know you. Tell me who you are."

"I'm just well informed," I replied. "Look, we're all on the same side here."

"Prove it," he snapped.

"I'd love to," I shrugged. "By killing a mutual enemy, Kunzite."

"Listen," he started pushing himself to his feet. "I don't know who you are, or who you THINK you are. But I'm just here for the crystal. That's all."

"So is everyone else," I shook my head. "Cry me a river, and take five minutes out of your day to help me take out Kunzite. Then our lives will get easier."

"Sorry," he turned to leave. "But I have my own things to do."

I rolled my eyes. Chiba was a bit of a stick in the mud in the show.

"If you're looking for your princess," I sighed, waving in the direction of the fight. "She's over there getting shot at by the guy I'd really like to neutralize."

Tuxedo Kamen turned around to face me again.

"What?" he asked.

"Sailor Moon," I sighed. "You don't think you compulsively save her constantly because you're OCD do you?"

"What?" he asked again.

"Oh for the love of-" I began. "Do I have to spell it out for you 'Endymion'? Sailor Moon, Princess. Princess, Sailor Moon. I could go into detail, but this is kind of the middle of a fight."

Tuxedo Kamen fully turned and walked up to me, getting in my face.

"Who, are you?" he asked again, this time more assertively. "How do you know so much?"

"If you stick around," I continued. "You'll find out. But like I said, this is a battle. I'd LOVE to talk, but there are four girls and a cat trying to fight a guy capable of lobbing around attacks that can smash small buildings."

I turned towards the direction of the road where the fight was continuing, to which Kamen grabbed my by the shoulder.

"And she IS the princess?" he asked, stopping me. "You're certain?"

"The same one you dream about," I replied.

He blinked. Yes Chiba, I am very well informed. Really well fucking informed. So take the bait and-

"YEEK!"

My head spun as Sailor Moon herself came sprinting around the corner, just avoiding a blast Kunzite had thrown. I then realized that Mercury's fog had lifted considerably since I had started. A few random fireballs and static bolts lanced into sight before Kunzite himself backed into view, firing blasts rapidly.

"I WILL get that Crystal," he boomed in that intimidating projection voice. "Then I'm going to finish you off once and for all!"

As his eyes came up to notice Tuxedo Kamen and myself standing over Rhett, Kamen with the rainbow crystal plainly visible in his hand. My mind quickly went 'oh shit' over the fact that the concealment had dissipated, and that we were wide open in a narrow space.

"Moon DOWN!" I snapped, reacting the best way I could. Offense is the best defense. Mossy came up, my stance locking up as I took aim right through her to Kunzite beyond. Even though it was only for an instant. I saw her eyes dilate at the sight of the barrel leveling on her. Her expression was almost priceless the way she grit her teeth as if silently shouting 'OH SHIT!'

As she dove aside, my finger slipped into the trigger well. Suppressive fire... I shoot first, he can't shoot back. Then we can-

"MREOW!"

My finger yanked back out of the trigger well as Luna emerged from a shadow and dove at Kunzite. He spun to react to the feline, intending to swat her down. When with a pop, she was in her human form, slamming into him and causing the dark general to stumble back.

What's she doing?

Stupid kitty! She doesn't seriously think she can match him with just a day's martial arts training does she?

Kunzite struggled with her as she did her best to beat on him and knock him down. Unfortunately, with human form, comes human size, and it's easier to get a grip on something that's not the size of a shoebox. The dark general brought his elbow in and checked her in the face, causing her to stumble, then hit her with a hasty blast at point blank range, which drove her into the wall.

"That HURT!" he snarled. And then did something I didn't expect. He took a step forward and drove his foot into her stomach in a vicious kick. Luna screamed in pain and balled up.

...

He didn't...

The fucking asshole didn't...

The fucker just kicked Luna while she was down. Not just to beat her, maybe kill her. But to cause her pain!

Suddenly, all my tension, all my stress, all the fear... It was suddenly so trivial.

There was no reason to fear Kunzite, no matter how tough he might be.

Because I was going to kill him.

Right here.

Right now.

"SENBEI!"

My voice echoed in the alley, Kunzite's eyes shot up as I raised my weapon. There was a pop of air near my head, and something was spoken, but I didn't register what it was.

"HIT HIM," I ordered.

"NOW!"


	22. WARNING: Contents Under Pressure

* * *

**Chapter twenty two: WARNING: Contents Under Pressure**

_"Of course you realize... This means War."_

_\- Bugs Bunny_

* * *

 

The words were out of my mouth almost before my brain had fully processed the image.

It wasn't what happened, but more of why it happened. By nature, I'm a nice guy. This is known by just about everyone I meet. So I have a habit of trying to be friendly and give people from all walks of life the benefit of the doubt. When I win at something, I'm not really one to gloat. When I lose, I try to just shrug it off. It's part of the reason why I'm so hard to anger in the first place. I'm just straight up difficult to offend.

But I can be offended.

Because I like to be the nice guy, I'm more sensitive than most to acts of cruelty. Be those acts against me, or someone else. There's no point in it. It's just people being an ass simply for the act of being an ass. As I may have stated previously, I'm nice so long as you're not being an ass, but if you wrong me...

For Kunzite, just fighting him and him fighting back, I could have let any number of attempts to kill us slide as one professional combatant to the next. But he'd done the one possible thing he shouldn't have done. It wasn't him striking Luna to fight her off, it wasn't even blasting her like he did.

It was the boot to her stomach.

In that single move, he crossed the line. Because it went beyond simply fighting us.

He kicked Luna just to be cruel.

And I don't like it when people are cruel.

Luna has been nothing but helpful to me in the last week. She's smart, cute, strong, and essentially my pillar of sanity in a situation that has been pushing me further and further to the edge. Someone like that does NOT deserve the kind of disrespect and mistreatment dished out by a jerkass super villain more concerned about his pride than his 'mission.'

I've only been truly angry once in this whole fiasco, and that was after being strung out for the better part of a day, exhausting all my options. But when I saw what Kunzite did. When he not simply hurt Luna, but when he disrespected her...

Something clicked. My fear; my anxiety; my second thoughts. All those annoying self preservation instincts went blissfully away as one thought took precedence over all others.

[That fucker was going down if I had to drop a building on him.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uL4RBZV7Wjc)

So in three simple words, I had issued the command; issued the challenge.

"HIT HIM... NOW!"

My voice was louder than anyone else's. Even through a helmet.

As the command echoed and Senbei launched into action, mossy came up to eye level, the firing routine cycled, and the trigger squeezed. It almost felt like I had stepped back and let a machine do it all. Mossy thundered, kicking as hard as ever as the backlash round bolted from the barrel. Kunzite's shield flashed to intercept it but cracked from the force of the impact. At the same time, my right hand was already cycling the action, loading the next round before I had even compensated for the climbing effects of recoil.

The second shot was away and I was going for the third before Kunzite even had presence enough to stumble into the mad dash around the corner, leaping into the air to try and fly. I advanced as I let the third round fly, trying to keep him in the line of sight, intent on showing the asshole just how fucking far he'd crossed the line.

The third round connected, and the shield made a rather spectacular display of breaching, sounding like crunching gravel as the round punched a hole through it. Unfortunately, it missed striking Kunzite himself. A fourth round cycled and ripped free before I even realized the third wasn't even a Backlash.

It missed entirely. Who knows what I tore up with that shot...

Kunzite retaliated once he was airborne, desperately firing a dark-force blast to prevent my advance. It was as wild as my fourth shot, so it only blew out dirt in front of me. But it was enough to keep me from getting lined up for a fifth shot.

"GET DOWN HERE!" I snarled through my helmet in a voice that would have made Scorpion proud. In retrospect, I really think I did sound terrifying. Most of the time when I raise my voice, it climbs in pitch. Using my 'drill' tone requires some level of conscious effort to pull off. This time however, I could hear the baritone fueled by my desire to practically yank him out of the sky.

Interestingly enough, the words were barely out of my mouth when the general seemed to falter in mid air and then drop back down to the street, almost face planting on the asphalt.

Coming out from the between the buildings, I marched myself purposefully clear of the alleyway into the open as he stumbled to his knees, casting an angered sneer over his shoulder. My weapon came up as he forced himself to turn in a rather lock-stepped fashion. That wasn't normal... Senbei must be bogging him down.

Good.

Even so, I pumped my weapon and took aim as the general raised his arms above his head.

Dark energy swirled and warped about his hands as I braced, and he strained to coalesce the disturbingly unnatural visual effect into an orb of 'darkness'. We were effectively quick-drawing, but trigger squeeze is faster...

Mossy barked at the same time his hands were flung forward to project whatever stunt he was trying this ti-

'WHAM!'

My perspective turned sideways as something tackled me from the side. There was the sound of a loud boom, and glass shattering before everything came to a stop, with Mars pinning my body down.

"Sheesh!" she snapped, looking up in a near panic. "Did you go insane? What happened to not taking him head on! He almost annihilated you!"

"His shield is down!" I snapped. "Hit him while it's down!"

"What?" she looked up again as the sound of a weak thunderbolt crackled.

"Concentrated force!" I snapped again as the Senshi let me sit up and roll to my feet. "His shield is weak to concentrated force!"

"What does that mean?" Mars asked.

"It means you need to make your attacks hit a smaller area," I replied, picking mossy back up.

"SMALLER?" Mars seemed aghast. "You want me to make my attack SMALLER?"

"Same intensity, smaller cross section!" I snapped. "It's basic physics. More energy in a smaller area in a shorter amount of time! Like a hammer hitting a nail!"

Just like a hammer hitting a nail. You take a block of wood, and you beat on it uselessly all day with your fist... You just end up with a broken wrist and an unharmed block of wood. You put a hammer in your hand, and a nail on the wood, and the same motion you use to beat on that wood can now drive a metal spike right through it. It's basic mechanics all the way back to simple machines.

Unfortunately Mars wasn't quite following me, her eyes darted up and she wrapped her arms around me, and the next thing I knew it was back in the ejection seat, sound of another blast below my feet.

"GAH!" I snarled when we landed.

"Explain!" she snapped. "How do I do that?"

"Try a superheated gas jet instead of a fireball," I managed to belt out. Jupiter was running offense on the general as I looked up. "It's the same principle as an antitank missile!"

"B-but," Mars stuttered. "HOW?"

"I don't KNOW!" I snapped, remembering I had only one round left in mossy, so I reached for my strap to pluck more backlash rounds. "It's YOUR magic!"

I managed to get a round loaded when Jupiter caught a face full of Kunzite's next attack, a reflected bolt of lightning he'd managed to channel off a newly recreated shield. DAMMIT! It's already UP!

"Shit!" I snapped. "COVER JUPITER!"

Mars put her hands together and grit her teeth as Mossy came up, action pumping. I was a bit slower than I wanted to be though, thanks to that last jump. Some of the soreness was already starting to set in.

"MOON TIARA ACTION!"

Sailor Moon beat us to it, her glowing buzz saw headgear of death ripping through the air. In retrospect, it kind of looked odd. Like a tracer round lazily making its way to the target. Not to downplay the lethality of that thing, but it did look kind of absurd for an attack.

Almost right on its heels, I could feel the temperature drop sharply, seconds before visibility dropped to zero. Mercury was still around, somewhere, making herself as useful as she could for a lack of really effective attacks. I'll have to prioritize her and see if I can give her an early jumpstart on her flash freezing variant of the Shabon Spray.

While I was thinking that, and effectively immobilized, I could hear a cracking sound, and a pitiful complaint from Moon.

"It's not fair! My attacks don't work!"

'BOOM!'

"AIIEEE!"

I didn't have to be able to see it to know Kunzite had homed in on her voice. From the sounds of things though she dodged like she always did. But just how far did that luck go when the general was playing for keeps? Without her plot device, Usagi's attacks were…

Uh…

What were they? Did EVERYTHING past the first season essentially incorporate a high level power up and/or the crystal? In that case, she had exactly one attack, and it was about as useful as a box of rocks.

God DAMMIT that girl's a combat liability!

'BOOM!'

Another blast from Kunzite, and it didn't really matter that he was blinded by the fog. He was just making them bigger. It was enough to knock me backwards, stumbling to land on my already sore ass and elicit a yelp from Mars, who apparently had been trying to work on a fire attack.

When she yelped, I felt heat, and heard the thump of the air as it went off out of control. That resulted in yet another blast in our direction, I could feel it, deathly close, only missing because it was aimed at her voice, not the ground where she landed. The shockwave combined with the heat from her attack was already rapidly dissipating the fog. With my momentum from my previous anger arrested, my brain was screaming about the vulnerability we had.

"We're sitting ducks if we don't keep moving!" I snapped, working to my feet and grabbing the Senshi's arm. I towed her up almost effortlessly, suddenly remembering I had two-times multiples of physical strength on. I wonder what else I can do to make use of it.

"COME ON!" I snapped again. "MOVE!"

I pulled mars over to the wall, taking partial shelter where Luna had gone down. The former was struggling to get back on her feet through grit teeth. Mercury was furiously going at her computer and visor checking her over.

"You okay?" I asked.

"I think," the Felis Sapien grunted as she finally stood up, learning against the wall. "I was trying to pounce him and use the mass change to hit harder. But something didn't quite work right... I didn't hit as hard as I wanted"

"That was crazy and stupid," I snapped. "And not in a good way. I had a clear shot."

"I was just trying to help," the catgirl frowned back. "This is the first time I've been able to really give it a shot."

"Well DON'T," I snapped, turning to look around the corner. "Just because Junpei taught you how to give a guy a concussion doesn't mean you can take Kunzite on."

"Well what am I supposed to do?" Luna's voice raised.

"Stay out of the way," I replied curtly. I only realized a second later that might have come across a bit rude, and quickly covered it up. "Where's Tuxedo Kamen? Is he still here or did he take off?"

"He's protecting Sailor Moon," Mercury piped up. "They're both keeping Kunzite distracted."

"His shield's just too strong," Jupiter snapped as she jogged over to us. "I don't know how you brought it down..."

The number of people here was growing and starting to make me nervous. Better get out of this spot and soon. But not before getting a few thoughts in...

"Okay listen up real quick," I snapped, waving her over. "Yes, the shield is strong, but it's not unbreakable. You just have to hit it with concentrated force."

I glanced around the corner again, spotting the General through the almost completely dissipated fog.

"Mars," I turned back to the Senshi I had assembled. "Look, I'm sorry this is a bit rushed, but when I said you need to make your attacks more like gas jets... Well, just imagine that flame that comes out of the back of a fighter jet- Have you seen any movies like that?"

The fire Senshi nodded.

"Good. Just like that, but smaller, hotter. Can you do that for me? Jupiter,"

"Listening," she replied.

"Not to be mean, but you need to stop throwing those pansy ass sparks and lob some real thunderbolts," I advised, glancing again around the corner again. "You're the patron guardian of Jupiter. A storm on that planet is the size of Earth. Think BIG and lob some lightning bolts worthy of your namesake. I want the entire city of Tokyo to know when you launch an attack. Got it?"

She nodded.

"Good, Mercury."

Another thump and the sound of debris flying. This fight was getting bigger.

"Fog's good, but I can't see through it-"

"You're not magic," she replied with a quick nod. "There's nothing I can do for that."

"I know," I nodded back. "See if you can't time them a bit better for me. We need to blind Kunzite and then blindside his ass before he resorts to just leveling everything around him."

Mercury nodded.

"Also," I continued. "I'm going to cheat a little here. Your natural powers are ice based. Your second default attack is called Shabon Spray FREEZING. It flash-freezes whatever you hit. See if you can't pull that off here. Got it?"

"I understand," she replied.

"Good," I nodded in satisfaction. "And remember to keep moving. You stay still; you're dead. Keep that mindset."

Reaching down to my wrist, I gave my 'watch' a twist, amping the strength multiplier up to four X. That would give me about twenty minutes of power. Not very much time, but in a battle, more time than I knew what to do with.

"Okay," I hefted my weapon. "Let's get that shield down again. Once it's down, you have about ten seconds before it comes back up. So make it count. Ready?"

A round of nods from those assembled.

"Here we go," I took an apprehensive breath. Time to make him pay for hurting Luna. "GO! GO! GO!"

We rushed from the cover of the wall, not that it would have actually provided cover against the crap the General's been firing, but you take what you can get.

Mars and Jupiter went up, using their power jumping to get on the roof above while Mercury went the long way around. That left me to utilize old fashioned locomotion to move. Running is bad enough, running while sore from all that G-shock?

I think the only thing positive about that was the fact that the suit was making it a lot easier to run from the strength boost.

Didn't really stop the pain completely though. Especially how stiff my neck was getting...

Once I was around the corner, my mind did its best to take a snapshot. Kunzite floating wide over the street so he could get a clear view of his enemies, a dark shadowed person on a building to the left, which was probably Tuxedo Kamen, and Sailor Moon bounding across a gap to the right.

The General was busy trying to attack Kamen, so he wasn't looking my way.

I advanced with a sprint.

And almost lost control of my body, having realized a moment too late that I hadn't had much practice at four times my physical strength.

Luckily, I managed to catch myself against the hood of a parked car.

Unfortunately, such actions aren't subtle. When you strike aluminum, it makes noise. And that noise got Kunzite's attention, which earned me a blast.

Luckily, something threw his aim off, because it smashed the car and blew out the windshield instead of me. I hope the owner had insurance.

Rolling away from the debris, I silently exhaled in relief about my choice of helmets. Face screen successfully prevents shattered glass from destroying your face. My advance halted before it began, I did the best I could do, ducking into the building the car was parked in front of.

A moment later, the windows shattered from another blast that had been more accurately aimed at me, had it not been for my urge to seek cover.

The rain of razor sharp fragments rang out almost as loud as the ear-piercing shriek of fear.

Great, just what I need, bysta-

Oh, man...

I'm in the middle of a city, how many BYSTANDERS are there? The count was what, ten million? How can I FORGET about them like this? This isn't a video game! The terrain isn't static! THESE AREN'T EMPTY BUILDINGS!

How big was that blast that gutted that building a minute ago?

Oh my GOD...

OH MY GOD!

"GET DOWN!" I turned to what appeared to be a woman and two guys. "GET IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BUILDING AND GET DOWN!"

There was a crack that sounded like one of Jupiter's lightning bolts. A little louder than the one's she'd fired before.

"What's going on?" one of the people in the building asked. "Who are you?"

"JUST HIDE!" I snarled.

Crunching over the shattered glass in my boots, I went to the frame and scanned, quickly finding my opponent dishing out more firepower. Right around the moment I did so, my vision was blinded by a bright blue-white streak. After the resulting boom and time for my brain to process the resulting image momentarily imprinted into my retina, I realized it had been another of Jupiter's lightning bolts, already bigger than the ones she was throwing earlier.

Retaliatory thump and more shattering glass.

How many people?

"I don't think so!" I snapped, stepping out to take aim.

Something I hadn't accounted for, or really put much thought into. The Senshi somehow managed to have their fights with their enemies in the middle of one of the most crowded locations on the planet, undetected.

Or at least, undetected enough to be urban legends.

And that fight with Zoicite was in the middle of a big empty area so I was able to let fly without worrying TOO much about hitting anyone. But now we're lobbing attacks with the explosive power of grenades back and forth between OFFICE BUILDINGS!

This time, I found my target before he found me, and I lined up the shot. Mossy kicked and the round covered the distance in less time than it took to realize that he teleported, resulting in a piece of building farther back spontaneously erupting in concrete and plaster from the hit.

"God damn fucking..." I began in English, pumping to chamber my next round.

Kunzite reappeared near the ground. And almost instantly, a light pole near him lit up in sparks as if it had been subjected to a massive electrical surge. Then the screws, which I would note are MASSIVE on most utility and light poles, burst free and the whole thing appeared to try and fall on him.

I had to take pause. I had, never seen something so stock-action-movie-footage-ish happen... Ever.

"What?" the General snapped, teleporting again to avoid the object.

While he was distracted, I advanced, taking more care not to lose control of my body as I approached the corner where the light had been and placed.

There was a flash of light above to my left, and a burst of fire that looked like a jet engine's afterburner cracked in front of me. Despite the helmet, I could feel the blast of heat from the air racing away from it.

The general threw a shield up as he reappeared to defend against the attack, causing it to scatter off it and catch the tree on the corner ahead on fire.

"Good going Mars!" Moon's voice snapped sarcastically from somewhere down the street to my right. "Why don't you set the whole city on fire!"

"Sorry for not being perfect dumpling head!" Mars retaliated.

Uh, hello? Firefight?

"KEEP MOVING!" I roared as loud as I could, lining my sight up again. Kunzite immediately teleported upon spotting me. Dammit, we can't pin him while he keeps that up!

"SHABON SPRAY FREEZING!"

Mercury popped out of a corner and quickly extinguished the burning tree before it could catch anything else. In the mean time, I quickly yanked my head around, looking for the general. Damn my neck's getting sore...

He didn't pop back up for several seconds, forcing me to slowly back away from the street, glancing behind me once out of a bit of paranoia.

He's not retreating is he? No, that's almost too easy. He wouldn't just retreat without a parting remark. He's being sneaky. A teleporter with his raw power backing it up? And he's not nearly as unnerved as Zoicite had been. He's not finished yet. Teleportation, flying. If I had that skill, I'd be trying to engage a numerically superior enemy on my own terms.

Only a matter of time before he gets that figured out and starts picking us off one by one.

First step to fighting a mobile enemy: Deny them that mobility. After that, suppress them to prevent them from attacking.

"You might want to wake up a little," Senbei commented next to my ear, I practically jumped out of my skin. "I think he's after you."

Glass shattered to my left, and something purple came whipping out, only to get intercepted by an object that apparently had fallen from above. About the same moment, there was a loud snap right past my ear as I looked and something red struck Kunzite smack in the palm of his still outstretched hand.

The General snarled in pain and cursed as he stumbled back. Then a brilliant flash of light lit up the front of the building as Jupiter cut loose with the largest bolt of lightning she'd tried so far. The discharge actually caused some of the metal framing around the shattered window to emit a burst of white-hot sparks. The crack was so loud I could hear car alarms in the distance go off.

"For someone who keeps telling us to keep moving," Tuxedo Kamen strode up beside me. "You sure don't move a whole lot."

"I'm about as mobile as a box of rocks!" I replied with a shake of my head. "If I could move half as well as you guys, I'd be doing so!"

"We need to slow him down," Tux continued. "We can't hit him if he keeps teleporting."

"I was just thinking the same thing," I nodded as the flash vapors cleared, then turned my head to Senbei.

"Do you think you can jam him?" I asked. "His flight and teleportation are a pain in the ass. If you can slow him down, we can hit him."

Senbei floated silently in the air for a second, then turned his head to follow as Kunzite teleported again.

"Tricky," he commented with a tap to his chin. "I can't actually block his teleports, but if he has the misfortune to fail them-"

"Can you do it?" I asked. Senbei turned to me with a calm smile on his ken-doll sized face.

"I make no guarantees," he advised. "But I'm feeling good today."

Senbei vanished.

"What is that thing?" Kamen asked.

"Short version, Luck Demon," I replied. "He's with me."

"Anyone else I should know about?" he asked, cautiously looking around as I remembered to backpedal out of the open of the street.

"I'll keep you updated," I snarked "Now go cover Moon. She has exactly one functional attack, and it's worthless here."

"What?" his eyes widened behind the mask.

"GO!" I snapped. "I can handle myself."

I think...

Tuxedo Kamen turned and catapulted into the air. A moment later, the sound of another bolt of lightning lit up further down the street. Given the fact that we were taking on one opponent, if he was there, it was safe to advance.

I broke cover from the side of the building at a sprint, quickly crossing the street and moving past the now smoldering tree. You know, I'm quickly coming to appreciate just how big a single block really is. As much as we've already been fighting, we've only been fighting around about three buildings. Three occupied buildings with who knows how many people that can be hurt. And the longer this takes...

I really hope people managed to get half a clue from all the fucking EXPLOSIONS going off and ran by now...

Another thump further down the street. Glass shattered and rained down ahead, prompting a retaliatory bolt of lightning, followed by a yellow 'tracer' that could only be Moon's attack. Then Mercury queued in and doused the area ahead in fog, probably knowing I was too far back for it to hinder.

Dammit, I need to be faster! If I can't keep up with the fight then I'm just as much a liability as-

'POP!'

My brain cut off in mid-sentence to the sound of displaced air from a teleport next to me.

I stumbled but managed to stop and turn my head, only to see gray. The bastard was splitting us up!

Mossy came around, but the General was just in too close. I saw the concern draw across his face as he lashed out at the barrel, knocking it to the side just enough to have the weapon fire harmlessly over his shoulder.

The recoil of that last round made me stumble as the general moved to attack. I planted my foot and desperately came about. Just because I can't shoot doesn't mean I'm unarmed!

Kunzite threw his arm up to deflect again, and stumbled back as he discovered the four-X strength setting I was operating at.

An opening!

I advanced into my second attack, intending to beat on him just like I did to Zoicite, just like he did to Luna!

"KILL!" I snapped. Like always, gain momentum, then hammer away.

Kunzite managed to avoid the brunt of the blow by backpedaling, but failed to open up significant distance as I began to advance systematically, taking another swing.

However, my third strike was violently repelled by his shield as he brought it to bear. Almost immediately the general struck back, practically knocking my weapon right out of my grip.

I managed to keep my hand wrapped around the pistol-grip, but ended up standing wide open as he opened his hand to fire a point blank attack. On sheer defensive instinct, I brought my free hand up to swat at him, if only to deflect his aim.

'CRACK!'

We both stumbled back slightly. There was a whining sound in my ears, and my right hand was numb as if I'd just been violently shocked. The hell? The general seemed no less surprised as he looked up at me.

The opening was all I wanted. I took my stance and brought mossy back up, pumping for emphasis, and fired.

'Click!'

There was the briefest of pauses as Kunzite flinched, then we just stared for a second or two.

Oooooohhhh... I did NOT just hear it cycle empty. Did I really hear that noise? Did I seriously lose track of ammo? OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE!

"GOD DAMMIT!" I swore heartily in English as I dropped my stance and advanced; the red on the back of my glove matching my mood. "I'll just beat your head in the hard way!"

Kunzite was more prepared for my physical assault this time, quickly jumping back and swatting away my first strike. With enough distance between us, I found myself stuck wide open as he smirked.

"Oh god dam-"

"BOOM!"

I stumbled back and fell flat on my ass before I even registered the hissing, whistling sound, that had preceded the bright flash and burst of heat. For a second I thought I'd actually been hit. But then realized my opponent hadn't fared as well as I had, considering he'd been thrown a good dozen meters straight backwards.

"What the HELL?" I turned to see where that had come from, trying to ignore the ringing in my ears.

Sailor Mars was standing a few dozen meters away, looking rather shocked and just blinking away with her mouth open. Her arm was outstretched, two fingers pointing at Kunzite with her thumb stuck out as if she were a kid playing finger-pistols. A small match-sized lick of flame was visible on the tips of her fingers.

Whoah... That attack was HER?

I looked back to where Kunzite was slowly pushing himself to his feet, his uniform was clearly scorched on the front left side where the blow had landed.

Well, THAT'S MORE LIKE IT!

"NICE SHOT!" I snapped.

"I did it?" Mars blinked out, then started to grin, looking more like Usagi for a second.

"I DID IT!" she crowed.

"GOOD!" I called, turning my head to her. "Now do it again!"

Mars stopped and looked at me as if I was insane. As she did so I started fishing another round off my chest strap and loading it into Mossy. Kunzite too heard it and his head snapped up.

"And again, and again, and AGAIN..." I continued for emphasis, stuffing rounds into the chamber.

Kunzite sneered from his spot, huffing as Mars continued to look flabbergasted. What, did firing that attack tire you ou-

Wait, Kunzite's huffing?

He's tiring out... HE'S TIRING OUT!

He can't keep up this routine forever. He's got too many opponents, and he's wasting too much power to keep up.

That gives me an idea...

"Attack!" I snapped to Mars. "Don't stop!"

I had three rounds chambered by this time, and quickly pumped for emphasis, bringing Mossy to bear. Kunzite retaliated immediately by firing an attack at me, but I managed to avoid being hit with a sidestepping motion.

Mossy Barked, Kunzite dove as a yellow jacket I loaded shredded his cape.

I pumped again, fired my second round, and watched yet another miss as he blocked with a shield.

There was a thump, a whistle, and a crack as Mars fired another of her newer little attacks. Kunzite scrambled and weaved, looking like Usagi usually did when she was dodging a series of attacks.

Ahah! Now the tables have turned bastard!

"Continue suppressive fire!" I snapped, reaching for more rounds. "He can't fight all of us!"

A loud crack and a blinding flash of light indicated Jupiter getting in to our latest offensive with yet another of an ever increasingly impressive set of lightning bolts. Kunzite threw a shield up and blocked it, but stumbled back.

Yes...

Another bolt of fire exploded against him, the general tried to fly but dropped back in a jump instead.

YES!

I fished a black round up and chambered it, then took aim. Another bolt of lightning nearly blinded me, but the general was turtling down at this point, trying to push back with his shield.

"Mars!" I began, bracing my stance and trying to relax for accuracy.

Nothing else needed to be said, I heard the affirmative in her voice as I braced my legs and relaxed my breathing.

Mossy barked.

Kunzite stumbled, his shield breaking.

Mars fired her attack right on my heals.

The whistling bolt of superheated magical fire slammed into him, throwing him through the air into a car.

BINGO!

"One more for effect!" I called back.

Another bolt of fire ripped past me, slamming into the vehicle like a tank shell, blowing it to bits. At this point, I'd kind of tuned out the little details just trying to keep up. But what was left of the car continued to burn while several bits of shrapnel scattered away from the explosion. I remember this specifically because of the distinct buzzing whistle of a piece of metal, skipping across the road past my leg.

"We did it!" I heard Sailor Moon crow somewhere nearby. "Mars that was AWESOME!"

"We did," she began with a weak laugh. "Didn't we?"

It's never that easy...

"Don't celebrate just yet," I held a hand up. "No body, no kill."

No, in a situation like this, you confirm the kill. Kunzite's just too dangerous to play guessing games.

I began to creep forward, plucking another yellow jacket and chambering it. Considering how tough Zoicite was, exploding cars are no guarantee here.

"YOU WIN THIS TIME SAILOR SENSHI!" A voice boomed from above. I quickly turned to find the General standing atop the corner of the building above. His suit was scorched in two places, and his cape was ripped and burned half way up his back.

"Enjoy your victory while it lasts," he continued. "Because next time, I'm not holding back."

The general took to the air, floating away from the rooftop, and began to teleport.

"The coward's running away!" I heard Jupiter shout.

There was a loud pop, and suddenly Kunzite flailed in the air and dropped. The general managed to partially arrest his fall, but hit the ground and crumpled in a heap. There was a momentary silence all around as the Senshi seemed a bit surprised by that strange event.

"What is-" he began, pushing himself up. "What's going on?"

"I wouldn't try teleporting again if I were you," Senbei popped up next to the General rather suddenly. "Otherwise you may have a rather... unfortunate accident."

Kunzite's face screwed up, looking absolutely flabbergasted at the pint sized demon before him.

"Senbei," the demon introduced himself. "God of poverty and misfortune at your service. And I must say, figuring out how to disable that teleport of yours took some doing. But I got it worked out. You might want to avoid doing it again, otherwise you may find yourself on the surface of the sun."

"WHAT?" The general snapped, anger taking over his features again.

Okay, now we're even.

"It means-" I began, fishing another round off my chest and chambering it. "You're not going ANYWHERE."

The general turned to face me, a new, fully enraged sneer on his face. Kunzite snarled, turning and flinging his hand at Senbei, hurling another dark blast, only for the demon god to vanish with a pop and reappear on the other side of the General's head.

"Non non non..." Senbei chided in his usual flair. "You're not fighting me. You have them as your opponents..."

There was a click on the sidewalk to my right, announcing Sailor Moon's landing as she quickly strode up and [struck a pose.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oEsGj0tCT4E)

Oh god she's not-

"And in the Name of the Moon!" she began. "WE'LL PUNISH-"

["RARGH!" The general snarled, hurling his hand forward.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_wBTKI96qHI)

My body practically moved on its own as I pushed off with my right foot as I'd practically seen him telegraph the motion. Moon went the opposite way with a shriek as the blast ripped between us. The cement shattered from the blow and the concussion made my ears ring.

I don't remember what I shouted in that moment, but it must have been a command as the next moment everything just started exploding left and right like someone had uncorked a bottle of finely aged whup ass and then smashed the bottle upside reality's skull.

I couldn't keep track of who did what at that point, it just happened so fast I couldn't process it. All I know is I turned and skipped sideways as I exchanged fire with the general, his own attacks zipping past me.

In five seconds, the street we were on became hell. Asphalt, concrete, car parts, it all went flying every which way. I could hear glass shatter and rain down over the whining in my ears as the Senshi shouted something to each other, drowned out by cracks of thunder and the grenade like sounds of explosions.

Having never been to war, this was the very moment it all hit home. THIS is what it feels like to be in war. Although there were less than ten of us fighting here, the ferocity of the attacks was like watching Saving Private Ryan with the volume turned all the way up and plugged into your ears. It was enough to make any normal person curl up in a ball, shaking in fear.

Hell, part of me wanted to turn my ass and run the other way right then and there. A week ago, when this mess started, I would have quickly looked for some place to hide.

Now?

I still wanted to find a place to hide, but for different reasons.

I sprinted as best as I could to cover. Since I was already making my way towards the opposite side of the street, the corner of the building there was as good a pick as any other.

Once I had something resembling protection between myself and that much destructive force, I took a second to catch my breath and start reloading mossy again.

I'd completely lost track of rounds. How many I used and how many I had left were the farthest thing from my mind. All I knew is that for the moment, I had plenty.

Chamber checked and loaded, tube full, I glanced back across the street.

And I almost let my head drop to 'thunk' against the concrete landscaping barrier I was crouched against.

Sailor Moon was where I'd last seen here hands on her head, cowering on her knees with her ass in the air like it was somehow going to keep her from getting hit.

"You're shitting me!" I began glancing left into the heart of the fight and then breaking into a sprint. A dark force blast struck the ground a dozen feet to my left, sending a spray of asphalt rocks as big as my fist over me. It hurt, but the suit and helmet kept it to a superficial level as I managed to reach the girl.

Once I was close enough, I could hear her whimpering in panic.

"What are you doing?" I shouted quickly, checking to see if anything was coming our way. "You can't stay here!"

Moon didn't budge, except to cringe more from an even louder lightning bolt. At this rate, she'd just be a target. And given that Kamen was probably busy helping the other two keep Kunzite occupied-

'BOOM!'

I ducked instinctively as more shattered asphalt sprayed into the air. Good thing he's not bothering to actually stop and aim! Fucking SHIT!

"C'MON!" I turned and shook Moon by the arm. "We have to go! Get up!"

I grabbed her by the arm and started hauling the Senshi to her feet. Despite the strength boost, she was making it an effort.

"GET UP!" I continued. "YOU HAVE TO MOVE!"

I got her to her feet, but she didn't want to budge. This is going to be hard.

"Come on!" I continued into her ear. "Come on! Walk! Walk quickly! Come on!"

More haphazard fire zipped by, colliding with the pavement further up the street.

"MOVE!" I shouted, my point punctuated nicely.

I turned with one arm, awkwardly holding mossy to point down the street and took a potshot at Kunzite, though I inwardly cringed at shooting wildly.

My ears popped, and I half expected to get hit as I flinched, only t realize a moment later when the temperature dropped that it was Mercury casting another fog.

Within seconds, visibility dropped to the now familiar 'halt rush-hour traffic in two seconds flat' that was typical of her Pea-soupers. I would say. Concealment isn't cover, but it's a start.

Now which way was safety?

Shit! I don't know!

DAMMIT!

"Hold on!" I heard a second later through the fog. Mercury seemed to emerge almost from nowhere directly to my left, quickly stopping next to me.

"Come on, this way," she directed, pointing behind me.

"She won't budge!" I commented as the ice Senshi quickly looped one of Moon's arms over her shoulder. I quickly did the same to balance the load.

"I know!" Mercury replied sharply. "I saw! Hurry!"

"Come on dumpling head," I turned and started pulling in the direction Mercury was leading. "Come on!"

To her credit, Sailor Moon did manage to hop along with us, nearly hyperventilating the entire time.

"Come on, snap out of it Sailor Moon," Mercury did her best to chide. We reached cover, which looked to be the landscaping I had been using before. "Talk to me..."

"I- A-I –Ami... I'm ..." Usagi began as we let her slip down. "I'm... I'm... I'm o- I'm okay. I'm okay. Just... Give me... A second."

"You sure?" Mercury asked. Sailor Moon just swallowed once and nodded in response.

"Combat Stress Reaction," the Senshi turned to me. "I've read about it."

"That last exchange must have been too much for her," I surmised. "It sure scared the hell out of me."

"That's the first time I've ever seen that many attacks fired at once," Ami replied.

"You guys catch on fast," I replied. "If I weren't busy shitting my pants, I'd swear Mars fired two attacks."

"Three," Ami corrected. "Jupiter launched two. Kunzite got off four."

Holy crap!

"I'm just worried it's too much," the Senshi indicated down the street. "We've never used this many attacks before! I don't know how much longer they'll last!"

"Not Long if you ask me!" I shot back. "We need to back them up, but Moon here doesn't have any attacks worth a damn without the full Crystal. Just her tiara buzz saw and basic healing."

Wait a second...

"HEALING!" I shouted, then turned to Usagi. It was obvious as day.

"Hey," I began, pulling my helmet open and resting my hand on her shoulder. "You still with us?"

Sailor Moon just nodded.

"What are you," Mercury began. But I silenced her with a hand.

"Okay good," I started to nod, but was interrupted by a spray of dirt and plaster from above. Moon cringed and ducked away from it, but remained on her feet.

"Look," I took a glance over my shoulder. "We need you back out there."

"My," she began with a bit of a stutter. "But my attack's not working!"

"They're not going to work," I instructed. "You're powers aren't attack, they're support."

Moon blinked silently back.

"You play video games right?" I asked.

Moon nodded slowly.

"Look, think about it." I began. "In games you have attackers and supporters right?"

Moon nodded again.

"Well the reason your attacks aren't working is because your skills aren't in attack. They're in support. Your moon tiara is a last ditch attack, and your other attack is a HEALING move. The only reason it beat the monsters is because you healed them to death. Follow?"

This time the nodding was accompanied by a look of recognition, followed immediately by another cringe from the sound of a thunderclap. Even I jumped.

"That means you're not an attack mage," I continued, setting mossy on the concrete next to me and putting both hands on her shoulders. "You're a white mage. You heal damage and give your team power boosts. That's why your attacks aren't working on Kunzite. It's just a self defense move."

"Are you sure?" Mercury cut in.

"No but it makes sense," I replied with a turn of my head. Ow my neck! "Her entire power set is healing and purification. I'd be using her for combat support in an instant if I were playing Final Fantasy."

I turned back to moon who was looking a little better.

"Now get in there and heal your friends up so they can keep attacking," I instructed. "We're right behind you okay? Okay?"

Granted it wasn't the most inspiring ten second pep-talk in the world, but if I could just keep everyone in motion we could win this. Just keep in motion, keep them all working.

"Okay," I nodded as Sailor Moon swallowed once to collect herself. "You know what to do, just do it. Now go! GO! GO!"

I gave Moon a light shove with one hand as I turned to collect Mossy and pull my mask back down. Then quickly fell into step behind her. Glass from the building rained down as we cleared cover, but Moon quickly took a bounding step and jumped to outpace it.

The chaos was a little more defined as Mercury's fog lifted. Kunzite was backpedaling in mid air, doing his best to keep all his attackers on one side. The way he was moving though, if the Senshi could fly, this would be a dogfight.

His three current attackers were all over the place. Judging by where one of the firebolts came from, Mars was on a building trying to pin Kunzite below her and exploit the splash effect of the explosions caused. I couldn't immediately spot Jupiter or Tux, but there was a rather violent series of lightning bolts that the General managed to avoid.

"Mercury go around behind that building and flank him," I advised.

"I'm not much for attack," she warned.

"Don't worry about that!" I shouted as I moved forward close to the building. "We just need to hit him once to slow him down!"

The ice Senshi broke away and ducked onto a side street. All we have to do is hurt him. Once he's hurt, he won't fight at full capacity, then it'll be easy to hurt him more, and from there it's just a downward spiral to victory.

I wish I had a way to coordinate this fight better. Communication between everyone during the fight would really help. If only I had a headset, or even a walkie-talkie.

New item on my shopping list...

Sheesh... And I'm the SATCOMM study! I should know these things!

I slipped up to another damaged car, this one flipped on its side. Kunzite was continuing to back away down the street. If only he'd just back away back towards me.

Mossy came up. I had yellow jackets this time, but the general was moving too much for the likes of a backlash anyway, I'd never hit that.

My weapon fired. Thanks to the distance, I could just barely see the rounds as they ripped into the air and down range. Overall, my aim was a little high as they flew straighter than expected. I dropped my aim a little more, pumping, and took another shot.

Judging from the impact flashes, two pieces scored direct hits on the General's shield. Kunzite wasted no time in aiming his hand in my direction.

"OH SHI-"

I lowered my weapon and scrambled away from my cover about two seconds ahead of the dark energy blast. The already totaled vehicle crumbled and spun behind me as I did my best to make sure it wasn't going to spin like a top and crush me.

Another nice thing I realized was that despite their power, those blasts were a lot slower than bullets. At the least at this range I had time to dodge them. Of course, at this range, I couldn't hope to put him down armed as I was.

Dammit! Aside from the surprise attack I pulled off, I haven't really been able to hurt this guy! I just don't have the firepower to really press the attack! Not like Mars has anyway. About the only other thing I have that could really hit him where it counts is a goodfellow, and I can't use it in here!

Okay, enough self-loathing, just keep doing your job! And your job is to be whatever position you can fill! Keep wearing him down and he'll fall. That's all there is to it. Senbei's ECMing his teleports, and he's got too many enemies attacking from too many angles. He can't keep up forever, not at this point. He's GOT to be exhausted.

"Keep moving," I told myself, rushing forward with another sprint. Even with the four X strength, I was starting to really feel it. Especially in my breathing. Even though I knew it wasn't an issue, the moisture recycling with my breath on the inside of helmet was making it seem harder to breathe than it really was. I'm not claustrophobic, but it still gets to me a little.

More bolts of lighting, more exploding bolts of fire, and I assume more armor piercing roses, but I can't see any from here.

'BOOM!'

Asphalt to my right blasted over sixty feet into the air.

And of course, more dark force attacks!

A shot of some kind came out of a building ahead on the left. It looked like the same one Mercury used to put the tree out a few minutes ago. Kunzite practically fell out of the sky in his attempt to dodge it, just before barely holding off a bolt of lightning with his shield.

I found myself raising Mossy to take aim, intending to take any available potshot I could while a fire bolt buried itself in the asphalt in the middle of the intersection.

Kunzite dipped away and quickly settled on a lamp post for a second, now very obviously straining to stay ahead.

I took my shot.

Kunzite jerked and snarled in pain, but stayed upright and quickly fired at me with his opposite arm. I ducked and scrambled sideways along the building to try and avoid any further shots. But the general had to flee his perch before he could try again, as a series of lightning and fire bolts practically melted the lamp post in its place.

"I hit him!" I called. "Stay on him!"

Kunzite moved to climb, probably intending to get high above us when he was tagged by something small and red. Most likely one of Tuxedo Kamen's roses.

It was enough to slow him down, as it allowed Mars to tag him, the explosion hurling the general directly onto a section of elevated highway.

I managed to make it into the intersection just in time to see at least part of what happened next.

Tires screeched and a horn honked, and I watched in almost slow motion as the general barely avoided getting smeared by an eighteen wheeler.

Unfortunately, as I continued to watch. The truck, swerving so suddenly to avoid hitting him, jackknifed. Almost immediately, I heard the sound of crunching metal as it lost control and slid into the adjacent lanes, effortlessly smashing cars I couldn't see against what had to be none other than Death Walls.

All attacks seemed to stop as the Senshi, still perched on various building corners, stood transfixed as the highway in front of us turned into a death trap. I'm not sure how many cars slammed into that wreck from the ground, but all I know was, I heard a lot of them go 'smash'.

"Oh, no no no no no..." I heard myself chanting out as I watched the spectacle unfold above me.

"No no no... NO NO! NO! NO! NO!"

Finally my brain restarted.

FUCK!

FUCK FUCK FUCK!

THAT'S IT!

FORGET ABOUT PUSSYFOOTING AROUND!

IF THIS TAKES ANY LONGER! PEOPLE! ARE GOING! TO DIE!

I found myself running, adrenaline completely taking over as I screamed for Mars at the top of my lungs. My kingdom for a radio! Like, eight of them!

I sprinted below the highway ramp, crossing a bridge as I did so, even more appalled to realize that there was another, extremely busy surface street right there just the other side of the elevated highway.

This is God Damn TOKYO! We can't get AWAY from people like this! I need his ass in a wide-open space where we can hit him... HARD!

Mars landed next to me, huffing as she did so. The look on her face I'd never be able to forget.

"We have to end this!" I snapped, stopping myself alongside a concrete support pillar. "RIGHT NOW!"

"I just-" she began.

"NOT NOW!" I snapped. "GET HIM IN THE OPEN! WHERE'S AN OPEN SPACE? WHERE'S A PARK?"

"It's," she looked over her shoulder along the highway. I could see a large number of trees on the other side of an intersection a short way down the road.

"DO IT!" I ordered. "Before this gets any worse! And tell everyone to stay WAY BACK!"

"What are you-" she began, hesitating.

"MOVE! GOD DAMMIT!" I snarled. "And keep your distance!"

Mars bit her lip as she turned and bolted into the street, then bound onto the rooftop. Several people at the light in front of me practically tore out of their car to watch as she did so.

I found myself running again. Only one objective was in my head at this point. A few people rubbernecking at the scene quickly got out of my way when they realized a freak job with a gun was running at them.

But that didn't keep their attention for long. A blast of dark force ripped from somewhere above and blew out the windows of a building on the left. The resulting thunderclaps and explosive thumps that accompanied it served to punctuate it well. And like a flock of birds, those who could see what was going on above us on the ramp started to back away. Then they turned picking up the pace, and finally broke into an all out run.

Got to move faster!

More thumps and booms, and more debris. More running. God damn fucking running! Why can't I teleport? Why can't I fly? Why can't I even power jump? Why am I stuck in this craptacular situation? I didn't ask for this shit!

"MOVE!" I snarled at some particularly slow to act people in my path. "RUN!"

This street was a far cry from the one we'd been on. That one had apparently emptied out very quickly almost from the moment it began. This one however seemed to have a never-ending stream of people come pouring out of the woodwork. What street WAS this?

I extended my strides, doing my best to get as much distance with each step as I could. And I found that the enhanced strength made it rather easy to make half-leaps out of my steps, which really helped me run a lot faster than I normally could like this.

I reached my target intersection, glancing both ways, noting it was in fact, a rather large five-way exchange. I could hear sirens in the distance now. But I didn't really care anymore. No time to worry about who's where so long as the Senshi get Kunzite in the open here...

The traffic in the intersection skidded to a halt as a number of attacks spilled out into the air over it. Kunzite shot into sight, doing his best to stay ahead of the attacks the Senshi were trying to peg him with before taking position over the trees ahead. The Senshi filtered in from several directions, trying to pincer him only for the General to back away more, forcing them to jump down off their respective buildings and give chase on the ground.

People in the intersection panicked. And as I watched, another series of accidents occurred right in front of me as people forgot what they were doing in light of the firefight.

"DAMMIT!" I swore, bolting across the street. Already the fight was carrying towards what appeared to be a hotel tower perched on the hill ahead. Kunzite hovered over the trees as several attacks lanced up (Or down in the case of Jupiter's lightning bolts.) The general fired down into the trees, only increasing the panic.

"IN THE OPEN!" I shouted as loud as I could as I reached the far side of the intersection, hoping they were still listening. "GET HIM, IN THE OPEN!"

Once in the trees, I made a beeline for a sidewalk, sprinting up towards the hotel as I followed the cracks of the firefight. People were running past me every which way, just trying to stay out of the thick of it.

"GO ON!" I shouted as people ran. "RUN! GET TO SAFETY! GET OUT OF HERE!"

I reached the hotel Parking lot, Tokyo Tower visible a moderate ways off to my left, the observation deck shrouded in cloud. Were this any other time, I might stop to admire it, but not now. The fight was now past the building in front of me, so I kept running. I don't know how much more of this I can take...

Everything just continued to blur as I skirted the base of the hotel. People were running down the hill out of the park in front of me in all directions.

One guy in particular quickly reached out and grabbed me in an attempt to stop me.

"BLOODY HELL!" he snapped. "You don't want to go in there!"

"MOVE!" I snapped, shoving.

"Look mate," he continued. The guy had to be British or Australian or something, because it took me a few seconds to realize he was speaking in English. "I've never seen anything like that. That bloody pop gun's not going to do a lick of good."

"You worry about yourself!" I broke free and began to advance up the hill.

"Do you know what's going on then?" he asked, looking. "What's going on?"

"RUN!" I snapped back. "As fast as you can!"

I didn't stop to listen to any further comments as I pressed on up the hill. Oh, this reminds me of last week when I was climbing a hill... Dammit!

Once at the top I came to a halt beside a tree. I could see him. He was over a wide field section of the park, shooting attacks down at the Senshi, who were giving him plenty of space to avoid being struck.

My hand found my portal access, quickly opening it and fishing out the familiar glasses case-like item with the crab symbols on it. With a click, I opened the action on the Mossberg, then broke open the case.

"Red and yellow..." I breathed as I plucked one round out, then shoved it into the chamber.

The case snapped shut with a click before I dropped it back into my portal for safe-keeping. Then I quickly brought Mossy up and advanced to the edge of the trees. Now... I just need to make it so I can hit the damn General... Too risky while he's in the air. If I miss, it's going right into the building. I need him on the ground...

"Sen-BEIIIII!" I began low but quickly raised my voice to a howl.

The general looked around for a second, obviously hearing my shout. Then there was the familiar pop as the little demon god dropped in next to me. I didn't even listen to anything he said, my eyes searching the area for any stragglers. But from the looks of things, everyone had already fled from the scene due to the number of explosions.

"Bring him to the ground," I instructed.

As I waited, Sailor Moon came up behind me, panting slightly from whatever she'd been doing up until now.

"Hey!" she began. "It really works... I can- What are you doing?"

"Whatever you do," I began, as Kunzite started to lose control of his flight, then dropped. "Do NOT look at the enemy!"

"What?"

"FIRE IN THE HOLE!" I shouted. I waited a few seconds, just long enough for Kunzite to look straight at me, and throw up his hand.

Sight.

Aim.

Breathing.

Trigger Squeeze.

EYES SHUT.

Even with my eyes closed, I saw the sun.


	23. Superbeast

 

* * *

**Chapter twenty three: Superbeast**

_"War is a series of catastrophes which result in victory. "_

_-Albert Pike_

* * *

 

It seemed like time stopped for a moment, a blinding flash of light like looking at the sun at noon, even through the lids of my eyes. I could feel heat on the entire front of my body as matter and antimatter annihilated, releasing the purest energy known to science. The air, I imagine, superheated in almost an instant, expanding with the force of a bomb.

The concussion that it created hit about a quarter of a second later. And at this range, it practically knocked me over. Things seemed to return to normal speed as my ears protested the loudest noise they've yet handled in this mess.

Opening my eyes, and trying my best to blink away the red and green dots in my vision, I attempted to survey the damage. I couldn't really see well, but where I had fired my round looked like a wall of black smoke and dust rising quickly away from the surface.

If people didn't know there was a fight going on down town, they sure did now. I mean… MAN! The test shot the other day had given me a good feel for how much power the rounds had. But in that wide-open field I just didn't have any context for scale. But now, surrounded by buildings, I started to get an idea of just how tightly I'd managed to pack that shot. Any more narrow a space and I'd have risked taking out portions of whichever buildings had been closest.

Hell, even now I noticed windows across from me peeking through the smoke were missing.

That almost made me regret firing that shot.

Almost...

My eyes snapped down, still trying to see through the red and green smears in my vision as I scanned the base of the smoke column.

I need to make sure my target was neutralized. Normally I'd write anyone who takes a direct hit like that off, but Dark Generals tend to be tenacious little bastards. Nephrite survived having a hole in his chest the size of a basketball for a good five minutes. And Zoicite was still moving even after taking a grenade to the face.

Dammit! I can't see well enough. Even with my eyes closed, I was partially flash-blinded. And who knows how many rads I soaked up by being this close. I'd better check in with Washu about that ASAP. The last thing I want is for my hair, what little of it I have, to start falling out.

I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to minimize the exposure in the hopes of getting my vision back a bit faster. Though, from experience, that's never really helped, all the times I've been stupid enough to look at the sun for a few seconds, or walk into a dark room after being outside on a bright day.

Opening my eyes, I squinted down at ground zero again. The dust was dispersing enough to see the ground now, though colors and shapes kind of looked at the same at the moment.

Then I caught a hint of movement just a little right of center. Was it?

I blinked again and looked.

I think it is...

GODDAMN! He's still moving after taking a hit like that?

My vision was slowly starting to correct itself, allowing me a better view. Kunzite was...

He was still moving, but he was down. I was a little far to really tell what state he was in, but he was on the ground.

I can't believe he's still moving after a hit like that. The guy was slowly pushing himself to his feet. I would have at least figured that if he wasn't dead, he wouldn't be getting back up any time soon. But he's actually standing.

"Hey…"

I tried to blink away the spots again and squinted. Kunzite was standing, but I think he'd seen better days. Judging by the way his uniform looked from here. At least one entire side was much darker than the other. Side hit? Maybe my aim was a touch off… Or his shield... It had to be his shield. That's the only way he could have survived a hit like that.

The general stumbled a few steps, dropping to his knees, and then forcing himself to his feet again. I found myself reaching for another round. I didn't care what round. Only that I had one to fire. My brain was screaming 'Finish Him!' right down to the blood red lettering and Shao Khan voice-over.

"Hey!"

My fingers found a round, and I went through the loading actions automatically. The bolt clicked back, casing of the previous round ejecting with only the slightest hint of smoke. The next round chambered manually before the bolt closed on it. My breathing relaxed as I braced and brought my weapon up.

Kunzite stumbled to his knees again. And I tracked my sight right into him. Guts, nuts, Center Mass. No fancy head shots.

My finger gently rested itself on the trigger as I prepared to fire.

The air around Kunzite rippled like light through a glass of water and he vanished, dust on the ground getting sucked up and kicked away in his wake.

"DAMMIT!" I swore. "Almost had him…"

"HEY!" The voice I had been all but ignoring prodded more urgently than ever. "Hey! HEY HEY! HELP! HELP!"

My brain turned over as I lowered my weapon. It was Usagi's voice, and it was scared.

"What?" I quickly spun to the moon senshi. "What's wrong?"

Sailor Moon was a few feet away sitting flat on her ass, looking about wildly like a deer caught in headlights.

"I..." she began in a near panic. "I- I can't see! I CAN'T SEE!"

She looked at the shot?

"You looked at the SHOT?" I moved next to the senshi, quickly shouldering my weapon by the strap. "I told you not to look at the shot!"

"I didn't get a lot of warning!" She replied. "What happened? I saw a bright flash and now I can't see anything!"

"You've been flash blinded," I commented, crouching down next to her.

"Blind?" Sailor Moon's voice went up an octave. "No, NO! I don't want to be blind! I can't be blind! I'll never get to play a game ever again! I-"

"Easy, EASY!" I ducked as she flailed helplessly then grabbed her by the shoulders. "I'm right here. It's only temporary. Just relax okay?"

"But-"

"Relax," I stated again. "Flash blindness only lasts a few minutes. It just means the receptors in your eyes have been overloaded. Your vision will come back in a little bit. Okay?"

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"Yes, I'm sure," I reassured her. "You'll be fine. If it makes you feel better, just close your eyes and wait."

"Are the weird color blobs normal?" she asked.

"Yes," I replied, standing up. "The weird color blobs are normal."

"What are they?" she asked.

"Pigment," I replied. "You can ask Ami all about it okay?"

"Okay."

There was a rustling from my right and I started to unshoulder mossy just in case, but found it wasn't needed when Jupiter bounded into view looking absolutely shocked, Mars next to her.

"Holy CRAP!" the lightning Senshi belted out when she saw us. "What the hell was THAT? I've got spots in my vision that won't go away, and my ears are still ringing!"

"Is everyone okay?" I asked. "Where's Mercury and Kamen?"

"Over here!" I heard a call from behind me. The Ice Senshi was jogging up, looking a bit winded. Tuxedo Kamen was right behind her, glancing every so often at the direction where Kunzite had been. "What happened? I've never seen a blast like that in my life!"

"I gave the general a dose of reality," I responded. "How are your eyes?"

"I've got spots in my vision from the flash," she replied. "But I'm fine. What do you mean a dose of reality? Did you get him?"

"Yeah," Jupiter chimed in. "Did we get him? That jerk almost put me through a wall with those attacks of his."

Looks like we're all okay…

"We didn't quite get him," I sighed, watching the faces of the other girls fall. But then I added:

"But he's hurting… At least one side of him I think was cooked pretty well. That tends to happen when you take a nuke to the face."

"Wait," Mercury interrupted. "Did you just say you NUKED him?"

"Yeah," I nodded. "I nuked him."

That got a series of incredulous looks.

"As in… Nuclear Weapon nuked?" Mars asked.

"No other kind of nuked last I checked," I replied.

"H-HOW!" Mercury all but exploded. "Where did you get a nuclear weapon, and how did you get it to have a yield that small? We should all be dead from even the smallest known weapon design!"

"That was small?" Jupiter glanced at her friend.

"That was TINY," Mercury insisted. "The smallest yields possible destroy entire towns, and leave radioactive f-"

She stopped.

"Oh god you used a NUCLEAR WEAPON in the middle of the city!" The ice Senshi looked like she was starting to lose her composure. "Are you out of your mind!"

"Why do you think I wanted that bastard in the biggest open area we could find?" I asked.

"That's not the point!" Mercury shot back. She really was losing her usual composure. "The entire area's contaminated now! The radioisotopes used in your weapon would have been spread by the blast! The air we're breathing is POISON now!"

"Poison?" Moon's voice piped in fearfully.

"No it's not," I stated in almost a flat deadpan.

"What?" Mercury asked. "Yes it is! Fallout doesn't just disappear!"

"I have to agree with her," Tuxedo Kamen spoke up for the first time. "The radioactivity is going to be a problem."

"No it won't," I better stop this before they all freak out. If Mercury keeps up with her paranoid rant, they're going to panic.

"Why not then?" Mercury glared at me. "Where did all the radioisotopes go then?"

"There aren't any radioisotopes," I informed her. "The bullet I used didn't have any."

"Then what-?" she began.

"Antimatter," I stated matter-of-factly.

You'd figure she should have seen this coming, what with the portal, and medium transfer principle, and the whole 'your life is my entertainment' bit… But the fact that the Goodfellow round was an anti-matter bullet just seemed to leave Sailor Mercury completely thunderstruck.

"I-" she began. "But-"

"Matter," Kamen began. "And antimatter. When they meet, they annihilate."

I nodded at him; he nodded back in understanding.

"And you get a burst of pure energy," I finished. "After that, nothing, not even radioactive contamination."

"So we're all fine then," Kamen concluded for the girls.

"No poison then?" Sailor Moon piped up in a hopeful tone.

"No poison," he soothed, then stopped. "Are you okay?"

All the Senshi looked down where Sailor Moon hadn't bothered to move. The disguised princess just stared off into space while laughing uneasily.

"Oh, I just can't see at the moment," she tried to bury her anxiety in downplaying it. "Just smears of green, and red, and purple… Well, purple's new…"

"What happened?" Mars turned to me quickly. "Is-"

"She was looking directly at the blast," I shook my head. "Just a little temporary blindness."

Sailor Jupiter walked over and crouched down, waving her hand in front of Sailor Moon's face. The latter just stared blankly through her.

"Oh wow," the Lightning Senshi commented. "That's real?"

"I can't believe that's the worst of it," Mars shook her head. "I thought for certain a few times one of us was going to get hurt with the way we were throwing attacks."

"Yeah," I sighed. "We did come out of that fight pretty good, considering who we had for an opponent... Does that seem like it's too easy to you?"

I don't trust it when it's that easy...

"THAT was EASY?" Jupiter turned an incredulous look on me. "You've got to be kidding. I hate to sound grim, but I'm rather worried about all those people who got caught in the crossfire."

"Me too," Mercury piped up. "That accident on the Inner Circular Route was huge."

"I still think it was too easy," I turned, probably looking slightly paranoid as I glanced around. "Someone like him... Normally don't villains have a backup plan, or a dirty trick of some kind? I didn't spot anything particularly dirty or underhanded..."

"I'll have to agree with him," Mars nodded. "He's been really good at calling the shots, and I have a bad feeling about this. Something's missing."

"Like what?" Jupiter asked.

I immediately resisted the urge to slap my face, garnering a confused look from all present.

"You..." I began. "You had to ask. Don't you know what happens when you ask that?"

"What?" Jupiter asked. "Did I say something wrong? What happens?"

I hate to sound like I was saying 'I told you so', but about the moment she finished that question, there was a sudden shout from behind. We all turned quickly to see Luna come pelting through the trees looking terrified and exhausted.

"We've got a big problem!" she huffed. "VERY big problem!"

"That happens," I sighed.

"What's the matter Luna?" Mercury asked.

Luna continued to breathe heavily for several seconds.

"Rhett," she began. "Rhett Butler!"

Rhett Butler?

Everyone's head looked behind Luna as one. Of all the things that could possibly happen, I guess that still having to fight the monster of the day would be one of them. But when did he...?

"I don't see any-" Mercury began.

['WHUD'](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X3-H5jGoags)

My blood froze then boiled as I jumped ever so slightly. Don't ask me how. But something about the particular way that sound occurred behind me without so much as any warning. And the tone of the sound, the way I could feel it in my teeth. Something BIG was right behind me.

The Senshi just stared past me, their faces a mixed bag of shock and horror.

I turned my head, slowly. The first thing I noticed was the leg. The large furry leg the size of my entire torso, bulging with muscle as it began to rise from a crouch.

I think if ever there was a time where I could have soiled myself, this was it. I remember the line art drawing for Rhett Butler's from the Sailor Moon show. But like with 'Grumps', it just didn't compare.

Okay, so 'grumps', the monster from a week ago should have been a good indicator of what to expect. But I don't think anything can prepare a person for this. Let me give a nice clear picture of this critter.

Imagine a creature that reminds you of a cross between a cat, and a grizzly bear. It stands bipedal on two, highly muscular legs at a room-filling eleven feet tall. The arms and upper torso are disturbingly anthropomorphic, with hands that are almost human, ending in razor sharp, four-inch claws. The head was definitely feline, and as it peeled its lips back for a guttural growl, it revealed a set of teeth large as steak knives.

It was built like a tank. Not only were the legs muscular, but the entire body was just plain ripped. If Luna could be considered the prototype for the concept, this creature was probably the finished product. All said and done, the critter probably weighed fifteen hundred pounds.

 

 

It was the perfect killing machine.

 

And it didn't look happy as its ears flattened back.

"Oh my-" I began. Then 'Rhett' yanked its head back and let loose with a deep, throaty roar not too different from a tiger.

I am officially freaked the fuck out.

"GET MOON OUT OF HERE!" I turned; the look on my face must have been pure panic. My hands came up, quickly working to bring Mossy off my shoulder as I tur-

WHAM!

I lost all sense of direction as my breath left my lungs unexpectedly. The ground become the sky, the sky became the ground. I felt something strike my head and back and then world came to a sudden halt around me.

For just a moment, I forgot to breathe before I realized I was staring face up at the clouds. There was yelling, and snarling, and my body refused to move.

'Wiggle your big toe' flitted through my mind in an instant before I managed to blink and suck in a lung full of air, getting my focus back. I... I 'm alive. I'm conscious. I can feel my legs. And I feel...

Pain.

Yes, I believe those are all positive checkmarks. Well, all but that last one. My chest felt like it was on fire or something.

There was a scrabbling sound next to my ear and a pop before something began pulling at my head... Or my helmet... Something...

'-alk to me... TALK TO ME!"

A hand quickly found the base of my helmet and began working to open the facemask. I found control of my motor functions quickly enough a moment later to reach up and give it some help by releasing a plastic latch. So hard to breathe...

"Say something," the voice pleaded once more. I opened my mouth to do so, but only found myself coughing instead.

"Thank god," Luna's face appeared in front of mine. I could feel one of her hands slip under my shoulders to help me sit up. The act of doing so seemed sluggish and excruciating.

"Come on," Luna continued with some anxiety, checking over her shoulder. "Get up! Hurry! While the girls keep him busy..."

I managed to force myself to my feet with her help, looking down to notice a pile of wood and metal around me. A few thumps and a loud crack nearby vaguely caught my attention before Luna started urgently pulling on my arm.

"Come on," she exclaimed.

"Did that-" I began, reaching up to try and correct a dizzy spell. "What did I-..."

"I take back everything I said about that helmet," Luna continued as she dragged me into a cluster of trees.

"What?"

"You just hit your head," she continued. "When Rhett hit you..."

Rhett?

Critter... yes. Critter... Big, cat monster critter. It just jumped us...

He hit me?

"H-how bad?" I asked. "Luna, how bad? Am I bleeding?"

"I don't see any blood," the Felis Sapien continued. "Are you okay?"

"I-I don't know," I shook my head. If we're fighting, I'm going to need my gun. Slapping for the strap, I checked twice and realized...

"My gun," I began, looking around. The action of twisting sent a shot of pain through my chest. "Erght! MY GUN!"

"Don't worry about it," she hissed in a quieter tone. "Let's get you out of here first."

"No," I pulled away. "I need my weapon. We need to stop Rhett before he kills someone!"

"He nearly killed you in one swipe!" Luna yanked on my arm again.

"I-I'm not dead yet," dizzy again. "Just a little... I'm okay."

"No," Luna admonished, grabbing me in a disturbingly iron grip. "Let the girls handle it. They beat all these monsters before, remember?"

They did beat all the monsters, even Rhett. And Rhett was supposed to be the strongest of the group they had to fight...

Something clicked.

"No," I looked around. Breathing was like torture. "Not Rhett, they didn't fight anything like that... They didn't fight what hit me..."

No, Rhett was passive for some reason. It was... Was because of Luna! He never attacked! There was no fight in that episode!

"Shit!" I swore. The very act of doing so was like being stabbed through the heart. "H-He never attacked originally!"

Luna froze dead in her tracks. My mind was starting to put itself back together.

"They don't know what they're fighting!" I began again. "Moon... Where's MOON!"

"Tuxedo Kamen got her out already," Luna replied. "We have to back off until she gets better."

"Before or after that thing kills a bunch of bystanders?" I asked, turning again. "We have to keep it bus-"

Luna practically yanked my arm out of its socket, causing my chest and back to release such a sharp jolt of pain that I almost fell to my knees, were it not for a tree I could lean on.

"We can't HEAL him without Sailor Moon," she hissed. "Come on!"

"Not enough time!" I snapped. "Moon won't be able to aim for several-"

There was a vicious snarl behind me. Luna's eyes got large.

"Run..." she began, then turned to pull me. "RUN!"

I turned to look. I probably should have just followed the command instead. Because when someone shouts 'run' the way Luna did, you just do it no questions asked. The ten-foot high killing machine that was formerly Rhett Butler was racing towards us like a locomotive.

I did my best to turn in the direction Luna was indicating, but my body refused to move as I wished, immediately springing forward as if I'd been shot out of a cannon. Unprepared for it, I toppled face first to the ground. The pain across my chest was excruciating. I think it actually caused me to yelp.

Worst of all, I was a sitting duck like this.

I tried to scramble, but I already knew I'd never outrun something that big and fast.

BOOM!

Sailor Mars interrupted the beast's charge with her new attack cutting right across the path. The monster, with reflexes like lightning, managed to leap sideways and use a tree trunk like a springboard.

I almost thought it was going to flow effortlessly into Mars when it suddenly changed direction.

Turns out it was a quarter of a second ahead of a lightning bolt.

"Go!" Jupiter shouted from a tree. "Get him out of here!"

"Bakan-e!" the monster growled at her. For a moment I paused and blinked.

...It actually has a name?

Jupiter dropped another lightning bolt, one of the impressive kind, right at Bakane's feet. The giant monstrosity backed up and let loose with a hiss that sounded like an air conditioning vent cranked to full blast.

"Here kitty kitty kitty..." she taunted evenly. "Right here! Come and get me!"

Bakane replied with a spring. An unearthly fast spring I thought was physically impossible for an animal that big. But it came off its hind legs so fast I swear it was more like watching a carrier launch a jet.

Jupiter dove out of the way the best she could, almost being gutted like a freshly caught tuna as Bakane's claws shattered the tree branch she'd been using as a vantage.

"WHOA!" She yelped. "Not as planned!"

Bakane came to a halt in the tree. That's right, fifteen hundred pounds of rip and tear standing in a tree... Well, not standing so much as burying its claws right into the trunk and using that to anchor itself.

My eyes flitted to Jupiter, scrambling to her feet after taking the landing rough. Bakane zeroed in on her and attempted to pounce. Luckily, the Senshi seemed to be on the ball, and quickly darted between more of the trees, forcing the monster to work its way through.

"Okay!" she called nervously. "I could use a little help here!"

Mars, who'd come over to assist Luna in 'attempting' to pull me further into the trees towards safety, broke off and quickly dashed to assist. A small fireball leapt from her hands as she did so, landing with a 'pwoomf' right next to the critter... What happened to the anti-tank burst?

"HEY!" she shouted, running almost right up to it. "HEY!"

Even in my slightly addled state, that struck me as a TERRIBLE tactical move.

"What are you-" I began, but Luna capped my mouth before I could finish, lest I called the monster's attention back to us.

"Come on!" Mars challenged, stopping just outside of its swinging arc.

The beast turned, snarling as it turned to face her, rearing up to its full height. It was like watching a horror movie, or maybe Alien...

Yeah, like watching Alien, only less TV drama, more 'holy fuck its five feet away'...

Mars froze. Even in the dim I could see the color leave her face as she realized just how massive the creature was up close, and how big a mistake playing distraction was this time around.

"FOR FUCKS SAKE!" I managed to pull Luna's hand away from my mouth. "RUN!"

My comment was enough to distract the creature, causing it to jerk its head back towards us. Mars took that moment to bolt, the sudden motion drawing attention back the other way.

I would almost say I'm glad the monsters seem to be mentally challenged. Were it me, I'd have taken her head off, then moved on. So far, Bakane had yet to actually pursue anyone. Just as soon as it was distracted, it changed targets.

That gave me an idea as the beast tore after Mars…

With a grunt, I dropped to the ground, scrabbling around until my hand closed on a rock.

If it has the attention span of a two-year-old…

Standing back up was much more difficult than I expected, my body furiously protesting the action. But I managed to regain my feet as Luna gave me a 'what are you doing' look.

I didn't really think about it, I just wanted to make sure the cat-monster didn't manage to catch Mars and do to her what it just did to me. I'm wearing a suit that doubles as light armor. She's wearing, what, a magical miniskirt and a tiara?

I hope those things had magical reinforcement or something…

My arm came back as I took a bead, and then I threw it as hard as I could manage.

Big mistake…

There was the strangest sensation. That funny feeling as if my arm had suddenly been dunked in lukewarm water... It's usually the only warning you get that you've just physically done something very wrong to your body… And it only lasts a second.

And after that second, the pain hit.

Luna nearly jumped out of her skin as I practically screamed and grabbed my throwing arm with my free hand. My chest was hurting bad enough, but now it was as if someone had set my arm on fire.

This day just keeps getting better and better…

Luna tried to pull me away again as I cradled my arm, but froze and looked over where I had thrown the rock.

Between sucking in hissing breaths over the pain, I followed her glance, and noticed that Bakane was on the ground, shaking its head as it pushed itself back up.

Did I do that?

With a measly rock?

Wait.

I'm still set to four-times my physical strength, and I just chunked a rock with everything I had.

Yeah, that would explain the arm. I'm not properly conditioned to handle going all out, let alone doing so with several levels of physical strength amplification. I must have torn something. Getting the sense knocked out of you is not good for the memory. Augh… I'm going to feel this tomorrow, all of this.

I flexed my arm. It hurt, but it was moving. That's better than nothing. God I hope I didn't tear it too bad. I just got use of that hand back.

"I think you got its attention," Luna commented into my thoughts.

My eyes returned to the beast, it was looking right at me, and it seemed to be even more pissed than before.

Strangely, that didn't really scare me. The sensation of 'oh my god' just didn't come to me like it had less than a minute ago. I guess retrospectively, I was just hurting so much and had been going at this fight for so long that I was pretty much maxed out on adrenaline.

"Indeed," was all I could manage to say. Everything was just so muddy with the pain. If only I had my gun so I could fight back.

The beast charged, but before it even made it half way to us, Jupiter interrupted it again with a thrown rock of her own. Compared to how hard I must have thrown mine, it wasn't much. Just bonked Bakane in the shoulder... But it was enough to redirect attention in another direction again.

The Senshi ran the other way as soon as it had its attention on her.

This time, I allowed Luna to pull me away with less fuss. While the catgirl lead me, I watched as Jupiter bounced and scrambled around the trees.

"This way," I heard Luna direct, but only just barely.

Jupiter kept running, then Mars interrupted again.

The beast changed direction and went right after her.

That's a good pattern to know, but it's only a matter of time until it catches one of them. They need to attack…

Wait, why aren't they attacking?

Why aren't they fighting back?

That thing's fifteen hundred pounds of crush-kill-destroy, and they're not even trying to fight it! They're just running away! We don't have time for this!

I grit my teeth as Luna pulled me next to a small building for cover.

For the third time, where's my GUN?

There was a loud crack, and we both looked to see Bakane getting rapidly fed up with a wild goose chase as it effortlessly shattered a tree trunk. Jupiter, who was again being chased, yelped in a higher than normal pitch as she ducked some of the splinters that rained down on her.

What are they-?

Mars flitted past her, taunting loudly and quickly picking up pace as Bakane followed. The creature started to chase, then stopped and picked up a park bench, hurling it as easily as we'd been throwing rocks. The fire Senshi barely managed to avoid being creamed as it shattered on the tree she ducked behind.

It was learning...

I continued to watch the spectacle unfold. Bakane was starting to wise up very quickly. In the mean time, Mars and Jupiter were all but in disarray just trying to hold its attention for a few seconds until the other could interrupt. Where'd Mercury go? What happened to the cohesion? What happened to the firepower? Two minutes ago they were practically wasting Kunzite with enough firepower to level several city blocks.

Now?

What is, I don't even...

"What- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" I finally managed to shout. "FIGHT BACK!"

The beast stopped and turned our way as Luna yanked me back.

"GRR!" I grit my teeth to suppress the pain. "What are you-"

"Quiet," she snapped. "The girls are trying to keep it busy. Quit trying to draw it to us, you're hurt!"

"Keep it busy without attacking?" I asked. "That's retarded! We need to take that thing down!"

"That's STILL Rhett Butler in there," Luna looked aghast. "We can't attack it or we'll hurt him. We have to wait for Sailor Moon to recover so we can heal him."

There was a yelp from around the corner, and a snarl. Dammit...

"We don't have time to goof around like that," I snapped back. "That thing's the size of a BEAR, and it's getting smarter by the second. If we don't stop it right now..."

And if it remembers how to do any dark magic attacks...

"But we mustn't hurt Rhe-" Luna began.

"It's trying to KILL US..." I interrupted. Luna's mouth closed with an audible snap. Then she paused and took a breath, her gaze hardening.

"Okay," she began. "I understand. But can you at least try?"

"Only if we have a way to heal it," I began.

"How'd you heal Grampa?" Luna asked quickly. "Sailor Moon wasn't there. Mars did it, right?"

Yeah... she- Motoko's Tanto! I still have it!

YEAH!

"Yeah-YEAH," I voiced.

Turning the corner again, I scanned around, noting several more destroyed trees in the process.

Mars, Mars? Where is- THERE SHE IS!

"MARS!" I shouted.

The fire Senshi looked my way. So did the monster.

"Operation Exorcism!" I snapped, and ducked back.

Did I mention yelling like that hurt?

"Okay," Luna began. "Mind telling me what you're planning?"

"Not in detail," I huffed. "Just work with me here."

Okay first thing's first. We have to get control of the initiative. Initiative is control of the offensive. As long as Bakane has the offensive, we're playing catch-up. Catch-up is BAD. So question one: Why don't we have initiative?

Answer? Nobody knows what to do.

Question two: Why don't we know what to do?

Easy, we don't know how to properly fight Bakane. On one hand, we should nuke the thing like I did Kunzite. On the other hand, it's like Grampa. It's a monster with a hostage inside. A hostage that belongs to some little girl...

Dammit! Why does it have to be like this? Why does it always have to be so hard?

Okay, focus. Every problem has a solution. Use that head of yours for something besides holding up your glasses. The girls damn near kicked Kunzite's ass just by following my lead. They're listening to me because I know what I'm doing to an extent.

Okay... That means if I can figure out what to do, they'll fall right into line. They do their jobs just fine when they know what to do.

Jobs... Jobs... Every soldier has a job. The Senshi had clear-cut jobs when we were fighting Kunzite. So that means they each need a job here. Even I have a job. And my job is to assign their jobs so they can do them. Unit cohesion is my responsibility.

Okay... Okay.

First, first... order of battle. "Step one... Confuse the enemy."

"MERCURY!" I shouted, causing Luna to jump. I waited a few seconds before continuing.

"FOG OF WAR! NOW!"

It didn't take long to get a response. I don't know what she was waiting for, or why she was waiting so long. But I felt that now familiar, sharp dip in the temperature causing the moisture in the air to almost instantly condense.

"Step two," I continued, now narrating my thoughts out loud. "Suppress enemy's ability to attack..."

"JUPITER!" I turned the corner to shout again. "Atta-"

"DOWN!"

I went down, pulled from behind rather suddenly and hitting the ground hard amidst the sound of something made of metal and wood scattering near my head.

I think talking about how much I was hurting at this point might be getting a bit redundant. Because honestly, just about everything hurt now. It was all just starting to blur into one universal sensation of 'sore' with no defining features aside from breathing becoming harder and harder, and my ability to think straight for five seconds following close behind.

"FUCKING SHIT!" I managed to cough out when I realized that the reason I was on the ground, was because Luna had tackled me. And apparently the reason she'd done so was because of the now raining hail of wood bits and metal pieces that had shattered on the wall above us.

"Bench!" the Felis Sapien snapped.

"Thanks," I grunted, spitting the copper taste in my mouth out. Of course, the only reason I could 'spit' at all was because...

"This won't do at all," I began as I reached up and pulled the facemask back down.

Then I stopped for a second to blink, as right across the middle was a huge gash in the plastic ending in a small puncture hole.

No wonder I got the shit knocked out of me. Damn critter got me right in the face too. And it almost got me again with that, what did Luna say, Bench? Right in the head.

Wait, it threw a park bench at my HEAD?

In THIS fog?

Oh my...

Dammit! That thing can track targets even when blind! It really does have cat like features. It can hear where I am, and it's got whiskers the size of a car antenna. Whiskers are used by cats to detect air currents to more accurately judge what is around them and-

Uh oh...

I rolled Luna away and started scrambling to my feet, coughing and swallowing more copper as I tried to shout again.

"Don'- " I began. "DON'T APPROACH IT!"

"Don't worry!" I heard in the fog. "I've got him!"

"N-" I hacked and tried again. "NO! HE CAN STILL S-"

There was a meaty crack and a loud yelp bordering on a scream.

That's not a good sound.

"Jupiter!" I heard Luna gasp from next to me, then she quickly ran into the fog, leaving me standing blind.

"I've got her!" Mercury's voice joined in from somewhere slightly to the right. "Mars! Cover!"

"No problem! " I heard the fire Senshi's voice. "Come on beast! Let's see how you handle this!"

I heard a roar and a snarl, then Mars' voice started from another position, quickly cycling in an almost hypnotic tone.

"AKUYO TAISAN!" she shouted.

Come on... COME ON!

Another snarl. And it didn't sound too happy, followed by a yelp.

Oh shit, SHIT!

"Mars!" I snapped, then immediately clamed up in case I earned another projectile like a utility pole or stone lantern. I just can't see anything in Mercury's fog. It's a damn double-edged sword for me. And like this, that critter's going to pick us apart like a bad horror flick! Come on, think... THINK!

I need to...

We need to get control.

Didn't I already-

GOD DAMMIT I CAN'T THINK STRAIGHT!

What was I-?

Tanto, TANTO!

Rei's exorcism attack is like, a bajillion times more powerful with Motoko's Tanto!

I've got to get Rei the Tanto. Need to distract the critter. And quickly, before it gets lucky and manages to kill one of us.

Lucky... Luck.

Luck?

Senbei? Senbei! YEAH!

"Senbei!" I shouted. No idea where he is at the moment. "I need some cover!"

The fog was starting to lift now. I could see more than a few feet, and ahead of me, the ghostly images of shattered trees made the immediate area look more like a bomb went off.

There was movement to my left. I could see what appeared two people helping a third stagger away. That accounted for three. Where's Rei?

"SENBEI!" I shouted again.

'Pop!'

"A little hard to steer in the fog," he commented in an apologetic tone. "Especially when I can't sense you."

"Distract the beast," I ordered. There was no time to listen to the demon God's explanation.

"You sure you don't want me to just attack him?" Senbei asked. "I'm sure a little bad luck on his part will-"

"Just do it!" I snapped.

"Roger!" Senbei made a sour face and a mockery of a salute, then with a pop, teleported out. The fog was really beginning to break up now. And little brief sensations of icy cold pinpricks indicated that it was getting ready to rain.

"Gotta' end this..." I huffed to myself. My eyes tracked through the gray before I ducked back.

I fished Motoko's prized Tanto out of my pocket, thankful that I'd forgotten to return it to its owner. Dagger of plus five anti-demonic power. With this, Rei could force the monster out of the cat.

I turned the corner again, my eyes wandering the dim that was now settling into a mist, doing my best to pinpoint the bright red of Mars' skirt. She had to be here somewhere. I didn't hear her actually take a hit. And where did Bakane go? That thing's huge. It can't just vanish.

The raindrops continued to come more frequently. It was still just a light drizzle, but would soon be soaking all of us. And if that low thrumming rumble of thunder was any indication, it might become a full-fledged downpour within minutes.

That's really weird sounding thunder though...

Wait... That's no thunder I've ever heard. That sounds more like-

I was about to turn when something cold firmly grabbed my shoulder, I jumped and began to react to the sensation, but the grip was solid, and I could just barely hear a voice in my ear.

"Don't... Move..." Mars quietly mouthed, inches away from my helmet. She then slowly leaned away, pulling the both of us back against the wall, her head angling to look up and off to the side in a very smooth, deliberately subtle motion. Taking my cue off her, I followed, trying to ignore the tweaking in my neck to find that Bakane was perched above us, looking around for a target to pounce on. He could 'see' in the fog, but not perfectly as he'd still lost track of everyone.

I didn't say anything, not wanting to alert the monster. However my hand slowly started coming up in the same deliberate motion we had used to crane our necks. After a few grueling seconds, Motoko's knife was in my field of vision, and I slowly moved it out into Mars'.

It took her a second to notice it, but when she did, I saw her own hand come up slowly, then gently pull the weapon out of mine.

'On three...' flitted through my mind as I shifted my raised hand to indicate three fingers. Mars' chin moved up and down ever so subtly in response. Then I closed my hand and raised a finger.

One...

Then gently raised a second finger.

Two...

Here goes nothing.

THREE!

"SENBEI!" I gave the shout all the force I had, pushing off the wall with my arm and racing forward towards the trees. Oh god, I'm not doing that one again. I heard the critter snarl at the sound of my voice, followed by a quick thud. To which all I did was force my legs into overdrive.

"Rin. Pyuo, Tou-"

"HAHA!" Senbei's voice kicked in. "Look at you! You're nothing but teeth and claws and fur with no class whatso-"

Snarl, and a crack. I heard Senbei gasp for breath, and then the monster let out another snarl and the Demon God made the most peculiar noise. My run faltered and I turned to look just in time to see the gaudily dressed show-boater get buried headfirst in a tree.

"Sha, Kai, Jin-"

Bakane turned its attention back my way almost immediately, and bared its teeth in a hiss that meant business.

"Crush-" it stated.

It's saying more than just its name now. That's bad. It's really starting to gain intelligence.

"Retsu... Zai... ZEN!"

Mars came to the end of her chant, practically spitting the last word out as she raised the blade. Bakane turned to see what was going on.

"Akuryo!" the fire senshi snapped. Both the monstrous cat ears turned and focused on her.

"TAISAN!"

I knew what to expect. Sailor Mars came down with the blade of Motoko's Tanto, charged with her magically amplified psychic energy. The arc of flaming power ripped away from her, hell bent on engulfing and exorcising the demonic spirit that had turned a cat into a nightmare.

Except Bakane wasn't there any more.

If I had ever had the time to actually say anything, I would have sworn, profusely. The monster cat had seen, and probably felt the attack coming off the Tanto. And before Mars had even finished swinging, was a good ten feet in the air.

That was enough for him to clear it completely, while simultaneously saddling me with the fact that I was still in the firing line when the attack was launched.

Like I said. If I actually had the time, I would have sworn. However my mind had only gotten as far as to realize Bakane was moving skyward before the blast hit me. The helmet thankfully kept it off my face save for a burst of heat getting through the hole in the faceplate. And Washu's suit kept the rest from burning me. However, the sensation was not the most pleasant experience. Were my brain not so completely saturated with pain signals at this point, I probably would have registered the briefest sensation of what it would feel like to be burned alive.

Luckily, focused more as a psychic blast than any kind of crematory effect, the attack did little more than forcefully place me back on the ground.

"OH SHIT!" I heard the fire senshi shout in surprise. Which honestly, shocked me more than the impact. I hadn't heard that blatant a swear out of any of the girls yet.

Of course, I didn't get any time to reflect on that, as Bakane landed, nearly taking Mars out in the process. The senshi backpedaled quickly, slipping past the corner of the wall as she began her chant again. Bakane's clawed hand only just missed her, taking a chunk out of the wall instead of her face.

Mars continued her stumbling retreat and managed to finish the mantra, raising Motoko's Tanto once more with a flourish.

"Akuryo-"

Bakane cut her off by lobbing a brick from the wall at her. As a result, she lost her grip, and the supercharged knife went skittering off to the side, out of reach.

Honestly, my body just wanted to stay here on the ground at this point. But with this fight far from over, and Mars getting quickly corned, I realized we were seriously starting to run out of options.

My shoulder protested as I pushed off with my elbow, flipping myself over like a pancake to try and get my legs under me.

As I did so, my hand landed on a rock, forcing me to yank it back and almost slip. In the process of doing so, something of a glint caught my eye just a few feet away.

It only took me a second to identify the shape. It's the one thing I've been looking for the whole damn time! My GUN!

That's where the damn thing landed!

I practically pounced on it. Shuffling forward and diving at it like a toddler who's not yet learned to walk. As soon as I got my hands around the barrel, I tucked and rolled sideways, quickly bringing the weapon up on my stomach.

In front of me, Mars was in the middle of going for a third shot when Bakane rushed her. She barely got two steps when the monster took a swipe, resulting ultimately in a trip.

Powers or no, Mars is no match for that thing hand-to-hand! It's just got too much rip and tear. It'll dismember her in seconds if it gets a hold of any part of her body.

I paused.

...Rip and tear?

Sometimes, I remember some of the weirdest things at the weirdest times. But those keywords took me back three days. Back when Washu was teaching me about the rounds. Back to the Doduos.

And it clicked.

The Doduos of the planet Abason, the most vicious predators in the galaxy... Cat-like, but with something like six-eyes. A bit part side story from the Okuda manga that was sitting on my shelf back home. The one in the story was named fluffy, and Mihoshi had saved it from a hunting trap. It was huge, violent, and so powerful it could rip right through force fields with its bare paws. An animal so lethal that people would hunt it at no less than a mile away, with bullets more at home ripping the engine blocks out of military vehicles than for shooting animals.

Bullets which Washu had scaled down and given to me, specifically for the task of fighting with killer monsters.

I found my hands working before I had finished the thought. The chamber was open, and I was frantically fishing backlash rounds off my chest as quickly as my now shaking hands would allow me.

The rain, which was steadily starting to pick up, wasn't helping any either since it was making mossy more slick than normal.

While I worked, I more heard Luna come running up than saw her as she interspersed herself between Mars and the Doduos wannabe.

"STOP!" she shouted. My train of thought came to a screeching halt.

"Rhett!" she continued. "Stop! Don't do this!"

Is she?

"It's me," the Felis Sapien continued. "Luna. Remember?"

There was a pop, the girl quickly changing into her feline form.

She is.

I did my best to will more speed into my hands. But the harder I tried, the more I had issues getting the rounds into the tube. My hands were shaking so bad I might as well had been trying to thread a needle with mittens on.

"Remember me," Luna pleaded once more.

Round in, next round... come on...

In front me, Luna continued to stare up at Bakane as the beast slowly stood up to its full height, emitting that low pulsing growl.

"Remember," Luna almost chanted.

There was a brief pause. Bakane seemed to become very still as it focused on Luna. Pausing from my loading, I was about to hope that her pleas might actually be working.

Then Bakane snorted, raised its massive hand, and batted Luna aside like a toy.

The feline flew several meters and smacked right into a tree.

"LUNA!"

My hands went rock steady as I bit my lip, choking again on the flavor of copper in my mouth. The fourth round shoved into the tube as I began to roll myself back onto my stomach. My ribs protested, my shoulder protested. And my body just moved like lead weight as I forced myself back to my feet.

Bakane advanced on Mars, who was desperately trying to focus to launch an attack. At this point, it didn't look like she'd manage it, even if she didn't look scared. The monster was too close, and it was going for the kill.

I almost dropped my weapon, stumbling to keep my hands on it and not to drop it muzzle first into the ground which was now quickly starting to mud-up on us. Got to win. Got to beat that monster before it kills Luna and Rei.

My foot planted; the barrel came up. Bakane towered over Mars, emitting another growl as it raised for a blow. Probably a lethal one...

I didn't go through the shooting cycle. I just squeezed the trigger.

Mossy barked: A thunderclap of sound to accentuate the rain.

Bakane snarled in pain. I stumbled back, all but screaming myself. The force of the Backlash's recoil drove the stock into my arm, putting pressure on an already sore chest, causing the worst spike of pain thus far. It honestly felt like I'd shot myself in that moment.

Bakane turned, hissing in my direction. My arm cycled, shoulder screaming at the pressure required to pull and push the pump.

A second round ripped away. Again, feeling all the world like I'd shot myself.

Bakane stumbled back a step even as I did so. Then it stumbled some more as it fought to hold its balance.

Again, I clenched my teeth, locking my breath as I cycled the load. Again, I fired. Again, the pain shot through my chest like I was on the receiving end.

My breathing was coming in gasps. The pain was so intense the corners of my vision were starting to fade. I can't leave. Not yet... Not with this monster... this super beast capable of killing the Senshi by itself still standing.

My shoulder burned like fire as I cycled again. This time, the barrel came up to eye level as I focused down the sights. At this range, I absolutely refuse to miss. I have to end this.

Now...

"Sorry kitty," I muttered, putting the dot on the sight right between the creature's eyes.

I refuse to describe what I saw in that sight when I squeezed the trigger. However I will say that a small corner of my mind was happy that Sailor Moon had been blinded and removed from the battle. Because I think if she had to see what I just did, it would scar her for life.

The monster's limbs dropped limply to the side as the echo bounced around the park. Then its knees and legs buckled, collapsing under fifteen hundred pounds of weight without the guidance that kept it erect.

The recoil of the shot felt like yet another brutal round to my own chest, eliciting a spike of pain to my already overloaded mind.

And just like that, it was over.

I stood there, breathing in half-choked gasps. Mossy dropped, my arms almost refusing to hold the weapon any longer. In front of me, just past the former monster, I could see Mars staring right back, her face pale as a week ago when I'd killed Zoicite.

The rain was coming down steady now, already starting to matte her hair. We just stared at each other for several seconds.

"This..." I began English after a long pause. "This is The SUCK."

I managed to shuffle over, switching mossy from my good arm to my bad before using the good one to help Mars to her feet. The strength enhancement helped.

"Th- Thanks." She stated unsteadily. Her eyes had this look to them. I didn't know what to call it. They similar to the look Sailor Moon had on her face earlier.

"Is-" I began, then coughed a little and took a gasp of air. The dizziness returning slightly. Mars reached out and caught me by the shoulder to make sure I stayed on my feet. "Is everyone okay?"

I turned my head as I reached up to open my mask, finding Luna standing up slowly.

"Luna?" I asked. "You okay? Talk to me."

"Been better," the feline groaned. "H- He actually hit me. I didn't think he'd actually hit me."

"I wouldn't count on anything else from the show at this point," I commented with some effort before looking up. "Mercury, Jupiter, you two in one piece?"

The fog had cleared, replaced by rain and mist. I could see the two Senshi in question wander up. They both took one long look at the monster that used to be Bakane before it began to dissolve.

After a few seconds, the monster was all but gone, leaving the former identity. Mercury immediately covered her mouth and turned away. Jupiter just blanched, but was too busy clutching her arm.

"How bad did he get you?" I asked. Jupiter looked at me confused for a second.

"Your arm," I indicated.

"Oh," she looked down. "He got me good. I think it's broken."

"Let me see," I reached out with my good arm. The Lightning Senshi raised her own. It didn't take a medical expert to spot he obvious deformity in her forearm where Bakane had struck. And it only took a few tender pokes to find the bones were not where they should be.

"Ow," she grit her teeth.

"Yeah, that's busted," I commented after a moment, letting her go.

"How about you?" Mars interrupted. She still had that haunted look in her eyes.

"Me?" I asked with almost a laugh. Then my face fell. "I just got violently mauled by a monster the size of a bear. I'm hurting right now. Everywhere... Don't know what's broken."

I swallowed more copper.

"And I think I'm spitting up blood... That's never a good thing."

I had the most inappropriate urge to laugh, causing me to chuckle painfully a few times.

"Heh-eh..." I continued. "Were this home, I'd probably be on my way to the emergency room right now."

"You've also got a concussion," Mercury noted quietly.

"I do?" I asked.

"You should hear yourself," she turned towards me, walking forward. "You're slurring badly."

"Lovely," I sighed, immediately getting a light cough. The ice Senshi stopped in front of me and carefully examined my face.

"I'm almost tempted to give my mother a call," she concluded after a moment. "But I'm not sure how I could explain you to her. We can't just take you to a hospital. They'll ask too many questions."

'Beep beep'.

We both glanced down at my 'watch'. The little timer on my suit was reading two minutes.

"Guess I don't need this any more," I noted quietly, swapping Mossy back to my left hand so I could twist the strength dial.

When normal strength settled in, I really felt it. I was so exhausted... Without the strength enhancement effectively holding me up, I almost fell over.

"Whoa..." I shook my head, which didn't help at all. "I didn't realize how much that was helping."

Mossy got put into the pocket next. No more enemies meant I didn't really need a shotgun out anymore.

"So did we get Sailor Moon out of the fight safely?" I asked.

"Yeah," Mars piped in. "She's safe."

The Senshi were still casting glances at the little cat that had given us so much trouble. It was rather disturbing to see honestly, and I've seen my fair share of road kill...

"Mars," I sighed. "Incinerate the body."

That was enough to shock her out of her stupor.

"What?" she asked. "You mean-"

"What are you talking about?" Luna interrupted. "We can't just do that? That poor little girl-"

"Rhett's dead Luna," I turned to the feline. "I'm not taking a headless corpse back to hand to a little girl."

"But you didn't have to kill him," Mercury jumped in. "We could have saved him."

"We tried," I turned to the ice Senshi, noting the sad look on her face. "I tried... We just didn't have enough options."

"But to burn the body?" Luna asked again. "That girl will be missing Rhett, and go looking."

"That's the idea," I pointed out.

"You don't want to tell the girl?" Jupiter blinked. "That's a bit harsh."

"Look," I could feel irritation in my voice rising. Why was this so hard to grasp? "I just blew the head off of a monster that used to be a little girl's pet. How do you think I feel about having to do that? Do you think I want to go explain to that kid what happened? Better if her cat just disappeared one day. Then instead she'll just wonder what happened instead of knowing."

"You didn't have to," Luna pouted.

"Didn't have t-" I turned and paced, flinching internally as my ribs reminded me I was still in pain. "Luna... We tried. We failed. If I hadn't killed it, it would have killed you and Rei. And likely me next. I'm not exactly going anywhere in this condition."

Luna just looked down, her ears lowering.

"Well," Jupiter frowned. "Maybe if someone hadn't screwed up our time line."

"DON'T," I began. I could feel that anger from earlier resurfacing at the implication. Even if she said it more out of irritation than actual conviction.

"Don't EVEN blame this on me," I continued. "Young lady. I may have made my share of mistakes. But I didn't start this shit. I didn't start ANY of this shit."

Anger provided me with a new surge of energy, my irritation fueled by pain as I turned to face the lightning Senshi.

"I'm doing my best to stay alive, and keep you alive as well," I continued, my voice rising. "Because I don't know if you've realized this yet honey. But THIS, IS WAR!"

Jupiter backed up slightly when I shouted the last part.

"WAR!" I snapped again. "Understand? Your enemy isn't a bunch of street thugs out doing bad just to get a laugh. They aren't stealing candy and robbing banks. They are here for conquest. They are here to kill you all."

I waited a second before continuing.

"Kill," I stated. "Dead. Just like any other war. And while you go to school and make friends and comment on how half the boys you meet look like your Sempai, Beryl's off in her lair, gazing into her crystal ball, plotting the best way to cut off your head and mount it on a STICK."

I was advancing on Jupiter at a decent pace now, forcing her to back up in order to keep some distance between us.

"And if you girls don't start getting your act together RIGHT NOW," I continued, turning to the others. "The enemy will kill you. They already killed you once. You got lucky and the queen managed to get you reincarnated."

I turned my head back to Jupiter, the unfortunate focus of my current rant.

"But thanks to whatever the hell freak event of nature put me here, all bets are off." I glared. "And in three months... You die. All of you."

That got their attention more than anything.

"And without that plot crystal I'm trying desperately to get back," I continued evenly. "Usagi won't be able to resurrect your asses or kill the eldrich horror backing Beryl up. Which means, when you die, you die for real. Game Over. No more continues. The End."

Nobody said anything. The only sound was the rain, now coming down in full, and the wind.

"So if you want to NOT DIE," I continued. "You'd better wake up, and figure out where to draw the line between life, and beating the living shit out of the dark kingdom. Because in a fight... Hesitation will kill you."

Wind's getting louder. I wonder if it's a gust front.

Mercury walked up and rested a hand on my shoulder. Her face was sad, but stern.

"Sorry," I shook my head. "The stress is getting to me."

"It's okay," she stated. "I don't blame you for what happened."

"Neither do I," Mars nodded from behind me. "I blame myself really. If I'd been faster..."

The wind picked up in intensity all of sudden. And I realized that for all the noise it was making, nothing was getting blown around.

"What is-" I began. And the sound continued to climb until it was a full-fledged roar that I could feel in my teeth.

It can't be.

The source passed overhead, drowning everything out completely. Luna desperately stuffed her paws over here ears. The girls instinctively seemed to duck; trying to get away from the sound as it reached deafening levels. There was no mistaking it. The roar of jet engine at full power.

"Nawww..." I tracked the sound above me, hidden by the clouds above. There was a brief orange glow at one point before the trees obscured it.

"Did that just-" I turned, and Mercury was already going full tilt at her visor and palmtop. It didn't take a genius to figure things out at the rate her face was twisting into a more and more shocked, disbelieving look.

"Those..." she began. "Were fighter jets."

"Fighter jets?" Jupiter asked. "HERE?"

"Took them long enough," I shook my head, then remembered not to do so, as that hurt. "Would have loved an air strike."

"There's more," Mercury continued. "There's... One, two, three... Five... A LOT of police and military vehicles converging on the area. I've never heard of a mobilization like this."

"Well," Luna turned to me. "You did drop a nuke in the middle of a city."

"That fight we had didn't help either," Mercury continued. "The police bands are jam packed, and I think the fighters are looking to see if there's anyone they need to shoot down. Nobody seems to know what's going on."

Time to go...

"I think we should vacate the area," I looked around. I didn't see anyone yet, but if what Mercury was saying was true. That wouldn't last like. "Unless of course you want to spend a while in an interrogation room."

"I think that's a good idea," Mercury nodded. "We should leave. NOW."

"Mars," I turned and nodded at the ex-monster on the ground. "If you're going to do it, do it now."

The fire Senshi looked at me, then at the remains of Rhett. Then, after biting her lip for a second, raised her arm. It was like watching a mini flamethrower in action. A burst of flame shot from her fingertip and lit Rhett's body on fire. Then after a moment, the intensity increased until I could actually here the small roar from the flame, and feel the heat on my face.

"Back up a little," she stated. And the heat picked up even more. It was so hot; I could see the water on the ground around us starting to evaporate in little puffs of steam.

After a few seconds, she was done, and what was left of the cat-become-monster was a charred pile of dust in a small, half-melted crater.

"Done," she sighed forlornly.

"Okay," Mercury took charge. "Let's go. They're moving in."

"My apartment," Jupiter stated quickly. "Grab Sailor Moon and meet me there."

"Got it!" Mercury nodded. "I'll get Luna... Mars?"

"I've got him," she Senshi nodded, walking over to me, then making to scoop me up.

Oh goodie...

This again...


	24. Event Horizon

* * *

**Chapter twenty four: Event Horizon**

_"There's no going back. You've changed things…forever."_

_\- Heath Ledger's Joker, The Dark Knight_

* * *

 

 

Concussion…

Four broken ribs…

Two fractured ribs…

Whiplash…

Potential Spinal Compression…

Minor Pulmonary Edema…

Torn Rotator Cuff…

That was the final list of injuries Washu rattled off in annoyance as Sailor Mercury carefully inspected the symptoms I'd been exhibiting. Half of them, I had noted, were the result of one single event. Getting bitchslapped by a fifteen hundred-pound monster... The others had been split up amongst a number of events during the course of the battle.

Turns out that the reason my neck had been bothering me during the fight was because of the power jumps. Or rather, the way the Senshi had been carrying me during those jumps. Predictably, having my body subjected to such numerous and sudden G-forces had not been good for it. The number of landings had repeatedly whipped my head backwards and forwards and really screwed it up. If I felt any tingling or numbness in my limbs or other extremities, I was to report it immediately and find a place to lie down.

Of course, thanks to the whiplash I'd received, the Senshi were now forbidden from taking me as a passenger on any more rides. Honestly? I'm not really going to complain. That shit HURT.

Spinal compression was also suspected. I had been repeatedly subjected to high-G accelerations, not too different from an ejection seat. However, chances of that were slim since I had been held perpendicular to the direction of force. Washu didn't want to take any chances though, so she decided that until she could give me a proper examination, we might as well say it happened.

My ribs? Well, Washu was impressed and shocked I'd received that kind of injury. It was one of the places her suit had been reinforced to withstand heavier impacts. Had I not been wearing it, the blow would have been instantly fatal. As it stood, the suit absorbed a tremendous amount of force when I was hit and was just not designed to handle the magnitude. Bakane had been literally shattering tree trunks. I'd managed to walk away with only some busted ribs, and some bruising to my lungs.

The bruising was the reason I'd been tasting copper. I really was coughing up blood. Luckily, the trauma was minor, and my nanomachine injection was doing its job.

Of course, none of those injuries held a candle to what could have happened… Well, aside from being dead. When Bakane struck me, I didn't just take a blow to the chest. The monster's hand was almost as big as my upper torso. I'd taken a blow to both the chest and my face at the same time. Had I not been wearing a helmet, the monster's claws would have literally ripped my face off.

The helmet had the marks to prove it. I didn't learn about it until we'd made it safely to Makoto's apartment. But the helmet had been cracked almost in half like a walnut. And the faceplate, as I'd noted, had a gouge in it right across the nose, with a hole where one claw punctured it. If I hadn't had that faceplate, chances are the claw would have ripped my nose off, and tore my eyes from their sockets. Washu's glasses or no….

My shoulder, while no real fault of my own, was still just the result of an error in judgment. Attempting a full throwing motion at four times the strength and speed the body was built for will quickly lead to all kinds of physical damage. I was actually kind of lucky, having no prior injury to that arm. So the damage was limited to just a small tear.

Overall, the Prognosis was good. If I was alert enough to feel the pain, chances are I would be fine.

Of course, that was assuming I didn't make anything worse. So she left me with some rather simple instructions:

DON'T.

DO.

JACK.

SHIT.

Bed rest would normally be what was prescribed in a case like mine. Several weeks of it in fact… I was so physically beat up that no doctor in their right mind would let me go anywhere in my condition. Of course, we all knew that was physically impossible to prevent. So I was to do as little of nothing as I could possibly manage.

And of course, Eat.

Washu made it clear.

Eat, eat, EAT…

After the beating I took, even with throttle back, the nanomachines were going to be powering through my bloodstream to heal my injuries. This meant they would be burning through a lot of my body fat and producing excess heat. So I was given a diet of any and all food I could possibly scarf down, lots of water, and strangely, Cranberry Juice. If I could get my hands on any…

If I didn't, I really did run the risk of starving to death, or becoming jaundice, or overheating. At which point there would be nothing Washu could do for me remotely short of breaking the 'rules'. And she made it quite clear that if she had to break the rules, I WOULD live to regret it.

Washu expected that due to the extent of my injuries, that it would probably take me two to three days to heal. The concussion was the only thing that might take longer. Due to the delicate nature of the human brain, the Nanomachines would not work as fast as they would with the simpler structures in my body.

The concussion also had her a touch worried. Having two injuries of that nature in such a short time span could cause problems for me later. And being unable to simply slap down some brain scans or give me any comprehensive psychological tests, she had to settle with the old fashioned method of checking. That being: staying awake for a few hours to see if anything abnormal occurs.

So she asked Mercury to monitor me for a while.

So there you have it. By doctor's orders, I have to do as little as physically possible without falling asleep, while trying to eat as much as possible.

[Did I mention I still don't have an appetite?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=To8J45VxzQU&index=9&list=PL3CRUt-GCCPPpiB0sVqNxUzbNQQkoZsn1)

"It still amazes that you managed to keep going in this condition," Luna frowned. "For a second I really thought you were dead. I never expected to see a regular human put up that kind of fight."

I was sitting in the Living room of Makoto's apartment, my suit partially stripped down to my waist. I'd been instructed to do so while Mercury was checking my ribs. The bruising I could see from a mirror, oh god it was ugly. Luna sat across from me in her humanoid form, dabbing my face with a cotton swab and some peroxide. The little burst of heat I'd felt through the hole in my mask had been more than just a little heat. A small patch of my face was pink with a first degree burn. Nothing really worth reporting to Washu, but enough to get a response from the other girls once I'd taken my helmet off.

It was kind of funny though. Aside from Luna and myself, everyone was still in a transformed state, right down to the miniskirts and tiaras despite the fact that we were safe from prying eyes. The reason of course, was because Tuxedo Kamen was standing in the room. He'd been broodingly quiet the whole time, but nobody wanted to be the one to blow their secret Identity. I might know everyone, but they don't yet know each other.

"After being stuck with me for a week," I began. "You didn't expect that?"

Luna blinked at me for a second.

"I don't mean it like that," she continued. "It's just, well. I hadn't actually seen you fight anyone. You just kind of weaseled your way around fights."

Luna dabbed the burn on my face, causing me to wince, which made me to shudder because of my ribs.

"And then out there," she continued. "During that battle this evening, I watched something change in you. One minute, you were just like you've always been. The next you were…"

Luna leaned back, brow furrowed in confusion.

"I don't know what to say," she continued. "You were… were…"

"Scary," Mars nodded from nearby. "I think that's the right thing to say."

"Scary," Luna nodded. "I wasn't expecting that."

Then she frowned again at me.

"But that was reckless," she chided. "I know you know better."

"Honestly," Jupiter piped in with some grit in her voice. She was sitting nearby in a chair while Mercury carefully triple checked a book she had, pressing my Crab Tooth into her ear. "I'm just happy you're on our side. When you attacked Kunzite, you didn't mess around. I thought you'd flipped out."

"Okay," Mercury commented suddenly. "Hold still Jupiter, this is going to hurt."

The Ice senshi reached down and carefully picked up Jupiter's deformed arm.

"Okay, but I doubt it'll hurt more than-"

CRACK!

"YEEEOOW… OW!"

"Sorry," Mercury whimpered.

"It's okay," Jupiter hissed from between her teeth.

"Okay," Mercury continued off into space. "I've almost got the break reset, what else was there?"

"Anyway," Jupiter continued. I could see her eyes watering through the way she'd set her jaw. "I thought you'd flipped out. And then when you opened fire and Kunzite started scrambling… Well, scary's one way to put it. But there was something else to it. I figured, if you can do it and actually make those pretty-boys run for their lives…"

"That's how a soldier fights," I sighed. "We don't stand around telling the enemy how evil they are. We kick down doors, blow shit up, and then go home."

Well, that's what soldiers are technically supposed to do. I was just SATCOMM… Satcomm's job was supposed to be sit in chairs and make sure all the people blowing shit up could talk about it to all the people telling them what shit to blow up from the other side of the planet. But I guess at this point it doesn't matter. We're all soldiers now. I'm a trans-dimensional soldier, and they're soldiers in miniskirts.

Strange how that sounds when you mean it…

I admit, it was kinda' cool seeing them in action as an actual working, coherent unit. However novice they were at it. Between the scary parts, just thinking about how shocked Kunzite looked when I explained to Mars exactly what I wanted her to do after she managed that high intensity attack the first time… That was almost worth the beating Bakane gave me. You don't get to see a normally smug high level bad guy look that completely out of place very often. Usually that kind of thing only happens right before he's defeated by the good guys… Usually shouting about how it should be impossible.

Kunzite was just straight up silent.

Poke.

"GAH!" I gasped.

"What-cha thinking about?" Luna asked. "You've got the biggest grin on your face…"

"Nothing much," I winced as the pain continued to throb. "Just thinking about how much ass the girls kicked today. Even if it ended a little sour..."

I turned as best as I could to the others and stuck my thumb up.

"That was awesome," I smirked. "Every last damn second of it."

"I take it I missed the best parts?" Luna asked.

"Mars the living artillery piece," I began on my fingers. "Jupiter unleashing some massive thunderbolts-"

Despite the pained look on her face, the latter managed to crack a grin.

"Mercury's fogs were a pain in the ass," I continued. "But they worked better than advertised."

Mercury stopped chatting with Washu for a second and looked at me.

"I'm sorry, did you need something?" She asked. I just ignored her and kept on going.

"And I think 'Lazy Bones' found what she was good at in a fight," I finished.

"Lazy Bones?" Tuxedo Kamen blurted out.

"It SPEAKS!" I turned again, trying to ignore my ribs. Unfortunately I was wracked by a copper flavored cough. I guess that wasn't quite under control yet. Pain followed and I regretted the move even more when Luna put a hand on my shoulder.

"You really need to slow down and take it easy," the catgirl reprimanded me. "You're horribly banged up."

"Yeah, yeah…" I grimaced.

"Why's he here anyway?" Mars indicated the masked prince. "Normally he just pops up, saves one of us, then takes off."

"If he wants to hang around, you'll hear no complaints from me!" Sailor Moon grinned. She was all but latched to Kamen's arm, looking like a kid who just found out she was going to the candy store.

"I was promised answers," Kamen replied. He didn't seem too inclined one way or the other to the Senshi that had claimed property rights to his arm. "So I'm just waiting on you."

Answers?

Answers… What answers did I-?

"Did I promise him some answers?" I turned to Luna. The felis sapien just looked at me confused before Kamen took a step forward.

"You better not be trying to back out of this." He began. "Because if you are I'm-"

"Whoa, whoa… CHILL!" I cut him off, raising my hands in a 'time out' signal. "Sheesh… I just finished getting the sense knocked out of me by a three-quarter ton ball of rip and tear. I've got a few screws loose, okay?"

Tuxedo Kamen relaxed a bit, but didn't show any signs of stepping back. What answer did I promise him? What was it? Dammit…

"Refresh my concussed memory," I instructed. "Which answers did I say I was going to give you?"

"You were rather vague," Kamen responded. "If it helps, you seemed to know what I've been dreaming about lately."

His dreams?

Dreams… Kamen was having those recurring dreams about-

Oh… OH!

"OH!" I exclaimed. "Yeah, yeah! There we go. I remember now. I was going to explain how I knew your secrets."

Kamen just continued to look at me expectantly. Sheesh, he really isn't in the best of moods is he?

"How can I explain this?" I leaned back into the couch. Oh, that felt good. I could almost pass out like this. "How…"

What did I tell him again? Oh, this concussion's played all kinds of havoc with the details. I had to, what? Keep him in the fight? And he'd only stay if…

Oh, that's right. I all but drew him a picture.

"Okay," I announced. "We'll do it like this."

I waited for everyone to be giving me their full attention, even Mercury. Then I stuck one finger in the air.

"Everyone who wants to know who the Moon Princess is, raise your hand."

Moon all but jumped at the invitation.

"Oh!" she stuck her hand in the air. "I want to know!"

"Wait!" Luna interjected. "I thought didn't want to tell anyone yet!"

"Wha-" Mars was next, looking between us a little confused. "I thought you said you didn't even know."

Newsflash…

"I lied."

"You…" the fire Senshi just blinked, looking hurt. Oh boy… "You lied to me? Wha- Why?"

"Because," Luna began. "He's just-"

"I got this," I interrupted the felis sapien. Luna just stopped and nodded.

"Look," I continued. "Let me ask you this. Do you know temporal mechanics?"

"Temporal…" Mars began.

"Do you?" I continued.

Mars just stood there, looking dumbfounded by the big words I'd just used. Technically I don't know temporal mechanics either, but you know? I don't care. I've got a better grasp on things than she does, and I'm not going to sit here while everyone gets emotional over stupid shit.

After a few seconds pause, Mars finally started to shake her head.

"Then you don't EVEN want to go there," I continued. "It gets confusing. Really, really fast."

"Are you talking about that whole bit where you don't want to mess up the timeline?" Jupiter asked.

"Yes," I nodded.

"So you were just trying not to cause too much damage," she continued. "Information we shouldn't know and such…"

"Yes," I nodded again.

"Okay," Jupiter shrugged. "That makes sense. It's a weird kind of sense, but it makes sense."

Mars just continued to look a touch hurt, but otherwise said nothing.

"So who is the Moon Princess?" Sailor Moon jumped in. Despite the loaded exchange, she was practically on the edge of her seat, if not oblivious.

"You are."

We all turned. Well, they turned; I tried to turn and failed painfully as they all cast a gaze to Mercury.

"Sailor Moon is the princess," she continued.

Silence…

"How did you-?" I began.

"It's obvious," she shrugged. "I noticed you've been talking to her a little differently than everyone else."

I blinked. I really did. I mean… That's all? That's all it took for her to figure it out? You've GOT to be kidding me. I didn't think I was treating her any more differently than the rest of the girls. Well, maybe I was exercising more patience to get past her naivete, but beyond that…

"Oh," she continued. "And there was the fact that you mentioned her using the crystal earlier. If it's hers, then she's the princess. Not to mention the box you were showing us. Makes sense that she's the princess if she's the lead character…"

She paused. Then furrowed her brow...

"And now that I think about it… She's the sailor senshi of the moon, and we're all representatives of planets. That's kind of odd. I'm surprised I didn't realize it sooner. It's like she was deliberately being hidden in plain sight."

…

Okay…

New rule: Ami is Sherlock Holmes.

"So," Sailor Moon's voice grabbed our attention. "I… I'm the princess?"

Eyes turned to me. No doubt they believed Mercury, but they wanted me to confirm it. After all, it was pretty much common knowledge that I knew everything at this point. Whatever I say goes. I wanted to nod, but any head motion at this point was brutally painful. So I just stuck my arm up and gave her a Thumbs Up.

"Cool…"

…

That was different. I was expecting her to spaz out the moment it clicked. Or maybe shout in excitement.

Instead, she just asked the most off the cuff question.

"So does that make Tuxedo Kamen my prince?"

This resulted in the silence continuing for several more seconds before it was broken by a chuckle of laughter. My eyes were drawn to Luna, who was steadily getting louder until she almost fell over in her mirth.

"Wh-What's so funny?" the princess asked.

"It's," the felis sapien began, but was interrupted by another series of giggles. "It's just, how you said that…"

Luna quickly turned to me, then started laughing again.

"Why am I laughing so hard?" she managed to gasp out. "It's not THAT funny…"

I would have shrugged if it didn't hurt, so I just opted with an 'I don't know,' instead. Luna was laughing so hard she had tears in her eyes at this point. Turning as best as I could back to the inadvertent couple, a thought struck me.

"Maybe it's because you don't know how right you are," I stated.

That got a bunch of blank stares while Luna got herself under control.

"Ladies and gentlemen," I indicated Tuxedo Kamen with one hand. "Prince Endymion."

THAT got Sailor Moon to spaz.

"REALLY!" she all but shrieked. Both Kamen and I winced at the volume. Sheesh...

"Yes," I scrunched my face up. "He is. Chill out."

"What?" The masked prince looked around confused after he recovered from the noise. "Endy… What?"

"It makes more sense in context," I commented. "There's a whole bunch of reincarnation and memories from a past life involved. I'll just skip the long version and say that all the confusion you've been going through is a result of those past-life memories. You're Prince Endymion. She's princess Serenity. The mighty morphin' power Senshi over here are part of her royal court, and the whole situation we're stuck in is a result of a jealous bitch making a deal with an Eldritch Abomination just to get into your pants."

Blank stares...

"Plus a minor case of total genocide…" I added as an afterthought.

"That…" Luna began after a moment, and then paused. "That sums everything up surprisingly well. But I have one question."

"What?" I asked.

"What's an… Eldritch Abomination?"

I really need to explain my personal geek phrases before I use them more often.

"The best way I can describe Metallia," I remembered not to shrug just in time. "What better way to describe an amorphous spirit of hate and death?"

Luna nodded and sat back. She was obviously still confused, but wasn't going to inquire more.

"So that's the short version," I sighed. "What it all boils down to is that you're all on the same side. So you can go ahead and drop the transformation disguises."

The assembled Senshi glanced at each other briefly, looking unsure before Jupiter spoke up.

"After seeing what I've seen today," she began. "I'm inclined to trust what you say… But there's no way I'm just going to drop the only disguise I have on your say so."

There was a round of nods from the other Senshi save Moon.

"I agree," Kamen nodded. "I don't know who they are either. Even if we're on the same side…"

"Oh for fuck's sake," I muttered in English. "Chiba Mamouru, get with the program."

Moon froze.

"Sailor Mars is Hino Rei," I continued in irritation before anyone could cut in. "Kino Makoto's Sailor Jupiter, Muzino Ami for Mercury, and of course, everyone's favorite moon princess is also known as the lovable spaz, Tsukino Usagi."

Kamen froze this time.

"Aino Minako isn't here, or I'd introduce you to Sailor Venus, also known as Sailor V. Got it? Easy. Now everyone knows everyone. Of course, you knew each other in real life anyway. Questions? No. Good. NEXT ISSUE!"

"Sheesh, tell the whole world why don't you," Rei complained as she let her Senshi transformation drop. There was a slight hiss and a pop as she did so, and the familiar gray-brown uniform she'd been wearing to school earlier that day replaced the red and white Fuku she had.

"I don't exactly feel like trying to talk everybody into agreeing right now," I snapped back defensively. Almost a little too defensively... "You're all on the same side, and you already know each other. And I don't have time to sort out the drama. So can we skip it?"

"Wait!"

All eyes turned to Sailor Moon.

"You mean to tell me, that my Tuxedo Kamen is that meanie, Chiba Mamouru?" she asked.

"Meanie?" He scoffed. "That really is you, isn't it dumpling head?"

Oh boy…

"Yes, MEANIE," she snapped. "And stop calling me that. I never gave you permission to."

"I thought there was something familiar about the way you acted," he chuckled. "So you're supposed to be the moon princess? You sure don't act like it."

"If he says I'm the princess," Moon shot back. "Then I'm the princess. What about you? You're supposed to be the prince? YOU sure don't act like it."

"Hey," Tuxedo Kamen crossed his arms. "I've been pulling your butt out of the fire for the past six months. Doesn't that count for anything?"

God, it's like watching an internet debate go down in real life. They're just going at it with her getting all mad at comments that shouldn't even matter, and he's just pushing her buttons with ease. Almost like-

Like he's doing that on purpose?

SONUVA!

"Are you sure he's the prince?" Sailor Moon suddenly turned to me. "Maybe getting hit in the head messed up your memory? Because he can't be the prince... He's too much of a jerk to be a prince."

Oh… NOW it all makes sense. I don't fucking believe it…

Tuxedo Kamen cut in before I could open my mouth.

"If he says I'm the prince," he commented in a mocking tone. "Then I guess I must be the prince. Or maybe his memory is messed up from hitting his head, and you aren't the princess…"

"You take that back!"

Ugh… Mod's gotta' Mod.

"CHIBA!" I snapped. Note to self, drill tone and broken ribs do not mix.

Everyone paused while I fixed the masked prince with a glare.

"Quit trolling her…" I continued in a softer tone. "I don't think she gets it."

"Troll is a perfect name," Moon snapped, glaring at the prince. Oy vey… Do I have to spell it out?

"Usagi," I sighed, using her real name in order to get her full attention. "To troll someone means to bait them in order to get an emotional rise out of them. He's been doing it from day one."

I can't believe I never noticed that sooner.

"Well it's WORKING," she snapped.

At about that moment, there was a bright blue-white flash of light from behind the curtains leading the balcony. It was followed about half a second later by an enormous 'CRACK!' and a rolling boom. Sailor Moon shrieked at the top of her lungs in response, diving right into Tuxedo Kamen's chest.

"Damn that hurt…" I mumbled. The sound had startled me and caused me to jump in my spot. As if I weren't hurting badly enough… Kamen, in the mean time, just blinked down at the formerly hostile princess.

"Don't like thunder?" he asked. Sailor Moon's only response was to clutch the tuxedo he was wearing tighter and whimper.

I can sympathize with her there. I used to be afraid of thunder. Hell, I still plug my ears during a storm. But these days, that's more due to the fact that I HATE nearly having the piss startled out of me when I'm half asleep. I mean, fuck. You're just about dozed off and 'BOOM!' Good luck getting back to sleep. It takes ten minutes just for the adrenaline to wear off. I'd rather just skip it.

I'll tell you what though… Your arms get SORE like that real quick. Maybe I should invest in ear plugs…

"Oh come on," Rei turned to Sailor Moon. "Makoto was dropping bolts just as loud out there earlier. My ears were ringing the whole time. How come you weren't so scared then?"

"It's not the same," moon replied.

"It's exactly the same," Rei snapped.

"Rei," this time it was Kamen. The young miko just looked up from her best friend.

"We should just drop it," he continued in a softer tone. "I don't think you can win an argument like that with dumpling head."

"I thought told you not to call me that," Moon mumbled from where her face was buried.

"And I thought you hated my guts," Kamen replied with a chuckle.

"You smell good," she stated softly before finally stepping back. There was a brief pause where I swear it looked like she was measuring him up.

"I guess I can forgive you," she continued. "You ARE Tuxedo Kamen, so you can't be all that bad…"

"Really?" he asked with a hint of incredulity in his voice. "All THAT bad?"

"Just a little," Moon crossed her arms and pouted. "You WERE deliberately messing with me just to get me mad. Don't think I'm just going to forget that."

"Well," Kamen put his hand behind his head. "I admit it. It was funny watching you get all bent out of shape. But I'm sorry. I didn't realize it upset you THAT much. Forgive me for being bored?"

"I'll tell you what," the princess uncrossed her arms and walked up to him again. The masked prince easily towered over her at that point. Funny just how much of a height difference they really have…

"Buy me a chocolate parfait, and we'll call it even." Then she stretched herself out, standing on the tips of her boots, and gave Tuxedo Kamen a peck on the cheek.

I blinked. I can honestly say that even though I know how fast young girls can go through mood swings, I'd never seen anyone do a full one-eighty that quickly before. Let alone the total three-sixty Usagi just pulled.

"Okay…" Jupiter finally commented. "What just happened?"

"I think Usagi just stole my boyfriend," Rei replied in a confused tone. I guess I wasn't the only one who was surprised.

"Eh… Not like you were using him for anything besides a glorified shopping cart anyway," the lightning Senshi poked in fun.

"Hey!" Rei turned and shot a glare at Jupiter.

"I'm just calling it how I see it," Jupiter raised her arms defensively. Then she grit her teeth and dropped them. "Okay, that hurts…"

"Oh!" Moon turned around quickly at the sound. "Is Ami done yet? I want to give this a shot."

"Not if she does stuff like that," the latter commented, coming out of what had to be a fascinating conversation with Washu. "I set the bone, but it's not secured. Now I have to check it- Yeah, she moved. No, actually he's been staying rather still."

A little detail on this bit of discussion: Almost from the very moment she'd found out Jupiter was hurt, Sailor Moon had been absolutely DYING to try her new found 'skill' of healing out in full. I don't blame her. The girl had 'discovered', or should I say 'realized', the power she was best at. Considering how many different things she's tried on impulse. The fads, the tantalizing hooks the generals had used in their plots… All these things she just hadn't been good at. To try something and achieve results in it so perfectly. I know how that feels. It just 'clicks'... Even if it's hard; when it clicks, something about it just drives you to attack it with everything you have. Your esteem skyrockets, and nothing can dissuade you. It's motivation, pure and simple.

And watching Sailor Moon's enthusiasm, I realized that in pointing out to her the power she was so good at and spelling it out, it had clicked with her. The results she'd had in the fight had given her a positive feedback loop of encouragement. And in that, she discovered something that motivated her.

Anyway, long story short, Sailor Moon was practically begging to try out healing on an actual injury. Mercury, being more grounded and skeptical, wanted to get at least a second opinion somehow before Moon tried anything she didn't fully understand.

Since we'd contacted Washu about my injuries anyway, she just became the Go-To person.

Aside from my strict 'don't do jack shit' instructions, Washu suggested that before Sailor Moon attempted to heal Jupiter's broken arm, that the bone at least be set so that there was no possibility of it healing incorrectly. The agreement was unanimous, especially Jupiter, who's arm this little stunt would be tried on.

'It's my arm after all…'

Indeed. Better safe than sorry.

Mercury lifted the taller Senshi's arm up and probed the break a few more times, causing Jupiter, tough as she was, to wince in pain before setting it down gently.

"Sorry…" the ice senshi apologized once more.

"No problem," Jupiter grit out.

"Alright," Mercury commented with a turn. "Looks like its okay. Sailor Moon, you're up."

"Okay!" Moon snapped with more enthusiasm than I could ever produce. She was practically drooling as she brought her moon wand out from… SOMEWHERE with an overly flamboyant twirl.

I mean, seriously. People call her the klutz, but like I pointed out before, a klutz couldn't do half the stuff she did such as jumping from roof to roof without making a spectacular display of turning into street pizza.

"Okay," she took a calming breath while changing her stance. "Are you ready?"

"Give me a zap," Jupiter nodded. "Let's see what happens."

"Alright, here it goes." Moon raised her magical stick. "Moon, healing… ESCALATION!"

The first thing I noticed, was the 'dance'… or rather. The lack thereof. Sailor Moon completely forewent what I would guess you could call the 'stock footage'. No spinning, no fairy dust, no tracing circles in the air. She just stuck the item out, exclaimed her words of power, and aimed it at Jupiter.

The next thing I noticed was the magic itself. After what little direct magic I'd seen up to this point, I really wanted to get a good clear look at something that was most certainly pure magic, and not something like a fireball, or exploding knives.

It was… Enlightening.

I'm not to say I'm disappointed. Far from it. But what you see in the anime stock footage and what we got here were completely different animals. Just like how Ami's hair was a very dark shade of blue instead of the bright blue she was drawn with.

The magic stick started to glow. Then the air around it. It wasn't the distinct sparkly glow, but an eerie kind of glow that seemed like it wasn't quite there. It reminded me of those pictures of nuclear reactors. Only instead of a blue glow, it had a pink color. What was it? Cerenkov radiation.

The other thing was the sound. No jingles, no twinkles. Instead, there was a rather low, bass like hum. Almost like a sixty cycle hum you'd get on the phone from being too close to power lines. Except this hum seemed to fill the room and was joined by the slightest ringing sound.

The glow and the hum continued to gain intensity until it was plainly audible to anyone in the room. It didn't make too much noise as to make us afraid someone would notice, but the glow did get bright enough that I had to squint.

Then, with a faint 'fwip', it stopped.

"Well?" Luna asked. Jupiter glanced at the catgirl then scanned the rest of us.

"I feel better," she began. "That much is for certain."

Then she cautiously lifted her arm and gave it a test bend. Her smile broadened and she whipped the appendage around a few times.

"Feels a lot better," she added. "Like I never even busted it."

Then Sailor Jupiter brought her arm up and formed a fist, which she smacked into the palm of her other hand with a 'pop!'

"Oh yeah!" she grinned dangerously. "It's healed."

"It worked?" Moon grinned to the point of absurdity. "It worked! YES! YES! YES! I did it! I did it!"

Laughing hurt, but seeing the spastic princess so excited was worth it.

"This is awesome!" she continued to crow. "I'm a white mage... I'm a white mage!"

"So," Tuxedo Kamen turned to me. "That's what she's supposed to be good at?"

"Yea-ow," I forgot not to nod.

"Okay," Moon turned with a grin. "Your turn!"

Eh?

"Huh?" I voiced.

"Ne, Usagi-chan?" Luna voiced. "I don't think that's really going to work on him."

"It's at least worth a shot," Sailor Moon replied. "He's really hurt. If I can help him even a little-"

"Don't waste your time," I would have shaken my head, but couldn't. "You already know it'll go right through me."

"But Mercury could partially detect you," she objected. "That means that SOMETHING works, right? Even a little bit."

"That-" I stopped. She did kind of have a point. If Mercury could detect me even partially, that means that part of me is compatible with magic. But then again, there's no telling what might happen.

"It's probably still not a good idea," I began again. "We're guessing here. "

"It's a magical healing ray," Sailor Moon admonished with a flat deadpan look on her face. "Somehow I don't think it's going to hurt you."

"I…" But the statement fell flat. Of all the- Did she just say what I thought she did?

"Fine," I sighed. "Do what you want. I don't care."

The disguised princess just grinned and took her 'casting stance'.

"Moon healing…"

Mentally, I braced, just in case something DID happen.

"ESCALATION!"

Now, I would be the first person to say that I never expected to be on the end of a Sailor Moon magical 'attack'. Well, I don't think anyone would expect that. Not at home anyway, where she's just a cell shaded drawing. What I really mean is that even with everything that's happened, I never would have expected to be a guinea pig for Usagi testing her magical healing prowess.

But now that she was actually giving me a zap, I can describe it a little.

Yes, that's right. There was actually something to feel. It might just be the suit, but when the pink 'Cerenkov' beam hit me, the first thing I noticed was that it felt like warm sunlight on a cold morning.

That's not all too unpleasant an experience if I do say so myself. Just warm enough to push away the chills, but not so warm as to be uncomfortable.

Even more interesting, is that it wasn't just my skin, but rather it felt like my entire body was being gently warmed up. Slowly, the pain I'd been stuck with since the fight faded, and was replaced with a kind of numb warmth, like relaxing in a big chair on a warm afternoon. It was enough that I almost cracked a yawn right there.

'fwip!'

The sunlight cut off and the cold returned.

"Hey," I looked up at Moon. "Don't stop now, I was just getting used to it."

Sailor Moon staggered a step back, her breath coming in ragged gasps. Tuxedo Kamen caught her gently by the shoulders.

"Sheesh," Jupiter began, but was interrupted by Rei.

"Don't overdo it," she admonished. "Two minutes was WAY more than enough."

Two minutes?

"I- I'm fine Rei," Moon huffed. Then she took a deep breath and straightened herself out before inquiring.

"So? How do you feel? Did it work?"

Actually thinking about it… Well.

"The pain stopped," I began. "That actually felt really good. Maybe it did work and-"

I turned my head to glance at Luna, and every nerve in my body caught fire and screamed.

"URGH!" I choked. "Never mind… Still broken."

Sailor Moon just bit her lip and made ready to give it another go. However my hand came up before she could finish.

"Don't," I managed to say. "If it didn't work the first time, it's not going to work."

"And it looks like all it does is act like a pain killer anyway," Luna added. "That won't really help him much."

No, by all means, I could take all the pain-killer I could get right now. Anyone got any Ibuprofen?

"Well it did something," Mercury pointed out. "Not much but-"

She stopped to listen to Washu for several seconds.

"Really? I see… Yes, water percentage makes perfect sense."

Then she turned her attention back to us.

"Let's not waste our time trying that anymore," she instructed. "All you're really 'healing' is some of the water in his body."

Sailor Moon just sighed, seeming to fizzle out like wet match. She twirled the moon wand idly for several seconds before deciding to put it away.

"Hey," I interrupted. Sailor Moon stopped to look at me curiously. I simply raised my good hand and motioned at the magic stick.

"Mind letting me see that?" I asked. "I've never seen that thing up close."

"This?" she held the item in question up, and then glanced at the others as if to ask if it were okay. After a few seconds, and no objections, she turned and gave it a light toss.

I was unprepared to have to catch the thing, so I jerked back painfully. And even less prepared for it to nearly jam my fingers when I missed and it thumped to the floor with a loud 'clack!'.

"OW!" I snapped, then paused. "Holy SHIT! That thing's heavy!"

"What do you mean?" Luna blinked in confusion as she reached down to pick it up. "It's not that heavy…"

The Felis Sapien sat up and gently laid the magical item in my hand. After a few seconds, I knew I hadn't been in error. The moon wand WAS heavy. I was expecting maybe something that weighed no more than a children's toy. Something made out of plastic, like the sound it made when it hit the floor just now.

But instead, the wand was very solid, probably weighing more than a decent Maglight flashlight. And Maglights are essentially stainless steel tubes.

"You TWIRL this?" I looked at Sailor Moon incredulously. "Jeeze…"

It had to weigh what, four, five pounds? I could get a workout with this thing.

"What?" Moon asked. "What's so special about that?"

"Don't let anyone tell you you're a total klutz," I continued, giving the wand another weight test. It was a little crescent-heavy. Center of gravity felt like it was a little above where I had it in my hand, somewhere around the little bobble where the crescent connects to the handle.

"Anyone who can juggle this thing as effortlessly as you do…" I added, carefully switching it from my left hand, to my right hand. It really was substantial to the touch, with some kind of polished wood finish. It was pink, but not plastic or pink paint. That much was easy to tell.

"Push comes to shove," I twisted it so that I was holding it with the bobble, and then raised the handle in a bashing motion. My arm started to protest so I didn't go beyond that. "If you're in a fix, you can always club the shit out of a youma with it. I'm sure they'd love that. Cosmic Moon Bludgeon Atta-IEK!"

That last part came out as a yelp as I dropped the wand.

"Fuck that's HOT!" I snapped in English. "What the hell!"

"What happened?" Luna asked worriedly.

"That damn thing nearly burned me!" I indicated the wand with my good hand. "Fuck!"

The Felis Sapien reached down to recover the wand again, but just as she was about to grab it, jerked her hand back.

"That IS hot!" she exclaimed. "What's going on?"

"I don't know," I admitted, then turned my hand over, looking at the palm of the glove. The Wand had gotten so hot that it had burned the image of the jewels it had on it into the material. And considering what this glove was made for, that was saying something.

"Maybe it's that glove," Luna pointed out. "It's been causing you trouble almost from the moment you got it. Why are you still wearing it anyway?"

"Too lazy to take it off I guess," I shrugged. Honestly, I'd just been hurting too much to give it a go. It was a bit of a pain in the ass to pull off my hand, especially with any yank causing my shoulder to scream. "But if it is, that's the second time it's done something weird. Earlier when I was fighting Kunzite, it acted like it shorted one his attacks. Damn thing made my hand go numb."

"Can that happen?" Jupiter asked. "Shorting magic that is…"

"Hell if I know," I responded, working to fish the glove off without yanking it painfully. "But I better get this thing off before it decides to do something else I don't like. Like summon C'thulu. The last thing we need with all the shit I've already caused is to have a giant eldritch tentacle monster stomping through a universe dominated by girls in miniskirts."

Somewhere, a fanboy is imagining that and drooling… I just know it.

I finally managed to yank the glove off, biting my lip to keep from yelping at the spike of pain that shot not just through my arm, but my chest. When I looked up, I noticed both Sailor Moon and Rei had looks on their faces that reminded me of someone desperately trying to pretend they had a poker face when they obviously didn't. Sailor Moon was slowly failing, her face fighting not to turn red…

Oh HELL what have those girls been reading?

Wait... Who am I kidding? SOMEONE had to give Luna access to manga like Berserk… From there it's simple deduction. Judging how both Rei AND Usagi have the same look on their face, they must have gotten their hands on some pretty questionable material. Though to even get what I meant a moment ago they must have been readi-

Why am I even thinking about this?

"I'm not even going to ask…" I sighed. What I really need is a break from this group. And I've had a lot more water than normal. I've got to pee…

"Ugh… Bathroom," I grunted more to myself, and tried my best to stand up. That of course, failed spectacularly almost immediately. My ribs were so sore, and my neck was so bad, it was almost impossible to bend.

"Help…" I grunted.

Luna quickly stood and wrapped my good arm over her shoulder, leveraging my body until I could get my legs under me.

Once on my feet, it was a little easier to move, though I had to hold the loose part of my suit to keep from getting tangled up in it. Makoto's apartment wasn't anything too fancy. Just a small, single-bedroom affair. So the bathroom was easy enough to find. There was just one minor difficulty.

"What are you doing?" I managed to turn my whole body so as to face Luna. Rather than sitting back down once I was up, she'd opted to follow me.

"I'm making sure you'll be okay," she stated matter-of-factly. "Why?"

"I'm just going to the bathroom," I pointed out. "I don't need to be followed."

"You couldn't even stand up," she reciprocated.

"I'm going to STAY standing up," I added. "Really not that hard… Male, remember?"

"And?" she asked. "You're still hurt."

"Luna," I sighed. I'm not in the mood for this. "I have to practically undress out of this suit to go to the bathroom. I would like at least a little privacy while I do so."

Why Washu hadn't designed this thing to 'accommodate' me a little better in that department is beyond me…

"I don't see what you're fussing about" she crossed her arms. "I've already seen your naked body. And you've seen mine."

Everything went dead quiet.

Luna froze in place, her face a thinly veiled mask of shock. In response, I carefully managed to tilt at the waist to look past her into the other room, where everyone was looking right at us.

When I straightened myself out, her face was quickly taking on the hue of a ripe apple.

"I… I walked right into that one, didn't I?" she asked.

"Yeah." I agreed after a moment. "You did."

"Right," Luna took a deep, calming breath. "I should have thought about that before I said it…"

"Probably," I agreed once more.

"I…" Luna began and paused for several seconds. The color in her face got even darker. Absentmindedly, I reached out with my good hand and grasped the bathroom door.

"I must be tired," she concluded suddenly. "Maybe I should go take a nap."

"That sounds like an excellent idea," I replied as I slowly backed up and closed the door. As soon as I did so, I let my own composure fail. Sheesh, talk about saying the wrong thing. If that was a comedy gag going off, it was a good one. If I didn't know any better, I could almost see that being blurted out naturally.

Then I frowned.

When exactly did Luna see me without any clothes?

Another rumble of thunder indicated that the weather hadn't let up. Ever since we'd left the park, it had all but started coming down in buckets. Thanks to the speed at which the Senshi could bound across rooftops, we managed to get back to this apartment only slightly soaked. Still, water is wet. And as I examined the bathroom, the pile of towels everyone had used to dry off stood out amongst Makoto's otherwise nearly obsessive compulsive cleanliness.

I had noticed that about the rest of the place as well. Aside from the mess we made coming in through the balcony, the place was all but spotless. I have to wonder just how exactly she gets away with living in her own place at age fourteen when her parents are deceased. In fact, I have to wonder how this girl gets by at all. Tokyo is not cheap, and she goes to school, with no apparent job. I understand that from a writing standpoint that could just be a case of 'the author never thought about it', but when you're talking about a fully functioning reality, there has to be SOMETHING keeping this girl afloat.

Glancing around I spotted what I thought might be at least part of the answer. There was a small magazine perched in the corner. It looked like one of those deal magazines you picked up at the local supermarket. No doubt the thing had about a metric fuckton of coupons in it.

That's one part, but that still doesn't explain where she comes up with the money to start with. How does this girl pay for rent and utilities? I mean, she's not old enough to sign a lease agreement, so… Who?

Oh, stop it! It's none of your business. Look, the more you touch, the more you fuck things up around here. Given your track record, asking how Makoto manages to pay rent could very well result in her eviction. Want to have THAT on your hands next? Just go with it, it works, end of story. You're not just investigating fictional characters anymore. These are REAL people, with real lives, who don't need you poking your nose into every aspect of their existence.

Honestly, I'm not even sure if I'm real anymore. The 'What-The-Fuck' Factor busted the meter long ago…

Sighing and returning to my own business, I tried to put my mind back on track. Which is rather difficult when you've got a concussion.

Then again, I just survived a fight with a monster.

Scratch that… I WON a fight with a monster. And not just a monster, but a Dark General. Despite fucking everything up, that's a pretty good resume in retrospect. I BEAT Kunzite… I didn't kill him, but pretty much sent him home humbled to hell and back again. And the guy had been ready for a fight too. He probably really thought he'd gone up against the 'Jedi' I'd been bullshitting about. Not to mention he was probably shitting himself the whole time when the Senshi started giving him a run for his money…

Now, were that me, I'd be trying to come up with a way to win against that. If Beryl doesn't render his ass a grease stain for 'failing', he probably will too. Which means he'll come to the next fight prepared for something like this fight. Which means the next one will be an even bigger, nastier fight.

Given what happened earlier, and what happened to me, I'd like to avoid that if at all possible.

So we're probably going to need a way to one-shot his ass… Quickly… Preferably at a distance. But then, I hit the guy with a god damned antimatter round. I slapped his ass down with a fucking nuclear weapon! …When he was already tired from fighting the senshi! And he STILL got up from it.

What could I use to-?

My thoughts were interrupted by a sudden knock at the door.

"Are you okay in there?" it was Mercury's voice.

"Still alive," I returned. Sheesh, I haven't even been here three minutes.

"Just checking," the voice on the other side continued. "Washu says we need to get your chest bandaged up soon to help the healing process. So when you're done, I can take care of that, okay?"

"Got it," I replied. "I'll be out in a moment."

Mostly, what was taking me longer than normal was fighting with the suit. With one arm arguing with any attempts to move it, that wasn't quite as easy as I was used to. But I won eventually…

Returning to the living room, I discovered that everyone had dropped their transformation. Even Mamouru was now sitting down in a chair…

Usagi seemed to have staked her claim as well, seeing as she was now occupying his lap. I'll tell you what, when that girl finds something she wants, she takes over.

The moon wand had been recovered at some point, the floor where it had been sitting now empty. I still wonder what the hell was with that. Sheesh… Good thing it was the glove and not my hand. I like this hand.

"Over here," Ami motioned to a chair she'd set out. "Sit down, and put your arms up on the table."

"Should I have my suit on or off?" I asked. There was the little fact that it required direct skin contact.

"Washu?" she began. "Does his suit need to be on or off?"

There was a pause before she looked up, nodding more to herself than to me.

"We'll wrap with the suit on," she indicated. "It'll provide extra chest support."

I nodded and grit my teeth. Considering it hurt just to move, imagine how bad it was getting this thing on and off again. With the rotation of my right arm rather limited, it even came down to Ami stopping her chat with Washu to give me a hand. Not that I asked... That little bit of stubborn pride I still had... You know, complain about the little shit, and downplay real injuries? Still applies.

But then again, it was rather obvious that I wasn't going to manage on my own.

"S-OH!" I jumped when the suit gave me its sync-zap. "What are you talking to Washu about?"

"We're discussing that bullet you used," Ami replied turning to grab a roll of adhesive tape. "You really did scare me when you said it was a nuke... Hands on the table please."

I complied before continuing with another question.

"What's the yield on that thing anyway?" I asked. "She never did tell me."

"Two-hundred and twenty seven kilograms," Ami commented. Then she paused. "Oh... yeah. He wouldn't."

A quick snip to cut the tape...

"Five hundred pounds," she continued after a moment. "Since you don't know kilograms that well."

Five hundr-?

"She said it was a tank round or artillery strike," I replied. "Five hundred... Five hundred's a large bomb... Five hundred's a flippin AIR STRIKE!"

"HOLD STILL!" Ami snapped.

I froze at the command.

"Rei, can you help me get this around his side please?" she asked.

The Shinto priestess nodded and quickly moved over to assist Ami with the bandage. Now, guys... Some of you out there I'm sure would do just about anything to get a bunch of pretty girls doting all over you over some injuries. It's that whole female attention thing. We males crave it, do we not? Well, I have the solution to your problem. All you have to do is nearly get killed. That's all, I swear. Just withstand bone crushing impacts and give yourself a good concussion, and I can almost guarantee it.

I cannot however, guarantee the quality of the said situation. Given that the two females in question are only fourteen, I'm just a touch above the compatible age range. Sure, they're cute when they're just fictional characters. But honestly, even though Washu pointed out that I liked the attention, every time I'm near one of them, part of my brain has been going 'Jailbait! Jailbait! Jailbait! Jailbait!'

I'm already naturally up-tight about female attention. That just makes me even more uncomfortable.

On top of this, fourteen year olds do not have surgeon's hands!

"GRCHT!"

"Quit whining!" Rei snapped after pulling the bandage just a little too tightly.

"S-rry!" I managed to squeeze some sarcasm into my voice behind clenched teeth. "B't m-ribs 'er brok'n... It kind'r hurts!"

"Such a big baby," she shook her head. "I'm amazed you managed to fight through all this pain if this is how you act."

"Actually," Ami cut in. "He probably couldn't even feel it. The adrenaline in his system would have numbed him to pain..."

"Oh..." Rei blinked. "Really? Even after that?"

"Even that," the blue-haired senshi confirmed. "So be a little bit more careful with the bandages. This number of broken ribs is normally considered a life-threatening emergency. And I'm still not sure how we're going to immobilize his neck. He really should be looked over by professionals."

Despite the rough treatment, the two of them finished rather quickly. My chest was a little tight, but Ami had made sure that I was still able to breathe and double checked with Washu before calling it done.

"Now, about that neck…" she continued.

"I think I could come up with something to immobilize it," Makoto spoke up from her spot on the couch. I did find it kind of odd that the room was so quiet despite how many people were here. "He's about my size, so I think we could use one of my turtlenecks and brace it with something."

Another flash of lightning from behind the curtain, and a few seconds later, a rumble of thunder. Out of the corner of my vision, I could see Usagi tense up, causing Mamouru to place a reassuring hand on her shoulder.

"It's really coming down out there isn't it?" Rei asked, moving over to the curtain while Ami and Makoto disappeared into the bedroom. She pushed it back and glanced out into the night, body being silhouetted by another flash from the sky beyond.

I nearly jumped out of my skin when she shrieked and stumbled back, tripping over Makoto's coffee table and landing with a thump, almost hitting her head.

"What?" I found myself snapping.

A moment later, Ami, Makoto, as well as Luna came dashing out of the bedroom, the latter in feline form.

"What happened?" Makoto snapped, the threat of bodily harm plainly audible in her voice.

"Something's out there!" Rei blinked. "Right out there!"

"What?" Makoto looked. "We're several stories up… what could-"

'Tic-tic-tic-tic-tic…' It sounded like someone taking a penny and tapping it on glass. That made the lightning Senshi stop in mid sentence and stare curiously out the window. Rei, with Ami's help, managed to get back on her feet.

"Whatever it is," Rei continued, fishing out an Ofuda. "It's evil, overwhelmingly ev-"

She stopped. Then stuffed her Ofuda back where she'd pulled it and quickly moved over, pushing the curtain back. On the other side of the glass illuminated by the glow of the room, was a thoroughly drenched, and rather unamused looking Senbei. The demon god, waved to us, briefly backlit again by another, more distant flash of lightning.

I can see how that would scare a person.

Rei pulled the sliding glass door open, a gust of cold air accompanying the action.

"Inside!" she instructed. The little demon god didn't have to be told twice, flitting through the entrance almost before Rei could finish talking.

"Thank you," Senbei commented. "It wasn't easy tracking you in that mess…"

"What were you doing out there?" I asked. Senbei glanced at me with a puzzled look on his face as he floated down to the coffee table and took off his doll-sized green jacket.

"You left me behind." There wasn't the slightest hint of his usual flamboyance in his voice. "I was buried in a tree and I had to come find you. Lucky for you, I'm just that good."

"Sorry man," I did my best to shrug, ignoring his minor boasting. "I got pretty messed up when that critter hit me… And we had to run rather suddenly."

"Is in the past," Senbei shrugged in response, wringing out his jacket. Then he teleported about a foot to the right with two small pops. Water splashed onto the table where he had formerly been.

"However, don't expect me to play decoy twice," the now dry demon god continued. "Next time I'll just deal with it my way."

"Yeah," I sighed. "Sure…"

Nobody likes being the decoy after all.

"Anyway," Senbei continued as he slipped his jacket back on. "You may wish to turn on the TV. The things I saw before I found you… well, you need to see yourself."

Oh boy… Here it comes.

"I've got it…" Makoto turned and grabbed a remote from near where she was sitting.

'Click!'

The screen blinked to life, showing a field reporter in a rain coat standing in the downpour.

"-ncluding three fatal crashes. One at the five-way intersection of Sakurada and Gaienhigashi, the other two on the south Toshin Loop westbound. Where a truck jackknifed and lost control, slamming at least two vehicles into the wall and causing a twelve car pileup. Three people are confirmed to have died on the scene, while six more have been rushed to Mita Hospital, three in critical condition. Right now, Authorities can't say for sure what exactly happened. Only that the driver reported seeing several flashes before a man in gray clothing came flying out of nowhere. The driver claims he swerved to miss the man, and lost control of his vehicle…"

Rei's hand shot to her mouth in horror. At the same time, the Senshi quickly huddled around the TV.

"And the carnage doesn't end there," there reporter continued. "A number of smaller explosions, strange electrical phenomena, and gunfire had been reported several minutes prior to the incident along the Mita number one block. Witnesses told authorities that they saw several people apparently exchanging what appeared to be 'fireballs', 'lightning bolts', and 'death beams'. Other witnesses reported a mysterious fog appearing so suddenly they had to stop what they were doing. The full details have yet to emerge. But right now, swat teams and military units are combing the area looking for survivors and additional witnesses."

The screen cut back to the news anchor, who nodded to his field reporter.

"Thank you Hasegawa-san. And for those of you just tuning in, we are continuing our live coverage of a massive explosion in Shiba Park near the Tokyo Tower, as well as reports of what appeared to be some kind of firefight occurring in the surrounding area. Authorities are unsure what has occurred at this time, but the incident's proximity to several embassies as well as the severity of the fighting prompted the response of the self defense force. Including a pair of F-15s being scrambled from Hyakuri just minutes after the blast. Reports are continuing to pour in from the area of dozens, perhaps even hundreds injured, with twelve confirmed fatalities and an estimated six more from a building that was severely damaged by a smaller blast. Rescue workers are continuing to comb the structure in an effort to find any survivors in what they are starting to call a 'war zone'. Officials have yet to confir-"

There was a choking sound coming from Rei around that moment. And I managed to lean just well enough to see how pale she'd become. The Senshi continued to stare at the screen, seeming to convulse as she made a sound distinctly like… Like…

Oh boy.

"Rei," I began. "Rei!"

The fire senshi's face turned slightly toward me, her eyes looking empty as she stared back almost expressionless.

"I-"she choked. "I kill… killed."

She shuddered again. Ah man, she's losing it…

"Mako…" I did my best to turn. "MAKO!"

The lightning Senshi turned; her face haunted as well, but nowhere near as bad.

"Wha-"she began.

"REI!" I pointed with my good arm.

Makoto's gaze drifted over to Rei, who was now trying to steady herself on the couch as she fought between the onset of hyperventilation and the complete loss of the contents of her stomach. In an instant, the brunet's eyes regained that alert focus as she realized what was going on.

"Oh… no no no no…" she began, quickly moving over to help her friend. "Come on, it's okay… Breathe slowly, slow now."

"I…" Rei tried to choke out again. "I killed… thr-three people."

"No," Makoto soothed, pulling Rei away from the couch. "You didn't kill anyone."

The lightning senshi guided the priestess towards the kitchen.

"You didn't kill anyone," she restated. "Kunzite killed those people."

"But I-"

I couldn't see from this angle, but I could hear the gurgling as she lost control. Hopefully over the sink.

"I… I fired that attack," she continued after a pause. "I-I…"

"You nothing," Makoto stated in a more firm tone. "Kunzite is the one who got those people killed, and he'll kill everyone if we just let him have is way. Come on girl, get a hold of yourself. You know who's at fault here, and it's not yourself."

Another gurgling sound, followed by choked, ragged coughing from Rei indicated she wasn't quite done yet. That crash must have been bugging her more than I thought. I mean, it bugged me of course, but I was a little busy at the time just being full of RAGE and took it all out on Kunzite… with a nuke.

"-new reports that several witnesses reported seeing a man with a gun." The anchor continued undaunted. "Eye witnesses at Akenobashi reported seeing what they say was a man in dark clothing and a helmet, running along the street below the fighting with what one described as a shotgun."

The anchor abruptly cut to field footage of the reporter, Hasegawa, interviewing several people.

"He was shouting 'Get out of the way! Run!' at us. I don't know who he was, I couldn't see his face. He wore a helmet with a mask and some kind of black suit. For a moment, I thought we were looking at some Kamen Rider filming… But that couldn't be right. Then the glass on the building next to us shattered when something hit it. I don't know what it was, but that's when I ran. I knew it wasn't safe."

The report jumped immediately to another interview.

"He came into our building," I vaguely recognized the face but couldn't place it. "He shouted at us 'Get down! Get down! Get in the middle of the building!' I was terrified. The windows had been shattered; there was so much noise…"

Was that one of those people in…?

"It's the Sailor Senshi," another young woman stated. "I saw them, several girls in miniskirts. I didn't believe it at first; I thought they were just someone's idea of a Sailor V joke, but I saw at least two of them. They jumped across a gap in a building, moving too fast to be movie wirework. They were after some guy… He wore all gray. I didn't see any more because I decided it wasn't safe when a car crashed right in front of me."

Another cut.

"Everyone was screaming," this particular witness had several cuts on her face. "I heard a loud bang, and suddenly I found myself on the ground… It was raining glass. My husband pulled me under the entrance to a building, but some of it still got me. I'm not sure what happened. There were people, jumping on the buildings above like grasshoppers. One was flying… I thought maybe I'd hit my head."

As the TV cut back to the anchor, my eyes drifted to the others. While Makoto was still helping Rei to steady herself, Usagi was practically fixated on the screen, her expression blank, and eyes wide. Several videos were appearing in a sub-picture on the screen, showing footage of burning holes blasted into the sides of buildings. Ambulances and firefighters scrambling all over the place amidst pouring rain. Ami seemed fixated as well, but she had a sterner, analytical look on her face as if she were assessing the damage. Mamouru had a look distinctly like he was most displeased.

"Damage totals continue to climb," the anchor continued, grimly unaware of the reactions of any of his invisible audience. "Estimates are now exceeding five hundred-million yen. The death toll stands at fourteen after two more bodies were pulled from the rubble of the severely damaged building-"

I found myself clenching my teeth this time. I remember that particular blast. That was the one where Mars had tackled me out of the way. That one had been meant for me. Instead, two random people had to die. Fucking Kunzite…

"The number of injured is innumerable as more reports come in of minor injuries from the emergency shutdown of the JR East and JR central lines. Incidentally, all JR lines in and around Tokyo have been halted for safety reasons. Bus lines have also been halted for the time being until officials can make an accurate assessment of the situation. Tokyo Haneda has had all air traffic redirected to Kansai International for the time being. All other flights for the evening have been cancelled."

Usagi suddenly stood up from the TV and started making a bee-line for the door. It took a second before anyone noticed she was on the move, but the utterance of 'Moon Prism Power' as she prepared to transform again, snapped our attention to her so fast it wasn't even funny.

"What are you doing?" Luna was the first to beat us to the punch just as Usagi said 'MAKE UP!'… Sailor Moon walked out of the, rather surprisingly brief flash of light, her eyes still big as saucers.

"Hey!" Makoto saw the transformation and quickly jumped in front of the door. "What are you doing? Don't go out there right now!"

"There are people hurt out there," Sailor Moon responded with a shaky, but solid voice. "I have to help them."

"You go out there right now," Makoto continued. "You'll just get arrested."

"I don't care!" the disguised princess snapped back. "What about the people who are in the hospital because of this? At the very least I could heal them. It wouldn't take me but a minute for each person. I wouldn't be there long enough for the cops to even catch me."

"It's not the cops you need to worry about," I found myself saying. "There are soldiers out there looking for you, or me, or kunzite. You go out there; you're not going to get arrested… You're gonna' get SHOT. A lot of good you'll do then…"

"But…" Sailor Moon looked between us, even so much as looking at Mamouru for some kind of support. Technically, she was in the right. I mean, she has the ability to pretty much flash heal anyone, it would only take a few seconds at best. And it's not like the cops could keep up with her.

The problem is, with the city in a paranoid uproar, she's likely to bounce right across a soldier's field of fire and draw in a few dozen rounds. Or hell, if there's any armored fighting vehicles out there, one magic flash and she'd have the attention of a bushmaster thirty millimeter cannon. Personally, I don't think she'd like that kind of attention. I know I wouldn't.

"Let it go…" It was Rei's raggedy voice, partially horse from her recent bout of coughing and vomiting. "Just let it go. We'll help everyone more by defeating the Dark Kingdom once and for all."

Sailor Moon just looked back and forth between us a little longer. Her face was screaming 'please', but she made no move to force anything. After a brief silence where the only thing anyone heard was the continuing grim news reported by the anchor, her eyes dropped to the floor, tears in the corners of them as she let her transformation drop.

Honestly, she thinks she's hurting? Rei's upset? I understand what they're thinking. But there's something I wasn't saying to them.

It's my fault.

Sure, Kunzite was the one who did the actual killing… I know that. I'm not stupid. But he was reacting to a scenario I had cooked up for him.

Fourteen people were dead because I did something stupid.

It never really hit home until I simplified it like that…

Fourteen… Fourteen people, killed, by my own carelessness.

"GOD DAMMIT!" I snarled, scaring everyone as I lifted my good hand into a fist and smacked the table, making it go numb in the process. I had to fight to urge to breathe heavily myself considering the state my chest was in.

"What?" Luna was looking at me with shock written all over her face. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," I let my eyes drop to glare at the ground. "I'm just irritated…"

I swear that I saw Luna narrow her eyes from the corner of my vision, but she didn't say anything else about it. Instead, opting to change the topic.

"Your hands are shaking," she pointed out. "How's your blood sugar?"

"Blood Sugar?" Ami's voice jumped in, her head whipping around. "He's diabetic too?"

"No," I began, but didn't get very far.

"He needs to eat every four or five hours," Luna commented. "Or he starts to get these weird shakes, and he can't think straight…"

"He's hypoglycemic!" Ami realized. "Why didn't you say something sooner?"

"He said it wasn't very bad," the feline commented.

"They always down play it," Ami walked over and bent down to look me dead in the eyes as if searching for something.

"When was the last time you ate?" she asked.

"He hasn't been eating very well today," Luna continued for me, jumping up on the arm of the couch. "He's been sick so he couldn't keep breakfast down, and he barely touched lunch…"

"And Washu wants him to eat," Ami stood up straight and walked away.

"So he's tired," Makoto started counting off. "Injured, mal nourished, AND sick?"

The lightning Senshi laughed. A single scoff-like bark as she turned and pulled one of her sleeves up.

"I guess I could whip us all up something to eat. It's been a long day… How's curry sound? I can slap that together in no time."

"That sounds good," Ami nodded. "I need to get back to finding a way to brace his neck…"

Makoto nodded, rolling up her other sleeve as she wandered into the kitchen.

"I just remembered," Mamouru spoke up. "Try a towel. Wrap a towel around his neck, it's an old trick but it works."

Ami paused, thinking about that the formerly masked prince said. Then she nodded and made a bee-line for the bathroom.

"Yeah… I saw the bloke."

The use of English caught my attention. My eyes darted back to the screen where the news report was showing an interview with… I think... Yeah! That looked like that guy who tried to stop me in the park. The voice was a little confusing with a British or Australian echoing with the translator's Japanese dubbing, but it was definitely him.

"I saw him running across the parking lot at the Prince Tower, opposite everyone else. I thought he must be mad to go running headlong into what I'd seen. He had a shotgun, so I thought he might be security for one of the other embassies or something like that. Whatever he was wearing looked close enough to a uniform that I didn't think anything of it at the time. When I tried to stop him, he told me to worry about myself and run. I wasn't about to seriously try and stop a guy armed like that, so I let him go. About a minute later, there was that big explosion in the park. I'm not sure what exactly happened, but I swear for a second I thought someone had set off a nuke, it was so bright…"

"Did you manage to see his face?" the reporter asked.

"Well," the, I'm going to call him The Aussie, he sounds more Australian than British… The Aussie shook his head. "As I told the police, I didn't get a clear view of his face. But he was definitely American. I know how they sound."

"Do you think maybe he was part of an American Special Forces group?"

"I couldn't really tell you," The Aussie replied. "He might be, he might not be. I just hope the bloke's alive. He must have some story to tell."

Heh… If he only KNEW.

"Alright," Ami's voice announced. "Let's get this neck braced. Mamouru-san, could you help me?"

"Okay," the prince stood up and moved over to help Ami. Between the two of them, the towel turned into a neck brace in no time flat. I never realized you could use one like this. It's kind of clever really… Just roll it tight, wrap it firmly, and your head will more or less stay put. I say more or less because a towel's not perfect. But, compared to how much free motion had been hurting, it was kind of nice.

When the ice Senshi stood back to admire her handiwork, she blinked a few times.

"Wow," she commented at last. "Now that we can see it, you really do look all banged up."

"No kidding," I replied sarcastically. "I told you guys those power jumps were a bad idea…"

"My fault!" came a reply from the kitchen. "We've never had that kind of problem, ever… So I never really thought it could hurt you."

"Don't worry about it," I waved it away with my good hand. "It's not like universe hopping dopes are a common occurrence around here."

Of course, it's not out of the question...

"We'll get'cha better," Makoto replied. "You'll like what I'm fixing here. We'll get you fed, let those nanothingies do their job, and you'll be all fixed up in no time."

"Wish I could be that optimistic," I muttered, half to myself. "My next stop is a martial arts comedy worl-"

I blanched…

"Oh god," I continued. "I'm practically crippled and my next stop is a girl with the mentality of a bulldozer…"

"Oh!" Luna frowned. "Shampoo right? That's the one who turns into a cat when you splash her with cold water?"

Rei let out a sharp chirp of a laugh and quickly bottled it up. Her face was still puffy, but she didn't sound as bad as earlier.

"What?" I asked.

"Nothing," she tried to maintain a straight face. "But, who exactly names their child that? It sounds like a name right out of a manga."

No shit Sherlock…

I said nothing, opting instead to just stare at her.

"Oh," she blinked after a moment. "Right…"

"It certainly does sound funny," Luna nodded. "But that young lady is no laughing matter. I'm willing to bet she could take a youma all by herself. And her grandmother… That woman can put a person to sleep with a touch, she's really, REALLY good."

Luna paused for a moment, and then her ears perked up.

"I wonder if I can get her to teach me a few tricks like you had me do with Junpei," she continued.

"What do you mean?" I asked the feline. "Aren't you staying here?"

"Don't be absurd!" Luna snapped almost immediately. "We still have to recover that crystal, and as much as I'd like to just head home and take a nice long catnap, you need my help. So I'm going with you."

I opened my mouth to argue, but then shut it. Anyone who was even partially concerned for her would be trying to prevent her coming along because of how dangerous some situations were. But honestly, I didn't have a leg to stand on. If I screwed up, she's just as dead here as being with me. So yeah, Luna was right. End of Story.

So I didn't argue.

"Okay," I nodded. Luna just smiled.

"Here," Ami handed me a glass of water. "Doctor's orders."

"Thank you," I took the water and started to sip, then started downing it much faster. I was already much thirstier than expected.

"You also might want to look at the TV again," she commented.

I directed my attention to the television, where the news anchor had been replaced by what appeared to be a view of the city somewhere. Only it wasn't pouring down rain. There was a street with a wide intersection to the right, and a park area with a tow- OH.

OH!

I realized what it was just before a flash of lightning lit up the screen. A second flash appeared close to the first as the bolts tried to dance in the park. There were also small bursts of orange to accompany it.

"Wow," a distinctly male voice commented in English. "That's just amazing…"

"What's going on," another, female voice asked. More orange bolts and brilliant lightning strikes continued to rain down in the park. About one second after every bolt of lightning, the windows rattled from the thunderclap.

"I'm not sure," the male voice continued. "It's like the weather suddenly lost its mind. Look at that lightning."

"Did the forecast say anything about thunderstorms today?" the female voice asked.

"It wasn't supposed to be here for another hour at least," the male replied. "But this isn't any storm I've ever seen. Just look at it. It's all clumped together in the park over there lik-"

The camera went white, then static haywire.

"UAGH!" the male shouted through hissing in the audio. "MY-

'TOOM!' The sound was distorted, but it was clear enough to recognize as a loud boom against the glass of the building the video was being recorded in. Sounds of terrified screams could be heard through the distortion as the picture started to clear. However, though the static cleared up, the visuals were horribly distorted and poorly colored. From the looks of things, it seemed that the camera was now on the floor.

"-can't see!" The woman's voice broke through the static. "Honey! Where are you?"

"Here," the male's voice called. "I've got a good eye still! God damn! Are you okay?"

"What happened?"

"I don't know," the male continued. "I… I don't know. Was that a nuke? Did someone set off a nuke? My God… the PARK! Someone's blown up the park! Jesus Christ! Come on!"

The camera moved, though the distortions made it too difficult to make anything out.

"Camera's still working," the male continued, though now his voice was starting to sound more labored. "But the picture's trash… dammit. Come on honey. Let's get out of here. Right now, com o-"

The audio cut off, and the screen returned to the news anchor, whose Japanese jarred me for a second as he went back to reporting.

"That was footage taken from the lower observation deck of the Tokyo Tower by an American couple who were on vacation," he stated. "Shortly after the blast, reports of temporary blindness were among the most numerous of the injuries sustained around the Shiba Park area. Miraculously, no major injuries have been linked directly to it at this time. While rumors of a nuclear attack continue to spread throughout the area, authorities have stated that they have not detected any form of radioactive fallout. Just minutes ago, the Chief Cabinet Secretary Miyazawa Kiichi released this statement…"

The image cut to that of an official looking podium, an older Japanese man in a suit standing behind it harboring a look of grim determination.

"At this time," he began. "The nature of the explosion has yet to be fully determined. We can neither confirm, nor deny, any rumors that this explosion was nuclear in nature. While many witnesses reported effects consistent with that of a nuclear detonation, experts sent to the site have not detected any form of radiological contamination. Military advisors have also expressed to me, that the size of the blast, which was almost completely contained within' Shiba Park, was far below even the smallest known nuclear device. It is based on this information, that I ask you to remain calm, be patient, and cooperate with police and military forces."

There was a brief pause as he glanced at some notes on the podium.

"However, while the nature of the blast is still unknown, there is strong evidence that combative action has been taken by several parties. We do not know who it is, what, or why they did it. What we do know is that this incident has already cost the lives of a dozen of our own, and endangered countless more in the immediate Minato area. While it appears that the fighting has been halted for the time being, I urge residents to remain indoors and to be alert for any signs of suspicious activity. And to report it to the authorities so that they may take appropriate action."

Another pause, allowing for a few dozen camera flashes

"In order to help facilitate the emergency response effort going on in Roppongi, and to prevent chaos in the immediate area. An overnight curfew will be imposed for the Minato Ward. Effective immediately, all JR Lines in and out of Minato will be shut down until noon tomorrow. Tokyo Metro, and Toei Subway lines will also be on hold for all Minato stations. Sakurada Dori at Gaienhigashi Dori will be closed until noon. Hibiya Dori at Shiba Park will be closed until further notice pending a full investigation of the Shiba Park blast. The C1 Toshin Loop will reopen at seven AM. However, commuters are urged to find alternate routes. For those living or working in the areas affected by these closures, I urge you to stay put. If you are at home, stay at home. If you are at work, stay there. Give emergency crews the space they need to do their jobs. Transportation will begin resuming operations in Minato starting at twelve noon tomorrow as permitted. Military forces may continue to patrol the area along side police until it is determined safe to recall them. I urge everyone to cooperate fully with them until that time so as to help speed up the pending investigation."

Miyazawa paused a third time, looking up from his notes.

"The incident that occurred in Minato has been frightening. However, I am confident that with everyone's cooperation, we can get through this crisis and bring those responsible to justice. Thank you."

The video cut back to the anchor.

"The curfew will be in effect until seven AM," he began. "Violators in the Minato area will be detained and questioned by authorities. Parents whose children may be out are urged to be understanding of the situation. Children are also urged to contact their parents as soon as possible-"

"I better call mom," Usagi suddenly voiced up. There was this strange tone in her voice. "She's probably worried sick. And there's no telling what Dad's going to be like..."

"Just make sure you tell her we're all at Makoto's studying," Ami added.

Usagi paused, but said nothing and made her way over to the telephone.

"I still can't believe that fight stirred up so much trouble," Makoto's voice commented from the kitchen. "After all the stuff that's happened, we haven't had so much as a newspaper article, let alone made national television..."

"Well, you've never blown up a park before," Mamouru commented, just a hint of irony in his voice. "And honestly, those fights never got that out of control."

"Come to think of it," Ami cut in. "We've never really had a fight that BIG with any of them before. Jadeite came close, but even then, that was in an empty area at the airport. Its like they haven't been taking us seriously at all."

"They haven't," Rei commented. "And rightly so. After seeing what I could do today... They've been treating us like minor annoyances. If they really thought we were a threat, any one of them could have gone all out like Kunzite did today."

There was a collective silence as that sank in.

"But why haven't they?" Makoto asked. "You'd figure after beating two generals, they'd have stepped things up."

Isn't it obvious?

"Because they don't want to blow their cover," I joined the conversation. "Think about it. They have all this power, but have a devil of a time just dealing with you guys when you're playing at guessing what to do. If the world's military caught on..."

"That's why they want the crystals," Luna cut me off. "That's why they want life force energy. They can't win conventionally. There just aren't enough of them who can take the field to challenge a mobilized military force."

"So they want a super weapon so they can take us all out in one shot," Mercury frowned. "That's why they're so power obsessed."

Luna nodded.

"Hey," Makoto piped up. "Maybe... Maybe if we can draw them out into the open, we can get the military to take them out!"

"Yeah," Rei agreed. "We force the Dark Kingdom into the open, and let the military handle the rest."

"And when they go down," Ami frowned. "They take hundreds or thousands with them. Kunzite just took the firepower equivalent to a two hundred and thirty-kilogram bomb. AFTER we exhausted him. And he survived. How many people got hurt or killed in that fight? If they know they're going down, and decide they want to try and take as many people as they can with them when they do... how many do you think they're going to kill?"

Rei squeezed her eyes shut and turned away.

"We have to take him out DECISIVELY," Ami continued. "I just don't know how. Hitting him that hard is an order of magnitude beyond anything I've ever seen."

Ami's talk of strategy got me thinking. The asshole tanked five hundred pound equivalent explosive power. He tanked it after being exhausted from fighting out-numbered. But he was in such a sorry state... if it had been just a little bit more.

What if, instead of the five hundred-pound bomb, he got hit with a thousand pounds? Like a thousand-pound JDAM? That's twice the boom; it would have probably smeared him. But he was weakened... If he was at full strength, it's possible he could shrug that off. Double it again? Two thousand pound bomb?

But where would I get a two-thousand-pound bomb, let alone a JDAM in nineteen ninety-one? I can't just walk into the nearest military base and ask for that. I know Washu won't give it to me, and I doubt Ritsuko keeps THAT MUCH ordinance inside Mike...

I could try to trick the military into bringing a bomber to bear on a pre-planned target. But let's get realistic, there's no fucking way in hell I could pull off that level of planning. I couldn't get that pulled off in real life, let alone a universe where it's practically a law of physics to screw plans up.

Usagi suddenly slammed the phone down in frustration.

"What's wrong?" Luna asked.

"I can't get through," she looked down at the floor. "The phones are jammed."

"Keep trying," the feline advised. "You'll get through eventually."

Usagi looked up and nodded before picking the phone back up and dialing again.

I relaxed into the chair I was in and stared straight ahead. There had to be SOME way to get my hands on enough explosive power to drop a building on Kunzite. If random psychopaths back home can come up with ways to-

Of course! I just need to- Ah... DAMMIT!

"Hey Ami?" I began.

"Yes?" she turned.

"Can you set that computer of yours to English?" I asked.

The Senshi blinked, surprised at what I was asking.

"Ye-yeah," she continued. "I found I can put it in French, Dutch, German, and several other languages. English too... Why?"

"Can it get on the internet?" I asked.

"Uh..." she began. "I've never really tried that before. I can intercept signals, transmit signals... It can process information really fast... But-"

"It can transmit and receive?" I asked.

"Yeah," she nodded. "I was intercepting encrypted military broadcasts earlier. That's how I knew what the jets were doing..."

It can break military encryptions? Wow… That's no mean feat.

Respect for boring looking computer: Rising.

"Get on the net for me then," I stated. "See if you can get me to a search engine. I want to look something up."

At least, I hope I can look something up. This is nineteen ninety-one, not twenty-ten. The internet is a shallow proto-husk of its future self.

The young girl nodded and brought her computer out, fiddle-farting around with it for several minutes as I turned my eyes back to the now repeating newscast. Usagi continued to fight with the phone.

"Got it," Ami nodded at last. "The phones are so jammed I had to use an alternate path. There are some dedicated military transmission bands that are always active. I've looked at them before... Usually just some text from time to time... But they connect to the internet."

She knows about flash traffic? Girl's been playing around.

"Can they trace this?" I asked. I don't want the military tracking us down...

"They won't even know someone's connected beyond a slowdown," the Senshi grinned. "And even that's all but invisible in this weather."

Plus Two Respect for magic computer...

It didn't take long. With the internet being more or less in its infancy, it was actually easier despite the connection being slower than molasses to find the relevant info without the billions of gigs of useless junk that had since cluttered it. Still, I had to get a bit creative with the search system, and Ami had to make her computer assist. In this manner, I was starting to miss Google, and Wikipedia. But if Umino can find random Sailor V posters on the Net, I can find more relevant things.

My notebook came out... Mamouru seemed a bit surprised by the hole, but relaxed after Ami explained it to him. For what I wanted to do, I needed to know a few things, so I had to write the proportions down and then make a calculator estimate.

"So what are you doing?" Rei asked.

"Science," I commented, taking my sheet of paper and folding it up. A glance at her noted she was a bit too curious. I didn't want interference. This could work... Assuming I don't let anyone start getting ideas to try and 'help'. If everyone starts planning, then we run the risk of plans screwing up plans, screwing up plans... That's why I'd burned that note back when I was making my Motoko plan. Nobody is to know anything, otherwise they start trying to 'adjust' things, thinking they're making 'improvements'... Hilarity ensues shortly thereafter. Followed by pain.

Pain hurts… Much like my hand did. Much like my ribs and neck do now.

My hand went into my pocket to stuff the note away, and I realized about that moment that I'd forgotten something.

"Oh," I continued, pulling a familiar pen-like object out. "By the way... "

I thumbed it once, depositing a BB-sized pellet into my hand.

"Washu's having me drop these wherever I go," I continued. "They're little beacons she's using to record data on my jumps."

I reached out and placed the tiny pellet into the younger Hino's hand.

"Put it somewhere safe," I continued. "Near your bed so Washu can get the most accurate reading."

Rei looked down at the tiny pellet, her mouth open in confusion.

"She's trying to figure out why he jumps to YOU," Luna cut in. "It needs to be where he shows up."

Rei glanced at Luna, then nodded, closing her hand on the pellet.

"Yeah, mom?" Usagi's voice piped up. "Yeah. I'm okay. Yeah, we're at Mako-chan's. I've seen the news… Okay, I will. Love you too, bye."

The princess hung up the phone.

"Well," Luna tilted her head to the side. "That didn't take long."

"What did you expect?" Usagi gave a weak smile to her feline friend.

Luna just gave a human-like shrug and turned back to me. Her eyes narrowed for a second, and she gave a sidelong glance at Usagi.

Yeah, something's wrong with her. And it doesn't take an idiot to figure it out. Nine out of ten brain cells says it's the same thing that's bothering everyone else here… That newscast.

"Okay," Makoto signaled from the kitchen. "Everybody wash up, I'm almost done."

"What are we eating?" Ami asked.

"I told you already," Makoto replied. "It's curry. Just something quick and easy."

"It's not spicy curry is it?" the ice Senshi continued. "If his stomach has been upset, that might not-"

"Not spicy at all," Makoto chided. "I know how an upset stomach can get. This is a nice, mild curry."

At that moment, everyone stood up and started making bee lines towards the nearest sink. The girls went first, some unspoken agreement floating in the air that made both Mamouru and me hang back for the sake of courtesy. Once the girls finished, we took our turn. For a moment, it was just him and me, the perfect opportunity.

"Hey," I began quietly while he was rinsing his hands. "Think you can do me a favor?"

Chiba turned, shutting the sink off in the process.

"What is it?" he began.

I froze for a moment, then quickly reached out and yanked the knob, turning the water back on. The prince just blinked in confusion until I raised a finger up to my lips, indicating 'quiet'.

Nodding in understanding, he reached out and pushed the door so it swung almost closed.

"I need you to deliver this for me," I continued quietly, pulling the note I'd written down earlier. "As soon as you can, get it to Rei's grandfather."

"What is it?" he asked, eying it curiously.

"Don't worry about that," I stated in slightly stronger tone. "If something about this goes wrong, you'll be better off knowing nothing about it."

Chiba hesitated, then gently reached out and took the folded paper.

"Why not have Rei do it?" he asked, indicating the other room.

"Because I don't want her to know either," I replied. "I don't want any of them to know. And He doesn't want them to know either. So get this note to him, don't let Rei find out. And if he asks, tell him the Egg Man sent it. He'll understand."

Chiba nodded, stuffing the sheet of paper into his pocket.

"This too," I popped open my pocket and fished my gold bag out. After a few seconds, I dropped three coins into his hand. "That should be more than enough to cover the expenses. Anything extra, he can keep, got it?"

"Got it," he replied quietly.

"And DON'T forget," I emphasized. "If we want to take out kunzite, Hino needs that."

The prince nodded again. "I'll get it to hi-"

"HEY!" Rei's voice approached the door. In response, I turned and stuck one hand in the water while stuffing the gold bag into a pants pocket, acting as if I had been washing the whole time. Chiba stuck his hand into the towel he'd been using.

"What's taking you two so long?" she asked, some edge returning to her voice. "And people say girls take too long?"

Rei pushed the door open with her foot and glared at us across the mirror.

"Come on prince charming," she grabbed Mamouru by the shoulder and pulled him around. "Your princess wants some attention. Go give her some."

After a second, she turned back around, a slightly regretful look on her face before she hardened it and walked over to me.

"And you need to EAT," she chided. "Come on, hurry up."

Rei quickly latched onto my (thankfully) good arm and gave a tug. I had little choice in this shape but to let myself be hauled away from the sink. I only barely just managed to shut the water off before I was out of reach.

"Alright!" Makoto smirked as I was hauled into the main room. "Time to eat. I've got more water ready for you as well, so just sit down and let me take care of this."

"Right here," Rei directed me to what I guess was now my spot.

There was a pop, and Luna plopped into a spot along side me, smirking as she did so. The group just stared.

"What?" she asked. "Am I not allowed to eat? I get hungry too you know."

Senbei landed on the table a moment later and wandered over to a small loose plate where he sat down.

"She eats even more in that form too," he informed them, earning a sharp glare from the felis sapien. "In contrast, you will find that I require only a small tribute to satisfy."

"What's he mean that she eats even more?" Mercury blinked.

"It takes a lot more energy for Luna to run her humanoid form," I answered. "She's probably starving, and she ate two meals at lunch.

"Whoa…" Makoto looked down at the rice pot she was dishing out, then back up again. "If that's true… I might need to make another batch.

"Wait and see if you need to first," Ami suggested. "I'm not really all that hungry myself.

"Neither am I," Mamouru admitted. "I actually had something to eat right before that fight started."

Makoto made a face as if to mull it over, then proceeded to dish out the food to those who were seated. Rei sat down across from me, while Usagi plopped down over on the right, still unusually quiet.

After serving everyone, Makoto sat down on her end.

"ITADAKIMASU!" the group crowed, honestly catching me off guard. Rei just rolled her eyes at my reaction.

The curry smelled good; Junpei would be jealous. But even now, my appetite just wasn't picking up. Whatever had made me sick from that water yesterday still had my stomach in its grip. But I was able to keep a few bites of burger and some fries down at lunch… And if I didn't eat… Well, let's not go there.

I forced myself to eat, relying on my taste buds to override my appetite. It worked, sorta'. Unable to turn my head, I found that actually getting my food from my plate to my mouth was a bit of a challenge. I couldn't even look down at my plate correctly to even see it, which made for very slow going.

I wasn't the only one having trouble with their plate either. Usagi, for all her gusto when it came to food, seemed to be eating more as an afterthought, her eyes glazed as if her mind were a million miles away. It didn't take long for the others to notice.

"Hey," Rei poked her friend. "You okay dumpling head?"

The princess' eyes came back into focus as she looked up.

"Yeah…" she sighed. "I'm just upset I can't help those people…"

"Don't worry," the fire Senshi responded. "We'll pay them back… Somehow."

"Yeah," Usagi nodded, her eyes starting to glaze over again. "Somehow…"

There was silence for several minutes, broken only by an errant crack of thunder that Usagi didn't even seem to notice. It was so unnaturally quiet that part of me wanted to crack a joke of some kind just to break the somber mood. It was almost depressing.

Thankfully, I didn't have to try and murder them with my terrible morbid humor when Usagi suddenly sat up straight, slamming her fist on the table.

"NO!" she snapped, making everyone jump. (Including myself, which was as painful as you could expect.) "I won't HAVE IT!"

"Whoa whoa," Makoto waved her arms in the air. "Time out, have what?"

"First," Usagi glared daggers across the table. "They toy with people's lives and treat them like CATTLE to feed… whatever it is they feed. Then, they hurt my best friend Naru-chan just to get at me, and then kill Nephrite when he just wanted to leave. Now they're just going to murder and hurt people as they see fit?"

If it were possible for Usagi to look any more self righteous than she already did, the strange cross of sad and angry on her face took it to a whole new level. It had that same look that could curdle fresh milk Belldandy had sported for just a few scary moments.

"I won't STAND for that!" she snapped, I could see a tear running down her face that she quickly brushed away. "Not any more, not this time. I don't want to see anyone else get hurt."

Usagi squeezed her eyes shut for a second and took a shuddering breath, then opened them a fresh 'Belldandy-glare' coming down the table.

"Ami," she continued. "Do you still have that book by that Sue guy?"

"Sue?" Ami blinked. "Uh…-"

"The one about war art or whatever it was," the princess reiterated.

"Wait," Ami's face betrayed her disbelieve. "Sun Tzu's: The Art of War?"

"Yeah, that one!" Usagi nodded. "Do you still have it?"

"Yes," Ami continued to look thunderstruck at her friend. "Why."

"I want it."

Silence…

"Usagi," Rei began. "That book is a little-"

"Silence Mars," Usagi snapped without so much as turning her head. Rei snapped her mouth shut with an audible click. The tone in Usagi's voice was enough to make me stop fighting with my own food. Either I'm hearing things, or in the last two minutes, Usagi just grew the biggest pair of brass ones…

"Ami," Usagi continued, her breath was coming out slightly labored. "Can I have that book?"

"What are you planning to do?" the bookworm asked. "I offered that book before and you couldn't even get past the table of contents."

"I'm going to learn about what the dark kingdom is doing," Usagi frowned. "And then I'm going to return the favor…"

"You're going to declare WAR on them?" Makoto's eyes would have bugged out if they could.

"Don't be a dummy!" Rei jumped to her feet.

"MARS," Usagi's tone had a level of 'Don't Fuck With Me' I'd never heard out of her before. Instinctively, I did my best to hunch down and resume eating.

"I'm not going to be quiet," the fire Senshi replied. "You're over reacting to this situation and-"

"REI, DROP IT!" Luna snapped in a regal tone from next to me. "Do NOT argue with the princess."

Rei froze, her mouth working for a rebuttal. She'd probably never been scolded by Luna like that, ever. Her eyes met mine, and the best I could do was screw my face up in a way that said 'sit down, it's safer there'.

"You will not change her mind," Luna continued. "Not like this… I remember this."

"What?" Makoto looked back and forth between them. "What are you-"

"I've seen that look before," Luna glanced at the thunder Senshi. "She looks just like her mother when she made up her mind. Just like Serenity. Just drop it."

My eyes did their best to glance around despite my immobile neck. I felt like I'd suddenly been thrust into a situation that I was at best, completely at its mercy… Despite the fact that it was just a group of fourteen year old girls. I wasn't alone. Chiba seemed to have found a spot in the corner of the room to retreat to and seemed to be trying to find a way not to draw attention to himself.

"So," Usagi continued, letting disarming smile typical of her normal temperament cross her features. "Can you bring me that book Ami-Chan?"

"Uh…" Ami looked around, unsure of how to respond. Nobody said anything. "Sure. Usagi… chan."

"Thank you Ami-Chan!" Usagi all but bubbled. That was a little more like it. Serious Usagi really is creepy after all. I don't think I like it.

"Ne…" Luna began. "Are you really planning to go to WAR with the Dark Kingdom?"

Usagi's smile dropped. Dammit Luna! As much as I want Usagi to take things seriously as you do, I do not like this… Not one bit. Don't make her have that face!

"No," Usagi pouted. "Soldiers make war… I'm not a soldier."

I thought that's what a Senshi was… A soldier, you know, of love and justice? Just what is she-?

"I am Sailor Moon," she glared that Belldandy look at us again. "I am a white mage. White mages do not make war, we love… We tolerate."

"Then what are-" Rei began, but Usagi cut her off with a glare so cold that could have put the sun out.

"I am going to LOVE… and TOLERATE, the SHIT out of them."

…

Usagi smiled again, and attacked her curry with her normal gusto.


	25. Out Patience

* * *

**Chapter twenty five: Out Patience**

_"I got a feeling you and me are gonna to get along just fine… Buddy."_

_\- Larry Faulk 'Solo Wing Pixy', Ace Combat Zero_

* * *

 

It's important to note that the more you tear your body up, the nastier its revenge is later. You know. Exercise really hard one day, and you're sore for the next five. Push it to the limit, and you pay for it like a shady loan shark with criminally jacked up interest rates.

I kind of expected it after the abuse I had put myself through in the last personal twenty-four hours. Sick, poor appetite, chemical stimula- fuck I'll just call it what it is: Drugs. And then the vicious physical pounding I took.

After that kind of brutality, you think my body was just going to let me walk away from that without consequence?

Well, let me put one debate to rest.

I'm not even sure I can WALK at the moment.

Waking up in Shampoo's bed was like realizing that your entire body had been imported directly into Verdi's anvil chorus… As the anvil.

I guess it's a credit to Luna's diplomatic skill that I was allowed to sleep as long as I did, because the first thing I noticed after realizing that existence was pain, and pain was existence, was daylight.

Daylight meant that I had at least a minimum three hours of sleep. Which honestly isn't enough at this point to do jack for my mental health, but any sleep is good sleep. I just wish I could get more of it.

The second thing I noticed upon realizing that I actually had rest, was that I couldn't move.

It wasn't a restrained or paralyzed kind of 'can't move', thankfully. It was more that my muscles seemed to refuse to provide the required power to get beyond the sensation of tensing up. I could feel myself trying to move, but movement did not come as desired.

And with every attempt, that pulling, rolling sensation that was a bizarre cross between a wonderful stretch, and searing pain struck me.

I realized that since my body had taken such massive punishment, I'd become impossibly stiff while I was resting.

Now, you'd figure that with all the healing Washu's nanomachines can do, I'd be feeling a lot better than the night before. But, honestly, I think they were making it WORSE. Oh sure, I was probably healing at an absurd rate, but the lactic acid and lord only knows what ever else was coming out of those healing processes only have one method of exit from my body.

Barring that method, those chemicals stay put.

I'm seriously concerned about whether or not I should attempt that training from hell stuff. If this is what it's going to end up feeling like, I'm not sure if I could take it.

"Is awake yet?" an annoyed tone asked.

"Hush child," a far more raspy voice returned. "You know the extent of his injuries from what she told us."

"But is in my bed," the first voice replied. "I tired from waking early."

"Then lay down and go back to sleep," the first asked. "He's not stopping you."

"I only sleep in bed with Ranma," the second voice, obviously Shampoo with that dialect, responded. "This man not husband, just crazy cat man."

Definitely Shampoo…

"He's not all that crazy," it was Luna. "A little exhausted and paranoid, but hardly crazy."

"I no care," Shampoo came back. "It my bed."

"Actually its Mousse's bed," the elder voice commented, must be Cologne. "You broke yours."

"I only smashing intruder," the younger one argued back.

"I understand Granddaughter," Cologne's tone remained neutral. "However you must learn that you do not have to solve all your problems by smashing them."

"But you taught me to smash obstacles great grandmoth-"

"THWOCK!"

"I taught you how to apply force to those obstacles that needed it," the elder's tone had suddenly become condescending. "Wanton destruction and mindless violence serve no purpose but to take a small mess, and make it a large mess. I taught you how to make the most use of your aggression, but not to solve all your problems with it. This young man could have been dealt with using finesse and tact the way he was acting last week. Yet you chose aggression, and lost in a very undignified exceptionally and embarrassing manner you NEVER should have. Were you not already betrothed to son-in-law, I'm sure that becoming this young man's wife would have been a punishment befitting your foolishness."

I could hear Shampoo audibly choke/squeak at the implications of what had just been said; though part of me wanted to take it as an insult. I mean, I might not be the ideal manprize Shampoo's after, but I wouldn't call being my wife punishment.

…

You know what? That was just wrong. So I'm going to NOT think about that.

"I apologize great grandmother."

"Very good," the elder was probably nodding. "And to answer your question…"

Something jabbed me in the rib just above the kidney where my suit was less reinforced. Instantly my body jerked in place and I hissed a pained breath.

"He's been awake for two minutes listening," Cologne's voice continued.

Then the hag's face came into view.

"Good morning," she began. "I trust you slept well?"

I opened my mouth to speak, but found it a lot harder than expected. My throat was dry, and I realized I was very, very thirsty. So it came out as little more than a hoarse crackle.

"Ah," the crone nodded as if understanding. "A little dry under the tongue. But no matter... Time to wake up. You've gotten the required six hours of sleep a healthy mind needs this time around. However, you have an appointment, so you can't dawdle anymore."

Appointment?

"Ap…" I ended up choking on a dry throat and some leftover nighttime congestion. It had a slightly copper flavor to it that I remembered was the result of my lungs almost being pulverized. "App-"

I tried to start sitting up, but that wasn't going anywhere fast between deathly painful ribs and general soreness.

"Hmm…" Cologne backed out of my view. "Help him sit up. And Shampoo, be wary of his neck."

After a moment, two sets of hands gave me the assistance I needed. My body protested and I groaned audibly until I was upright, my head and neck braced all the way up.

Soon as I was up, the headache came on, causing me to squint and suck more air through my teeth.

"A pretty sorry state that's for sure," Cologne was a few feet away, balancing on her ugly stick. "But the sooner we get you moving the better."

I found myself being offered a glass of water, Luna on the other end smiling cutely in her human form, now wearing that hello kitty shirt I got her the day before. Taking the glass, I began to drink eagerly and ended up downing it as fast as I could without tilting my head back.

As soon as I finished it with a refreshed gasp, I tried to speak again.

"Appointment?" was the question I'd been going for.

"Luna explained what's been going on to me while you were asleep," Cologne nodded at the catgirl. "This talk about other worlds intrigues me. However, most pressing were the injuries you've received. So I went ahead and called Doctor Tofu to arrange an appointment for you. While you may be healing fast, you are far too injured to simply wait it out."

While Cologne was talking, I noticed another glass being offered. This one from Shampoo, who seemed to eye it with some level of distrust. She also had this tired, impatient look to her before I finally handed the empty glass to Luna and took the full one.

As soon as I downed that one, I handed it back to Shampoo and started working my way off the bed. Of minor note, was the pillow where my head had been, now soaked with sweat.

Standing was only slightly easier than sitting up. I was still sore, but it seemed my legs had escaped the worst of yesterday's 'fun'. The hard part was resisting the temptation to fight the towel wrapped around my neck and turn my head.

Once I was up, things got a little easier.

Emphasis: 'Little'.

"Oh, I'm stiff," I groaned as Luna propped me up. "Man, that critter beat me up more than we thought."

"At least you can stand," Cologne nodded from the door. "Now come, this place smells like a locker room from your sweat. I must fetch Mousse to clean it, but I want you out of here before then. His actions are quick, but his wit is slow. And I do not trust him to correctly distinguish between the sweat of the injured, and the sweat of the passionate. Your life would be forfeit in his eyes, and not even I would be able to stop everything at once."

If I could cringe in this state, I would, but I definitely felt Luna stiffen a bit under my arm.

"Great Grandmother," Shampoo suddenly spoke up in indignation. "What you imply?"

"I imply nothing," the elder stated in an even tone, but turned and pointed. "However, those sheets imply many falsehoods when read by the blind. And as we all know, Mousse is as blind as they come."

"You right," Shampoo made a face none too polite. "He dumb as blind."

Cologne nodded an affirmative and turned for the stairs. Part of the way there, I made to break off for the bathroom, but the crone stopped and interrupted me with her stick.

"Not now," she instructed.

"But," I didn't want to say it outright. "I've got to GO."

"Hold it until you get to Doctor Tofu's clinic," the crone continued. "His instructions, not mine."

Of all the… I've been asleep for six hours! After drinking extra water! And I just DRANK more water!

"If it bothers you that much," Cologne commented idly at what was no doubt a very displeased look on my face. "Then I suggest you move faster. Your body is broken, but your legs are fine."

"Eeeghhh…" I growled in irritation. There was a chirpy giggle from Shampoo, which made me REALLY want to turn my head and shoot her a glare. Of course, that wasn't going to happen.

The restaurant itself was empty. Apparently despite being mid-morning on a weekday... I think it was a weekday. The date was meaningless to me anymore.

Despite the time, it seemed Cologne had closed for the day. Whether that was a result of my appearance or not I could only guess at. However the fact remained that there was nobody there to watch as I almost made a fool of myself, waddling rigidly down the stairs.

I was kind of glad. No prying eyes to investigate the newcomer. The possibility of having to answer a dozen 'What happened to you?' questions was not one thing I think I could keep my patience for. Especially with this headache...

I honestly didn't think I could feel worse than yesterday. Squeezing my eyes shut, I rubbed my head where the throbbing was.

"Shampoo," Cologne began suddenly, and sharply. The younger warrior quickly stepped forward as if she were a soldier being called to attention.

"While I have the sleeping arrangements dealt with," the elder informed her great granddaughter, "I want you to escort these two over to the clinic. I doubt either of them knows the way."

"Yes great grandmother," Shampoo replied in a firm, but obedient tone. "I get them there."

"ALSO," the crone continued in a more commanding tone just as Shampoo hastily turned toward the door. Shampoo turned around again, just barely hiding a look of irritation.

"I have a challenge for you," Cologne continued. "Think you can handle it?"

"I handle any challenge," Shampoo's tone turned to indignation. "I squash flat."

The old crone just stood there, allowing Shampoo's comment to hang for a moment. If I weren't so god-awfully distracted by my general discomfort, I probably would have noticed it.

"Very well," Cologne finally nodded. "You are to care to, and provide for the needs of this young man for the remainder of the day."

There was a brief silence where I swear I could hear the gears in Shampoo's head turning. Though it turns out, that was just the pounding of my headache, but still…

"WHAT?" the Chinese girl asked.

Cologne made a motion to me with her stick.

"I want you to assist Luna in caring for his injuries and needs," she instructed. "It would be good for you to learn how to be a little more gentle. Taking care of this young man is the perfect practice. So you're going to care for him and make sure he's okay as if he were your own husband."

Shampoo's eyes got large at the last statement.

"But…" she began, casting a quick glance my way. "But…"

Cologne just kept her gaze even while her granddaughter tried to voice an objection. I thought she was going to give up for a moment, when suddenly she exploded into an incoherent string of words I thought for just a moment were nothing but angry gibberish.

Then I realized there was a certain rhythm to the mess of sounds I was hearing when Cologne interrupted in seemingly random chitters of her own. After a moment, it clicked. They were talking in Chinese. Having come to understand spoken Japanese to the point I almost didn't notice when I'd swap between it and English, I'd become rather used to understanding everyone without fault. With the two Joketsuzoku before me exchanging a series of rather sharp statements at lightning fast speed, it was De-Ja-Vu.

Shampoo motioned at me a few times in the process, her words seeming to come angrier and angrier. Cologne responded in what sounded like a more level, but increasingly forceful tone that caused Shampoo to gape for a moment before protesting noisily some more.

I did my best to turn to Luna, who just looked back and shrugged.

'CRACK!'

We almost jumped when the crone suddenly knocked her granddaughter upside the noggin with her ugly stick. Shampoo grabbed her head in pain, vocally expressing her discomfort with a series of sucked in hisses. Cologne waived her stick around threateningly as she took the opportunity to berate her descendant. Several times she made a series of sharp, pointing gestures while speaking in rhythm that seemed to be some kind of list. Then suddenly she twirled it, grabbed it by the middle, and planted it firmly in the floor hard enough to make a 'thwock!' noise. Then she just stood there looking all the world like she just told her granddaughter how things were going to be.

Shampoo said nothing, but the look on her face… Her eyes were wide and I think she'd lost a bit of color. It was hard to tell. But the younger warrior quickly stood up rigidly after a moment and bowed to her grandmother speaking something I had yet to decipher. I expect it was an apology the way she was acting.

"Very good," the crone continued. Then she turned to me.

"What was that all about?" I asked reflexively.

"Oh just a minor disagreement," Cologne's voice seemed almost nonchalant. "But she won't trouble you. Or else."

Cologne left it at that, Shampoo biting her lip next to me looking like the threat had more weight to it than I actually knew.

"Now go," Cologne pointed at the door. "Before you make a mess all over my restaurant."

"Don't have to tell me twice," I turned to make for the door. A moment later, I almost buckled over when Shampoo latched herself on to my sore arm and gave a tug.

"We go!" she chirped. "Yes?"

Then she quickly jumped back when she heard me groaning.

"I sorry!" she all but yelped.

"What was?" Luna began. "What was that about? Why'd she do that?"

"Ditto…" I groaned massaging a still sore shoulder. Shampoo bit her lip again, glancing at her grandmother, who was shaking her head silently.

"I told her to treat this like a date," the crone began.

DATE?

"A DATE?" Luna asked in shock.

"A training date of sorts," Cologne nodded. "If its not too much trouble of course."

"You-" I stopped and hissed again at the throbbing in my shoulder, which was now forcing my headache to reassert itself. "You realize your granddaughter takes things literally, right?"

"That's what I'm counting on," the elder smirked. "If she can treat you with gentle loving kindness, then she passes. If not…"

Another warning glance at her granddaughter, who flinched.

"If it's okay with you of course," she continued. "In your state, I wouldn't be surprised if you declined. I'd just have to find another. Though finding someone who is as… Intuitive about my granddaughter as yourself would be troublesome."

I sighed. Just the description alone screams 'trouble' in all kinds of rule-of-funny ways.

"You know," I began. "All things considered, what you're asking is kind of awkward and complicated in ways you won't under-"

"We'll do it," Luna interrupted me. I started to turn my head but was reminded just in time by the pressure of the towel wrapped around my neck that could very much hurt.

"Lu-OW! -" I winced. "Luna, what are you-"

"On one condition," she held up a hand to silence me.

"Oh?" Cologne raised an eyebrow.

"When we're done here," Luna continued. "We'd like one of those magical Chinese trinkets as payment."

Cologne remained silent for a moment. It was long enough for me to jump in.

"What are you trying to do?" I asked.

"I'm here to help you," Luna turned to me with an almost sad smile.

"By pissing them off?" I asked. "You don't just ask for their secret magical treasures… That whole... secret thing. They're kinda' touchy about it."

"By negotiating," Luna advised. "You're a bit awkward at it, but this is the kind of thing I was taught to do. Let me do my job."

I wonder how many times I'm going to sigh today.

"So what do you say?" Luna turned back to Cologne, who'd silently watched the exchange. "You didn't help us for free, so we'd like to be compensated in return for helping you."

Cologne just stood there silently for a moment. Honestly, I was hoping they'd get this solved one way or another soon. I'd like to make my bladder gladder, and we still had to walk an unspecified distance.

The hag glanced at me, then back to Luna, a wry smirk sprouting on her features.

"Very well," she nodded. "Consider it a deal. Though Shampoo must pass my criteria to earn that."

"I hope these criteria aren't too strict," Luna crossed her arms. "This isn't some simple lesson we can just teach."

"Don't worry," Cologne nodded. "I have done many underhanded things, but I do not make unfair deals. I'll speak with them both this evening. And if I'm satisfied, I'll give you something magical. But nothing dangerous."

"Of course," Luna nodded, then turned to me.

"Good enough for you?" she asked.

"Fine," I reached up and lifted my glasses to pinch the bridge of my nose. My headache was making like a rolling pin, traveling back to front to back in waves. And pulsing... "Just- can we just GO?"

Cologne nodded silently to Shampoo, who approached me this time, a little slower and reached for my arm.

"Other arm," I added another sigh to my list, raising my good arm.

Shampoo just kept a neutral face as she wandered around and locked on, then began to guide me out of the store. Luna quickly fell into step on my right, but forewent any attempts to grab the sore arm.

Behind us, I imagine as soon as that door closed, Cologne was probably cackling at whatever scheme she'd just roped me into.

We walked to a corner, rounding it before the purple-haired warrior opted to loosen up a little. Her falsetto smile was replaced by a look of indignance.

"I perfectly nice," she began to complain now that the threat of getting her skull split open was gone. "I not try to kill you this time. I even let you sleep in bed. Why great grandmother so upset?"

I know why…

"Because you have all the tact and subtlety of a train-wreck," I spoke in English as I rolled my eyes.

"What you say?"

"Nothing," I sighed. "Nothing important."

Then again, that's what made Shampoo entertaining to me. She was a cute little Chinese wrecking ball. Anything that got in the way of her goals, she did her best to flatten. Luckily for most people, a martial arts romantic comedy setting like this had plenty of opponents to keep her in check. Given her propensity for knocking down walls just to make an entrance, she'd be a walking disaster area in under a week otherwise.

Honestly though, I didn't really care at the moment.

"So Luna," I began. "What did you just do?"

"What, you mean you forgot already?" Luna asked.

"I must have," another sigh. "Otherwise I'd remember it."

"You made a deal with Kitsune to bring her a Chinese trinket," Luna explained. "Remember?"

I… Oh… THAT. DUH! Blasted concussion…

"Obviously this whole mess made you forget about that," Luna continued. "I remembered it while I was explaining the situation to Cologne. I also remembered a few other things you may have forgotten in the last few days."

"So what exactly happened this morning?" I asked. "I know for ONCE I got at least SOME kind of sleep.

"Not much surprisingly," Luna replied. "I managed to wake them before she could find you first and over react like last time. Then we just talked for a few hours until it was time to wake you."

"What did you tell her?" I asked.

"I explained what was going on," the catgirl advised. "How we're showing up where we are, why we're showing up, and some of the things that's happened so far. We spent a while just talking."

"You didn't spend the entire time in your human form did you?" I immediately felt a touch of worry for the Feline, considering how much energy she burned through like that.

"What?" Luna blinked. "No, of course not. That would be a total waste. I only switched to my human form right before we came back up stairs."

"Good," I replied curtly. "I'm smashed up horribly as it is. I'd hate to try and explain you to either a doctor or a vet."

Luna scoffed, just barely coming out as a laugh after she thought about it for a second.

"What you talking about?" Shampoo asked in a slightly forceful tone.

"How much have you told Shampoo?" the warrior's question made me curious.

"Honestly," Luna sighed. "Not much. She didn't really feel like listening to 'a silly story', as she put it."

"I no care about stupid story," Shampoo admitted in an aggravated tone. "It just distraction."

"Well you better START caring," I found myself snapping back. The foul mood she had was contagious when her tone was combined with my headache. It made me highly irritable. "Because knowing your grandmother, that's the whole point of this exercise. And if you so much as piss me off, all I have to do is say the word and its game over. Capice?"

Shampoo winced. I could feel it the way she clamped down on my arm again. Honestly, I wasn't too thrilled about how quickly I just got shoehorned into this. But I think for the most part it happened so fast that I couldn't even really think about it. They say the first five minutes after you wake up your brain isn't quite all the way awake. So you can't quite make rational decisions or comprehend fully what's going on.

It certainly felt like that. And the more my brain started to catch up with me this morning, the more it left a sour taste in my mouth. It's just so… STUPID. But now we're stuck with it so…

Another sigh added itself to my list as I worked to partially pry Shampoo off.

"You don't have to hold on like that," I informed her. "I'm not your boyfriend, and this isn't a real date. Its just a zany lesson your grandmother cooked up to make you behave a little better. So don't be so serious about it."

Shampoo slowly disconnected from my arm, looking cautious as we crossed a side street.

"You sure?" she began when we cleared the traffic. "Great Grandmother sound pretty serious when she threaten to end engagement to Ranma."

I stopped, a perplexed look on my face.

"She did what?" I asked after a moment. "Are you serious?"

Shampoo nodded, crossing her arms.

"She threaten to terminate engagement," she continued. "And to make worse, threaten to make me marry you."

I had already stopped, but this time I went stiff. Well, I was already stiff. I all but stopped moving.

"Bullshit," I commented in English before switching back to Japanese. "She didn't."

"Why you think I so upset?" Shampoo asked. "You not husband. Ranma supposed to be husband. I no want you for rest of life."

That- There's no way!

"She's bluffing," I frowned. "That's all there is to it. It's a bluff."

I knew Cologne was pulling shenanigans. I knew it… There's no way she'd terminate Shampoo's engagement over that. Not with the amount of time she'd already invested and the techniques she'd taught to Ranma.

And now she's using me as a centerpiece to a bluff just to get Shampoo to behave, knowing full well what condition I was in, and probably knowing what was bound to happen-

"I'm going to kill her," I stated in a cold tone as I turned around and started to walk back. "I'm going to march back there, load a Goodfellow, and I'm going to introduce that woman to a strange game in which the only winning move is not to play."

"You what?" Shampoo's voice sounded shocked.

Luna's face contorted in realization as I stepped into the street, and she quickly reached out and grabbed my good arm.

"Wait!" she snapped. "You can't do that! You're in no condition-"

"You no win fight with great grandmother," Shampoo interrupted. "Is dumb!"

"Grr…" I bit my lip. "I don't need to be in good shape to use a nuclear pellet gun."

"Now stop that," Luna's voice reprimanded me. "You're being silly."

"I don't care," I let my tone climb. "It's too early for this kind of bullshit. I just finished getting us through a mess. I don't need to be thrown into another one!"

"Relax!" Luna snapped. "You know better than that. She's not going to do something to hurt you."

"She's treating me like a pawn!" I snapped, venting my rapidly climbing anger. "I am NOT her PAWN!"

"Oh trust me," a new voice piped up. "When it comes to the old lady, everyone's her pawn."

Oh great… Just what we needed.

"Airen!" Shampoo turned, a huge smile popping up on her face. Exasperated, I felt my bout of anger go out like a candle as it was replaced with resignation. I'm not awake ten minutes, and already this place was setting itself up for the fall. I was hoping for, you know, peace and quiet, for a few hours? Was that too much to ask?

But, as I noted when I turned, if that was Ranma, this situation just increased in complexity by about three-fold.

Ranma was sitting just a few feet away, perched solidly on top of some kind of sign post. His head was cocked slightly to one side as if examining me.

"So," he continued. "The old hag's up to more of her games is she?"

Then he dropped to the ground, continuing to act as if he were examining me.

"It terrible Ranma!" Shampoo zipped right over to him and turned the charm up as high as she could crank the dial. "Great Grandmother is being mean. Say I have to be nice to strange cat man all day."

"Cat man?" there was just a hint of apprehension in Ranma's voice as he continued to keep his head cocked to the side. He glared at me for a moment then suddenly started to laugh.

"It's you," he chuckled. "Yeah, I remember you. The guy with the cat who embarrassed me at Ucchan's last week. I guess Karma does exist. Wha'd you do? Try to hit on Shampoo? I should warn you, she hits back. But then again, you already know that, don't you?"

Ranma laughed more at his own joke before I rolled my eyes and turned to walk … wherever we were going.

"Wait!" Ranma suddenly shouted. "Wait, wait. I'm only kidding."

"I'm not in the best of moods right now," I turned back. "So pardon me if I don't enjoy your humor."

"Okay," Ranma raised his hands. "Sheesh. I'm only joking. Relax. I'm not here for any vendettas. I was in the wrong last week. That's my fault."

He quickly jogged up and looked me up and down; his head still slightly cocked.

"So what really happened to you?" he asked. "You look like hell."

"Fist fight with a fifteen hundred pound-"

"Seven-hundred fifty kilo." Luna provided.

"-Cat monster." I rolled my eyes.

Ranma blinked. Shampoo just covered her mouth.

"That's…" he began. "That's a BIG cat."

"Very big," I turned away. Shampoo wasn't leading at the moment, but I figure we'd be going this way for a while.

"Man," Ranma jogged up beside me again. "That critter musta' done a number on you. How bad did he beat you?"

I stopped, trying to relax. I just wanted Ranma to leave me alone.

"I won," I stated in my most curt voice.

"Won?" Shampoo piped up in disbelief. "How you win? You scrawny, overweight tub!"

"What she said," Ranma indicated. "How'd you win? I imagine if this is what winning looks like, I'd hate to see the loser."

"The loser's DEAD," I pointed out.

"JEEZE," Ranma winced. "How'd you manage it?"

"I shot it in the head," stop asking me questions.

"Oh," Ranma replied in a tone that sounded, rather disappointed. "Like THAT."

"Yeah," I replied, letting my own tone nod for me. "Like THAT."

There was an awkward pause.

"So…" Ranma began at last. "That's it?"

Oh for the love of-!

"YES!" I snapped, causing Ranma to jump back. "It was trying to kill me! So I shot it! That's it!"

"Jeeze whoa!" Ranma put his hands together in a time-out symbol. "Really touchy today, aren't you?"

"I HURT!" I emphasized. "I'm tired, I have a headache, and I have to pee. And I'm standing here answering all your inane questions. Get it?"

"Calm down," Luna reached out and gently set a hand on my shoulder.

"Let's just go," clenched my eyes shut, the throbbing in my skull seeming to match my blood pressure. "The sooner to Doctor Tofu, the better…"

"Yes," Shampoo nodded. "We go."

"Oh perfect," Ranma commented, falling into step as Shampoo took the lead. "I was heading that way too."

"You go with?" Shampoo turned around, smiling brightly.

"I…" Ranma began, looking apprehensive for a moment. "I guess."

"Is perfect!" Shampoo grinned, bouncing back from her lead to latch on to his arm. After a moment though, she glanced at me, seemed to mull on it, then with a momentary grumble unlatched from Ranma's arm and locked on to mine.

Luna didn't quite manage to hide neither her double take, nor her exasperation as she rolled her eyes.

"Man," Ranma blinked. "The old hag really does have a scheme going."

"It no fair," Shampoo's look returned to a pout. "If I no take care, I stuck with him…"

"Stuck with him huh?" Ranma's voice was a bit too curious all of a sudden.

"I really hope you're not planning anything," my sarcasm escaped me before I could put a lid on it.

"What?" Ranma began. "No! Of course not. Knowing that crone, she WANTS me to try something. Those two are ALWAYS plotting something like this."

"Ranma really think I like that?" Shampoo let go of my arm, pouting and making with excessive eyelash flutters at her object of affection. "You no think I be sneaky like that, do you?"

"Cheh," Ranma snorted. "There WAS that mushroom soup stuff…"

Shampoo's pout deepened, a hint of scorn forming on her features.

"There was the Shiatsu," he continued, ticking off on his fingers. "That reverse personality thing… Yeah."

Ranma glanced up again.

"Pretty much every time you're acting odd, it's something sneaky…"

Shampoo dropped my arm to cross hers; her face now clearly upset.

"Fine," she snapped, her tone no longer masking how tired she was. "You think I sneaking…"

She reached up and grabbed my chin.

"I just do as Great Grandmother tell me-"

And she pulled my head to face her. Anything else I might have noticed at that moment was of no consequence to the absolutely blinding set of pain signals that flooded my brain, causing my vision to go fuzzy as I lost focus.

I opened my mouth to voice my agony, but found that difficult to do for the strange sensation of it being blocked. I nearly panicked because of that, my muscles painfully tightening up and hands clenching before I remembered to try my nose for breathing instead. Airway selection complete, I let loose with the most primal scream I could muster to alert anyone present that I was in serious pain.

This continued on for what I'm guessing was only a few seconds, but in the throws of pain, felt like a few hours easily.

Then suddenly there was a jolt and I was free to move and breathe, or at least stumble in place and gasp. It took a moment to get my neck painfully straightened the way it was supposed to be before the pain started to ease up.

I could hear arguing at that point. I think it was Luna shouting something, and Shampoo sounding surprised.

"Why you stop? Ranma supposed be jealous."

"YOU HURT HIM!"

"Eh!"

Someone steadied my balance about that moment, just before I had a chance to stumble over. A male voice chuckled near my ear, part of the tone seeming to wince in sympathy.

"Was it good?" it asked.

Good? What? My neck? NO! That FUCKING HURT! That's BAD!

I blinked and continued to try and control my breathing. As a result, I dimly began to remember my lungs too had been battered. Taking a moment to just rest, I finally wiped the tears from my eyes, noting that Shampoo was busy apologizing to me in a total panic. Luna was standing next to her, slightly pink in the face and looking apprehensive.

Ranma was the one holding me up at this point. And judging from the sharp chirps he was fighting back, he thought this whole thing was funny as hell.

"I sorry!" Shampoo's voice finally made sense as I tried to steady. "I no mean to hurt!"

"Your grandmother warned you about his neck!" Luna's voice was a bit higher in pitch. "What's wrong with you?"

"I SORRY!" Shampoo all but pleaded. "I no do again! Promise!"

Ranma all but burst out laughing. What the hell is so funny?

"It's not funny!" the two females chorused, each for their own reasons.

Ranma just laugh louder.

"This is too good," he managed to collect himself a little. And he just continued to laugh, somehow finding whatever happened hilarious for a little while longer.

That is, right up until I realized where he was standing, and planted my elbow right in his stomach.

"OOF!" he coughed.

"I'm not laughing," I gasped. My eyes were still watering. "I'm hurting."

"Right," he chuckled. "Right… Sorry."

Urgency to get to the clinic went up after that. So Shampoo, still apologizing profusely as if she were expecting her grandmother to pop up from around any corner and hold the Ceremony right there, took the lead once more, picking her pace up. Ranma still laughed to himself, but tried to keep it muted as he followed just out of range of my ability to flail uselessly at him.

Thankfully, the distance to the clinic wasn't as severe as I had feared, just a few blocks really. It was a happy day to get through that door. My hands were visibly shaking from the decidedly horrible combination of pain and anger.

"I go get doctor," Shampoo motioned for us to wait. "He expecting me."

"So…" I finally worked enough curiosity to ask. "What's your story?"

Ranma, whose head was STILL cocked to the side, chuckled to himself before answering.

"You mean MY neck?" he asked. "Fell asleep in class."

That doesn't look like an 'asleep in class' issue…

"The instructor caught me," Ranma continued. "She didn't like that."

"Your instructors dislocate necks?" Luna covered her mouth in horror.

"No…" Ranma laughed. "My Fiancée' did this. She decided to 'help' the instructor wake me up. And Akane knows how to hit. The nurse took one look at me and sent me straight here rather than attempt to mess with it."

"Your Fiancée'," Luna continued to look at Ranma Aghast. Then she paused.

"Wait a second," Aren't you engaged to Shampoo? Who's Akane?"

"Oh," Ranma reached behind his head and laughed. "Maybe I should tell you the mess my pops got me into. I was originally arranged to marry Akane… But then Shampoo started chasing me over a misunderstanding. And according to their law, if I beat them in a fight I have to marry them. And I kinda' beat her to stop her from destroying the house."

Ranma paused to glance at where Shampoo had gone to fetch the doctor.

"I can see that," Luna nodded.

"And then there's Ukyo, who my father tried to offer me off in marriage over a cart of food… I'm not even going to get into that."

Luna screwed up her face as she digested the brief summary of Ranma's main three relationships. Then she closed her eyes, nodding sagely before turning to me.

"Am I right in guessing he's got some guys after him too?" she stated.

We both blinked at her statement, Ranma just turning to me as if to ask-

"He turns into a girl when you hit him with cold water right?" Luna continued. "The way you explained things to me the other day, it just seems that he'd be chased by men too."

"How does she know about-?" Ranma began, then looked at me again and smacked his fist into his palm. "Of course. That's how she knows about the curse."

Any other commentary was cut off as Shampoo returned to the room, Tofu in tow.

"Ah," the doctor began as he took a glance at us, adjusting his glasses. "Ranma, Ranma… Did you make Akane angry again?"

Ranma shrugged.

"I didn't really do anything," he explained. "Just fell asleep in class."

"You should probably not do that," Tofu smiled as he walked up to us. "I can tell Akane's hits anywhere. And if the instructor's having her enforce the rules on you… "

Then he glanced aside to me.

"This should only take a second…"

The doctor circled Ranma once, hand on his chin as he examined the young man's neck.

"Still," he continued, straightening up and giving Ranma a series of sharp jabs to his neck. "It's amazing how she knows just the right amount of force to seriously mess you up without actually snapping your neck… It's uncanny. She must know you really well."

Ranma almost collapsed like a puddle of jelly as the doc spoke, but was quickly caught under the arm poked again, allowing him to stand once more.

"Yeah, I think it's just because I'm tougher than that," Ranma managed to speak despite his face taking on the look of someone who'd suffered a stroke.

"You shouldn't push your luck," Tofu admonished lightly. "At least this is an easy fix for me, but you never know when I might be out or on vacation. Then where would you be? Stuck going to a chiropractor I guess…"

Tofu circled again, poking Ranma a few more times before carefully taking the young man's head in his hands, and gently began to straighten it out. After a very delicate twist, there was a pop, and Ranma's head seemed to come free.

"Yeah well," Ranma summoned up some more bluster. "I didn't exactly start this."

"I never said you did," Tofu poked Ranma several more times, causing the young man to slowly regain control of his body. "But you should know better than to give Akane an excuse."

Then the doctor gave one last jab right to the young man's sternum. Ranma's body jerked in place.

"There," Tofu smiled gently. "Good as new."

"Oh…" Ranma reached up to rub his neck. "That's nice. Thanks doc."

"Nothing to it," the doctor nodded. "Though your neck might be sore a few hours from now… You know the drill."

Ranma nodded as Doctor Tofu turned his attention to me.

"And you must be my ten-thirty," he began, adjusting his glasses once more. "Cologne told me all about your-"

He paused, staring intently for a moment, then walked up and circled me the same way he'd done Ranma.

"Oh dear," he began at length. "She said you were a sorry sight to behold… But I didn't realize it was THIS bad."

That… Okay, I'm worrying.

"What-" I started. But the doctor cut me off.

"Now I understand what she meant when she said that this super-fast healing of yours might be dangerous."

Then he walked towards the door leading back into the clinic, motioning as he went.

"Follow me please," he instructed.

Nerves starting to creep up on me, I quickly fell into step, with Luna and Shampoo following close behind.

"You two stay put," the doctor turned and motioned to a sign next to the door. Couldn't read it, but it looked authoritative.

The doctor lead on, turning a corner into a narrow hallway before stopping in a small room with an examination chair/bed and a few of the typical items you'd find in a doctor's office.

"Just have a seat and I'll be right back," Tofu advised before grabbing a clipboard and slipping out of the room. Usually with most doctors, this meant a good ten-minute wait. But Tofu surprised me when he was back in all of thirty seconds, heavier a load of different items.

"Drink this," he handed me a bottle full of a purplish-red liquid. His tone seemed almost urgent.

"What is-" I began.

"Cranberry juice," he advised. "How do you feel by the way?"

"I feel like I got hit by a truck," I replied honestly. "Literally…"

"Can you be a little more specific for me?" he asked as I broke the seal on the bottle.

"My neck hurts like hell," I began. "I've got a massive headache. My joints keep stiffening up every time I stop moving, and I generally just ache all over."

Tofu just stood there looking a touch apprehensive while I proceeded to take a swig. Oh, that's tart. But it's good. Still…

"And I have to PEE," I continued in mild annoyance.

"Right," the doctor came out of his thoughts. "Of course you do. Your bladder is likely full, and your kidneys are probably working overtime."

He turned and set the items he'd collected down, writing on his clipboard as he went. He was getting more jittery by the second. After a moment, he turned back to me, a small pair of scissors in his hand.

"Let's get this wrap off," he indicated the bandages around my chest. "I don't know why anyone would wrap outside your clothes, but we can't get that suit of yours off until we do."

Er… uh… Yeah.

Doctor Tofu worked quickly with the scissors, cutting the tape right up the middle with almost one deft motion. When the bandages came loose, I almost choked in surprise at how GOOD it felt.

Taking a deep breath, I noted that my chest was still really sore, but breathing didn't feel like the agony that I had known last night. If I were to hazard a guess, I'd say that my ribs were still cracked, but no longer broken.

"There," he nodded in satisfaction. "Now follow me."

I set the bottle of cranberry juice down and did as instructed while Tofu set aside his scissors and snatched up a small container. Then he led me down the hall again until we stopped at a small bathroom.

"I'm sure you've done this before," he began as he opened the lid on the container and set it on a small ledge next to the toilet. "Just make sure to fill it about half way up and then set it down right there. I'll take care of the rest."

"Okay," I agreed.

Doctor Tofu nodded and stepped out of the room, allowing me to walk in and shut the door.

I'll spare the details of the next minute or two simply on the fact that I don't think anyone really likes to read about this kind of thing. Well, almost anyone... I wouldn't put it past a few of the less savory types to secretly enjoy it. Sickos…

Needless to say though, aside from fighting my towel wrapped neck to get my suit off, it was pretty standard for anyone who's ever had to go take your typical drug test. Well, maybe that's a lie. I don't think I've ever seen a fluid of that color come out of my body in my LIFE. And quite honestly, it was rather disturbing. So much that I was even half-tempted to flick the light switch to check if the container was going to glow in the dark. At this point, I wouldn't be surprised.

When I was done and back in the suit, (minus the sync-up, I had the feeling I wouldn't be in it very long today.) I stepped out of the room and Tofu slipped past me, a pair of blue gloves protecting his hands as he wiped down the container, stuck the lid on it, and sealed it tightly with tape. He seemed to hiss quietly to himself as he did so, eyeing the fluid with a certain level of concern.

Well, yeah. It doesn't take a medical expert to identify when something you see every day isn't exactly normal. I just hope it tells him more than it tells me. But I digress...

Once he'd sealed it, he wrote something on the tape and placed it into a small plastic bag, sealed that, and stuck it in a silver cabinet behind an all-too-familiar biohazard warning sticker.

"Go ahead and head back to the examination room please," he instructed as he began to remove the contaminated gloves and toss them in a bin with another clearly identifiable biohazard symbol. The apprehension in his tone was unmistakable now, which only made my anxiety over the issue creep up a little more. But Rather than stop to ask, I just did as instructed.

Once I got there, I grabbed up the bottle of cranberry juice and began to chug it as best I could. Just watching and paying attention, I was beginning to get the feeling I needed to get the stuff in me as fast as possible. After what Washu said last night, and the way the doctor was acting now. Well, I can put two and two together. And I was seriously starting to worry something worse than just being 'sore' was wrong with me.

"Okay," Tofu entered the room as I did my best to get my drink down despite being unable to tilt my head back. "Finish that up and we'll get that neck of yours in a proper brace."

Don't have to tell me twice...

"Okay," I began after swallowing one last gulp. "I know that wasn't normal. What's going on?"

The doctor said nothing for several seconds as he went through his clipboard and scribbled some notes down. Then he placed it on the counter and walked over to me.

"Well," Tofu reached around and started working the towel free, causing me to wince in pain at a few points in the process. "Normally, when I see a patient come in with your complexion I send them straight to the hospital. Because when their eyes are the color yours currently are that's a good indicator they're suffering from acute kidney failure."

I think my heart skipped a beat.

"Say what?" I asked.

"Kidney failure," Tofu repeated. "You've got more toxins in your blood than your kidneys can safely filter. And if it goes unchecked…"

The Kidneys: Essential vital organs of the human body. About the size of a small potato, one on each side of the torso, who's function it is to filter all the toxins your body and dump them into your bladder. If those things stopped working, chances are you'd be dead in a few days from poisoning.

And mine are...

"No…" I began. "No, no, NO!"

"And I can't send you to the emergency room," he continued. "From what Cologne told me, that would do more harm than good due to your… 'Unique' circumstances."

"NO!" I snapped again, I could feel the panic starting to take hold.

"Calm down," he placed two fingers right below my ear in a spot just behind my jaw. "Cologne said you knew who I was, so you know what I can do with a tap like this. I need you to work with me here, because we're doing something I technically shouldn't do. But like I said, your circumstances are… Unique."

I took a breath, trying to control that sudden surge of panic I had felt. So far I've dealt with monsters, magic, devils, cyborgs, romantic comedy jokes, bruises, broken bones, concussions, and skull fractures. And I'd handled them all just fine. But somehow the idea of my kidneys shutting down… I don't know. It was that same spike of fear I'd had when Judge startled me the other day. The one that reminded me I was still fragile despite everything I'd pulled off. That I could die like an animal at any moment if I dropped my guard.

I was having a hard time fighting the fear this time though. The panic continued to creep through me, causing me to shake slightly. I found myself taking another breath in an attempt to fight back the urge to lash out at something, anything really. But slowly, I was coming down again.

"That's good," Tofu nodded slowly. "Just keep your wits about you."

The doctor then crouched down, working the neck section of my suit down carefully to make room for the brace. I found my good hand reflexively finding something to hold on to and gripped it as a manner to channel some of that anxiety away.

"Now," he continued. "The good news is, from a quick glance at that urine sample I just took, I don't think your kidneys have failed yet. They're producing quite robustly. But they've got to be straining to keep up with the amount of byproducts this 'enhanced healing' of yours is putting out. So if we're lucky, all we have to do is flush your system with lots of water, and you should clear up just fine without even damaging them."

I wanted to nod, but the doc was fixing the brace in place now.

"But it's not going to be that simple," he continued. "This healing of yours… It must have your metabolism cranked up to overdrive. You feel like you've got a fever and you've been sweating just while we've been in here."

Well, I am kinda hot.

"So you'll probably need to eat," Tofu continued. "Lots of food and lots of water. If you can find more cranberry juice, that'll help too. That was the only bottle I had. But you've got to keep your system in balance. If you don't, you could go into shock."

That pang of fear came back so fast it wasn't even funny.

"Try and stay relaxed," the doctor instructed. "You should be fine if you just follow directions. Shock is a possibility, but only if you completely ignore my advice. Got it?"

Doctor Tofu waited a moment while I tried to relax again and then continued adjusting the brace. My list of problems was just piling on. One thing lead to another, which instigated more, and generated the rest. I would say it was even like some kind of slow death spiral. The more problems I had the more problems that seemed to pop up as a result. That thought didn't help me to relax. If anything it made this gnawing anxiety I was feeling even worse.

"There," Tofu interrupted my thoughts, pulling on the neck-brace once to test it. "That should do it for your neck. Just keep the brace on for the rest of the day. If that fast healing of yours works like it should, you'll be able to take it off by morning."

"Got it," I spoke, for lack of the ability to nod. GOD, that's already driving me nuts. I really am just one long list of complaints and problems. I've got to get my head back in the game.

"Good," the doctor nodded. "As far as I can tell without an exhaustive number of chemical tests, you're actually hanging in there pretty well. So don't let my initial diagnosis scare you. If I thought you were in any real danger at this moment, we'd be on the way to the emergency room already. So try and stay positive."

"Okay," I began, letting out an apprehensive sigh. I just have to keep a positive outlook. Think positive, positive.

My hand continued to grip whatever it was I had a hold of with all its force. Dammit! I'm too worked up to be positive at the moment! I've got to distract myself... Something, anything positive, even the silliest thing. Be it the fact that I could go back in the other room and splash Ranma with some cold water for a cheap laugh, or the fact that my stomach is rumbling and I'm...

I'm… Hungry?

Well, that's a good sign.

How is THAT a good sign?

You had no appetite yesterday dofus. If you're hungry, that means that stomach bug has finally run its course and been eradicated. Which means you can eat your fill like you've been told to do SEVERAL times.

I suppose that's good.

AND you have the money to buy whatever the fuck you WANT.

That's even better.

AND! You don't have to be STINGY about it!

That is… far better than merely 'best'. That is… Superior.

So let's blow this popsicle stand and find us some chow. Luna too... Hell, if we're stuck with Shampoo, we can afford to feed her. Even Ranma if we have to. You've got money to spare. USE it. Nothing says allies like buying people lunch after all.

Good idea. Thanks inner monologue.

Don't thank me…

"Thank your recruiter," I chuckled for a moment, catching Tofu by surprise.

"I'm sorry?" he asked.

"Nothing," I did my best to relax a little. "I'm just thinking out loud."

"Ah," the doctor nodded. "Well whatever it is, try and hold on to it. They say laughter is the best medicine after all."

"Yeah," I agreed. "It does help a little."

He was right of course. Just that little personal joke had improved my attitude considerably in only a few seconds. All I've got to do is relax. Eat, relax… Crack a few jokes with Luna. So long as my heart's still ticking, I can keep at this.

Could stand to lose the headache though…

"Looks like that's about all I can do for you," Tofu nodded as he gave me another once-over. "Just be aware of what I said, and…"

He paused, smirking as he leaned in conspiratorially.

"If you play it right, Shampoo should baby you like a mother hen," he finished.

"Not my thing," I couldn't help but laugh at the way he said it.

"Suit yourself," Tofu leaned back with. "But I think that helped your mood a little more."

Then he stood up and turned to leave the room after scribbling a few more things on his clipboard.

"Follow me," he indicated.

The doctor lead me back out to the front waiting room, where Ranma was sitting in a waiting chair, engaged in what sounded like a story of some kind with Luna. Shampoo was close, but seemed to be visibly resisting the urge to latch on to him.

"Oh, Ranma…" Tofu commented idly. "You're still here? Shouldn't you be heading back to class?"

Ranma stopped on in the middle of describing something he'd done to someone's face and regarded Doctor Tofu for a moment before just giving a plain shrug.

"Eh," he began. "By the time I get back it'll be lunch time anyway. No hurry."

"I see," the doctor responded in such a manner as if to say 'Well, if you think it's okay…'

Shampoo and Luna noted my appearance a moment after that and stood up from where they were sitting.

"How... is?" Shampoo asked as she made her way over. Though she looked concerned, the way her voice was full of hesitation indicated that she was forcing it. "Is okay?"

"About as okay as someone beat up like he is can be," Tofu nodded as he filed a few documents. "Just be mindful of his neck and chest, keep him out of trouble, and make sure he eats and drinks a lot today. Generally, just take it as easy as possible."

"Eat and drink?" Luna stepped past Shampoo and placed a hand on my shoulder. "I just hope he can keep it down."

"Well," Tofu turned, shutting a drawer. "If he keeps the juice I gave him down, he should be good. Was he having trouble eating?"

"I had a little bad water," I tried to laugh. "It didn't like me."

Tofu turned and adjusted his glasses, giving me a critical eye for a few seconds.

"Amazing," he commented at last. "It's too bad we can't do any documentation on you. I know a few doctors who would love to follow you as a Case Study."

"Ugh…" I rolled my eyes. "I'm already a case study."

"Do tell…"

"Too long a story," I went to shake my head, and found the neck brace the doc. stuck on me made it impossible to even ATTEMPT to twist. As a result, I just ended up looking weird. "And believe it or not, I actually am getting hungry. Which is good…"

"Well," Tofu nodded, turning to grab a small bottle, then he tossed it towards me. Before I even registered it was heading for me; Luna snatched it right out of the air without so much as a sidelong glance. Both Tofu and Ranma regarded the action with mild looks of surprise. The doctor hid his quickly, but Ranma stared for several seconds.

"Eeeboo..." Luna frowned at the label, then looked at the doctor. "What is this?"

"Anti-inflammatory for him," Tofu explained. Luna just tilted her head curiously.

"Pain reliever," he simplified. "He's trying not to show it, but I can tell he's hurting."

Luna silently made an 'oh' face and turned, handing the small, rattling bottle to me. I held it up for a moment and instantly recognized it with another small chuckle and a smile as the entire bottle was labeled in English front to back.

"Ibuprofen," I read it to the Felis Sapien.

"Just some over-the-counter stuff," Tofu shrugged. "I use it mostly to treat some acne cases. There's not much left in that one, but you can get more just about anywhere. Just don't take it right away. Wait for things to clear up a bit first or it will just make it worse."

"Thank you," Luna turned and put a little formal bow in. In my opinion, that was a touch overkill, but whatever.

"Not a problem," Tofu made a shooing motion with his hands. "Now, go eat. The sooner you do, the better you should feel. And come right back here if anything gets WORSE."

"I'm with the doc. on that one," Ranma eagerly cut in before I could respond. "Let's grab some grub."

Since when did he join our 'merry little band'? I don't recall inviting him.

"I know good place!" Shampoo cut in next before I had any possibility of telling Ranma to mind his own business. The Chinese warrior pushed through Luna and latched on to my arm, almost knocking the catgirl down in the process.

"We go now, yes?"

Luna just huffed once in agitation after recovering from her near stumble.

"As long as they have meat," she all but demanded, casting me a snap glance that had the most longing, almost begging look in her eyes. Yes, meat…

"Meat expensive," Shampoo frowned. "I no can buy much. Maybe kill for food. But no place to hunt-"

"I'll buy," I cut her off in an annoyed tone. "Trust me… I've got the money."

Speaking of which…

"That reminds me," I turned to the doctor. "How much do I owe you?"

"Owe me?" doctor Tofu blinked behind his glasses. "Don't worry about that. Cologne already said she'd take care of it."

"Ah," I gave a 'full body nod'. "So I don't-"

Wait... The crone's footing the doctor's bill? Last time she 'foot the bill' over anything was that Whiskey and he 'ancient' Chinese Ritalin-filled chocolates. And I ended up working all day for them. If that hag was footing a doctor's bill then…

"Ooh…" I began. "Nononono... I don't think so."

That's just what she would do to keep me on a leash.

"No," I continued. "We're not playing that game. I'm not playing her game."

"What you talking about?" Shampoo asked.

"Off the arm." I instructed. I needed to get into my portal. Shampoo complied and I raised it, making sure nobody was in the usual danger spot.

The reaction people had to this thing just never got old. Shampoo seemed the most interested, actively reaching out after I closed it and waving her hand through the space it had occupied. The look on her face almost made me want to pop it open again. It was hard to catch her being interested in anything that didn't have to do with Ranma, or snaring Ranma, or otherwise tricking Ranma. You know, in that Ranma-centric mind of hers...

"I'll pay for this," I continued after taking the reactions in, plinking my bag of gold coins on the counter. "I'm not going to owe that woman anything if I can help it. Not while I can afford it."

Tofu just adjusted his glasses and lowered himself to look closely at one of the coins that had spilled free of the bag. Ranma too, eyed the bag in shock.

"Where did you get that much…" the young man began. "And what was that hole?"

"How much?" I ignored him and kept my eyes on the doctor. "Think a coin will cover it?"

Tofu blinked, then glanced up, his glasses briefly catching one of the overhead lights

"Cover it?" he asked. "Young man, my fee is only five thousand yen."

"So it's covered then?" I asked.

"Well, yeah," he began. "But don't you-"

"Don't worry about it," I waved my hand. "I just don't wanna' owe that crone ANYTHING."

Tofu nodded, straightening up.

"I understand," he continued. "That woman can be a hard bargainer, and she takes whatever she can get."

Then he turned his head.

"Isn't that right Ranma?"

Ranma, upon hearing his name, jerked his head up from staring at the gold coins on the table.

"Wha-" he began in a distant tone, then realized he was being spoken to. "Uh, yeah! Yeah. That old bat can be such a con-artist."

That boy's probably never seen that much money before outside of Kuno.

Oh god, I hope we don't end up meeting Tatewaki, or worse, his sister Kodachi. That whole family is completely off their rocker.

In fact, now that I think about it, half the cast was batshit insane...

Some more so than others, but it's effectively a circus act.

God...

Suddenly I have this feeling I'm going to want to get rid of this headache in a hurry. Because the way things are looking, it's only going to get worse. I am SO GLAD Tofu just gave me some Ibuprofen... I'm gonna' need it.

The doctor took his payment reluctantly, but after some hesitation, he picked up and pocketed the gold coin we'd been inspecting.

"We go?" Shampoo latched on to me again, this time with a little more gusto in her attitude than before. I wouldn't have caught it except for the fact that the sudden about-face in her mood was rather obvious. Maybe flashing that much money around was a mistake. I know better than that. Showing off money is a quick way to get you robbed. And in my condition, I'd be easy pickings for a mugger. At least, until they caught a shotgun blast to the back.

But that would attract all kinds of attention I didn't want. The kind of attention I just left one nap ago.

"Yeah," Ranma was trying desperately to conceal a snicker as Shampoo tried to tug me towards the door... considerably more gentle than even a few minutes ago. "Let's find a good place."

"Who invited you?" I let the agitation in my voice out. Ranma's snickering died a little, but then he smirked and indicated Shampoo.

"She did," he pointed at the young warrior smiling next to me. Shampoo made a cheesy showing of fluttering her eyes at me.

"Is okay?" she asked.

Honestly, I'd rather keep Ranma at arm's length, as he tended to attract trouble. But at the same time, it was just as likely he'd follow us anyway and make a pest of himself, and STILL attract trouble. Plus Shampoo would probably be more unpleasant... Ugh, I'm over thinking this.

"Fine," I sighed... again. "He can come too."

"Is perfect!" Shampoo smiled brightly, which was actually surprisingly pleasant to witness. "Is date with you and Airen at same time!"

Ranma visibly recoiled, stepping back.

"Date?" he asked defensively. "Err... Maybe I should get back to class. At least check in before lunch."

Oh is THAT how you want to play it Ranma? You think you can just act like a weasel and get away with it? Not around me you won't. I know how to play this game too. And unlike you, I can keep a poker face, AND I've already dealt with some serious heavy hitters. Let's have a dry run...

"Oh no," I turned to Ranma, my voice raised so as to give away that I was on to him. "You've done lost your chance. Now you're stuck with us."

"Whaha-?" he glanced between each of us a few seconds.

"You're coming with us," I started to smirk. "Whether you like it or not."

"HAH!" Ranma burst out. "What are YOU going to do about it?"

"Me?" I laughed back. Now to set the trap... "I don't have to do anything. I'm sure once the doctor cripples you the same way he did that one time Akane had to carry you home, it'll be easy to haul you wherever we want."

Bait set.

"As if I'll- Wait, what?" he turned looking confused.

Foot's in the noose...

"How did you know about that?" Ranma's eyes widened in shock. "Shampoo wasn't even here for that! Did Tofu tell you?"

Ranma shot a look at the doctor, who simply regarded the scene before him passively. Now to cinch this...

"I guess if you leave now you'll never find out," I did the best shrug I could manage in my state.

Ranma, the tables turned on him in a heartbeat, just sat there looking irritated. Then suddenly he slapped his face and started to laugh.

"Oh man," he chuckled. "I get it now. That was good. That was really good."

"So are you coming or not?" Luna piped up. Serious cat was getting serious, which meant her patience was drying up.

"Yeah, yeah," Ranma recovered from laughing. "I guess I can go on a-" he made air quotes. "Date.' I've GOT to hear more about you guys now."

I'll call that success.

"Good!" Shampoo chirped happily. "Is date!"

"Ugh," Luna audibly exhaled. "Let's just go."

She turned, intending to lead the way out the door.

"Hold on…" I called.

"What?" Luna asked in agitation. She must be getting really hungry.

"I gotta' pee," I turned, sighing as I walked past Dr. Tofu.

"Again..."


	26. Three Two Tango

* * *

**Chapter twenty six: Three Two Tango**

_"Little fools! I am Beelzebub, Lucifer! The Reaper of Souls! The REALLY ANGRY ONE! I! AM! SATAAAAAAAAAN! HUHUHUA-HAHAHAHA!"_

_"So, that's nothing. I'm…_

_Princess Angelina Kentessa Francisca Francheska Bannanna Fanna Bo BESKA… THE THIRD! MUAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Just a little thing I do."_

_\- Dot vs Satan, Animaniacs_

* * *

 

"I've seen a LOT of weird things," Ranma commented as he looked at Senbei, eyes level with the edge of the table we were at. "And honestly, this little guy's pretty cool if you ask me."

I had nothing to say at that point. Honestly, the novelty of Senbei had long since worn off on me. Senbei of course smugly grinned at the compliment while I took a swig of an orange Gatorade.

After leaving Doctor Tofu's clinic, we'd set about taking care of a minor prerequisite to my assigned task of eating. Namely: Money.

See, despite the amount of cash I'd picked up in the previous world. It turns out I'd spent nearly all of it by the time we'd finished with purchasing that helmet. The one that paid for itself in full thanks to Bakane...

Without cash, all the instructions I had meant absolutely dick.

Of course, I'd flashed enough gold to call in the vultures. Both Ranma and Shampoo had very quickly changed their tunes once they'd seen that bag and what was in it. I guess greed really is the universal language.

But given my state, if the very notion that I was loaded helped to keep Shampoo from being upset with her grandmother's scheme (and thus, a little more docile), I was willing to be a little liberal with my funds.

It was weird too. It seemed so strange to know I was loaded with more money than I literally knew what to do with at the moment, but at the same time, know what I had to jump through hoops to make it useful.

Luckily, Ranma seemed to understand the whole issue with gold and currency, having explained that taking a training trip to China had resulted with him and his dad encountering the same problem. (At least, when they had a little money...) And one of the first things he'd done when returning to Tokyo, was scout out all the local places where one could exchange currency, no questions asked. It had been reflex...

That was good, because he quickly lead us around to a small place nearby that was more than willing to change up some cash for a few gold coins.

And what was the first thing I did?

I walked across the street, into a small market shop, and immediately grabbed the first thing I recognized almost as soon as I was in the door. A bottle with an old, familiar lightning-bolt logo.

Thank you Florida Gators.

After that, Shampoo lead us to a surprisingly nice outdoor café-turned-Americanized-steakhouse. Nothing too fancy, but at least it had meat on the menu. And meat was what we wanted, especially Luna.

Seating arrangements were, for lack of a better term, expected. I sat us in a corner, facing across the patio and out into traffic. Shampoo, practically glued to me at this point, took a spot on my left. Luna took a spot on my right, leaving Ranma to sit directly across from me.

More or less, this seemed to work out nicely. Shampoo got to sit next to both me, which fulfilled what she was supposed to be doing, and next to Ranma, what she WANTED to be doing.

Once situated, and our food ordered, we launched into a brief discussion as to just what exactly was going on. Senbei became article one of the evidence to back up the story.

"But anyway," Ranma continued. "Other worlds eh?"

"Yeah," I sighed. "You'd expect this to be a cool trip, but it just kinda sucks all around."

"I feel ya' man," Ranma nodded. "I didn't go to different worlds, but I've had my fair share of traveling… That and women trying to kill me."

Ranma cast a sidelong glance at Shampoo, who was either completely oblivious to the barb, or playing dumb. Either way, she just smiled cutely as if nothing had been said, returning her gaze to the small demon god sitting on a salt shaker.

"And you're really a… cat," Ranma turned his gaze to Luna. He seemed to almost squirm in place, but suppressed it.

"Yes," Luna seemed to notice the young man fidget as well. "This is actually an alternate form of mine."

"I… See," he continued.

"You seem to be taking this rather well," Luna frowned. So far, Ranma appeared more or less unfazed by our exposition. In fact, it kinda' made me glad he was taking it in stride. How many times had we gone over things at this point?

"Well, like I said," Ranma rubbed the back of his head for a moment. "I've seen some pretty weird things. People from other worlds don't really surprise me after some of the stuff I've been through. I guess at this point the only thing really missing would be aliens and time travelers."

"And ESPers," I added without thinking. The response earned me confused look from everyone.

"Never mind," I tried, without success due to my neck brace, to look away. Given how things worked with all the fictional conventions, I opted not to elaborate on where that thought came from by quickly stuffing the end of my Gatorade bottle in my mouth and taking a long swig.

"Aaaanyway…" Ranma continued. "Just do me one favor while I'm around."

"And what would that be?" Luna's features went flat.

"Stay in the humanoid form," Ranma stated. "Pleeeease…"

"What?" the catgirl's face went straight to confused. "Why?"

"Well," Ranma began. "It's kinda embarrassing-"

"He's Aluraphobic," my voice resonated out of my now half-empty Gatorade bottle, causing it to vibrate in my hand.

"Al-what?" Luna blinked in my direction, but I was already enjoying another sip of the orange liquid.

"It means he's uncontrollably terrified of cats," Senbei commented from his salt shaker, earning him a look. Then the little demon god turned to Ranma.

"How bad?"

"Ranma go running and screaming at sight of Shampoo when looking like kitten," Shampoo pouted as she cut in. "It very sad."

"So," Luna began. Then suddenly her eyes widened and she shot me an understanding look.

"THAT's why he panicked last time!"

I gave my best approximation of an affirmative, humming 'MmmHmm' into my Gatorade bottle. It was getting close to empty at the rate I'd been nursing it. And soon I'd have to crack open the second one I bought. Shampoo was eying it curiously, but Ranma had been the one to ask me about it back at that store. Turns out he'd never even seen the stuff, let alone tried it.

I offered to get him one, but he quickly declined, stating that he'd rather not, just in case he liked it. He thought it was too expensive for mere colored salt water that had sugar added to it.

Ah well, more for me.

"My offer still stands," I commented at Shampoo's curious gaze. "If you want me to buy you one, just ask."

Shampoo had declined as well, but with the excuse that I was already buying her lunch. Of course, the look on her face made it obvious she wanted it. But her staunch refusal was surprising. Even acting with restraint, which she'd been struggling with all morning, I would have expected her to jump at it once offered.

I just can't say for certain. Ever since getting my body scrambled by that monster, it's been hard to keep my thoughts coherent, especially through the filter of mild pain and the after-effects of a concussion tied with missing sleep and the fogging effects of medication. I might be missing something. But I'm not sure what.

"Don't waste your money," Luna suddenly snapped up, her voice becoming almost hostile in stark contrast to her previous tone. This I had also noticed since this morning. Luna was irritable, and it was getting worse by the minute. I'm guessing she was hungry, and like me, when you're hungry, you're grouchy.

The only reason I wasn't the same way at the moment was because the sugar in the cranberry juice combined with the Gatorades I'd bought was acting to mellow me out. I was hungry, but my blood sugar wasn't dropping. I guess that's one small victory. Sorta'…

You take what small victories you can get though. I wasn't as grouchy as I had been earlier this morning. That's always a plus. Even more so because I was going to get my first decent meal in two days.

Speaking of which…

I spotted our waitress coming out the door with a large tray, carrying what appeared to be our food. At least, I think so.

No, I'm certain of it.

The way she glanced at us as if to check we were still here was a huge indicator before she began making her way over. Like any waitress who'd been in the business a while, she somehow managed to appear as if balancing the tray with one arm was nothing to call home about. I guess it's not, since it's just practice. But still, you could tell she'd been at this job a while.

"Food's coming," I announced to the others.

"It's about time," Luna commented curtly, diverting her impatient attitude to the approaching waitress. I opted to say nothing about it, as the tone had all the warning signs of someone who would verbally destroy you if you so much as called fault to them. Instead, I quickly redirected my attention away to another matter.

"Senbei, go ahead and take five."

"Of course," Senbei nodded and vanished with a pop.

"Okay," the waitress began as she made it to the table. "I've got a porterhouse, double order of mashed potatos."

"Me," I announced. The waitress glanced, a flash of pity in her eyes upon noting my condition as she set the plate in front of me.

"Grilled Talapia," she continued without pause as she started to move the plate towards Ranma. "Double order."

"That would be me," Luna chimed in, her tone doing a complete one-eighty from before. The waitress gave the catgirl a look of pure shock; probably surprised that such a 'small' girl would order so much food.

In all honesty, that was actually a deal. The fish was far cheaper than the beef, and Luna had insisted that I not spend an absurd amount of money for her sake. I freely admit however, that if she had asked, I would have bought it for her. Luna deserves it, and that smile of hers is just too damn cute not to be worth the price.

But she went for the fish. So I saved on steak money there…

Now granted, at this point I wasn't all the surprised that there was an Americanized steakhouse in the middle of Tokyo. Given the way this city was in just about every world that had it so far, it was rather expected.

Actually, the surprising part was that Shampoo knew about the place, what with being a Chinese girl in a Japanese city and all… but it made sense after she explained herself. With all those delivery runs she made all over the area, she had a pretty solid mental map of not merely streets, but what businesses were located where.

In fact, the way she spoke, Shampoo sounded like a living GPS for the Nerima Ward. Not only did she know about the steakhouse, but she also knew the locations of six different bicycle repair shops, including one particular shop she visited frequently. Turns out she had an arrangement with the shop owner to keep her bike in top condition in exchange for free lunches from the Nekohanten. She'd bring her bike in on Wednesdays on a weekly basis. As rough as she was on things, I'm not surprised.

But I digress.

Shampoo got one of the leaner steaks, well done. I forget which one, but compared to my giant porterhouse, hers was rather shrimpy. I was rather surprised too. I expected someone with her active lifestyle to eat considerably more.

I just wish the lean steaks weren't so expensive. Hers cost almost as much as mine did. And it was half the size!

Ranma, well… He wanted to try the Fillet Mingion. The look of disappointment on his face when the plate was set before him spoke volumes. I think he was expecting something completely different.

However, he said nothing, likely because I was the one buying.

Anyway, now that we all had our food, it was time to FINALLY do something about Washu's rather persistent set of instructions. And I'll tell you what, I had no second thoughts to completing them.

"ERHEM…"

I was half way through cutting into the first piece of my steak when Luna cleared her throat, glaring pointedly at me like I'd done something wrong.

"What?" I asked. My eyes drifted to Shampoo and Ranma, who seemed to be looking apprehensive.

"Manners?" Luna asked in a straight, non-plussed voice.

What is- Oh… Nice restaurant, act civilized. And here I am tearing into my food like an… Animal? You've got to be KIDDING me! Luna picks NOW of all times to turn on that nobility mode she had around Ayeka?

"Seriously?" was what I ended up saying.

"Try and set a good example," Luna nodded to the side, indicating Shampoo.

Oh for the love of, what does my manners have to do with teaching her not to smash things without thinking first?

"Seriously?" I asked again, my town lower this time.

"Seriously," Luna nodded solemnly.

'Clink!' My knife and fork went down on my plate with a little more force than normal as I let out an irritated sigh.

"How'd it go?" I rolled my eyes. "Oh… Yeah. Eat-a-daikon-masss-room."

Ranma suppressed a laugh, causing it to sound like a choke. It may have been in English, but even he knew it wasn't right.

"Itadakimasu," Luna stated curtly, returning my eyeroll with one of her own. "Whatever you just said… Oh just do it right."

Oy… Yes MOTHER.

"Itadakimasu," I chimed in an underwhelmed singsong tone. Then paused and waited.

"Better," she nodded.

"Can I EAT now?" I asked. But to my surprise, Luna had already managed to stuff her face with food.

I'll take that as a yes.

I quickly returned to attacking my steak, a quick, complementary 'Itadakimasu' coming from Ranma and then Shampoo as they worked to catch up.

With the first bite, the verdict was in: This steak was good.

Of course, not five minutes into our 'lunch', and Shampoo was already up to her usual antics…

"Ranma," she turned, smiling at the young man and holding her fork out to him. "Aaaaaa…"

Ranma froze in his tracks, eyes flitting to the Chinese girl and the bite of steak she was offering him.

Ah, the old 'offer to hand feed the guy you like' routine.

I allowed myself to smirk in good humor, trying to avoid laughing because of my chest as Ranma visibly squirmed in place. The poor guy was stuck in such a spot between his three 'fiances'. He wanted to be nice, because Ranma, for all he liked to pick on Akane, was actually a nice guy. But he also found the attentions of the female population a bit awkward, especially with the position he was in.

It was obvious he wanted to turn down the offer without upsetting Shampoo. Accept the offer, and if word got around, he'd be up to his armpits in trouble. Turn it down and Shampoo throws a tantrum.

The whole thing was a kind of 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' setup. Typical for Ranma. But he'd probably figure a way out of it.

Or so I thought. The decision left Ranma's hands after a few moments when Shampoo suddenly pouted and retracted her fork. Then with almost a deft turn, she stuck the utensil in my face.

"Aaaaaa…"

The smirk left my face, replaced by one of my typical neutral frowns. Ranma, slightly off put by the sudden change, cocked his head to the side, then absentmindedly rubbed his neck.

"Aaaaaa…" Shampoo repeated in a slightly more… I guess you could call it 'urgent' tone. However I continued to stare at her like she'd told a really bad joke and that I was trying to telepathically explain to her just how stupid it was.

Then her face too, became a frown.

"How I suppose do this right if you no cooperate?" she asked.

"I have food," I stated in a flat tone.

"But I supposed to be taking care of," she replied pleadingly.

"I'm not two," I glared back. For just a moment, her eyes narrowed, but she quickly caught herself and took a deep breath. I was hoping she would give up when she did it…

She switched to the most pitiful look she could muster. I believe the term for it was 'manslayer'. Honestly I didn't know she could pull something like that off. It's almost as if all that time she spent in her cursed kitten form had given her practice in cute animal expressions.

But the expression I was witness to at this point could only be described as the most pitiful, adorable little pout I'd ever seen. And given the pout Luna had used on that pawn shop dealer yesterday, that's saying something.

Shampoo just sat there, fixing me with that pitiful cute stare, her fork outstretched towards me, just waiting for me to break.

Had it been any other guy, even Ranma (who, mind you, was staring mutely at the spectacle), they probably would have capitulated. Trouble with me, is that I'm stubborn as fuck, and I'm not really comfortable with the whole hand-feeding thing.

I could feel my own expression dry up as we locked eyes, a silent battle of wills taking place. For a few moments, you could almost feel the tension. Then I made a deliberate motion to set my utensils down, raised my hand, and pointed at her.

"No," I stated in a low tone, almost as if reprimanding a pet. "DON'T."

"But Great Grandmother," Shampoo continued with a whimper. I- wait a WHIMPER?

I felt my breath catch in my throat as I choked on my follow up response. That- That's just not fair! How the hell can a girl this strong manage to come across as so utterly pathetic at the drop of a hat? Even Motoko took the psychological shock of her life to reach this level.

"Don't," I repeated. I could feel anger in the pit of my stomach. Something about her just being so persistent was starting to tick me off.

"Please?" she asked, her tone begging.

I felt that ball of anger flare, my patience snapping.

'THUD!'

My fist smacked the table, causing the girl to jump in her spot.

"FINE!" I snapped. My patience had dried up, and with it, my ability to remain stubborn. I was just too worn out to try and resist that kind of onslaught. Being stubborn is a lot of work after all.

Shampoo dropped the manslayer pout almost instantly, beaming in triumph as she stuck the fork in my face.

"Aaaahhhh…" she chimed again.

Not one to be totally beaten, I reached up and neatly plucked the piece of meat off the utensil with my hand, then stuck it in my mouth.

"Eh-" Shampoo blinked.

The steak was bland, slightly dry, and-

"Needs salt," I commented between chews. I'm not sure I understood what Shampoo saw in a lean, well done steak like this. It tasted like leather and chewed like jerky.

The Joketsuzoku warrior lowered the fork, a confused expression warring with her disappointment.

Disappointment ended up winning.

"That not how you do it!" she snapped. "Do right!"

"It'll stick to my own steak," I replied. I had to suppress the urge to grin in satisfaction at her fluster. I let my eyes drift to Ranma, who was doing a terrible job of the same.

"Besides," I continued. "That steak tastes like an old shoe."

"Yo- what?" Shampoo froze in mid-retort and looked down at her plate. "What you mean? Is cooked real good. You is one eating shoe. Steak for you almost raw."

"Medium-Rare," I corrected her.

"Same difference," she crossed her arms.

"I bet you it's not," I challenged. As I did so, I did my best to look at my plate, which is a little harder when you can't turn your head. Picking up my knife, I cut a piece off the corner. A little fat, a little moderately pink meat and pushed it over.

"Try it," I instructed.

"I no want to," she continued to pout.

"Then you concede?" I asked.

"Conc-" Shampoo gave me a look that I swore asked 'What the fuck?'

"Do you give up?" I used a simpler phrase.

"Shampoo not give up," she snapped. Ranma was continuing to watch silently. Now he looked like he was stuck between wanting to laugh, and wanting to put some distance between himself and the table.

"Then try it," I pushed the piece of meat a little further to the edge of my plate. "If you like it, then you like it. No big deal."

Shampoo continued to glare at me. After a few moments, her fork reached out and neatly stabbed the piece of meat I'd offered. Her eyes never left mine, even as she raised the bite to her mouth.

Something I'd like to figure out more… I've noted before that the characters are smarter than they appear from the perspective of a reader or watcher. But at the same time, some of them are still as easy to manipulate as you'd expect. I didn't even realize it and I'd already talked Shampoo right into a corner.

Is it really that easy? Or am I getting better at it? It's not like I was trying or anything. It just kind of fell into place.

Hell I'm not sure, maybe the arguments I use just make sense to them.

Shampoo continued to glare for only a few more seconds before her chewing slowed, her eyes widening in surprise.

"Is good!" she chirped.

"See?" I asked.

"Speaking of good," Luna's voice piped up. I had to shift in my chair to face her, but when I did, I found her reaching out with a fork with some partially falling-apart bits of fish on it.

"You've GOT to try this," she continued. "Trust me, it's good."

I glanced at the outstretched fork for a moment. Part of me wanted to refuse automatically. But then another part of me immediately warned me of what I just pulled on Shampoo. If I refused Luna, I might look like a hypocrite and they'd both call me on it. Then I'd look like a dofus with my foot in my mouth.

Not wanting to lose face like that, I hesitantly reached up to pluck the fish off Luna's fork.

"It's going to fall apart," she interrupted. "Just eat it."

I hesitated, casting a glance at the catgirl. Luna just frowned at me. After a moment, I sighed, leaning forward and carefully trying to take the fish off her fork with my teeth.

"Oh for Serenity's sake," Luna continued, agitation more evident. "I'm a cat. We have the cleanest mouths in the animal kingdom. Quit being such a big baby and just eat it!"

My irritation flared again, making my teeth snap down on the fork. Luna bossing me around just a bit was normal by now. It was in her nature to be at least a little bossy at times. But I just couldn't get over some of the weird times she'd pick to assert herself. Between this and her attack on my non-existent Japanese table manners, I had to fight off the urge to be contrary just because I didn't like being ordered around.

It's all a little silly, but I'm still a guy, and we don't like being told what to do.

The fish, honestly, it took me a second to register the flavor. It was… fishy, but with a lemon-pepper taste to it that had just enough kick to make it interesting. As I contemplated the fish, I did my best to come across with a full body nod.

"Good…" I managed between chews.

"See?" Luna leaned back, lowering her fork. "That wasn't so hard now was it?"

She had this obnoxiously cute, triumphant grin on her face. Like she'd just won a competition I didn't know about.

Ranma started to laugh again. This time he made little, if no attempt to hide it.

"What?" the two ladies and myself all chimed in unison.

Ranma lost it, and almost fell out of his chair laughing.

I didn't, couldn't understand why he found everything so funny all of a sudden. Well, maybe a little bit with Shampoo's antics and the way I almost completely owned her in that respect. But I've got this feeling that I missed something in the process that was only obvious to an outside observer. Given my current state, that's not too hard. I can't turn my head to look at people properly, and I can't move very fast for being so god-damned stiff and sore. I could miss a million things right now and would never know it.

Like things sneaking up on me…

"Well, well, well," A voice began from somewhere above and behind me.

Ranma's laughing came to a dead stop, his eyes trailing up and scowl flashing across his face.

"If it isn't Ranma," the voice, decidedly male and older continued. "Shouldn't you be in school, boy?"

I'll give anyone who might be familiar with Ranma three guesses to figure out who it was. However I suspect most people would only need one. Maybe two tops…

"You're one to talk old man!" Ranma practically spat the sentence out. Then he grabbed up his fork and snapped the utensil through the air over my head. I tried to duck on reflex. Only for the action to prove impossible thanks to that neck brace I was wearing.

"Hah!" the voice scoffed. "You're sixty years too early to hit me with something that pathetic."

Suddenly, something crimson and tan filled my field of view as it smacked down on the table with the sound of rattling plates. It was so sudden that I involuntarily kicked back, but found that my slightly restrained body was unable to properly move before I lost control of the chair.

The only thing that saved me from cracking my skull on the ground (and thus, my third concussion) was Shampoo, who darted out of her own chair when she saw me tip and caught me. Luna, likewise, was on the other side as well, sharing a brief look of concern in making sure I hadn't split my head open on the cement.

"WATCH OUT-"

"BE CAREFUL!"

The two girls snapped almost as one, causing the thing that had landed to turn in place.

The man known as Happosai looked a lot like old man Hino, except he seemed far more 'lean' than one would expect from an old coot. In fact, the best way to really describe Happosai was 'sinewy'. There wasn't much meat on the parts of his body that were exposed, but the muscles that I could see peeking out from his crimson 'pajamas' had a look to them that reminded me of steel cables. The ones you usually see grounding telephone poles. The impression that left in my mind in that instant screamed a few dozen warning bells. As an animated character, he looked silly. You almost wouldn't suspect him to be every bit the grandmaster he claimed in his title.

But seeing him in the flesh sent chills down my spine. His body structure reminded me of a mouse trap come to life. One wrong move and 'SNAP!'

…Which honestly wasn't making my projected outlook for the day any better. 'Happi', as his name could be shortened, was what I could only describe as 'The World's Oldest Juvenile'. His personality ticked all the boxes you'd have for a hormone driven high school jock. He's self centered, conniving, selfish, egotistical, hypocritical, and last but certainly not least, monstrously perverted.

In fact, perversion was pretty much the identifying trait that dominated the mental picture of anyone who'd seen this character. And considering my company, that's about to be a BIG problem.

The tan thing that had nearly hit me in the head when he landed appeared to be a blanket he'd bundled up as a makeshift sack. Judging by the way it was bulging, I had this feeling that Happosai had been quite busy the last few hours.

"Ah, I see," he continued, turning in a motion that reminded me of a reptile. "Skipping class to have lunch with Shampoo… I wonder how Akane would take this one-"

"It AIN'T what yer thinking you old pervert!" Ranma snapped. I heard him audibly pound the table. In response, Happosai momentarily sported rather amused smirk before his eyes drifted away from Shampoo and over to Luna.

"And who might we have here?" he tried, and as far as I could tell, failed to come up with a tone I believe was supposed to be 'flattering'. "Aren't you the sweetest looking-"

'SMACK!'

Happosai had reached up to feel Luna's face, and at almost the same time, the catgirl's hand snapped up and caught him in a firm grip, stopping his antics dead in their tracks.

"Don't, touch me," she stated in a cold tone before motioning towards me. "You almost hurt him."

Happosai stared for a few seconds. Then with a slow, deliberate turn, acknowledged my presence for the first time, his eyes sweeping over to look at me in an examining manner. His hand came up as well, tapping his chin in thought. While he did that, Luna blinked a few times, glancing at her own, empty hand in surprise.

For once, I'd seen what happened. The old man had deftly, and rather neatly twisted his way right out of her grip with such a smooth, swift motion that she hadn't even noticed. The guy was fucking fast.

"Hmmm…" he continued into my thoughts. "You've been mauled by a large bear. Not something I'd recommend for anyone less than Ryoga or Ranma. Got you right in the sternum if I'm not mistaken."

"No SHIT Sherlock," I snapped back at him in English. Part of me was honestly surprised he'd gotten so close, while another part of me was not surprised considering it was Happosai. A third part of me was just irritated. That part won.

In response to my aggravated snap, the old man simply raised an eyebrow before he unshouldered his makeshift sack and opened the top.

For a few seconds, he dug around in it. An interesting sight considering it was about as big as he was. Then with a muffled 'AHA!' he popped back out, quickly turning to me.

"Here," he began. Before I could figure out what was up, he tossed something into my lap. "Take two of these and call me in the morning."

I heard a gasp of shock from Luna but was unable to turn my head to look down, so I was forced to lift the item into view.

As could be expected from having been pulled from Happosai's sack, it was a slightly off purple bra. Honestly, I couldn't care less. I've done enough laundry over the years that some random bra wasn't even going to faze me. It wasn't even a particularly fancy piece of lingerie either. Just a plain, slightly off purple pair of… whatever size they were.

But the way everyone behaved around here, I could feel this slight tension in my stomach with the minor realization that this could get ugly, really fast. And there was nothing I could do about it. As a result, I found myself rolling my eyes, letting an exasperated breath out.

"You can't say I'm not a charitable old master," Happosai continued, looking rather proud of his 'good deed'. "That right there should help you relax. You need it."

"Charitable?" Ranma practically spat into the conversation. "Yeah right! You have SOME NERVE, OLD MAN!"

Happosai quickly turned on the ball of his foot to give the younger Saotome an antagonizing smirk.

"Did you want one too?" he asked, reaching in and pulling out a rather risqué looking set of panties. That only served to aggravate Ranma even more. I suspect that the difference in the 'inapproprietness' of the two undergarments was deliberate.

"You need only ask."

"What the heck is wrong with you!" Luna interjected, causing several of the other people dining near us to look up curiously. "This isn't the kind of thing you should be waving around in a public place!"

"Oh you don't even want to get started with this old coot," Ranma replied before Happosai could respond. "He does this kind of thing all the time."

Luna glanced at Ranma, then at Happosai, then at Ranma again, her expression mortified. Then she repeated the motion, her eyes drawing to the large sack Happy had just gone through. I could almost see the gears turning in her mind as realization dawned on her as to what it really meant.

"That's DISGUSTING!" she jumped back. "Totally deplorable in every sense of the word!"

"Disgusting?" Happosai paused from his trolling of Ranma to cross his arms.

"Young lady," he closed his eyes, looking pensive. "I object to that observation. I am a man who appreciates the beauty in all its forms. To call it disgusting is a grave injustice. Even more so that you should feel this way considering the body you possess. It brings sadness to these old bones to hear one of such splendor as yourself decry an old man one of the few pleasures he has left in life."

Luna failed to find the right words to respond to Happi's change in tone, her face gaining a slight shade of red.

"Eh- I-" she stuttered. But being a smartass, I beat her to a response.

"You steal UNDERWEAR," I stated in a 'that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard' tone.

Happosai's head jerked back to me, a devilish smirk exploding on his features.

"Right you are M'boy!" he cackled with glee, then turned back to Luna. "And I wonder what lovelies this beauty prefers. Perhaps some fine silk, or maybe Egyptian cotton!"

Luna turned about three shades of red as Happosai grounded his bag.

["Come here sweetie!"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Z04FpaILfE)

The old man leapt forward, causing the table to shake from his spring; An action which forced me to slap my hand on my plate to prevent my food from being thrown. He almost caught Luna by surprise if it hadn't been for the fact that he'd all but announced his intent. The catgirl yelped in shock, jumping back and spinning to avoid the flying pervert's roving hands.

"Is going be problem!" Shampoo voiced from my left. Happosai seemed to miss his mark and planted his feet firmly, spinning around with a downright obscene grin on his face as he followed right after Luna. It didn't click at the time, but the way he moved at that moment spoke volumes of just how adept he was at dealing with a moving target.

Luna, being a predator of course, was just as adept as he was, and proved it by evading the ancient pervert a second time as she leapt right over him. Still, he must have managed something, because the moment she landed, she acted as if she'd just been frisked by a pick pocket.

"You!" she spun around, now pretty much looking like she had a sun burn.

"Heh!" Happosai grinned as he paused. "You're fast dearie, but not fast enough I'm afraid."

Then he tilted his head slightly to the side, his devilish smirk turning sly once more.

"But I didn't know you'd be so… traditional," he continued with only a slight pause. "I'd expect something like that from Ranma since he doesn't really care and all. But for a cute thing such as yourself to be going, as the Americans would put it, 'Commando'…"

Ah crap…

The gear click in the back of my mind was like a spring-loaded latch. Until Happosai had said 'commando' in English, I'd been wondering what he was starting to go on about.

"What?" Shampoo asked.

Happosai just continued to grin at the round of confusion amongst the others as Luna stood frozen in place. As far as I could tell, the tension had gone up a few more notches in that time frame. After all, ol' Happy had just announced to anyone who understood the term that Luna wasn't wearing any underwear.

Well, now that I think about it… When we bought her clothing, we never got her any underwear. I hadn't even thought about it. And honestly, I would have been the first person to think Washu would have taken care of that back when she gave Luna that dress.

So that means Luna's been running around a skirt-flip away from total embarrassment? She had that fight with Motoko, AND she was getting thrown around by Junpei, all the while just waiting for someone to look at her at just the wrong (or right depending on your perspective) moment?

I wish the human mind could use true-type fonts. Because if it could, I would find the curviest, most curled 'Ye Old English' font I could get my hands on for this next statement:

'Jesus Christ!'

I mean HONESTLY, this is just the kind of problem we DON'T need at this point. It's a STUPID problem, and stupid problems cause nothing but heada-

My thoughts were interrupted by a sound that made every hair on the back of my neck stand on end and sent a chill right down my spine. At almost the same moment Ranma, who was still across from me, backpedalled several feet, knocking the chair out from under himself in the process.

The source of the sound was Luna. She was, crying? That- no, that wasn't right. While there were tears in her eyes, she had this look on her face that would have made me soil myself if it had been directed at me.

Then I realized what I was hearing.

Luna was growling.

I've heard a cat growl before. And cats tend not to growl unless there is someone who's shit is about to get wrecked in the immediate future. I'm dead serious. Most cats may be so small as to be no real threat to the average human. But still, when a cat starts growling, anyone with any sense backs the fuck off.

And that's with your average ten to fifteen pound feline.

Considering Luna's current humanoid form and its substantially larger physical size, her enraged growl took on a whole new level of menacing. The growl coming from a normal sized kitty is loud enough halt all the activity in a room in an instant.

Luna's current growl sounded the godawful love child of a police siren and a Harley Davidson. I found myself taking a single, deliberate step back.

This fact wasn't lost on Happosai either. He'd grown silent and was watching her carefully as her hands flexed involuntarily with rage. Even her feet couldn't keep still as she padded back and forth from one foot to the other.

That reminded me of something I've seen cats do before. Usually, right before they pounced on something, they'd pad in place a little to get the right footing to-

Uh oh…

"You better RUN," I shot a glare at the old man. There, I did my one nice thing for the day. Pity it's being wasted on HIM.

"What?" Happosai turned his head slightly. "Why shoul-"

Everything exploded into motion. I felt my body get yanked sideways as Shampoo dove on me. The only reason my head didn't get cracked on the ground was because she rolled to take the impact instead. At about the same moment there was a crash and I saw the table go inverted. In an instant, the corner of my mind most concerned with getting a decent meal screamed in horror.

Unfortunately, I didn't have time to add my actual voice to the chorus before I was yanked again, this time to my feet. I barely registered one of our chairs clattering across the ground where we'd been a moment before when Shampoo suddenly spun again, yanking me bodily forward and to the side.

The whole experience was horribly disorienting and compounded by the sudden loud pop from behind, which I assume in retrospect was Luna changing forms given the sudden Shriek coming from Ranma.

"WELL!" Happosai's voice cackled into the mess. "Isn't that interesting?"

The world came to a stop for one blissful moment, allowing me to catch sight of Happosai facing off against the now feline Luna. Ranma, interestingly enough now sporting red hair and a more feminine frame, was on top of a nearby table earning a vicious glare from the diners sitting there.

"I'd say this does explain why you've got such lovely reflexes," the old man continued. Luna just let off another enraged growl, though this one was nowhere near as loud as the other.

"Feisty," Happosai continued. Each time he spoke his tone was taunting. The old man was playing with fire, but obviously he had an idea of what he was doing. "You want to use those claws and teeth on me, don't you missy?"

Luna hissed and spat, her ears flattening.

"Oooo…" Happy taunted. "I'm so scared…"

"I will…" Luna snarled, barely understandable through her more feline sounds. "Rip out your wind pipe."

Happosai just reached up with one hand and pulled on his eyelid, sticking out his tongue in the process.

"You're a real jackass, you know that?" I found myself cutting in.

"It's all strategy, boy," the geezer replied without even glancing away. His tone was suddenly conversational. "I've got her worked up into a murderous rage at the moment. She probably couldn't hit the broad side of a-"

Luna snarled, pouncing once more.

"Tora!" he mocked, sidestepping. But the dodge quickly changed direction as Luna shifted forms in mid-air much the same way she'd done with Kunzite. The old grand master of Anything Goes went right with it, catching her by the arm and throwing her my way.

That was about all I saw before I was once more spinning due to forces other than my own. I could hear the crash of another table full of plates going down, and a surprised, but still angry snarl from Luna mixed with those of some upset people.

A moment later, the blurs reversed direction as Happosai crowed happily. I could feel my headache coming back and my joints protesting as I stumbled, doing my best to stay upright.

"Errrgh!" A new voice added to the mix. "YA' BIG JERK! LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!"

"Woohoo! Ranma!" the world came to a halt allowing me to see Happosai almost seeming to welcome the boy-er… girl lunging at him. "You want to play too?"

The old man ducked sideways and hopped over a foot sweep with a gleeful grin on his face.

"Hold still!" female Ranma snapped angrily. A wheel kick aimed for Happosai's face missed as the pervert jumped onto the teen's leg, then used it for a springboard.

"Two cute ladies all over me!" he cackled as he landed on a still-upright, but empty table. "Shampoo-chan, you want to come over here and make it a threesome?"

The Joketsuzoku warrior froze in disgust, making a half-choked sound in my ear.

"Now now," Happosai continued to taunt in that deceptively sweet tone of his. "No need to be shy!"

Despite what I may have said about Shampoo's behavior previously, it was obvious that when her grandmother gave the girl instructions, she followed them. It might be a strange time to muse on that, but when Happosai taunted the young lady, I could feel her hands dig into my shoulders like vice grips. She was fighting the urge to act on her killer instinct and rip (or try to rip) the old man a new one. I couldn't blame her. The way he'd already behaved, I was finding myself sorely tempted to set her loose on the old man like a German Shepherd.

But as tantalizing (and funny) as setting the catgirls loose on Happosai like they were attack dogs sounded in my head, I knew there was no way he could be brought down so easily. And I was WAAAAY too close to the middle of things for my own taste. And-

-Wow… You know, this girl's got hands. JEEZE…

I grunted in pain from Shampoo's inhumanly strong grip. Immediately, her eyes left the pervert nearby and focused on me, her hands forcing themselves to loosen up in the process. The brief look of apprehension on her face conveyed a silent apology.

"Ah-huh…"

And, Happosai saw it too…

The old coot was grinning like a madman again, his stance widening out of the 'perch' position he'd been sporting.

And of course, footwork is the basis of all upright fighting arts!

I could FEEL the adrenaline shoot into my bloodstream the way my entire body tightened up and every sore muscle therein throbbed in unison. I even felt Shampoo's hands dig in again.

"Panic!" my brain couldn't think of anything more coherent to say in the moment. And I'm quite certain it came out in a pitch not becoming of my age.

"COME'ERE SWEETIE!" Happosai shouted with glee, conveniently avoiding Luna as she silently tried to pounce on him. "Give Happi a KISS!"

"YEEK!" Shampoo shrieked, pushing back in order to throw herself out of the pervert's line of fire. Unfortunately, conservation of momentum being what it is, and me not being securely bolted to the ground, I went stumbling backwards just as hard.

This might have been okay had I some sense of equilibrium at the time. Being thoroughly torn up as I was and my head locked in one position, there was pretty much none of that nonsense to be had around here.

It might also have been okay if there weren't so many smashed plates lying around.

I was already likely to be going down as it was. I could feel my center-of-gravity going past that point of no return. But the plate that happened to be underfoot just added insult to my many injuries when I reflexively shifted my weight to avoid crushing it.

Add rolling my foot to the list. Why's it got to be all the LITTLE things?

There were two quick pops, almost deafeningly loud in my ears, and then something braced me. Happosai spun in place with sadistic glee and took a dive in my direction again. The bracing became a shove, causing me to stagger forward this time.

It felt like I had suddenly been thrown into a pinball machine, or a group of schoolyard bullies from when I was little. Off one person, right into another. I hate this…

Happosai passed me on the right, a little blur as he shouted in triumph.

My movement came to a stop as Shampoo caught me. I had maybe half-a-second to think on this before she took a sharp breath and spun, my body in tow.

The warrior ducked and twirled, deftly hauling me around as she leveraged across a table and then flipped it on its side. There wasn't much to see beyond that between the blur of being forcedly yanked every which way for several seconds.

Then, almost as fast as it started, movement ceased, the girl holding me by the shoulder and the wrist, panting for breath and two shades of red darker than when we started.

"Heh-heh," Happosai chuckled, twirling something around one of his fingers. "You seem a little slow today, lose something?"

Shampoo flushed even darker as Happosai stopped twirling what seemed to be a br- Oh GOD DAMMIT! He's like a little fucking pickpocket! One that'll steal the clothes off your back! Literally!

"You CHEAT!" Shampoo snapped in a clearly upset tone. Happosai just continued to level her with a gloating, evil smile.

"Anything Goes," he practically 'purred'. Again, Shampoo's hands tightened up like a vice. Is he TRYING to get her to sna-

"OW," I intoned when I suddenly realized she was on the verge of crushing my wrist. Her glare snapped back to me, a certain level of panic-

Happosai took the opening, his foot stamping down on a plate, which spun into the air like an over-sized coin. The old man then caught it and threw it like a discus.

Like lightning, Shampoo yanked me to the side and lashed out with her now free arm. There was a distinct crack of shattering ceramic, and a sharp, stinging sensation just above my left eye.

"OW!" my verbal snap was pure reflex, causing Shampoo to squeak in surprise and turn her attention from Happosai to check on me.

Hissing through my teeth, I reached up and dabbed the spot with my hand, which only stung even more.

"Dammit," I snarled quietly, examining a small smear of red on my fingertips. "Th- That fucking HURT, ASSHOLE!"

"Is Okay?" Shampoo almost panicked right there.

Is NOT okay…

"This is a strange handicap you've given yourself," Happosai continued, his tone seeming to lecture even though that lecherous grin never left his face. Shampoo cast him a glance that was somewhere between confusion and anger.

The old man snapped up the remains of a glass and hurled it with the force of a fastball right at my face. Shampoo immediately jumped between the projectile and myself with an upset squeak and intercepted it, letting out a pained whimper as she did so.

"Perhaps now you see your weakness?" he lectured again. The only response the Joketsuzoku warrior seemed to put out was for her features to drop as she bit her lower lip.

"Oh GODS," Ranma (still female) suddenly picked up on what Happi was hinting at. "Shampoo, get RID OF HIM!"

Shampoo shot Ranma a look that reminded me of a deer caught in headlights, her features draining of color as she lost a bit more of her cool.

"But-" she began.

"She CAN'T," Happosai interrupted in gloating tone that reminded me of someone spreading peanut butter on toast. Then he relaxed from the fighting stance he'd been holding.

"For some reason," he continued smugly. "Little Shampoo, who couldn't care less about anyone other than you Ranma, is protecting this young man as if her life depended on it. Quite honestly, I'm surprised. It's like she's guarding a kitten."

Luna's angry warning growl kicked in again, reminding us that she was still here and still EXTREMELY pissed off.

"Oh, did I make a funny?" Happosai cackled. "Heh! With Shampoo stuck guarding him so closely, I'm presented with a very unique opportunity, wouldn't you say?"

"You leave him out of this," Luna snarled. "He didn't do anything! And she HAS to protect him!"

"Oh?" he turned his expression on Luna. "Why?"

"Because her Grandmother SAID so," Luna continued. "And if she doesn't-"

Wait, what is- NO!

"-She'll hav-"

"LUNA!"

Everyone jumped when I threw out the Drill Tone. I only barely managed to cut the catgirl off, but it was the only thing I could possibly do in the half-a-second or so I had.

Luna's angry expression faltered, her eyes drifting over to me. After a moment, those eyes widened as she realized what she'd almost done.

"Oh god, did I really almost tell HIM?" she blanched, head hanging slightly as she rested it in her hand.

"Heheheh," Happosai chuckled, Luna's head yanked up as she shot a glare at the old man with renewed anger.

"Commendable attempt, boy," he smirked. "And you've got some decent power backing those lungs of yours, too."

[Then he adjusted his stance.](https://youtu.be/acdRNGosMM8?t=22s)

"But I already know what I need to know here…"

"SHI-" I began, understanding perfectly what the old pervert was planning. With Shampoo so encumbered with having to take care of me…

Well FUCK!

"HOTCHA!" Happosai lunged at Shampoo. I braced myself mentally as the world snapped into motion again, the warrior hauling me around once more like we were filming for a Jackie Chan movie.

The yanking came to an abrupt stop as something caught my foot, almost yanking me out of Shampoo's grip as I dropped bodily like a stone. She managed to catch me, but only just barely, tweaking my bad arm in the process. I grunted, but you couldn't tell that from any other sounds going on at the moment.

Happosai took the opportunity to try and grope her in that moment, which came disgustingly close to being successful (I have a front row seat to this mess after all.) before Ranma managed to plant his/her foot in the old man's side.

It didn't take Happosai long to recover from the strike, sliding to a halt near one of the tables that had been overturned. Like before, he deftly kicked up a plate and hurled it right at my skull.

Shampoo full-body-tackled me this time, pulling me down and then using her own body to take the blow of the landing. For just a second, I caught sight of her eyes. She was in a complete panic, pupils darting this way and that as she huffed, trying to catch her breath.

"KEEP MOVING!" Ranma's foot hit the ground next to our heads. A moment later the sometimes-girl, sometimes-boy spun and parried a strike from Happosai.

"Pick on someone your own speed," he/she snapped. I could hear the exchange of lightning fast moves above us as the two more skilled combatants deadlocked.

Unfortunately, Ranma quickly found him/herself on the defensive, almost tripping over my prone form as Happosai pressed the attack. The martial arts student's feet danced around my head precariously, causing me to bite my lip.

Then suddenly, Ranma leapt back, practically handing Happosai the initiative.

"HAHA!" the pervert crowed triumphantly. "You still have a lot to lea-"

'WHAM!'

Luna unloaded on him with a chair. Feline stealth had its advantages.

"DISGUSTING APE!" she snarled vindictively. Then quickly reached down to help me up off the ground.

"You okay?" she asked, looking me up and down.

"Nauseous…" I admitted. Now that I was upright again, I was feeling a bit light-headed.

But before I could collect myself enough to extend the conversation, Luna wrapped an arm around me and spun, pulling me away as something whistled past my ear.

"YOU'RE INSANE!" she shrieked in horror.

"You threw the chair first," Happi's voice came from somewhere behind me.

"You're going to KILL him like that!" she snapped back.

"Not if you keep him out of harm's way!"

Luna's eyes bugged out and she turned, stumbling past a table as she tried, with far less grace mind you, to mimic how Shampoo had yanked me around like a rag doll to keep the both of us out of Happi's clutches.

Honestly, I could feel myself getting queasy even faster. Despite her refined feline skills, she just had no experience with this kind of thing.

"Shampoo!" she suddenly shouted, pushing me away.

A second later the pinball feeling was back, Shampoo obviously catching me from behind.

Happosai, now in front of us, instantly changed 'targets' as he effortlessly ducked a wild swing from Luna.

Shampoo wasted no time in turning my stomach inside out, twirling us impossibly around as several projectiles whipped past us.

Something warm and wet hit my face in the process, forcing one of my eyes shut on reflex.

I could only stand there and feel helpless as the situation continued to deteriorate further and further into Happosai's favor. Either he was going to manage to feel one of the girls up, or they were going to falter and I was going to be on the receiving end of the new 'Anything Goes Martial Arts Plastic Surgery' experience.

Now, there's frustrating, there's infuriating, and then there's impotent rage.

Being unable to so much as hit back and knowing that I was being used as a catalyst, that last one was picking up rather quickly. I was already feeling rather crappy, and my lunch was ruined, and now Happosai was just toying with us at my expense.

Between being tossed back to Luna for a few moments and back to Shampoo, I managed to find my wrist and gave the dial a twist. If I could just get my hands on the old man for a second or two, I'd give him the surprise of his life.

That was the plan anyway. Unfortunately, reality had other ideas. As it would turn out, I'd forgotten about a small, almost trivial detail when Doctor Tofu had been fixing that neck brace on me earlier.

When I twisted the dial, and that familiar sensation of all my joints getting 'looser' didn't happen, I realized:

The suit was not synced up to my body.

"DAMMIT!" shot out of my mouth as I was tossed once more from Shampoo to Luna. The catgirl barely managed to catch me and avoid a flying lunge that had been intercepted by Ranma.

The young martial artist seemed to hear my exclamation and spun, driving a weak kick into Happosai's back.

"Here!" he/she snapped, pulling me out of Luna's arms. "I'll get him out of here!"

Ranma then pulled me in close.

Freezeframe the situation for just a moment.

I'm a guy, being hugged into the chest of a girl, who's a guy.

Awkward right?

I mention this mainly because Ranma has very little in the way of sensibilities in terms of what he does with female anatomy. Especially with female anatomy that belongs to his own body. You can't blame the guy for it either. But for just a moment when I was presented with this peculiar situation, my brain got hung up on the concept. I mean, Shampoo was practically wearing me like a skin at points, but that never even registered in my head. Yet somehow, this being Ranma, who's a guy magically changed into a girl, I can't help but get a certain cold shiver in my back. Creepy…

Luckily, my brain didn't get more than half a second to dwell on it before I realized what Ranma was planning when he shouted 'Hold on!' He was going to-

"NO!" I snapped, almost at the exact same time as Luna.

"NO JUMPING!" the catgirl continued in a frantic shout. "You'll hurt him!"

"What?" Ranma snapped in shock. "So will the old man! How am I supposed to get him away from the creep now!"

"You don't!"

Ranma jumped as Happosai managed to partially cop a feel of hi-er, her at the moment. Then the martial artist broke free to throw me away, once again heading for Shampoo.

However, I never got there when my arm, almost limp as I got tossed about, was caught in a firm grip, yanking me to a stop.

"OH! HOHO!" Happosai cackled as he yanked me back. "UH OH! Looks like you've messed up BIG TIME Ranma! Now I have him. What are you going to do about it?"

"Joke's on YOU!" Ranma snapped, leaping forward. "Now YOU'RE the one who has the handicap!"

"Oh, AM I?" Happosai laced the statement with venom and yanked on my arm. Despite being half my size, the old man managed to move me more easily than even Shampoo had. Ranma, half way into a swing by then, was forced to pull it wide at the last second. Happosai took advantage of the opening that produced and nailed the younger Saotome in the stomach.

Another table bought it, big time. Ranma's female body smashed right through it like some kind of movie prop. But it was obvious the impact was a LOT more substantial than any Hollywood stunt.

"EYA-HAHA!" Happosai cackled, yanking me to come face-to-fist with Shampoo, who hesitated and backpedaled.

"Come on!" the old man goaded. "Come at me! Hit me if you think you can! Or can you not do it?"

"We've got to do SOMETHING," Luna complained to the other two. Yet, with me as a human shield, there wasn't a lot they really could do.

"What do?" Shampoo asked. Her voice was now clear desperation. "Shampoo would smash Happi, but this HARD!"

"Yes, it is hard, isn't it?" Happosai asked as he adjusted my position. "You're not used to having to PROTECT something for a change, are you Shampoo-chan? It's like having to fight as two people at the same time, is it not? You have to be twice as fast, twice as smart, and you have double the weaknesses and openings to worry about."

Happosai applied a squeeze to my wrist to emphasize his point. It was like a pair of bolt cutters that were slowly working to snap my hand off. And it hurt like hell. I bit my lip and held my breath, trying to suppress a grunt of pain, but it slipped out before long as the geezer only increased the intensity. The girls' upset faces only got worse as I did so.

"What can you do?" Happosai continued at them, loosening his grip slightly after he got the response he was, in hindsight, obviously trying to 'squeeze' out of me. "Let this be a lesson to you. If you want to fight to protect someone or something, you'd best be prepared to fight as if there were two of you."

Ranma pushed 'her' way out of the table that had broken 'her' fall. The younger Saotome snarled angrily at the old master.

"You're a dirty, cheap old coot!" Ranma snapped. "I wouldn't be caught dead using a half-cripple bystander as a hostage! How can you claim to be the master of Anything Goes Martial Arts when you act lower than some petty thug?"

Happosai laughed, his voice filled with a strange irony.

"Listen to yourself Ranma," the old coot returned after a moment. "What do you think that name means? Huh boy?"

Ranma merely took a more aggressive stance.

"Anything Goes," Happosai continued as if revealing something for the first time. "And when I say anything, I MEAN anything. It means we fight as dirty and low as we need to win."

Something about that made my brain hang-up. He's not seriously-

"What about honor?" Ranma snapped in anger. "What about what it means to be a martial artist?"

"HAH!" Happosai laughed. "Don't think you can lecture me boy! You are just as guilty of taking advantage of the ideals of this style. Or can you honestly say that you haven't taken any cheap advantage you can get in the name of winning?"

Ranma said nothing, but 'her' teeth visibly clenched.

"So don't pretend that you're somehow 'better'," Happosai continued. "Because I know you Ranma, and you're the first one to resort to being a cheat if it's convenient and you can get away with it."

Ranma had enough of the old man's brutally honest slander, lunging with everything 'she' had. Happosai simply adjusted my position to line me up with the younger martial artist's incoming punch. Honestly, I felt just a bit scared at that moment, because I just couldn't see Saotome stopping this time.

But surprisingly, Ranma managed to pull the punch, coming to a halt with a fist so close to my face I could feel the air it displaced.

"Still weak," Happosai chided.

Those words did it. My suit may not be synced, but I still have my portal. If the geezer let go of my arms for even a second, I'm not sure I could resist the urge to take his head off or not.

I don't think I've ever been this close to actually acting on the desire to kill a person in cold blood. Zoicite not withstanding due to being an enemy combatant... But the old man's lecture reminded me too much of my own 'fighting logic'. Technically, the old man was right, you take any advantage you can get, any opening you can obtain, and play as low down and dirty as need be.

No sense of fair play...

But I put emphasis on the word 'NEED'... I didn't like the way he was hiding behind the logic, using it like a crutch just so he could do whatever he wanted rather than what he absolutely needed.

It was disgusting, and it made a mockery of the very logic I used to justify what I did in order to STAY ALIVE for the last week. It's like seeing the kind of monster you could become if you didn't keep yourself in check. And I didn't like it.

Not.

One.

Bit.

Ranma must have been thinking in a similar mindset, because 'her' face mirrored how I felt at the moment.

Impotent Rage…

If only one of us could HIT this guy... He's not invulnerable. He's got a weakness, just like everyone else.

I found myself growling as I realized what the coot's weakness was: Girls.

Yeah, like we can just THROW Shampoo and Luna (and female Ranma) at him. The entire point is to keep his mitts OFF them.

"So, anything goes?" I found myself saying, if only to butt my way into this one-sided conversation.

Happosai's grip adjusted, indicating he'd shifted in place.

"Of course," he commented.

"ANYTHING anything?" I asked. "As in, no holds barred, kill or be killed, no trick too nasty anything?"

I'll admit, I had no idea what I was doing. I was rambling, just trying to find a way to poke at him, if only verbally.

"Anything," Happosai confirmed. "Like I said, you do what it takes to win."

"You're a pig," I had nothing really witty to say.

"I believe Ryoga has more experience in that department," the geezer reflected smugly.

"You're a PIG," I repeated. "And using a cripple hostage to protect himself over stupid shit-"

"You are the one who was foolish enough to get himself mauled by a bear or whatever it was," Happosai cut me off.

Idea!

"I'm sorry boy, but I'm taking advantage of my environment. And it's your bad luck to be-"

"Do you know what happened to that 'bear'?" I asked, cutting the old man off again. I'm glad I did too, I didn't want to hear the geezer try and shift the blame for a situation HE started by making it the fault of the victim. Namely me.

"I'll admit," Happosai continued after a pause. "I am curious as to how you escaped alive. Most people don't fight bears and live to tell about it."

"I killed it," I stated. For just a moment, I felt a bit of thrill admitting it. Immediately I kicked myself, knowing I had killed a little girl's pet, but for just one fleeting moment, to be able to back something up with fact like that... It made me feel strangely more confident. If I wasn't careful, I might just end up liking the idea.

"And how'd you manage that?" Happosai asked. Ranma, right in front of me still, glanced back and forth but said nothing.

"Trade secret," I provided. I wasn't about to explain to the geezer how I put a hypervelocity, starship-grade projectile through a demon cat's head... The last thing I needed was to give the jerk ideas.

"Then what makes you think I believe you?" he continued, clearly baiting me. This probably won't work but:

"Let me go," I instructed. "And I'll show you."

"HAH!" Happosai laughed. "And lose a hostage? You think I'm stupid, boy?"

Didn't work, but that gives me another idea.

"Fun fact," I stated in a louder tone, indicating I was changing the subject. "If you've taken a hostage, you've already lost."

That got pause from the old man.

"What?"

Okay, so I'm just flinging out dialogue trying to find something, anything to latch on too. I've had this little train of thought run in my head before, something stupid that ran through my head at work once upon a time. The cold cruel logic of how hostage situations go down and why they were just so... Stupid. Not to mention it reminded me of the desperate bluff I tried to pull with Doctor Scaglietti and the Numbers a few days ago. Only instead of being the one bluffing, I was the one trying to call the bluff.

"You've already lost," I mentally shrugged. His grip tightened. "The moment you took me hostage, you lost."

"How's so?"

Now, let's just hope I can keep a steady dialogue going... What could I use against this guy other than trying to out-logic him? Because I'm pretty sure this is going to fall apart.

"The moment you took me hostage," I spoke up. "You anchored yourself to this spot. I am the only thing standing between you, and a world of pain. You can't part with me, or you lose that advantage."

"Who says we're going to part?" the old man asked suspiciously.

"You HAVE to part with me at some point," I pointed out the fact. "Unless you'd rather spend the rest of what's left of your life handcuffed to me. And you HAVE to sleep some point, so you can't have me around otherwise I might just... Well, you know."

"HAH!" Happosai laughed. "Not happening."

He's not buying it. Probably because he knows he can just fight his way out of a tight spot, hostage or no.

"So you're going to kill me then?" I asked. I didn't even expect to spit that one out, but it DID earn a longer pause than normal.

"Don't be silly," Happosai stated at last. "Why would I-"

"Either you have to part with me," I continued, my voice climbing in volume. "Or you have to KILL me. Because if I'm stuck with you, the moment I get the chance, I'm going to STRANGLE YOU IN YOUR SLEEP!"

My head hurts... I'm losing my cool and I still can't think properly. That last part burst out as a forceful snarl on my part. I just keep jumping from one mood to another at the drop of a hat… But for what it was worth though, I didn't get a response from the old man. Was he really thinkin-

"HAH!" the way Happosai scoffed indicated he didn't feel at all threatened by my declaration. "Perhaps you are right about having to part with you at some point, boy. But not yet. Not while there's fun to be had!"

That made my blood boil. The old man was secure enough in himself that the brutal fact that I would kill him in his sleep if given half the chance didn't intimidate him in the slightest. Then again, it was probably a poor move on my part. The geezer's probably been on the receiving end of more death threats than anyone else on the planet. Even Shampoo's entire tribe had been after him at one point. She could track Ranma part-way across the world even though he could change entire GENDERS, making for the perfect disguise.

But Happi? Who am I kidding?

DAMN THE LUCK! Why can't I beat anyone at a game of verbal wits when it REALLY counts? I know I've dealt with Hild, but at least I had some good leverage at the time, and she was willing to take it easy on me!

Speaking of Hild, where's Senbei? I could use his help!

Don't tell me that lazy demon god's been sitting around watching us get our asses kicked by a perverted old freak this whole time! I'm his only ticket home!

While Happosai moved me slightly to account for the girls fanning out to try and find an opening, I let my eyes fall on roughly where our table had been. The entire patio was empty by now, the customers probably frightened off by the fighting going on. Where'd that demon god go? I doubt he'd stayed put after Happosai had landed on our table, so he had to be around here somewhere.

Feh, I wouldn't even be surprised if he was relaxing in the little bag Happi was toting his 'haul' around in. He did spend half a day nestled in Rei's underwear dra-

My eyes snapped over to the makeshift bag, lying almost forgotten near our overturned table. It was sitting there, almost unassuming without the geezer to bring attention to it. And then it clicked.

Happosai's weakness…

The old man is NOT infallible as he would like to think.

"SENBEI!" I barked, causing Happosai to tighten his grip for a moment.

"Yesu?" I heard from nearby. I couldn't turn my head, and I couldn't physically turn either to see what he was up to, but I knew that demon's voice anywhere at this point.

"What in the-" Happosai began behind me. Typical reaction most people had to the demon god…

"There's a bag the old man brought with him over by the table," I stated in a deliberately loud, clear voice. "Do you see it?"

Happosai's grip locked down on me to the point it almost hurt.

"What do you think you're doing, boy?" The old man asked.

"I see it," Senbei replied.

"BURN IT."

If I could have seen the look on the old man's face… Happosai's grip faltered and he let out a bark of surprise as Senbei teleported with a faint pop.

"Wh-!" the grand master snapped. "You wouldn't!"

"I would," I snapped back. I know the old man couldn't see it, but for once today, I was grinning. It was a twisted, smug little grin that I couldn't help feel growing on my features. Why?

"That's LOW!" Happosai snapped.

Because it was IRONY.

"Anything goes," I parroted the old fart.

Senbei, now floating over the old blanket Happi was using as a makeshift bag looked up at us, grinning that devil-smirk that appeared when he got to be part of the misfortune someone experienced.

"NO!" Happosai shouted. "DON'T YOU DARE!"

The God of Poverty and Misfortune flamboyantly uncurled his arm, his index finger and thumb closed together.

"SHAKKIN!"

'FWOOSH!'

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Happosai howled like he'd been set ablaze himself, suddenly powerless as his 'silken darlings' or whatever nicknames he gave the loot in his sack burst into flames. Senbei looked absolutely ecstatic at the old man's grief.

And now, while the old man was distracted, I gave test tug to see if he'd lost as much grip as he had concentration.

Unfortunately, he hadn't. All I ended up doing was causing the both of us to stagger slightly as his desperate wail became whimpers of sorrow.

I felt something brush my foot as we did so, and an idle thought hit me.

Did Happosai wear shoes?

My foot came up…

Because I wear-

My foot slammed down on something that gave a satisfying 'CRUNCH' on impact.

-BOOTS!

My ears were nearly busted as the old man went from upset to shrieking in pain the likes of which I'd never heard out of his animated counterpart. Instantly my body was shoved forward, the vice-like grip on my arms released.

Bastard should count himself lucky I don't wear cleats. A steel spike through his metatarsals would serve him right!

I was reminded a moment later as I stumbled that I had just recently rolled my foot on that plate a minute ago. It wasn't the worst I'd experienced, but it was enough to make me inwardly curse as I found myself unable to keep balance.

Luckly, Shampoo was in front of us and effortlessly caught me, twisting to tuck me behind her protectively.

"NICE ONE!" I heard Ranma shout. There was a meaty crack a moment later, followed by a yelp with the distinct tone of Happosai's voice and the crash of a table being abused.

"And stay down you old freak!" Ranma continued vindictively.

For a moment, it was quiet. Luna raced over as Shampoo spun my body around to check on me.

"Is he okay?" the catgirl asked, her voice tense with anger and worry as she turned to me. "Did the old man hurt you?"

The two practically pawed at me as they both inspected the cut I'd gotten on my forehead. After a moment to balance on my good foot, I had to bat their hands away in annoyance.

"I'm fine, I'M FINE!" I assured them. "Calm down!"

"What a horrible old man!" Luna continued. "I don't even think the Dark Kingdom is that petty and disgusting."

"That's Happosai for you," Ranma wandered over, half-grumbling in the process. "The lech can rot in h-"

[An angry snarl interrupted the conversation ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iNzrnuucfE8)before Ranma could even finish. A moment later, the table Happosai had been smashed into crashed down next to us. Shampoo and Luna immediately placed themselves between me and the old man as Ranma set back into a fighting stance.

The grand master was seething. Gone was the playful smirk he'd previously been sporting, replaced with a look that I swear could have melted galvanized steel. He took a step forward, limping slightly as he did so.

"You DARE," he loosed the most guttural growl possible, rage practically glowing in his eyes.

"You want a piece of this?" Ranma stepped forward. "Bring it gramps! I'll just pound you again!"

"SILENCE BOY!" Happosai snarled. "I will not tolerate your insolence! I may have been playing around before. But what the cripple did is a crime against nature itself! And for that, he must pay!"

"Over my dead body," Luna snarled, advancing a few steps. "You will not so much as lay a FINGER on him!"

"Shampoo no let you harm him either," the Joketsuzoku chimed in. "Happi do worst, but he WILL fail!"

"And how do you plan to stop me?" he growled. "You could barely touch me before… But now I'm serious."

Luna just hissed; quite a freaky but rather neat sound coming out of her humanoid body. It was like a small steam vent being purged and sent a cold chill - or was it a thrill? - running up my spine.

"I'm through playing these games," Happosai continued to growl while crouching down, slightly favoring his left foot. "Now I will show you the TRUE power of Anything Goes!"

"Ah crap," Ranma didn't quite manage to swear under 'her' breath. "The old man's doing THAT!"

"Doing what?" Luna's voice included just a hint of worry in her anger this time.

Ranma didn't answer as Happosai continued to glare threatening at us. Whatever it was the old man was planning had suddenly made Ranma very anxious. The young martial artist took a step back, 'her' teeth grit nervously. Even Shampoo seemed to be getting extremely nervous as she moved a little closer to guard me. As the tense silence - punctuated only with Happosai's growling - continued, I could feel the hair on my body start to stand on end, making my skin prickle slightly. Something told me this was going to be really bad.

"COWER!" Happosai snapped, "Cower like the fools you are!"

Ranma let out hiss as if making the same assessment I just had. I could see 'her' out of the corner of my eye as 'she' started looking up. The same went for Shampoo and Luna, who both took an unsteady step back as if backing away from something huge.

"H-He can DO that?" Luna spoke, her anger turning into pure dread.

My eyes flicked to the side for a moment, then up to the empty space they were looking at, then back down to the old man. He was just standing there, glaring at us.

"Happi, VERY mad," Shampoo mentioned uncertainly. "Maybe burning naughty bag was bad idea…"

My eyes flicked up again, finding nothing. Uh… Did I miss the memo?

"Girls?" I began uncertainly. "Something I should know about?"

"What, you can't see that?" Ranma asked sarcastically. "You can't FEEL that?"

"Feel…" I began tentatively, making sure to double check where Happi was still glaring at us. "Static electricity? Maybe? My neck's sore, my arms are sore, my foot hurts…"

"WAIT!" Luna snapped out of her funk, glancing between me and the empty space above Happosai. "He… HE CAN'T SEE IT!"

The old man in front of us faltered, the vicious glare softening as confusion knit across his brow.

"What do you mean he can't see that?" Ranma snapped, waving with 'her' arm. "The old coot's cranking out more chi than I even know what to do with!"

"Ranma right," Shampoo voiced from next to me. "Happi's battle aura biggest Shampoo ever see!"

Battle aura? Wait; The hundred-foot tall, glowing optical illusion slash manifestation of Happosai's fighting spirit? The same battle aura that made the old man look like a kaiju about to start a rumble with Godzilla?

THAT battle aura?

There was no hiding the look of confusion on my face at this point, nor the look on Happosai's to match. This probably had something to do with Medium Transfer Principle and my lack of any physical ability to interact with magic and magic-like forces. But something must be different here. The others could obviously see something BIG above Happosai, that much was certain.

"Yeah…" I began again at length, glancing around as Happosai's face began to betray his own disbelief more. "I got nothing."

The old man lost his composure.

"IMPOSSIBLE!" he spat. The three around me took an involuntary step back. "You should be whimpering like a sick puppy right now!"

The old man limped a step forward, tensing as if he were preparing to spring. Again, the girls took a step back, Shampoo pulling me slightly. Aside from that weird feeling much like a lightning strike waiting to happen however, there just wasn't anything I could spot.

"Still nothing," I admitted after another glance around. "You're still three feet tall, a billion years old, and limping on your left foot."

Ranma and Shampoo looked at me, shocked stupor on their faces. Happosai's eyes darted between them and myself several times. I could almost see the thoughts racing through his mind. Then suddenly, those eyes narrowed.

"What are you?"

I felt my body tense again. The old man's voice had changed, dropping almost to an inaudible growl; a tone laced with suspicion, promising a quick death to the abomination before him. It was that tone, more than anything that scared me at this point. He didn't just sound angry…

He sounded deadly.

"There is nothing…" he continued again. "…Nothing alive or dead in this world incapable of sensing chi, or seeing something like my battle aura- ESPECIALLY my battle aura."

The old man limped forward again, placing his weight on his good foot. Perhaps, maybe, just possibly, NOW would be a good time to figure out how to NOT get killed by what I think might be a half-dozen lethal moves coming my way in the next sixty seconds…

…

Come to think of it: Yeah, I just violated the 'Don't Piss Off the Locals' rule, twice.

I'm fucked.

"WHAT," Happosai addressed me a second time. "Are you?"

It never ceases to amaze me the number of ways the same question can be asked. I've repeated the answer to this question almost a dozen times. Yet each time, the context behind it was different, making it hard to answer no matter how many times I could have practiced.

And now Happosai was demanding an explanation for the, what I suspect he'd label 'abomination' standing before him. How the hell am I supposed to answer this question in such a way as to pacify the old master?

The seeming staring contest continued for several more seconds, the tension so thick you could carve it out with a spork and serve it to the homeless. I couldn't figure out how to answer. I wasn't sure just how far his skill went. However, I had this distinct feeling I didn't want to see just how lethal the otherwise goofy old man could become with as many years of martial arts behind him as he had. Limping on a crushed foot or not...

'FWSHHHHHHH!'

The blast of hissing noise sent a decent jolt through all of us.

The sound turned out to belong to a fire extinguisher, a police officer calmly blasting Happosai's former haul with it to smother the fire Senbei had started at my behest. After a few seconds, the rather impassive looking man halted, satisfied the fire wasn't going to spread. Then with deliberate ease, he turned, making no effort to acknowledge our presence as he calmly set the extinguisher on a table.

'CLANG!'

We all jumped a second time at the surprising amount of force he used. Again, with practiced ease, the officer turned back to us, a frown plastered on his features as he silently tugged on his gloves, tightening the white material around his hands. He seemed almost disdainful of our group as he placidly looked around the mess that had formerly been the patio.

"So," he began almost casually. "I get this call while I'm eating lunch. Some kind of fight going on at a restaurant; lots of damage, customers distraught, you know how it goes."

The officer finished tightening his gloves and reached down, pulling a wicked looking police baton out and giving it an experimental spin from its side-grip. The item made a whirring sound as it spun in his hand.

"I know how it is around here," he continued in that same tone. "Always some martial arts group or another. There's always some damage involved, mostly superficial. Occasionally things get out of hand and a bathhouse gets a free renovation. But for all the chaos and damages that causes, not once have I ever heard of a SINGLE martial artist let even ONE bystander get hurt."

He paused again, the spinning baton coming to a halt, popping up into the air before the officer caught it again.

"Is big trouble," Shampoo murmured in my ear.

"How?" I muttered.

"Happi still have battle aura up," she continued nervously. "And he not even flin-"

'PING!'

Shampoo jumped as the officer struck a metal rail next to him.

"I'M TALKING," he thundered in a tone to match a drill sergeant. Then after a moment he continued, pacing and looking around at the mess some more.

"Now," he returned to that idle chit-chat tone. "As I was saying: I've never heard of any martial artists around here letting bystanders get hurt. That's why we let them get away with so much property damage. Usually, it's just the property that gets damaged. That and we'd end up arresting half of Nerima…"

The baton spun and tucked under his arm, almost as if being part of his body.

"But you know what's different today?"

There was a pause as he waited for someone to guess. When nobody bothered to answer, he filled in the gap.

"Right now I've got three people in there, two customers who got cut by flying glass, and a waitress who's been crying ever since she got hit in the face by a pitcher full of ice. That's three people more than should ever happen."

The officer absentmindedly tugged on and inspected his gloves again.

"And considering I don't like paperwork, that's three people more than I'd like to talk out of pressing charges. So tell me, are there any good reasons why I shouldn't arrest the lot of you right now? Be quick about it, I don't have all day."

Ranma jumped in almost immediately.

"We were just sitting here eating lunch!" the younger Saotome began angrily. "The old man's the one who started it! We just fought back!"

"He's right!" Luna interjected, anger returning to her voice. "That nasty old man tried to molest me! And then he tried to molest Shampoo, and he threw plates at us, and-"

The officer held a gloved hand up, silencing the catgirl as his eyes drifted to Shampoo.

"Shampoo agree with Luna," the Joketsuzoku frowned. "Try to ruin Shampoo's job today!"

"So that's how it is?" the officer's eyes drifted to me, his brow line lifting slightly as he looked me over. In response to his gaze, I just gave him a thumbs-up due to my lack of nodding ability.

"Well," he continued, recovering his baton and beginning to stride forward. "This looks pretty straight forward to me."

"WHAT?" Happosai snapped angrily. "You're going to believe what a bunch of delinquent children have to say?"

"I can just ask those people inside who started what," the officer continued. "But I don't think I need to."

"ABSURD!" Happosai snapped angrily.

"Sorry," the officer had almost closed the distance now. "But I suggest you take a seat."

We turned as he walked past us, almost on Happosai when suddenly the old geezer jumped back, again favoring his hurt foot in the process. With a quick mutter of 'time to go', he raised his hand up.

"Oh no you don't!" Ranma began, racing forward, only to be stopped by an outstretched baton.

Happosai hurled something at the ground. A moment later he was obscured in a cloud of smoke, hiding his retreat.

"Wha'd you do that for?" Ranma turned angrily on the officer.

"No real hurry," the uniformed man stated conversationally. "I'll get him later, on my terms."

Ranma growled as he/she glared impotently at the dissipating smoke cloud.

"Besides," the officer continued. "I've got injured inside, and we don't need to go making bigger mess."

Then with another idle twirl of his baton, he pointed through the patio gate.

"Now I want you four to clear out of here," he instructed. "I have to explain to the owner what happened and file an incident report. And I believe some of you have to get back to class. So get lost, and don't come back here for a good while."

With that, the officer holstered his baton, pointing with his free hand for us to leave. With none of us seeing any real reason to disobey the peace keeper, we began to file out into the street, leaving the mess behind us.

Just as I was about to follow Shampoo out of the gate, a white glove came down on my shoulder. Involuntarily I froze for a moment, apprehension tensing me up.

"Quick question," he began quietly. "It looks like someone managed to do quite a number to the old man's foot. Was that your handy work by any chance?"

For a moment I blinked, unsure how to answer. But honestly, it would have been too much work to come up with an excuse.

"Yeah," I admitted. "How'd you know?"

"You're the only one with shoes made for that kind of thing," he commented quietly. "Nice shot by the way. But don't do it again. The less legal ammunition you give him now, the better for us when I catch him. Got it?"

"I'll try," I glanced out of the corner of my eye. The apprehension evaporated once I realized he wasn't going to do anything.

"Good man," the officer patted me on the back and turned to walk into the building.

A minute later found the four of us standing on the sidewalk, glancing at each other as if asking ourselves what to do next. After a few moments, Ranma broke the silence.

"DAMN that old freak," the currently female Saotome growled. "He ruins EVERYTHING!"

"He almost ruin great grandmother's challenge," Shampoo joined in now that the ice was broken. As if having been reminded, the girl turned and walked over to me, carefully looking my body up and down."

"No bad hurt," she commented after a moment. "Shampoo block plates, but they shatter."

"Yeah," I sighed. "Not your fault there. The old fart was aiming to take me apart on purpose just to bog you down."

"What a jerk," Luna frowned as she joined Shampoo in examining me. "If we hadn't been trying so hard, you could have been seriously hurt..."

I swatted their hands away after a moment while Luna added 'Again' to her statement.

"Now quit that and let me take a look at you. You're bleeding."

"Just a nick on my head," I reached up to massage the injury. "No big deal."

"Are you kidding?" Luna narrowed her eyes. "I can SMELL it. You reek of blood all over!"

"What?" I tried to look down and failed, opting to raise my arms instead. Sure enough, there were some small red smears on them, but I couldn't feel anything. "Can't be me, I'm wearing body armor, remember?"

"Well, you ARE," the catgirl admonished, looking for the stealthy injury. While she did that, I frowned, puzzled.

If it wasn't me, which I'm pretty sure it isn't, then someone had to be in contact with me…

My eyes glanced over to Shampoo, who was looking a bit tense even now. After a moment, I found myself drawn to the small puddle of red next to her foot, a drop landing in it. From there my eyes tracked right up to her hand, balled up so tightly in a fist that where the skin wasn't covered in streams of blood leaking from some kind of shiny jagged thing, it was almost paper-white… Wait, HOLY-

"JESUS CHRIST!" I snapped in English. "Shampoo, your hand!"

"Is fine!" the Joketsuzoku stuffed the appendage behind her back. "Is not first time Shampoo bleed in fight! Is not last time either!"

"Come to think of it," Ranma walked over to her. "You blocked a glass with your hand, and I don't remember what happened to it."

Shampoo hopped back from Ranma a couple paces.

"Shampoo is fine, Airen," she snapped in a defensive tone. "She can handle little cut on own."

"Don't be silly," Ranma followed her. "That's not a little cu-"

"Am not silly," Shampoo countered with another step back.

"Oh honestly," Ranma rolled his/her eyes. "The one time I'm willing to get this close to you and you want nothing to do with me."

"Shampoo appreciate gesture Ranma," Shampoo pouted. "But I handle cut hand on own."

"Stubborn girl," I sighed.

"Reminds me of somebody I know," Luna commented nonchalantly. I tried to shoot her a glare at the exact same time Ranma snapped 'Hey!'

"I was thinking more along the lines of Usagi," Luna pouted, then smirked for a moment. "But you know what they say about people with guilty consciences…"

"Stubborn is a fitting word…"

The air left my lungs in an exhausted moan the moment Happosai's voice reached my ears.

"Still," the old man landed in front of us, dumping some used tobacco out of a pipe he was holding as he did so. "She's a proud warrior, and wouldn't cry over a simple flesh wound."

Oh god dammit, didn't we just get rid of this guy?

"NOW what do you want, you freak?" Ranma snarled. Shampoo and Luna both turned to close in on the old man. But before they could get close, he held up a hand to indicate for them to wait.

"Now don't worry your cute little rears," he frowned. "I've had my fun for the time being."

"FUN MY ASS!" Luna spat, charging the old man with renewed vigor. "You little-!"

At first I thought we were about to go through round two of this mess, but Happosai wasn't playing games anymore. He stood his ground as the catgirl pounced. I didn't even have time to think.

"WATCH THE PIPE!" Ranma snapped.

No, don't watch the pipe… Watch the OTHER hand.

At least, that's what I realized about a second later. I could do nothing but stare dumb-struck as the old pervert snapped his tobacco pipe down on Luna's wrist just as she caught him by the throat. His other hand, concealed by the action that drew everyone's eyes but my own because I was just too slow to react to it, lashed out, jabbing her firmly with a strike to a mid-body pressure point.

While her nervous system was busy locking up, causing her to almost drop like a rag-doll, the old man finished by coming back across with his pipe-hand, now free of said tool, where he caught her free arm, and tucked inside and twisted.

Luna went over his shoulder and right onto her back. There was a substantial, meaty sounding 'plop' as she landed, knocking the air right out of her lungs.

Happosai raised his pipe with the opposite hand, working to add some fresh tobacco to it while Luna gasped for breath on the ground. Part of me wanted to nuke the guy on principle.

Then again, I wanted to nuke him anyway at this point.

"My apologies for the rough treatment," Happosai bowed his head for an instant, though one eye stayed open and fixed on Ranma. "But I must attend to business with Ranma."

"Business?" Ranma asked incredulously. "You just finished harassing us to the point it drew the COPS! And now you have the nerve to say you've got BUSINESS!"

"RANMA!" Happosai's tone was firm. "Be silent and listen for once in your ungrateful life!"

Ranma took a step forward, just begging for the old man to leave him/her an opening. However, Happosai left no such thing, stopping to take a puff on his pipe as he let the last sentence sink in.

"I've been thinking the last few minutes," he continued after blowing a smoke ring. "And I have to warn you. Be wary of this one…"

The old man casually turned his head to me. His eyes narrowed for a moment, examining my body carefully before he turned back to Ranma.

"Something about him isn't right," Happosai continued. "He isn't natural. It might be nothing, but I've never met a living thing that was so devoid of chi in my life. Keep your guard up."

"I'm flattered old man," Ranma growled. "But somehow, I don't think there's a threat."

"Maybe," Happosai took another drag on his pipe. It seemed to make the old man relax a little more. "But one should err on the side of caution at times like this. Keep an eye on him. If there's a problem, I'll snuff him out myself."

Happosai took a look at me again. It took a few seconds for the statement to register, but when it did, I almost started blabbering at the old man right then and there.

He just- Did he? YES! He just told us flat out that he'd KILL me if I turned out to be a threat!

For what? Because I can't feel chi! THE FUCK!

"Now wait just a second!" Ranma interjected as the martial artist's thoughts caught up with my own. "Aren't you being a bit hasty? You didn't hear his story yet!"

"Not interested," Happosai stated flatly. "Words can be fabricated with ease. Actions I can observe. And trust me, I'll be observing you."

The last statement was directed at me as he dumped his pipe on the ground. Then with a twist, the old man leapt up onto the building next to us, hesitating as he landed and shifted from one foot to the other as if in pain. Then he bounded out of our line of sight.

"Damn hypocrite," Ranma glared after him.

My concern returned to Luna, who hadn't moved to get up.

"Luna, are you-" I began, but stopped when I saw her face. Her body was jerking, choked sobs coming from her.

"Oh no…" I carefully dropped to a knee. "What's the matter?"

"Is she hurt?" Ranma's grumbling rant came to a stop as the cursed fighter rushed to my side. "The old man throws me a lot further."

"I," Luna began, blinking back tears in her eyes. "I had him, and he just… I couldn't hit him. Not once. N-Not once."

"That's all?" Ranma asked. "That's just stupid. You shouldn't get upset over not-"

My fist found Ranma's shoulder, bringing me up to two for two in sucker-punches today.

"Shutting up," the fighter got the message.

"I had him, and he just," Luna continued, her sobs coming more freely. "And he just brushed me off like… Like… Everyone else we ever fight."

"Come on," I bent down, ignoring my body protesting as I took Luna's free arm and started to pull her up. Oh jeeze, I forgot she's heavier than she looks.

"What good am I if I can't even help in a fight?" she continued to whine.

"Come on," I repeated, pulling Luna up with a grunt. My arm let me know it didn't like that, but for the catgirl's sake, I sucked it down. "You barely learned how to fight a few days ago. Happosai's a grand master."

"But I'm a CAT!" she snapped through her tears. "I'm faster, and stronger, and I could feel where he was going, and… and."

For lack of anything better to do, I just pulled Luna into a hug, letting her rest her head on my shoulder while she broke down. In front of me, I could see Shampoo just staring. For once, her expression just looked sad. When we made eye-contact, I used what limited motion my neck brace allowed to nod. Her eyes narrowed and she nodded in return.

"Hello…" Ranma bent down next to me before returning to an upright position. "What do we have here?"

The younger Saotome raised something to his/her eye level just in that corner of my vision where the glasses I had on created a small blind spot. It only took a slight twist to bring it into view. Whatever it was, it was shiny.

"She dropped it," Ranma continued. Upon hearing that, Luna pulled herself out of my now soaked shoulder and took a look.

"Oh," she continued with a slightly 'stuffed up' sounding voice. "The crystal."

Crystal? My brain caught the word and immediately went into apprehensive mode. Which crystal?

"What?" I voiced aloud, turning my body to get a full look. "Let me see."

I reached out and Ranma handed the item over. Almost immediately I could feel my tension wash away as I noted it wasn't one of the Rainbow crystals. Instead, it was the little dark crystal Kunzite had been using.

"I picked it up after you left it lying around," Luna continued through puffy eyes. "I forgot to tell you because we were so busy."

Touche', isn't that how I forgot about the Rainbow Crystal?

I examined the evil trinket for several long seconds. I hadn't really gotten a chance to the first time. It was dark purple, bordering on black. Like I had observed before, it was the size of a marker, easily fitting in my grip. The facets themselves reminded me of a pencil that had been sharpened from both ends, but had since been dulled from use. And the strangest observation occurred to me well into a minute of just looking at it.

It was cold, and stayed cold no matter how long I held it.

"Good job," I found myself saying while I continued being hypnotized by the crystal. "Very good job, Luna."

As I remembered when I was talking to Washu. If WE have it, then Kunzite does NOT have it. It may not be much, but Luna denied an enemy one of his resources.

"You're not useless," I continued. "Don't beat yourself up over a lost fight with Happy. You did more confiscating this than a thousand fist fights with the old man."

There was a small sniff from Luna as I tore my eyes away from the crystal. She had this small, hopeful smile on her face. Despite how rotten a mood I was in, it was contagious.

"So what does it do?" Ranma's voice interrupted us.

Shortest smile in history…

"It-" I began, raising the item back into my vision with a frown. It tracks a certain group of people down, turns them into monsters, and if required, imprisons them to merge them into a super monster. Could I explain something like that to Ranma? SHOULD I explain something like that to Ranma?

More importantly, what use could it be to me? …To us?

I loosened my grip on it until it was held at the bottom between my index finger and my thumb. Slowly, I let it slip in my grasp until it had spun around to dangle towards the ground. After another brief silence, my mind came to a conclusion. I remember how Mercury had handled the thing OTL.

"It doesn't do anything…" I finally stated as I let it drop from my hand. There was a small glass-like 'tink' as it hit the ground. Before anyone had even registered what I had done, I took an extra step and brought my foot down, a satisfying crunch coming from under my boot.

"…because it's broken."

"What are-!" Luna began in shock, bending down next to me. "I'm sure we could have used that for something."

"I've learned my lesson with magical crystals," I replied to Luna's comment. "We've got enough problems as it is without inviting more."

"But we could have used it," Luna's voice was still a bit weak, but her normal demeanor was returning as she tried to admonish my action.

"Then we'll use it in a hundred pieces," I stepped back, allowing Luna to start collecting the fragmented shards. "In one piece, it's too dangerous."

My stomach gurgling reminded me of our original goal today. Because of Happosai, I hadn't gotten but maybe two, three bites of food before the whole thing had been thrown on the floor. I doubt the steak would be any good with bits of gravel, and I really doubt the restaurant owner would let us back in anyway.

On the plus side, we never paid for the meal, so I guess the only thing lost was time.

Time…

I sighed. Time was a commodity right now. And we'd just lost half an hour to nonsense. Especially in my condition…

If I wanted to manage to get myself back into something resembling working order by the end of the day, we were going to have to step it up something fierce. As unpleasant as that sounded in my head, there really was no choice.

I guess instead of just relaxing through the day, I was going to have to make a to-do list.

…And before we could do anything, even EAT, there would have to be one thing at the top of the list.

"Shampoo," I turned to the Joketsuzoku. The small pool of blood had grown slightly and had followed her from spot A to spot B. "Let me see your hand."

Shampoo hid the offending limb, but Ranma beat her to a response.

"Cheh!" the currently female Saotome scoffed. "It's not like she's going to listen. If she won't listen to ME, what hope do you have?"

The arrogant comment only helped to raise my smoldering annoyance factor. My irritation gave me energy. Energy I desperately needed at this point.

"Unlike you," I began, working to find the right tone I needed, slowly settling on the fatherly tone I'd used on Usagi the day before. "I have one advantage that WILL get her to comply."

"Oh yeah?" Ranma seemed to almost take it as a challenge.

"She has to do what I say," I stated matter-of-factly.

Then with a deep breath, gathering all the annoyed energy I had left, I squared my shoulders, fixed my eyes, and projected all the paternal authority I could muster.

"Shampoo," I began in a deep baritone normally reserved for my drill sergeant impersonations. "Under the threat of your grandmother… Let me see your hand."

I waited a calculated amount of time and narrowed my eyes, dragging my tone even deeper.

"NOW."


	27. Batteries Not Included

* * *

**Chapter twenty seven: Batteries Not Included**

_"PHENOMENAL! COSMIC! POWER! Itty-bitty living space..."_

_\- Robin Williams as 'Genie', Aladdin_

* * *

 

"No wonder your grandmother's pulling this stunt," I growled down at the hand resting in front of me. "Getting you to do anything you don't want to do is like trying to have a debate with a tank."

"Is strong and intimidating?" Shampoo's voice returned with a bit of that cocky chirp she sported from time to time.

"More like you're impossible to move when you button down, and focus only on things directly in front of you," I countered. I admit, not the best snarky response in the world, but I'm finding it harder and harder to come up with anything really clever to throw back at her. It could be the fatigue, or all the crap in my system, or who-knows-what. But my creativity was drying up faster than a dish towel in the summer heat in Death Valley, California.

We'd been going at it for about an hour by this point. It was like a little game; A game to see who was more stubborn. Granted, when I threatened to 'tattle' on her if she didn't let me look at her hand, she complied like the old bat was breathing down her neck. But that didn't stop her from making me work for her compliance every step of the way since. About every third or fourth instruction she'd get 'uppity' and I'd have to refresh my threat/remind her who was in charge. It was mentally exhausting, and I was already worn out to begin with. That surge of energy I had felt from being annoyed earlier had long since worn off, leaving me sighing every other response.

Luna wasn't much help either at the moment. After that run in with Happosai, she'd lost a lot of her usual spunk. My little pep-talk and smashing that crystal had some effect in snapping her out of it. But she was still clearly in shock or something over how easily the old coot all but took her apart. She remained for the most part silent, save a sarcastic comment here and there. But it was devoid of her usual dry wit.

The melancholy air the catgirl gave off seemed to be a bit distracting for Shampoo as well. I'm not sure how or why, but at the moment I could say I was grateful. Shampoo had made no attempt to either latch on to me, or pine for Ranma. The latter of which was off taking advantage of the female body to try and rustle up some food.

Anyway long story short, Shampoo's hand had taken quite a nasty blow. The warrior had a piece of glass the size of a US half-dollar embedded firmly in the back. I'm pretty sure it had cut all the way to the bone. And the rate at which blood had been seeping from the wound was enough to make me cringe. Two seconds looking at it and I immediately called Washu.

"Make sure it's tight," the scientist crackled in my ear. "But not too tight. If the tips of her fingers start turning white, you've overdone it.

Good call on my part really. Washu immediately started giving me instructions on what to do and how to do it.

"I know," I replied. "I did learn at least that much in my first aid courses."

"Yes," Washu crackled back. "But I get the impression you haven't had to do this before."

"Me?" I replied. "Not directly… But there was this one time a friend of mine tried to slice his finger off cutting an onion. I had to tell him to take the tourniquet off while driving him to the hospital."

"I rest my case then," Washu continued. "Get the bandage tight, and check her fingers for discoloration. Once the bleeding's under control, she's going to need stitches. I trust you to be able to handle that."

I sighed. "Double back to see Doctor Tofu I guess."

"Local physician?" the scientist crackled in my ear.

"Yeah," I replied. "Martial arts doctor… however that works."

"It's probably for the best if you don't try and think about it," Washu advised. "I know it's been rough for you, so you'd probably be better off not trying to make sense of every little thing. Let me take care of that."

"It's hard not to though," I pointed out. "There's just something about how everything works. Everything I know of these worlds is based off a bunch of stories. It's fantasy, but it's real. Stuff that shouldn't happen by any stretch of rational logic has happened right in front of me."

"The cosmological conventions," the red head cracked.

"More than that," I found myself becoming distracted from the hand I was trying to bandage up. "The more I see happen, the more familiar everything becomes. There are events that I could speculate on the impossibility all day, but I see it happen anyway. There's stuff that happens that have no proper explanation that contradict even basic physics. Then somehow, the universe I'm in manages to twist things around and I get to see how it works. I can't just ignore it."

"Witnessing new connections between the laws of physics can do that to a person," Washu explained. "I know it's a bit confusing at times, but you're stressing yourself out. I need you to try and relax."

"I'm trying," I felt my tone shifting towards whiny. "But this is hard. I've..."

I paused, Shampoo was staring intently at me as was Luna. Without waiting for either of them to say a word, I gently set Shampoo's wrapped hand down, stood, and moved away from them before switching to English just to be sure.

"This is hard," I repeated, allowing my tone to crack. "It's like basic training all over again, but worse. Basic was controlled, it was safe. As much as it sucked, some part of me knew the sucking would stop at some point. But this..."

I heaved a ragged sigh and wiped my eyes. Of all the times…

"I don't know," I continued. I could feel the last few days coming back through the fog of exhaustion and pain. "This isn't like Basic. This is… I just don't know. I should be dead. I've been all but killed twice now. I don't know if its luck, or planning, or if I've got a convention of my own like… like the hero always wins or something. If I'm even the hero here… But I got hit hard enough to kill a man each time, but I'm still here. I'm still here…"

Silence on the other end. But the floodgates were open now.

"I'm scared," I continued, my voice now completely broken. "I'm afraid of opening my mouth and sticking my foot in it. I feel like the universes I'm in are just waiting for it, like some kind of predator. I'm afraid that at any second, I'm going to die like an animal. I won't get any last words, I won't get a dramatic moment of realization… I won't even get the world's smallest violin as a backing track. I'll just open my mouth, and POP! It's over. Because for once in my life Murphy's Law isn't just some silly superstition, it actually WORKS!"

I paused, finding the need to wipe my eyes. For a moment I wondered if Washu was still connected, but the low hiss of the dimensional channel indicated things were still working.

"Have you eaten?" Washu's voice was the softest it had been all week.

"No," I said at length before quickly adding. "And not for lack of trying either."

"You don't have to defend yourself," Washu's voice returned soothingly. "I know you well enough. You try. You try hard. Too hard even. If it were anyone else, I might suspect them, but I can tell from a universe away that you've taken everything seriously even if you can't comply like I want you to. So don't stress thinking I'm going to snap at you now of all times."

There was a brief pause before she continued.

"To be honest, you are the first to be caught up in something like this. My sisters and I have never come across this situation. We've weaved dimensions, mixed worlds, moved people about… But in all that time, never have we seen something so convoluted. You're below us, but somehow above us and yet beside us. And from the data I've gotten back so far, your astral pattern is linked to the girls you've woken up next to as if you belong in each of these universes when it's obvious you don't. So if you're feeling lost, you're not alone. I'm working on a theory with Tokimi now, but we're still collecting data. So far, you're doing fine. Now…"

Washu's tone changed again as she asked a question.

"Have you been getting angry lately?"

Angry? Only every five to ten minutes, depending on what god damned piece of the universe wants to take a crack at me nex-

Wow. Did I just-

"Yeah," I replied weakly.

"You're having mood swings," Washu continued in that soothing tone of hers. "Extreme mood swings. Which means you're probably suffering from a chemical imbalance in your brain… You need vitamins and nutrients. Malnutrition like that will only exacerbate the effects of the stress your body has been receiving. I know it's hard. And I know you're scared even when you're bottling it all up. I know how to read a person like you and no amount of pretending can hide it from me. The important thing is that you're doing just fine for the stress you've been under. You're torn up really bad at the moment, but it'll get better. I promise."

There was another pause. I felt the need to say something into the gap but couldn't think of anything that didn't sound really dumb in my head.

"You've got to try and relax," Washu continued. "I know you think you're responsible for the mess you're in and in some ways that might be true. But any living being, no matter how many dimensions we have dominion over, can only take so much. I haven't known you long enough to be able to tell how close to breaking you are, but I can tell you as an expert in the field of psychology that if you keep this up, you WILL break."

Washu's voice had slowly shifted towards a kind of firmness as she finished that last comment.

"So try and relax," she continued after another pause. "Unwind if you can. Take a break, even have a little fun if you can manage it. If it helps any at all, I'm not even going to hold you to finishing that manual. You've still got to eat, and you need to drink plenty of fluids. But at this point, all the stressing is going to do is make you snap."

"I wish," I shuddered. "But it's hard to relax with grand master martial artists adding DEATH THREATS to my never-ending list of shit to deal with."

"Death threats?" Washu's voice went from soothing to concerned. "What happened?"

"Run in with Happosai," I sighed. "Apparently he thinks I'm some kind of abomination and gave me a very clear warning. Try anything, and he'd… and I quote. 'Snuff me out himself."

"I don't like the sound of this guy," Washu's voice returned. "What's he like?"

How to describe Happosai in a nutshell… OH!

"Picture this," I began, feeling my anger coming back slowly. "Imagine a two, maybe three-foot tall man who looks to be over a hundred years old – no longevity enhancements."

"Okay," Washu almost seemed amused by the image. I wish I was.

"Now imagine this old coot is the most skilled martial artist on the planet in the field of martial arts sexual harassment."

Silence on the other end.

"One who specializes in the theft of ladies underwear," I continued. "And behaves like a total hypocrite without any form of remorse, and doesn't even bind himself to honor. Self-serving, egotistical, two-faced, and shameless."

There was a long pause before Washu spoke up.

"Sounds like a recipe for a total asshole," she crackled. "And how good a martial artist did you say he was?"

"I dunno…" I sighed as I relaxed a little and returned to the table. Shampoo and Luna fixed me with curious looks, but I ignored them and tried to remember where I was with the Joketsuzoku's injured hand. "He's a grand master of the aptly named 'Anything Goes' school of martial arts - which I'm sure he just made up – but he's got the skill to make it credible."

"How would you rank his ability?" Washu asked again.

"I'd say he'd give Yosho a serious run for his money in raw skill," I frowned.

There was a whistle on the other end.

"You'd never match him in your condition no matter how well armed you were," she continued. "I'd say the best thing for you to do is to cut your losses and get out of there as fast as you can. But I don't want you going to sleep in the state you're in. Not until the artificial recovery process slows down. How's your water intake? Are you keeping up with that?"

"Yeah," I replied. "I've managed that much."

"At least it's something," Washu crackled. "For now just stay out of this guy's way. I'm going to check with Sasami and see if we happen to have this manga- What did you say it was?"

"Ranma," I replied.

"I'm going to see if we have that manga lying around," Washu affirmed. "I want to get a feel for this Happosai character. But for now just stay well out of his way and don't give him any reason to 'snuff you out'. If he's half the scumbag you describe him as, then I doubt he'd lift a finger unless he sees a genuine threat in you. Got it?"

"Clearly," I pseudo-nodded.

"Good," Washu sounded satisfied. "Now give me to Luna and get that other girl's hand fixed."

I was quick to comply, pulling the 'crab tooth' from my ear and holding it out to the felis sapien. Paying her little heed as she stood up to step away from the table, I returned my focus to the hand I hadn't quite finished wrapping yet. Just a few more bindings to go and Shampoo would be able to hold up until we got a doctor to look at it.

I want to say that Washu's speech made me feel better. But in all honesty? It didn't. If anything, I felt miserable all of a sudden. It might just be the chemical imbalance in my brain talking, but I felt useless. Washu made it all sound so simple. Malnutrition, lack of sleep, stress, physical injuries… Everything that could possibly go wrong with the human body short of adding terminal cancer and a deadly infectious disease to the list. And the worst part was that keeping it under control was such a simple thing. It was something I should be perfectly able to manage on my own.

Twenty-four hours ago, I was preparing to introduce modern combat doctrine to a super villain the hard way. Now…

I was useless. At least it felt that way. It's hard to tell any more. Washu did say I was experiencing extreme mood swings. And given the way I've been swinging; Anger, to fear, to anger, then sadness… I can't really tell what's me, what's chemicals, or what mood I should really be in. Part of me just wanted to say 'fuck it' and start nuking shit. Another part of me just wanted to grab something, squeeze it, and bawl myself to sleep.

I've known for a while that I'd probably end up fucked up in the head, or at least well on my way to being fucked up. But hearing someone actually tell you that your mind is coming unglued…

How does one respond to that?

"Hey…"

Glad for a distraction, I snapped my glance up to see Shampoo's face. There were still some patches of dried blood on it from a few times where she'd wiped her hand off that we hadn't bothered to clean. At least not until I finished dressing her hand…

"You okay?"

The question almost sailed past me as I contemplated what we'd just been through less than an hour ago.

"Huh?" As usual, I'm a master at the art of conversation.

"You was crying," Shampoo commented. "Why?"

I replied... With silence. I tried to come up with a way to explain myself. But after a few seconds it became clear that I was taking too long to answer.

"Shampoo see kitty cry earlier," the warrior continued. "She understand why Luna cry… You strong then. Now you cry too. Why?"

Again I tried to come up with an answer, and again I couldn't think of anything. First thing I wanted to say was 'you wouldn't understand' but whatever semblance of logic was left in my brain vetoed that as the most cliche and easily circumvented response.

These were responses I avoided all my life because I knew they weren't true. I couldn't just say 'you wouldn't understand' because in all reality, she probably COULD understand. The real problem was, did 'I' understand?

I turned, facing the opposite way as best as I could manage, a sigh escaping me again. Yes, yes I did understand. I knew why I'd been crying. I'm not stupid enough not to know, even if I pretend I don't.

"I sorry for asking," Shampoo's voice seemed disappointed.

I laughed, once. It hurt, but I did.

"That-" I began slowly. "I think that's the first time you've apologized today and actually meant it beyond saving your own skin."

Silence.

Without any warning, either within my head, or to anyone who might have been watching, I turned in my seat to face the warrior. She had this look on her face of someone who'd just looked in the mirror and discovered they were covered in dog shit. I only had an instant to see it, but it was there for the blink of an eye before Shampoo hid it behind a neutral facade.

"Let me ask you a question," I stated. "When I appeared with Luna in your bed, what were you thinking?"

Shampoo blinked, surprised.

"I…" She began, then paused. "I think you crazy fool pervert like Happi, need smashing to teach lesson, maybe kill to warn others."

"Right," I 'fully body nodded'. "But you know I didn't do that on purpose."

"Shampoo know NOW," she quickly became defensive. "But not before. She just think pervert need smashing."

"And that's perfectly fair," I conceded. "That's who you are. If there's a nasty bug in your bed, you smash it. I might as well have been that bug."

Shampoo smiled for a moment, nodding that I seemed to understand what she was thinking.

"But…"

The happy smile faded.

"What about the other way around?" I asked. "What if you're me? What if you're the bug and someone else is there to smash you?"

"Shampoo fight back!" the girl's response was fast and explosive. Her fist came up and impacted in her hand, which she immediately regretted with a wince of pain.

"Good," I smirked. In response she smirked as well, feeling triumphant for getting the answer 'correct'. "So like me, you fight back, and you win."

"Of course," Shampoo got a little snooty. "Shampoo strong."

"What if you aren't strong?" I asked. Shampoo's snooty face faltered.

"What if you're weak?" I asked. "Then what?"

Shampoo paused.

"If Shampoo weak?" she asked more to herself than to me. "I- Shampoo doesn't know what she do if weak. She be happy to win if weak. But Shampoo never weak."

I let a hand motion speak rather than try to nod.

"So you win, and it's all good. But you might have lost."

"Scary thing to think Shampoo may lose if weak," the warrior filled in the blank. Then she took a deep breath and formed a stern front. "But Shampoo taught to be warrior and ignore fear. It make weakness even weaker."

"But you still have that fear?" I asked.

"Only crazy fool never have fear," she admitted. "Warrior never listen to fear, but fear is there. It good sign that warrior knows danger."

"I agree." Shampoo smiled again at my response. "So you ignore the fear, and you win."

"Yes," she nodded.

"But remember, you're me."

Shampoo frowned.

"So you've won once, right?"

"Yes," she nodded again.

"Now what if you try to go to sleep, and it happens again?"

"Shampoo fight back, ignoring fear," she snapped with pride. "Whether with fear, or weak. Shampoo not allow to be smash like bug."

"Right," I agreed. "Now, what if you try again, and it happens."

"Shampoo think it would be getting tiring if enemy not let her sleep," the Joketsuzoku frowned.

"But you still win?" I asked.

"Is good win then," she replied. "Maybe not so weak as thought if winning that much."

"So what if it happens again?"

Shampoo blinked.

"Again?" she asked.

"Again," I confirmed.

"Be very tired," Shampoo admitted.

"And again?" I continued.

"Is silly!" Shampoo laughed. "Shampoo keep fighting!"

"And again…" I continued. Shampoo opened her mouth to reply but I cut her off.

"And again… and again… and again… Never ceasing, never letting you rest. It keeps coming after you Shampoo. Like everyone keeps giving you the Joketsuzoku Kiss of Death. What are you going to do? What will you think?"

Shampoo didn't reply, stopping to think about it. The young warrior shifted in her spot twice before placing her elbow on the table and leaning into her hand in contemplation.

"Shampoo not know what to do," she began after a while. "She know she need rest, but also know that when she try to rest, she be attacked. Shampoo would maybe become afraid of resting, maybe go mad hoping it stop. She know that if she weak, the less rest she get, the more-"

I swear, it was like throwing an industrial high voltage switch to see her connect the dots. Complete with gigantic reverberating 'choom!' sound. Her face snapped up to mine, eyes wide in horror.

"… more afraid she going to make mistake of death."

Shampoo's mouth slowly went slack jawed, an unintelligible, half-whimpering chirp leaving it as she stared at me. Her eyes went up my body and then back down, taking in my 'condition' for what it really meant.

"I is you?" she stated in shock. "Is true? Not just story?"

I felt a tear roll down my cheek, nearly startling me.

"You was going mad," she continued. "Last time you was very strange!"

I could feel myself shaking now, trying not to let that one tear turn into a cascade, but failing. Somehow, I think I just managed to get through to Shampoo.

"You was crying," Shampoo continued into my thoughts… "Because you afraid all time… You so afraid."

"Shampoo," I cut her off. It was no use this time, and the tears came. I won't even try to pretend they didn't like I did with Washu. "I'm terrified. I'm afraid of everything. I'm afraid of you. I'm afraid of Happosai, I'm afraid of your grandmother… I'm afraid of myself. It's been two weeks, and it hasn't stopped."

"Is cruel!" she snapped. "Is fate worse than death to live life fearing death going mad! Is unfair! Shampoo kill self before-"

The warrior cut off abruptly, eyes glancing down and away.

"I would kill self…"

Shampoo slowly tilted back, rocking her chair slightly as the full weight of the situation hit home with her.

"You cry because you want it stop," her voice broke. "You always afraid, you not stop being afraid, and can't stop. Is torture. Horrible torture that make even strong warrior into little weak child… And Shampoo…"

She covered her face with her hands.

"Shampoo would give up before person she is thinking is weakling useless thing great grandmother punish her with."

Shampoo continued to stare at the ground in silence for some time, not so much as budging from where she'd planted her hands, even as the still slightly unfinished bandage leaked a drop of blood.

"Great Grandmother," she muttered the moment it hit the ground. "What you try to Teach Shampoo? Is important, but Shampoo not understand."

After another short pause, she looked up.

"Is you knowing?" she asked. "Shampoo not understand, but want to understand. Is important for warrior to know great many things."

"It could be anything," I felt so tired all of a sudden. Then again, crying always did take the wind out of my sails. Not to mention I wasn't exactly a bundle of energy to start with. "Your grandmother schemes with the big picture in mind. Whatever she's doing, it's because she can use it."

"Shampoo knows this," the girl across from me nodded. "Great Grandmother always thinking, always scheme. She look at little pieces like puzzle and move them around. Sometimes strange for Shampoo, sometimes annoys Shampoo. But Great Grandmother always seem to help."

Shampoo stood up and began to meander around her seat in a pattern that vaguely reminded me of someone who wanted to start pacing.

"If Great Grandmother helping," she continued. "Shampoo not understand how. She know I do anything for Ranma, so she threaten to make Shampoo marry you if failing task."

Worn out as I was, I found myself drawn to the young warrior's agitation.

"Is big punishment," she continued. "Much big punishment that Great Grandmother only use if Shampoo make big fool of self and not act like good warrior… Maybe punishment if Shampoo embarrass family."

Shampoo's meandering was almost like squirming. She leaned against her chair for a moment, then twisted before half-circling around it once. After a moment, she place herself half-way into position to do angled pushups off the back, but immediately stopped, favoring her partially bandaged hand.

"Ow…" she grunted. "Is hurting more than Shampoo thought. She try hard to protect but Happi very strong."

With that, she pulled her chair around and sat back down with a sigh, her head audibly thumping on the table as she slouched. For one long minute she just stared at the bandage on her hand before her eyes flitted up to me. There was an air of calculation to them the way her brow was furrowed.

"How punishment like this be helping?" she frowned. "Great Grandmother know Shampoo only do because of threat. Otherwise, I just leave alone."

I swear, I could HEAR the cogs turning as Shampoo continued to think out loud for my benefit. I could feel some envy building up watching as she stretched across the surface of the table, limber as all get-go while I was practically locked in place by my neck brace. That did nothing to improve my mood, causing me to emit an audible sigh.

"Maybe Shampoo been being too selfish," she sat up. "Maybe she not acting like warrior. Warrior protect village. Warrior make sure weak not hurt. Great Grandmother tell Shampoo to protect you like husband. Husband is part of village…"

Without warning, Shampoo pulled her chair in, sitting upright as she dropped her wrapped up hand in front of me.

"You fix?" she asked.

My eyes dropped to her hand then went back up to her face. I'd pretty much exhausted anything I felt I could possibly say.

"Shampoo need hand good if she going to protect," she continued. There was this look on her face now that reminded me somewhat of someone who'd been watching one of those guilt videos of children starving in Africa, begging you for your money. "You prove strength with torture sleep, but weak now. Shampoo's job is protect weak. It no matter what Great Grandmother say. Shampoo need protect you and help get strong again."

It's kind of strange when you're there, participating in a conversation in which the other person literally has the discussion as if you were responding the whole time. Glancing at her hand again, I noted the blood from her wound was soaking the bandage we'd used and it was going to need tightening to work.

Reaching out, I took the bandage again and made to tighten it. There was a sharp intake of air from the girl, but otherwise she didn't so much as flinch. I'd expected another complaint, but her usual banter didn't come.

After another few passes on the bandage, and a moment to re-remember how to tie a knot good enough to keep it secure, I let her hand go. However, before I could retract mine, she quickly grabbed it and gave it a squeeze.

"Shampoo sorry she treat you like crawly thing with many legs," she continued. "Is mean and selfish and you not deserving it with cruel sleep."

"It's fine," I tried to pull my hand away. "You're just being yo-"

"Is not fine," she firmly reprimanded me. My arm remained locked in her grip and there was no way in hell I was going to escape the level of strength she briefly used to maintain it. "Shampoo make up. You her village now, and Shampoo protect village. No more be scared. Is horrible thing."

We sat there for a while longer, my hand still in her grip as she stared- no… BORED into my eyes with this odd look on her face. And it made me hate myself. I hated myself, hated everything about myself. I hated how smart I knew I was, hated how I liked being independent and not having to rely on others. I hated how utterly weak I was by being the geek I'd been for years. I hated letting anyone see my weak side. And I hated how I somehow had this list of favorite characters in my head that put me into this mess in the first place.

But most of all I detested how all my screw-ups and flaws resulted in dragging them into this mess. For just a moment, I wanted to be someone else. Someone who didn't care if he looked weak in front of others, someone who didn't mind the emotional contact. I didn't want to be the guy with more emotional defensive walls than Minas Tirith. I just wanted to cry, and cry, and cry…

Because Shampoo just told me she cared.

And for some reason, that hurt.

"Please let go," I stated, my voice nearly a whisper.

Shampoo slowly complied and I turned my chair the best I could so I didn't have to look right at her. I felt wretched. I didn't want her sympathy, didn't NEED her sympathy. But at the same time, I just wanted to let it all go. Something to hug, someone to tell me it was going to be okay, and an excuse to chew on my fingers like when I was five.

Like I was five, and I'm supposed to be an adult.

An adult beaten to a bloody pulp, locked in a neck brace, and slowly dying of poisoning and starvation. Slowly going mad...

I fought to calm myself, breathing in deeply and exhaling, tears once more in the corners of my eyes as I did my best to lean into my hands. If only to keep my eyes off-

"You stop now."

Shampoo's hand landed on my shoulder as she sternly snapped at me, causing me to pull away reflexively.

"You no give up yet," the Joketsuzoku continued. "You keep going, no stop when hard. Is torture but you is making stronger. You will win. No cry no more."

"I agree with the crazy wall smashing warrior," a feminine voice interrupted. "That's enough moping out of you."

Ranma surprised the both of us when h- er.. she dropped a large plastic shopping bag on the table between us. Then, just as I was making to find the cursed fighter, someone slipped their arms under mine, and deftly hauled me out of my chair before wrapping them around me.

"What you need is a hug!" the identical replica of Megumi Hayashibara's voice continued in a chirpy tone. And then I was gently pulled in and pressed against something soft.

It took about a second for the entire logic to catch up with me. But I was being hugged against the breasts of a girl, who was a guy, who was doing his slash her best to act like a chirpy girl in order to cheer another guy up… So it was technically a guy giving another guy a hug, and not a girl, and yet the girl body was real, with real pheromones I couldn't detect having real effect on my very real hormones and my mind took one look at the mess and screamed for Emergency Deep.

"Let go-let go! LET GO!" I shouted in a near panic. "NOW!"

Ranma complied without argument, releasing me and allowing me to rapidly, and with many cold shudders, slip away from the warrior as he-slash-she started to laugh.

Once I had my footing, I turned around, my breath now coming in panicked gasps as I look at Ranma, still in… her female form. Which as skin crawly as it is, was very nice on the eyes.

"That's fucking CREEPY!" I huffed at 'her'. "In ALL the wrong ways... Don't EVER do that to a guy who knows your curse!"

"Aw," Ranma mock pouted, pursing 'her' lips for extra cuteness. "What's the matter? Don't like Ran-chan? You looked so sad and down in the dumps."

And then the young man turned disturbingly cute girl burst out in riotous laughter, almost choking for air after a moment.

"I'm serious," I wasn't laughing even if shampoo next to us was doing her best to suppress her own chirps behind her bandaged fist. "There is no word to describe just how DISTURBING that was!"

"HAH!" Ranma continued to laugh. "A bit TOO serious if you ask me. Lighten up!"

"Lighten up?" I snapped, my voice cracking slightly. "I'm half-way unhinged here and you're playing pranks on me! Do you WANT me to nuke your ass?!"

"Hey it worked right?" Ranma rolled 'her' eyes without registering my threat. "And besides, I doubt you could do anything before I stopped you."

I tried to shake my head, reminded by its inability to move that I hadn't left that neck brace.

"I-" I began. "You don't seem to get it. I have more firepower on me than most third world-"

My blood pressure caught up with me about then. Under normal conditions it wouldn't have bothered me. But in my current state, the spike of adrenaline and the subsequent drop had the entertaining effect bringing to life the sensation of walking up a hill falling backwards.

Whatever I had been saying was lost to me as the next thing I was able to realize was that Shampoo had my arm across her shoulder, helping me maintain my balance, and Ranma was in my face, his/her trollish grin replaced with a much more serious look.

"You still with me?" the fighter asked.

"Hu-Yeah," I blinked and took a deep breath as little white dots raced back and forth across my vision. "I'm okay. I think..."

"Okay," Ranma nodded. "I guess I'll lay off the jokes if you're going to try and pass out on us."

"Good idea," I blinked again, this time squeezing my eyes shut and making a grimace in order to shake off the vertigo.

"You bring food Ranma?" Shampoo asked. Her voice no longer laced with her 'buttering' tone, and straight up business-like.

"Yeah," Ranma nodded back to her. "Let's get some food into this guy."

Pork meat buns... Not exactly my kind of food, mainly because of the pork. It tends to disagree with me a lot. However, at this point I could probably almost stomach raw onions if it meant getting solid food into my system.

Almost...

I'm not quite that far gone yet.

Luna had seen my stumble and had wandered over again, worry etched on her features as she relayed questions from Washu on the other end of the line.

Once again, the order had been given:

EAT.

Between Luna's worried nagging, Shampoo's new found resolve, and Ranma showing some genuine concern that I wasn't exactly looking good after a near faint, I practically found one of the meat buns shoved into my hand and almost got force fed.

It was awkward, to say the least. Even more so than earlier when Shampoo had tried to pull the whole hand feeding stunt on me for attention. The three of them stared intently at me as I slowly built up momentum around the flavor of the pork bun. Before I knew it, I had practically gone right to military chow-hall speed: 'Eat now, taste later.'

"One down," Ranma announced as I finished the bun. There was the slightest look of awe on his/her face as I licked some of the salty sauce that had leaked out of it off my fingers.

My eyes tracked up. Ranma had the worst poker face I'd ever... Wait. He SUCKS at poker faces. He couldn't hide an emotion if his life depended on it.

"What?" I asked.

Ranma cocked 'her' head to the side.

"You're not related to any Frenchmen are you?" 'she' asked.

At the time, what he meant sailed right over my head.

"What?" I came back again.

Ranma blinked then leaned back, waving the comment away.

"Never mind."

Almost as quickly, the young fighter picked up another meat bun and dropped it in front of me.

"Bon apetite!" she stated, even if it sounded like horribly mangled Japan-o-French.

More awkward staring ensued. It just felt weird stuffing my face while they looked on. Honestly, if I could have eaten that second pork bun any faster, I would have been happy to make it vanish rather than feel like a child who's every move was being closely monitored.

"Two," Shampoo announced with a pleased nod, reaching out to set another in front of me. "You eat another and keep strong, yes?"

Okay, a moment ago I could have killed for a proper meal, but at the rate they were trying to stuff me, I'd probably end up sick. Like I said, my stomach and pork don't get along very well most days of the week. The last thing I needed right now would be to sour my stomach and end up vomiting up its contents and going right back to square one.

That and I didn't exactly have any desire to find out how such an act would go down with my neck locked in this brace. I'm in shitty shape, but against all odds I think I've managed to maintain some of my dignity in the face of everything.

At least up until this point.

I don't like to tempt Murphy. It seems he's real, he's probably watching my every move, and he doesn't like me.

Remember how I got myself into this mess? Someone kicked Murphy in the balls and I paid for it.

My musings a little less sophisticated than after the fact, I recalled that I wasn't the only one who needed something a little more substantial to eat. My human/feline companion was probably burning through as much energy as I was at this point. And after the number Happosai had managed to do on our previous meal, I knew Luna was probably just as hungry as I was.

"Alright," I stated in the best 'Nothing But Business' tone I could muster at this point. "Your turn."

I slid the garlic-shaped dumpling over, hoping there wouldn't be any fuss over the issue.

I should know better by now to think I'd get off that easily.

"What are you doing?" Luna frowned at me.

"Feeding you," I replied evenly.

"I'll be fine," Luna slid the dumpling back in front of me. "You need to eat, doctor's orders."

"I just had two," I retorted. "Take it."

"I said I'll be fine," Luna deflected. "You need the nutrients."

There was a brief pause before I picked the dumpling up and set it in front of her again.

"You're in your human form," I countered logically. "You have a metabolism like an Olympic athlete."

"And you have a metabolism like a REGENERATOR," Luna counter-countered with a steely gaze. The dumpling ended up in front of me again. "I can last a while still. I've gone hungry longer."

The dumpling slid back over to Luna.

"Not in human form you haven't," I frowned back. "You have no idea HOW long you'll last like this."

"I said I'll be fine," Luna pushed the dumpling towards me. "I'm pretty sure I can at LEAST last a day."

"Luna," I placed my good hand over my face for a moment. "You're being stubborn."

"I'M being stubborn?" her pitch went up. "I'm not the one disobeying the orders of a goddess!"

"Yeah, well she's not here!" I snapped back reflexively. Inwardly I winced because I'm pretty sure Washu was still on the line. The hesitation was enough to throw my train of thought off and allow Luna to cut in with another retort.

"It doesn't matter!" the felis sapien snapped. "Here or not! The instructions she gave you are for your OWN WELL BEING!"

"I DON'T CARE!" I all but exploded, causing not only Luna to jump back, but also Shampoo and Ranma as well. "Just eat the damn dumpling! That's all I'm asking of you!"

"Well I DO care!" she scowled angrily. "Honestly the way you shift your priorities like this I'm amazed we lasted the week!"

Our raised voices had drawn the attention of several people walking by. In particular a mother and her young daughter picked up their paces, trying to look like they hadn't heard a thing. Ranma and Shampoo in the mean time, had gone deathly quiet. But with my mind becoming fogged with anger again, I didn't care.

"Priorities?!" I heard my voice crack. "Do you have any idea what I'm trying to juggle here?! It's hard enough trying to STAY THE FUCK ALIVE in realities where a mere bitch slap can leave you a gooey mess! Try knowing that your mistakes can kill people! Try-"

"I'm fully aware of what you're going through," Luna interrupted. She'd spoke with a tone that sounded like a mother scolding a child. "I was THERE, remember? Which is why I'm trying to help you heal as quickly as you can. So you don't need to worry about silly things-"

"I'm trying to take care of you!" I cut her off this time.

"This could get messy," I heard Ranma mutter from somewhere behind me.

"Shampoo suggest they share?" Shampoo suggested. "Ranma brought many dumplings..."

That didn't really register at the time.

"I'm not a mere PET!" Luna declared imperiously. "Are you forgetting that part?"

"That's not what I mean and you know it!" I replied. I'm not even sure what we were arguing about any more. My desire to hit something was rapidly climbing, and I was beginning to notice I was mentally trying to find an escape route before my actions overrode my brain. In fact, I was fighting a lot of reflexive desires at that point. I wanted to call Luna several phrases insulting her intelligence on one hand, backhand her on another, and on I think one of my feet, the desire to grab the dumpling sitting next to us and physically stuff it down her throat.

Under just about any normal conditions, yes, these options would cross my mind but would quickly be dismissed as childish, petty, or just plain stupid. The mere fact that I actually caught myself tensing to follow through with one of those actions was testament to just how NOT normal conditions were.

Still, even if I'd caught myself, my self control was failing quickly.

"-and I have to make sure you don't do any more stupid things like turning into a trigger-happy psychopath!" Luna finished. In my moment of self reflection, I'd missed a good half of what she said. But that which I did register, the only thing I really 'heard' was the word 'stupid'.

And just like that, the petty part of me won over. If Luna could see inside my head, she would have realized that I was all but looking for any excuse to disable my restraint. I'll admit, it's petty. But deep down, sometimes the only thing that keeps me from being a complete and total dick is phrase I think about from an old movie called Top Gun.

'Do Not Fire Unless Fired Upon.'

And Luna, however indirectly, however accidentally, had managed to fire the first shot. At least, in my point of view it was the first shot.

"And who's fault was that?!" I practically pounced on the felis sapien verbally. "Who damn near got herself killed trying to jump a living fucking artillery piece with nothing more than angry words and her bare fists?! HUH?"

"I was trying to HELP YOU!" Luna countered.

"And you did a lousy job!" I snapped angrily. "I had a goddamned shot, and you fucking ruined it!"

'SMACK!'

It was wrong, it was insulting, and I knew it even before I'd hit the second 'and'. And the smack to the face I earned from Luna because of it was well deserved. But unlike most people who might have stood there looking dumb for several seconds, all the physical response did was push me further.

For a moment, I didn't feel pain as the chair I was sitting in flew out from under me. I must have had that same look on my face as when I scared the crap out of Naru. Because despite knowing she was technically several times stronger than me, Luna dumped over her own chair scrambling away from me, white as a sheet and her pupils dilated in fear.

I feel like an ass now after the fact, but I'm pretty sure that if it had only been the two of us, I probably would have done something excessively stupid even for my track record in the next few seconds.

Thankfully, intimidation was as far as that ever went. The rock-solid hand coming down on my bad shoulder sent a sobering spike of pain through me, jolting me away from doing... whatever animalistic behavior my nearly shut down brain was queuing up.

"Whoa, no no no..." fem-Ranma's voice quickly joined the orchestra of sensations as 'she' gently started pulling back on me. "You don't want to go through with that one. Relax man."

Another hand gently, but firmly landed on my other shoulder, all but making it impossible to move even if the impulse to attack had lasted more than an instant.

"You sit," Shampoo's voice left no room for argument as I felt the chair I'd previously knocked down touch the back of my knees. I allowed myself to flop down in it after a moment, only just noticing how much my breathing had picked up in that instant.

"Is good," Shampoo continued calmly.

In front of me, Luna slowly stood up, relaxing now the wind had gone out of my sails. I felt burned out again, so I simply relaxed into the seat I was in, resting against the neck brace as it reminded me of my miserable condition.

The catgirl's eyes darted sideways for a moment before she nodded as if answering someone. As I'd thought, she was still connected to Washu through the goddess' little crab-tooth. So odds were pretty good that she'd heard the entire exchange. Mentally I kicked myself as Luna pulled the device off her ear and reached out to hand it to me.

"For you," Luna said in a soft, seemingly pitying tone.

With a sigh, I accepted the device and slipped it over my ear.

"You finished?" Washu began almost immediately. My hand never left the side of my head.

"I know you're concerned," she continued. "But Luna's right. She can wait a little bit while you eat. Your metabolism is completely out of-"

'Click'.

Disconnected...

Just like that, I'd hung up on Washu. I was sick of it. Right? Wrong? I don't care. I didn't feel like talking to her anymore.

The more she prattled on about how messed up was becoming, the more trapped and helpless I felt. I know I'm messed up, goddammit. I was there, you know? Getting smacked by the Doduos knockoff? I'm well aware that half the bones in my upper body are busted, that my kidneys are stressed, my metabolism is locked in overdrive, and my brain is chemically unbalanced. How many times do I need to hear that? How many times do I need to be told to take it seriously when I already am? I could recite the instructions in my sleep at this point. Eat, drink water, shit, relax. Don't do anything, don't stress, just heal.

It's kind of hard to do that when one source of your stress refuses to take care of herself...

"Beedeedeep! Beedeedeep!"

I almost jumped when the call tone hammered right in my ear. I'd terminated the connection, but hadn't moved an inch.

"Beedeedeep! Beedeedeep!"

You know what? Fuck it.

I stood, removing the crab-tooth from my ear and turned towards the nearby road. A silent snarl coming from my throat, I hurled the ear piece into the street. It beeped a grand total of two more times before a passing market truck rendered it into an unidentifiable pile of debris.

After that, it was mercifully silent.

When I turned back to the table, Luna's face betrayed every ounce of shock she was feeling towards what I had just done. In hindsight, hanging up on a GODDESS and then trashing her only method of communications with you was NOT a smart move. But in this case, I think I was willing to accept the delayed punishment I had just earned myself in exchange for not having to listen to the condescending tone she'd fallen into.

Hell, maybe if I was lucky, that would piss Washu off enough to break her own rules on her nigh omnipotent powers and come get me.

If only I were that lucky...

Thirty seconds into being free of the inter dimensional phone and I had yet to suffer the wrath of the Choushin. Washu must have the patience of a saint. Damn...

"Why," I finally noticed Luna was speaking. "Why did you DO that?"

I looked back at the street for a moment, my impulse wearing off allowing my brain to finally get a chance to evaluate the stupidity of my actions.

According to intense analysis of all data collected in the last five minutes and cross referenced with historical data... Experts have concluded unanimously that my actions were, and I quote, 'Pretty Fucking Stupid'.

Please tell me The Dumb isn't slowly infecting me. Someone please tell me I'm not going to become that formulaic. It's just hormonal and chemical imbalances...

Right?

I'm not sure how long I stood there, staring at the ground up powder that used to be my earpiece lying there in the street. Maybe it was a few seconds, maybe a few hours. But somewhere in there, the adrenaline rush finally wore off from that moment of anger, and both my back and my arm had decided to chide me on my actions as well.

Absentmindedly I found my left arm coming up to massage the right just below the shoulder.

Stupid day.

Stupid me.

Stupid universe.

Turning back around to still find Luna fixing me with a look of pity, I sighed, sitting down in my chair, suppressing a groan if only to keep the three present from acting any more like mother hens.

"Why?" the catgirl repeated when I settled.

"Impulse," I couldn't shrug, but it was still the truth.

"Impulse..." she squeezed her eyes shut and looked away.

"I was angry," I continued, falling into my old habit of trying to explain my every thought before she could go anywhere with it. "I didn't want to hear her nag on me any more about my 'condition'."

My best attempt at air quotes ended up being my good hand coming off my shoulder for a moment.

"We're trying to help you..." Luna turned back to me sadly. I swear, she looked like she was about to start crying. That almost broke me. Luna was seriously that concerned if I was going to be okay?

Then it hit me, we were both so mule-headedly concerned about each other that it didn't even click.

If Bakane had managed to break one of my legs so it bent the wrong way, I could have kicked myself.

"Luna," I felt my hand leave my shoulder to cradle my face. "You know one of my problems is stress, right?"

"Yes," she nodded. The look on her face never faltered. "Washu said you need to-"

"I know," I cut her off, then lowered my voice when I realized I had hardened my tone. "I know. But that's hard to do when I keep stressing over taking care of you."

Luna sighed as if in exasperation.

"I told you," she shook her head. "You don't need to worry about me."

"Doesn't matter," I returned. "I'm going to worry about you anyway. I can't help it, and I can't stop it. It's just the way I am."

Luna said nothing.

"Now please," I took a long deep breath and continued in a partially pleading tone. "It would make me feel a whole lot better if you'd eat something. If you won't do it for yourself, at least do so knowing that will be one less thing for me to stress over."

Having spoken my thoughts, I just sat there and waited. Luna just continued to stare back as I glanced through my fingers. After a good minute of just continuing that sad, gut wrenching stare of hers, the facade finally cracked. Luna's features softened and a small, warm smile drew itself across her mouth.

"Okay..." she replied.

Like that, I felt every muscle in my body relax. That revealed nicely for me that my shoulders were now sore from the tension that had compounded things. But it was a good kind of sore even if it was overwhelmed by my headache and my protesting everything.

Luna reached over snatched up the pork meat bun. She made her best attempt to look dignified and 'not hungry' as she bit into it. But after a few seconds of chewing, her features visibly brightened and her pace accelerated quickly.

Within a few short moments, Luna had ravenously consumed the dumpling and was busy licking her fingers to get the small amount of filling that had fallen on them. I couldn't help but feel a certain level of humor at seeing this unfold and after a few moments failed to suppress a chuckle.

The chuckle felt good on an emotional level.

A slight giggle from behind me indicated it was contagious too.

"What?" Luna looked at us for a moment. I could see just a little bit of pink reach her cheeks.

I chuckled again, gently reaching out with my good arm to take hold of the catgirl by her shoulder and pulled her towards me, allowing me to wrap her in a hug.

"Thanks," I stated quietly. "I'm not the only one stuck in this mess. Remember, you count too."

I felt something touch my back, and after a moment realized Luna had reciprocated the hug.

"I-," she replied hesitantly. "Thank you... That means a lot."

I know I'm not one to be sappy, but honestly I could have sat like that for the rest of the day and would have been perfectly okay with it. Luna felt kind of like a warm, oversized plush pillow in my arms, and the way things were I had to resist the urge to tighten the hug to the point it started to crush her. But after a moment, the warm-fuzzies I was feeling in were interrupted by the sound of both Ranma and Shampoo letting out little 'daw' sounds behind me.

"Have something to say Ranma?" I snapped irritably.

"Nothing!" Ranma quickly replied.

Didn't think so...

"Shampoo think is very sweet," the Joketsuzoku warrior commented behind me.

Luna pushed away at that moment. I released her, allowing the felis sapien to back away with a slight blush still on her face. She took one long, slow breath before glancing around as if to see if we'd attracted undue attention. Personally, I was kind of happy I couldn't turn my head. If there WAS someone nearby staring, there was no way I could see them to feel embarrassed myself.

"What's up?" I heard Ranma's voice query and refocused my attention on the catgirl in front of me. Luna's face had scrunched up like she was concentrating. It almost reminded me of someone who'd been confused after reading a particularly technical science article and couldn't make heads or tails of it.

"Luna?" I began.

"SHH!" she snapped, then gently turned her head from side to side while resting her head on the table, wrapping her hand around a salt shaker. After a moment, she looked at me again.

"What?" I asked.

"Hush," she ordered and glanced around again. "It's..."

Luna paused mid-sentence, walking towards the road. Then without any warning, she turned and brought her arm around with a throw that would have put her firmly on the wish list of every baseball team on the planet.

There was a whistling sound as the salt shaker she'd taken shot past the rest of us, continuing on to hit something behind me with a loud metallic 'thack!', and a not so normal muted 'oof!'.

I turned as the noise turned into a series of small crashes to find the absurd, green jacketed demon god Senbei pushing himself off the ground.

"You bumbling buffoon!" the now all too familiar voice of Happosai announced from behind one of the tables further back. "You gave us away!"

"Like he needed to give you away with that disgusting smell of yours!" Luna spat from behind me. There was a choked sound from wherever the old man was hiding even as she continued. "Senbei! Where have you been?"

"I'll have you know I take a bath every day!" Happosai jumped out of hiding and on to a table. Almost immediately his look of outrage turned into a lecherous grin. "I'll even prove it to you if you want to joi-"

'THACK!'

'WHUD!'

"HAHA!" Ranma crowed as Happosai went down in a cloud of black dust. "NICE shot!"

"Thank you," Luna's voice returned as she walked into my field of vision. She had a look on her face that could murder Queen Beryl. "I still owed him for earlier."

"Errargh!" Happosai choked and spat as he climbed back to his feet behind the table. "Blech! Ptttuaaa! Seriously girl? PEPPER? Kids these days..."

"Oh, quit complainin' ya old man," Ranma countered. "You deserve that and more. Now why are you spying on us?"

Happosai spat a few more times trying to get the flavor out of his mouth before replying.

"I told you!" he snapped and pointed at me. "I was going to be watching that one! No telling what kind of problems a walking chi hole can cause around here!"

"I'll bet," Ranma's voice was full of sarcasm. "You're probably just sore he managed to smash your foot so easily! Now you're just looking for an excuse to hit him while he's down! You sick fre-"

"HOLD YOUR TONGUE BOY!" Happosai snarled. "I warned you before. If you don't want to listen..."

"Why should I listen to YOU?" Ranma retorted. "You're only ever in this sort of thing for yourself! You couldn't care less about anyone here, let alone a guy who's obviously not a threat to anything but your own disgusting ego!"

"I'm warning you Ranma," Happosai's voice wavered between rage and uncertainty.

"You're at a disadvantage this time old man!" Ranma snapped back. "Don't think I can't see you keeping off that foot."

"You WOULD try to take advantage of the injured," Happosai took a stab at Ranma's pride.

"What can I say?" Ranma didn't so much as flinch. "I'm well taught."

"You really are looking for a beating, aren't you boy?" Happosai's tone dropped any pretenses he had previously been using.

It was kind of like watching National Geographic. Specifically, an episode on bears or something. Ranma and Happosai were both dishing out threats to each other like a pair of angry grizzlies trying to size each other up. It was all show, but it was no less distracting to the people around us. Unlike earlier, I decided that my best course of action would be to try and ignore the old troublemaker and avoid any further involvement with his antics. Because the first time around had quickly turned into a mess with me smack dead in the middle.

Looking around for a quick 'escape', I noticed just how much attention the two had gathered with their posturing. That reminded me that there was what was most likely a martial arts cop in the area. If this escalated into an all out fight, there was no doubt he'd show up.

Given how things had turned out earlier, I don't think I wanted to be found right in the middle of a second round of property damage. Injured or not, the guy would start to wonder before long why I'm in the thick of it and that would lead to awkward questions. Awkward questions meant being detained, checked for ID, paperwork I didn't have... The whole shebang. Not something I needed...

Time to jump ship.

Ranma and Happosai were right in the middle of verbally picking at each other's current weaknesses when I suddenly stood from my spot (with only a minor sensation of light headedness) and grabbed the bag of dumplings.

My sudden movement was enough to give the two pause, but neither said anything as I politely shoved my chair in (it'll probably end up in a window anyway,) and made for the street.

"Ranma, I'm taking Shampoo back to Tofu's office," I announced, putting all my willpower in to ignoring Happosai. "Meet us there when you're finished."

"Kay!" Ranma chirped in a deceptively positive tone. He-er... she was probably happier being in his/her element of taking Happosai on anyway.

Don't think about the perverted asshole, don't think about him. It only pisses you off. And you are in no condition, OR POSITION, to succeed in round two.

I picked up my pace, surprising considering that my body still felt like a lead weight, but every step helped to get my blood flowing. Shampoo and Luna fell into step along side me, the former checking on the bandage I'd wrapped her hand in. Part of it had already bled through, but there wasn't much I could do about that aside from taking the time to apply pressure to the wound. Luckily, the injury looked nastier than it was and most of the blood Shampoo had been leaking for the last hour had been superficial.

Still, it could get infected.

Any excuse to get out of there faster..

"Ugh..." I heard Senbei's voice suddenly as he teleported onto my right shoulder. "For a cat, she throws really well."

I felt my fist clench and unclench as I resisted the urge to try and pluck the mini-god of misfortune off my shoulder and crush him. That might feel good for a moment, but I'd probably end up just hurting something else with the twist.

"Mind telling me just what the hell you were doing with Happosai?" I settled for asking him instead. Mind you, I only barely managed not snap at him as my anger spiked. God damn. Now that I was aware of it, I really could spot the problem.

A deep breath did wonders at that point.

"I was intrigued," Senbei spoke up. "The old man is VERY GOOD at taking wealth and spreading misfortune. I wanted to see how a mortal did it. His POWER is amazing despite not being such an amazing, and STUNNING god of Poverty and misfortune..."

God, he's in ego mode again. It must be some kind of power high or something.

"How much fortune did you guzzle?" I asked, slightly curious if the amount of fortune the demon god absorbed actually did anything.

"Actually not very much," Senbei immediately stopped being flamboyant. Okay, maybe he really is just a goof. "Most of the fortune he took went to himself."

"Happi very strong," Shampoo piped in. "He take all power for self and leave nothing for others."

"Tell me about it," Luna sighed in exasperation. "The little imp is a thousand times worse than Rei's grandfather in every way. I mean, for Serenity's sake, that 'battle aura' as you called it. It had more power in it than most monsters Usagi fought. How the heck does he produce it all?"

"Oh!" Senbei hovered off my shoulder and teleported over to Luna. "That is one thing I found. He doesn't generate much power."

"Cheh..." Luna made a face at the demon god floating in front of her. "You mean to tell me he didn't create that giant chi monstrosity?"

There was a loud crash up the street behind us, I resisted the urge to investigate the sound, as did the others, and quickly crossed the street. I could hear Ranma and Happosai's voices shouting over the din of traffic.

"No," Senbei corrected Luna. "He created his battle aura, but he did not make all that power. At least, he did not create it on the spot."

"What you say?" Shampoo frowned. "Happi like well?"

"Maybe," Senbei nodded. "I've not seen a human do it before, but he produces very little of his own power. Perhaps even none at all. Instead, he takes from around him and stores it. Lots of it."

"So..." I found myself cutting in. "Essentially if we wanted to beat Happosai in a stand-up fight, we'd have to effectively make him waste all his chi."

I paused deliberately.

"Essentially outlast him..." I finished and immediately moved on. "Not happening."

"Well," Luna shrugged next to me. "It's good to know anyway."

I rolled my eyes.

Right... We can't even stand our ground against a maniac like Happosai. Good luck out-lasting the chi reserves he probably has. The old man probably stores more power than a naval nuclear reactor. It doesn't matter if he does or does not produce his own. He's like some kind of living chi battery. All charged up he could last probably last so long tha- Wait, batteries?

I stopped so abruptly that Luna, who had at some point grabbed my arm stumbled and almost took me down with her.

"What th-" she began but quickly silenced herself. "What's the matter?"

"I'm fine," I answered automatically. Batteries? Energy STORAGE?

"Fuck... Of course," I muttered, bringing my hand up to my face. "It doesn't work without power. Nothing works without power. God damn, I'm so STUPID!"

"Fi- What?" Luna asked. "What doesn't work? Stupid?"

But I was ignoring her at that point, taking a few paces back. Once I was clear, I opened the portal.

"Luna," I asked. "Can you grab the glove for me?"

"Why would you-?" she began, then stopped, her eyes widening. Then she stepped forward, eyes narrowing.

"I know that face," she pointed at me. "That's the same face you had planning that demon act with Hild. The same face when you were coming up with that four-way plan at Hinata. And the same face you had before we started that fight with Kunzite."

Then she smirked.

"You know something, don't you?"

"Just a theory," I pseudo-shrugged in response. "Can you grab the glove?"

After a moment's hesitation, Luna nodded and reached into the portal, retrieving Jail Scaglietti's magic control glove. The same glove that'd blown a molten hole in an armored metal door and nearly killed a combat cyborg. The same glove that did nothing when I tried to show Washu, and later acted funny when it acted like an electrical short for magic.

I couldn't make heads or tails of the thing.

But then again, maybe I hadn't really sat down and tried to.

But now, suddenly, I had an idea. Past experience for anyone should warn them that me, plus ideas, equals something 'interesting' happening.

"Shampoo afraid she not understand," the Joketsuzoku commented as Luna helped my glove up my arm. "What is purpose of glove?"

"Power glove," I stated, looking at the back of it, and then the palm. It was plain and dark. "Or at least, it's supposed to be."

"It's done nothing but act up since you took it," Luna shook her head. "I suggest we stand back..."

At Luna's warning, Shampoo nodded and slowly backed up a few steps. As a result, I cast the catgirl a slightly annoyed look. Come on Luna, I know my plans suffer from me being only human, but I haven't blown us up...

Yet.

"Shampoo still not getting it..." the warrior frowned.

"Senbei?" I began. "Remember the 'Special Effects' we used?"

"Easily," the demon god seemed to take a moment to examine the back of his hand smugly. "Why?"

"Same thing, but just the energy, don't actually do anything with it." I answered.

Senbei gave me a confused look before shrugging and snapping his fingers. We stood there for about ten seconds in absolute silence before my lack of patience started to get the better of me.

"Well?" I asked.

Senbei just rolled his eyes, shaking his head.

"Mortals," he muttered, then spoke up. "I'm already doing it."

I blinked.

"Are you?"

"Yes," Senbei nodded. "You said not to do anything with it, so I'm not. I can't say I know what YOU are doing though."

If I could have shaken my head, I would have. Instead I chose to raise my arm and look at the glove. Almost immediately I noticed lines running along the back of the hand down the fingers. They were glowing blood red as if the whole thing was one big LED display.

I could feel a smile forming on my lips as I saw that. The last time those lines had glowed, I recall it was right after it 'shorted' touching Kunzite's attack. And before that...?

Before that I vaguely recalled the same nasty glowing effect right before I...

I felt a slight heave in my chest. I was chuckling- no; I was LAUGHING. It hurt a little, but felt so good at the same time. I was laughing at myself, at my own stupidity.

"Are you okay?" Luna asked in a worried tone.

"I-hi- I'm fine," I took my glasses off for a second and wiped my eyes. "It's just..."

I turned the glove around and showed Luna the glowing lines.

"I think I got it..."

The look of concern on the felis sapien's face changed to one of surprise.

"Got it?" she blinked. "The glove?"

"Ye-he-yeah," I laughed again. "It needs BATTERIES!"

I think Luna just about coughed up a hairball.

"B-BATTERIES?!" she nearly shouted.

I tried to nod, but the neck brace continued to do its job without remorse. Of course, it all makes sense now. All magical attacks require power. The glove is a Nanoha-Universe Device. That's Device with a capital 'D', mind you. It's not a gun, and it's not some kind of strange enchanted stick. It's a control computer; one made for assisting the mage in question in focusing and directing his power. The MAGE is the battery! And I'm not a mage! The reason it worked the first time was because Senbei, a fucking DEMON GOD, was saturating me with raw magical power!

And the thing's probably linked to the mind of the wearer... How? I don't know. But now that I think about it. When I unexpectedly cast 'venom', I was visualizing an explosion. And the glove decided to cast 'explosion' on my command.

I felt my grin grow wider as a new idea formed.

"Idea!" I snapped excitedly. "I think I can use it... I just"

Okay, a quick test. If this really is mind-linked to the user somehow, and seems to have a way around the whole Medium Transfer garbage (not that MTP ever stopped Washu or Hild...), then maybe if I imagine what I want...

I turned my hand over again, my shoulder still protesting but I was so excited that I hardly noticed. In the palm of my hand, I imagined a sphere, a glowing orb of light the size of a tennis ball. Nothing fancy, just a sphere of light. Irritatingly, nothing appeared to happen in my hand. I frowned. There had to be more to it.

"C'mon!" I growled at my arm in English. "Work you stupid thing! GLOW!"

What else was I doing when it cast that explosion? Incanting? I used completely made up gibberish from the Bastard OVA. The spell had nothing to do with the Nanoha universe...

Is it voice command? But then it would go off every time the caster said the wrong thing.

"Dammit..." I muttered. "So close."

So close I can taste it. What else makes this thing tick? The Doc. simply had to make hand mo-

Hand motions.

I closed my hand into a fist, focusing my mind on that same orb of light as before. Then I snapped my hand open, imagining the motion as if I were making a 'poof' gesture; almost like I was flicking a Zippo lighter.

"IGNITE!"

'CRACK!'

"WHOA SHIT!" I snapped in surprise and stumbled back as the palm of my hand flashed like a camera. Luna and Shampoo were on me in an instant, catching me before I could fall over. I could hear both of them asking me if I was alright, but for an instant the world was lost to me as I finally got a focus on the light that had yet to go away.

In the palm of my hand was a ball of white, tinged with a blue hue roughly the size of a tennis ball. It was like staring at a small, hundred-watt light bulb.

I continued to giggle like a deranged madman at the orb I'd just created, tightening my hand around it. I felt some resistance as I did so. But I didn't feel heat. The 'magic light' was somewhat solid. However it began to give way as I tightened my grip, before it blinked out suddenly.

"It-" I began. "It works..."

"He make light like chi..." Shampoo's voice hovered on the edge of my thoughts.

"Do it again," I heard Luna more clearly.

I snapped my hand in the same fashion, getting nothing for my effort. Okay, so it's not pure motion activation. That can lead to trouble as well. Which means it must be a combo. Which makes sense from a safety perspective. You have to visualize what you want, AND go through the right motion linked to the concept, perhaps even using a keyword for the incantation.

It's a safety key.

So you can't blow yourself up!

OF COURSE!

I visualized the sphere once more, getting a clear image of the tennis ball-sized orb again. And with a flick of my hand, I snapped what I had stated before.

"IGNITE!"

'CRACK!'

This time the flash didn't take me by surprise. But I did notice how my voice seemed to carry a reverb to it. However, it sounded like the sound had come from the glove itself. And I think I understood why. It was a confirmation feedback. Like a green light on a card reader door telling you that your authentication was cleared. The voice echo effect wasn't part of a spell, it was to tell you the spell was working.

"He do it..." I heard Shampoo mutter as I closed my fingers on the light orb again, bringing it up to eye level. It was bright, and the light actually was real. Closing my eyes for a moment I could see the blob of afterimage color behind my eyelids proving it Opening them again, I felt a certain giddy sense of achievement. I mean, it was a light spell... but it was a magic light spell.

...Holy Fuck!

It was a MAGIC light spell!

I started to laugh again. This time so bad that Luna actually took a step back.

I cast a MAGIC spell!

I can cast MAGIC!

MAGIC! FUCKERS! MAGIC!

My condition forced me to remember it about that moment as some sinus drainage caused me to cough and gag in the middle of laughing, but I could stop even as it made my ribs ache.

If I could cast light, and I already cast a lethal explosion... Then, shit!

"Senbei," I managed to choke out. "Turn up the juice!"

"Eh?" the demon god blinked. "More?"

I held my light orb up, feeling a bit silly and dramatic.

"MOAR POWAH!" I flamboyantly demanded in English.

Senbei laughed, just a short chuckle before snapping his fingers again. The orb visibly brightened, the glow casting shadows on the street around us and forcing me to turn it away. The energy going into it continued to rise and before long it was glowing bright as day. And still; I couldn't feel ANY heat in the palm of my hand.

"Thi-his is AWESOME!" I finally managed to blurt.

"You did it!" Luna was grinning. "You ACTUALLY went and did it! Do you know what this means?"

I was still choking out laughs as my mind turned to think about all the options I'd just opened up. If I could think it up, I could make it work! I just needed power. All this time I needed power. I could have saved us numerous headaches if I'd known that. Kunzite would have been a crater from the start. I could have put a shield between myself and Bakane had it come to that. I could have avoided this entire mess simply by not being nearly crippled. No mess, no encounter with Happosai...

My mind clicked over like the second hand on a clock rolling from 11:59 to midnight. I squeezed the orb in my hand, putting it out as I lowered my arm to my side stiffly. Spinning on my heel, I turned back to the ruckus being caused half a block behind us and began marching towards it with newly found purpose. As I did so, I continued to chuckle, barely in control of of my own breathing as I began to piece together an idea in my head.

I could cast 'explosion' in the form of Dark Schneider's spell, VENOM on accident. I could cast 'light orb' just by thinking about it. If I could think it, I could cast it. And having watched shows ranging from Bastard, to Ah My Goddess, to Slayers, and on and on and on... I had a potential arsenal of magic ranging from glorified tasers, to thermonuclear explosions. Beams, bolts, fireballs, homing projectiles, area attacks, flash-freezing... The possibilities had just become endless.

Maybe it was the elation getting to me. Maybe it was the power, or maybe I really was just that loopy. Hell, maybe it was all of the above, but I barely registered Luna and Shampoo asking me where I was going as my sights narrowed on the bouncing crimson form ahead of me. I picked a spell from my mind that should be simple enough.

I ordered Senbei to 'give me everything he could' and recalled the incantation in my mind.

The funniest thing about BASTARD, is that most, if not all the spells in the Anime or even the Manga were based on the names of metal bands or the people in them. So if the next part doesn't make sense... look it up.

"Dave Mu-STAINE!" I snarled, snapping my hand open. And nearly surprised myself when not only did my voice echo, but every window around me within probably a hundred feet shattered and dozens of pedestrians cringed and ducked to get away. However, I was so focused on what I was about to do that none of that mattered.

Just the asshole that needed adjusting in front of me.

The concussive report I had produced by starting the spell had caused both Happosai and Ranma to stop in their tracks. I made eye-contact with the old fart, earning me a deadly glare.

You don't like me Happi? You want something to fear? Know Fear, for he is me.

"Spirits of earth and air," I recited in English, seeing as I only know it in English. "HONOR the ancient pact and fulfill your destiny!"

I could feel the hair on the back of my neck rising as I brought my 'casting glove' up. And I remember the surprised look on Happosai's face as he felt what in retrospect was undoubtedly ME redirecting the entire magical force of a demon god right down my arm. Ranma had enough sense to bolt in the span of time between the incantation I had just recited, and what I would later come to call the 'trigger word'.

["MEGADETH!"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JJHz2cJclac&t=1s) I shouted. "HEAVEN AND EARTH EXPLODE!"

In that instant, I was the happiest man in the multiverse. Because I knew then and there why everyone wanted to be the wizard, or the sorcerer, or the mage, or whatever. There is nothing, NOTHING like the feeling you get when you take the laws of physics themselves, and make them your unmitigated BITCH.

And when I cast MEGADETH, I had just told the universe itself to explode the fuck out of Happosai.

And the universe said 'yes mastah', and exploded the fuck out of Happosai.


	28. The Spare

* * *

**Chapter twenty-eight: The Spare**

_"But you don't have to take my word for it."_

_\- LeVar Burton_

* * *

 

My impulse control is failing me. This much I'm certain of.

However...

I think it was worth it. If ever there came a time in my life where I would be asked if I regretted doing something, hitting Happosai with an explosive magical attack would not be one of them. Granted, I look back on the action and I'm fully aware that from my strategic standpoint that it was probably the worst move I could possibly make. But at the same time, anyone would have to admit I needed to vent my frustrations.

Let me tell you about how it felt to cast that spell.

It felt EMPOWERING.

If only for a moment, I was batting in the same league as the rest of the people I'd met. For once, we were playing by the same rules. Yeah, I know I've already managed to succeed against enormous odds thanks to a combination of a little wit and the right tools. But this was just different. All the other times, it's like I knew the rules, but played a different game with entirely different rules. Like I was a chess piece on a checker board and I still had to obey the movement rules of a Rook or something. From the perspective of the checkers players, I was weird, and moved in weirder ways.

But this time...

Suddenly my Rook could move diagonally like a Bishop, or a Queen, and I could jump that ONE irritating piece.

A piece who's name was Happosai.

Predictably, I felt none of the actual magical energy being transferred from Senbei into the glove, but I felt the shock- I should say, the recoil -when the spell left it. I never knew magic had physical recoil, but it almost threw me off my feet. It kicked like a backlash round.

Happosai never knew what hit him. I can't say for certain what exactly the spell I fired really was, but I was focused on an explosion, and an explosion is what I got. In the fraction of a second it took to cover the distance between myself and the diminutive pervert, I vaguely remember seeing something that looked like just a white blob. It grew in size the moment it left my hand like a rapidly expanding balloon. In all honesty, it seemed like my hand had become the muzzle of Mike. I was presented with the same deafening concussion and the same disorientation. And that was just the back-blast.

The explosion itself? Let's just put on the official record that using a magical attack defined as EXPLOSIVE at close range goes about as well as using bombs or missiles at the same distances.

The shockwave shattered windows and threw a cloud of debris high into the air. If I weren't so busy being blown off my feet I probably would have had time to muse about the similarities to the raging firefight with Kunzite the day before.

Luckily for me this time around, it seems that Ranma-styled fights in this area are common enough that people tend to simply clear out at the first sign of one. So aside from the property damage (which I think is covered by insurance policies), I'm pretty sure there were no casualties. Please tell me there were no (unintended) casualties...

Still, I made a mess. I feel kind of bad about it after the fact. Considering we WERE trying to get Shampoo to think a little more and be more discrete with her problem solving, having me turn around and muscle my way through a situation I should have just kept walking away from IS kind of hypocritical.

However, Ranma explained as we fled the scene of the crime (yes, I'm willing to admit that my actions there are probably downright criminal since I hadn't been defending myself. But at this point I'm neither in the mood, nor have the luxury of time for dealing with any form of due process), that if anyone rightly deserved a good exploding, it was Happosai. And I wholeheartedly agree.

But we left in a hurry either way. Happosai, amazingly enough, can apparently survive a direct hit from the equivalent to an air strike to the FACE. It must be his Chi reserves. At this time that's the only theory I have on it. Chi in this world is their magic, and Happosai can power a battle aura strong enough to intimidate just about anyone. So it's likely he can use it to block, or at least deflect high explosive force.

Whatever the excuse, one thing was for certain: He wasn't getting up for a while, and NONE of us wanted to be there when he finally did.

With that being said, we made a beeline for the Nekohanten as fast as we could.

Have you ever heard the term 'A convoy only goes as fast as the slowest ship'?

I have not recently forgotten my new found hatred for running. And having a body caught in the midst of the most hellish healing cycle known to man, the very act of doing so was every bit as excruciating as you would expect. I lost what little lunch I'd managed about half way back amidst a fit of coughs, and nearly blacked out from the spots in my vision at one point. If it weren't for the fact that Luna kept Ranma from just picking me up and going to the rooftops, I probably would have ended up back where I started in terms of neck injuries.

I'm not going to get into the details, but after ten horrible minutes that felt more like hours, I was sitting in the office of Nekohanten, downing a glass of water like I'd just been rescued from certain death in the Sahara while Cologne, somehow suspended from her walking stick like she always was, looked absolutely shocked.

"He looks worse than when he left" she gaped in amazement. "I didn't think it was physically possible to make someone in his condition any WORSE, but this..."

"He fine great grandmother!" Shampoo defended. "He only ate little of lunch, so only make small mess on sidewalk."

"He's pale as a sack of rice!" the matriarch snapped, pointing her wrinkly hand at my face. "I can understand if you decided killing him would prevent me from going through with my punishment. But if you're going to do so, at least FINISH the job!"

I'm not entirely sure even now if that was just a joke.

"Now wait just one Second!" Luna cut in. "I'll have you know we just-"

"I'm FINE!" I managed to gasp, interrupting the feline before she had a chance to make the argument worse. "You try keeping a dead sprint for ten minutes some time. You'll look like this too."

Cologne lowered her gaze from her granddaughter to meet mine even as I tried to divide my body between heavy breathing and another gulp of water. I nearly choked but managed not to cough it up. The old hag had a look on her face that seemed a bit to casual for her.

"In my youth, I could sprint for thirty minutes straight," she stated. The tone was almost mocking. "You're horribly out of shape."

I swallowed and glared.

"Yes," I agreed. "I AM out of shape... And beat up... And sick as a dog... Try it some time."

She gave me this look... A brief but obvious look something along the lines of 'you're swimming in the shark tank and taunting the shark'.

"I'm old," she croaked before raising her gaze back to Luna and Shampoo. It took several seconds before the depth of the retort struck home. Dammit... Walked right into that one.

"So what exactly happened that had him-" Cologne forewent the pointing of the stick for a curt nod towards me. "-running for ten minutes straight?"

I would have said 'Happosai' had I not already started chugging down another glass of water. However, Ranma proved this to be unneeded.

"We had a bit of a run-in with the old pervert," he stated in a casual tone.

"Happi?" Cologne frowned. "He's a disgusting fool, but that doesn't explain making this young man run in his condition."

"After what he DID to the geezer...?" Ranma's gaze turned half way between something I'd like to describe as 'deer in headlights' and 'What the Fuck'. Seeing that, Cologne dropped her gaze back to me.

"What did you do?" she asked sharply, almost coming across as anger.

I finished my gulp of water and took another breath. After a moment, I decided that trying to come up with longer versions of 'what happened' weren't going to work with my breathing.

"I blew him up," came out of my mouth before I even considered how it sounded.

For several seconds, the room was quiet save for the sound of my slowly relaxing breath rate. Cologne stared, her face not revealing any emotion. It wasn't until I decided to take another pull on my glass of water that she allowed herself a very visible blink, and cocked her head slightly.

"What?" she asked.

"He make big Chi explo-" Shampoo began. However, before she could finish, Cologne conked her on the head.

"Silence." she stated firmly without so much as breaking eye-contact with me. "Now, you did WHAT to Happi?"

I finished my swig, dancing spots in my vision all but gone by this point as I ran the sequence of events through my mind one more time.

"I blew him up," I concluded once more. There was no way around it. Once more, the giddy sensation of being able to cast an actual honest-to-god magic attack caught up with me. I felt my shoulders start to heave as I rediscovered the humor.

"I did," I managed to chuckle. "I blew his ass up. And I didn't even need a bomb!"

"How?" Cologne asked.

I couldn't resist. I really couldn't.

"Magic…" I waved my good hand mysteriously.

"I'm being serious," the old hag deadpanned.

"So am I," I coughed slightly. There might have been a partial laugh in it, but at this point I couldn't even tell. Cologne merely gave me one of her classic 'not amused' expressions.

"No! Really!" my other hand with the glove came up as I handed the glass I'd just emptied off to Luna. "I figured this glove out! It's an automated power amplifier and casting control computer… Or if you take the universe it came from, a Device."

"The glove?" Cologne tilted her head slightly and gave the power glove a sidelong glance. "Was it not broken and worthless?"

"No," Luna cut in. "Just powerless…"

"Turns out," I began after another swig from a fresh glass and another round of cough-chuckles. "The damn thing just needed batteries."

Cologne opened her mouth for a moment, then surprisingly, snapped it shut. Lowering herself from her stick, she hopped up on the table and lifted my arm up, gently examining the glove for a few moments. Far be it from me to ask what she intended to find, but after a short stint, she looked up at my face.

"The luck demon?" she asked.

"The luck demon," I verified.

Cologne let a smirk grace her features, and her shoulders began to heave slightly. The old hag started to emit a sound much like a wheeze before I realized she was laughing. After a moment, the sound evolved into a near mad cackle as she leaned against the office wall.

Luna spared a glance at me, a look of worry etched on her features. I replied silently with the best I could manage for a 'give it a moment' look.

Almost as if flicking a switch, Cologne ceased her ancient chortles and snapped a look at me again with, I don't know… 'Bedroom Eyes' doesn't sound like it should be the right kind of thing to describe the way the hag was looking at me. I almost felt my skin crawling.

"Clever boy," she cooed, which did nothing to lessen the aura of 'disturbing' she radiated at the moment. Unfortunately, my brain went there, if only for a second. Brains are wont to do that after all. It didn't like what it saw.

The train of thought must have been as easy to read on my face as a piece of paper, because the old ghoul sighed and turned away after a moment.

"Maybe eighty years ago," she muttered at the wall. ...Ew.

"Ew…" Shampoo chirped quietly-

'CRACK!'

-And earned a clubbing from the matriarch. Next lesson: Knowing when to keep your comments sub-vocal.

"Consider me impressed," Cologne continued after she'd leveled a glare at her granddaughter. "It is far from easy to land a blow on that pervert. He's deceptively spry for his age and even I have a hard time holding my own against his antics."

"He's not TOO hard to hit," Ranma cut in with a frown. "I've put him down enough times to know that one. If you know how to distract the old freak, he's an easy target."

"Maybe easy for you," Cologne turned her gaze to the still currently female Saotome. "However, you have trained your entire life and have benefited from Joketsuzoku training techniques. This young man-"

I found the crone's walking stick thrust inches away from my face.

"-is a slow, ungainly, borderline cripple."

The stick swung down to the floor and Cologne hoisted herself up on it. I'm still at a loss as to how she manages to remain balanced when her center of mass is sitting over open air.

"But despite these handicaps," she continued, "he managed to land an impressive blow on Happi. Credit should be granted where it is due. Now-"

Cologne turned and bounced a step, landing in front of Shampoo.

"I wish to know what exactly YOU were doing that this crippled young man was in a position to even get a blow in on Happosai."

"I-" Shampoo's eyes widened. The tone of the matriarch's voice, and the way she'd been acting. I smelled a blame-game coming. And even my sleep deprived, chemically addled brain could figure that one out.

"Oi! Don't go blaming her," I snapped before I even thought my response all the way through. "If it wasn't for her, you'd be picking porcelain splinters out of my skull with tweezers. Don't believe me? Check her hand out."

Cologne, who'd shot me a bit of an annoyed glare for interrupting, waited casually for a moment before turning back to her granddaughter. The matriarch said nothing, but held out a hand and gestured at Shampoo. The younger girl obediently raised her injured hand, revealing to Cologne the bloodstained bandage. After a moment of inspection the ghoul hissed in sympathy.

"I'm sorry I doubted you, little one," she stated in a more motherly tone. "Happosai doesn't normally play this rough with women."

"Is nothing," Shampoo blushed at her grandmother's change in tone and made to hide her injury. "Just small scratch…"

"Bullshit," I muttered over another gulp of water. The warrior was trying to pretend she was fine again, and after having gotten through to her once today, seeing her starting to act like that again was grating on my nerves. "Quit pretending with the tough-girl act and just admit it. A solid chunk of glass through the palm of your hand isn't 'scratch'. It's a trip to the emergency room."

I didn't know it was possible, but Cologne lost a bit of color as she shot me a look, then with all the delicacy of a pack of wolves over a kill, yanked Shampoo's arm up and unceremoniously pulled the bandage off. Several Chinese statements, no doubt choice phrases I could translate into Drilleese followed as she examined the horrendous, partially clotted mass dribbling blood down onto the ground.

"STUPID GIRL!" the Matriarch spat. "This isn't a scratch! Do you want to lose the use of your hand?!"

Cologne wasted no time in turning rapidly and fishing a first aid kit out from a cabinet next to her head. At the same time, she shouted in a voice surprisingly strong for someone her size.

"Mousse!" she all but roared. "Bring me a pot of boiling water, alcohol, and sewing thread! And don't pretend I didn't notice you! Be quick about it!"

"Uh," Ranma began. "Shouldn't she go to the hospital, or Doctor Tofu's? That's where we were starting to go when-"

"Sterilize, clean, and close," was what the hag responded with. "It is the same thing the hospital does and the same thing I've done a hundred times before. How long has this wound been open? When did she get it?"

It took me a moment to realize I was the one being spoken to.

"About… an hour, maybe two at this point?"

Cologne practically heaved an angry snort as she turned back to Shampoo.

"You should have told me about this FIRST," she snapped at the younger girl. "You're lucky the bone wasn't damaged… Not to mention lucky someone-" she looked up. "Who wrapped this?"

"I did," I stated matter-of-factly. Cologne turned for a moment, eyes lidded in chagrin before she snapped back to her task.

"Your knots are clumsy but you wrapped it nice and tight," she nodded. "It's adequate for a short period, but not for leaving alone. Infection kills many more than wounds alone. I'll teach you how to clean and close a wound later. Right now I must be swift."

Mousse returned with a stumble and a clatter, only barely keeping control of a steaming pot in one hand, and a bottle of rubbing alcohol in the other. I'm not going to ask how he managed to bring that water to a boil in thirty seconds, but hind sight suggests maybe it was kept around for 'cursed spring' reasons.

"Thread, needle, cotton, and fresh bandages," Cologne ordered as she deftly swept the items from the taller young man. Without missing a beat, Mousse turned on the ball of his foot and left the room again, not so much as a pause to acknowledge what she'd said.

"I need to disinfect now," Cologne turned towards Shampoo with the hot water in one hand, alcohol in the other. "This is going to hurt granddaughter. So I suggest you find something to bite on."

Shampoo gave her elder an indignant look.

"I take it," she frowned. "I get wound, I handle healing."

Cologne's arm twitched reflexively, as if rising to strike her granddaughter with her walking stick, but ceased upon the apparent recollection that the implement of percussive knowledge was out of reach.

"It is that attitude that got you into this mess in the first place," Cologne snapped back. "This will be a pain like no other. So do as I say! Find something to bite on, NOW!"

It must have been the tone of voice, because the younger Joketsuzoku bolted from the room in a blur. It didn't take long before she returned, rope in her good hand and Mousse in tow with the supplies he'd been ordered to bring. Cologne gave the both of them a stern look before pointing.

"SIT." came the command.

"You," she turned to Mousse, taking the supplies. "Out."

He was gone without a word.

"Miss Luna," she continued in a slightly (only slightly) more gentle voice. "I will need you to use that feline strength and hold my granddaughter down."

"I'll do my best," Luna shifted around behind Shampoo's chair and stood ready. The younger Chinese girl blinked slightly, the first signs of anxiety showing on her face as the precautions started to stack up.

"What about me?" Ranma asked. "Do you need me to do anything?"

"Hold her arm," the hag replied. "Once I begin, she must not move."

I won't deny I knew what was coming. The moment Cologne had mentioned 'something to bite into', I knew where this would go. And even though I should feel bad about thinking about it, I was mentally going 'glad it's you and not me'. As the trio around Shampoo took their positions, she placed the length of rope into her mouth and gently bit down on it, a look of mild fear showing up in her eyes. The hag inspected the injury once more, then made her move.

Hot water came first, and Shampoo narrowed her eyes and grit her teeth as the water flushed the wound. She let out a defiant growl that almost seemed to be a laugh around the rope.

"Don't be so cocky," Cologne began with a pause. "The real pain has yet to come..."

She inspected the freshly rinsed wound a for a moment, fresh blood now beginning to seep out of it. Then she picked up the alcohol and up-ended it.

All present were thankful for the rope stuffed into Shampoo's mouth. The moment the antiseptic fluid made contact, her eyes shot wide as saucers and her body jerked in place as a scream forced its way into the universe. The rope compressed as her jaw locked down, and despite Ranma's grip, her arm spasmed in place. Cologne merely looked on with a gaze as cool as ice as the initial shock passed.

After a moment, Shampoo finally recovered, breathing heavily around her gag.

"A minor scratch," the hag began. "A broken bone..."

She picked up the cotton and soaked more alcohol into it, then dabbed the wound. Shampoo's expression exploded into more muffled screams.

"Bruises and scars," the matriarch continued almost serenely. "Stings and welts..."

She stepped back and discarded her first cotton ball while waiting for her granddaughter to come down again.

"All but surface wounds," she poured more water over the wound, causing Shampoo to flinch.

"Things the Joketsuzoku brag about..."

She reached for the alcohol again. Shampoo's eyes widened.

"Things we claim prove how strong we are," the hag turned the bottle.

"How about evisceration?" she asked.

Alcohol hit the wound, Shampoo resumed screaming.

"How about disembowelment?" the hag raised her voice over it.

Cotton joined it; Shampoo jolted in place. The table jumped but with both Ranma and Luna there to hold her down, she went nowhere.

"Do you feel this pain, Granddaughter?" the matriarch continued. "I am but merely cleaning up after your foolishness. Its excruciating, is it not? The gentlest of touches, and this tiny hole in your hand reduces all that pride and strength to a sobbing mess."

That caught my attention, glancing at the matriarch who was lightly dabbing at the wound, then at Shampoo's face. Upon closer inspection, I saw something I thought I'd never see. There were tear streaks down the girl's cheeks and I suddenly realized her screams were less solid wails of agony, and more the jerking of one fighting back against the urge to cry.

"There is no shame in knowing your limits," the crone continued. "For as small a wound as this, it could cost you your hand, your arm, or even your life with little more than an infection. And the pain you feel here is nothing compared to them. And that in turn pales in comparison to a real injury."

The dabbing stopped, more water poured. Cologne didn't seem to care that she was making an ever larger mess with every move. The water spread the blood and alcohol across the table until it splattered on the floor.

"But if you wish to continue as bull-headed as you always have," she stated. "You can look forward to many more sessions like this. Now be ready, one more time-"

The next alcohol-induced scream of pain was weaker, but had no less effort behind it. Shampoo jerked her head to the side as her grandmother continued to probe and clean the wound, gasping around her gag like I had been from my run earlier. After a moment, we locked eyes, and I could see that look she'd only allowed out at the peak of our scuffle with Happosai.

She sat there for a moment, wincing as cotton probed her hand once more. But it was the way her breathing slowed down and an odd look seemed to come over her face as she stared at me. Then, all at once, she tilted her head, the expression of pain and fear begrudgingly being forced aside as she narrowed her eyes and redoubled her grit on her rope with a weak, but discernible growl.

"That's the way..." I heard Ranma quietly mutter. Must have been there before...

Cologne wrapped up the initial cleaning and quickly shifted into to closing the wound. With a skill born from years of... Well, whatever Cologne had done in nearly a century or more, she deftly threaded a freshly sanitized needle and began to sew the hole shut. Shampoo bit back more screams when she realized the needle had also been treated with alcohol.

"A lesson, Granddaughter," Cologne began after a period of relative silence. "Many are the obstacles in life you can smash. But many more are the pieces that will pepper you when you do. And as you've discovered today, sometimes those pieces can still cut you after the fact. Sometimes the pieces can even hurt you more than the obstacle itself. Do you understand?"

The only response from the younger warrior was her borderline hyperventilating gasps around the rope she was now clearly chewing a gouge into. However she did incline her head as if barely starting to nod.

"Very good," Cologne graced her granddaughter with a nod of her own. "A little forethought ahead of time saves a lot of pain later. And while you may not think about it, your hands are the second greatest tools on your body. The loss of just one can be devastating."

"Amen," I blurted in agreement. That earned a confused glance from Ranma and Shampoo, but Cologne just let a smirk grace her features while she began another round of cleansing around the now sealed wound. Another few minutes of cleaning and dressing the wound passed while Shampoo's breathing slowly returned to normal. She still winced here and there, but for the most part it seemed pretty much over. With one final tug and a pained grunt from her granddaughter, Cologne finished, allowing the younger Joketsuzoku to spit the rope out. As a minor note I'll say this: That rope was done.

"Keep it dry," Cologne ordered. "Though honestly, with the curse really you should just clean it gently and frequently every time you get wet. And for heaven's sake, don't punch a wall with that hand for a few days or we'll be having another 'talk' like this one."

Shampoo allowed herself to visibly blanch, a pained smile on her face as she nodded in understanding of her Grandmother's warning.

"Now," the hag continued, turning to me. "How about that cut on your forehead?"

You know, I think I'll-

"Pass," I deadpanned. Cologne chuckled.

"Suit yourself."

"Remind me not to get any injuries," Luna commented. A slight turn allowed me to view just how much the color had drained from her face. "That looked more painful than the actual injury, if that were possible."

"I'm not a doctor like Tofu is," Cologne replied curtly. "But what I've learned in my years is what works, if horribly crude. A few minutes of agonizing pain is well worth not losing one's limbs or life."

"Agreed," Luna nodded solemnly. "Speaking of agony… How bad do you think that blast hurt Happosai?"

"Meh," Cologne turned, grabbing a set of paper towels Mousse had returned with. "Back when we were younger, this happened all the time. A quick nap and he'll be as… Active-"

The hag visibly shuddered…

"- As always."

Luna's face dropped.

"Damn…" came a near breathless English curse from the Felis Sapien. Cologne cackled quietly at the response.

"Taking foreign languages I see…"

"It might help me in the future," Luna shrugged in return.

"Yeah…" I interjected slowly before moving on. "Luna's question has me wondering though. About how long do you think before Happosai's on his feet? I just blew his ass up with a military grade attack spell. And if he hasn't decided I need to be exterminated on principle already…"

I really shouldn't have let whimsy control me like that.

"I could try to hide you," Cologne tapped her chin. "But no doubt Happi will guess where you are. If he's actually out for blood, then even I won't be able to stop him."

"Maybe pervert Happi get caught by strange strong cop," Shampoo chose that moment to join the conversation, her voice now tired from her ordeal. "He not much liking fight first time with all stuff we breaking."

I felt my headache coming on strong again all of a sudden.

"Oh no…" I all but growled under my breath. "THAT guy… shit."

Cologne glanced between us as Luna and Ranma joined me in an all but verbal groan.

"Something else I should know about?" the matriarch asked.

"Some crazy police officer," Ranma shook his head. "He wasn't exactly a happy camper when he interrupted our little skirmish the first time. He's probably all kinds of pissed if he's found out about the second fight and cripple-guy-here's magic bomb attack."

Ranma finished by shaking his/her head again and pointing at me. Cologne's features pursed up for a moment.

"Strange," she spoke at length. "Normally the police leave us well enough alone."

"This is no normal cop," I informed her. "This is some kind of strange Kung Fu super-cop. If you believe me about the other things that are going on with the universe hopping, believe me now when I say this world finds ways to make anything work as a martial art."

"If that's true," Cologne frowned. "How strong do you think he is?"

"He scare Happi," Shampoo interrupted. "Ignore battle aura and-"

"Ignored Happosai's battle aura?" the hag interrupted her granddaughter, wide eyed before she turned to me, her own well-mastered dialect faltering for a split second. "Is true?"

"Yeah," I felt a sudden surge of fresh adrenaline at Cologne's response. "The guy was cool as ice for the situation. In this kind of setting that means he's either an idiot, or strong as all fuck… Pardon the language."

The hag waved away my swear.

"But yeah," I continued. "The guy didn't strike me as a moron. He was too in control from the start."

"He also didn't waste any movement," Luna pointed out suddenly. "I've seen that body language before. Everything he was doing was a measured action."

"Pi!" Cologne snarled under her breath, then raised her voice as she continued. "He's a master, there's no doubt about it. If he's responded to the second fight and that explosion you caused, you can bet he'll be wanting answers."

Luna chose that moment to snark.

"What is it with you, explosions, and attracting authorities?" she asked. In response, I could only sputter incoherently for a moment before settling on the best attempt at shaking my head that I could muster in a neck brace.

It was Ranma who seemed to have a bit of humor in him... her -I'm REALLY getting tired of having to assess my pronouns every five seconds...

"I don't know," the dual-gendered martial artist shrugged. "It's like a law of nature or something. They cause everything to move away from them really fast, except cops. They're like cop-gravity..."

"Shampoo wish they have stronger grav-tee then," said female replied. "Cops not fall on Happi nearly fast enough when he use fire burst technique."

My mouth opened to bring a retort of my own to the humor of the moment, but it died when Shampoo's statement fully processed.

"Since when did you know physics?" my mouth overrode my ass once more. In response, Shampoo 'hmphed' and crossed her arms while Cologne chortled at my surprise.

"We're a centuries old clan of warriors hidden deep in the hills and jungles," the hag smirked. "But we're not stupid."

There was a pause as Cologne looked out of the room for a moment, then smirked.

"Well, most of us."

Humor had, Cologne's expression shifted towards grim once more as she continued.

"But that won't mean anything if this officer you speak of is already out looking for you... Especially if he finds you in here. I won't bore you with details, but Shampoo, Mousse, and myself are from China, and this is the heart of Japan. The passports I secured to get us here weren't cheap, and petty grievances take longer to heal than I've had years on this planet. With the kind of trouble you've caused, being caught here with us would be more than just a problem for you."

"Wait," Ranma cut in, "You're not just going to kick him out are you? That's-"

Anything else he wished to add was silenced when Cologne treated him to a similar concussive punishment as her granddaughter.

"I'm jaded," she frowned. "Not heartless."

"Could have fooled me at times," Ranma grumbled while massaging a growing lump on his noggin.

"Hmmm..." Cologne intoned. "Indeed, but no matter. This is serious. Happosai's going to be on the warpath, and I'm certain there will be a formidable officer of the law on my doorstep within' the hour. Knowing your luck, Son-in-law, both at the same time."

Ranma snorted as if to say 'typical' before voicing the question now on everyone's mind.

"So what do we do with him?" the martial artist asked as he glanced at me. "No offense, but you're kind of a lame duck at the moment. I'm no doctor, but you started the day out as a wreck, and I don't think running is your thing."

I opened my mouth to voice my thoughts, but Cologne was faster.

"It's simple, really," the hag nodded. "He needs to go some place that neither Happi, nor this policeman can follow."

There was a pause as she cast me a sly smirk. She means world-hop, doesn't she? I mean, it's not rocket science. Just...

"Please tell me you're not going to try that little neck-hit-thing you did last time again..." It was a request more than a query when I said it. Cologne cackled in minor humor once more before giving me a soft, rather warm look of pity.

"Considering the neck brace you wear and your physical condition," she began. "I'd have to strike you hard enough to snap your neck just to be felt-"

The collective blanch by all other parties present reflected my grimace perfectly.

"-and I'm sure you'd object to being paralyzed from the neck down."

"Or killed," Luna muttered.

"He could achieve that by going back out to fight Happi," Cologne smirked. "But no, at this point I have no desire to see his body suffer more trauma. For services rendered to the clan this day, he deserves better."

"So you're going to drug me then," I concluded. After all, its the only option that made sense. However, Cologne gave me a look like I'd grown a third head. Never mind a second...

"In your condition, further meddling would be ill-advised," she stated bluntly. "Your body doesn't need more chemicals seeing as it can barely handle what it has to begin with."

With a deceptively labored-looking scuttle, the matriarch motioned for us to follow her from the office over to the kitchen. Mousse looked was busy tending to a large stock pot, likely in preparation for evening meals. Though, he did shoot a few glances at us. I'm not the best to tell, and it's actually kind of difficult to see through those glasses he had, but I'm certain the guy was giving me a slight stink-eye.

"What you need is food," Cologne continued with her train of thought despite mine going another direction. Another little bounce from her that I could swear I heard the rising squeak from, and she stood on the counter. Part of my mind that was wont for tangents screamed about dirty shoes on a food preparation surface, but I kept that thought to myself.

"Prepare an additional large batch of noodles," she instructed the man-duck. "Our guest has earned himself a meal as I'm sure you've no-doubt heard."

Mousse contemplated her instructions for a moment, giving me an actual stare that allowed me to see through, or rather, NOT see through the lenses of his glasses. I know I'm not one to talk, but jeeze, I thought my prescription was intense. At least you can see my eyes through mine. The 'swirly-lense' might be a for the sake of simple animation, but I couldn't even make out his pupils with the distortion his glasses created. It's no wonder the running gag is that he can't even identify a person standing next to him without his glasses. He's got to be legally blind. Or if not, it wouldn't take long pass that judgment from any given optometrist.

"Of course," his voice broke me out of my rumination. I was staring, and upon realizing that quickly found something else to take in. Like how small the kitchen actually was in this place. I never quite processed that fact last time. I was either too tired, or too doped up on Cologne's moonshine-Ritalin recipe to notice.

Probably both.

"Great Granddaughter, Ms. Luna," Cologne continued instructions. "I would like you two to clean up our little mess. We all know how the inspectors frown on bodily fluids near food. And I don't need that hanging over our head if and when our next expected guest arrives."

Both the warrior and the catgirl nodded, turning to find paper towels.

"And remember to use your good hand," Cologne added. "I'm only going to say it once."

Turning back, the crone's attention was brought to the last person in the room aside from myself.

"You look like you have something for me too," Ranma crossed 'her' arms and gave a wry smirk. Cologne contemplated her for a few seconds before pointing to the exit.

"Go, son-in-law" she instructed. "I believe you should return to the school before your obligations there pile up. While your help is most appreciated, the trouble that may be coming is trouble best avoided. Make use of your father's wisdom-"

Ranma scoffed. 'Genma' and 'Wisdom' were two subjects that didn't really belong in the same sentence.

"-And run away for now."

Ranma nodded, turning reluctantly to leave. But not before stopping and punching me on my (thankfully good) shoulder.

"Hey," 'she' commented. "Anyone willing to blast that pervert's okay in my book. Stay in one piece. I want to hear about the next round of crazy story when you get back here."

I shuddered like ice had been dumped down the back of my shirt. Oh the implications involved in that statement... This whole world-hopping, crazy loop mess. How many worlds were in this sequence of events? I still had, what, at least two more destinations? There was one I also slept through, right? I still have to go back to-

My eyes closed and I groaned. I had to go face HILD next, didn't I? And after I figure out whatever mess that ended up being, I'd have to still face down a dozen angry cyborg girls and their mad-scientist father of sorts in order to save Rei and her world...

Can- Can I just borrow Ranma for a while? Not Ranma himself; ALL of Ranma. Just throw a small army of unstoppable superhuman martial-arts crazies at The Numbers and let that mess sort itself out while I skulk about in the shadows. Even with this suit, even with some of Senbei's tricks and a new understanding of my magical little toy, there's no flippin' way I'm going to strong arm a rogue magical special forces unit. The very idea of-

"Hey!"

A slap on the back knocked the air out of my lungs. I spent the next few moments bemoaning the my life in pained coughs as Ranma spoke again.

"Just focus on what's in front of you and stay in one piece," 'she' advised. I wanted to snap right about then about how smacking a guy with broken ribs in the back wasn't conducive to staying in one piece, but words failed me for obvious reasons.

"That's how I kept my head during Pop's training. Don't worry about the big picture. Just-"

"Ranma," Cologne's voice interrupted.

A loud, 'clonk' and a pained 'OW!' sounded as I turned to blink the pain-induced tears out of my eyes. Ranma was rubbing 'her' head with Cologne scowling slightly, walking stick at the high-ready.

"A reminder that he too is injured," she snorted. "Use this pain in memory later to mind your choice of contact."

"Ow... Jeez old hag," the Saotome grumbled. "You could have just said something."

"Yes," said hag cracked a small grin. "But that doesn't stick nearly as well when it comes to you, does it?"

Ranma 'heh'ed before lowering 'her' hand and returning with an equal smirk.

"Yeah, I guess it doesn't. Later!"

And with that, the Saotome bolted. I would make a witty comment on the speed of said departure, but I'm honestly not feeling it at this point.

"Now," Cologne continued as she turned to me. "Since that's settled..."

Her statement was left hanging in the air for a moment as she dropped herself back down to the floor and waddled towards the stairs in the back of the shop.

"Come with me."

There wasn't a reason NOT to comply, so I followed her up the stairs.

The last time I was here, I think I was up here for about two, maybe three minutes before I'd been led down into the shop proper. Still, I recognized the layout vaguely, including the bathroom where I'd hit Shampoo with water from the sink. Only now did I realize how utterly cramped the place was. I'm actually amazed I managed any kind of head start last time. What I felt was barreling down a hall had to be three, maybe four steps between the door to Shampoo's room, and afore mentioned bathroom.

"In here," Cologne indicated a room. It only took a second once I was inside to recognize it was hers. The hag shut the door behind us before she wandered over to a small box and began digging through it.

"I'll cut straight to the point," she shot over her shoulder... Then paused and turned a little more. "Sit."

I sat.

"As I was saying," she continued digging in the box. "I'm going to cut straight to the point. No use wasting our time with this: What do you think of my granddaughter?"

…

Fuck.

"I'm sorry?" I asked. I barely registered I'd said that, but almost before she finished her question, my tired brain started screaming warning sirens. There are certain leading questions in the world that have very obvious implications no matter how delicately you ask them.

"I said: What do you think of my granddaughter?" she turned around and placed both her hands behind her back in classic 'grandmaster' style. Her gaze was cool and nothing in her tone was threatening. She really was just cutting straight to the point.

Needless to say, I felt the sudden strong urge to deflect the question.

"And... Why do you want to know?" I started slowly. Cologne continued to gaze at me for a second before turning back to her box.

"No reason in particular," she stated casually. I was of two minds of that response. Part of me let out a breath I didn't realize I started holding. The other immediately shouted 'BULLSHIT!' internally.

"It's just..."

GOD DAMMIT!

"I've never seen Shampoo act like that before," the hag continued. "Not the indignant, proud, bull-headed manner, mind you. Rather..."

There was a clatter of metallic objects and the matriarch muttered in annoyance for a second.

"Rather I've never seen her ignore Ranma before in all the time we've been here," she finished.

Cologne left it at that for the moment and all but pitched herself into the box, digging at it like crazy for several seconds.

"I'm going to have to sort this..." she grumbled. "Dammit Ling-Ling. You threw everything in one box again."

Cologne stood up and stepped back, glaring at the box for a moment. Then with absolutely no fanfare, kicked the box over. Immediately it spilled out hundreds of gemstones, gold trinkets, and other various odd but obviously expensive and exotic knick knacks.

"Not here..." she furrowed her brow for a moment after examining the pile. "What did I..."

The hag turned with a jerk, hopping over to a wicker dresser, pulling the top drawer and fiddling through it.

"She never ignores Ranma," she continued just when I thought she'd distracted herself with her search. "At least, she never waits very long to start doting on him. But when you returned... Look."

Cologne suddenly snapped around, taking up the grandmaster pose again as she waddled deliberately up to me.

"You and I both know that my granddaughter is about as single-minded as they come," she stated coldly. "I possess no delusions to believe otherwise. So imagine my surprise to see her race into the kitchen to grab you a glass of water the moment you four came through that door."

Cologne fixed me with a much more stern gaze before after she said this. For her size, she could definitely pull off a certain amount of intimidating.

"There are other tells," she continued. "Something happened when she glanced at you while I cleaned up her little accident. No sooner does that happen then her determination goes through the roof. I felt it. So I know it's not simply her panic to comply with my demands... You did something."

Cologne narrowed her eyes dangerously at me, sending a shiver up my spine.

"Didn't you?"

Okay... Urge to panic, rising. That accusatory tone would have the hairs on the back of my neck on end if it weren't flattened under a brace. The last thing I wanted or needed right now was to have BOTH of the 'Old Masters' pissed off at me. Especially when I was bound to show up next to the granddaughter of one of them in a week.

"I..." I began. My mind was racing to build an explanation up from scratch. My tendency to babble and over elaborate when nervous quickly making me fudge what should have been a simple, easy answer.

"...Might have gotten a bit of, sympathy? From her after our, first, encounter with Happosai."

It was delivered slowly and with a bit of a pause in places for word selection. Cologne was hammering me with this look that you'd get from a parent making a child squirm.

"Sympathy?" she barked suddenly, causing me to jump. "You got sympathy from, and think about this, the girl who's sole obsession is Ranma. Mind you, I approve of that obsession for obvious reasons, but sometimes she worries me... Not as much as that Kuno woman, but THAT is one mess I'm not going to touch."

And with no warning, Cologne turned away again, fishing through the drawer again before pulling out another.

"Where could I have put it-" she began again. Then suddenly, she stopped.

"Of course..."

Our conversation remained solidly on pause for about another minute or so as the crone scuttled over to a vanity (a rather fancy one at that) on the other side of the room. There she opened up a small jewelry box and began going through it's contents. During that time, I found myself inspecting her room in further detail. For the most part, I would say it more or less matched what one could perceive as an Eastern Style Room, complete with a traditional futon. Though, for someone who had only just recently relocated to Tokyo from China, she had some surprisingly large pieces of ornate furniture. Like the vanity...

I guess when Cologne decides to set up shop, she goes all the way. It makes me wonder if the furnishings were made locally, or if she had them delivered, or brought them with her... Never mind how much that must have cost. Actually, how much money was she throwing around to set up shop in Tokyo as a foreigner? Last time I checked, Tokyo was one of the most expensive cities in the world by square footage... The Nekohanten's no warehouse, but it wasn't exactly a dorm room either.

"I've had high hopes for my great granddaughter for years," Cologne glanced at me through the reflection on the vanity's mirror. "She's always made me quite proud with her strength, skill, and dedication. However, she's also stubborn, narrow-sighted, and single-minded- ah!"

Cologne turned around, palming something before hopping up on the bed next to me.

"I've tried to teach her lessons about it," she continued. "But she jumps to conclusions far too quickly and acts on impulse. You've seen first hand how that works out."

"Hulk Smash," I commented in an uneasy half-irony.

"Not familiar with that one," Cologne shrugged. "Sounds right though..."

The matriarch sighed, letting her head droop for a moment as she shook it back and forth.

"And you," she continued. "You just... I recognize that your actions are self-defense; survival. There's nothing really cunning about your behavior. You simply know just where to hit, and you don't hesitate to strike as hard as you can. But you only do so when it is needed, simple and clean..."

Cologne began to chuckle at this point.

"You are living Bakusai Tenketsu," she laughed.

I am the living breaking poi- Oh. Okay, that makes hilarious sense.

I laughed a little myself at the description, which only served to graduate Cologne's chuckles to louder, but surprisingly pleasant cackles.

"If you would humor this old woman," she continued with a laugh. "I think I'd like to call you by that name. After today, I think you've earned a warrior's title."

The neck-brace stopped my turn, but not my comment.

"I'm not exactly-"

"Nonsense," she cut me off. "Don't try to deny it. I am Joketsuzoku, and I know a warrior when I see one. You may not be one in the traditional sense, but you have been put through the trials of a warrior. This much you deserve. If this makes you uncomfortable, I apologize. Luna has informed me of your aversion to receiving gratitude. But understand, this title is not gratitude or some kind of special honor. It is a description as you are when you are a warrior in the field of battle. When you fight, you are he who finds the weakest point and attacks it with all his might. You are Bakusai Tenketsu... The Breaking Point."

There was a moment of silence as I processed that statement. I am- I- well... Okay. This is a thing. Also, double translation. Did she say that name twice, or did I just imagine it because of Washu's language program?

"Okay..." I finally managed to say. "I guess... If you're sure."

"It's as I said," she continued. "It is not some special honor, merely title acknowledging you as a warrior. Plus it has a nice bite to it. Too often in my life have I run into warriors with the most... unfortunate of names. At least this time I got to you before someone else could name you something absurd like 'Sleep Walker'..."

Cologne almost spat the statement out in distaste.

"Want a name like that?" she chuckled ruefully. "It makes you sound like a zombie."

I laughed a little too.

"Well, it did look like I was getting back up from the dead that one fight I had with Zoicite... and I appear like a soulless abomination to anyone with magic or chi sense. I'm sure if I shuffle around moaning 'braaaaains' a little I could freak a few people out."

And cologne laughed. It sounded like a bark.

"And that's what I like about you," she grinned. "You remind me of Happosai's good points."

"He has good points?" I asked. That earned another bark-laugh.

"He did..." she continued, her features becoming crestfallen. "Long ago."

Then Cologne's features immediately rose to form a scowl.

"But not anymore."

Cologne hopped down, stepping in front of me.

"But enough of that," she continued. "Bakusai, I would like to ask you again. What do you think of my great granddaughter, Shampoo?"

Oi! This again? What's the hag getting at here? She can't be-

No...

Oh no no no no no no no...

My expression must have given me away because she laughed again.

"Don't be afraid to be honest with me here," she continued. "Your opinion must be at least positive, if your very presence is anything to go by. And by that I mean, your presence here in this world: A place you know as a story to entertain yourself with. A place where you ended up because you appear next to your... 'favorite'... characters."

She smirked.

"And who did you end up next to?"

My mouth opened, but no proper sound came out. For several seconds I attempted the time honored tradition of total denial, but my brain couldn't process anything coherent, and my mouth articulated that even worse. After a moment, I finally just ended with a 'that's unfair!' kind of gasp, the sound of Cologne's amused cackles being the only other coherent sound.

"She is pretty," Cologne continued into my silence after a moment. "I wouldn't fault a man for having a preference towards her. Even if she were but a picture in a storybook. "

"I don't-" I finally found words but got nowhere.

"Don't what?" the hag pressed. "Don't think she's pretty? Don't desire her? Don't like her?"

If she had teeth for this next part, I swear it would be a shark's smile.

"Don't want to admit it?"

Lord help me, I'm trapped with a martial-arts matchmaker.

"Oh, and let's not forget the other women..." her voice took on a teasing tone. "From what Luna's told me, quite the energetic collection too."

What color is my face?

Cologne' cackled some more.

Can't win for losing...

"So, the shy type..." came her voice in a more thoughtful tone. "Or maybe something else... Either way, I can work with that."

No, no ma'am, you are NOT going to 'work with that'! I am not-

"Not interested," I spat in an attempt to sound bored. In retrospect, it sounded more like I was making a threat.

"Everyone is interested," Cologne waved my response away. "And the more you try to cover it up, the more obvious the signs. Playing dumb and putting up this front of denial just makes your behavior all the more cute."

Cute?!

"CUTE?!" I all but shouted. "Cute? Cologne, I'm twenty-FIVE! She's- What? Fifteen?"

"Sixteen..." the older Joketsuzoku corrected.

"Sixteen!" I snapped. "Whatever! I'm a decade older than her!"

"And?" Cologne posited. "In another decade, that won't matter. She'll be twenty-six, you'll be thirty-five."

"That doesn't make what you're insinuating any less creepy," I snapped back.

"And just what am I insinuating?"

I scowled, annoyed that she thought she could play dumb considering what we both knew that we knew about each other.

"Seriously?" I asked. "You and I BOTH know exactly what's being said between the lines here. Don't insult my intelligence."

Cologne's smirk faded slightly to something that was more pleased than devious. She still chuckled as if she knew something I didn't, but at least it didn't look like I was the butt end of the world's biggest joke.

…

I really hope I'm not the butt end of the world's biggest joke. Actually, scratch that. I'm already the butt-end of the world's biggest joke, several worlds. I just wish the world- universe- multiverse- WHATEVER would give me a break. If the jokes keep coming, there won't be much of me left to laugh at. How funny is a dead man, universe? HOW FUNNY?!

…Terrorist puppets not withstanding.

...

I'm going to end up as a soul trapped in a puppet for that thought. These worlds have the means to pull it off.

"Alright," Cologne interrupted my latest bout of ironic self-depreciation. "I'll concede a little and admit I'm being a little pushy on the subject. Though I doubt you can fault these old bones for having a backup plan."

Cologne looked down, inspecting something she was holding.

"I'm sure my granddaughter has long since told you about that argument you were witness to this morning. Likely in detail."

I would nod, but...

"Che..." she scoffed. "I should let you know right now that I do not make threats, only promises. I knew she'd take it literally, and I figure you understand my ways well enough to see it a bluff..."

The hag's face turned up towards me again.

"I don't bluff."

She let that sink in for a minute, allowing me ample time to let all the air out of my lungs as I found myself sighing into my hand.

"There are two types of strength," Cologne continued in a lecturing tone, turning to pace away from me. "One is of the body, such as the Hibiki boy. Strong like a rock, steadfast like a rock..."

She spun, a wry grin on her features.

"Dumb like a rock."

Well, that definitely sounds like Ryoga...

"The other is strength of mind," she continued. "And the strength of the mind is just as varied as any of the body. It is a strength I fear is waning with my tribe. Our youngest generation are headstrong, but think with their fists. Shampoo made that clear with her little speech this morning. Solving problems by smashing them..."

The matriarch waddled back to me, taking my hand and gently shoving something into it.

"What is-" I began.

"Payment, as negotiated with Luna for services rendered," she smiled. "One relatively harmless, but distinctly magical trinket. Despite the mess of a situation that this looks to be, my granddaughter learned something from you. Even if it doesn't take today, she's learned to treat others from outside our village with a little more respect. Empathy has grown scarce in the Joketsuzoku. Our pride and our goals often blind us."

I shrugged the best I could.

"Okay, cool. Though-..." I couldn't help but snicker at Cologne's choice of words. "Yeah, I guess that works if I'm still considered an outsider. What with the way Shampoo was going on about calling me her village... Hell I don't-"

Even if I'm not the best at reading people, there's no way in hell I could miss Cologne's wide-eyed gaze shooting up at me. She didn't say anything, and there was more than enough time to realize something wasn't right.

"What?" I asked. The matriarch's mouth opened, she blinked, and then it closed again, doing an absolutely stunning impression of a gold fish. Thinking on my last statement, I pondered on the only fresh piece of information I'd given the hag.

"What?" I asked a second time. "What's important about the village thing?"

Cologne finally reacted with something other than an aquatic vocabulary, blinking several times and turning away abruptly almost as if searching for something to occupy herself with.

"I-it's nothing," she continued. "I'm just..."

Oh no. You are NOT pulling that shit with me. I'm not falling for the 'obvious reaction tell and bad excuse to cover it' routine.

"You didn't freeze up for thirty seconds in shock because of nothing," I frowned. "And I'm pretty damn certain just about nothing fazes you."

"I said it's nothing," she repeated more firmly.

"That's an awfully big nothing," I countered. "You can't just pretend I didn't notice that and wave it off as unimportant. If it wasn't important, it wouldn't have blindsided you like that and you wouldn't be trying to pretend it never happened."

I waited a few more seconds, but Cologne said nothing, staring out the window and likely deciding how to approach this new direction our conversation was taking. In what had to be turning into a rare moment of clarity, I knew that just outright threatening action to get information would end badly, but I had a way to apply SOME pressure...

"You know," I sighed. "I could always just go ask the duck."

"You ask him-" she whirled around so fast I felt the whiplash, "-and he'll kill you before you finish the sentence."

If I weren't already sitting down, I would have taken a step back.

Cologne turned and recovered her staff, brooding in silence once more.

"So tell me," I probed her verbal defenses again. "What's so important about shampoo calling me her village that Mousse would-"

Click.

"Oh god, she proposed to me," I said it out loud even as I thought it. "Didn't she?"

The question was more directed at my own thoughts than the matriarch with her back turned to me, but none the less, it was voiced. After a few seconds, I could hear faint cackles and noted the old woman was shaking slightly with laughter.

"She did," I reaffirmed my thought. "She proposed and didn't even real-"

"No." Cologne turned, cutting off her chortles and thumping her staff into the floor. "No, she did not."

She then took a deep, calming breath, shaking her head in the process.

"But you're not far off..."

Oooohhhhhhhhhhhh... Fu-

"Joketsuzoku law is very strict on how it deals with the relationships we have with the outside world. In part, it is to carry on our tribe, but also to ensure that what continues forward to be Joketsuzoku in the future will be of the highest quality and bring honor to its name. It is a tradition and a culture around which it's own existence is centered. In a way, the tribe is family as much as it is our people and our way."

The Matriarch looked up to make eye-contact with me once more.

"There are two ways for an outsider to become Joketsuzoku," she continued. "Obviously, one is to marry in. That is the common practice when one of our young ones finds a suitable male from outside the tribe."

I don't think I like where this is going...

"The other, is for a warrior to grant an outsider a place in the tribe. This doesn't happen often, for reasons I assume you would find obvious. But it is possible. Usually the honor is reserved for those who aid the tribe in times of great need. But sometimes, it is simply a sign of great respect... If occasionally misused."

I'm really not liking where this is going.

"So," I interjected. "Why-"

"Why is such a declaration important?" Cologne interrupted. "Well, to make it simple, the one who bestows citizenship upon an outsider, by our law, is also allowed first chance to woo them should they be so inclined. Thus, as often as not, granting an outsider citizenship to the village is traditionally seen as one step away from proposing.

Exasperated face: Go.

"So," I sighed. "In short, by calling me her village..."

I placed my hand firmly over my face.

"...Shampoo has inadvertently called dibs on me."

Cologne grunted an affirmative.

"You still have that Lagavulin downstairs?" I asked. "I feel I may be on my way to becoming an alcoholic real soon."

"Cheh," the matriarch snorted. "You're not getting any alcohol in your current condition. And as much as you've been making an effort to moan and groan about everything, she's still betrothed to Son-In-Law. Existing arrangements take precedence over new ones. Consider yourself the backup plan."

I shot Cologne a death glare through my fingers.

"If I'm not a third wheel, I'm the spare tire," I lamented. "Either way, you have a real habit of making me feel like property rather than a human being."

"I'd like to say I get that a lot," the crone's voice had a bit of an amused edge to it. "But honestly, you're the first to say it outright to my face."

"Joy..." I groaned. For a few seconds I just contemplated my new status as, apparently, backup fiancée. As if I needed that kind of psychological luggage on top of everything else. I mean, on top of trying not to end all life in one universe, and saving another world from a madman and...

Actually? Fuck it. Soon as Washu fixes my shit, I'm not coming back here. I'm not dealing with this, THE END.

Taking my mind off of the rather insane subject at hand, I decided to look, incidentally, at the object in my hand.

"So..." I asked, gazing at what looked like some kind of ring with a large gemstone on it. A gemstone that for the life of me, I couldn't decide which color it was. I was reminded of cheap holographic collectors' cards.

"What is this, and how does it work?"

Cologne took my change of subject as cue to adopt a slightly more serious face as she bounded back up on the bed next to me.

"That, young man," she began, "Is Reading Rainbow."

Had I been ingesting anything at this time, my reaction would have been ripe for a spit take.

"Blu-ah... What? Reading... Say that again?"

"Reading Rainbow," Cologne nodded. "That which reads the color of one's moods."

I blinked.

"You gave us a mood ring?" I asked. Mind you, a mood ring named to conveniently match a certain popular PBS series from my childhood, but...

"I assure you," cologne outpaced my thoughts. "This is no children's toy. I promised a magical, but harmless trinket, you get a magical, but harmless trinket."

"So what does it do?" I asked with a slight air of impatience.

"I was getting to that," Cologne shot me an annoyed look. "The Reading Rainbow-"

I snickered, Cologne shot me another look but didn't wait.

"-Was once used by the Joketsuzoku as a means to train our speakers and representatives in the subtle art of reading the emotions of others. When worn, the wearer could then sense the emotions of others, allowing them to see past false pretext and even the most hardened emotional mask."

"Neat..." ...Is what I said. What immediately came to mind however, is that, to put it bluntly, we're accepting the gift of a magical empathy reader, and we were going to give that to Kitsune? Give the girl who's nickname for daily use being 'Fox' the tool to read people even more easily? Is it just me, or is there someone out there in the cosmos who might agree with me and consider that a REALLY bad idea?

I mean, one can CALL that harmless, or at least, not outright dangerous. But then again, this is the Joketsuzoku, who's idea of NOT dangerous is... Well. For fuck's sake! Shampoo considered walking through walls an acceptable form of instant commercial renovation for her own personal convenience!

Then again, Joketsuzoku like Cologne probably wouldn't give away something if it were useful... And she described it's use in the past tense-

"What's wrong with it?" I snapped. Cologne seemed taken aback at my response.

"I beg your pardon?"

"What, is wrong with it?" I asked more slowly. "You just handed me the ultimate politician's training aid without so much as flinching. By what you described alone, I can already imagine the damage that could be done just by handing this to Nabiki and saying 'have fun'. What's the catch?"

Cologne blinked, surprise on her features, then rolled her head back and laughed whole-heartedly before patting me (gently) on the shoulder.

"Very perceptive!" she smiled. "I was planning on a cryptic warning, but you already seem to know better. The answer is how the Reading Rainbow actually informs the wearer of the emotions it is reading..."

The crone chuckled again and sat down for once.

"As you might suspect, to be as useful as this has been implied, yet end up buried in a box... Well, one might consider it could be defective. And to be honest, it is. After all, it only got used once. I'll give you three guesses who tried it, and the hint is that she's in this room."

"I don't know," I cut in. "That hardly narrows it down..."

Cologne laughed again but continued.

"It was an interesting experience... You see, in order to convey such a wide array of emotions people have with the discretion needed to not give itself away, it was created so that it would inflict the mood it detected upon its wearer."

I flicked my eyes over to the side. "And..." Then my eyes widened. And once more my palm came up to hide my face.

"God..." I muttered through my hand. "That's... "

"Completely useless," Cologne finished. "I attempted to read one of my friends at the time. She thought it was a funny idea. As a result, I found myself laughing. That made her start laughing, and pretty soon I was trying my best just to breathe until someone could get it off. After that, we decided that it was lucky we didn't try on someone who was angry."

"So," I began. "Rule One: Beware emotional feedback loop."

Cologne nodded.

I feel a snark coming on...

"You know," I began. "It seems like the more I come across magical artifacts, the less and less reliable they seem."

"Three fourths of everything is garbage," the hag shrugged. "You get a lot of failures before you get a success."

"So why do you keep the junk around if it's failed?" I asked. "Or rather, failed, and potentially dangerous?"

Cologne gave me a smirk as she cast a glance back at her overturned box.

"Sometimes," she said in a more passive tone. "Even garbage has its uses."

"Careful," I exploited a verbal opening. "You might earn the nickname 'Junk Master' if you-"

The punch was light and well aimed so as not to aggravate my injuries, but the hag made her point. I winced, twisting to cast a grimace at her. In return, Cologne just shot me a cocky little smirk between another round of light cackles.

"Can dish it out, but you can't take it," I grumbled in English.

'Knock Knock!'

"Great Grandmother?" Shampoo's voice carried through the door. "Food is made."

"Ah, excellent," the hag nodded, hopping down off the bed and motioning to me. "Come."

Two minutes later saw me sitting in the restaurant office once more, staring at a bowl of noodles I swear was as big as my upper torso.

No, really. Most soup bowls come in the sizes of small, medium, and large. This thing was like someone decided to skip 'Mondo' and 'Huge' and jump straight to 'Gargantuan'. I've made pots of spaghetti that lasted me a week that were smaller than this.

Did I mention the bowl was full? I feel that observation should be relevant here.

"I'm not sure even Usagi could finish this," Luna commented. "Why-"

"Shampoo tell Mousse to make largest bowl we have," said Joketsuzoku interrupted. "New friend need good meal after mess with Happi. Luna-kitty agree, yes?"

"Well," Luna glanced at the soup uncertainly. "Yes, but I'm thinking this is going just a bit far."

Shampoo rolled her eyes before turning to me, a hopeful look on her face.

"What you think?" she asked.

I glanced down at the bowl, wide across as my torso, tall as a half of a gallon jug of milk, filled to the brim. There was no way I was finishing this. Not in one sitting anyway.

"I think I'm going to need a doggy-bag," I replied. Shampoo's face screwed up in confusion.

"What is bag full of dog having to do with ramen?"

"A to-go box," I corrected.

"Is soup, make mess in box," Shampoo frowned.

Luna's hand came up to her face as she shook her head, earning a fresh look of confusion from the younger warrior.

"Right," I blew some air out of the side of my mouth in lieu of shaking my head. "Literalist..."

I returned my gaze to the ramen in front of me, ignoring as Luna began verbally berating Shampoo for 'knowing what he meant'.

"Luna," I cut into their arguing. "You want some too?"

She barely ate more than me all day, she's got to be starving.

"I-" the catgirl paused. "You really should worry about yourself first..."

"Can we not have a repeat of our earlier conversation?" my voice raised just a hair, and then I laughed absurdly at my bowl as I continued speaking. "There's no way I'm going to finish even half of what's in this. So grab an extra bowl or two and we can all chow down."

Luna's eyes flicked down, just for a split second, betraying what she wanted. I just waited, giving her a slight eyebrow raise as if to say: 'I can read you like an open book'. After a moment, she cracked the faintest of smiles, blowing a lock of hair away from her eyes to mask a 'fine'.

I'll take it.

With Shampoo's continuing help (and some help from a still oddly quiet Mousse), my Gargantuan bowl of ramen was reduced to merely Mega-Colossal. A feat that left me rather confused considering the portion size of the bowl Luna was given. Part of me suspects Joketsuzoku magical bullshit might have been involved. Subspace pocket, meet subspace bowl of holding. Or maybe I'm just too worn out to accurately gauge sizes...

Honestly, I want to blame it on Mousse. It would make sense that he somehow managed to extend his hidden-weapon technique to 'hiding' more soup in a bowl than should fit. How would that work? I dunno, Ranma Logic? If they can make Tea Ceremony into a combat art that involves hanging 'kneeled' from the ceiling, then-

Luna's staring at me.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

"Fine-...ish," I replied in a disjointed fashion. "Just thinking."

"About what?" the Felis Sapien asked.

"Eh..." I waved my good hand dismissively. "Nothing worth talking about."

"Oh," the Felis Sapien nodded, giving me this knowing look for a moment. The kind of look that said 'You really were thinking something important, but don't want to talk about it'. Which is wrong, but I couldn't really care less at the moment. Besides, what am I going to say? 'Hey, you're thinking I'm hiding something, but I'm not, so chillax'?

"Speaking of," Luna spoke up again. "What was Cologne talking to you about up stairs?"

That actually made me grimace. Being told in so many words that you were essentially backup husband material for a bride who's not only fictional, but ten years younger than you, fifty times stronger, and also fully aware of how you perceive them? I don't care if I technically like Shampoo and think she's a cute character. That's just-...

God dammit Cologne!

My congealed thought came out as a snort thinking back on it. If I could shake my head, I would as I responded.

"Meddlesome old hag stereotype," I grumbled, much to Luna's confusion. Rather than immediately continue, I chose to stuff my face with noodle. It only bought me a few seconds however, as she fixed me with a head tilt that promised no end to queries until I coughed up what I meant. But stubborn is as stubborn does, so I decided to take the topic in another direction, remembering our 'payment for services rendered'.

"Just our reward for a job well done," I answered her aloud. "I'm not entirely sure on it..."

With a deft grab, I pulled 'Reading Rainbow' out of my pocket, placing it on the table where Luna could get a good look at it. Unfortunately before I could start explaining our new mood-detecting trade commodity, Shampoo decided to test how my mood was reacting to cranial chemical imbalances.

"Oooo... Has you decided to propose to Luna-kitty already?"

To be fair, even as her comment caused the both of us to freeze in place, part of me wanted to say yes to that, just to see the look on their faces. I mean, really. A setup like that couldn't be any more obvious if it were drawn, inked, printed, and converted to animation.

"Is very cute couple," Shampoo chirped in an almost TOO chipper tone that reeked of something being up. And like that, a very brief temptation to be silly was replaced with a much less brief urge to retaliate in an inappropriate, yet overkill, manner.

In an attempt to control my obviously compromised decision making process, I inhaled slowly and deeply before calmly exhaling and emptying a glass of water-

'SPLASH-THUMP!'

-In Shampoo's face.

"Did you just-!?" Luna gawked as we both glanced at the purple and pink kitten now scrabbling not to fall off the edge of the table.

"I've about had it with people telling me how my life should go," I grumbled. In the mean time, Luna reached over and gently pulled a now very irate warrior kitten up. As soon as she was able, Shampoo shot me the miniature murder-ball version of a stink-eye. I returned it with my most weaponized 'get over it' eye-roll before returning my attention to the meal I should have downed a while ago.

Shampoo just mewed in response, causing Luna to blink in surprise, admonishment dying in her throat.

"Oh..."

"What?" I asked.

"She speaks Felix in this form," the Felis Sapien informed.

She does?

"Huh," was what I articulated around that thought. "Well what'd she say?"

Luna just giggled a bit as Shampoo mewed again.

"Her dialect is a little broken," Luna smirked. "But she more or less said 'finish soup, and don't spill any if you know what good for you'."

It took a second, but then my eyes cast down at my bowl of, still steaming, ramen noodle soup. A bowl big enough to bathe a kitten in. Eyes coming back up, I was met with a very human smirk coming from the now diminutive warrior.

Another long, slow, if slightly painful breath followed this before I finally turned my attention to my bowl, tiredness catching up in my voice from today's insanity.

"Fair enough..."

In one last bit of inspiration, I realized. The day wasn't over yet.

["Dear."](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nFZ_fDR0QMA)


	29. INTERLUDE: Subject 'Athens'

Minaho Masaki frowned as she examined the file in front of her.

"And this is accurate?" she asked.

"To the word," the voice on the line replied. "My observations so far suggest that Subject Athens is maintaining a certain amount of decorum in the information he has at his disposal, if only because he doesn't consider it relevant. But it is clear he possesses the knowledge and the will to use it if it can guarantee his own safety"

"His understanding here makes a total mockery of Jurain State Secrets," Minaho replied. "If this is to be believed, even your status is compromised."

"He's shown to be more concerned with immediate survival," the voice continued. "I have no doubts he's got at least cursory awareness of why I'm there. But he's shown no outward signs of malicious intent, or even of using the situation for personal gain. If anything, he's veering towards treating us as allies. I think it's best to let him continue drifting that way."

"I agree..." Minaho perused the file on the screen once more, stopping to highlight a section. "However, I'm still concerned about his other points of contact. Until now, the Open Book Scenario was considered all but impossible. To learn it's not only possible, but very much true and proliferate leaves me in a very difficult position with your mother. He's been quiet about state secrets so far, but he's also not being actively silent as far as we know."

"It might be better to leave it that way," Minaho's contact pointed out. "Without active prompting, nobody else involved in the Open Book Scenario will even realize he has secrets to tell. Until we can secure him and read him into fold on the importance of what he knows, not bringing it to his attention should be adequate in keeping it quiet."

Minaho pondered that advice for several seconds, scrolling through a little more information as she did so.

"Given how much he knows, it wouldn't surprise me if he does realize he carries state secrets," she mused aloud. "Do you think we can trust him to maintain adequate silence until we can take action?"

"It's not like we have much of a choice," the voice replied. "It is currently impossible to detain him in any meaningful way without bringing undue harm to him. The contingencies for this kind of scenario rely at least minimally on the ability to isolate and contain the subject. We can't even sedate him or we lose him instantly."

Minaho grimaced, rereading the section explaining the subject's rather unique travel method.

"And what of Mother Crab?" she spoke up after a moment. "Any breakthroughs?"

"Still studying the data," the contact continued. "She says this is a first for her, and has been working on it eagerly ever since. I'm not sure what's more concerning though... Her excessive doting on Subject Athens, or the fact that we have a situation twelve involved as well."

"If we have an open book AND a situation twelve," Minaho rubbed her head in frustration. "Then we might be better of stepping back and letting it take its course. I don't want to be the one picking up the pieces, but I'll take that over destabilizing the situation."

"It might already be out of our hands," came an equally exasperated sigh. "Mother Crab has already exposed The Great Oni to the information in one of their gossip sessions."

Minaho was glad she wasn't eating anything, it would have ended up across the room.

"She'll traumatize him!" she shouted, then paused. "And he probably already knows she will. That can only make things worse."

"She won't meddle too much so long as Mother Crab is interested," the contact reminded the dark-haired woman. "So as long as the fallout of the Open Book Scenario is still in motion, he's at least safe from any overt action."

"But we BOTH know she likes her long game!" Minaho moaned. "Ugh... The Cleanup from the Chobimaru incident alone... I remember when the idea popped into her head. That was two years in the making,. If I know how she runs things, she's already picking through a card catalogue."

"You're behind," the voice seemed slightly mirthful. "She already sent me the color choices with a request for my opinion. I honestly expected something more subtle, but it seems that since Subject Athens is out of contact, she's opting to just be casual about the whole thing."

"Ugh..." Minaho's head all but thumped on her console. "This couldn't possibly get any worse, could it?"

There was silence on the line for several seconds, and then a very clear laugh from the contact. Minaho's dejected face rose to view the blacked out image on the screen in front of her.

"What's so funny?" she asked.

"We're discussing Open Book Scenario," the contact laughed. "And you just provoked fate."

"Fate can go bite me," Minaho grumbled. "What's your point?"

There was more silence before the contact spoke up.

"You skimmed, didn't you?"

Minaho frowned.

"I have enough to deal with as the cleaner for The Great Oni's entertainment options. I glossed over the minutes of some of the report."

"At least it's not a Kuramitsu report," the voice poked.

"Shut up," Minaho scowled. "I've seen dictionaries with fewer words. Now why is Open Book Scenario suddenly so funny?"

"Subject Athens accurately predicted a sequence of events involving Bubbles to within the second," the voice stated without humor. Minaho paused, glancing at the report, then scrolling to the section and reading. After a few seconds, she about stood up in shock.

"This is impossible!" she snapped. "Mother Crab can't even do this!"

"Mother Crab verified it," the voice replied. "And the logic he used to make the prediction makes sense once you hold Open Book as true."

"But this makes a mockery of free will!" Minaho complained. "It implies that your own thoughts can dramatically alter causality-"

"Situation twelve," the voice interrupted. Minaho's mouth snapped shut.

"To get to the point," her contact continued. "You just tempted fate, and as Subject Athens has proven, fate responds. How can it get 'worse', you ask? Check The Great Oni's schedule for the next month."

Minaho popped an additional window open, mouth draw and jaw clenched as she reviewed a series of schedule alterations. It didn't take long to recognize what was going on. In defeat, the dark-haired woman wilted in place.

"Vacation..." she mouthed in despair. "She's taking a Vacation to..."

"Earth," the contact finished. "The Great Oni wants to meet Subject Athens herself."

"Kami help him..." Minaho muttered.

"It'll be a show, that's for sure" the screen returned. "Given how in-depth his knowledge is, we may see her stymied for once. That alone is worth the price of admission."

"That's what I'm afraid of..." Minaho whined.


	30. All in Fine Print

* * *

**Chapter twenty nine: All in Fine Print**

_A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats._

_\- Benjamin Franklin_

* * *

 

Considering my luck as of late, I can't say I'm completely surprised at the amount of sleep I managed to get 'between' Ranma's universe, and what I quickly verified as the universe of Ah my Goddess.

"AH! GET OFF ME!"

'WHUD!'

"OOMPH!"

'PLOOMPH!'

None.

One of the really big problems about one's mode of transit being literally based on loss of consciousness, you can't really assess your arrival point right away. So when the warm comfy thing I was somehow leaning vertically against suddenly shoved me forward, I only had enough initial processing power to feel something strike my forehead before the sensation of falling in a half dream caught up with me.

And then it stopped, and for some reason I registered a mild pain on my cheek.

"BE CAREFUL!" a very familiar voice snapped in alarm.

"Wait- You're-"

Something tugged my arm, and my dogged mind registered a 'fwip' sound, followed quickly by the sound not unlike my dog chewing on a piece of plastic. It didn't take long for the chewing to turn into a mild 'pop' and a splash. At which point, something warm ran along my arm.

I had my eyes open by this point, but the world had yet to resolve properly before a third voice joined the commotion.

"YOU HURT! I KILL!"

My brain booted right then and there, even as the other voice started to shout in righteous indignation in an attempt to stave off the sound of a human bulldozer plowing it into a wall.

I was on the floor, hot soup warming my side as it spread on the ground, my face and forehead protesting a recent unexpected journey from the upright to the prone. Strangely, my neck didn't protest, and for just a split second I thought the worst.

Thankfully, my knees were reporting a recent skinning attempt in just fine, so I breathed a sigh of relief over a false alarm.

Another loud crack, like a large piece of wood being smashed against cement brought me further to my senses.

"Just how are you able to-" The loud surprised voice began before it was interrupted with a sharp 'WHAM!' And then it croaked in pain. "-GUAH!" then wheezed "punch so hard..."

There was a meaty sounding crack followed by the sounds of more stuff breaking, my vision now showing me to be cheek to floor in a warehouse. A warehouse I quickly remembered as the home base of a one Marller.

"Shampoo! Calm down, you've made your point!" came a panicked sounding voice.

"Is not killed," angry, halting words snapped back. "I fix first."

Groaning, as I realized what I was hearing was in fact, a very angry-sounding Chinese murder-machine running at its maximum overkill settings, I pushed myself up on my left arm, glancing at the most peculiar sight.

A naked, angry, very much mortal Chinese girl, was DEMOLISHING a Demon First Class with brute force.

No seriously. Shampoo, in what appeared to be her version of a blood rage, was more or less validating the effectiveness of Heihachi Mishima's famous ten hit combo on the likes of a being that technically out-powered her like a nuclear warhead out-powers a fireant. Or at least, it looked that way at first. It became clear after a few moments of blank-minded watching that punches that she would otherwise shatter the concrete when she missed, only seemed to wind Marller when they connected. The problem was that Shampoo was making a large number of them connect, quite frequently.

Given the punishment she was delivering, anyone else would be a broken pile of meaty bone flakes on the ground by now. Marller regularly tanked explosive anti-demon ordinance...

'CRACK!'

"AHWAH! That was a rib..." the demon winced.

Still damned impressive if you ask me.

"Shampoo, she's on our side!" Luna's voice piped more in panic.

"She no act like it!" the naked Chinese girl snarled.

About this moment, I realized that if I didn't say something, Shampoo was likely to continue her assault on Marller until she slowed down enough to give the demon an opening. And while the pummeling was impressive, Shampoo would lose, and lose HARD once Marller managed any kind of magic.

"Stop!" I announced. Or at least, that's what I attempted to announce. It came out as a slightly congested cough of sinuses that had recently been subjected to spices. Thus, 'stop' sounded more like 'stough!'.

"Well..." A familiar voice somehow managed to send a chill right down my spine. "This is certainly new."

I turned my head with a snap to face the voice.

This failed, because neck brace.

As a result, I participated in a complex, but smooth motion of rolling on to my still-sore right arm, and immediately going down in a heap.

"Oops..." The chilling voice seemed to impress equal parts disdain and concern at the same time. "I forgot, you startle easily."

Hild, or rather sub-form Hild (one one-thousandth I believe it was?) floated into my field of vision as I rolled onto my back. She glanced me up and down once, biting her lip while shaking her head slowly.

"That condition just won't do at all," she announced in a matter-of-fact tone. "Come on, get up."

"Yeah," I groaned, shifting weight to learn against a pillar to my left. "Sure, let me just heal instantly here and-"

'SHNMP! - CREEEEEEK-tut-tut-tut...tut...'

All sarcastic and/or trivial thoughts stopped. The sound of metal shifting around you tends to do that. Had the sound not been really close to me, I might have simply frozen in place to determine what caused it. Instead, I stumbled back, jerking my hand away from anything that might have been about to take it off-

'POP!'

I jumped as a flash of electricity sizzled in front of my face, causing me to stumble back further.

"HOLD STILL!"

Of course I didn't. Now fully startled, I spun towards the sound of Hild shouting at me, and I was just in time to see the fractional lady of hell itself jerk back in mid-air, a look on her face that had abandoned her usual 'cool and unamused at the universe' facade and replaced it with a look that was more akin to a cross-eyed person staring down their nose through overly small spectacles.

No sooner did that look cross her face, did the demon dart forward, shoving me back as she grabbed my left arm in a grip hard enough to cause me to grunt in complaint. After stumbling to a stop, the Daimakaicho just held me in place while her head turned to look at the pinned arm.

"A new toy I see," she stated, quickly regaining that composure that made her so spooky. "A fifth-dimensional isolated microfold."

A- What?

I blinked in silence as I tried to process the comment. Still a little muddled from just getting drop-kicked awake, the tech words did not morph into a conscious mental image until I followed her glance to my left into a dark circular mass with lense-like edg-

Oh...

OH!

"JESUS CHRIST!" I snapped in shock.

"Not quite," Hild chuckled, releasing my hand as I carefully brought my other arm up to push the 'access' button.

'Fwip.'

Missing the humor in Hild's response, I continued with my mind one-tracking on my own concern as my eyes glanced back at the smoke and sparks that had startled me.

"Are you kidding?!" I snapped. "I almost brought the building down on us!"

The Daimakaicho rolled her eyes as if such trivial things as property destruction were of no-... Okay, yeah. My mind walked right into that one.

"It's nice to see you too," she commented idly. "Though since we last met, you've apparently been busy."

Hild gave me another long up and down glance, sending a now perceptible chill through me once more.

"And- Goodness are you fragile," she continued in a slightly more shocked tone. "What is this mess? Organic chemistry imbalances, physical injuries on par with critical trauma-" she paused again, her eyes narrowing as she appeared to inspect the space around me.

"Where's Senbei?"

That got a pause in my thoughts. And with the inability to turn my head, I opted for slapping at my shoulders like a dofus.

"Senbei?" I asked. "Senbei!?"

No response, captain.

"Ohhh... sh-" I began, gripping my forehead with my 'bad' arm. "I forgot to make sure he was there!"

Great! I left him with Ranma- In Ranma- at Ranma... I don't have time to parse the correct term. I left him there! He's probably already teaming up with Happosai for all the luck he can... Does he 'eat' it or-

"Focus," Hild's hands gripped my shoulders. "We have things to do today, so I need you to be in the here and now. You can just grab Senbei later. Right now-"

A crash interrupted the Daimakaicho, reminding us that Shampoo was still proving that momentum can best even a demon. Luna, trying not to get in the way, was desperately trying to convince the Joketsuzoku to lay off the Incredible Hulk routine.

Marller, to her credit, was still standing, though even her demonic constitution was starting to show signs of the pummeling she was taking.

"Okay... I got it. You can stop it now..." she grumbled out in pain.

"Ma-chan," Hild sighed. "So little creativity. Can she not even see that curse?"

With a snap of her fingers, Hild did... something. What exactly wasn't immediately apparent until suddenly the warehouse's fire suppression system kicked on. In an instant, naked murder-girl had become a fluffy purple death ball. One that carried on in its momentum for a few more seconds before pausing to inspect its own paw.

Then, with a huff, kitten-shampoo sat down, pouting with an angry mewl.

Marller, now free of the brutality she'd been on the receiving end of, stumbled slightly before resting her hand on a wall to right herself.

"Finally," she gasped. "Were I mortal, I'd be dead twenty times over by now..."

"Twang!"

That sound was-

We all jumped backwards as a section of overhead steel beams came slamming down with a thunderous racket. Not even a split second later, sheet metal panels and other overhead odds and ends joined it. After the cacophony died out, the warehouse had undergone spontaneous renovation with the inclusion of an open-air atrium. Now firmly back on my ass, I could only glance at the pile of crumpled metal with something akin to a disconnected, terrified shock.

Luna was similarly parked on her own ass nearby, Shampoo firmly embedded to the top of her head with eyes the size of saucers.

Marller was...

There was a twitch of movement from the wreckage and a groan of pain.

Oh my.

"Owwww..." came a whine, a hand sticking out from under some sheet metal.

"Huh..." Hild's voice reached me in a detached, but far more neutral tone. "I would have pegged that as Senbei's doing, but he's not here."

"Mreow..." Shampoo murmured. Luna responded in an equally shocked sounding tone.

"Yes... Many are the pieces."

With seeming nary a care in the world, Hild floated effortlessly over the wreckage, hand on her chin as she glanced around the mess. As she did so, she spoke in a slightly more sweet tone.

"Ma-Chan? Are you still alive under there?"

"H... Hai. Hild-Sama" came the strained reply.

With the initial shock of the moment wearing off, I started climbing back to my feet, my eyes darting around a bit more in an attempt to spot any more evidence of immediate danger. To be fair, I didn't know what I was looking for.

"Okay," I huffed, "I'm awake."

I tried to look up, but the brace wasn't having it.

"Anything else I should know about?" I continued as sarcasm came to the surface to smother my fear. "We're off to a wonderful start here. Not awake five minutes and I've almost been killed twice. Do I hear three? Can I get three?"

"Mreow..."

"Yes," Luna responded. "He gets a little testy when he's tired... And almost killed."

When the universe didn't decide to finish the job, I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment, forcing myself to calm down a little.

"I need to start keeping a running Death Count," I grumbled, turning towards the pile of wreckage again. "That's number three? Four? Do I get a stamp card for this shit?"

"I wouldn't suggest such taunts right now," Hild floated to a landing and stepped over to me. "The System Force appears to be slightly unstable in proximity to you. And while tempting fate isn't as 'direct' elsewhere, the System Force literally is fate here. And it could respond unpredictably to a transient outside anomaly."

She then pointed at the pile of wreckage that was covering a still-twitching Marller.

"Case in point."

I glanced at the twitching, in-need-of-some-assistance, demon buried in rubble and frowned.

"I didn't say anything ironic before that fell on her."

"No, but she did."

I opened my mouth to counter, then shut it again. Thinking on Marller's words before she got buried. Eh... I guess that could be counted as tempting fate. And that's the last thing I really want to do. Knowing Narrative Causality can cause problems because the universe is just 'that way' is one thing, knowing it would actively try to punish me for a verbal misstep?

God, I HOPE it's verbal. My mind's a running dialog of thoughts that kick Murphy in the balls about once every five minutes. I don't think I could maintain the level of mental discipline needed to keep from slipping in such a manner. If fate itself is reading my mind and waiting for me to cock up, then just kill me now and get it over with.

"Don't worry," Hild stated dryly. "Your thoughts are safe."

Oh for the love of... REALLY?!

I shot the Daimakaicho an irritated look. She just rolled her eyes and smirked. An irrational part of my mind wanted to knock said smirk right off her face. Exhausted, saner parts of my mind reminded the irrational part that such an action might as well be ritual suicide. Obviously noting my sudden burst of anger, or just reading my internal narrative outright, Hild just reached out and placed a hand on my shoulder.

"Lighten up," she half consoled. "Even among my kind, deep mind reading is considered a bit rude. So I won't mess with your head... too much."

Then she spun towards Luna, a trollish smile on her features.

"Intelligence gathering not withstanding."

Luna sputtered, Shampoo looking slightly confused at what was going on from the top of her head. Hild gave them no opportunity to actually form a reply before she was speaking to me again.

"I'm just messing with you," she smirked. "I've already checked all your memories and I must say..."

The Daimakaicho shot a wry look at the pile of wreckage Marller was still buried under.

"You do a better job at causing a ruckus than she does. I must say, I'm impressed. I want to ask you to come work for me, but you're, you know: Mortal. I might be able to fix that, but it would involve ripping your identity from that body and stuffing it into a good demon body. Unfortunately, good demon bodies are hard to come by. Even with my powers, I can't just snap my fingers and poof one up."

The demonic CEO paused for a moment, then shrugged.

"Well, I could, but then we'd have quality issues. I could always tie it together with the normal method of making fresh bodies, but I don't think you can wait around here that long..."

I don't recall Hild being this rambly before. Did something happen between last time and now? She's actually being a bit more chipper too.

"-ould need to be slapped with a rapid aging spell or-"

Reminds me of Urd.

"-but then I'd have to assign a doublet-"

Yep, they're definitely related.

"Uh..." I spoke up, interrupting Hild's now obvious rambling. "Excuse me? What are you-"

"She almost said it!" Hild grabbed me by both shoulders and grinned in a near manic way. "The plan worked!"

Then she paused.

"Mostly..."

Then back to grinning.

"But she almost said it!"

"Plan?" I asked into the first gap she gave me. It was enough to stop her in her tracks and glare at me.

"Yes," she went from disturbingly borderline chipper (for Hild), to the more familiar tone I was used to. "The PLAN...?"

Plan... Plan... What was I- Oh yeah.

"Oh," I sighed, remembering. "That plan. The plan to-"

I stopped, blinking.

"Wait," it was coming back to me. "It worked? After that train wreck of an abort?"

Hild nodded, her familiar sly smirk returning as she did so.

"Almost," she chirped.

If I recall, I'd essentially chugged more sake in five minute than I had any form of alcohol in my entire life. For the love of... Washu? ...How did that clusterfuck of a conversation-

"HOW?!" I vocalized.

Hild floated into a levicline (Levitating recline? Just work with me here), and adopted a story telling face. As she did so, I glanced back at Marller, still twitching and looking like a poor parody of the Wicked Witch of the East... You know. The one Dorothy's house landed on.

"Well," Hild began into my observation. "As it would happen-"

"Hold that thought," I raised my hand. Hild scowled but surprisingly, didn't push her authority. I turned and walked over to the debris pile, glancing about it the best I could try and see if anything was going to be a problem, then flipped the dial on my suit, grabbed a piece and gave a tug.

Of course, the genius I am, I forgot the suit still wasn't actually synced to me, and I only managed to make metal creak in protest.

"Ma-chan?" Hild asked from over my shoulder. "How long are you going to play dead under there? We have an intern to brief."

"I'm... Working on it," was the labored reply.

"I think she needs a hand," I blanched.

"She's a big girl," Hild replied. "She can handle herself."

"I... Don't think she normally gets crushed by a collapsing building," I pointed out.

"After being pummeled by a superhuman," Luna chimed in.

"Mreow!"

"Even if she did deserve it," came the translated.

Hild rolled her eyes, mulling on the situation in front of her. Then she sighed, floating in to examine the wreckage before just scoffing and flicking her fingers at it.

I was forced to jump back as the rubble, all but silently, suddenly accelerated up away from the ground and out the hole in the roof. Days into this mess, and having borne witness to teleportations, levitation, laser swords, explosive attack spells, and even one instance of a matrix-esque 'back door', just seeing plain old ordinary debris just pick up and fly away like it was falling in reverse...

"Huh..." I verbalized. "Gravity manipulation?"

Stepping forward cautiously, I reached out with my good arm to help Marller regain her feet. The demon, humbled by the beating she'd taken at this point, accepted the offer without complaint. At the same time, Hild hovered along in her half-recline as she replied.

"Waste of effort," she shook her head. "Uniform motion of a fluid, which is what that pile of scrap would effectively be at that scale, requires continuous updates across every individual macro-object in real time. While it's certainly within my power to do so, why? There are easier ways to achieve results."

After helping Marller up, the subordinate demon went about adjusting herself, straightening her outfit and carefully keeping her dazed expression off her boss.

"Take Ma-Chan here," Hild continued. "Clever and powerful as she can be, she does tend to over think things and ignore the obvious..."

Hild then rolled her eyes.

"Like how everything on top of her only needed to go one direction."

She then spun back to me.

"So tell me," Hild asked with a smirk. "If you get buried in a rubble pile? How do you get it off?"

Blind sided by the sudden pop quiz, I stammered for a moment before answering unevenly.

"Lift it off?"

Hild blinked.

"And as implied, fight gravity to do so?"

I blinked.

"You're mortal," she waved it away. "You don't get to toy with universal constants so I don't expect a real answer. But it's simple. Ma-chan?"

'POOF!' a notebook popped into existence in front of the Demon First Class.

"Write this down..."

Even dazed, Marller reacted to the instruction as if she were on fire, grabbing the pen and scrambling to ready herself for note taking.

"Instead of burning energy, running a bunch of math, or anything so tedious, you can just flip the force constant on gravitation for the matter involved."

There was silence for a moment as Marller scribbled.

"What?" I asked, getting but not quite connecting what she said.

"What?!" Luna asked in a slightly more frantic tone.

"Gravitational Force Constant," Hild turned a 'It's rather obvious' look on Luna. "A value of... One. Reverse the value to negative one. Turn gravitational attraction into gravitational repulsion and let nature do the work for you. Easy, right?"

"ARGH!" Marller suddenly exclaimed into the explanation. "Of course I'd forget something so SIMPLE!"

"Simple?" Luna turned to the demon with a look quickly approaching horror. "She just proposed rewriting reality itself!"

Marller stopped scribbling, glancing up at Luna like the felis sapien had missed the memo.

"Uh... Duh? Demon, first class, unlimited license."

Luna's mouth snapped shut with an audible click.

"Forget I said anything..."

"Eh..." Hild waved a hand dismissively. As she did so, she reclined further, staring out the hole. If I caught what she said right, she just treated a mechanical problem like a computer coding problem. Not that this was unexpected for this world, but it did bring up some thoughts to refresh my mind about the setting. In Ah My Goddess, the deities treated the laws of physics like computer code. Magic was programming...

And, Hild treated a physical constant like a single variable. Kind of genius really. But, wait-

"Gravity's value is one?" I asked aloud. "Uh... That seems- stupidly simple?"

"You're probably thinking in silly human terms," Marller interjected, risking a glance at Hild for any indication to shut up. Seeing naught but a gentle wave to continue, she gathered a little more courage and expanded on her explanation.

"Newtons, grams, all that stuff. Inaccurate and complicated really. And totally made up by humans. If you want to be accurate, you need to use natural numbers... Your puny mortal brain probably couldn't handle them though, so really, no loss."

Puny mortal-

"Ma-chan?" Hild interrupted Marller's growing smug in a dangerously sweet tone. "That puny mortal brain did come up with a plan a bit more robust than your usual fare recently. Credit where it belongs."

Marller paled, then inhaled sharply while ducking her head in submission.

"Hai, Hild-sama."

"She's not completely wrong though," the Daimakaicho dropped out of her lazy float and landed with a click on the cement. "You are a mortal, and cannot directly interact with the code anyway. So really, the understanding of natural units is of limited use to you. Now..."

In a swift few steps, Hild wrapped an arm around my shoulders and pulled me in close in a conspiratorial manner.

"As I was saying before," she continued. "The plan was an astounding 'almost' success..."

"In what way?" I asked slowly. "I recall getting hammered by Urd's sake habit and making a hasty, and hazy exit."

"But you kept cover almost perfectly," Hild all but whispered to my ear. "And when you left - I felt you go, mind you – your vanishing act pretty much cemented your story. No sooner did you leave the universe then did I get a phone call from my daughter worried sick about her baby brother!"

Baby-

"Sake mixed with essence of honesty – which you completely ignored, as expected of a transient – and you improvise a tale of the overbearing mother who doesn't let her little demon do anything for himself."

Hild wiped a, likely fake, tear from her eye.

"She was worried sick she'd poisoned you!" the Daimakaicho finished. "Not even bothering to check your code at all!"

"To be fair," Luna commented from the side, "I thought he was going to end up pretty messed up myself at that point. She was dropping Genshu on him cup after cup, and I'm pretty certain he doesn't even drink."

Hild grimaced slightly at Luna before turning her face to me, a wry expression on her features.

"Regional culture tip," she began. "It is considered mandatory for a host to refill a drink immediately when a guest has finished it unless the guest expresses a desire to stop. Failure to do so is considered rude."

I blinked, processing that small pro-tip. After a moment, my memory recalled that tiny culture piece from my own trawlings on the internet...

I about smacked my own face for that one.

"That being said," Hilld continued, floating to a more respectable distance. "I suppose that would make either myself of Ma-chan the host again here."

She passed a look around my group, then at Marller.

"Mostly Ma-chan," she finished. "This is her hideout after all..."

There was a moment of silence while Hild left the statement up in the air. Marller, to her credit, only took about five seconds to notice the Daimakaicho's thinly veiled implication. To her... I guess, discredit, she ended up stuttering and sputtering about what kind of host she was supposed to suddenly be on such short notice and began scrambling around the dust covered pinball machines. Next to me, Hild stifled a quiet, but somewhat malicious laugh.

"Do you always do this to her?" I sighed under my breath.

"Only when it's funny," she replied coolly.

"It's always funny," I muttered.

"Exactly," Hild nodded. "I'll let her squirm for a few more minutes, then give her a nudge in the right direction."

And so she did. Marller quickly set about trying to scrounge together what was needed to be a good hostess... But, was failing spectacularly if the rats in tiny lab coats-

I blinked. New one for the weird list.

-if the rats in tiny lab coats scrambling around collecting leftover microwave dinner plates from trash bins was any indication.

Speaking of food...

I turned towards where I more or less 'woke up', noting the up-ended plastic container and the leftovers of my monstrous bowl of ramen spilled everywhere. Spilled when Shampoo utilized them as an ad-hoc hot water source...

"What a waste," I muttered.

Luna turned her attention away from Marller when I spoke, her eyes traveling to what I was looking at before sighing in recognition of what I was probably thinking.

"Hmmm..." Hild's breath was all but in my ear as she once more violated my personal space. "Bemoaning lost broth besmirched by the bowels of the Earth..."

Before I could react to her English alliteration, she continued.

"That curse seems to be a rather troublesome sort. Forced dimorphism with a Schmidt trigger centered on a temperature of two point one six three times ten to the negative thirty..."

What?

With a snap, Hild conjured up what appeared to be a water balloon, sans the balloon. A quick flick of the wrist, and the blob splashed into Shampoo, leaving a sputtering naked Chinese girl in its wake.

Scarcely did the warrior have time to respond when a second balloon-less water balloon struck her, rendering her back into a kitten.

"I like its simplicity, but it's going to get in the way," the Daimakaicho continued. "It's definitely a good prank but... Ma-Chan?"

Marller stopped in her tracks, now sporting a small octopus on her shoulder with disturbingly human-like eyes scrubbing away at one of the plastic plates.

"Hai! Hild-sama?"

"I believe we have a potential contract on our hands here," Hild commented with a tone as sweet as tainted honey. "If I'm not mistaken, I'm sure our little pink kitten-friend here would love to have this curse undone, if only for a little while."

Even with a feline form, Shampoo's body language was very telling as her ears shot straight up, her eyes locking right on to Hild.

"Curse?" Marller wandered over with a slightly cautious leer, her eyes scrutinizing the kitten who had previously been a young girl pummeling the demon into next year. "Okay so I see it no-"

Marller's face took on a look of shock and everything she was holding clattered to the floor as she jumped back.

"-wha-wha... WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!" she all but exploded.

"Mreow?" Shampoo blinked. In an instant, Marller lept forward, picking the kitten up.

"This is-" Marller sputtered again. "What the actual hell!? Hild-sama! Are you seeing this?"

"Indeed Ma-cha-"

"This curse is-!" Marller continued. "This- This is GARBAGE!"

Without ceremony, Marller pitched Shampoo straight up, grabbing her own head in the process and retching and howling in disgust. Shampoo just missed colliding with the ceiling before Hild effortlessly shifted over and caught her.

"Who!?" Marller continued in an outrage. "Who creates a curse like that?"

I traded glances with Luna, who just shrugged in confusion at the demon's outburst. Ever the diplomatic one, Luna asked the question that I assume was more or less on everyone's mind. Or at least, those of us who couldn't see curses.

"What seems to be the problem?" she asked.

Marller stopped raging at nothing, blinking before turning her sights on the feline.

"Ah," she gasped. "You probably wouldn't get it but... This curse. It's written by a complete MORON!"

Luna blinked.

"Bah!" Marller growled, placing her hands close together and causing the air between them to glow. "Explaining it won't do any good, you have to see this to get it..."

With a few mutterings and a motion that reminded me of expanding easy-construction tent supports, Marller shaped her glowing space into something that looked more akin to a small rectangle, then all but shoved it in our faces.

"Take a look at this!" she snapped.

Luna glanced at it, confusion written on her features. Not one to be left out, I leaned over her shoulder to get a look myself:

* * *

/*

Jusenkyo

Tsundere Aqua Curse Ver 0.5b

*/

#INCLUDE transmute.h

#INCLUDE ENERGY.E

#INCLUDE MATH.M

#INCLUDE temporal.t

#INCLUDE environ.u

#DEFINE VICTIM kitten

#DEFINE NORM newsubmerge

void change();

#DEFINE WATERLIKELY 1.75

/******************************

/*

Two stage transformative curse function. Splitting primary trigger mechanism

and transformation subroutine into two parts makes it harder to break. My

brother won't see it coming... ;)

*/

/******************************

/ Define Curse Trigger based on water temperature and call transform function.

form master(){

float WaterTemp;

BEGIN:

scanE("%f" , &WaterTemp)

if(WaterTemp = 2.147E-30 || WatertTemp = 2.179E-30){

change();}

else{

goto BEGIN;}

goto BEGIN;}

/Define transformation as returning to normal or not.

void change(){

form body;

float WaterTemp

scanE("%f", &WaterTemp)

if (WaterTemp = 2.147E-30){

body = VICTIM;}

else if (WaterTemp = 2.179E-30){

body = NORM;}}

* * *

"Huh..." I blinked, recognizing parts of it from old computer science class. "Curses are written in C?"

"Er..." Marller glanced up at me. "No. That's just the closest thing I could get that wouldn't melt your mind into a slagged heap of despair and agony. Showing magic in its true code form would be more akin to subjecting your auditory center to a seizure-inducing laser light show made of left turns."

Of course, because that makes sense... Also-

"It has comments in it," I pointed out. "How does it have comments? In English, I should mention... Shouldn't they at least be in Chinese?"

"Curses retain the will of the one who created them," Hild informed us. I frowned, turning to her.

"In THAT kind of detail?"

Hild shrugged. "Welcome to magic."

"That's not the point though," Marller continued with another growl. "LOOK at this code. LOOK AT IT!"

I looked at it again. And...

"Not sure what I'm looking for," I continued. "Kind of a mess-"

"EXACTLY!"

We ALL jumped back from Marller at that outburst. The window vanished like a popping soap bubble as the demon clenched her fists, seething.

"The code is an absolute trainwreck!" she snapped. "It's redundant! It's repugnant! It's been completely trashed line-for-line into a compact, borderline unsalvageable mess. There are more calls to beyond than it even needs to function! And speaking of functions, it's broken into two even though it doesn't need it! And don't even get me started on the instant redirects! The little girl that created this curse was just... JUST..."

"Mortal?" Hild chimed in.

"YES!" Marller snarled. "Why do mortals always write superstring code? Do they not understand how much damage they could do to the cosmos if-"

"Does she always get like this?" Luna almost made me jump as she spoke quietly into my ear.

"I have no idea," I replied. "She loses it a lot, but never like this..."

"Last time she did this," Hild shrugged between us, "she tried to teach some mortal named Merlin how to properly manipulate the code. Such things aren't allowed, even for demons, so she got sealed into a CD over it."

Oh: 'She broke the Rules', as Belldandy had said in Marller's introductory arc. I always wondered what Marller had done that was so nefarious that she had to be sealed. Considering that she seems to have a conscience.

"Huh..." I verbalized.

"A pity too," Hild smirked. "He held promise..."

"-but enough about that." I tuned back into Marller as she ended a rant, huffing from the effort. She spun in place, dramatically pointing down at Shampoo. "Do you want me to fix your curse?!"

"What?" Luna blinked, "Not Hild?"

"Eh..." Hild rolled her eyes at Luna. "What's the little kitten got that I want? This one's all Ma-chan."

"Wait," I began. "What's Shampoo got that Marller could want?"

Shampoo, at this point, was nodding furiously up at Marller, who now sported a manic grin of her own.

"Okay then," the demon announced. "But this kind of thing doesn't come free. You'll have to do something for me in exchange."

Shampoo all but bounced in place, continuing to nod.

I sucked in a breath. Luna sucked in hiss. Yeah, we both knew where this was going.

"Shampoo don't just-" I began. Then Hild slapped a hand over my mouth before whispering quietly into my ear.

"Let her make her own mistakes," she chided in a soft, but dangerous tone. "You want her to learn, yes?"

I couldn't nod or shake my head either way, so I let my response come out as a defeated sigh.

"Good," Hild smiled sweetly. "Now just sit and enjoy the show."

"If you want me to fix your curse," Marller continued with a sadistic glint in her eye and a dangerous bite to her voice. "You'll have to give me something in return. Something so precious that you'll regret it later."

Shampoo backed up, the first signs of unease showing up on her features as her ears flattened. It didn't help that Marller was really starting to get into the act. Despite the visible signs of all the punishment she'd received recently, she was sporting a full on shark-like appearance and likely radiating as much first-class demon aura as she reasonably could. Finally, the dam burst, and the demon made her demand.

"You'll have to apologize to me!" Marller announced with the finality of a shakespearian actor.

I think everyone in the room blinked in surprise.

"That's... It?" Luna voiced my thoughts. "An apology?"

"Yeah," Marller glared at us in annoyance. "Did you see what this girl was doing to me earlier? I didn't even do anything and she was going for maximum brutality. Normally I'd be more than willing to fix this travesty of a curse without even a contract, but little miss bulldozer here had to murder first and ask questions never. At the very least, she owes me an apology for that."

"Huh..." Luna blinked. "You know, that's a good point. Carry on."

Marller took that as her cue to turn back to Shampoo, who I'm pretty certain had been quietly chittering in laughter while the demon was ignoring her. However, she quickly hid it once attention was focused on her once more.

"So what's it going to be?" Marller asked. "Do we have a deal?"

Shampoo glanced up at Marller with an unreadable expression. For a moment, part of me expected the Joketsuzoku-turned-kitten would decide to be contrary simply for the sake of pride. But then, Shampoo sat back on her haunches, raising one paw to her chest before emitting an adorable 'mew' to the demon towering over here. In response, Marller blinked in genuine surprise.

"Well," Luna stated, slightly shocked. "She actually apologized quite elegantly for someone who's understanding of Felix is strictly implanted by a curse... Color me impressed."

Marller continued to look a little shocked for a few more seconds before she remembered she wasn't alone. Quickly coughing into her fist to try and hide the awkwardness, she responded to what I guess was the nicest thing anyone had said to her in a while.

"I guess we have a contract then," she bent down, reaching out her hand. "Let's shake on it and take care of this disgusting curse."

Shampoo nodded, reaching out with a paw to meet Marller's outstretched hand.

The moment the two made contact, the room begin to fill with a glow that wasn't all too dissimilar to that cast by a black light. As this occurred, Marller began rapidly muttering in demonic code-speak. Ever hear an old cassette tape play backwards? It kind of sounded like that.

Then, there was a sharp, shrieking sound and a crack, and we found ourselves blinded by a burst of smoke and vapor.

It smelled distinctly of sulfur and methane, the usual you'd expect from a recently used toilet. I about gagged at the smell.

"Hahah!" I heard Marller crow from somewhere in the cloud of 'bleh'. "It's done! It took a little bit of effort to recompile it around your transient nature, but your curse is as good as fixed! Better even!"

Fighting back my urge to retch again, I peaked through the dissipating smoke, expecting to see a naked warrior girl patting herself down and ready to demand clothes.

Except there was no warrior chick standing there.

Just a kitten.

Just a pink, confused looking kitten who was probably a few seconds away from unleashing claws of rage... If I was predicting the future with any accuracy.

"You didn't do anything!" Luna shouted from next to me. "She's still a kitten!"

Shampoo finished checking her still-feline body out and glared up at the demon, a look of outrage on her face.

"MREOW!" she snapped.

"I did so!" Marller replied in her own burst of outrage. "You wanted your curse fixed! I fixed your curse!"

"MEOW MEOW MEOW!"

"It's not MY fault you weren't specific about it! If you wanted to be human again, you should have said something sooner."

"MEOW!"

"I did! Not only is the curse corrected for proper coding practice, but I commented out the trigger mechanism so you wouldn't be changed by splashes of water any more."

"MREOW!"

"You're still a kitten because you didn't specify any particular form to be locked in! Sheesh! It's like you mortals don't know how to watch out for obvious holes in your contracts!"

As the three of us (Hild was rather quiet, but smirking) watched the argument unfold, I felt torn between wanting to laugh, and coming over to tell Shampoo 'I told you so'. Problem of course, was that Hild already prevented me from warning her in the first place. So really, no 'told you so's were forthcoming.

"This is absurd," Luna finally chimed in, stepping between the demon and the kitten. "I thought it would have been obvious she'd want to be human again. Why didn't you take that implication?"

"Look," Marller crossed her arms, floating in the air slightly. "When you've worked around enough people wanting wishes out of you as I have, you learn not to take anything a person says beyond the face value. If the concept of Monkey's Paw, Rules Lawyering, or a Jackass Genie is somehow beyond you, then that's really your problem, not mine. You do business with a demon, you need to be specific, end of story."

"Can't we just skip the argument and turn her into a human again?" Luna pleaded. "It can't be that hard..."

"That's not how this works," Marller stated plainly. "You get a wish, I get a favor. A demon's services aren't free."

"But," Luna began in confusion. "You just said you'd fix the curse for free not five minutes ago!"

"Yeah," Marller blew a puff of air out of her mouth, rising from a floating-stand position into a floating cross-legged position. "Because I got something out of it. I wouldn't have to look at that disgusting amateur coding every time I glanced towards the kitten here. That was as much for my own sake as hers. I threw in disabling the trigger because she apologized. You want more? Make another contract."

"I can't believe you're being this stubborn!" Luna snapped. "Why can't you bend a little?"

"Because that's not how demons work," Hild interrupted the argument, floating over to the trio. "Or did you forget what your companion told you about us the last time you were here?"

Luna's mouth snapped shut as she turned to Hild. The Daimakaicho was sporting a particularly wicked sneer to go with the acid-flavored honey of her voice.

"We make contracts with mortals and exchange wishes for favors. We obey the contracts to the letter, be they verbal, or written. Perhaps the lesson little Shampoo will take from this is to be more-" Hild reached down and ran a caress through Shampoo's fur. "-careful, about what contracts she'll agree to in the future."

Shampoo shot Hild a glare sharp as daggers, but the Daimakaicho dutifully ignored the non-threat even as the warrior-turned-kitten started mewling and growling quietly. I sighed into the conversation.

"So you're just going to leave her stuck like that?" I asked.

"Marller's alterations will fade once she leaves this world again," Hild shrugged. "You should know that since you pretty much called it last time."

"Yeah," I reluctantly agreed. "Maybe, but... It's going to be hard to talk to her like this. I'll have to have Luna translate constantly. You don't think you can give her the ability to talk like that, can you?"

Hild smirked.

"We most certainly CAN," she replied. "The question is, what do we get from it?"

Again, I sighed. Was it really so hard to get these two to do something simply because it was helpful?

Why am I asking this question of DEMONS?

"I don't know," I found myself saying. "It might be useful to actually be able to TALK to Shampoo at some point while I'm doing whatever we've got coming up next. I can't do that if all she ever says is 'meow', you know?"

Hild's smirk vanished as she pondered on my logic for a moment. Then, with a smile that was more in agreement than exploitative, she raised her hand.

"Very well," she nodded. "But only because it suits our purpose, not because you asked. Luna?"

Luna backed up a step as Hild turned to her.

"Hold still," the Daimakaicho instructed. "I'm copying your language assist."

Luna nodded and stood in place as Hild snapped her fingers. A crack of noise later and the rambling undertone of quietly angry feline suddenly became a slightly more recognizable but still incoherent string of gibberish syllables.

"Er..." I began, "what's she saying?"

"You don't want to know," Marller shook her head.

"Chinese, right?" I asked.

"Mostly," Hild floated over to me. "There's some tribal specific dialect mixed in, but she's definitely got a way with words that would curdle milk. I definitely approve."

Then the Daimakaicho turned to me.

"Speaking of milk, we need to get you fed. What you've been through recently demands it if I want our plan to go through... Ma-Chan?"

Marller all but struck a salute.

"Come with me," she declared. "We'll find a nice place to feed our guests."

Hild then turned to us.

"Back in five!" she all but cheered. And then the two of them vanished with a hiss and a pop.

There was a gasp of relief from Luna right after they did so, the Felis Sapien looking suddenly exhausted as she took a moment to pop back into her feline form.

"I'm never going to get used to those two," she admitted. "Every bone in my body screams to run and hide, but at the same time I know it would be pointless."

"You're not the only one," I replied. "Worst part is, I'm starting to be able to FEEL Hild. Or I'm running a fever again. The woman gives me the chills when she puts on the ice queen act."

"Shampoo took it surprisingly well," Luna pointed out, pawing her way over to the still simmering kitten.

"Shampoo too angry for scared," the kitten announced suddenly. "She get tricked by wimp demon when should have know better."

"Oh give it a rest," I sighed, leaning up against a wall and sliding down next to the two of them. "Just remember what we've learned from this experience."

Shampoo joined me with a sigh of her own as she turned slightly to inspect her kitten body for any possible changes, good or bad.

"Shampoo know," she muttered after a moment. "No jump into deal being too good. Shampoo also need be more specific when haggling. Great grandmother right. Shampoo think too much with fist lately. No stop to think plan through. No thought for after. Just smash."

"Well," Luna chimed in. "At least you figured it out on your own. Plus, I think you got off easy, so there is that."

"There is," I agreed. And Hild was kind of right about letting Shampoo make her own mistake. With all the mind-reading she'd been doing, it came as no surprise in hind sight she'd let that happen. Part of me really wondered how much of what Hild was doing was malicious, and how much of it was a demonic, creepy kind of 'tough love'.

For the time being though, I had just one last question to get answered that had been tickling the back of my mind almost from the moment I was awake:

"So," I began. "Why is Shampoo here with us in the first place?"


	31. Devils in the Details

* * *

**Chapter 30: Devils in the Details**

_If Satan wasn't around, churches would go out of business._

_\- Marilyn Manson_

* * *

  

“Let me get this straight,” Marller crossed her arms. “You-” she pointed at feline Shampoo, “-decided to come along with him at the last second... As backup. So in the time it took for him to pass out, you splashed yourself with cold water to activate that-”

Marller gagged

“-Curse; slipped under his arm, without him noticing I might add; and pretended to be a pillow?”

“Shampoo like to think it more clever than that,” the pink kitten responded with the best 'scrunchy' look she could muster with her normal voice coming out of a feline mouth. “ But yes, he not notice.”

I was feeling a bit enlightened as the two chattered. As it would turn out, I HAD actually been drugged to put me to sleep. By Luna of all people. Though, it was just a strong dose of diphenhydramine HCl (those sleeping pills) dropped into my soup when I wasn't looking. I thought it tasted funny...

“I figured it would work better if you didn't realize it, she'd said. “You were already cranky from everything else going on. So I decided to worry about that part for you.”

Go figure...

“And you,” Marller continued, interrupting my thoughts as she pointed at a human Luna. “You went along with it?”

Luna shrugged.

“I was thinking we could use a little backup myself,” she postured around a mouth full of omelet. Then she swallowed. “She's amazingly strong, and fast too.”

“So I noticed,” Marller subconsciously rubbed at one of her ribs with a scowl. “She launched into attacking me without so much as a 'Hi! How are you?'. Just went STRAIGHT to smashing.”

“We're working on that,” I cut in before Shampoo could voice a retort. “If it makes you feel any better, we got the same response the first time we showed up in her bed.”

“Kill first and ask questions later?” Marller asked me with a raised eyebrow.

“Brutally,” I replied. “Luckily, I knew about her curse and countered.”

“Pft...” Shampoo scoffed. “Cheater.”

Marller smirked in response, a quiet chuckle escaping her in the process.

“At least Shampoo's plan going smooth,” the amazonian kitten responded with a huff. “Shampoo here, can help train Lunakitty be better fighter, help new village survive.”

Marller openly scoffed at this point.

“Is being problem?” Shampoo turned to the First Class Demon.

“No!” Marller waved her hands. “No, no... no...”

Then she rolled her eyes.

“It's just that your plan seems less like a plan, and more like you jumped in head first and slapped a sticker labeled 'plan' on it after the fact. And to be as brutally honest with you as you were just plain brutal earlier: It's kind of a dumb plan.”

Is there an expression name for 'indignant fluff'? Because in kitten form, Shampoo pulls off an amazingly adorable version of that. Also, pot-kettle-

“Black.” I spoke the last part of my thought aloud.

“I beg your pardon?” Marller turned to me.

“Nothing,” I waved my partially internal comment aside. “Just remembering that time you found that tea kettle that would suck anyone who put their lips to the spout into it... And had no idea how to get said lips onto said spout until Hild taught you an illusion.”

Marller blinked in silence.

“Huh...” She spouted after a moment. “The alternate reality fiction thing wasn't just a joke... Also, screw you. I doubt you could do any better at the time.”

“I could come up with something,” I retorted. “Polymorph spell maybe? Make it a soda bottle?”

“Oh give it a rest,” Luna interrupted. “Your best plan to date was running people in circles. And that suffered from a major setback. I would know, I was there.”

Ow! Low blow from the flanks! That, kinda' hurt coming from Luna.

“Well, sorry for trying,” I crossed my arms. “I suppose your plan was better?”

“Hmph!” Luna smirked around another bite of omelet. “Of course it was. Mine was successful.”

“You didn't know how to extract the crystal,” I shot back.

“I knew Kunzite did,” Luna frowned. “I was banking on that.”

Okay, wait, what?

“You were expecting Kunzite to show up?” I asked.

“You weren't?” Luna blinked back. “From the way you were talking, I thought it was pretty obvious he'd pop right up when things got going.”

Er...

“It kinda' caught up with me late,” I hesitantly responded. “When were you planning on letting me know about that part of the plan?”

Luna put her fork (don't ask, not getting into it) down and gave me a serious look for a moment.

“Never,” she said. “I took my cue from you after that fiasco with Miss Narusegawa. If even explaining one's plan causes it to backfire, I wasn't about to give anyone more details than they needed to know. I figured you had a handle on how to best deal with Kunzite. You certainly looked like you knew what was going on too. So I didn't question it.”

Huh... I think my mind just got blown.

“Huh...” I vocalized in sync with my mind.

“I do actually Learn,” Luna returned to her omelet, taking a single bite. “I didn't decide to follow along with you on this interdimensional ride a second time only to wear blinders. If my world is fiction to you, who's to say everything we're doing right now isn't fiction to someone else? And if you ask me, trying to be the lone hero of a story is a fast track to insanity. You've already pushed yourself past your limits and are in no state to keep it up without SOMEONE to watch your back. And it doesn't do us any good if that someone doesn't try to think around you-”

She turned and all but jabbed her fork in my face.

“-And your random bouts of impulsiveness.”

That being said, Luna nommed on another bite, silence dominating the spot we were in. After a minute or so, Marller decided to voice her own thought.

“Well... She wins.”

All present except Luna shot the demon a look.

“What?” she asked. “She beat my ideas easily enough, and Death Claws here certainly isn't a box of brilliance if you consider her current packaging.”

Shampoo shot Marller an extra evil-eye for that comment, but said nothing.

“I'm just saying,” Marller continued, her hands raised defensively.

“Shampoo remember later,” the kitten warned.

“I'll keep my schedule open,” Marller rolled her eyes.

Thus far, breakfast could be going better. But it was going. It was still early, only the faintest glow visible on the eastern horizon. And we were in some twenty-four hour diner in which the only thing I could read were red letters in English labeled DEESAY. Whatever 'DEESAY' was. Luna said there was some smaller katakana below it that said/translated to 'Damn Delicious Dining'.

Why am I reminded of Torchy's Tacos?

Still, I appreciated the seemingly free meal (nothing is ever free around Hild, ever). Luna was wolfing down her second omelet with gusto, while I ate at a more sedate pace. It was the first solid meal I'd had, ramen not withstanding, in over a day, and I found my eyes glancing to the door between Shampoo's extended explanation, and the most recent mini-argument.

Marller seemed- I dunno, tense? -About the place. Especially when she first eyed the waitstaff behind the counter. Alfred Pennyworth meets Arnold Schwarzenegger with a touch of a random 'Bob' of a 'Bob's Grease Pit' type of place. I don't entirely blame her. He seemed a little out of place for a diner on the corner of a Japanese college campus...

Not that I know what's IN place on a Japanese college campus. He looked more like a tank than a dish washer. Even had a jawline that could probably be used as a sledgehammer in an emergency.

Key point to take out of all of this. This diner was odd, and it unsettled a demon first class.

And that made me a little more aware too. Not that it was seedy-looking or anything. But...

“Hey,” Luna nudged me. “No zoning out. Eat... Before something else gets thrown at us and interrupts things.”

“Lunakitty right,” Shampoo commented from her spot on the stool next to me. “You is needing food. Ramen no replace egg and meat.”

Not wanting to argue, I turned back to my own meal. It was a simple steak and eggs breakfast. Priced like you would expect for Japan, but not like the steaks in Nerima. Not that I was paying, as I mentioned previously.

Still don't trust Hild entirely.

“So yeah,” Marller spoke up after a few minutes of brooding silence on her part, getting the attention of the waitstaff. “You seem strangely at ease with an animal at your counter,” she indicated Shampoo currently locked in her kitten form. “Not the usual behavior for a mortal...”

Mordecai (Name Tag in English: 'Hello. My name is: Mordecai') chuckled as he worked on cleaning a mug from what was likely the last late night patron before we got here.

“The owner's motto is simple,” he stated calmly in a voice that had more mass to it than even his build suggested. “If it speaks, it eats.”

“Really?” Marller narrowed her eyes just slightly. “Interesting motto...”

“Hild probably owns the place,” Luna quipped. “I wouldn't put it past her.”

“Don't say such base things!” Marller snapped around in a flustered bout of panic. “Hild-Sama would never lower herself to such vulgar enterprises as running a front business in the mortal realm!”

“Oh?” Mordecai piped up, joining the conversation after putting the mug he'd washed away. “Why not?”

Marller turned to the man behind the count- Actually, I don't think that's a man. And I don't mean of the 'not man' of the Ranma curse variety.

“It's beneath her!” Marller snapped at him, then paused. “Wait, what's this matter to you? Go back to your dishes or something!”

“Beneath the Daimakaicho you say?” Mordecai grinned with teeth that were unnaturally large and pointy for a human. Yep, not a human. Marller saw this and grew several shades more pale in the process.

“Wai-wha-you!” she snapped. “What's your class and license?!”

“Third class,” Mordecai stated calmly. “Restricted license. I run this shop as instructed. No more, no less.”

Well, questions answered quick enough. And I'm totally not surprised at this point? Ugh, if this is becoming 'Tuesday' to me...

“And why wasn't I informed of this?!” Marller snapped in outrage. “How long have you been here?”

“You never asked,” Mordecai responded cheekily. Shampoo snickered from her spot but said nothing as Marller shot her a brief sidelong sneer.

“And before you even got released,” Mordecai continued. “I honestly expected you to notice the Devil's Advocate a lot sooner. Instead, you set up shop in a warehouse and completely forgo back-end support.”

Then he shrugged.

“Not my fault you have the attention span of a human with ADHD. And I'm not licensed to make a ruckus to get your attention, so… Whatever.”

Burn.

Marller raised a hand as if to gesture and opened her mouth, but no sound came and after a moment she visibly deflated and flopped down in the chair on my right.

Luna paused from her food, giving both Marller, and then Mordecai a brief glance before crinkling her nose and diving back into her, now nearly wiped out omelet.

“Why me?” Marller mumbled dejectedly.

Feeling a pang of sympathy for her mood, I reached up and gently pat her on the shoulder.

“Eh,” I began. “Just let it go.”

Marller's head snapped over without coming off the counter, shooting me a half-hearted glare.

“I don't need sympathy from a mortal,” she grumbled.

“You apparently do,” I shot back with a smirk. Marller just blinked in confusion at the response, but said nothing before-

“And you need to eat,” Luna's voice chided.

“Wha-” I turned around, only to have something shoved in my mouth, cutting any further reply off at the source. Not expecting the invasion, I ended up nearly choking on what, after a moment, was determined to be scrambled eggs and cheese.

“If you won't feed yourself, then I'll just have to do it for you,” Luna stated in an admonishing tone as I shoved her hand away, knocking a fork out of her grip and over the counter. “You're a lot of things, but good at following the doctor's orders seems not to be one of them.”

There was the sound of brief, but controlled snickering from behind me that quickly silenced itself. And in front of me on the other side of Luna, Shampoo rolled her feline eyes with a smirk of her own.

“Shampoo glad she not have to pretend to be wife anymore,” she stated quietly. “Lunakitty doing good job without help.”

Really? Now?

Mordecai, who'd gone and fetched the fork when it went overboard, stepped over with a fresh one, setting it purposefully down with a click.

“Perhaps you should listen to the ladies,” he stated dutifully. “I cannot claim to know what is going on, but if the Daimakaicho has you in the center of it, you'll need all the strength a mortal can get.”

Silence reigned. And I don't mean the usual pause in the conversation, but the true silence of a man, surrounded by females, getting told by another man, to listen to said females. And knowing he was right. Granted, Luna has had a track record of being right at just about all times outside of combat...

Frankly, I wasn't in the position, or mood, to really put up an argument. I mean, I WAS eating, I'm just distracted easily at time-

My hand shot out and procured the new fork as my brain realized that if I sat there much longer, I'd likely end up with Luna stuffing another bite in my mouth. If it's one thing she'd picked up in the last week being hauled around the multiverse with me, it was the willingness to press the issue directly.

Not that she had too much trouble before, but a human body opened up entirely new opt-

…

FOOD.

EAT.

NOW.

Arm obeyed, egg shoveled from plate to mouth, teeth chewed.

REPEAT.

I shouldn't let my mind wander so much. It might get caught in a dark alley and mugged. My lack of focus might be blood chemistry, tiredness, or both, but it goes right back to my rising concern about my not-so-subtle failures in impulse control. Even as I continued to eat, letting the flavor of the food bring my motivation to eat up to my normal speed, I found myself pondering on my actions of the last few days. My temper snapping at record speed, following through with a stupid action, and now I'm starting to notice my focus lacking...

I know I'm prone to a shorter attention span, but how hard did Bakane really hit me? I can only assume that concussion did more damage than I thought. This goes beyond mere poor decisions.

The ringing of the bell on the front door brought me out of my fugue with a start, revealing that in my own musings I'd almost wiped out my eggs.

Well... Progress. 

“Ah, good morning Mishima-san,” Mordecai stated.

Mishima?

Mishima... Mishima...

Why does that name sound familiar? Aside from the fact that in half the Anime and video game content I've consumed over the years there was always a Mishima somewhere. Heihachi Mishima... Half a dozen Mishima Heavy Industries. Just off the top of my head.

Twisting the best I could, I cast a glance at the entrance to the shop to spot a brown-haired woman with straight locks.

Dammit, why are women in this setting disproportionately stunning?

The getup she wore looked to be on the fancier side of business casual, though the cravat-looking bit definitely took it up a notch. Heck, her red overcoat even looked like it was immaculately pressed.

It was only her expression that didn't match her outfit. She was only just in the door, and staring at me with a look that screamed of the brain under the hood demanding a morning sacrifice of the black necter of the go-

Here I am hosted by demons, about to make THAT pun.

I snorted at my own internal humor, earning a scowl from the woman before she determinedly looked away. Her glance only took a second to trail to the others in the room before she blinked in confusion.

After that initial blink and a flurry of indecipherable half-expressions, she settled on letting out a sigh and pinching the bridge of her nose.

“It's too early for this,” she muttered, before slowly advancing towards the counter, passing me by and sitting at a stool two past Shampoo. It should be noted that she made an active effort not to glance at the purple kitten.

“Mordy-kun,” she all but drawled in a half-whine. “Do you have my usual ready?”

“As always,” Mordecai was already half way to her with a steaming cup of what could only be assumed to be coffee. “Triple-shot espresso with hazelnut and a shot of vodka for that kick you like so much. Prepared exactly five minutes before you got here so it should have cooled just enough to drink.”

'Mishima', the only name I could dredge up from her somewhat familiar face at the moment, smiled tiredly, still ignoring my group as she accepted the steaming (still steaming yet cool enough to drink?) cup and took to inhaling the scent with her eyes closed.

“Your timing is perfect as always,” Mishima sighed. “And I still haven't found anyone who can get this just right like you can.”

“The devil's in the details,” Mordecai chuckled. Whether at the compliment, or the pun he just sent sailing over Mishima's head, I'm not certain. “Though I think the problem might be that most coffee shops don't have liqueur, and most bars don't do espresso.”

Mishima smirked, her features already starting to liven up enough for her to steal a glance towards the rest of us. However, she quickly returned to her drink, not quite ready to acknowledge the direction her reality had taken this morning.

“Hey,” Luna poked me quietly. “You've fixated on her, which means you know her and owe me an explanation.”

“Eh?” I glanced at the Felis Sapien.

“Who is she?” Luna all but stage whispered.

“Er...” I began, glancing as Mishima made yet another valiant attempt to ignore us. “I know her, but my brain's being uncooperative at the moment. Sai- Sak- Sam- No. Dammit. I should know-”

“Sayoko.”

I twisted to face Marller, who was leaning her head into her hand with a look on her face that was somewhere between bored and cross.

“Mishima Sayoko,” she continued. “I've worked with her.”

Sayoko... Sayoko?

OH! YES! There's that memory.

Sayoko Mishima.

“Campus Queen,” I snapped my fingers as I verbalized her 'title'. “Hates Belldandy.”

“That's her,” Marller nodded. “Easy contract, though she botched her end at the last moment. Not my problem though, I got what I wanted, mostly. She wasn't really determined about it so that one kind of fell apart before we could really draw Belldandy into pain and despair.”

“Oh...” Luna voiced, casting her own glance at Sayoko with her next question aimed more at me. “So... Soft antagonist?”

Luna glanced again, giving the brown-haired woman an up and down.

“Spoiled rich girl?”

THAT made Sayoko turn with a glare.

“Hey!” she snapped. “I'm right here, and I'm not spoiled!”

“Totally spoiled,” Marller stage-whispered to the counter with an antagonistic grin. If it weren't for the fact that I couldn't turn fast enough to see it, I might have seen Sayoko's scowl in response.

“And what have you been up to?” the 'spoiled rich girl' asked in a practiced snooty tone. “More parlor tricks I presume? Weren't you working at that convenience store in town? How IS that going?”

Marller's grin melted into a murderous glare. 

“Chupacabra,” she muttered darkly.

“I beg your pardon?” Sayoko asked.

“Chupacabra,” Marller continued louder. “Because I've already used the teddy bear option.”

“No polymorphing mortals in the shop,” Mordecai announced from the kitchen. Marller 'clicked' for lack of a better term, crossed her arms, and sat on her stool like a child that had just been reprimanded.

Sayoko took one look at the reaction and covered a mocking laugh with her hand.

Thinking about it, the teddy bear probably referred to the time she turned that earth spirit into...

“Did you ever undo that one?” I asked. Marller blinked, not quite sure what I was talking about. Realizing my mistake, I elaborated.

“That Earth Spirit... From a while back? When you were using Morisato Megumi as a pawn?”

I could almost hear Sayoko behind me frown around another sip of her over-complicated coffee. Even as Marller caught on and scoffed in dismissal.

“Pfft! No!” She denied. “Why would I do that?”

“Oh come on,” I frowned. “He was just doing his job.”

“He kicked me in the face!” Marller snapped. “He should consider himself lucky that's all I left him as. I could have turned him into a mouse. Then he could be eaten by a cat...”

Marller paused, looking past me to Luna.

“No offense.”

“None taken,” Luna shrugged. “But that does bring up one question...”

“Oh?” Marller raised an eyebrow in response.

“Is he at least a CUTE teddy bear?” the felis sapien asked with a smirk. Marller's grin turned fiendish in response.

“Adorable,” she all but cackled. “Blue and soft, and puny. I bet Morisato Megumi's still got him on a shelf.”

Then the demon smacked a fist into her palm.

“Or next to her pillow! Oh, that would be just perfect. If I undid that transformation at just the right, see: wrong, moment, I could pull a fast one on Morisato's sister. Heheheheh... It would be hilarious.”

“Indeed,” Luna nodded, then turned away again, seeming to stare at what was left of her plate in contemplation. “A most cruel and vicious prank. Just, wait until you have a camera.”

“Good idea,” Marller smirked. “I still owe her some hell anyway.”

Sayoko, who'd been watching the exchange in silence, was busy studying us from behind her espresso. I was willing to bet she couldn't decide on who was crazier in this conversation.

“So,” Luna addressed me once more. “I'm sensing opportunity here. She's the rich girl-”

Luna motioned to Sayoko.

“-in this setting. Right?”

Sayoko's espresso came down and she fixed Luna with a scowl. Glancing between her rapidly curdling features and Luna's- I'm starting to recognize Luna's 'Diplomatic Face'. Though if she's about to diplomance, I don't know what manner of diplomacy involves pretty much describing the to-be-diplomanced party in an insulting fashion right in front of them.

“Yeeeeah...” I continued, sensing that rapid drop in good will in the room. “Daughter of the owners of a massive industrial conglomerate.”

“Then she's perfect for you,” Luna smirked.

Sayoko choked and we were only saved from a spit take by the fact that she'd already lowered her beverage a moment ago.

“I- Excuse ME?!” She all but shouted. “Are you trying to hook him up with me?”

What? How does-

“Oh please,” Luna interjected, rolling her eyes.

“Yeah,” Shampoo spoke up. “Bakusai do much better than frilly money girl anyway.”

Sayoko froze, a retort dying on her tongue as her eyes drifted down to the pink kitten sitting on the stool.

“You not look strong at all,” the currently feline Joketsuzoku continued. “Probably break like toothpick in bed.”

She didn't...

Sayoko, eyes still locked on Shampoo, slowly reached out, placing her drink firmly on the counter.

“Mordy-kun,” she all but whined. “I promise I won't be mad. Just tell me what you put in my drink...”

“Same as always,” Mordecai responded from the kitchen. “The strongest thing in it is the Vodka.”

“Are you sure?” she asked. “Because I'm hallucinating a talking pink kitten that sounds like a bad dub of a Hong Kong action movie... And I didn't even watch any Bruce Lee films last night.”

“Oh,” Mordecai's voice returned. “No, nothing in your drink. The talking cat's real. Came in with the Demon First Class.”

“Oh. Hah hah,” Sayoko laughed unevenly. “Very funny Mordecai. Nice prank. You got me. Seriously...”

She leaned towards Shampoo, said kitten giving the young woman a wry look.

“If you wanted to tell me you were practicing ventriloquism you didn't need to go over the top.”

“You thinking Shampoo is doll?” Shampoo asked with a non-plussed look. “Is thinking this is joke?”

“And it's named after hair care products, hahahahaha...” Sayoko let out an uneasy laugh. “Is there another one around here named Conditioner?”

“You mocking Shampoo's name now?” said feline retorted, her tone dropping more towards a growl. “Is going to have to teach lesson?”

“Shampoo?” I found myself interjecting. “No smashing.”

“But is being disrespectful-”

“NO. SMASHING.” I raised my tone a little, cutting the transformed warrior off. “She's just a little off put from seeing a talking cat.”

“You mean a clever ventriloquism act,” Sayoko looked up to me with a slightly forceful yet manic look. “And I'm not 'off put'.”

“You will be if you grip that any harder,” I pointed out. Sayoko's head snapped around to find she was once more clutching her drink with a shaking hand, creases forming around her fingers in the styrofoam. With a quick, nervous 'heh', she released it before distracting herself with a glare back at me.

“And just what are you trying to pull?” she asked. “If this is some lame act to trick me into going on a date with you, you had best think twice if you think I'd fall for something like that.”

“I beg your pardon?!” Luna rounded on the woman with a sneer. “A DATE? Is that what you think-”

“Luna?” I interrupted.

“What?” she snapped back. After a few seconds and my best attempt to shake my head 'no', she took a deep breath and motioned for me to continue. Sayoko watched the exchange with growing irritation, before sneering at me herself.

“And if you're suggesting what I THINK you are,” she continued...

“Okay,” I cut in. “NO.”

Sayoko stopped as I let my tone act as a built in period.

“First,” I continued. “I'm in a neck brace, wearing bandages. I look like a mess, probably smell worse-”

“Smelling like needing bath,” Shampoo started to say.

“-Shampoo, not now,” I interrupted her, earning a glare but ignoring it as I continued to keep my eyes locked on Sayoko. “In what universe do you think I would EVEN consider myself to be in any kind of condition to make a pass at a girl?”

Sayoko said nothing, my logic making a rather solid point.

“Second,” I took advantage of that silence. “The pink kitten is sitting on a bar stool, moving on her own power and there's not a remote control or wire to be seen. And she also has her own plate of food...”

I motioned to said plate that Shampoo had been nibbling off.

“So is ventriloquism REALLY your final answer?”

Then I thumbed over my shoulder at Marller.

“Consider your company at the moment.”

Sayoko's eyes glanced back and forth between us as all present held their proverbial breath. After a few seconds she smirked.

“Okay, so it's a really well trained-”

“Wrong,” I interrupted. Sayoko lost her smirk, her glare hardening.

“Programmed animatronic-”

“Still wrong,” I cut her off. “Eats food.”

To facilitate my point, Shampoo smirked and snapped down some egg.

“A bio-engineered super-feline,” Sayoko snapped. I almost cut her off, but the absurdity of it was just...

Sayoko's glare switched quickly towards smug when I failed to fire back. Meanwhile, the look on my face was no doubt heading towards disgusted and shocked.

“A bio-engineered super-feline?!?” I finally snapped.

“Well, how else do you explain the purple fur, human-like intelligence, and the ability to speak?” Sayoko asked.

I opened my mouth to speak, but thought better of saying 'I dunno, magic?' considering how I would have responded to that question a week ago.

“Huh...” was all I responded with before continuing. “Well played.”

I cast my eyes at Shampoo, who probably didn't know what the heck we just said, all things considered.

“Wrong, but well played.”

“Yeah,” Marller cut in from behind me. “Amusing as this is, she's got a REALLY stubborn tendency to deny I'm a demon and Belldandy's a goddess. Calls her a witch...”

Then Marller made a gagging sound before snapping.

“It's insulting! A mere WITCH?!”

“Why does that bother you?” Luna asked. “I thought you wanted revenge or something?”

“It's insulting because as a First Class Demon, I'm on the same level as Belldandy!” Marller replied heatedly. “Calling her a witch is the same as calling ME a witch! A ninth rate, mortal, unlicensed magic user with zero training!”

“Are you still convinced that woman is some kind of divine being?” Sayoko asked with just a hint of superiority in her tone. “The woman rides a broomstick. How is she NOT a witch? I don't know why you keep insisting on perpetuating that absurd lie about her being a goddess when the evidence is right there in front of-”

There was a shuffle as Marller bolted to her feet, the sound of a cassette player in hyper-reverse, and a snap.

Sayoko exploded.

Well, she exploded into a dense cloud of that foul smoke that comes with Marller doing magic on someone. Everyone in the room immediately took to coughing and gagging at the smell, Luna waving it away from her face while Shampoo bolted from her spot to the counter next to me.

“UGH!” Sayoko's voice choked out in a tone that now sounded like she was casting herself as one of the Chipettes from Alvin and the Chipmunks. “And these parlor tricks! What is it with you and smoke bursts? How many ninja movies do you WATCH?”

The smoke cleared a little, revealing that Sayoko was no longer where, or rather, what we expected. Instead, the kitten with a fur coat that matched Sayoko's previous outfit was busy wafting the smoke away from her face too.

“And now I sound like I swallowed helium!” Sayo-kitty snapped. “Is this your idea of a joke? To make-”

Sayoko stopped, one ear flopping sideways as she looked up at us.

“What in the?” she began. “Did you lower my seat or-”

And finally, Sayoko noticed the elephant in the room. Or rather, the kitten in the room that wasn't Shampoo. In total silence, she just stretched out a foreleg, inspecting it and wiggling it in a manner not unlike a person who wasn't sure they were the ones controlling the limb. After a few moments of quite observation, she spoke.

“Mirror,” was the demand.

Marller, saying nothing, conjured up a small hand mirror and floated it down to Sayoko. Sayoko ignored this, but looked over her reflection, running a paw over her ears and flicking her new whiskers a few times.

“Huh,” she began in a slight introspective haze. “I'm actually kind of adorable like this...”

Then her eye twitched.

“This all makes sense now,” she spoke to nobody in particular. “I'm still asleep.”

Her eye twitched again, twice.

“I'm asleep, and this is a dream,” she continued. “Because there's NO WAY IN HELL this can be happening!”

And the dam burst.

“Not only is this impossible! But there's no way my brain would be big enough in this form! And speaking of big, doing this violates the conservation of mass since I can only be one to two kilos like this. I mean, I'm not heavy, but I'm not THAT light! And I'm pretty sure Mordy didn't drug me. Not with anything that would have me hallucinating being turned into a cat! So my conclusion, a dream! I'm still dreaming, and none of you are real! You're just leftover memory fragments from whatever movie I was watching last night, though I'm not sure what makes me dream about slobs in neckbraces-”

Shampoo prowled across the counter before hopping down next to Sayoko. Then, with an audible 'thwap', cuffed the girl-turned-kitten upside the head.

“OW!” Sayoko snapped. “That hurt you little-”

She suddenly stopped mid-sentence, her eyes proverbially growing to the size of saucers.

“Is not dream,” Shampoo spat in an annoyed tone. “Is demon magic to prove point. You is making too many excuse for own eyes. Make self blind and weak.”

Shampoo then hopped back up to her stool, but not before casting one more look Sayoko's way.

“So get over self before Shampoo have to beat sense into you.”

At that, Sayoko blinked twice, then glanced at the floating mirror one more time before she broke out into a fit of insanity giggles. After a few seconds of that, they became a full on mad laugh inter-spaced with delirious hyperventilating. Luna sighed.

“Great,” she muttered. “You went and broke her.”

“She'll live,” Marller rolled her eyes. “With that attitude of hers, I'm surprised I didn't do this sooner...”

“I think it's less the surviving and more the catastrophic damage you just did to her psyche,” I added, lamenting over the rapidly more rampant psychotic laughter. “Plus you just broke the rules...”

Marller made an audible choke sound.

“You may want to undo that before someone does unto you,” I added.

Marller grumbled, but said nothing before she repeated her cassette tape speak and snapped her fingers. Another foul fog later, and Sayoko was back to her normal self. Albeit sitting awkwardly on her stool still laughing like a mad woman.

“Still broken...” Luna frowned. “The idea I had doesn't work if she's a gibbering mess.”

“Look,” Marller sighed. “I can fix her body, but I try not to mess with people's minds. Hearts, sure, minds, no way. I've already seen enough of what that does to prefer staying well away if can. Call it first class experience.”

“Yeah...” I chimed in reluctantly. “She has a point. Plus this is just her sanity slipping, not magic.”

“Oh, you mean like yours?” Luna cast a smirk back at me.

“For me it's less crippling laughter and more kill everything in sight,” I replied bluntly. “You should know, Shampoo and Ranma had to pin me in place.”

Luna winced.

“Point taken,” she responded. “But we still need to calm her down.”

“You can try slap again,” Shampoo advised. “Make big enough pain more concern than crazy world.”

“Or you could try a bigger jolt,” Mordecai commented as he came around the counter. I almost jumped out of my chair myself, as he no longer looked like the very intimidating not-quite-human he was using as a cover. Instead, he looked very much like an orc or ogre. Large square jaw, protruding fangs sticking out of his under bite. Green-hued skin. How do you even GET green skin anyway?

“Ah...” Marller interjected into my thoughts. “Support services demon. Now it makes sense.”

Predictably, Sayoko's psycho-patented laughter came to an abrupt halt.

Also predictably, she let out an ear piercing shriek that sent Shampoo and Luna fleeing across the room. Marller simply grumbled, sticking a finger in one ear in annoyance.

Her initial outburst complete, Sayoko tried to backpedal away from the 'horror' before her, only remembering too late she was awkwardly perched in her feline posture, and toppled off the stool. Of course, in a full panic as she was, this didn't even register as she gasped for air and shuffled away from the demon.

“Really?” Mordecai responded in a deadpan as he leaned down next to her. “I serve you the perfect espresso every morning, and this is the thanks I get?”

“I doubt that's a concern,” Luna chimed in, covering her own ears in pain. “But no, go ahead and break her some more. I didn't have a plan at all.”

“Sarcasm is unbecoming of your my dear,” Mordecai responded without glancing back. “But seriously, I don't expect you to understand the nuances of expectation, fear, and dissonance. Or how they play together in a symphony of emotion.”

Sayoko just continued to hyperventilate in the corner she'd managed to shuffle too, eyes wide as saucers at the revealed demon.

“Seriously though,” Mordecai continued. “Miss Mishima, your behavior is atrocious. Or do you expect me to believe you always lose your composure over the slightest little thing?”

A few more terrified huffs burst from Sayoko's lungs, but the prod got a response.

“S-Slightest little thing?!” she asked, still horrified. “You... YOU'RE-”

“I'm what?” Mordecai put on a look of hurt. “Ugly? Terrifying? Inhuman?”

He tilted his head, smirking.

“Right on all three counts.”

Then he shifted back to a hurt look.

“But do you think screaming in horror is really appropriate? I serve you coffee every morning. And the first time I take my makeup off, you lose any and all dignity? What would others say if they saw you like this?”

Sayoko continued to stare, but already her panicked breathing was slowing down. So far, she had yet to be eaten by the monster. That probably helped, and I think I saw what Mordecai was doing.

Still...

“What?” Sayoko gasped.

“You didn't even pause to think about it,” Mordecai stood up to his now admittedly impressive full height with the hurt look on his face continuing. “Nor did you even consider MY feelings in the matter.”

With a casual turn, the orc/ogre/demon stepped towards the counter, reaching for Sayoko's drink. 

“What?” came Sayoko's now firmly confused response.

“Say what again-” popped out of my mouth before I registered I was doing so. “-And I start quoting Pulp Fiction.”

Sayoko's gaze traveled away from Mordecai to me, predictably eliciting the same response.

“What?”

Mordecai stuck one finger against Sayoko's foam cup, muttering something that sounded like typical demon spellcasting before turning back to the now reasonably calm young woman. Sayoko cringed at bit, but didn't immediately return to a panic when the demon reached a hand out to help her up.

“Come on,” he said. “Get up, and put all that nonsense behind you. I don't bite. Not my job.”

Sayoko blinked at the outstretched hand. I almost expected another 'what' out of her before she timidly reached out to accept the assist. Mordecai deftly pulled her to her feet and guided the young woman back to her stool, where she shakily recovered her drink and began nursing at it to remain calm.

“There, you see?” Mordecai continued as he stepped back around the counter. “We're all friends here.”

Then he paused, giving Marller an extended glance.

“Sort of.”

Sayoko, to her credit, cast her gaze at the rest of us now less with a look of disgust, and more a look somewhere between awe and terror. After a few seconds, she looked back at the ogre as he worked on removing Luna's plate (now all but licked clean) to the dirty dish bin.

“So...” she began, eyes flitting back and forth. “You're a-”

“Demon,” Mordecai interrupted. “Yes. Support services. Third class. Restricted license.” Then her pointed. “Marller is a first class, unlimited license for the field service division.”

“And they are...” her eyes wandered to me.

“Human,” Mordecai stated, then paused. “Well, he's human. Not sure about the kitten or the girl.”

“Shampoo human,” said kitten spoke up. “Just stuck in curse.”

“And they're transients,” Marller filled in. Sayoko nodded dumbly and nursed more coffee to stay calm. After a moment of gazing at us, she spoke up again.

“What's a transient?”

“From other worlds,” Mordecai answered, receiving an almost offended look from Sayoko. “What? I'm a demon, Marller's a demon, and you can't accept multi-verse theory?”

Sayoko's look softened back to contemplation while she used her drink as an excuse to remain silent. Very quickly this was setting up to be a pattern of hers.

After another minute, and no further questions, I turned to Luna with one of my own.

“So...” I began. “Exactly what was your plan again? Aside from turning Sayoko into Motoko Mark Two.”

“I was trying to ease her into it,” Luna pointed out. “It was Marller who went and shoved it down her throat.”

“Only after whack-a-demon here made a mess of things,” Marller interjected, indicating a scowling Shampoo. “I just sped the process up to save time.”

“It's called TACT,” Luna snapped before Shampoo could make this blame game go full circle. Marller smirked slightly in response. “Something the LOT OF YOU could use a lesson or two in.” Said smirk avalanched into a scowl. “I swear, I feel like I'm the only one who gets the concept."

“Oi,” I spoke up. “You're not the only one-”

“You're in no condition to speak,” Luna chided. “Not only have you recently decided to throw your only lifeline to the most powerful person we've met to date under a truck, you decided to experiment with figuring out a magic glove by blowing someone up while we were already on thin ice with the local superhuman law enforcement. I believe your behavior speaks for itself." 

During this tirade, I opened my mouth several times to retaliate. However, after processing what Luna said, I decided she was right.

As usual.

“S-Seriously?” Sayoko voiced up into an opening in the exchange. “You're arguing about... About...”

“Freaking you out?” I filled in, hopefully helpfully. “Yes. Because this is my life now.”

I turned to Luna.

“Right?”

“Seems that way,” she sighed. “Apparently the more universes are different, the more they're the same.”

“Okay...” Sayoko nodded as if understanding. “So... What was this plan you and everyone else keeps referring to? Obviously you need me for something.”

“Yeah...” Luna sighed, giving me an exasperated glance. “I was hoping he'd pick up on things a while ago. But, short version: We have a tentative deal with an elf to provide her with specialized goods that can only be produced by an industrialized world. Your status very obviously screamed the right connections to make good on that deal.”

“Uh-huh...” Sayoko nodded in slight disbelief. “An ELF...”

“Two demons, three sliders, in the room,” I pointed out in annoyance at her tone.

“Right.” she nodded curtly as if in fear of another reprisal from Marller. “So...”

A slight nudge in the ribs from Luna got my attention as she quietly cleared her throat. Glancing at her, she nodded her head back towards Sayoko.

“You've got the gold AND the gear,” she muttered. “And I got you an opening, now make with the bargaining.”

I gave Luna a blank look for a second, piecing the conversation together before it clicked the right way.

“Oh...” I began stupidly. “Oh. Okay. Apparently I'm doing this...”

For the first time since we got there, I stood up, causing everyone else in the room to wince as joints cracked in protest.

“Oh-kay,” I muttered. “That felt kinda' good.”

With a step I switched seats so I was sitting next to Sayoko, all but collapsing into the counter with all the grace of a phone book being dropped on a porch. Sayoko, to her credit, seemed a lot less put off by my appearance than before.

“You weren't joking when you said you weren't in any condition to make passes at girls,” she stated bluntly.

“Yeah,” I chuckled slightly. “Best part is, this is the best I've felt in two days.”

Sayoko frowned, giving me another once over. “This is your best?” she asked incredulously.

I risked as much twist as I could get out of my current bindings. “I've had a bad week.”

“No kidding,” she replied with a slightly arrogant touch of sarcasm. “What hit you? A bear?”

“Close. Giant murder-cat,” I replied a little too bluntly and automatically. “I suggest not fighting monsters at point blank. They hit like a truck.”

Sayoko, who'd shifted back a little at my reply, winced in genuine sympathy for the first time.

“Ow...” she stated before shifting her features to be more discerning. “So what is it you need from me that your friend is so desperate to drag me through an emotional bender I'm still not quite sure can't be blamed on my drink?”

“Leatherman,” I stated curtly.

Sayoko kept her gaze neutral, only giving a slight head tilt after a few seconds to ask for elaboration.

“Leatherman multi-tools?” I asked. “You know... Pliers, knives, screwdrivers... All folded into one-”

“Okay, I get it,” Sayoko interrupted. “So why not hit up a hardware store instead?”

“I need a bulk order,” I pointed out. “Probably something like a hundred. I'd be hitting every hardware store from here to the other side of Tokyo to get that many, and I don't have that kind of time.”

Sayoko nodded understandingly.

“So why me?” she continued. “And what's in it for me?”

“Well...” I began, then paused, turning. “Stand back... Luna?”

I reached out my arm so that it was clear, and popped my dimensional pocket open. Sayoko stared at it with a fresh look of fear passing across her face.

“You've experienced weirder in the last five minutes,” I pointed out bluntly, earning only a vacant nod. “Luna, I need the gold pouch.”

“On it,” Luna commented, walking around the portal before reaching in and feeling around. After a moment, she retracted her arm with the jangly money pouch that had become my interdimensional emergency fund.

With a nod, Luna plopped it on the table in front of me, and I closed down the gaping hole in space time.

“Let's just speak your language,” I stated, opening the drawstring and digging into the clinking coins within. After a few moments enjoying the feel of the cool metal coins making metallic poker-chip stacking sounds just out of sight, I pulled my hand free, four of said coins in my hand, and smacked them firmly on the table between us as if placing a high-stakes bet.

Sayoko gave the four coins an appreciative glance for a moment, before her eyes wandered back to me.

“I'm not entirely impressed,” she stated bluntly. “I've had money thrown at me before. It loses some of its meaning when you already have all the wealth you could want.”

I stared back, contemplating that for a moment. I wasn't expecting just throwing money at the problem not to work. Sayoko actually needed convincing!

“Look at it this way then,” I began tentatively after a moment. “You can be the first person in the world to conduct inter-DIMENSIONAL business.”

“First mortal, technically,” Marller chimed in. “Hild-sama already holds a contract with that honor. With you actually.”

“Right...” I rolled my eyes. “Whatever. First mortal. Point is, you get to become the first one to make a business deal that transcends spacetime itself. You go down in the history books as a world first in cross-universe business negotiation. If that's not worth a bulk order of Leathermen, I don't know what is.”

Sayoko gave me a stern look, eyes flicking back to the coins on the counter before returning to me.

“And if I don't believe you?” she asked.

“You literally got polymorphed into a cat not five minutes ago,” I pointed out.

“I'm still on the fence about whether this is even happening or not,” she rebuked. “Despite the evidence... This could even be a really elaborate scam. I am the daughter of the Mishima conglomerate. It's not outside the realm of possibility.”

Fair enough... Evidence not withstanding. She's stubborn. 

“Alright,” I conversationally agreed for a moment. “We'll do this then.”

Reaching to the counter, I grabbed the four coins and slid them closer to Sayoko.

“Consider this a down payment,” I advised. “I will double this upon delivery of what I'm asking for. But you get these now. Believe what I'm saying or don't. These are yours. Take them home, test them. Whatever. If I'm telling the truth, you gain some reputation and the most lucrative business opportunity of your generation. If I'm lying, you still walk away with four gold coins. Either way, you can't lose.”

Sayoko remained quiet for a minute or two. I decided at this point it would be better to let her think on it, even as she nursed her drink a little more. Finally, she set her drink down to ask another question.

“So,” she began. “A hundred Leatherman multi-tools?”

“Eh,” I waved my hand. “I was floating it. Whatever the gold will buy, minus what you think is a fair fee as the go-between.”

“And when do you need them?” she continued. I sighed, almost leaning back but remembering I was on a stool, not in a chair.

“The way all this jumping's been working out for me,” I sighed. “A week. We'll call it one week minimum. If I don't come around in a month, I'm either not looping through universes, or dead. At which point it won't matter and you can do as you please.”

“At which point I would be stuck with a bulk order of tools,” Sayoko pointed out.

“Like you couldn't just sell them for a profit,” I replied. “You're only investing time into this at practically zero expense. You lose nothing.”

“True,” Sayoko nodded after a moment. “Alright then...”

I perked up at how her tone lightened slightly.

“I'll take you up on this,” she stated near imperiously. “If the gold is good, you've got yourself a deal. But nothing moves until I test it personally.”

I almost grinned at the thought of something actually going my way today, what after the start we had in Marller's 'base'.

“Go for it,” I all but waved my arms. “Heck, if you keep a testing kit with you for when I come pick it up, you can test the other half of what I promised if it'll make you feel better.”

“Hmph...” Sayoko smirked slightly, sticking out her hand. “Okay, I might just do that then. Deal?”

I reached out with my own.

“De-”

'WHAM!'

We both almost fell off our stools when a pile of paper that went from the counter to the top of my head slammed down right on top of the gold coins next to us.

“I'm back!” Hild chimed happily from her spot in the air next to us. “And my timing is perfect as ever. Why, half a second later and you would have closed that deal without ANY benefits!”

“Jesus Christ, Hild!” I snapped.

“Still wrong!” the Daimakaicho trilled with glee as I pulled myself steady. Sayoko likewise mirrored the motion, a look of shock equally on her face.

“Where'd she come from?” she all but blurted after a moment, the shakes having returned to her hands.

“Hell,” Hild began casually, ticking off her fingers. “Hades, Abaddon, The Pit, Gehenna, Purgatory, The Abyss, The City of Dis, Nidhogg, The Nether Realm, Heaven's crotchless panties, Nifleheim, the Realm of Eternal Torment, The Inferno, or if you're going for a TV Y7 rating in America 'Heck'. Or the Home For Infinite Losers. Depends on who's dubbing anime at the time...”

Sayoko blinked in shock, but said nothing.

“Not a fan of that last one though,” Hild suddenly mock-pouted. “I mean, in SOME cases it's accurate, but I'm not a loser.”

“R-Right,” Sayoko repeated her owlish blink. “Who are you?”

“Oh, where are my manners?” Hild grinned, settling from her casual levicline to a standing position and sticking out her hand enthusiastically. “As per his blurt before, I am Hild. CEO of the church of darkness, top shareholder in the business of odious business, dealer of dirty deeds done dirt cheap, master of malicious mise, leader of Hell et el... The Daimakaicho.”

Sayoko blinked silently once more before seemingly suffering a relapse to earlier conditions.

“What?”

“My boss,” Marller drolled. “The Devil Herself, as it were...” Instantly, Hild shot the demon first class a scowl, her eyes glowing red with power. Marller no less instantly prostrated herself on the floor in a manner that left an audible thud as she groveled for whatever mercy she didn't deserve at the moment. Hild smirked at this and returned to Sayoko's perplexed gaze.

“Basically that,” she chirped.

Sayoko continued to stare while Hild's hand remained outstretched. After about thirty seconds of this, the student let out a quiet, contemplative 'huh...' and reached sideways for her drink, nursing at it for a moment.

Hild took the unintentional slight quite well, only scowling, but not unleashing her terror-field, or whatever it is Hild does when pissed. Luna hitched a sympathetic hiss through her teeth, half expecting Bad Things™ to happen.

“Shake her hand,” I instructed calmly to Sayoko. “Or you'll discover what you can survive without organs... Or biology for that matter." 

Nodding dumbly, Sayoko shakily set her drink down before reaching out to grasp Hild's outstretched hand. Hild, in response, grinned emphatically and gave a firm, but relaxed shake.

“A... Pleasure?” Sayoko half-stated, half-asked.

“Of course,” Hild replied. “And don't worry, I'm aware of how... Overwhelming my presence can be to mortals.”

“Your presence is overwhelming be they mortal or immortal, Hild-Sama,” Marller delivered in reverence. In response, Hild smirked, stepping on the demon's back and forcing her down even lower despite the total kowtowing she was already performing.

Still completely overtaken by whatever cross of confusion and shock qualified at this point, Sayoko glanced between the Marller-skinned rug on the floor, and Hild. Then she asked one of many, at least to anyone not in the know, million dollar/yen/whatever questions.

“How does someone of your age become her boss?”

Marller let out a strangled 'hrrk' of fear, but Hild just dug a heel in, her face remaining serene.

“Oh, you know,” she smiled amiably. “When you're the uncontested master of the deepest depths of evil, you have underlings that do that whole aging thing for you. Isn't that right Ma-chan?”

“Hai! Hild-sama!” said demon managed to enunciate despite her current state. 

“Also,” Hild continued. “This is only part of me. Something along the lines of... One-one-thousandth of myself. The rest of me is off rearranging job positions to satisfy an immortal treaty. Hell's work is never done, you know.”

“You can... Split yourself up?” Sayoko asked, now firmly going for curious. “How?”

“Oh it's easy!” Hild launched off Marller's back and whipped an arm around Sayoko conspiratorially. “See, just think of me as a computer program that runs half the universe and rewrites its own code as needed. In this case, I just write myself up as a fractional subroutine, give myself some autonomy that passes information back to me, and voila!”

That's...

“-actually easy to follow,” I blinked.

“It is,” Hild nodded. “Of course, for a mortal it falls under the category 'easier said than done'. There's a certain amount of information compartmentalization you can't do so long as your mind operates by using matter as a pattern-holder. The inability to directly restructure your consciousness is a bit of a hindrance there.”

“Right,” I nodded, eyes tracking down to find Marller slowly pulling herself up a stool. Then my eyes returned to the torso-sized stack of papers next to me. I motioned to it.

“So what's this all about?”

“Oh, that little thing?” Hild asked.

Little?

“Just some paperwork for you to fill out.”

Then Hild paused, probably seeing the rancid features that took over my face.

“Well, maybe not all of it,” she continued. “Mortals have a hard time handling ten to twenty pages. I get this might be a bit much, but I-”

“A bit MUCH?!” Luna cut in. “I've seen laws passed back in the Silver Millennium that didn't involve this much documentation. What could you possibly-”

Luna's mouth vanished, resulting in a few seconds of her continuing to rant in inarticulate hums before she realized what Hild had done, then crossed her arms in an annoyed growl.

“I was getting to that, Kitty,” Hild rolled her eyes. “Do try not to interrupt when your betters are speaking. You should know how that goes around me.”

Luna snorted in annoyance, but sat back down without further complaint.

“Very good,” Hild continued, releasing Sayoko from her buddy-buddy grip. “As I was saying, this is for you-” she pointed at me. “-to fill out. Though to be fair to you, I'm trimming it down to the essentials. Anything you need on top of that can be brought in and signed on the fly.”

“Essentials for what?” I was almost afraid to know the answers.

“Why, to become my Intern of course,” Hild smirked.

“WHAT?!”

Marller was in her boss' face in an instant.

“Hild-sama!” the demon all but shouted. “Surely you can't be serious about this! He's a mortal! A transient mortal! Not only is this unprecedented, but we don't have the support structure to even provide orientation! He would be a total newbie at everything! Magic management, cleanup, deal negotiation... I can't even really begin to imagine what all we'd need to do to support him. And that doesn't even begin to speak about how the goddesses would react to active recruitment of mortals.”

During this tirade, Hild kept her smile set strictly to 'all according to plan', until Marller petered out, her worries firmly expressed.

“Finished?” Hild asked politely.

“Hai, Hild-sama.”

“Very good,” the Daimakaicho continued. “But you needn't worry about this. For one, training will be your job.”

Marller couldn't have gone back into outraged mode any faster if she tried.

“WHAT?!”

But Hild powered on through.

“You have the most experience with mortals out of anyone down stairs at this point,” she pointed out. “And as a First Class demon, you hold all the certifications necessary to oversee training of any demonic matters that come up.”

“And I'm lost again,” Sayoko muttered.

“It'll be clear to you in a moment sweetie,” Hild smirked. “I just need to bring my subordinate here up to speed with the current market strategy.”

“B-but,” Marller continued, seemingly still too much surprised to be cowed at the moment. “The treaties!”

“I'll handle those,” Hild smiled in a genuinely amiable grin. “And it's not like we're promoting a brand new mortal intern to demon first class or anything. You of all demons should know that takes guts, hard work, and LOTS of brown nosing.”

For a moment it was silent, but Marller still clearly showed off the total shock of what Hild was planning.

Then a second later I finally realized what they were discussing, and who they were discussing.

“Wait... WHAT?”

Ah... Diplomatic Discourse at its finest.

“Oh,” Hild half-pouted before stepping over next to me. “I wanted to explain this to you in a manner that was a little less out of left field. But short version, little Urd was just a biiiit too perceptive on our last try.”

Hild then picked up a sheet of paper off the top of the stack.

“So I devised a bit of a paper trail to make your story more credible...”

Then the paper flashed into a blue fire and turned to ash.

“But then I was thinking the best lies are the ones that contain the truth. And the PERFECT lie IS the truth!”

Hild picked up part of the stack and poached a document from somewhere in the middle.

“So rather than merely pretending for you to be a demon,” she continued. “I figured, I'm the boss, I make the rules, and we don't need anything special to make it happen, just paperwork.”

“So you're making me a demon,” I began. “For real?”

“BINGO!” Hild then pressed my nose with a finger. “Though, to be fair, I can't really justify anything higher than 'intern' on account of your mortality, transient nature, and everything that goes with it. Ergo, I have to dance around the rules we abide by so as not to arouse suspicion. So, no demon magic, a required escort anywhere you go on Earth, and mandatory training. At least on paper.”

I glanced at the giant stack again.

“And I have to go through all this?” I asked. Hild reclined in the air, crossing her arms.

“Like I said,” she rolled her eyes. “I managed to cut things down to the essentials. It may seem like a lot to mortals, but there's quite a bit more to being a full demon. At least this way, we can get to what I want to do sometime this century. And I say that literally.”

'Uh...” Sayoko raised a hand. “Excuse me... Speaking of time. I do have classes today. So is it possible I can finish what we were doing before you bury him in a few days of documentation?”

Hild didn't even pass Sayoko a glance before answering.

“No.”

In response, I shot Hild a rather annoyed glance as she prepared to no-doubt destroy the last fifteen to twenty minutes of whatever progress I was making here towards... whatever end I was- Honestly aside from being a nice guy to an elf, I had no freaking clue what I was doing.

“And don't you worry your pretty little head about it,” Hild interjected into my thoughts. “I put a few ergs into reverse-time-dilating the cafe. That's why nobody's walked in here since you've arrived. We'll have plenty of time to on-board him, and closing your deal without you missing any classes. My treat.”

“I'm afraid I don't follow,” Sayoko pointed out.

“Hild-sama wants him on the demonic roster before you close your deal with him,” Marller rolled her eyes, albeit discretely and with a quick sidelong glance to make sure the Daimakaicho hadn't seen it.

“And who wouldn't want that?” Hild grinned, buddy-ing up to Sayoko again. “After all. As a demon (intern), his contract will be his bond, and you'll be guaranteed this little endeavor will be seen to completion. Plus you'll get other benefits like dispute arbitration, equal value exchange, future wish priority- Has Ma-chan explained our Orichalcum program yet?” 

Hild then waved a hand as if to say 'never mind' and stepped away from Sayoko.

“Just be patient. I hear it's a virtue. And while I'm the mother of all evil, I do appreciate the value of virtue.”

With that, Hild turned, crossing her arms and giving me an expectant look. After a few seconds, the other ladies in the room more or less traded glances and joined Hild in said expectant look.

I traded my own looks with the lot of them, glancing at the tower of paper and all but cringing internally. There was no way I would be able to deal with a stack like that. I doubt I could even READ through a stack that big let alone- Wait.

I plucked a page off the top, apprehensive for a moment as I expected to find Nordic runes or Japanese katakana to melt my mind. Luckily, Hild seemed to realize my ability to read was at least part and-

I squinted again. Something was... Off about what I was looking at.

I turned the page sideways, confused as I tried to look for what it was. It almost slipped by me until I had the paper upside down, and noticed that despite being upside down and backwards, I was able to read the script as if reading it perfectly fine normally.

Suddenly, Marller sighed in exasperation.

“It's written in Babelscript Font,” she stated. “All hellish documents are. Otherwise we'd be stuck producing forms in every language that appeared from the beginning of time straight through to Ragnarok.”

“Which becomes quite a hassle when you consider that we keep documentation on everything since pretty much the beginning of time,” Hild shrugged. “Imagine having to duplicate every record we have the moment a new language gets traction.”

“Sounds like Hell,” Luna smirked, apparently having gotten her mouth back. “I'm surprised that's not your standard way of doing things.”

“Please,” Hild smirked back. “I'm a bit cruel and callous with a side of sadistic. But I do happen to desire efficiency and power. If all of demon kind were buried up to their necks in documentation, they'd provide me with none of those things.”

“Fair enough,” Luna nodded, picking up the second page of the stack. “Though I must...”

Luna glanced again.

“Must...”

There was silence for a few seconds before the felis sapien visibly lost some color.

“Oh my,” she gulped. “Is... Is this actually REAL?”

Confused, I traded pages with Luna, going from a basic, if wordy page to...

I immediately regretted my decision. Because even with Babelscript, what I read on the page was about as clear as machine code to a kitten.

A regular kitten, not Shampoo or Luna.

“Oh god,” I blanched. “Legalese.”

“His is worse, actually,” Hild shrugged, looking up to the ceiling. “We at least have the sense to assume you can form coherent thought. His defines the idea of separate entity communication before you even start the preamble. Kind of comes part and parcel with having built the cosmos up the way it is." 

“Here,” Sayoko cut in, stepping forward and reaching for my page. “I have a few law classes under my belt, I'm sure it's not so bad.”

Taunting Murphy in the presence of the devil with damning (pardon the pun) evidence sitting on the counter next to us. I would point this out to her, but the fact that Sayoko was even volunteering to help was enough to prevent me from being a dick about it, if only slightly. With an almost 'like its hot' motion, I handed the paper to the student to let her decipher the mess.

Sayoko stood there for a few seconds, her eyes zipping back and forth. Then she inhaled deeply.

“Mordy-Kun,” she announced. “I'm going to need another one of my usual, extra Vodka.”

“That bad?” I asked.

Sayoko looked up from the page, her eyes expressing a sudden lack of any amusement.

“This page, in size 8 font, spends six paragraphs defining 'self', as it pertains to the person's signature.”

“Well,” Luna began with a sigh. “That doesn't sound so-”

“The CONCEPT of their signature,” Sayoko clarified. “Not what makes a valid signature, but what is defined, in reality, as the very concept of signing over rights by authority of self.”

Sayoko set the page back on the stack and clicked her tongue as Mordecai deposited a fresh drink next to her.

“And I'm willing to bet page one defines 'authority' and 'self',” she continued with a give-it-here look at Luna. “And probably 'rights' as well.”

“I never said we were MUCH better than Him,” Hild chimed in helpfully.

Sayoko, her previous attitude all but melted away and transformed into an almost indignant disgust for what she was reading, flopped down in the stool nearest the stack itself. After another sip of a fresh custom espresso, she looked up at the mountain with determination.

“Alright,” she stated. “Let's get started.”

“What,” Luna blinked before I could comment. “You're helping? Why?”

Sayoko sighed, looking tired for just a second before straightening up.

“It's simple,” she stated in an almost haughty tone. “Either I'm still asleep after a weird combination of law class, bad Chinese action movies, and another night of drinking more than I should have... Or this is real. And if this is real, well, I'm waiting on him-”

Sayoko pointed to me.

“-to close a deal. Which means he needs to get through this demonic company on boarding packet-” 

Hild made a little 'hee!' sound as if proud of herself.

“-and it's implied that the private deal he makes is no longer private. Thus, if something screws him over, I'm screwed over. And as I represent the Mishima Conglomerate to an extent here, what screws me over, screws the company over. And if that happens, I'll never hear the end of it.”

“Ohohohoho...” Hild all but cackled with glee. “Ma-Chan, I like her. You should have introduced us sooner.”

“I honestly never considered her history beyond getting at Belldandy,” Marller shrugged.

Sighing again after another sip of her drink, Sayoko reassessed the paper mountain that dwarfed the largest phone books.

“I'm not exactly certain about this time bubble thing,” she continued. “But we're going to need every minute of it if I want to get through THIS and make it to class on time.”

“Yeah,” Marller sat down cross-legged in the air. “About that. I'm not in the mood for sitting around for three days while-”

Marller paused, casting a nervous glance at Hild, who was now reclining on her back in the air reading a magazine. At least, I thought it was a magazine. Every time I tried to discern it, my eyes watered and my vision went out of focus from what kaleidoscope effects I could make out. I made quick to look away after Hild apparently signaled Marller to carry on.

“Er...” Marller continued. “Not in the mood to sit around while you go over every little detail. You want pages one, two, seventy three, one-seventy-nine, two-eighty-three, four-nineteen, five forty-seven, six-sixty-one, eight-eleven, sixteen sixty-three, and seventy-nine nineteen.”

“That's only ten pages,” Sayoko stated.

“Eleven,” Marller corrected. “They're all primes, even the count of relevant pages. If you want to be careful, grab the two pages before each of those and you'll have enough to be safe. Page six-sixty-one will reference page six-sixty-six, mainly because someone in the department of infernal beasts thought it would be funny. There are also exactly seven references to page seven-seven-seven, which doesn't exist. Don't worry about that. Just doodle in the blanks. It keeps the demons at internal processing entertained... Little worms that they are.”

“Marller-demon being strangely helpful,” Shampoo voiced up after an excessively long silence.

“Never go through the Demon Code in its entirety in one sitting,” Marller advised. “That way lies madness. Just ask Loki.”

“We don't like to talk about him,” Hild muttered idly.

“Right,” Sayoko gave the Daimakaicho a weird look before turning her face back to the papers. “Er... There's just one problem with this that I can see.”

“Oh?” Marller tilted her head. “And what's that?”

Sayoko held the page up, showing it off.

“These aren't paginated,” she said.

“Crap,” Hild's head snapped up. “I materialized the old copy.”

Then she relaxed again, going back to her magazine from beyond time and space.

“Oh well, not MY problem...”

Marller gave her boss a very dry look, but didn't dare to say anything before she turned back to face us.

“Okay,” she stated. “One side, I've got this.”

“What do you have in mind?” Luna asked as the demon first class sized up the stack. Then, after plucking what Sayoko was holding and setting it on top, she proceeded to shrink it. 

“Old trick of mine from back in the day,” Marller narrated to us. “The old card-trick spell works on any stack of documents.”

With that, Marller picked up the entire stack in one hand, and began performing what could only be described as a series of card tricks for dividing and shuffling the deck. Sayoko let out a little 'squee' of bureaucratic horror at the the sight, but otherwise stood her ground, even as Marller hummed a jaunty tune (that sounded suspiciously like 'we're in the money') while going through a series of motions that were more at home in a cartoon than real life.

After a few passes of this shuffling, Marller came to a stop, resized the stack, and dropped it on the counter with a resounding 'thud'.

“There,” she stated proudly. “Everything we need should be the first thirty-three pages, and everything else should be right in order as before.”

“From... From shuffling it?” Sayoko asked.

Marller crossed her arms, closed her eyes, and gave a large, overzealous nod.

“Yep!” she all but crowed. “Never do paperwork without it. I've yet to work automated stapling into it, but I can sort almost any stack size in minutes.”

“One of Ma-chan's useful side talents,” Hild replied from behind her Eldritch reading material. “Got her ahead of the competition.”

Plucking the first three pages off the top of the stack, Sayoko examined them with a discerning eye before handing it to me.

“Fill you name on the fifth line, twelfth line, and last line of this page,” she instructed. “Then initialize the bullet list in the middle.”

I glanced at her.

“Uh...”

“It's just the part that says you are who and what you claim you are,” she rolled her eyes. “Perfectly safe.”

“Right,” I exhaled. “I just need-”

A small pop, and Marller handed me a pen.

“That.”

And so, for the next three hours, we tackled the most horrifying piece of paperwork I would ever hope to never encounter ever again. The Demon Code (of Employee Conduct and Etiquette).

And in all my life, I had never seen anything before as outright absurd as that.

“Watch line seventy-two,” Marller pointed out. “Make sure you offer your services, not your soul. Contrary to popular belief, those things are worthless and I could photocopy them faster than you can say 'ghost army'.”

I also learned why it was so damn large.

“Okay,” Sayoko frowned. “I'm confused as to why this is even a point.”

“Oh?” I asked. “What's this one say?”

“Subsection 2.a,” she began. And we all braced for the mess. “Following the consideration that part and/or parts of the concerned parties of a situation in progress are submitted, at the time of the event, as defined in Art. 89 subsection 811.b of the Sentient and Meta-Sentient Beings Act, in part and/or in totality to the definition of a repository of infernal authority (thereafter referred to as "parties"), the necessity of conforming to the validity of a reciprocal and/or non-reciprocal agreement to actively participate in a competitive superposition of harmonic and/or dis-harmonic atmospheric vibration generation through the assistance of devices defined, but not restricted, by Art. 48101 subsection 1.a.a to 987.v.b of the Electro-Mechanically Assisted Audio-Vibrational Entertainment Devices Act (thereafter referred to as a "challenge") shall not be infringed by any authority that has not been explicitly listed in subsection 4.c of the present article.”

“Oh I really hate this one,” Marller soured.

“That's just the first part,” Sayoko sighed. “Subsection 2.b: In the event of a challenge each part of the accord shall put under submission material, immaterial, spiritual, metaphysical possessions or services (thereafter referred to as "wager") for which a strict equivalence of material, immaterial, spiritual, metaphysical or moral value shall have been defined by mutual agreement of both parts under the strict provision that no undue material, immaterial, spiritual, metaphysical, or moral influence, as defined by Art. 77, subsections 5.a to 9.d of the Coercive and Non-Euclidean Argumentative Accord, has been exerted on either or both parties.”

Sayoko looked up at us for a moment, making sure we were all caught up before she continued.

“Subsection 2.c: In the event of a challenge, each party shall endeavor to ensure the completion of the event with the consideration that any and all action taken, through either and both action and inaction, to cause a temporal drift between agreement and execution, shall put the responsible party under status of Contempt of Infernal Authority as defined in Art. 5, subsection 2.f of the Midgard Treaty.”

She paused for another breath.

“Subsection 2.d,” Sayoko all but droned. “Upon successful completion of a challenge, each party shall proceed to a willing or unwilling, through enforcement of the clauses defined in Art. 1, subsection 25.d of the Midgard Treaty (thereafter referred to as a "repossession"), transfer of material, immaterial, spiritual, metaphysical or moral possession, as defined in Art. 20, subsection 1.a of the Sentient and Meta sentient Beings Act, of the wagers mutually defined and agreed upon in the application of subsection 2.b of the present article related to the specific challenge that was successfully completed.”

With that, she lowered the page.

“I really don't get this one,” she blinked in confusion. “I'm sorry, but this one is beyond even me. The conditions stipulated here make no sense. It talks about some kind of challenge for goods, but the nature of the challenge... UGH! I have lawyers less recursive than this!”

“Okay,” I did my best to lean against the table as I took the page from Sayoko to examine it. “Let me see.”

Skimming the page, before long I was retracing what was said several times, trying to squeeze meaning from the mess.

“Two-A... Yadda yadda, challenge, electro-mechanical, harmonic dis-harmonic, blah blah-”

I blinked. Goddesses and Demons like to sing don't they? Like, song magic?

“Is this a song challenge?” I asked. “A musical challenge? Am I expected to participate in musical combat? How does one even participate in musical combat anyway?”

Sayoko gave me a look like I'd gone crazy. A look that had, by this point in tearing through this stuff, become quite common. But before she could tell me I was a fool and misreading it, Marller cut in.

“Yeah,” she shrugged. “Like I said, I hate it. I never win, and that stupid robot is even programmed to use it as an attack.”

And then it clicked.

“Wait...” I stared. “No. You can't be serious!”

“What?” Luna asked, Sayoko also gave me a curious look.

“You're bullshitting me,” I replied. “You have to be.”

“You get to point already?” Shampoo frowned. She had her own chunk of documents next to her, but they'd been discarded out of boredom at some point.

“The demon code literally spends a page-” I almost laughed, “-to tell me that I am forbidden from declining a rock-off challenge?”

“Yeah,” Marller shrugged. “That's the problem with this thing. We've been trying to trim it down for centuries, but we're still stuck with a reciprocating, self-referencing monstrosity. Too many loopholes were getting exploited. And to think, this is just a version Hild-sama had trimmed down. The full code is-”

Marller rubbed the back of her head with a grimace.

“-An order of magnitude more intimidating. Consider yourself lucky you don't have to mess with it.”

“I still don't get it,” Sayoko blinked.

“And you probably won't for another sixteen years,” Hild commented idly. Sayoko's head shot up in shock.

“D-Did she just imply time travel?” she asked incredulously. I couldn't help but sigh.

“What part of hideously powerful higher dimensional being are you failing to understand?” I asked. “We're sitting in a localized spacetime bubble at her whimsy, just so we don't get interrupted and you don't miss class. 

Then I paused. Speaking of...

“How long-”

“Three hours and fifteen minutes inside,” Hild turned a 'page' on her Eldritch magazine and turned the eye-watering abomination sideways... I think. “Three minutes and fifteen seconds outside. I kicked us up to a solid sixty-over-one when you got started.”

“Kinda' makes me wish I could do that,” I muttered, turning back to the paperwork and trying to ignore the ease with which physics was being bent over backwards. “So... Yeah. Take magic, sci-fi, and computer programming, smash it all together and just imagine the universe as running on that. Then consider all the demons and gods and such as the programmers. It'll save you the headache later. I think she even said that earlier.”

Sayoko nodded ever so slightly before shoving her face back into the legal documentation that apparently said I had to hold epic guitar battles whenever anyone asked.

I'm going to have to learn to play, or I'm losing a lot of challenges.

... 

Why am I taking that seriously?

“There's a signature line at the bottom,” Sayoko cut into my thoughts. “As I can understand it, this is a signature for understanding that you can't decline the... Rock Off Challenge.”

“You literally can't once you sign,” Marller groused. “You WILL participate, even if reality has to drag you into it the hard way.”

“Joy...” I let my tone speak for me on that one. I motioned for the page, taking a second to sign off with a sigh. The back corner of my mind was screaming obscenities that I was so readily not only going along with this, but signing off on a rather binding document with little to no forethought.

Then again, Hild didn't leave me much wiggle room. At the very least, if she decided to take things too far as her 'intern', I might be able to claim a little bit of coercion. Then again...?

Hild.

“One more page,” Marller commented, handing me the last one.

“That one simply states that you were not in any way coerced into signing,” Sayoko pointed out. “Once you sign, you are technically...”

Sayoko paused, looking at the three demons in the room.

“You are technically a demon. I can't believe I'm saying that with a straight face.”

“Join the club,” I stated, glancing up at the student. “I would LOVE to give you the long story of what's going on. But I have the feeling that you're barely keeping it together as it is, and I'm already familiar with that. You just got a huge chunk of modern cosmology thrown out the window on you.”

“Yeah,” she blanched. “And I think I want to avoid the Multi-verse Theory lecture until after I've worked off my next hangover. What's worse, now I feel like I owe Morisato an apology.”

“Eh,” Marller made a 'so and so' motion with her hand. “He's got Belldandy doting all over him at the moment. Don't feel too bad. Those goddesses are concentrating more joy there than should even be legal.”

At the mention of Belldandy's name, Sayoko narrowed her eyes, letting out a growl.

“Belldandy...”

“Oh, is that jealousy?” Hild glanced up from her distraction. “Dear, I hope you haven't been trying TOO hard all this time. A mortal competing with the divine, especially with all the willful ignorance you've shown, will not end well.”

“Aren't you supposed to encourage that outcome?” Luna asked in confusion.

“I mean for her,” Hild shrugged, pointing at Sayoko. “Belldandy's a very sweet girl, and has curves in all the right places. Plus a singing voice even I can respect. As a goddess, she's all but perfection on the surface. A mortal's not competing with that.”

Sayoko let out another, louder growl.

“Which is all the more reason to take her down and find out what's really going on inside that mind of hers,” Hild cracked a devious smile. “No one is that perfect, and I plan to prove it.”

Then she raised a finger to her chin, seeming to look at the ceiling for a second before her eyes found Sayoko again.

“Maybe after this is done, I'll get you in on a little 'test' of sorts for Belldandy,” she pondered.

“You are REALLY determined to break that girl,” I commented. “Aren't you?”

“Her naive innocence annoys me,” Hild answered flatly. “How she can keep that up yet repress the darker feelings I've seen in her for so long is almost infuriating. But that can wait.”

Hild waved at us with a shooing motion.

“You're almost done here. Go ahead and finish up...”

“Right,” I sighed again, turning back to the last document. I pondered on the consequences of signing what pretty much officially roped me into this mess deeper than before. All things considered, it probably didn't matter in the end. We didn't find anything absurdly abusable aside from the fact that Hild all but owned me while I was 'on the clock', but Marller did point out that things were pretty relaxed.

Fuck it. Coerced or no, might as well keep with the railroading and chug along. At least this way I had some direction. 

A signature scribble here, an initial there, and it was done. 

Almost instantly, the documentation picked itself up and shot over to Hild, who took a scant few seconds to go over everything. Surprisingly, she had a very serious look on her face as she went over it. Not the smug 'I now own your soul' one would expect from signing one's life over to the devil herself. At least, while I was in this universe anyway.

“Well,” she began after a moment with a nod. “Everything looks to be in order. I'll just pop these back to the office so I can finalize things-”

The documentation burst into flames and were reduced to ash. Sayoko choked at the sight.

“-And we'll get a quick orientation out of the way.”

Clapping her hands, Hild conjured up what appeared to be an old 1950s looking projector, and a screen on the far wall, which Marller dutifully pulled down. At the same time, Mordecai emerged from wherever he'd been hiding for the last few hours, a bowl of popcorn being placed on the counter next to a glass of water.

Opportunity presenting itself, and only now realizing how thirsty the paperwork had made me, I guzzled the drink down, prompting an almost immediate refill courtesy of a finger-snap on Hild's part.

Said snap also dimmed the lights and started the projector up with a hum and a rhythmic ticking sound consistent with classic movie projectors.

After a few seconds, a distorted audio track began to play a fanfare more at home to a cold war era briefing film.

“Really?” I asked, but was shushed by Luna, earning her a glare of my own.

“Greetings!” an overly chipper male voice, equally at home in a cold war era briefing film announced. “And welcome, to Hel. Where you can be all that you can be, and more... If you practice your polymorph spells that is. Otherwise, you'll just be whatever you are now. Which is a demon. Then again, you're that no matter what at this point, so don't get your lemons in a twist.”

The video part of the reel displayed what could only be described as animation befitting Disney's earliest work. I wasn't exactly sure if this was good or bad, even as the film made the sketch drawing of a classroom pop up.

“Chances are, you're in a class all your own. Literally. Because recruitment into demon servitude is so selective that class sizes usually end up being a prime number that can't be divided by a whole number. It's also a once in an eon thing. Also literally. We recruit maybe once every ten thousand years, give or take a millennium. Though to be honest, time has no meaning when you can pluck your work force from any point in the time line. Either way, you're here now, whenever now happens to be, and you're probably wondering 'Hellir, what have I gotten myself into with an orientation reel that sounds like a bad parody of a cold war briefing?' Don't worry if your thoughts were pretty spot on, that's just the mind-reading aspect of the film. It does that.”

Now it's mind reading inanimate objects? Dammi-

“Annoyed swearing aside, don't worry about what you've signed up for. Demon Kind takes care of its own. Except for the occasional coup or back-stab attempt. That's part of being evil. But as a new employee, that won't be a concern for you for a while yet, so relax.“ 

The film covered the wording with poor animation graphics of a demon named 'Boss' occupied with signing papers, only to have an octopus walk up, every arm holding a knife, and proceeding to go Caesar on the supervisor and taking his hat.

“As an employee of demon kind, your job is simple, but very, VERY important. Here in Hel, you're not just some hired minion or evil paper pusher, you're a vital inhuman resource. Because even with incomprehensible reality hacking powers, demons need energy, much like gods and goddesses do.”

Is it wrong to be concerned that they were showing the energy in this animation as a classic atom symbol? Honestly, the animation couldn't seem to keep its era straight. The worst part? The next section was animated like something out of an engineering schematic come to life.

“'So you may be muttering amongst your non-demon friends watching- Mind reading reel, remember? -'How do I get this energy, and what does it look like?' Well, to answer the second question first, the energy you're collecting isn't in the format you might be used to. So it won't be easy to recognize on your first field assignment. So don't worry too much until later. To answer the first question, you collect this energy by making deals, granting wishes, and generally expanding Hel's share in the world. You probably caught that in the paperwork before you signed. If you didn't, well, we own you now, so tough luck. You'll get used to it either way. Anyway, to make deals, just find some poor sob who wants a wish granted, and make a contract. They get their wish, Hel gets energy, and you... What? Oh, right. Varda says you should remember to ask for something of equal value in return. There's no monetary compensation working for Demon Kind, so your fee for services is your commission. You get vital work-related support, but- Wait... You mean I've been making these videos for FREE? Who does Hild take me for? I'm trying to-”

There was a brief click and silence for a moment before the voice, slightly raspier, continued.

“Myrkr Hellir here, sorry if my alternate reality counterpart got carried away. But greed is greed. Anyway, as he said, make sure your deals are matched with demands of equal or greater value. Unfortunately, you don't get paid. You're about to become an all powerful unstoppable force of pure Evil. What do you need money for? Hells, we don't even use money around here. Post scarcity is awesome like that, provided you keep the wishes granting and the energy flowing.”

“How does that even-” Sayoko began, but was all but verbally run over.

“To close out, welcome to the job. If you feel a little dirty, that's just mortal philosophical moral issues soiling your uniform. Remember, you're bad now. And that's good. You don't have to worry about being good, which isn't so bad. Out of all the yous out there in the multi-verse, we want you to be yourself, not some other you pretending to be yourself, or you pretending to be them, or... I was going somewhere meaningful with that, kind of lost it. Immoral of the story: Knowledge is power. Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Study hard, be evil. Myrkr Hellir, we're done here!” 

And with that, the reel ran out and the screen went blank. A snap from Hild, and everything vanished in a puff of smoke. Despite Sayoko's near outburst just a moment before, Luna was the first to make a comment.

“So...” She began. “All this for power?”

“Does that mean his job is a more like a power plant technician?” Sayoko cut in as soon as she could. “How does that even-”

“Shampoo wonder if this energy is chi or-”

“Now now,” Hild interrupted. “This is not the Q and A segment. Everything you need to know is in the main handbook section...”

The Daimakaicho motioned to the giant stack we'd spent three hours going over only a couple dozen pages of.

“Right now,” she continued. “I need to finish this up.”

As if on cue, there was a small 'ding!' like an egg timer going off. Snapping her fingers, Hild conjured up what appeared to be a fresh set of documents and an envelope.

“Excellent!” she cackled after a moment. “Internal processing got this done in record time.”

I feel the need to snark that she sent that to herself, but something tells me pointing that out now would probably result in learning what Marller experienced on a regular basis. Shuffling the papers and opening the envelope, Hild retrieved a small card from inside, inspecting it for a moment before motioning me over.

“It's official,” she chirped. “Congratulations on being the first full fledged transient mortal demon. Here's your ID.”

Then her face took on a very serious expression bordering on her evil aura.

“Don't lose it.”

Then it popped back to normal as she handed me the card.

I took it, tentatively, chancing a moment to look at it. Aside from a photo on there which I'd never seen her snap, it looked no more auspicious than one's typical driver's license. Granted, it didn't have any driving information, but rather my name, date of birth (in home universe... however she got that), position, rank, and restrictions.

In this case, I was apparently Demon Intern, Eighth Class, Special Category, Absolute Restrictions. As far as I understood, that all but said I was lower than the equivalent of a mail room employee in a holiday temp position. 

Then I noticed the strange symbol in the 'markings' category.

“Hey,” I began, pointing at the symbol. “Whats this marking me-”

As my eyes glanced up, I had just enough time to process Hild taking a swing at my face. Said blow connected with my forehead before I could flinch, and I stumbled backwards violently. I was saved from taking a spill when Luna caught me, shouting in surprise.

“What was that for?!” she snapped in anger. Shampoo likewise yowled her own annoyance at the sight, but was unable to do much more.

“Oh, don't stand your fur on end,” Hild commented disdainfully. “I'm just applying his uniform.”

“Uniform?” I glanced down the best I could from this damnable neck brace. “Like a boot to the head?”

“It didn't hurt,” Hild asked. “Did it?”

Before I could answer, she continued.

“No? Good. Get over it and check the mirror.”

Back on my feet proper, I glanced in the direction the Daimakaicho was pointing, noticing a full body mirror that hadn't been there before. My initial glance was for an outfit, but nothing was out of the ordinary until I noticed the pink welt right in the middle of my forehead, about the size of a quarter.

 

 

“Really?” I asked in annoyance at the sight, rubbing at it once to see if it came off. It didn't. The quarter-sized marking looked like a two-hued circle arranged to look like a small hurricane. A hurricane made out of three arrows that spiraled around each other only to straighten out and point towards the center, passing through a smaller secondary circle in the process.

“You punched me in the head to apply a demon mark?” I asked.

“Well, you need your uniform,” Hild shrugged. “Can't have you wandering around without it if the goddesses are going to ask questions. I'm making your status legitimate in every manner I can.”

“Right,” I sighed, reaching for that second glass of water. I tried to think of something else to add, but at this point, I just couldn't come up with anything that was both snarky enough to poke at Hild, yet safe enough to keep her from becoming anything more than mildly annoyed. I disguised my pause with a sip, then with an extended gulp, followed by just emptying the glass in its entirety.

I had nothing.

“So...” Sayoko spoke into the silence. “If this pomp and ceremony is all finished... I have classes soon?”

“Yes, yes...” Hild stood up, walking over the the counter and made the giant stack of documentation vanish. “I get it, you're impatient. Go ahead, finish your cute little deal, we'll see how it works out.”

“We never have tried closing a contract with a transient as the representative before,” Mordecai piped up. “Have we Hild-sama?”

“Indeed we haven't,” she commented idly. “So this is going to be interesting one way or another.”

“Please tell me exploding isn't a hazard here,” I blanched at the Daimakaicho.

“If it does,” Hild commented idly. “I can put you back together, so don't worry too much. Might not be the old you, but you'll be you.”

I'm suddenly NOT so sure about this.

“Let's just get this over with,” Sayoko pinched the bridge of her nose in exasperation. “I think I'm about at the end of whatever it is that best describes handling this situation...”

“Patience?” Luna snarked.

“Sanity?” Marller chimed in helpfully.

“Suspension of disbelief?” Mordecai snapped up the glass I finished and spirited it away for cleaning.

“Yes...” Sayoko sighed. Then she turned to the four gold coins sitting on the counter. “So, again. As many Leatherman multi-tools as that pile will purchase, minus a fee... And about a week to procure them.”

“Yeah,” I shrugged.

“You sure about letting me set the fee?” she asked. “I could take half for all you know.”

“You have more money than you know what to do with,” I pointed out. “I doubt you'll rip me off for petty gains.”

“Fair enough,” Sayoko smirked for once. “Also true, so provided your end of things holds up, you'll have a bulk order by the end of the week.”

Then she paused.

“Where should I have them delivered?” she asked.

I opened my mouth to respond, but shut it after a moment. That was a good question. Not like I even knew the addresses around here, let alone had one for deliveries.

“Just drop it here,” Marller conjured and handed a small post-it note to Sayoko. “He seems to return to me when he shows up, so just drop it at the loading dock in back.”

Sayoko took the note and examined it, nodding before shoving the note in a pocket.

“Alright then,” she commented idly as she stuck her hand out to me. “We've got a deal... again.”

“Heh...” I shook. “Yeah, again.”

We shook, without interruption this time.

Well, nothing interrupted starting the shake, but a second later I was hit with a surge of...

I don't know what. But for a second my vision swam, I was light headed, and it felt like I was falling. That's the best I could describe the sensation aside from it feeling very, very good. Then, after a second, a shout in my ear got my attention.

“GWAH!” I snapped in surprise, turning to find Luna's concerned face all but right in mine.

“Are you okay?” she asked, concerned.

“What just happened?” Sayoko asked in a more panicked tone. My mind coming down from, whatever the hell that was, I noticed I was all tingly like when Washu's hazard suit activated the nerve sync, and I was warm like I'd been snuggling under a wool blanket for an hour. I was also breathing harder than normal and there was this contented sensation like I'd just finished a meal that was juuuuust the right size.

“The- THE HELL WAS THAT?!” I asked, my mind reeling but settling towards surprise and shock as I finally parsed all the conditions I was now in.

“Huh...” Marller approached, glancing me over. “Well, you sealed that contract, but your body reacted much more dramatically to it than I would have expected.”

Then she paused.

“Then again, we haven't had a newbie close a contract in ages, I may be misremembering things.”

“That-” I began, shuddering as I inhaled, turning to Hild. “That was a CONTRACT?”

The Daimakaicho just smiled and nodded. On her confirmation, two new questions formed.

“Okay, first,” I began. “Is it supposed to feel like the best meal I've ever eaten multiplied by sex?”

Sayoko hitched her breath and took a pertinent step back. Luna blushed a bit, but otherwise didn't react.

“What?” Hild asked in turn. “You think we'd try and promote making contracts without incentive? I'm honestly surprised you weren't expecting that.”

“Does it really feel-” Luna started to ask but paused to phrase things differently, and failed. “-like THAT?”

“He's the first to use those terms,” Marller answered. “But it does feel really nice. Completion is even better.”

“Oh god, that's going to put me in a pleasure coma, if there is such a thing,” I muttered. “Second question...”

I paused for effect, taking a deep breath.

“HOW?!”

I'm pretty sure that thanks to Medium Transfer Principle, I shouldn't be able to feel any of the universal contract shenanigans of this world. And I certainly haven't been here long enough to assimilate enough matter to do so... So, my rather vocal one-word question stands.

Hild smirked. Not the good kind either. It was the devious kind that said I wasn't going to like the answer and that my reaction was going to be amusing.

“Easy,” she stated calmly, then tilted her head.

“Do you really think that was water you drank earlier?”

The room went dead silent at that, causing Hild's grin to grow more shark-like as she floated up and closer to me. Then, with a very chilling whisper, she spoke into my ear.

“I'm, inside you.”

Not sure how to process that one...

“Seriously,” she kicked back, reveling in a shudder that involuntarily shot up my spine. There was a small painful prick to one of my fingers, and the Daimakaicho raised a thin sewing needle up with a single drop of blood dangling from the end. “Take a look.”

With that, Hild conjured a microscope up on the counter and placed the drop of blood on the slide. With almost manic glee, she ushered me over and all but shoved my face to the eye-pieces.

What I saw both made sense, didn't make sense, and added a new tier to my weird-shit-O-meter. I understand at this point my surprise at weirder and weirder things was becoming a bit redundant, but just you try and explain how you react to an army of microscopic Hilds in construction gear running around on a microscope slide.

Not joking. Dead center in the image, a short-armed, short-legged, super-deformed Hild, covered in overalls, a hard hat, and a reflective vest was waving around a hoard of similarly dressed copies of herself while going over a clipboard. After a second of silent shouting, she turned her microscopic head towards the optics and flashed 'V' sign with a huge grin.

“Consider that a starting bonus,” Hild voiced next to me. “Give me oh... Five minutes and you'll even be out of that neck brace. Like the video said, we take care of our own.”

I leaned back, mouth working open and shut wordlessly at this latest development. Nanomachines made sense. Universe jumping made sense. Reality warping made sense. So many things I'd encountered made sense in a distorted and open-minded point of view. But...

I found myself taking a deep breath. I was in the presence of a hideously over-powered higher dimensional being. Reality was her... 'Bitch' was the wrong word. 'Slave' was far better a choice this time around. I wasn't going to lose it just because Hild did something even I wasn't expecting. She was just playing with expectations and scale for a laugh. In a way, she was like Urd.

In fact...

“You and Urd are so much alike it's not even funny,” I groused after a moment. “I am honestly amazed you two haven't managed to get along better before now.”

“Well,” Hild shrugged. “She does take after me quite a bit after all. I wouldn't be her mother if she didn't.”

And apparently that statement finally broke Sayoko. Well, broke her again.

“Okay,” said student piped up in a tone that reminded me of someone who wanted very much out of the situation as fast as possible. “I think I've had it. Can I go now?”

Hild waved her off with a shooing motion.

“Go on,” she smirked. “You've been plenty helpful dear. Just keep your end of the deal and everything will turn out fine.”

Sayoko nodded, deftly grabbing the gold off the counter, pausing to slap several hundred yen bills down in their place, which Mordecai calmly picked up to process.

“Keep the change,” she stated curtly, turning towards me for an equally curt bow of the head. I nodded back in kind before she rapidly made her way out the door, all but breaking into a jog before it shut behind her.

“She'll come around,” Hild cast a lazy smile at the exit. “I must say, she handled herself nicely once you all broke her a little.”

“All this to give an elf a business deal,” I sighed, glancing to Luna. “Did we really have to do this?”

Luna only shrugged in return.

“At this point I'm just trying to roll with it,” she admitted. “You made a point of trying to clean up after yourself and keeping your word. If this helps you keep that word, then I think it's worth it.”

“Which I approve whole heartedly,” Hild clapped a hand down on my shoulder. For a second, I flinched in the expectation of pain, but relaxed when it didn't materialize. “If there is anything we hold ourselves to, it's our word.”

Then she suddenly grabbed me by the shoulders and began undoing the straps holding my neck brace in place.

“Speaking of which...” she commented idly. “Let's get this contraption off and see how well you're doing. The mechanical wonders in your blood stream have been doing an amazing job, but nothing holds a candle to a mother's touch.”

Not sure how to respond again...

Hild finished undoing the brace and quickly pulled it free. And aside from being a little stiff, it was nice to be able to twist my neck without shooting pains.

“Hmmm...” Hild hummed as she examined me with one of those 'see-through-you' stares. “Yes, already a vast improvement. This Washu you know of should be complemented on how well her equipment has managed to operate outside their parameters. But your blood chemistry is well beyond its limits thanks to that. But now that you're on the clock, we'll have you fixed up and ready in no time." 

Then she grinned again.

“In the mean time... We can work with this.”


End file.
